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Scene 1
Coffee place, Joey is there, Chandler is entering
- ChandlerHey
- JoeyHey. So where's Mon?
- ChandlerOh, she's at home, putting up decorations for Rachel's birthday party tonight.
- JoeyAnd you're not helping?
- ChandlerI tried, but apparantly singing "I will survive" in a helium voice - not helping.
- (Ross and Rachel enter with Emma in Rachel's hands)
- RossHey you guys!
- Chandler(start to sing) Hey! Happy birthday ...
- RachelShhh don't say that loud, Gunther's gonna want to hug me.
- RossUh, good news everyone, we finally found a nanny. This is Molly (points to Molly). Molly, Chandler, Joey.
- ChandlerHi.
- MollyHi.
- (Emma starts to cry)
- RossOoh, somebody's getting a little fussy.
- JoeyYou damn right I am, I've been waiting for a cookie for 7 minutes.
- RachelOk, you know what, I'm just gonna take her outside.
- MollyNo, you stay, I'll do it (takes Emma from Rachel).
- RachelOK, thank you.
- MollyNice to meet you guys (to Chandler and Joey).
- JoeyYeah, you too.
- (Molly leaves)
- RachelOh, wow, Molly is just great!
- RossYeah.
- ChandlerYes, Bravo on the hot nanny.
- RachelWhat? You really think she's hot?
- ChandlerAre you kidding? If I wasn't married she'd be rejecting me right now.
- RachelAnd Joey?
- JoeyHow do you think she's doing?
- RachelAm I the only one who doesn't think that she's hot? Ross?
- RossEh, I mean, I mena she's not unattractive but hot? I ....
- RachelThank you! (goes to get coffee)
- ChandlerNow that Rachel's gone?
- RachelSo hot I cried myself to sleep last night. (Joey and Chandler clap their hands)
- OPENING CREDITS
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Scene 2
Mike and Phoebe in Phoebe's place, Phoebe is doing a crossword puzzle
- PhoebeHey Mike, what's the capital of Peru?
- MikeLima.
- PhoebeNo. It starts with a "v" and ends with an "x". Helpfully with a "to" in the middle.
- MikeYou know, kinda think of it, the capital of Peru IS "vtox". (opens the kitchen cabinet) Oh god! Oh!
- PhoebeWhat?
- MikeOK, I don't want to freak you out or anything, but I think I just saw a rat in your cupboard.
- Phoebe(relived) Oh, whew, no, that's Bob.
- MikeWhat, is he your pet rat?
- PhoebeWell not so much a pet as, you know, an occasional visitor who I put food out for, you know. Kinda like Santa. Except Santa doesn't poop on the plate of cookies.
- MikeYou can't keep a rat in your appartment! They're extremely unsanitary, and they transmit leptospirosis and hantavirus.
- PhoebeWhat are those?
- MikeI don't know but they don't sound like spa treatments. You have to get rid of it!
- PhoebeOK, fine, if it means that much to you I'll get rid of Bob.
- MikeThank you.
- PhoebeSo weird, you think he's so gross and you're willing to eat his crackers. (Mike throws out everything in his mouth)
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Scene 3
Rachel's office, Rachel comes in and Gavin is there
- RachelHello.
- GavinHello
- RachelGavin, I just wanted to say thank you again for watching Emma yesterday during the presentation. I really owe you an appology.
- GavinFor what?
- RachelWell, when we first met, you know, I thought you were pompous and arrogant and obnoxious ...
- GavinIs this your first appology?
- RachelNo, I just mean that, you know, first impressions don't mean anything. And I-I think you're a really good guy and I'm sorry that I misjudged you.
- (Heather walks in)
- HeatherGood morning!
- RachelHello. (to Gavin) But you know what, hey, new day, new leaf, I am just really really happy ... (sees Gavin staring at Heather) I'm sorry, obviously Heather's ass has something more important to say so I'll just wait 'till it's finished.
- GavinWhat?
- RachelI was giving you an appology and you were totally checking her out!
- GavinI wasn't checking her out. I'm in fashion, I was looking at her skirt. Or was it pants? I didn't really see what happened below the ass area.
- RachelOh wow, you are really, you're really a creep.
- GavinWhy do you even care if I was looking at her? Are you jealous?
- RachelOh yeah, I'm jealous. "Oh Gavin, please, please look at my ass". (Gavin starts looking) Stop looking at my ass! I mean, I just think you are totally inappropriate, ok? This is a work environment, she's your subordinate.
- GavinI thought it was ok when you slept with your old assistant Tag.
- RachelThat is totally different for two reasons. One - I didn't know that you knew that. And two, I wasn't some creep staring at his ass, we had a deap meaningful relationship.
- GavinHuh. What's Tag's last name?
- RachelIt was ... (can't remember) oh my god. He didn't have a last name. It was just "Tag". You know, like Cher, or, you know, Moses.
- GavinBut it was a deap meaningful relationship.
- RachelOh, you know what - my first impression of you was absolutely right. You are arrogant, you are pompous ... Morgan! Morgan! Tag's last name was Morgan! Huh!
- GavinIt was Jones.
- RachelYeah well what are you, his boyfriend?
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Scene 4
Coffee place, Molly holding Emma and talking to Joey
- JoeyMan, I wish I had a nanny like you.
- MollyYou mean, when you were a baby.
- JoeySure.
- (Chandler is staring at Molly)
- MonicaWould you stop staring at her?
- ChandlerI wasn't staring. I was leering.
- MonicaWhat's the big deal with her? Maybe she's attractive in an obvious kind of way.
- RossYeah, obvious beauty's the worst. You know, when it's right there in your face. Me, I like to have to work to find someone attractive. Makes me feel like I earned it.
- ChandlerLooks like Joey is doing allright with her.
- MonicaYeah. Hey, that was nice of you guys to back off and let Joey get the girl for once.
- Molly(to Ross) I'm gonna take her back to the appartment.
- RossOk, I'll be home right after work. Ok, by Emma-Wemma-Demma, I love you - wovyou dovyou ...
- MollyBye
- MonicaThey've elected me to talk to you about the baby talk - it's not so good.
- MollyI think it's sweet. (goes to leave)
- ChandlerBye, Emma-Wemma-Demma.
- Rachel(to Joey) Hey, listen, Joey, about Molly, I really prefer if you didn't go after her.
- JoeyWhy not?
- RachelBecause it took us months to find a good nanny and I wouldn't want anything to, you know, drive her away.
- JoeySo, what, you think I'm just gonna sleep with her and never call her again and things are gonna get uncomfortable? (thinks about it) Yeah, sounds about right.
- RossCome on, there are plenty of other women out thereok? Just - just forget about her, ok? Just, she's off limits.
- JoeyOh, man, why did have to go and say that for? Now that you told me I can't have it makes me want her even more!
- RossWhat are you, a child?
- JoeyYes!
- RossJoey, come on now, for me! Please, just-just try to focus your sexual energy on someone else.
- JoeyFine. (looks around, then focuses on Monica)
- Monica(to Chandler) Take me home! (they quickly leave)
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Scene 5
Phoebe's place, Phoebe and Mike are there
- PhoebeHey Mikey
- MikeHey P
- PhoebeWhat are you doing?
- MikeSetting rat traps.
- PhoebeTo kill Bob??
- MikeNo, no, to test his neck strength.
- PhoebeNo, Mike, I don't want to kill him! I thought we were just gonna capture him and, and you know, set him free in the country side where he can maybe meet a friendly possom and a wisecracking owl.
- MikeOk, ok, I'll throw away the traps.
- PhoebeI'll find Bob, I'll get him. Bob? (starts looking) Bob! Robert! (looks at cabinet under sink) Oh wait, I think I hear him. Oh - Oh my god! Bob had babies! Bob's a mom!
- MikeBetter think of a new name for him.
- PhoebeI don't know, I kinda like Bob for a girl.
- MikeI don't know, I mean I'm not sure (they hear cracking voice from somewhere else in the kitchen, probably a rat caught in a trap) ...
- PhoebeOh my god, we killed Bob!
- MikeMaybe it wasn't Bob, maybe it was a mouse.
- PhoebeSuzie? (Runs over there to check)
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Scene 6
Monica and Chandler's, Ross enters
- RossWhazzup??
- ChandlerSeriously dude, 3 years ago.
- RossListen, can you do me a favor? I'm gonna be out today. Can you just keep an eye on Joey, make sure nothing happens between him and Molly?
- ChandlerYou don't trust him?
- RossWh - No. Some woman who sounded a lot like Joey called earlier and asked for her daughter, the "hot nanny".
- ChandlerIs this really your long term plan, for me to run interference? Because I could get a job any day now.
- RossYou do appear right on the cusp of something. Come on man, I'm sure he'll lose interest in a week or two, but for now can you please just do this for me?
- ChandlerAllright, fine, but don't blame me if it doesn't work. Because you know as well as I do that once Joey sets his mind on something, more often than not, he's going to have sex with it.
- RossWell we gotta do something, ok? Nannies like her don't grow on trees. (pause)
- ChandlerPicturing that tree?
- RossI am, yes.
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Scene 7
Hallway, Joey get out of his appartment and Chandler jumps out of his
- ChandlerWhere you going, Joe?
- (Joey falls on floor and gets up)
- JoeyFor a walk.
- ChandlerOh. You mind if I join you?
- JoeyActually, that will be long. You know, I really need to organize my thoughts.
- ChandlerYour thoughts? Plural?
- JoeyAllright, fine, I only have one thought! It's about the hot nanny, I gotta see her!
- ChandlerI'm afraid I can't let you do that, Joe.
- JoeyNow YOU'RE telling me I can't see her?? You guys are killing me! She's forbidden fruit! It's like ... like she's the princess and I'm the stable boy ... Why are you doing this, huh? Did Ross tell you not to let me go over there?
- ChandlerYes, as a matter of fact he did, so I can't let you go.
- JoeyHuh. Interesting. Now there are obstacles. Hot nanny and me against the world. This is the kind of stuff great novels are made of.
- ChandlerGreat novels?
- JoeyFine ... mediocre porn
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Scene 8
Rachel's office, Rachel and Gavin there, phone rings, Gavin picks it up
- GavinGavin Mitchelle's office.
- RachelRachel Green's office!! Give me that phone! (takes the phone) Hello, this is Rachel Green, how can I help you? Uh huh ... ok then ... I'll pass you back to your son (gives phone to Gavin)
- GavinHey Mom! No, that's just my secretary. (Rachel is upset)
- RachelUm, excuse me Gavin, I have a question I need to ask you.
- GavinMom, I'll call you later. Yeah. (hangs up) (to Rachel) Yes?
- RachelIf you like looking at butts so much why don't you just go look at a mirror?
- GavinThank god you finally said that, I saw you make a note on your pad three hours ago. (Rachel throws away that paper) Man, I really bug you, don't I?
- RachelOh, please, I don't care about you enough to bug me. In fact, from now on, I'm going take the high road. And I'm going be very very nice to you, you "momma's boy", starting right now.
- (door knock, Monica enters)
- MonicaHey Rach!
- RachelHi!
- MonicaReady for your birthday lunch?
- RachelYeah I am, I am! Oh, but first of all, Monica, I would like to introduce you to my very talented colleage and more importantly my wonderful friend Gavin Mitchelle.
- GavinPleased to meet you.
- MonicaPleased to meet you. So you're coming to Rachel's party tonight?
- RachelOh no no no no no, Gavin can't, he already has plans, most likely with his mother.
- GavinWell I don't mind, I'll cancel. I would never miss my secretary's birthday. (leaves)
- RachelWhy did you invite him?? I can't stand that guy!
- MonicaYou were just being so nice to him!
- RachelI was faking it! Can't you tell when I'm being fake?
- (A man walks by)
- RachelHey, Mr Philips, nice suit!
- MonicaRight there! That was so fake!
- RachelShh!
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Scene 9
Rachel's birthday party
- Rachel(to Monica) I still can't believe you invited Gavin. Allright, he is the last person I want to see.
- MonicaOh, you're welcome for the party. I'm glad you're having a good time.
- RachelGod, I hope he doesn't show up. Of course he's not gonna show up, the guy hates me.
- MonicaDoes he?
- RachelWhat?
- MonicaMaybe he's bothering you so much because he likes you. It's like in first grade when Skippy Langwild always pushed me on the playground because he secretly had a crush on me?
- RachelOh, Monica, you think Skippy liked you? Honey, all those buys had a bet to see if he can knock you over.
- Molly(with Emma in a basinet) She's out, I'm gonna take her home.
- RachelOh, ok, thank you. (Molly leaves) (to Monica) Do you see what all the guys see in her?
- MonicaWouldn't kick her out of bed. No more Vodka for me! (put her glass down)
- (Joey comes over)
- JoeyHey Rach, so can I sing happy birthday to you now?
- RachelYeah, sure!
- JoeyOh ... (Starts to sing) Happy birth ... (sees Molly leaving) oh, see you later (runs after Molly)
- MonicaHey Rach, somebody got you shoes!
- RachelOh, give me! (opens the box happily, then gets freaked and throws away the box, she and Monica jump up the sofa)
- PhoebeBe careful, be careful! These are my rat babies!
- MikeYeah. We have rat babies now.
- RachelAhhhh , you brought rats to my birthday party?
- MonicaSo this is what a stroke feels like.
- PhoebeI had to bring them! We killed their mother, they're our responsibility now. You know, they require constant care. You should know that, Rachel, you're a mother.
- RachelAre you comparing my daughter to a rat?
- PhoebeNo! Seven rats! I think we should take them home, we need feed them.
- Rachelwhhh wait, you're gonna leave my party to take care of a box of rats?
- PhoebeWell I'm sorry Rachel, but I'm not like you, ok? Not everyone can afford help. (she and Mike leave)
- (Ross gets out of the bathroom, sees Chandler)
- RossWhere the hell are Joey and Molly? I asked you to watch them.
- Chandler(In a helium voice, holding a balloon) I'm sorry, I got a little occupied.
- RossWe have to stop them before something happens!
- Chandler(still helium voice) Right behind you, big guy! (they both head for the door)
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Scene 10
Ross's place, Molly and Joey are talking on the couch
- JoeySo you see, Molly, what people don't understand is that acting is a discipline. It takes a lot of hard work.
- MollySo where did you study?
- JoeyOh, I didn't go to college.
- MollyNo, where did you study acting?
- JoeyMolly ... people don't study acting ...
- (Ross and Chandler walk in, Joey looks disappointed)
- RossMolly, ah, do you mind giving us just a minute?
- MollySure, I'll go check on Emma.
- RossThanx.
- (Molly gets up and walks away)
- Joey(upset) Will the stable boy never get the princess??
- RossWhat do you think you're gonna do, have sex with her right here on my couch?
- JoeyNo ... the leather sticks to my ass. You know, this isn't fair. What makes you think that I'm just gonna sleep with her and then blow her off? Huh? Can't you guys open your minds to the possibility that I actally like her, and might want something real? (pause) Look, the truth is, I haven't felt this way about anyone since Rachel, ok? I didn't think I could ever love again.
- (pause)
- ChandlerCome on! Joe!
- JoeyOk (admits)
- (knock on door, Ross opens, it's a woman)
- WomanHi, is Molly here?
- RossYeah, come on in. Molly?
- Molly(goes out of the room) Hey! Guys, this is Tabatha (they kiss on the lips in a romantic way). (to Ross) I'll see you tomorrow.
- RossOk ... (they leave the room, long pause) Well, uh, Joey, I guess we have no problem.
- JoeyIt's like my favorite fairy tale come true! (Chandler looks at him) The princess, the stable boy and the lesbian!
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Scene 11
Phoebe's place, Phoebe and Mike enter
- PhoebeOk, ok, you start preparing the formula and I start changing the box and then we gotta put them straight to bed.
- MikeHey, when did we become one of those couples whose lives revolve around their rats?
- PhoebeWell, you know what, they're our responsibility now.
- MikeOk, fine, these rats are our responsibility. What happens when they mate and there are hundreds of them?
- PhoebeMate? They're all brothers and sisters.
- MikeYeah - not such a problem with rats. No, they're more of a "love the one you're with" kind of animals.
- PhoebeNo. (opens the box) wh - get off your sister! Oh my god, what are we gonna do? We have 7 rats. So what if each of them has 7 rats? And then each of those have 7 rats? That's like ... (starts counting with her fingers) That's math I can't even do! What are we gonna do?
- MikeWell, I know this is gonna sound crazy, but, we could not let the box of rats ruin our lives.
- PhoebeYeah, ok. I guess you're right. Allright, so we should just give them away. But to nice families, with children, and reduced fat wheat thins. They're Bob's favorites.
- MikeIt's gonna be ok.
- PhoebeYou must think I'm crazy.
- MikeNo, I think you're sweet.
- PhoebeGood. It's just so hard, it's hard for me to ... let them go. I guess it just brings back memories, you know, from ... when I gave birth to my brother's triplets and I had to give them up. (Mike is shocked) I haven't told you about that yet, have I?
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Scene 12
Rachel's party, Rachel is on the balcony, Monica goes there also
- MonicaHey!
- RachelHi. Thanks for the party, honey. Should I help you clean up?
- MonicaNo way! You had your party, now I have mine! Is everything alright?
- RachelYeah, I just get a little bummed when my birthday's over.
- MonicaWell, at least you have one thing to be happy about. That jerk Gavin from your office didn't show up (Gavin shows up at the balcony windows).
- RachelMmm hmm.
- GavinYeah, hey. (comes in to the balcony)
- MonicaOh, we weren't talking about you. No, no way to recover.
- RachelNo.
- (Monica goes back inside)
- GavinNice party.
- RachelWell, it was, and you would have seen it if you didn't showed up at (looks at his watch) ... 9:30?? God! Oh, this party was lame ...
- Monica(from inside) Again, you're welcome.
- GavinLook, I'll just give you this and go.
- RachelOh, you bought me a present! Why?
- GavinWell, let me explain how birthday parties usually work. There are presents, and a cake, perhaps a fourth or fifth person. Ok, I ... got you the present to make up for being such a jerk to you earlier.
- RachelAww. Well, ok, well that's very nice. And you wrote a card (opens the card). "From Gavin"
- GavinI really mean it.
- Rachel(opens the present, it's a green scarf) Awww, awww, it's beautiful.
- GavinYou don't mind? (puts it around her neck) Well, what do you know, it fits!
- RachelSee, Gavin, you're capable of being a nice guy. Why did you give me such a hard time?
- GavinI'm not sure.
- RachelWell Monica seems to think it's because you have feelings for me.
- GavinI do have feelings for you.
- RachelYou do?
- GavinYes, I feel that you are a little annoying.
- RachelSee? Why, Gavin, why? Right when I'm about to change my opinion of you, you go and you ... (he kisses her) and you do that ... (they kiss again)
- [cut to Ross from his appartment, holding baby toys and is shocked to see them kissing]
- ENDING CREDITS
- Chandler(sings in a helium voice) First I was afraid, I was petrified (very happy)
- Phoebe(walks in) Hey
- Chandler(normal voice) Hi
- PhoebeListen, I think I've left something here.
- ChandlerOh, well someone left this (shows a green jacket). This is yours?
- Phoebe(likes the jacket) No, but I like it. I think I left one of my rat babies.
- ChandlerOh, uh, well, I haven't seem it but if I do I'll let you know.
- MonicaOhmygod! Rat baby! Rat baby! Rat baby! (screams from another room)
- Phoebe(realizes) Ooh, maybe that's him!
- END