The One With The Worst Best Man Ever | S04E22

/ Friends / S04E22 The One With The Worst Best Man Ever

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Scene 1

Central Perk, the gang is there, Phoebe is returning from the bathroom.

Phoebe

(angrily) That's like the tenth time I've peed since I've been here!

Monica

That's also like the tenth time you told us.

Phoebe

Yeah, oh I'm sorry, it must be really hard to hear! I tell ya, it's a lot easier having three babies play Bringing in the Noise, Bringing in da Funk on your bladder! I'm so sick of being pregnant! The only happiness I get is from a cup of coffee, which of course is decaf, 'cause-Oh! I'm pregnant!

Ross

Pheebs, did...you want a cookie?

Phoebe

(starting to cry) Thank you so much.

Rachel

So uh, Pheebs, honey, how are those mood swings coming?

Phoebe

I haven't really had any yet.

(Monica, Joey, and Chandler all shake their heads.)

OPENING CREDITS

Scene 2

Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler are there as Ross enters.

Ross

Hey guys!

Chandler

Hey.

Joey

Hey!

Ross

All right, here's the ring. (Shows Chandler the wedding ring he plans on giving Emily)

Chandler

(shocked) Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!

Ross

So uh, any ideas for the bachelor party yet?

Joey

Whoa-whoa-whoa! Before you start handing out wedding rings and planning bachelor parties, don't you have to decide who your best man is gonna be?

Chandler

Oh, it's awkward. It's awkward. It's awkward.

Ross

I sort've already asked Chandler.

Joey

What?! He got to do it at your first wedding!

Ross

Joey, I figured you'd understand. I mean, I-I've known him a lot longer.

Joey

Come on Ross! Look, I-I don't have any brothers; I'll never get to be a best man!

Chandler

You can be the best man when I get married.

Joey

(pause) I'll never get to be a best man!

Ross

(to Chandler) Wait-wait, so, you get to be my best man twice and I never get to be yours at all?

Chandler

Oh no-no-no, you-yeah, of course you get to be my best man.

Joey

(impatiently tapping Chandler on the shoulder) What about me?! You-you just said I could!

Chandler

I'm not even getting married! Okay, this is a question for science fiction writers!

Joey

I can't believe you're not picking me.

Ross

Hey, how can it not be me?!HeyHey!

Chandler

I'm not even... I'm not even...

Ross

Fine, y'know what, that's it. From now on, Joey, I want you to be my best man.

Joey

Yes! (to Chandler) Shame about you man.

Scene 3

Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe are eating breakfast.

Phoebe

(to her babies) Stop it!

Monica

What?

Phoebe

One of the babies is kicking.

Monica

I thought that was a good thing.

Phoebe

It's not kicking me, it's kicking one of the other babies. Oh (looks down her dress)! Don't make me come in there!

Joey

(entering) Hey!

Monica

Hey!

Joey

Do you guys have like a big bowl I can borrow?

Monica

Yeah, there's one right under the cabinet.

Joey

(grabs it) Thanks.

Monica

Why do you need it?

Joey

Oh, we're having a big party tomorrow night. Later! (Starts for the door.)

Rachel

Whoa! Hey-hey, you planning on inviting us?

Joey

Nooo, later. (Walks out the door.)

Phoebe

Hey!! Get your ass back here, Tribbiani!! (Joey walks back in, scared.)

Rachel

Hormones!

Monica

What Phoebe meant to say was umm, how come you're having a party and we're not invited?

Joey

Oh, it's Ross's bachelor party.

Monica

Sooo?

Joey

Are you bachelors?

Monica

Nooo!

Joey

Are you strippers?

Rachel

Nooo!

Joey

Then you're not invited. (Starts for the door again.)

Rachel

All right fine! You're not invited to the party we're gonna have either.

Joey

Oh-whoa, what party?

Rachel

Well umm...

Monica

The baby shower for Phoebe!

Joey

Baby shower. Wow! That sounds sooo like something I don't want to do! Later! (Finally, he makes his exit.)

Phoebe

I can't believe I'm gonna have a party! This is so great! (Really excited) A party! (Really, really excited) Yay!! (Suddenly, she starts crying and Rachel moves to comfort her.) I don't know why.

Scene 4

Central Perk, Joey and Ross are talking over party plans.

Joey

This is what I've got going for the party so far, liquor wise. Get a lot of liquor.

Ross

Great. Great.

Joey

Okay, now uh, in terms of the invite list, I've got you, me, and Chandler and I'm gonna invite Gunther 'cause, well, we've been talking about this pretty loud.

Gunther

I'll be there.

Joey

All right-oh! Listen, I know this is your party, but I'd really like to the number of museum geeks that are gonna be there.

Ross

Yeah. Tell ya what, let's not invite any of the anthropologists, only the dinosaur dudes!

Joey

Okay! We'll need a six-pack of Zima.

Chandler

(entering) Hey guys, what are you doing?

Ross

Oh, just planning my bachelor party with my best man.

Chandler

Yeah, well, good luck trying to top the last one.

Ross

Yeah, see, I don't think it's gonna that difficult considering this one won't be taking place in the basement of a Pizza Hut.

Chandler

Oh, I'm Ross. I'm Ross. I'm too good for the Hut; I'm too good for the Hut.

Ross

Look, I gotta go pick up Ben. Everything so far sounds great Joey, just remember to keep it on the mellow side, okay? Just a couple of guys hanging out playing poker, no-no strippers or anything okay?

Joey

You got it.

Ross

Okay, see ya later.

Chandler

See ya. (Ross exits, and Chandler moves over next to Joey, laughing.) Have fun planning your mellow bachelor party.

Joey

Well, there's gonna be strippers there. He didn't say anything about no strippers.

Chandler

He just said, "No strippers."

Joey

Oh, I chose not to hear that.

Scene 5

Monica and Rachel's, Monica is returning from shopping and Rachel is there.

Monica

Look what I got! Look what I got! Look what I got! (She shows Rachel what she bought. She bought a little leather jacket and a little cowboy outfit for the babies.) Can you believe they make these for little people?

Rachel

Little village people.

Monica

Okay, look at this one. This is my favourite. (It's a little pink and white dress for the girl baby.)

Rachel

Oh, that is so sweet!

Monica

I know! Phoebe is gonna love dressing them in these!

Rachel

Huh. Except, Phoebe's not gonna be the one that gets to dress them.

Monica

Because she's not gonna get to keep the babies.

Rachel

Oh my God! We are throwing the most depressing baby shower ever!

Monica

Wait a minute! Unless, we give her all gifts she can use after she's done being pregnant. Like-like umm, regular coffee, Tequila.

Rachel

Oh, and somebody can get those leather pants she's always wanted!

Monica

Oh, she's gonna love that!

Scene 6

Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe's baby shower, she is holding those leather pants, and isn't happy about it.

Phoebe

What the hell is this?! What, did you actually thought it would make me feel better to give me stuff that I can't use for another two months?! This sucks! All right, what's my next present?!

Everyone

I don't have anything. (All of the rest of the women there hide their gifts behind their backs.)

Scene 7

Chandler and Joey's, Ross's bachelor party. Ross is thanking Joey for the party.

Ross

Hey listen man, about the stripper...

Joey

Yeah?

Ross

Good call!

Chandler

(banging a spoon against his beer bottle) Okay, a little announcement, a little announcement. I've decided that my best man is, my best friend Gunther!

Gunther

What's my last name?

Chandler

Central Perk?

Gunther

(to Ross) Thanks for not marrying Rachel. (He starts to leave.)

Joey

Oh-whoa-wait, Gunther don't-don't forget your shirt. (He gives Gunther his shirt and Gunther leaves.)

Ross

Hey-hey, what are those?

Joey

Oh, little party favours, check it out! (It's a shirt that reads, "Ross Geller, Bachelor Bash 1998")

Ross

Wow! Yeah!

Joey

Oh-oh! (Shows him what's on the back, "Best Man Joey Tribbiani, with a huge picture of him.)

Chandler

(banging on the bottle again) Okay, okay, a little announcement, I just want everyone to know that the position of my best man is still open! And uh, (to the stripper) so is the position of the bride.

The Stripper

Great!

Ross

Smooth man. Yeah, you got some chilie on your neck. (Chandler checks and runs into the bathroom.) Well, I just want to say, thanks everyone, this-this was great. And hey! See you guys Monday morning. (They museum geeks wave at him.) Thanks Joey.

Joey

Oh, hey, don't forget your shirt.

Ross

Oh, thanks! (Takes it and throws it back into the box and leaves.)

Joey

Okay, hey, museum geeks, party's over. Okay. Wave bye-bye to the nice lady. There you go. Back to your parent's basement. All right. (The museum geeks exit and Joey unlocks his door and lets the chick and the duck out.) Come on boys, come on out! Here you go. All right.

The Stripper

Ohhh, look at the little birdies! Are those yours?

Joey

Yeah!

The Stripper

Wow, I didn't know they let you keep chickens and ducks as pets.

Joey

Oh yeah-yeah. And I got the duck totally trained. Watch this. Stare at the wall. (The duck complies.) Hardly move. (The duck complies.) Be white. (The duck complies.)

The Stripper

You are really good at that. So uh, I had fun tonight, you throw one hell of a party.

Joey

Oh thanks. Thanks. It was great meetin' ya. And listen if any of my friends gets married, or have a birthday, or a Tuesday...

The Stripper

Yeah, that would be great. So I guess umm, good night.

Joey

Oh unless you uh, you wanna hang around.

The Stripper

Yeah?

Joey

Yeah. I'll let you play with my duck.

Scene 8

Joey's bedroom, it's the middle of the night, he's waking up and discovers he's alone in bed.

Joey

Hey, (realises he doesn't know her name.) stripper! (He notices that the ring box is open, so he picks it up, sees it's empty and starts to panic.)

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Scene 9

Chandler and Joey's, it's continued from earlier. Joey is now waking Chandler and telling him the news.

Joey

(running and banging on Chandler's door) The stripper stole the ring!! The stripper stole the ring!! Chandler! Chandler, get up! Get up! The stripper stole the ring!

Chandler

(opening the door) What?

Joey

The ring is gone!

Chandler

Ugh. Just a sec, give me a minute to wake up for this-Ah-ha-ha!! You lost the ring! You're the worst best man ever!

Joey

Dude, this isn't funny! What am I gonna do?! I go to bed last night, everything's cool! I wake up this morning, the stripper's gone and the ring is gone!

Chandler

You slept with the stripper?

Joey

Of course!! (Shrugs.)

Scene 10

Central Perk, Phoebe is entering, Monica and Rachel are talking on the couch.

Phoebe

Hi, guys.

Rachel

Hi! Phoebe. (Both Monica and her try to move out of Phoebe's way.)

Monica

Hi Phoebe.

Phoebe

I-I wanted to apologise if I-y'know seemed a tad edgy yesterday at my shower. Y'know it's just the hormones, y'know.

Rachel

No we...

Monica

Hormones.

Rachel

...hormones, yeah.

Phoebe

Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you, it was just, it was so sweet. (She goes to hug them and they both flinch, thinking that Phoebe is about to attack them.)

Monica

Wow, you seem to be doing so much better. That's great. So how-how are things going?

Phoebe

Good. Y'know-no-no, okay, it's-it feels like everything's been about me lately, so what's happening with you?

Rachel

Oh, well, actually we were just talking about me not going to Ross's wedding.

Phoebe

Oh!

Rachel

It just might be too hard, given the history and all that...

Phoebe

Wow! This reminds me of the time when I was umm, living on the street and this guy offered to buy me food if I slept with him.

Rachel

Well, h-how is this like that?

Phoebe

Well, let's see, it's not. Really, like that. Because, you see that was an actual problem, and uh, yours is just like y'know a bunch of y'know high school crap that nobody really gives y'know...

Rachel

(starting to cry) I'm-I'm sorry, I just thought that...

Phoebe

Alrighty, here come the water works. (Rachel starts crying harder.)

Scene 11

Chandler and Joey's, Joey is trying to figure out what to do.

Joey

Ugh! I don't know what I'm going to do! I called the company that sent and th-they don't care! Then I called 9-1-1 and they laughed at me, if this isn't an emergency, then what is?

Ross

(entering) Hey guys!

Chandler

Hey!

Joey

Hey...

Ross

I just wanted to thank you again for last night, what a great party! And the guys from work had a blast. Y'know, one of them had never been to a bachelor party before. Yeah! And-and another one had never been to a party before, so...

Joey

So uh, hey, that uh, that wedding ring, huh? Man, that's nice!

Ross

Yeah, right!

Joey

I was uh, I was thinking I might want to pick one of those babies up for myself, I might want to get one of those...

Ross

That ring? When my grandmother first came to this country, that ring and the clothes on her back were all she had with her.

Chandler

So you might say, the ring is irreplaceable? (Gives Joey a little squeeze.)

Ross

Oh absolutely! It has been in my family for generations, and every bride who has worn it has had a long and happy life.

Chandler

So you might say, it's a magic ring.

Joey

(laughs, softly) Yeah, the stripper stole it.

Ross

My-my ring? My-my wedding ring? The-the stripper stole my wedding ring?! H-how?! How could this all happen?!

Chandler

Well, I think it all started when you said, "Hey Joey, why don't you be my best man."

Ross

(dialling the phone) All right-all right, fine! I-I'm gonna call the cops!

Joey

Dude, I screwed up, you don't have to turn me in!

Ross

Not on you! On the stripper!

Joey

Oh, yeah, well I already did that! They said they're gonna look into it right after they solved all the murders.

Ross

Okay, well, we'll call the company that sent her!

Joey

I did that too! They wouldn't give me her real name or her number. They said, "If I bothered them again they'd call the police." I said, "If you talk to the police, you tell them I'm missing a ring!"

Ross

So what, Joey? Wh-wh-what? What are you telling me? That there's nothing we can do? Well, how could this happen?!

Joey

Look Ross, I am so-so sorry. I-I-I...

Chandler

Well, what if we just ah, called her, used a fake name, and had her come to my office?

Joey

Oh, that sounds like fun, but we've got a ring to find!!

Scene 12

Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are cautiously serving Phoebe some tea.

Monica

Here's your tea Phoebe. (They give it to her and quickly take a step back.)

Phoebe

(sips it) It's so good. (Monica and Rachel breath a sigh of relief.) Oh, thanks.

Rachel

Good.

Monica

I'm so glad you liked it.

Phoebe

(sets the cup down) Oh! (Grabs her stomach in pain.)

Monica

What?!

Rachel

What?! She made the tea! (Points to Monica.)

Phoebe

Oh! No, I-I think I just had a contraction.

Rachel

You what?

Monica

Oh my God!

Phoebe

Yeah, I thought I had one a couple of minutes ago, and now I know that was definitely one.

Monica

Wait, you can't have the baby here! I mean I haven't sterilised it since the guys moved out!

Rachel

Okay. It's okay. We're gonna be okay. Y'know what? It's okay. I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna boil some water and just rip up some sheets!

Phoebe

No. It's all right; it's probably false labour. They said that, that can happen near the end, just somebody get the book.

Monica

Rachel, get the book! The book!

Rachel

Okay! (Runs and grabs a book and hands it to Monica.) Okay! Here!

Monica

The Bible?!

Rachel

I don't know!

Scene 13

Chandler's office, the guys are there waiting to ambush the stripper.

Joey

All right, okay, this is great, uh, Chandler, you get behind the desk. And-and when she comes in hopefully, she won't recognise you because, well, why would she? Uh, okay, and then you buzz Ross and I. (to Ross) You be Mr. Gonzalez, and I'll be uh, Mr. Wong.

Ross

Diverse.

(There's a knock on the door.)

The Stripper

Did anybody call for security?

Chandler

(to Ross) You be cool. (He opens the door and lets her in as they all turn there backs on her.)

The Stripper

Okay, which one of you guys is Gunther Central-Perk? (Sees Joey.) Hey, Joey?

Ross

Where's my ring? My dead grandmother's wedding ring? Where is it? Where is it?

Chandler

Way to be cool, man.

The Stripper

What's he talking about?

Joey

There was a ring, in a box, on my nightstand, after you left, it was gone!

The Stripper

Wait, you guys think I stole some ring?

The Guys

Yeah!

Ross

We know you took so just-just save yourself the time and confess!

The Stripper

Okay, who are you? The Hardy boys? Look, I don't need to steal some stupid ring, all right? I make $1,600 a week doing what I do; any of you guys make that?

Chandler

Marry me. (Both Ross and Chandler hit him.)

Scene 14

Chandler and Joey's, the guys are now trying to figure out what next to do, since their plan with the stripper backfired on them.

Joey

I don't get it! It was in my room all night! And if she didn't take it, and I didn't take it; and you (Chandler) didn't take it, then who did? (The duck quacks.) Shh! We're trying to think! (Ross and Chandler realise it at the same moment and stare at Joey, who doesn't get it. After a short pause, with the duck still quacking, Joey figures it out and starts pointing at the duck.)

Scene 15

Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is recovering from her false labour.

Rachel

I still don't get how you know when it's false labour.

Phoebe

Well, do you see any babies?

Monica

How do you feel?

Phoebe

Okay, I guess. I mean... I don't know, it's just, I guess I know it's going to be over soon.

Rachel

Well, isn't that a good thing? You said you were sick of this.

Phoebe

I know. It's just y'know usually when you're, when you're done with the pregnant thing, y'know, then you get to do the mom thing. I'm gonna be y'know, sitting around in my leather pants, drinking Tequila.

Monica

Some moms do that.

Phoebe

Okay that's even sadder. Look, I know, I know what I got myself into, it's just that now that they're in me it's like, it's like I know them y'know, I mean-I mean, it's just not gonna be easy when these little babies have to go away.

Monica

Aww, sweetie, but it's not like you're not gonna have anything. You're gonna have nieces and nephews, and some ways that's even better.

Phoebe

Yeah, okay.

Rachel

No, really. Really, Pheebs, you're not gonna be the one worrying about saving for college, or yelling at them when they're bad, y'know, or deciding to put them on Ritalin when they just won't calm down. Y'know?

Monica

I mean, you're the one they're gonna come to when they wanna run away from home, and the one they talk to about sex.

Rachel

And you just get to be cool Aunt Phoebe!

Phoebe

Cool Aunt Phoebe. I am pretty cool!

Monica

Yeah.

Rachel

And y'know what else, oh my God, are they gonna love you.

Phoebe

They are gonna love me.

Rachel

Oh!

Phoebe

Thanks you guys! Again.

Monica

Oh, sweetie! (They all hug.)

Phoebe

You're the best. Thanks. Oh!

Rachel

What?!

Phoebe

Just kidding. Ahh!

Rachel

What?!

Monica

Oh my God!

Phoebe

Got cha again, you guys are so easy.

Scene 16

The Animal Hospital, the guys have taken the duck in to remove the ring. Joey is pacing around like an expectant father.

Joey

If anything should happen to him...

Ross

Joey! The vet said it's a simple procedure.

Joey

So! Things can go wrong! You don't know! What if he doesn't make it?!

Chandler

He will, Joe.

Joey

Yeah, but what if he doesn't? He's such a good duck.

(With that we go into a little flashback about the guys' memories of the duck. The first one is Joey playing with him in the bathtub and drying him off. Then it's Chandler sitting on his couch after they moved into the girls apartment, and Chandler reading to him in bed, and him watching Baywatch when all they had was the canoe and the duck was in a bucket of water. Then we see Ross eating some cereal and the duck watching him. He takes a lamp and moves the duck off of the table. Then it's Chandler shooing them out of the bathroom in the girls' apartment, Joey revealing their disco cubby hole in the entertainment-center, then Chandler playing Hide-and-Go-Seek with them, and it's concluded with various scenes with the duck flapping it's wings. And the guys staring into the distance in remembrance of the duck.)

Joey

I'm so worried about him, y'know?

The Doctor

(coming in from surgery) Somebody lose a ring?

Ross

Oh my God! Thank you! Thank you so much! (He grabs the ring, kisses it, and then does a double-take realising where it's been.)

Joey

H-h-h-how's the duck?

The Doctor

He's doing just fine, he's resting now, but you can see him in a little bit.

Joey

Ohh, great! Oh hey, listen Ross, thanks for being so cool about this.

Ross

No, that's all right.

Joey

No, it's not. I mean you-you made me your best man and I totally let you down!

Chandler

Hey, come on, it's not your fault.

Joey

Yeah, it is! You wouldn't have lost the ring, right? Y'know what, Ross you were right from the start, he (Chandler) should be your best man.

Chandler

No, you should.

Joey

Now, don't argue with me...

Ross

Hey! Hey! Hey! I get to choose my best man, and I want both you guys.

Chandler

Really?

Joey

Really?

Ross

Hey, both you guys should be up there with me. I mean, you two are-are my... I mean, I'm lucky to have just one good... (They all start getting emotional.)

Chandler

Thanks man.

Joey

(starting to cry) I gotta go check something over here. (He walks away so that they can't see him cry.)

Chandler

What a baby.

Ross

Total wuss!

(They both turn and wipe their eyes.)

CLOSING CREDITS

[There was no closing scene, only a preview of the wedding.]

END