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  •  /  Friends  /  S09E12 The One With Phoebe's Rats


    • new scene
    • Scene 1

      Coffee place, Joey is there, Chandler is entering

    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Hey
    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey. So where's Mon?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh, she's at home, putting up decorations for Rachel's birthday party tonight.
    • joey
    • Joey
      And you're not helping?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      I tried, but apparantly singing "I will survive" in a helium voice - not helping.
    • (Ross and Rachel enter with Emma in Rachel's hands)
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hey you guys!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (start to sing) Hey! Happy birthday ...
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Shhh don't say that loud, Gunther's gonna want to hug me.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Uh, good news everyone, we finally found a nanny. This is Molly (points to Molly). Molly, Chandler, Joey.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Hi.
    • Molly
      Hi.
    • (Emma starts to cry)
    • ross
    • Ross
      Ooh, somebody's getting a little fussy.
    • joey
    • Joey
      You damn right I am, I've been waiting for a cookie for 7 minutes.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ok, you know what, I'm just gonna take her outside.
    • Molly
      No, you stay, I'll do it (takes Emma from Rachel).
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      OK, thank you.
    • Molly
      Nice to meet you guys (to Chandler and Joey).
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah, you too.
    • (Molly leaves)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, wow, Molly is just great!
    • ross
    • Ross
      Yeah.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yes, Bravo on the hot nanny.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      What? You really think she's hot?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Are you kidding? If I wasn't married she'd be rejecting me right now.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      And Joey?
    • joey
    • Joey
      How do you think she's doing?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Am I the only one who doesn't think that she's hot? Ross?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Eh, I mean, I mena she's not unattractive but hot? I ....
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Thank you! (goes to get coffee)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Now that Rachel's gone?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      So hot I cried myself to sleep last night. (Joey and Chandler clap their hands)
    • OPENING CREDITS
    • new scene
    • Scene 2

      Mike and Phoebe in Phoebe's place, Phoebe is doing a crossword puzzle

    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Hey Mike, what's the capital of Peru?
    • Mike
      Lima.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      No. It starts with a "v" and ends with an "x". Helpfully with a "to" in the middle.
    • Mike
      You know, kinda think of it, the capital of Peru IS "vtox". (opens the kitchen cabinet) Oh god! Oh!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      What?
    • Mike
      OK, I don't want to freak you out or anything, but I think I just saw a rat in your cupboard.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      (relived) Oh, whew, no, that's Bob.
    • Mike
      What, is he your pet rat?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Well not so much a pet as, you know, an occasional visitor who I put food out for, you know. Kinda like Santa. Except Santa doesn't poop on the plate of cookies.
    • Mike
      You can't keep a rat in your appartment! They're extremely unsanitary, and they transmit leptospirosis and hantavirus.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      What are those?
    • Mike
      I don't know but they don't sound like spa treatments. You have to get rid of it!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      OK, fine, if it means that much to you I'll get rid of Bob.
    • Mike
      Thank you.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      So weird, you think he's so gross and you're willing to eat his crackers. (Mike throws out everything in his mouth)
    • new scene
    • Scene 3

      Rachel's office, Rachel comes in and Gavin is there

    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Hello.
    • Gavin
      Hello
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Gavin, I just wanted to say thank you again for watching Emma yesterday during the presentation. I really owe you an appology.
    • Gavin
      For what?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Well, when we first met, you know, I thought you were pompous and arrogant and obnoxious ...
    • Gavin
      Is this your first appology?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      No, I just mean that, you know, first impressions don't mean anything. And I-I think you're a really good guy and I'm sorry that I misjudged you.
    • (Heather walks in)
    • Heather
      Good morning!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Hello. (to Gavin) But you know what, hey, new day, new leaf, I am just really really happy ... (sees Gavin staring at Heather) I'm sorry, obviously Heather's ass has something more important to say so I'll just wait 'till it's finished.
    • Gavin
      What?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      I was giving you an appology and you were totally checking her out!
    • Gavin
      I wasn't checking her out. I'm in fashion, I was looking at her skirt. Or was it pants? I didn't really see what happened below the ass area.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh wow, you are really, you're really a creep.
    • Gavin
      Why do you even care if I was looking at her? Are you jealous?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh yeah, I'm jealous. "Oh Gavin, please, please look at my ass". (Gavin starts looking) Stop looking at my ass! I mean, I just think you are totally inappropriate, ok? This is a work environment, she's your subordinate.
    • Gavin
      I thought it was ok when you slept with your old assistant Tag.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      That is totally different for two reasons. One - I didn't know that you knew that. And two, I wasn't some creep staring at his ass, we had a deap meaningful relationship.
    • Gavin
      Huh. What's Tag's last name?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      It was ... (can't remember) oh my god. He didn't have a last name. It was just "Tag". You know, like Cher, or, you know, Moses.
    • Gavin
      But it was a deap meaningful relationship.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, you know what - my first impression of you was absolutely right. You are arrogant, you are pompous ... Morgan! Morgan! Tag's last name was Morgan! Huh!
    • Gavin
      It was Jones.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah well what are you, his boyfriend?
    • new scene
    • Scene 4

      Coffee place, Molly holding Emma and talking to Joey

    • joey
    • Joey
      Man, I wish I had a nanny like you.
    • Molly
      You mean, when you were a baby.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Sure.
    • (Chandler is staring at Molly)
    • monica
    • Monica
      Would you stop staring at her?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      I wasn't staring. I was leering.
    • monica
    • Monica
      What's the big deal with her? Maybe she's attractive in an obvious kind of way.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Yeah, obvious beauty's the worst. You know, when it's right there in your face. Me, I like to have to work to find someone attractive. Makes me feel like I earned it.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Looks like Joey is doing allright with her.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Yeah. Hey, that was nice of you guys to back off and let Joey get the girl for once.
    • Molly
      (to Ross) I'm gonna take her back to the appartment.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Ok, I'll be home right after work. Ok, by Emma-Wemma-Demma, I love you - wovyou dovyou ...
    • Molly
      Bye
    • monica
    • Monica
      They've elected me to talk to you about the baby talk - it's not so good.
    • Molly
      I think it's sweet. (goes to leave)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Bye, Emma-Wemma-Demma.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      (to Joey) Hey, listen, Joey, about Molly, I really prefer if you didn't go after her.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Why not?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Because it took us months to find a good nanny and I wouldn't want anything to, you know, drive her away.
    • joey
    • Joey
      So, what, you think I'm just gonna sleep with her and never call her again and things are gonna get uncomfortable? (thinks about it) Yeah, sounds about right.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Come on, there are plenty of other women out thereok? Just - just forget about her, ok? Just, she's off limits.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Oh, man, why did have to go and say that for? Now that you told me I can't have it makes me want her even more!
    • ross
    • Ross
      What are you, a child?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yes!
    • ross
    • Ross
      Joey, come on now, for me! Please, just-just try to focus your sexual energy on someone else.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Fine. (looks around, then focuses on Monica)
    • monica
    • Monica
      (to Chandler) Take me home! (they quickly leave)
    • new scene
    • Scene 5

      Phoebe's place, Phoebe and Mike are there

    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Hey Mikey
    • Mike
      Hey P
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      What are you doing?
    • Mike
      Setting rat traps.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      To kill Bob??
    • Mike
      No, no, to test his neck strength.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      No, Mike, I don't want to kill him! I thought we were just gonna capture him and, and you know, set him free in the country side where he can maybe meet a friendly possom and a wisecracking owl.
    • Mike
      Ok, ok, I'll throw away the traps.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      I'll find Bob, I'll get him. Bob? (starts looking) Bob! Robert! (looks at cabinet under sink) Oh wait, I think I hear him. Oh - Oh my god! Bob had babies! Bob's a mom!
    • Mike
      Better think of a new name for him.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      I don't know, I kinda like Bob for a girl.
    • Mike
      I don't know, I mean I'm not sure (they hear cracking voice from somewhere else in the kitchen, probably a rat caught in a trap) ...
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh my god, we killed Bob!
    • Mike
      Maybe it wasn't Bob, maybe it was a mouse.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Suzie? (Runs over there to check)
    • new scene
    • Scene 6

      Monica and Chandler's, Ross enters

    • ross
    • Ross
      Whazzup??
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Seriously dude, 3 years ago.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Listen, can you do me a favor? I'm gonna be out today. Can you just keep an eye on Joey, make sure nothing happens between him and Molly?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      You don't trust him?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Wh - No. Some woman who sounded a lot like Joey called earlier and asked for her daughter, the "hot nanny".
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Is this really your long term plan, for me to run interference? Because I could get a job any day now.
    • ross
    • Ross
      You do appear right on the cusp of something. Come on man, I'm sure he'll lose interest in a week or two, but for now can you please just do this for me?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Allright, fine, but don't blame me if it doesn't work. Because you know as well as I do that once Joey sets his mind on something, more often than not, he's going to have sex with it.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Well we gotta do something, ok? Nannies like her don't grow on trees. (pause)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Picturing that tree?
    • ross
    • Ross
      I am, yes.
    • new scene
    • Scene 7

      Hallway, Joey get out of his appartment and Chandler jumps out of his

    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Where you going, Joe?
    • (Joey falls on floor and gets up)
    • joey
    • Joey
      For a walk.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh. You mind if I join you?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Actually, that will be long. You know, I really need to organize my thoughts.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Your thoughts? Plural?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Allright, fine, I only have one thought! It's about the hot nanny, I gotta see her!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Joe.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Now YOU'RE telling me I can't see her?? You guys are killing me! She's forbidden fruit! It's like ... like she's the princess and I'm the stable boy ... Why are you doing this, huh? Did Ross tell you not to let me go over there?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yes, as a matter of fact he did, so I can't let you go.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Huh. Interesting. Now there are obstacles. Hot nanny and me against the world. This is the kind of stuff great novels are made of.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Great novels?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Fine ... mediocre porn
    • new scene
    • Scene 8

      Rachel's office, Rachel and Gavin there, phone rings, Gavin picks it up

    • Gavin
      Gavin Mitchelle's office.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Rachel Green's office!! Give me that phone! (takes the phone) Hello, this is Rachel Green, how can I help you? Uh huh ... ok then ... I'll pass you back to your son (gives phone to Gavin)
    • Gavin
      Hey Mom! No, that's just my secretary. (Rachel is upset)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Um, excuse me Gavin, I have a question I need to ask you.
    • Gavin
      Mom, I'll call you later. Yeah. (hangs up) (to Rachel) Yes?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      If you like looking at butts so much why don't you just go look at a mirror?
    • Gavin
      Thank god you finally said that, I saw you make a note on your pad three hours ago. (Rachel throws away that paper) Man, I really bug you, don't I?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, please, I don't care about you enough to bug me. In fact, from now on, I'm going take the high road. And I'm going be very very nice to you, you "momma's boy", starting right now.
    • (door knock, Monica enters)
    • monica
    • Monica
      Hey Rach!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Hi!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Ready for your birthday lunch?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah I am, I am! Oh, but first of all, Monica, I would like to introduce you to my very talented colleage and more importantly my wonderful friend Gavin Mitchelle.
    • Gavin
      Pleased to meet you.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Pleased to meet you. So you're coming to Rachel's party tonight?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh no no no no no, Gavin can't, he already has plans, most likely with his mother.
    • Gavin
      Well I don't mind, I'll cancel. I would never miss my secretary's birthday. (leaves)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Why did you invite him?? I can't stand that guy!
    • monica
    • Monica
      You were just being so nice to him!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      I was faking it! Can't you tell when I'm being fake?
    • (A man walks by)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Hey, Mr Philips, nice suit!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Right there! That was so fake!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Shh!
    • new scene
    • Scene 9

      Rachel's birthday party

    • rachel
    • Rachel
      (to Monica) I still can't believe you invited Gavin. Allright, he is the last person I want to see.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Oh, you're welcome for the party. I'm glad you're having a good time.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      God, I hope he doesn't show up. Of course he's not gonna show up, the guy hates me.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Does he?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      What?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Maybe he's bothering you so much because he likes you. It's like in first grade when Skippy Langwild always pushed me on the playground because he secretly had a crush on me?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, Monica, you think Skippy liked you? Honey, all those buys had a bet to see if he can knock you over.
    • Molly
      (with Emma in a basinet) She's out, I'm gonna take her home.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, ok, thank you. (Molly leaves) (to Monica) Do you see what all the guys see in her?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Wouldn't kick her out of bed. No more Vodka for me! (put her glass down)
    • (Joey comes over)
    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey Rach, so can I sing happy birthday to you now?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah, sure!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Oh ... (Starts to sing) Happy birth ... (sees Molly leaving) oh, see you later (runs after Molly)
    • monica
    • Monica
      Hey Rach, somebody got you shoes!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, give me! (opens the box happily, then gets freaked and throws away the box, she and Monica jump up the sofa)
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Be careful, be careful! These are my rat babies!
    • Mike
      Yeah. We have rat babies now.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ahhhh , you brought rats to my birthday party?
    • monica
    • Monica
      So this is what a stroke feels like.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      I had to bring them! We killed their mother, they're our responsibility now. You know, they require constant care. You should know that, Rachel, you're a mother.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Are you comparing my daughter to a rat?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      No! Seven rats! I think we should take them home, we need feed them.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      whhh wait, you're gonna leave my party to take care of a box of rats?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Well I'm sorry Rachel, but I'm not like you, ok? Not everyone can afford help. (she and Mike leave)
    • (Ross gets out of the bathroom, sees Chandler)
    • ross
    • Ross
      Where the hell are Joey and Molly? I asked you to watch them.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (In a helium voice, holding a balloon) I'm sorry, I got a little occupied.
    • ross
    • Ross
      We have to stop them before something happens!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (still helium voice) Right behind you, big guy! (they both head for the door)
    • new scene
    • Scene 10

      Ross's place, Molly and Joey are talking on the couch

    • joey
    • Joey
      So you see, Molly, what people don't understand is that acting is a discipline. It takes a lot of hard work.
    • Molly
      So where did you study?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Oh, I didn't go to college.
    • Molly
      No, where did you study acting?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Molly ... people don't study acting ...
    • (Ross and Chandler walk in, Joey looks disappointed)
    • ross
    • Ross
      Molly, ah, do you mind giving us just a minute?
    • Molly
      Sure, I'll go check on Emma.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Thanx.
    • (Molly gets up and walks away)
    • joey
    • Joey
      (upset) Will the stable boy never get the princess??
    • ross
    • Ross
      What do you think you're gonna do, have sex with her right here on my couch?
    • joey
    • Joey
      No ... the leather sticks to my ass. You know, this isn't fair. What makes you think that I'm just gonna sleep with her and then blow her off? Huh? Can't you guys open your minds to the possibility that I actally like her, and might want something real? (pause) Look, the truth is, I haven't felt this way about anyone since Rachel, ok? I didn't think I could ever love again.
    • (pause)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Come on! Joe!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Ok (admits)
    • (knock on door, Ross opens, it's a woman)
    • Woman
      Hi, is Molly here?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Yeah, come on in. Molly?
    • Molly
      (goes out of the room) Hey! Guys, this is Tabatha (they kiss on the lips in a romantic way). (to Ross) I'll see you tomorrow.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Ok ... (they leave the room, long pause) Well, uh, Joey, I guess we have no problem.
    • joey
    • Joey
      It's like my favorite fairy tale come true! (Chandler looks at him) The princess, the stable boy and the lesbian!
    • new scene
    • Scene 11

      Phoebe's place, Phoebe and Mike enter

    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Ok, ok, you start preparing the formula and I start changing the box and then we gotta put them straight to bed.
    • Mike
      Hey, when did we become one of those couples whose lives revolve around their rats?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Well, you know what, they're our responsibility now.
    • Mike
      Ok, fine, these rats are our responsibility. What happens when they mate and there are hundreds of them?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Mate? They're all brothers and sisters.
    • Mike
      Yeah - not such a problem with rats. No, they're more of a "love the one you're with" kind of animals.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      No. (opens the box) wh - get off your sister! Oh my god, what are we gonna do? We have 7 rats. So what if each of them has 7 rats? And then each of those have 7 rats? That's like ... (starts counting with her fingers) That's math I can't even do! What are we gonna do?
    • Mike
      Well, I know this is gonna sound crazy, but, we could not let the box of rats ruin our lives.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Yeah, ok. I guess you're right. Allright, so we should just give them away. But to nice families, with children, and reduced fat wheat thins. They're Bob's favorites.
    • Mike
      It's gonna be ok.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      You must think I'm crazy.
    • Mike
      No, I think you're sweet.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Good. It's just so hard, it's hard for me to ... let them go. I guess it just brings back memories, you know, from ... when I gave birth to my brother's triplets and I had to give them up. (Mike is shocked) I haven't told you about that yet, have I?
    • new scene
    • Scene 12

      Rachel's party, Rachel is on the balcony, Monica goes there also

    • monica
    • Monica
      Hey!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Hi. Thanks for the party, honey. Should I help you clean up?
    • monica
    • Monica
      No way! You had your party, now I have mine! Is everything alright?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah, I just get a little bummed when my birthday's over.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Well, at least you have one thing to be happy about. That jerk Gavin from your office didn't show up (Gavin shows up at the balcony windows).
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Mmm hmm.
    • Gavin
      Yeah, hey. (comes in to the balcony)
    • monica
    • Monica
      Oh, we weren't talking about you. No, no way to recover.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      No.
    • (Monica goes back inside)
    • Gavin
      Nice party.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Well, it was, and you would have seen it if you didn't showed up at (looks at his watch) ... 9:30?? God! Oh, this party was lame ...
    • monica
    • Monica
      (from inside) Again, you're welcome.
    • Gavin
      Look, I'll just give you this and go.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, you bought me a present! Why?
    • Gavin
      Well, let me explain how birthday parties usually work. There are presents, and a cake, perhaps a fourth or fifth person. Ok, I ... got you the present to make up for being such a jerk to you earlier.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Aww. Well, ok, well that's very nice. And you wrote a card (opens the card). "From Gavin"
    • Gavin
      I really mean it.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      (opens the present, it's a green scarf) Awww, awww, it's beautiful.
    • Gavin
      You don't mind? (puts it around her neck) Well, what do you know, it fits!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      See, Gavin, you're capable of being a nice guy. Why did you give me such a hard time?
    • Gavin
      I'm not sure.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Well Monica seems to think it's because you have feelings for me.
    • Gavin
      I do have feelings for you.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      You do?
    • Gavin
      Yes, I feel that you are a little annoying.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      See? Why, Gavin, why? Right when I'm about to change my opinion of you, you go and you ... (he kisses her) and you do that ... (they kiss again)
    • [cut to Ross from his appartment, holding baby toys and is shocked to see them kissing]
    • ENDING CREDITS
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (sings in a helium voice) First I was afraid, I was petrified (very happy)
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      (walks in) Hey
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (normal voice) Hi
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Listen, I think I've left something here.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh, well someone left this (shows a green jacket). This is yours?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      (likes the jacket) No, but I like it. I think I left one of my rat babies.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh, uh, well, I haven't seem it but if I do I'll let you know.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Ohmygod! Rat baby! Rat baby! Rat baby! (screams from another room)
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      (realizes) Ooh, maybe that's him!
    • END