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  •  /  Friends  /  S04E04 The One With The Ballroom Dancing


    • new scene
    • Scene 1

      Monica and Rachel's, the gang is there eating breakfast. Chandler is cleaning out his wallet.

    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Hey! New wallet, huh?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yeah, it was time. The old condom ring in the leather just doesn't say 'cool' anymore.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Rachel!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      What?
    • monica
    • Monica
      You just put an empty carton back in the fridge!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh yeah, I know, but the garbage was full.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Have you ever taken out the trash? (Hands her the garbage.)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Well, I thought you liked doing it. (Rachel starts out the door and stops.)
    • monica
    • Monica
      Third door on the left.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Right!
    • new scene
    • Scene 2

      Garbage room: Mr. Treeger is unclogging the trash chute as Rachel enters.

    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh! Hey, Mr. Treeger.
    • Mr. Treeger:
      Hey.
    • (Rachel opens the trash chute, winces at the smell, and throws the garbage bag in. She then tries to throw the pizza box in, but since it's so big she jams it into the opening and it prevents the door from closing. She then turns around too see Mr. Treeger watching her.)
    • Mr. Treeger:
      What are you doing?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ummm. Oh! I'm sorry. (She grabs the box and offers him a piece.) It's a little old but...
    • Mr. Treeger:
      No! You're clogging up the chute that I spent a half-hour unclogging!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      I'm sorry. I didn't-I don't come in here a lot.
    • Mr. Treeger:
      Oh yeah, of course you don't!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      No.
    • Mr. Treeger:
      'Cause you're a little princess! "Daddy, buy me a pizza. Daddy, buy me a candy factory. Daddy, make the cast of Cats sing Happy Birthday to me..."
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      I didn't... I never said that.
    • Mr. Treeger:
      You think you could make a mess and the big man in coveralls will come in here and clean it up, huh? Well, why don't think of someone else for a change?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      (starting to cry) Okay, I'm sorry. (Runs out still carrying the pizza box.)
    • [Cut to Monica and Rachel's apartment as Rachel returns in tears.]
    • monica
    • Monica
      God! If you're gonna cry about it! (She grabs the box and goes to throw it out.)
    • OPENING CREDITS
    • new scene
    • Scene 3

      Monica and Rachel's, Continued from earlier, Rachel is now telling everyone of her experience in the garbage room.

    • joey
    • Joey
      Whoa-whoa, Treeger made you cry?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yes! And he said really mean things that were only partly true.
    • joey
    • Joey
      I'm gonna go down there and teach that guy a lesson.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Joey, please don't do that. I think it's best that we just forget about it.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      That's easy for you to say, you weren't almost just killed.
    • joey
    • Joey
      All right that's it, school is in session! (Exits and slams the door.)
    • monica
    • Monica
      (Picking up a card from Chandler's wallet.) My God! Is this a gym card?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh yeah, gym member. I try to go four times a week, but I've missed the last 1200 times.
    • ross
    • Ross
      So why don't you quit?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      You don't think I've tried? You think I like having 50 dollars taken out of my bank account every month? No, they make you go all the way down there! Then they use all of these phrases and peppiness to try and confuse you! Then they bring out Maria.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Who is Maria?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh Maria. You can't say no to her, she's like this lycra spandex covered gym...treat.
    • ross
    • Ross
      You need me to go down there with you and hold your hand?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      No!
    • ross
    • Ross
      So you're strong enough to face her on your own?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh no, you'll have to come.
    • new scene
    • Scene 4

      Treeger's apartment, Joey knocks on the door and Treeger opens it.

    • Mr. Treeger:
      Tribbiani! Hold on, I'll get the plunger.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey! You hold on pal! Now you made my friend, Rachel, cry. So now, you're gonna go up there and apologize to her, unless you want me to call the landlord.
    • Mr. Treeger:
      And tell him what?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Have you heard about a little something called, Not Making Girls Cry.
    • Mr. Treeger:
      Yeah. Well maybe you have heard about the Rent Stabilization Act of 1968!
    • joey
    • Joey
      I have actually not heard of that.
    • Mr. Treeger:
      Yeah, well your friends are in violation of it. I've been a nice guy up until now, but uh, I don't need this grief. I'm gonna call the landlord and tell him that Monica is illegally subletting here grandmother's apartment. Your friends are outta here pal.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Why don't you tell me something I don't know! (He storms out, and once Treeger closes the door behind him, Joey makes an 'Oops!' have.)
    • new scene
    • Scene 5

      Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier, everyone is still eating breakfast.

    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh please, somebody tell me I don't have to go to work today!
    • monica
    • Monica
      What's the matter?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh, my first massage today is this incredibly gorgeous guy, and every time I see him I just want to do things to him that I'm not allowed to charge for.
    • monica
    • Monica
      So do them for free.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh no, it is forbidden! No-no, Mrs. Potter fires people for fooling around with clients. And it's against my oath as a masseuse.
    • ross
    • Ross
      They make you take an oath?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      No, I made myself take an oath. Yeah, no fooling around with clients and umm, always be prepared. Yeah, that one's actually from the Boy Scouts, but it just makes good sense.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Why don't you just give him to somebody else?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      No, I can handle it. No, I'm a professional. (She starts to leave)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh Pheebs, is that a new ankle bracelet?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Wow! And you got a petticure. Your feet are all dressed up.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Because that's the only part of you he can see when he's on the table!
    • monica
    • Monica
      You're gonna do some feet flirtin'!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      I don't what your talking about. (Laughs nervously and continues to leaqve)
    • ross
    • Ross
      Then how do you explain the toe ring?!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Because it's Arabian princess day at work! Okay?! Leave me alone!
    • [Cut to later, Joey is returning from talking to Mr. Treeger.]
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh! My hero! What happened?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Well uh, I went down there and told him that no one treats my friends like that and that he'd better come up here and apologize. I'll see you later. (Starts to leave)
    • monica
    • Monica
      What a minute, what did he say?
    • joey
    • Joey
      He said that he wasn't gonna apologize because you guys are living here illegally, so instead what he's gonna do is have you evicted-I'll see you later.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      What?! You got us evicted!!
    • monica
    • Monica
      I told you not to go down there!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Well he made Rachel cry!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Rachel always cries!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      That's not true! (Starts to cry.)
    • monica
    • Monica
      Now Joey, you go down there and you suck up to him. I mean you suck like you've never sucked before!
    • joey
    • Joey
      All right! I'll try! But if I can't, you can stay with Chandler and I until you get settled.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Go!!
    • joey
    • Joey
      All right, all right, all right. (Starts to leave, stops, and turns around) I mean I'll have to check with him first, but I'll think he'll be cool with it. (Monica shoos him out.)
    • new scene
    • Scene 6

      Chandler's gym, He and Ross are there to cancel his membership.

    • ross
    • Ross
      Whoa-whoa-whoa, hey! Now remember what we talked about, you gotta be strong.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yes. (In a stronger voice) Yes!
    • ross
    • Ross
      One more time, "Hey, don't you want a washboard stomach and rock hard pecs?"
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      No! I want a flabby gut and saggy man breasts!
    • ross
    • Ross
      Good! That's good!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Okay. (They go inside) (To the guy at the desk) I wanna quit the gym.
    • Gym Employee
      You wanna quit?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      I wanna quit the gym.
    • Gym Employee
      You do realize that you won't have access to our new full service Swedish spa.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (He turns to Ross and Ross makes a 'Be strong' sound.) I wanna quit the gym.
    • Gym Employee
      Okay, Dave in the membership office, handles quitters. (Both Chandler and Ross start to make their way to the membership office.) Uh, excuse me, (to Ross) are you a member?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Me? No.
    • Gym Employee
      Sorry, members only.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (horrified at the prospect of trying to quit alone and unsure about himself) I wanna quit the gym.
    • ross
    • Ross
      It's okay man, be strong. (Chandler goes into the office.)
    • Gym Employee
      (to Ross) So, are you a member of any gym.
    • ross
    • Ross
      No! And I'm not gonna be, so you can save you little speech.
    • Gym Employee
      Okay, no problem. (To someone out of the picture) Could you come here for a second?
    • (This gorgeous woman in spandex walks up)
    • Woman
      Hi, I'm Maria.
    • (Ross is at a loss for words.)
    • new scene
    • Scene 7

      Heeling Hands Inc., Phoebe's work, she is giving a massage to the guy, Rick, she likes.

    • Rick
      (looking at her feet) Wow, you have really pretty feet.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      These old things.
    • Rick
      Would you mind spending some time on my siadic area, it's been killing me today.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      You mean the-Okay by siadic, you mean the towel covered portion.
    • Rick
      Yeah.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Sure, yeah, no I can do that, yeah, because umm, y'know, the muscles in the siadic area can get y'know, real (lifts up the towel) nice and tight. So umm, tell me Rick, how umm, how did you injure the area.
    • Rick
      Oh, a 16-hour sit-in for Greenpeace.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh. (She goes to work, and her head slowly drops out of view.)
    • Rick
      Ow! Did you just bite me?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      No!
    • new scene
    • Scene 8

      Mr. Treeger's apartment, Joey is there to suck up.

    • Mr. Treeger:
      What?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Please don't kick Monica and Rachel out, this wasn't there fault, it was mine.
    • Mr. Treeger:
      You want me to kick you guys out instead?
    • joey
    • Joey
      No you can't do that, where would the chick and the duck live?
    • Mr. Treeger:
      You have pets!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Noo-no-no, no, those are nicknames. I'm the chick and Chandler is the duck.
    • Mr. Treeger:
      Huh, I would've thought it was the other way around.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Come on man, just-just let the girls stay, I'll do whatever you want.
    • Mr. Treeger:
      Really? You'll do anything?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah-yeah, absolutely.
    • Mr. Treeger:
      Yeah, I've got something you can do.
    • joey
    • Joey
      What, what is it?
    • Mr. Treeger:
      Can you be my dancing partner?
    • joey
    • Joey
      That's not, prison lingo, is it?
    • COMMERCIAL BREAK
    • new scene
    • Scene 9

      Central Perk, Joey is telling Monica and Rachel what he has to do.

    • monica
    • Monica
      His dancing partner?!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah, there's this superintendent's dance, the Super Ball. I don't know, and he wants to impress Marge, this lady super that he's a crush on.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Well, why doesn't he practice with a girl?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Well, he's too shy, he doesn't think he's good enough to dance with girls yet.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah, right, he almost danced me right down that...garbage chute. (Starts to cry)
    • monica
    • Monica
      Oh, would you let it go already?! You're fine!
    • (Chandler and Ross enter)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Hey.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Hey! So, did you quit?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      No, I almost did, couldn't leave Ross there without a spotter!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Wait, now so you joined the gym?
    • (Rachel starts to laugh.)
    • ross
    • Ross
      And that's funny, why?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, umm, I was just y'know working out and umm... Oh, that's it.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      We're doomed. Okay, they're gonna take 50 bucks out of our accounts for the rest of our lives. What are we gonna do?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Well, you could actually go to the gym.
    • (Chandler and Ross both laugh)
    • ross
    • Ross
      Or! Or, we could go to the bank, close our accounts and cut them off at the source.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      You're a genius!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Aww, man, now we won't be bank buddies!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Now, there's two reasons.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      (entering) Hey.
    • Everyone
      Hey!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Ohh, you guys, remember that cute client I told you about? I bit him.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Where?!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      On the touchy.
    • ross
    • Ross
      And that's not against your oath?!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      No, I know! I-I'm sorry, but the moment I touch him, I just wanna throw out my old oath and take a new, dirty one.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Well, next time your massaging him, you should try and distract yourself.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Like-like when I'm doing something exciting and I don't wanna get too excited, I just ahh, y'know try to thing of other things like ah sandwiches, and ah baseball, and ah Chandler!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Thank you, Joey.
    • joey
    • Joey
      No-no, thank you.
    • new scene
    • Scene 10

      Treeger's apartment, Joey knocks and Mr. Treeger opens the door.

    • joey
    • Joey
      All right, I'm here, let's ahh, get this over with.
    • Mr. Treeger:
      Okay ahh, well, just ahh, follow my lead. (Turns on some music)
    • joey
    • Joey
      Whoa-whoa, don't we need to do some kinda preparation first? Like ahh, get really drunk?
    • Mr. Treeger:
      Look come on, eh, just ah, just ah, put your arms around me, eh.
    • (Joey does so, and they both start dancing. Treeger tries to spin Joey, but ends up throwing him into the door.)
    • Mr. Treeger:
      Ahhhh! I'm sorry!
    • joey
    • Joey
      No, it's okay, but if I'm Marge, my breasts are coming out my back.
    • Mr. Treeger:
      Ahh, forget it! I'll never be any good at this, my mom was right, I'm just a big potato with arms, and legs, and a head.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Come on man, you're not a potato.
    • Mr. Treeger:
      I'm sure as hell a dancer, it's no use Marge will never go for me.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Come on Treeger, don't say that. You just ahh, you just need more practice. Here, come on, let's ahh, let's try it again. Come on. (they start dancing again) Plus, it was, it was probably mostly my fault, anyway. I mean, y'know, I'm not really that comfortable dancing with a-(Treeger throws him) We-he!! Hey!
    • Mr. Treeger:
      Yeah!
    • new scene
    • Scene 11

      Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Monica are sitting at the table as Joey enters.

    • monica
    • Monica
      Hey-hey, how goes the dancing? Gay yet?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Ah-ha-ha, you guys owe me big time. (He walks into the kitchen and does a little dance step on the way.)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      (laughing) What was that?
    • joey
    • Joey
      What?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      You just did a little dancy thing.
    • joey
    • Joey
      No I didn't.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Yes you did! You did like a little hop.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      You are soo enjoying this.
    • joey
    • Joey
      No, I'm not! And it wasn't a hop it was a pademarie.
    • monica
    • Monica
      (laughing harder) You know the words! You are so into this!
    • joey
    • Joey
      All right, well maybe I'm enjoying it a little bit. I mean I'm getting pretty good at it.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ooh, this is soo sweet, Joey our little twinkle-toes.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey-hey, hold on, this isn't some kind of like girly dance. All right, it's like a sport, it's manly!
    • monica
    • Monica
      All right, then show me some manly moves.
    • joey
    • Joey
      All right.
    • (They both get up and Monica expects Joey to take the lead, but he doesn't, and they fumble around for a little bit.)
    • joey
    • Joey
      I don't know how to lead.
    • new scene
    • Scene 12

      Ross and Chandler's bank, they are there to close their accounts.

    • ross
    • Ross
      Hello.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Hi.
    • ross
    • Ross
      We'd like to close our accounts.
    • Bank Officer
      Close your accounts? Is there some kind of problem?
    • ross
    • Ross
      No-no.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      No, we'd just like to close them.
    • Bank Officer
      Okay, Ms. Lambert handles all our closures. (to a beautiful woman) Would you come over here please?
    • Ms. Lambert
      Hi, I'm Karen.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      I wanna quit the bank!
    • new scene
    • Scene 13

      Healing Hands, Inc., Phoebe is giving Rick a massage.

    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      (thinking to herself) Okay, baseball. Rick, playing baseball. Okay, slides into second, maybe even his pants come down a little... Oh no-wait no, no! No! Okay, all right, sandwiches, sandwiches. Umm, okay, on a plate, maybe Rick's pants come down a little. No! No! Okay, Chandler! Okay Chandler, ooh, that's working.
    • (The camera zooms in on the clock on the wall and it reads a quarter after one. Time lapse. The clock now reads 3:30, and Phoebe is still giving Rick his massage.)
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      (thinking to herself) Chandler's knees. Chandler's... ankles. Chandler's ankle hair. (notices the clock) Oh no. (to Rick) Okay, you're all set.
    • Rick
      Oh wow! That was amazing, was that really just an hour?!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Yeah! In... really long hour world.
    • Rick
      What?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Ugh, okay, I have an enormous crush on you. But because you're a client, I can't ask you out, even though you give me y'know, the feeling.
    • Rick
      Wow! I had no idea! But you know, I could always find another masseuse.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Really?!
    • Rick
      Yeah, really.
    • (They start to kiss, then Rick stops suddenly.)
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      What?
    • Rick
      Suddenly, I very aware that I'm naked.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      (laughs) Okay, quit down. (they start to kiss again)
    • (Suddenly, Phoebe's boss, Mrs. Potter, and a client, Mr. Simon, enters.)
    • Mrs. Potter
      Mr. Simon's been waiting for-(sees Phoebe and Rick) Oh my God!
    • Mr. Simon
      Why wasn't I offered that? I'd definitely pay more for that.
    • Mrs. Potter
      Phoebe, we have rules here, this isn't that kind of place.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh yeah, oh and I know, but this isn't what it looks like, 'cause Rick is my ahh, husband.
    • Mrs. Potter
      Oh really? Well, then you'd better tell his other wife, 'cause she called three times asking where he is.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Yes, I will tell her.
    • new scene
    • Scene 14

      Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Ross are telling Joey, Rachel, and Monica of their bank woes.

    • monica
    • Monica
      So you didn't leave the bank?
    • ross
    • Ross
      No! And somehow, we ended up with a joint checking account.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      What are you ever gonna use that for?!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      To pay for the gym.
    • (Phoebe enters)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Hey.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Hey! So I had a great day, Rick and I really hit it off, and we started making out, and then my boss walked in and fired me for being a whore.
    • joey
    • Joey
      What?!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      You got fired?!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Oh my Gosh!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      It's so weird, I have never been fired from anything before!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Sweety...
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      I just-I just started walking around not knowing what to do next, y'know? I-I started asking people on the street if they wanted massages. Then these policemen, thought I was a whore too. It's been a really bad day, whore wise.
    • (There's a knock on the door and Chandler answers it.)
    • Mr. Treeger:
      Hey Duck, is Chick here?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yeah... Bunny-rabbit.
    • joey
    • Joey
      (To Mr. Treeger) So you ah, ready for our last practice?
    • Mr. Treeger:
      Yeah, but y'know, I think the reason we're not getting that spin right is because my apartment's too small.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Look, you wanna use our place?
    • Mr. Treeger:
      No, I ahh, had another idea.
    • [Cut to the roof, where Joey and Mr. Treeger are dancing happily to ^Night and Day^.]
    • joey
    • Joey
      We did it!!
    • Mr. Treeger:
      I know, we did it!! Hey, that was incredible, huh?!
    • joey
    • Joey
      I know, it was amazing! I mean, we totally nailed it, it was beautiful.
    • Mr. Treeger:
      Thank you, listen, thanks a lot Tribbiani, (checks watch). Oh my God, look at the time, I gotta catch the bus to the ball.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Oh well, okay, good luck.
    • Mr. Treeger:
      Yeah.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Unless you wanna practice the Foxtrot again? Or-or the Tango?
    • Mr. Treeger:
      Ahh, thanks but no. You see I-I think I'm ready to dance with girls.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Okay.
    • Mr. Treeger:
      Yeah.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Go get 'em Treeger.
    • Mr. Treeger:
      Right. (Starts to leave) Hey, ahh, you wanna come? Marge has a girlfriend.
    • joey
    • Joey
      (intrigued) Really?
    • Mr. Treeger:
      Yeah, you could dance real good with her, she's the same size as me.
    • joey
    • Joey
      No, I'm good.
    • (Treeger leaves, and Joey's dances off.)
    • CLOSING CREDITS
    • new scene
    • Scene 15

      Lara and Jeni's Massage, Phoebe is interviewing for a job.

    • Interviewer
      So it looks like you've got some great experience here. Let's see ahh, reason for leaving last job?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Yeah, they thought I was a whore.
    • Interviewer
      Okay, we'll give a call if anything comes up.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Great! Thank you very much.
    • (The interviewer watches her leave with an 'Oh my goodness' face.)
    • END