S13 • '18 Pages. Front and Back!' ('WE WERE ON A BREAK!')

S04E01

The One With The Jellyfish

Ross decides between Rachel and Bonnie. Joey, Chandler, and Monica face a jellyfish incident at the beach.

14 Scenes243 Lines

Scene 1:Joey lying on a beach towel, recapping what happened in the last episode

12 lines

joey

Joey

Okay, so we went to the beach, because Phoebe found out about this lady who knew her mom and dad, and I don't really know what happened with that.

[cut to Phoebe Sr.'s house, from the last episode]

phoebe

Phoebe

(to Phoebe) I'm your mother.

phoebe

Phoebe

Ehh?

[cut to Monica opening the door of the beach house, with Chandler trying to pick her up for a date.]

joey

Joey

(voice-over) Oh, and then Monica joked that she wouldn't go out with a guy like Chandler...

chandler

Chandler

(to Monica) (in a funny voice) Hi there. (Monica turns her head away in disgust)

joey

Joey

(voice-over) ...and he couldn't let it go, and... I don't really know what happened with that either.

[cut to a montage of scenes involving Bonnie, Ross, and Rachel from the last episode.]

joey

Joey

(voice-over) Oh-oh! And then Ross's new girlfriend, Bonnie, shows up and Rachel convinced her to save her head. And then Ross and Rachel kiss, and now Ross has to choose between Rachel and the bald girl and I don't know what happened there either...

[cut back to Joey on the beach towel]

joey

Joey

Y'know what, hold on, let me go get Chandler. (gets up and leaves.)

Scene 2:The beach house, it's the same scene from the end of last year, with Ross in front of the two doors of Rachel's and Bonnie's rooms, trying to decide which door to choose. He finally chooses the one his right and goes in.

26 lines

ross

Ross

(surprised) Hi!

rachel

Rachel

Hi!

Bonnie

Rachel was just helping me out. My head got all sunburned.

ross

Ross

Awww.

Bonnie

(to Rachel) Thanks a million.

rachel

Rachel

Oh, you're welcome a million.

Bonnie

(getting up and leaving) (to Ross) Okay, I'll see you in our room.

ross

Ross

Yeah. (closes the door, and goes over and kisses Rachel.)

rachel

Rachel

(softly) Oh my God.

ross

Ross

I know.

They both kiss again and fall onto the bed.

ross

Ross

(stopping suddenly and getting up) Okay, I gotta go.

rachel

Rachel

Whoa! What?! Why?!

ross

Ross

Well, I-I gotta go break up with Bonnie.

rachel

Rachel

Here?! Now?!

ross

Ross

Well, yeah. I can't-I can't stay here all night, and if I go in there she's-she's gonna wanna... do stuff.

rachel

Rachel

Well, can't you tell her that you are not in the mood?

ross

Ross

No, she likes that. Yeah. Faking sleep doesn't work either, I can't tell you how many mornings I woke up with her...

rachel

Rachel

(interrupting) Whoa-ho.

ross

Ross

Whoa-oh, okay! Yeah, why am I telling you that?

rachel

Rachel

I don't know.

they kiss again

ross

Ross

Yeah, yeah. (opens the door) It wasn't every morning.

rachel

Rachel

Oh, making it worse!

ross

Ross

Okay.

OPENING CREDITS

Scene 3:Phoebe Sr.'s house, it's right after she told Phoebe that she's her birth mother.

16 lines

phoebe

Phoebe

So I guess you'd like to know how it all happened.

phoebe

Phoebe

I-I mean I, well I think I can figure it out. I guess y'know I was born, and everyone started lying their asses off!

phoebe

Phoebe

Noo! No! It wasn't like that I... Remember how I told you how Lily, Frank, and I we were, we were close. Well, we were, we were very close.

phoebe

Phoebe

How close?

phoebe

Phoebe

Well, the-the three of us we were, kind of umm, a couple.

phoebe

Phoebe

I don't even know how that would work!

phoebe

Phoebe

Well, we were...

phoebe

Phoebe

(interrupting) I'm not asking!

phoebe

Phoebe

Well, any how, some how I got pregnant, and, and I was scared. I was stupid and sellfish, and I was 18 years old. I mean, you remember what it's like to be eighteen years old?

phoebe

Phoebe

Yeah. Let's see, my had Mom killed herself, and my Dad had run off, and I was living in a Gremlin with a guy named Cindy who talked to his hand.

phoebe

Phoebe

Well, I'm so sorry. I thought I was leaving you with the best parents in the world, I didn't even hear about your Mom and Dad til a couple of years ago, and by then you were already grown up. I don't know, you're here, and I would, I would really, I would like to get to know you.

phoebe

Phoebe

Yeah, well, everybody does! I'm a really cool person. And y'know you had 29 years to find that out, but you didn't even try! Y'know what, you walked out on me, and I'm just, I'm gonna do the same thing to you.

phoebe

Phoebe

Wait!

phoebe

Phoebe

I don't ever want to see you again!

She walks out and slams the door.

phoebe

Phoebe

(walking back in with her hand over her eyes.) Umm, where's my purse?

Scene 4:The beach house, Joey and Chandler are sitting at the dinner table, Monica is looking in the fridge.

14 lines

monica

Monica

(closing the fridge in disgust) Shoot! We're out of soda.

chandler

Chandler

(jumping up) Oh, I'll go out and get you some.

monica

Monica

Really?!

chandler

Chandler

Nope! Because I'm not your boyfriend. (to Phoebe, who's entering) Hey Pheebs, how did it go?

phoebe

Phoebe

Well, umm, my Mom's friend, Phoebe, is actually my birth Mom.

The gang is shocked.

chandler

Chandler

I found a dried up seashores.

monica

Monica

Sweety, what are you talking about?

phoebe

Phoebe

Oh, my new Mom, who-who's a big, fat abandoner! (starts to go upstairs)

joey

Joey

Whoa, wait, Pheebs, wait a second! Don't you wanna stay here and talk about it?

phoebe

Phoebe

No. I'm just, I wanna, I need to be alone.

She starts to go upstairs.

phoebe

Phoebe

(turning around, insistently) Monica!

monica

Monica

Oh.

Scene 5:The beach house, Rachel's bedroom. She is finishing up writing something as Ross walks through the door.

10 lines

ross

Ross

It's over.

rachel

Rachel

Oh, was it awful?

ross

Ross

Well, it was loong. I didn't even realise how late it was, until I noticed the 5 o'clock shadow on her head. (They both start to laugh, then stop themselves quickly.) Anyway, she didn't want to stay. I called a cab; she just left.

They kiss.

rachel

Rachel

I wrote you a letter.

ross

Ross

Ohh! Thank you! I like mail. (He goes to kiss her again, but she turns away.)

rachel

Rachel

(handing him the letter) It's just some things I've been thinking about. Some things about us, and before we can even think about the two of us getting back together, I just need to know how you feel about this stuff.

ross

Ross

Okay. (He leans in to kiss her again, but she leans back preventing him from making contact.) Wow, it's-it's 5:30 in the morning. (Rachel laughs) So, I'd better get cracking on this baby.

rachel

Rachel

Well, I'll be waiting for you, just come up when you're done.

ross

Ross

Okay, I'll be up in, (looks at the letter) 18 pages. Front and back. Very exciting.

Scene 6:The beach house, the next morning. Ross is passed out on the kitchen counter. He wakes up with a start and has one of the pages of the letter stuck to his face.

15 lines

ross

Ross

Oh. (looks at his watch) Oh-oh. (takes a drink of coffee and resumes reading the letter)

rachel

Rachel

(coming down the stairs) Hey! (Ross jumps up, and quickly puts the letter back together, pretending like he has just finished it.) What happened to you? Why didn't you come up?

ross

Ross

Done!

rachel

Rachel

You just finished?

ross

Ross

Well, I wanted to be thorough. I mean this-this is clearly very, very important to you, to us! And so I wanted to read every word carefully, twice!

rachel

Rachel

So umm, does it?

ross

Ross

I'm sorry.

rachel

Rachel

Does it?

ross

Ross

Does it? Does it? Yeah, I wanted to give that whole 'Does it?' part just another glance.

rachel

Rachel

What are you talking about, Ross, you just said that you read it twice! Look, y'know what, either it does or it doesn't, and if you have to even think about it...

ross

Ross

(interrupting) No, Rach, no. I don't, I don't, I don't have to think about it, in fact, I've decided, I've decided that, that it.......does.

Rachel stands there for a moment, starting to cry. Then gasps and runs over and hugs him. While hugging her, Ross tries to find the 'Does it?' part in the letter.

rachel

Rachel

Are you sure?

ross

Ross

Oh, sure! I'm sure.

rachel

Rachel

I know. (Hugs him more violently this time and pushes him back away from the letter.)

Scene 7:The beach. Chandler and Monica are out getting some sun.

23 lines

chandler

Chandler

All right, there's a nuclear holocaust, I'm the last man on Earth. Would you go out with me?

monica

Monica

Ennnh.

chandler

Chandler

I've got canned goods.

joey

Joey

(jumping up in a hole that he is digging, he is shoulder deep) Hey, you guys! Take a look at this! (Chandler and Monica jump up and go over to the hole.) Check this baby out, dug me a hole!

chandler

Chandler

Excellent hole, Joe.

A wave crashes on the beach and partially fills up his hole.

joey

Joey

Oh no! No!! My hole!!

monica

Monica

(screaming in pain) Ow!! Ow!!!

joey

Joey

(climbing out of the hole) What?! What?!! What is it?!

monica

Monica

Jellyfish sting! Oh, it hurts! It hurts!! It hurts!!

chandler

Chandler

Well, can we help?! You want us to take you back to the house?!

monica

Monica

It's like two miles!

joey

Joey

Yeah, and I'm a little tired from digging the hole.

monica

Monica

Oh damn the jellyfish. Damn all the jellyfish!

chandler

Chandler

We've got to do something!

joey

Joey

Well, there's really only one thing you can do.

monica

Monica

What?! What is it?!

joey

Joey

You're gonna have to pee on it.

monica

Monica

What?!! Gross!!

joey

Joey

Don't blame me, I saw it on The Discovery Channel.

chandler

Chandler

Y'know what, he's right. There's something like uh, ammonia in that, that like kills the pain.

monica

Monica

Well forget it! It doesn't hurt that (tries to take a step) baaad!!!!

joey

Joey

If you want some privacy you can use my hole.

Scene 8:The beach house, Phoebe is coming down the stairs all packed and ready to go.

15 lines

phoebe

Phoebe

Well, I'm ready to get the hell out of here! (Sees Ross and Rachel cuddling on the couch.) Oh. Are you? Are you?!! (they nod 'Yes.') Ohh! That's so great!! Ooh, not for Bonnie. (they nod 'No.') But for you, yay! Ohh.

The rest of the gang arrives with their heads down in shame.

ross

Ross

Hey!

rachel

Rachel

How was the beach?

monica

Monica

Nothing, I don't know.

ross

Ross

What happened?

monica

Monica

Nothing. I'm gonna take a shower.

chandler

Chandler

Me too!!

joey

Joey

Me too.

phoebe

Phoebe

Okay, I'm gonna put this (her suitcase) in the car.

rachel

Rachel

Ooh, I have to go pack. (Gets up to do so.) It really does?

ross

Ross

It does. It really and truly does.

Rachel kisses him, and goes upstairs. After she's gone, Ross frantically tries to find and read the 'Does it?' part.

ross

Ross

(finding the part) (looks up in disgust) It so does not!!!

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Scene 9:Central Perk, Ross is telling Joey and Chandler about the letter.

10 lines

ross

Ross

She wants me to take responsibility for everything that went wrong in our relationship. I mean she goes on for five pages about, about how I was unfaithful to her! (Both Joey and Chandler shrug their shoulders as to say "Well...") (yelling) WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!!!

chandler

Chandler

Oh my God! If you say that one more time, I'm gonna break up with you!

ross

Ross

Fine! Fine! But this break-up was not all my fault, and she, she says here, (reading from the letter) "If you accept full responsibility..." (to Chandler and Joey) Full responsibility! "...I can begin to trust you again. Does that seem like something you can do. (yells at Joey) Does it?!!"

joey

Joey

No?

chandler

Chandler

Look, Ross, you have what you want, you're back with Rachel. If you bring this up now you're gonna wreck the best thing that even happened to you.

ross

Ross

(calming down) Yeah, I know. I mean, no, you're right. Yeah I guess I'll let it go. But you-you understand how-how hard it is to forget about this.

joey

Joey

Sure, it's hard to forget! But that doesn't mean you have to talk about it! A lot of things happened on that trip that we should never, (to Chandler) ever talk about.

ross

Ross

What the hell happened on that beach?!

joey

Joey

It's between us and the sea, Ross!

Ross laughs and has a 'Come on...' look on his face as he looks and Chandler who nods his head in agreement with Joey. Ross is stunned.

Scene 10:A hallway in an apartment building. Phoebe is knocks on a door and it opens.

16 lines

phoebe

Phoebe

(to the person that answered the door) Hi, Ursula.

Ursula

Hey!

phoebe

Phoebe

Okay, well umm, I know that we haven't talked in a long time, but umm okay, our Mom is not our birth Mom. This-this other lady is our birth Mom.

Ursula

Right, okay, the one that lives in Montuak, umm-hmm.

phoebe

Phoebe

(shocked) You know her?!

Ursula

No, I umm, I read about her in Mom's suicide note.

phoebe

Phoebe

There-there was a suicide note?! (Ursula nods 'Yes.') Well, do you still have it?

Ursula

(disgusted) Hang on. (She goes into her apartment and slams the door in Phoebe's face.)

phoebe

Phoebe

I can't believe you didn't tell me there was a suicide note!

Ursula

Yeah. So how have you been doing?

phoebe

Phoebe

I, umm, shut up!

Ursula opens the door and hands her the note.

phoebe

Phoebe

(reading from the note) "Good-bye Phoebe and Ursula. I'll miss you. P.S. Your Mom lives in Montauk." You just wrote this!

Ursula

Well, it's pretty much the gist. Well, except for the poem. You read the poem, right?

phoebe

Phoebe

Noooo!!

Ursula

All right, hang on! (She takes the note, goes back into her apartment and slams the door shut.)

Scene 11:Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Monica, and Joey are sitting at the table eating dinner and not talking. Ross and Rachel are outside cuddling on the balcony.

31 lines

monica

Monica

Pass the cheese, please.

Joey hands her the cheese without looking at her.

monica

Monica

My God, you can't even look at me! Can you?

joey

Joey

Nope.

Phoebe enters.

chandler

Chandler

(jumping up) Hey! Phoebe! We can talk to Phoebe!!

phoebe

Phoebe

No. I'm-I'm to depressed to talk.

chandler

Chandler

I'll give you a thousand dollars to talk to us.

ross

Ross

(coming back in with Rachel) Hey, you guys! What do you, what do you think about making that beach trip an annual thing?

chandler

monica

joey

Chandler, Monica & Joey

NO!!!

rachel

Rachel

All right, that's it, you guys! What happened out there?

monica

Monica

What? We took a walk, nothing happened. I can back with nothing all over me.

ross

rachel

Ross & Rachel

Come on!

ross

Ross

What happened? Joey?

joey

Joey

All right. (gets up)

monica

Monica

(stopping him) No! Joey, we swore we'd never tell!

chandler

Chandler

(running over and joining Monica) They'll never understand!

joey

Joey

Well, we have to say something! We have to get it out! It's eating me alive!! Monica got stung by a jellyfish.

monica

Monica

(interrupting) All right!! All right. (walks slowly into the living room) I got stung. Stung bad. I couldn't stand. I-I couldn't walk.

chandler

Chandler

(following Monica) We were two miles from the house. Scared and alone. We didn't think we could make it. (He goes to put his hands on Monica's shoulders but for some reason can quite complete the action and pulls back.)

monica

Monica

I was in too much pain.

joey

Joey

And I was tired from digging the huge hole!

chandler

Chandler

And then Joey remembered something.

joey

Joey

I'd seen this thing on The Discovery Channel...

ross

Ross

Wait a minute! I saw that! On The Discovery Channel, yeah! About jellyfish and how if you... (stops suddenly and turns to look at Monica) Ewwww!! You peed on yourself?!

phoebe

rachel

Phoebe & Rachel

Ewwww!!

monica

Monica

You can't say that!! You-you don't know!! I mean I thought I was gonna pass out from the pain! Anyway I-I tried, but I-I couldn't...bend that way. So... (looks at Joey.)

phoebe

ross

rachel

Phoebe, Ross & Rachel

(turning to look at Joey) Ewwww!!

joey

Joey

That's right I stepped up! She's my friend and she needed help! And if I had too, I'd pee on anyone of you! Only, uhh, I couldn't. I got the stage fright. I wanted to help, but there was too much pressure. So-so I uh, I turned to Chandler.

chandler

Chandler

(wails loudly into his hands) Joey kept screaming at me, "Do it now! Do it!! Do it! Do it now!!" Sometimes late at night I can still here the screaming.

joey

Joey

(laughs) That's 'cause sometimes I just do it through my wall to freak you out.

Scene 12:Central Perk, Phoebe is finishing up a song.

21 lines

phoebe

Phoebe

(singing) "...fuchsia and mauvvve. Those are the 66 colours of my bedroommmm." (applause) Thank you, thank you. Ohh, and I invite you to count the colours in your bedroom. (Sees that Phoebe Sr. has entered, and to her) Except for you. You go away.

phoebe

Phoebe

I'll go in a second, I-I just wanted to tell you that there hasn't been a day where I didn't regret giving you up.

phoebe

Phoebe

Okay, bye.

phoebe

Phoebe

No, I'm not done. I-I-I just want you to know that I, the reason I didn't look you up was, well I was afraid that you'd react, just well like, the way, the way you're reacting right now, and can't we just, y'know, start from here?

phoebe

Phoebe

No.

phoebe

Phoebe

Sorry. But just one last thing. Y'know you came looking for family. I'm family, I'm it. Now, now I'm done. (starts to leave)

phoebe

Phoebe

But, it's not like we're losing anything. Y'know?

phoebe

Phoebe

Yeah, I guess you're right.

phoebe

Phoebe

It's not like we-we know each other or anything. Or that have anything in common.

phoebe

Phoebe

Well, I don't know. I mean it's not like we don't have anything in common. I mean I like uh, pizza.

phoebe

Phoebe

I-I like pizza!

phoebe

Phoebe

You do?! Wait, I like umm, the Beetles.

phoebe

Phoebe

Oh my God, so do I!

phoebe

Phoebe

I knew it, wow!!

phoebe

Phoebe

Wait-wait-wait, wait! Puppies. Cute or ugly?

phoebe

Phoebe

Ohh, so cute.

phoebe

Phoebe

Uh-huh, well! But umm, still I'm-I'm mad at you.

phoebe

Phoebe

I know. I'm mad at me too.

phoebe

Phoebe

Well umm, do you wanna get something to eat? I'm kinda hungry.

phoebe

Phoebe

Hey! Me too!

phoebe

Phoebe

All right, stop it. Now you're just doing it to freak me out.

Scene 13:'18 Pages. Front and Back!' ('WE WERE ON A BREAK!')

Rachel's bedroom. Ross and Rachel have just finished consummating the new relationship.28 lines

Rachel's bedroom. Ross and Rachel have just finished consummating the new relationship.

Fragile reconciliation vs eighteen pages of conditionsCross-Episode CallbackRunning GagComedic Escalation

This scene transforms 'We were on a break!' from a dramatic Season 3 breakup dispute into Ross's signature comedic catchphrase for the rest of the series.

The camera cuts outside the bedroom door to Monica scrubbing the kitchen floor right as Ross's muffled roar ('WE WERE ON A BREAK!') shakes the apartment.
Ross and Rachel storm into the living room mid-argument, trapping Monica, Chandler, and Joey behind the kitchen counter and then behind the front door.

rachel

Rachel

Oh-hooo, I missed you.

ross

Ross

I missed you too.

rachel

Rachel

Ooh, I was soo nervous about that letter. But the way you owned up to everything, it just showed me how much you've grown. Y'know?

ross

Ross

(getting miffed) I suppose.

rachel

Rachel

You have! Ross, you should give yourself credit. I mean my Mom never thought this would work out. It was all, "Once a cheater, always a cheater."

ross

Ross

(getting angry) Umm-hmm.

rachel

Rachel

Ooh, I just wish we hadn't lost those four months, but if time was what you needed just to gain a little perspective...

[cut to Monica cleaning the floor in the kitchen]

ross

Ross

[Breakdown]

(yelling from the bedroom) WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!!!!!

callbackThe Catchphrase Detonation

After trying to swallow Rachel's conditions for four lines, Ross detonates off-screen from inside the bedroom, turning the Season 3 breakup into a permanent catchphrase.

→Back to the origin of the break in S03E15 (#S7L24)

chandler

Chandler

(entering with Joey) (to Monica) Coffee house?

monica

Monica

You bet.

[cut back to Rachel's bedroom with both of them hurriedly getting dressed]

ross

Ross

And for the record, it took two people to break up this relationship!!

rachel

Rachel

Yeah! You and that girl from that copy place, which yesterday you took full responsibility for!!

ross

Ross

I didn't know what I was taking full responsibility for! Okay?! I didn't finish the whole letter!

rachel

Rachel

What?!!

ross

Ross

I fell asleep!

rachel

Rachel

You fell asleep?!

ross

Ross

[Breakdown]

It was 5:30 in the morning, and you had rambled on for 18 pages. Front and back!! (they go into the living room, trapping Monica, Chandler, and Joey in the kitchen) (to Rachel) Oh-oh-oh, and by the way, Y-O-U-apostrophe-R-E means 'you are,' Y-O-U-R means 'your!'

escalation'18 Pages. Front and Back!!'

Cornered on falling asleep before finishing Rachel's letter, Ross pivots to attacking the page count ('18 pages. Front and back!!') and her apostrophe usage.

→See the series finale callback in S10E17-S10E18 (#S24L22)

rachel

Rachel

Y'know I can't believe I even thought about getting back together again! We are so over!!

ross

Ross

(starts to cry) FINE BY ME!! (he opens the door and traps Chandler behind it)

rachel

Rachel

Oh, oh, and hey-hey-hey, those little spelling tips will come in handy when you're at home on Saturday nights playing Scrabble with Monica!!

monica

Monica

Hey!!

rachel

Rachel

(to Monica) Sorry!! (to Ross) I just feel bad about all that sleep you're gonna miss wishing you were with me!

ross

Ross

Oh, no-no-no don't you worry about me falling asleep. I still have your letter!!!

rachel

Rachel

And hey! Just so you know, it's not that common! It doesn't happen to every guy! And it is a big deal!!

chandler

Chandler

I KNEW IT!!!!

CLOSING CREDITS

Scene 14:Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Monica are playing cards at the dinner table.

6 lines

monica

Monica

(sets down some cards) Gin.

chandler

Chandler

We were playing Gin? Y'know if we were a couple, we could play this game naked.

monica

Monica

Will you stop!

chandler

Chandler

Okay. All right.

monica

Monica

Okay, all right, I think you're great, I think you're sweet, and you're smart, and I love you. But you will always be the guy who peed on me.

END

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