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  •  /  Friends  /  S07E16 The One With The Truth About London


    • new scene
    • Scene 1

      Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is filing her nails as Ross and Ben enter.

    • ross
    • Ross
      Hi.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Hi! Hi Ben!
    • Ben
      Hi.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hi, we have a little bathroom emergency.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, yeah go ahead.
    • (Ben starts to go, but Ross stops him.)
    • ross
    • Ross
      Uh, before we do uh, are any of Joey's special romance magazines in there?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      No. No.
    • ross
    • Ross
      (to Ben) Okay! All clear!
    • Ben
      (running to the bathroom) Thanks Phoebe!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ben, its Rachel! (He closes the door.) But whatever.
    • ross
    • Ross
      (to Ben) Everything okay in there?
    • Ben
      Don't talk to me now!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Awww, just like his daddy.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hey listen can you do me a big favor? The dean's office just called and said there was an urgent meeting. Can you watch Ben for like an hour?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      What-what about Monica?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Oh, she isn't home.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      (nervous) So it would just be, me alone?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Well, Ben would be there.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Huh umm...
    • ross
    • Ross
      What's the matter?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Well that-y'know it's just uh, I've never done that before. Me and him alone.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Rach, he's not an ex-con.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Okay. Okay. Okay. Uh, what do I, what do I do with him?
    • ross
    • Ross
      I don't know! Just-just talk to him-entertain him and keep him alive.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Okay.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Okay. (Ben enters) Ben? Come here. All right, I'm gonna leave you here with Aunt Rachel for about an hour. Okay? Are you gonna be okay?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah I think so.
    • ross
    • Ross
      (To Rachel) I wasn't talking to you.
    • Ben
      I'll be okay.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Okay, I'll see you soon buddy. (He hugs and kisses him.) Be back in an hour.
    • Ben
      Bye dad.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Bye. (Ross exits.) Ahhh... (Silence) So this is fun, huh?
    • Ben
      Not really.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Okay. Uh, want something-want something to drink?
    • Ben
      Okay.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Uh great! How do you feel about Diet Coke?
    • Ben
      I'm not allowed to have soda.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Okay. Well that's pretty much all that we have-Oh! Oh! Have you ever had a virgin margarita? (Holds up a bottle of margarita mix.)
    • Ben
      What's a virgin?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Water it is.
    • OPENING CREDITS
    • new scene
    • Scene 2

      Central Perk, Monica and Chandler are talking. Joey and Phoebe are getting coffee.

    • monica
    • Monica
      What about the second minister we meet with? I kinda liked him.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      You mean the spitter?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Come on! It wasn't that bad!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Easy for you to say; you'll be wearing a veil.
    • monica
    • Monica
      All right, what about the third guy?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      You mean the guy who kept staring at your chest?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Can you blame him?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Sorry, I just don't like the idea of when I say, "I do," he's thinking, "Yeah, I'd do her too!"
    • monica
    • Monica
      Well then we still have a problem.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yeah!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      (returning with Joey) With what?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Well, we're trying to find someone to perform our wedding and they're all either boring or annoying or y'know, can't stop staring at the ladies. (Points to her chest.)
    • (Joey nods his approval.)
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oo! You should have one of us do it!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Phoebe, we're getting married, married; not sixth grade married.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      No! No! It's-it's uh a real thing! Anyone can get ordained on the Internet and perform like weddings and stuff!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Are you serious?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Yes! A friend of mine did it and it's totally legal!
    • joey
    • Joey
      I call it!!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      What?! No! It was my idea!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Guys thank you very much but neither of you is marrying us.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Does calling it not mean anything anymore?!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      We are going to have a legitimate member of the clergy! And when I say legitimate I mean, gay and in control of his saliva!
    • new scene
    • Scene 3

      Joey and Rachel's, Rachel and Ben are sitting on the couch bored out of their minds.

    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ben y'know when uh, when you were a baby, you and I used to hang out all the time. 'Cause I was, I was your daddy's girlfriend.
    • Ben
      But you're not anymore!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      No, I'm not.
    • Ben
      'Cause you guys were on a break.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Hey! We were not on a-Okay. That's fine! Fine. Y'know what Ben? One day when you are a lot older I am going to tell you that entire story over a pitcher of real margaritas, okay?
    • Ben
      When's my daddy coming back?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      (checks her watch) Fifty-two minutes. (Pause) So no-no brothers and sisters, huh? That must be nice. You don't have to share stuff.
    • Ben
      Sharing is good.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, you're one of those. But y'know what? I have two sisters of my own and we just-just tortured each other.
    • Ben
      Really? Like how?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Well y'know, we would umm, repeat everything the other said, or uh, we'd jump out of closets to scare each other, or switch the sugar for the salt so they'd put salt on their cereal.
    • Ben
      (laughs) That's a good one.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah? You like that one?
    • Ben
      Yeah, you're funny.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      I'm funny? Oh thank God! Well hey, I've got a ton of these! Umm, oh hear-Do you want a good one? Here's a good one. Umm, you uh, you take a quarter, take a quarter and, and you blacken the edge. Right? (Does so.) And then you say to person, I bet you can't roll this quarter from your forehead to your chin without it leaving your face. And then when they do it, they're left with a big black pencil line right down the center of their face.
    • Ben
      Can I do it to you?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah, I-I-I-I'm funny Ben, but I'm not stupid. Okay?
    • new scene
    • Scene 4

      Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are eating lunch as Joey enters.

    • joey
    • Joey
      So, did you uh, find anyone to marry you guys yet?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      No, but Horny for Monica Minister called, wanting to know if we were still together.
    • monica
    • Monica
      We're never gonna find anybody.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Well then let me do it!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Joe...
    • joey
    • Joey
      No-no-no! Look, I've been thinking about it. I'm an actor right? So I won't get nervous talking in front of people.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Joey look it's really sweet...
    • joey
    • Joey
      No-no-no-no look no! I won't spit, and I won't stare at Monica's breasts! Y'know? Everyone knows I'm an ass man!
    • monica
    • Monica
      That is true.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah and the most important thing is that it won't be some like, stranger up there who barely knows you. It'll be me! And I swear I'll do a really good job. Plus, y'know I love you guys and-and it would really mean a lot to me.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (To Monica) Y'know, we haven't found anybody else.
    • monica
    • Monica
      It might be kinda cool.
    • joey
    • Joey
      So I can do it?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yeah you can do it.
    • joey
    • Joey
      All right!!! Okay!! All right! Okay-okay, I gotta get started on my speech! Oh, wait a minute, Internet ministers can still have sex right?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yeah.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Okay.
    • (Phoebe enters slowly.)
    • monica
    • Monica
      Hey Pheebs, how's it going?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh, I have a headache. A horrible headache!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Oh, I'm sorry. Can I get you something?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh my God, you've got to stop chattering!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Here, take a couple of these. (She gets up to grab a couple of pills.)
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      What is it?
    • monica
    • Monica
      It's Hexadrin.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh no, I don't believe in Western medicine. No, if you just apply pressure to these points right here. (She's pinching the bit of skin between her right thumb and forefinger with her left hand.) Then your hand starts to hurt and you still have a headache, so thanks. (Takes the pills.)
    • monica
    • Monica
      Okay, while we're waiting for these pills to kick in, I'm gonna sit you down on the couch. Come on. (Phoebe gets up and goes with her.) Get some nice soft pillows under your head, I'm gonna turn the TV on and you can watch whatever you want. And I'm-Sit down-(She sits down on the couch)-gonna make you some tea. And then, I'm gonna rub your feet.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Oh! My head! Oh! (He's sitting on the chair, lies back, and puts his feet up for Monica to rub.) Oh!
    • new scene
    • Scene 5

      Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is reading and there is knock on the door which she answers.

    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Coming.
    • (She opens the door to reveal Ross with a pencil mark from his forehead to his chin.)
    • ross
    • Ross
      I have a bone to pick with you.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Uh-oh.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Yes! Ben learned a little trick.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh yeah? Did he pull the old... (She is waving her hand up and down her face. She's thinking about the pencil mark.)
    • ross
    • Ross
      That's right! That's right! Saran Wrap on the toilet seat so the pee goes everywhere!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh that.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Yeah that! You know I hate practical jokes! They're mean and they're stupid and-and I don't want my son learning them!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, come on! Saran Wrap on the toilet seat, you don't think that's just a little funny?!
    • ross
    • Ross
      I was barefoot. Now tell me, the toilet thing is the only thing you taught him right?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      (looking at his mark) Yes.
    • new scene
    • Scene 6

      Central Perk, Phoebe, Chandler, and Monica are there.

    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      It's amazing! My headache is completely gone! What are those pills called?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Hexadrin. (She gets the box out of her purse.)
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh, I love you Hexadrin! (She kisses the box.) Oh look! It comes with a story! (She pulls out the instructions and side affects paper.)
    • monica
    • Monica
      No Phoebe, those are like the side affects and stuff.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Say what?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Y'know, the possible side affects.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh my God! (Starts reading them.) Dizziness, nervousness, drowsiness, facial swelling, nausea, headache-Headache. Vomiting, stomach bleeding, liver damage! Now okay, I don't recall any of this coming up when you gave me these little death capsules! Oh I'm sorry, extra strength death capsules!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Phoebe, relax none of that stuff ever happens! They just put it on there for legal reasons!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Why?
    • monica
    • Monica
      In case it happens.
    • joey
    • Joey
      (entering) Hey!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Hey!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Say hello to Reverend Joey Tribbiani! (Holds up the piece of paper bearing the proof of his ordination.)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Hey!
    • monica
    • Monica
      You did it! You got ordained?!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah, I just got off the Internet! Man, there is a lot of porn out there!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Our minister...
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      I have liver damage. Ow! Oh! (She grabs the left side of her torso.)
    • monica
    • Monica
      Phoebe, your liver is right here. (She points to the right side of her torso.)
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Okay, then I must be disoriented.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Anyway, I started working on what I'm going to say for the ceremony, do you wanna hear it?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Okay.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Yeah!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Now-now, listen this is just a first draft so... (Starts to read the piece of paper he brought.) "We are gathered here today on this joyous occasion to celebrate the special love that Monica and Chandler share." (Monica and Chandler like it so far.) Eh? (He continues reading.) "It is a love based on giving and receiving. As well as having and sharing. And the love that they give and have is shared and received. And through this having and giving and sharing and receiving." (Phoebe nods her approval.) "We too can share and love and have and receive."
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (To Monica) Should we call the spitter?
    • COMMERCIAL BREAK
    • new scene
    • Scene 7

      Carol and Susan's, there is a knock on the door and Carol opens it to reveal Rachel.

    • Carol
      Hey Rachel! (The camera cuts to her face and we see that Ben pulled the quarter trick with her as well.)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Hi!
    • Carol
      What a nice surprise! What are you doing here?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Well y'know I was just in the neighborhood and I passed by your building and I thought to myself, "What's up with Carol and sweet, little Ben?"
    • Carol
      Can I ask what-Come on in.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Okay.
    • Carol
      Umm uh, I'll make some coffee and we can uh, chat.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      I'd love that. I would loooove... (Carol goes to make the coffee and she sits down.) So uh, so where is sweet little Ben? I would love to have a little...
    • Ben
      (jumping up from behind her chair) Gotcha!! (Rachel jumps up startled.)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      I found him! (To Ben) Very funny, come here! (She sits down on the coffee table and Ben walks up.) That is exactly why I've come here to talk to you okay?
    • Carol
      (from the kitchen) Rach, do you want some sugar in your coffee?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yes oh-(To Ben)-Do I want sugar in my coffee? (Ben nods no.) No, just some milk would be good Carol. Thanks. (To Ben) Okay, do you remember all that stuff I taught you yesterday?
    • Ben
      (mimicking her) Remember all that stuff I taught you yesterday?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Don't do that.
    • Ben
      Don't do that.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Seriously, your dad doesn't like pranks.
    • Ben
      Seriously, your dad doesn't like pranks.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh damnit!
    • Ben
      Oh damnit!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      No! Don't say that! Don't say that!
    • Ben
      Damnit!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      No don't! Go back to repeating!
    • Ben
      Damnit!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh crap!
    • Ben
      Oh crap!
    • new scene
    • Scene 8

      Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler, and Monica are returning from Central Perk.

    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      I feel like my face is swelling. (To Monica) Is my face swelling?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Phoebe, your face is fine! Come on, none of this stuff is going to happen to you! Stop being such a baby!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh, interesting you should call me that! Now that I may never have one! (Holds up the warning label.)
    • joey
    • Joey
      Okay you guys, I got a little more written. Are you ready?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yeah. O-okay.
    • joey
    • Joey
      (reading) "When I think of the love that these two givers and receivers share, I can not help but envy the lifetime ahead of having and loving and giving and..." And then I can't think of a good word for right here. (He points to the stop on the paper where he left off.)
    • monica
    • Monica
      How about receiving?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yes!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      See Joe, not that that's not grrreat! But, one of the cool things about having somebody we know perform the ceremony is that it can be about us! Y'know, it can be more personal. You can tell stories about us!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Ooh, like the time you and I went to Atlantic City and I made you laugh so hard you threw up your whole steak?! Remember?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      No, not us... (Motions Joey and him.) Us! (Motions Monica and him.)
    • monica
    • Monica
      I gotcha. Sorry. (To Monica) So, did you ever make him throw up a whole anything?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Did you ever feed him a poison capsule that made him bleed from the eyes?
    • monica
    • Monica
      It doesn't say that!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh! Suddenly somebody knows all about the side affects!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      See Joe, we want you to tell stories but y'know, romantic stories. Nice stories.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Oh. Okay. Ooh! Ooh! Okay, maybe I'll talk about London! Y'know when you two hooked up! Only, only I won't say hooked up. I'll say, "Began their beautiful journey..."
    • monica
    • Monica
      There you go!
    • joey
    • Joey
      "...by doin' it."
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Joe?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Okay. All right. Umm, so uh, so how did it happen? Did your eyes meet across the room? And then the next thing y'know you're in the bathtub together and she's feeding you strawberries?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Isn't that what happened with you and the bride's maid?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah!! I call that London style.
    • monica
    • Monica
      No that is not what happened with us. Well, I was umm, I was really sad that night because this guy that I was Ross's mom.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Oh.
    • monica
    • Monica
      And then Chandler was, was really sweet and he consoled me. And well we drank too much...
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah baby!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      And I was a perfect gentleman and I walked her to her hotel room and said goodnight.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Oh.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      But then later that night...
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah baby!
    • [Cut to London, Chandler's hotel room. He is getting ready for bed by doing push-ups. One push-up. Just as he gets under the covers, there's a knock on the door.]
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (answering the door) Hey!
    • monica
    • Monica
      (standing outside) Cute PJ's! You're really livin' it up here in London huh?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Well I was... I was exactly expecting company after...(He looks at his watch.) 9:15.
    • monica
    • Monica
      (entering) Is Joey here?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Well, last time I saw him he was heading out the door with the bride's maid and a bucket of strawberries. So uh, you're not still upset about what that guy told ya are ya?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Wouldn't you be?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Well, look it's been a really emotional time y'know, and you've had a lot to drink. And you've just got to let that go okay? I mean you were the most beautiful in the room tonight!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Really?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      You kidding? You're the most beautiful woman in most rooms... (She jumps up and kisses him.) (Breaking the kiss.) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What's going on? You and I just made out! You and I are making out?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Well, not anymore.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      But we don't do that.
    • monica
    • Monica
      I know, I just thought it would be fun.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      How drunk are you?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Drunk enough to know that I want to do this. Not so drunk that you should feel guilty about taking advantage.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (thinks) That's the perfect amount!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Okay!
    • (They run to the bed, sit down, and start making out again.)
    • monica
    • Monica
      (breaking the kiss) Y'know what's weird?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      What?
    • monica
    • Monica
      This doesn't feel weird!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      I know.
    • monica
    • Monica
      You're a really good kisser.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Well, I have kissed over four women. (They kiss again.) Do you wanna get under the covers?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Hm-hmm!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Okay!
    • (They do so and they take off their clothes.)
    • monica
    • Monica
      Wow! You are really fast!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      It bodes well for me that speed impresses you.
    • monica
    • Monica
      We're gonna see each other naked.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yep!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Do you wanna do it at the same time?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Count of three?
    • monica
    • Monica
      One!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Two!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Two!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Three! (They lift up the covers and check each other out, then come back up with silly grins on their faces.)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Well I think it's safe to say that our friendship is effectively ruined.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Eh, we weren't that close anyway!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Eh!
    • (They start making out again, and it takes Joey trying to enter to stop them.)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Joey! Joey! Joey! J-J-Joey-Joey-J-Joey! (Monica hides under the covers as Joey enters. Remember?)
    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Hey Joe! I was just watching a movie-e-e... (Notices that the TV is turned off.)
    • joey
    • Joey
      Oh, dude I'm so sorry!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      No! No! No!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey no-no-no-no! It's cool! It's cool! I-I'll only be a second, I'm still with my bride's maid, I just-Where are those condoms you brought?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      They're in my bag over there. (Points.)
    • joey
    • Joey
      Ah. (Joey walks to Chandler's bag by getting as far away from Chandler's bed as possible.)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Uh, could you leave me one?
    • joey
    • Joey
      (pause) For just you?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yeah.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey listen, why don't you come downstairs with me? There's some really nice girls down there.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      No I-I-I'm fine.
    • joey
    • Joey
      All right, here you go buddy. (He tosses him one.) Go nuts. (Exits.)
    • [Cut back to Monica and Chandler telling Phoebe and Joey the story.]
    • joey
    • Joey
      That's what that was?! 'Cause that other thing? I thought you were on to something, but it did nothing for me.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Okay, can we change the topic? Because it's really doing nothing for me.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Oh... (To Chandler) Can you imagine if I hadn't left you that last one? You two might've never gotten together. Ooh-ooh! Could you imagine if I sent that hooker up to the room like I was gonna?! It's like it was in the stars!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Yeah, it's totally meant to be. (To Monica) Tell him who you originally wanted to hook up with that night.
    • monica
    • Monica
      What?!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      What?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      (To Joey) What?!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Who did you originally want to hook up with?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Okay, fine but please don't be upset! Okay? I was really depressed okay? And really drunk! I just wanted something stupid and meaningless. I just wanted...just sex. So, when I...went to your room that night...I was actually looking...for Joey. (Joey smiles.)
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah baby! (Chandler glares at him.) No baby!
    • COMMERCIAL BREAK
    • new scene
    • Scene 9

      Monica and Chandler's, scene continued from earlier.

    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (To Monica) So you came to the room looking for Joey? Did you ever in-intend on telling me about this?
    • monica
    • Monica
      No because it-it didn't seem important.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh, it's not important? It's not important?! If it wasn't for a bride's maid you'd be marrying him (Points to Joey) not me!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Noo!! The point is that is was you that was there that night! It is you that I am marrying! It is you that I feel in love with!
    • joey
    • Joey
      And it is a love that is based on having and giving and receiv-(Shuts up on Monica's glare.)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      I don't believe it. The most romantic night of my life and I'm runner up.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Chandler, please! Do you know how unbelievably glad I am that Joey was not there that night?!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey! (Monica turns and looks at him) Now I'm a man of the cloth, but I still have feelings!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (To Joey) Look there is no way you're doing this wedding now. Okay?
    • joey
    • Joey
      What?! That's not fair! It's not my fault! I was off with my bride's maid! And who's to say I would've even said yes?! (To Monica) I mean I would've said yes. Chandler look y-y-you are making way to big a deal out of this, all right? Look, everything worked out okay!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Okay, it's just weird! Okay? I don't want to be standing their saying my vows and then having the mental image of you and Monica! I-I-I need...I don't know what I need. I need a walk.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Wait Chandler come on, let's-it's not a big deal!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      It is to me. You wanted to sleep with Batman, and instead you had to settle for Robin. (Walks out and slams the door.)
    • joey
    • Joey
      This is crazy.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      I know! Robin is so gay!
    • new scene
    • Scene 10

      Carol and Susan's, Rachel is talking with Ben.

    • rachel
    • Rachel
      So now what have we agreed?
    • Ben
      No more pranks.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      And-and what else?
    • Ben
      That you and daddy were not on a break.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Very good.
    • (There's a knock on the door and Ross enters.)
    • ross
    • Ross
      Rachel! What are you doing here?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      I'm just visiting my good friend Carol.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Your good friend?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah!
    • ross
    • Ross
      What's her last name?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Carol...Lesbian?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Nice. And by the way that uh, that line down my face?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      What line?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Wh-wh-what line? The line that prompted a student in my last class of the day to say uh, (In a college frat boy voice) "Dude, don't you ever was your face?"
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      All right, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't tell you but you were so mad already!
    • ross
    • Ross
      Of course I was mad! I told you I-I hate this stuff! Okay? It-it's not funny!
    • Carol
      (entering from the kitchen) Hey Ross!
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hi.
    • Carol
      What's not funny?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Practical jokes.
    • Carol
      Oh I...I think they're funny.
    • ross
    • Ross
      You have a line down your face.
    • Carol
      What? (Goes and checks.)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Okay, maybe they are not funny to you...
    • Carol
      (yelling from the bathroom) Oh my God!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Or Carol! But they're funny to kids and who is it hurting?!
    • ross
    • Ross
      Uh, y'know what? I'll tell you who it hurts! It hurts the kid who has all his clothes stolen in gym class so he has to go to the principal's office wearing nothing but a catcher's mitt!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      That was you?! We heard about you in Junior High! Did you really just shake your fist in the air and shout, "I will be revenged?!"
    • ross
    • Ross
      I will be! Listen, I don't want you teaching my son that stuff anymore. Okay?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Fine. Fine, but I'll have you know that once I taught him that stuff he called me Fun Aunt Rachel. And I loved being Fun Aunt Rachel but I'll go back to being Boring and Uncomfortable Aunt Rachel if that's what you want!
    • ross
    • Ross
      No that's not what I want. Uh, I'm glad you guys were bonding but I...
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Look he doesn't have any brothers or sisters, somebody's gonna have to teach him this stuff! And I haven't taught him anything that a normal 6-year-old doesn't know anyway!
    • Ben
      (yelling from off camera) Crap!!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      I gotta go! (Runs out.)
    • new scene
    • Scene 11

      Central Perk, Chandler is sulking on the couch as Joey enters to talk with him.

    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Hey. Do you want this scone? (Holds up his plate) It came for me but it would probably rather sleep with you!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Chandler, come on nothing even happened!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Look Joe, I know you wanted to do the wedding...
    • joey
    • Joey
      No-hey-no! If you don't want me to do it, I except that. I don't care about that. I just...I don't want you to be upset.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      How can I not be upset? Okay? I finally fall in love with this fantastic woman and it turns out that she wanted you first!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah for like a half an hour one night! Chandler, she wants you for the rest of her life! You're so lucky! Look what I missed out on by not being there! Although you know what? It could never have worked like you guys did, 'cause you guys are perfect for each other. Y'know, we look at you and-and we see you together and it just...it-it fits. Y'know? And you just know it's gonna last forever.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      That's what you should say.
    • joey
    • Joey
      What?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      When you're marrying us; that's what you should say.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Really? I can do it?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      I'd love it if you would do it.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey! (They hug.)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      But those are the words! Those exact words!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Well I don't know remember exactly but, it's-it's pretty much about having and giving and sharing and receiving.
    • new scene
    • Scene 12

      Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is in the kitchen as Ross and Ben are entering.

    • ross
    • Ross
      Hey!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Hey!
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hey I'm sorry to do this to you again but uh, is there any way you can look after Ben for a little bit? I-I've got this meeting at school. And-and he-he asked for his uh, 'Fun Aunt' Rachel, so...
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ohhh! Well of course I will watch him! We have fun, don't we Ben? (He nods yes.)
    • ross
    • Ross
      Okay, I'll see you later pal.
    • (Ross turns to leave.)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ohh, okay. (Ross has a sign on his back that reads 'Poop.') Wh-Ah-ha! (Ross stops and turns.) Wait a minute. Uh Ben, I can't do it.
    • ross
    • Ross
      What?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      I can't let him go out that way, he's got a meeting. (To Ross) You've got something here on your back.
    • ross
    • Ross
      What? (She takes the sign off and hands it to him.) That's great. That is great. (Crumples up the paper and throws it down in anger.) What did we just finish talking about Ben?!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh I...
    • Ben
      What did we just finish talking about Ben?!
    • ross
    • Ross
      All right, that's it! (He runs over to Ben, but he runs past him and out the door.) Come-you-no! You are in big trouble young man!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      No! Wait! Come on!
    • [Cut to the hallway, Ben runs upstairs with Ross in pursuit.]
    • ross
    • Ross
      Wait! No! Ben, come here! I am not kidding!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      No you guys... (She walks out into the hallway.)
    • ross
    • Ross
      I-I-am-(Suddenly Ross starts screaming and comes falling down the stairs landing just in front of Rachel.)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      EHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! My God!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my God!!!!!!! (She runs over to him and finds that it was a dummy and that she had been had.)
    • new scene
    • Scene 13

      Central Perk, Chandler and Monica are entering. Phoebe and Joey are sitting on the couch.

    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Hey-hey.
    • joey
    • Joey
      So are guys doing okay?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yeah, we talked and Monica made me see that I over reacted a little bit and some things in life are more important.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Yeah baby! (Phoebe and Joey nod.)
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      I'm really glad you guys are okay but, I just keep thinking what would happen if-if you two (Points to Monica and Joey) actually had hooked up.
    • new scene
    • Scene 14

      Monica and Joey's, Monica is cooking.

    • monica
    • Monica
      Honey! Dinner's ready!
    • (Joey, whose new diet is working out great, he looks like he only weighs 375 down from 420 enters from the bedroom.)
    • joey
    • Joey
      What's my little chef got for me tonight?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Your favorite!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Ho-ho-ho, (pausing for a rest next to the fridge) fried stuff with cheese!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Yep! And lot's of it!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Thanks sweetheart. Give me a little sugar here. (They kiss.) Okay.
    • (Joey sits down.)
    • monica
    • Monica
      Okay, in we go.
    • (Monica gets behind him and in combination with his sliding the chair forward and her pushing with her leg manages to get up to the table.)
    • joey
    • Joey
      Here we go! Here we go! Here we go! (Groans and picks up a piece of food.) How you doin'?
    • CLOSING CREDITS
    • new scene
    • Scene 15

      Central Perk, Joey is getting Phoebe some coffee.

    • joey
    • Joey
      Here you go.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      (still reading the label) Oh my God! This is a six-hour pill! (Checks her watch) That's it! I'm out of the woods! Ohh! What a relief!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Good for you!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh, it's like huge weight has been lifted! 'Cause look, (reads the side affects) no hair loss, not a rash, no hives, I'm just so happy! Because no shortness of breath, no temporary euphoria-Oh.
    • END