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  •  /  Friends  /  S04E14 The One With Joey's Dirty Day


    • new scene
    • Scene 1

      Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey is getting ready for a fishing trip and Phoebe is asking him about the fishing lures. Ross is playing with the rod, and Monica is pretty much just watching the on goings.

    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      (holding a lure) So now, what is this now?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Guggly worm.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      (laughs and picks up another lure) And this?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Glow-pop giggly jammer.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      (laughs harder) You make it so funny.
    • monica
    • Monica
      (not wanting to be left out, picks up something) Hey umm, what's this?
    • joey
    • Joey
      (examining it) Ohh, a hunk of sandwich from last year. (Monica drops the sandwich)
    • ross
    • Ross
      (pretend fishing in the living room) Ohh, Geller's got one hooked! Ohh! Looks like a big one! Yeah, ohh! Ohh! (Swinging the rod back and forth) It's the classic struggle between man and-(swings the rod and knocks over a lamp.) Someone knocked over a lamp.
    • joey
    • Joey
      (going over and picking up the rod) That's all right. Hey you guys, you know what's going to be great about the fishing trip this year? When my dad gets me out in the middle of the lake and gives me that, "Joey, what are you doing with your life?" stuff. I can say, "Well, I'm doing a movie with Charlton Heston dad. What are you doing with your life?"
    • Everyone
      Great!
    • (Chandler enters from his bedroom, all depressed and wearing sweat pants, with the chick and duck in tow.)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      You don't have to stop having fun just because I'm here. Kathy didn't cheat on all of you. (To Joey) Well, except you. (They hug and Chandler goes into the bathroom with the chick and duck following him.)
    • monica
    • Monica
      Hey, Joey, I don't think that you should leave Chandler alone. I mean it's only been two days since he broke up with Kathy. Maybe you can go fishing next week?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Look, there's nothing I can do for him right now, he's still in his sweat pants, that's still Phase One. Y'know? I'll be back for Phase Two, I would never miss Phase Two.
    • monica
    • Monica
      What's Phase Two?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Gettin' drunk and going to a strip club.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      How does going to a strip club help him better?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Because there are naked ladies there.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Which helps him get to Phase Three, picturing yourself with other women.
    • ross
    • Ross
      There are naked ladies there too.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (opening the bathroom door and kicking out the chick and duck) Would you give me one minute!! Please.
    • OPENING CREDITS
    • new scene
    • Scene 2

      Bloomingdale's, Rachel is still dressing Joshua. He is trying on a pair of pants.

    • Joshua
      So, these will match the jacket you picked out for me last week?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Um-hmm. (Joshua turns to look in the mirror and leaves Rachel staring at his ass.) There we go. There it is.
    • Joshua
      (turning around) Oh! You know what I need?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah!
    • Joshua
      Gloves. Brown, leather dress gloves.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, okay. Uhh, well let's see. (Grabs his hand.) You're about-well uh, this one is large. And this one-(Grabs the other hand.)
    • Joshua
      Also large?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah! Okay, two larges coming right up!
    • Joshua
      Okay.
    • Mr. Waltham
      (entering) Rachel! Could I have a moment?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yes.
    • Mr. Waltham
      I-I was wondering, my niece you see is in from London-well Shropshire really but y'know-well she's about your age I say. Anyway I have tickets for the opera, Die Fledermaus, and I was wondering if you'd like to keep her company this evening?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Sure. You got it. Great!
    • Mr. Waltham
      Oh, good.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Me, Fledermaus, great. I really-(motions to Joshua.)
    • Mr. Waltham
      Ohh! Yes of course, thank you, thank you, thank you so very much.
    • Joshua
      So...(Holds out his hands as to say, "Where are my gloves?")
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      So? (She puts her hands in his, totally forgetting about the gloves, and hoping for something more intimate.)
    • Joshua
      Gloves?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ohh! Right! Right, sorry, I'll be right back!
    • Joshua
      Uhh, actually y'know what, I kinda-I have to take off.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh.
    • Joshua
      But, I was curious; do you have any plans for tonight?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      No! Nothing!
    • Joshua
      I invested in this night-club and it's opening tonight, would you like to come?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah! That would be great!
    • Joshua
      You're into hardcore S&M right?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      (shocked) Well, I-I guess-I...
    • Joshua
      Kidding! (Rachel is relived) I'm gonna get there early, but I'm going to put you on the V.I.P list, okay? Look for me.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah, great, you betcha!
    • Mr. Waltham
      (entering) I almost forget the tickets, didn't I?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      What?
    • Mr. Waltham
      For you and Emily, tonight, Die Fledermaus.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh. Oh, right.
    • Mr. Waltham
      I think you'll like it, it has two out of the three tenors.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh yay!
    • new scene
    • Scene 3

      Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is in his sweats flinging playing cards into a pot.

    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Y'know, I can't believe Kathy did this too me. I really, thought that she was the one. I tell you what, from now on I'm never getting out of this chair, ever! Okay? From now on, this chair is the one! You wanna what else is the one? My sweat pants!
    • ross
    • Ross
      Come on, man! Just-just take the sweats off. Okay? Just take 'em off and we'll have some fun.
    • joey
    • Joey
      (entering) Hey-hey!
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hi!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Hey!
    • ross
    • Ross
      Catch any big fish? (Phoebe, Ross, and Monica all go over to him.)
    • joey
    • Joey
      Oh my God, you guys have no idea.
    • Everyone
      (they all recoil from the smell emanating from him) Oh! God! Wow!
    • monica
    • Monica
      You stink!
    • ross
    • Ross
      Are you kidding?!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah, three days on the lake without a shower. Plus! I fell in that big tub of worms at the bait stand! Hey, how-how's he doing?
    • ross
    • Ross
      He hasn't gotten out of that chair in two days.
    • joey
    • Joey
      (goes over to Chandler) Hey buddy! How's it going?
    • (Chandler imitates retching and gets out of the chair.)
    • joey
    • Joey
      (To the rest of the gang) Hey, see that? He just needed his pal to come home. All right, uh, I've got to go memorise my lines. (Starts to go his bedroom) Me and Charlton Heston bright and early tomorrow morning! Yeah-yeah!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      (entering) Hey!
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hey!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Hey, Monica!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Uh-oh, what's the matter?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ohh, it's Joshua invited me to this fancy club opening tonight. But, I already told Mr. Waltham that I would take his niece to this dumb old opera. So... What are you gonna do?
    • monica
    • Monica
      I don't know sweetie.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      No! Help me!
    • monica
    • Monica
      I can't! I have to work!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Phoebe?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      I would, but I get my morning sickness in the evening.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ugh!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Unless! She wants to spend the night holding my hair back for me.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ohh, gosh. You guys, come on, this is-I have to meet Joshua! This is my one chance for him to see the fun Rachel. Y'know the "Wouldn't it be great if she was my wife" Rachel. Ohh, all right! Are Joey and Chandler back?
    • monica
    • Monica
      No, Chandler's still in Phase One, and Joey's that thing you smell.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ohh! (Realises that Ross is in the room.) Hi!
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hi!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      So....
    • ross
    • Ross
      No.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ohhhh, come on!!!
    • (There's a knock on the door.)
    • monica
    • Monica
      I think she's here.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      No! Wait! Wait-wait! Ross, please!
    • ross
    • Ross
      You want me to take some girl I've never met to the opera so you can go to a club and flirt with some guy, hmm, that-that is a toughie.
    • monica
    • Monica
      (looking out the peephole) Ohh, she's looking down the hall. Oh! She looked right at me! Oh wait, you can't see people through that little hole, can you? (Goes back to the door.) Hello!
    • Woman
      Hello! (Monica screams)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      I'll be right there! (to Ross) Okay, Ross, please come on! I thought we have moved on! I thought we've gotten to a place where we could be happy for each other! I mean was that just me?
    • ross
    • Ross
      All right, I'll do it.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you! (Monica opens the door.) Emily?
    • Emily
      Yes.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      I'm Rachel Green.
    • Emily
      Thank goodness.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      There's been a teeny-teeny change in plans. It turns out that I'm not free tonight. So...
    • Emily
      Really?! Well, that's just lovely, isn't it? I must've missed your call, even though I didn't leave the flat all day.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh well, no I...
    • Emily
      Oh, no-no-no, that's not rude! It's perfectly in keeping with a trip that I've already been run down by one of your wiener carts, and been strip-searched at John F. Kennedy Airport, apparently to you people, I look like someone who's got a balloon full of cocaine stuffed up their bum.
    • monica
    • Monica
      I-I-I think you look great.
    • Emily
      Good night, it was very nice to meet you all. (Storms out.)
    • (Pause)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      I'll get her.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Please hurry.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Don't you just love the way they talk?!
    • new scene
    • Scene 4

      Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, the next morning, Monica and Phoebe are eating breakfast.

    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Ohh!
    • monica
    • Monica
      What?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      It kicked! I think the baby kicked!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Oh my God!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh no wait, oh no, the elastic on my underwear busted.
    • joey
    • Joey
      (running from his bedroom) Oh my God! I overslept! I was supposed to be on the set a half an hour ago! I gotta get out of here!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Oh wait, Joey, you can't go like that! You stink!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Look, I know I feel asleep before I could shower and now I don't have time! They're just ten blocks away, if I run, I can make it.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Yeah. Run ten blocks, that'll help the smell.
    • (He opens the door to reveal Rachel.)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Hey-whoa, slow down. (Gets a whiff of him) No, keep moving. (Joey runs off.) Wow!
    • monica
    • Monica
      So? How did it go with Joshua last night?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Well, I didn't see Joshua last night, but I did punch a girl in the face.
    • monica
    • Monica
      What?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Why?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      The whole night was horrible, it was pouring down rain, and when I got there, there was no Rachel Green on the list, but there was a Rachel Greep.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Ohh! So, did you get to meet her?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      No, there is no Rachel Greep, but then this other girl overheard us and she was all, "I'm Rachel Greep! I'm Rachel Greep!" and he let her right in.
    • monica
    • Monica
      So you hit her in the face?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      No, she was already in, but then this big bitch behind me tried to steal my umbrella, so I clocked her. Ohhh! I can't believe this, all I wanted was a few hours outside of work to see Joshua, so he can go ahead and start falling in love with me.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      (going over to comfort her) Aww, Pheebs.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Honey, that's you're name.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      That's short for Phoebe?! I thought that was just what we called each other!
    • (Chandler enters from his bedroom.)
    • monica
    • Monica
      Hey! You're wearing pants!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      That's right! Where are the guys? I'm ready to get drunk and see some strippers.
    • monica
    • Monica
      It's 9:30 in the morning!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      They got a breakfast buffet.
    • (The phone rings and Monica answers it.)
    • monica
    • Monica
      Hello. (Listens) Oh, hey Ross!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Ooh, let me talk to him!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Oh-oh, my God!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Well, can I just...
    • monica
    • Monica
      (to Chandler) Shh!! (On phone) Wait, what?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      She's shhing me! It's my phone and she's shhing me!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Shhh!! Please! What's he saying?
    • monica
    • Monica
      He's with Emily at a Bed and Breakfast in Vermont!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      What? Oh my God!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      What? Who the hell is Emily-(realises) noooo!!
    • COMMERCIAL BREAK
    • new scene
    • Scene 5

      Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and Rachel's, scene continued from earlier.

    • rachel
    • Rachel
      They're in Vermont!! How could this happen?! (She waves her arms franticly and hits Chandler.)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Ow!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      How-how did end up in Vermont with that awful witch?! (She hits Chandler again.)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Maybe, she doesn't hit him all the time.
    • [cut to Ross in Vermont, talking on the phone.]
    • ross
    • Ross
      When we first met her, she was soaking, her feet were wet! Who wouldn't be miserable? I'm telling you when I got her into a dry pair of shoes, she was a totally different person.
    • Emily
      (rushing in) Ross! Come quickly! There's a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard!
    • ross
    • Ross
      I've gotta go, there's a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard! (He hangs up and runs out.)
    • [cut back to Chandler and Joey's.]
    • monica
    • Monica
      He had to go, there's a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      I don't get this! She was horrible! (She hits Chandler, yet again.)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Okay, I'm going to go stand over there. (Points and moves into the living room.)
    • monica
    • Monica
      Why do you care so much anyway?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      I don't care! All right, y'know what I'm just upset that I'm getting nowhere with Joshua that-y'know what still, you do not meet someone and go flitting off to Vermont!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Well, when you first met Barry, you flitted off to Vail.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, y'know, would you just for once, not remember every...little...thing!! (Storms out.)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      So y'know, uh, when's he getting back?
    • monica
    • Monica
      A couple of days.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Y'know, I knew something like this was going to happen. (He starts to take off his pants, revealing that he is still wearing his sweat pants.)
    • monica
    • Monica
      What are you doing?! Chandler! You can't just go back a phase!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yes you can. You're thinking about time, you can't go back in time.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Well, look, why don't you just, why don't you do your Phase Two strip club thing with us.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Yeah, come on, we can be guys!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (laughs) No you can't.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Come on! Let us be guys! Maybe we want to be guys!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      You don't want to be guys, you'd be all hairy and wouldn't live as long. (Starts to go to his bedroom)
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Y'know you, you just stop being such a wuss and get those off and you come with us and watch naked girls dance around!!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Okay. (Starts to cry)
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      I'm sorry. (Goes and hugs him)
    • new scene
    • Scene 6

      Silvercup Studios, Joey is just arriving for his scene.

    • joey
    • Joey
      (rushing in) Hey! Joey Tribbiani! I'm here! I'm here!
    • The A.D
      Calm down, we got time, we're running a little late.
    • (Just then, Charlton Heston walks out of his dressing room and starts eating a liquorice whip.)
    • joey
    • Joey
      Look at that, Charlton Heston eating a liquorice whip!
    • The A.D
      Yeah, we loves 'em. I've never seen him with-(He gets a whiff of Joey and starts smelling around.)
    • joey
    • Joey
      (trying to act like he's not the one that stinks.) Whoa! Yeah, what the hell is that? What smells so bad?
    • The A.D
      You.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Y'know, I can see why you think that, but ah, actually, you know who I think it is?
    • The A.D
      You?
    • joey
    • Joey
      No-no, it's uh, it's Heston.
    • The A.D
      What?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah, the man wreaks! Smells like he went on a three day fishing trip and then ate some liquorice.
    • The A.D
      There's no way he smells, he's the only one around here with a shower in his dressing room.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Really, a shower huh? And uh, which-which room might that be?
    • The A.D
      The one with "Heston" on it.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Interesting.
    • new scene
    • Scene 7

      A strip club, the girls are there with Chandler, who isn't enjoying himself.

    • monica
    • Monica
      (coming back to the stage and sitting next to Chandler) Okay, I've got some Ones, you wanna put them in her panties?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      No thanks, Mom!
    • (A man sits down next to Phoebe and lights up a cigarette.)
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh, no umm, hi, that-that, you have to put that out, 'cause I'm pregnant.
    • The Cigarette Smoking Guy
      (No, not the Cigarette Smoking Man from The X-Files.) Well, maybe you and your baby should go to another strip club.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Ha-ha, it's not my baby, ha-ha-ha! (He leaves.)
    • (The dancer finishes and everyone claps.)
    • monica
    • Monica
      Very good, (getting up and sliding a One into the dancer's hot pants) so good.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      (doing the same) I really, really enjoyed it. Very exotic.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      (joining them) Well, I just checked our messages and Joshua didn't call. I mean you'd think he'd be worried about me not showing up at his club. Ugh, you know what makes it so much worse, Ross is all happy in Vermont!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Come on! Look where you are!!
    • monica
    • Monica
      (to the waitress) When you get a sec, another round of daiquiris.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Remember, a virgin for me please.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Oh! And don't let me leave without getting the name of that carpet guy.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Ahh, come on! Y'know what-y'know what, I think I'm just gonna go home and call Kathy.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Well, if you think it will help.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      No! That was a test! In a couple of hours I'm gonna get really drunk and wanna call Kathy and you guys are gonna have to stop me! And then after that, I'm gonna get so drunk, I'm gonna wanna call Janice
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      You should! How is she?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Ohhh!!
    • monica
    • Monica
      I think somebody needs another lap dance. (Motions for one.)
    • new scene
    • Scene 8

      Silvercup studios, Joey is taking a shower in Charlton Heston's dressing room. Heston enters the room, Joey panics, and walks over to the shower and confronts Joey about the use of his shower.

    • Charlton Heston
      Hello! Who's in there? (He opens to curtain to reveal a naked and wet Joey.)
    • joey
    • Joey
      How ya doin'?
    • Charlton Heston
      Who in the hell are you?
    • joey
    • Joey
      I guess you wouldn't believe me if I said I was Kurt Douglas, huh?
    • Charlton Heston
      Put some pants on kid so I can kick your butt.
    • joey
    • Joey
      No-no-no, no, no, wait. You see, I'm an actor, Joey Tribbiani, I'm doing a scene with you today, and well, I stink.
    • Charlton Heston
      (shocked) You're in this picture?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah-yeah, I'm one of the cops that won't work with you 'cause you a lose cannon. Anyway, look, I'm really sorry, but I stink!
    • Charlton Heston
      Joey, right?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah.
    • Charlton Heston
      (tosses him a towel, motions for him to get out of the shower and sits down on the couch) Every actor at one time or another-opp! (Joey tries to sit down next to him and Heston makes him sit somewhere else.) Every actor thinks he stinks, even Lawrence Oliver at sometimes thought he stank, Bob Redford won't even watch himself.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Oh no-no-no, you don't understand...
    • Charlton Heston
      Listen to me!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Oh yeah, yeah.
    • Charlton Heston
      I don't know one actor worth his salt that didn't say at one time or another, "God, I stink!" Hell, I just did a scene out there, first take, I stunk the place up. But, the important thing you must remember, no matter how badly you think you might stink, you must never, ever bust into my dressing room and use my shower! Do you understand me?!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yes sir! Yes sir, I'm-I'm-(he starts to leave)
    • Charlton Heston
      Wait a minute! Take your pants.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah. Oh, yeah.
    • new scene
    • Scene 9

      Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are returning from the strip club.

    • monica
    • Monica
      So, we did okay at the strip club, right?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh yeah, that was great. Thanks to you, the hottest cocktail waitress there is quitting to teach the third grade!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      (entering) I can't believe it! He still hasn't called.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Who, Josh?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      It's Joshua.
    • monica
    • Monica
      What, he doesn't like Josh?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      No, I don't.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      All right, well I'm gonna put my sweats back on.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh no! Wait! Wait! Okay, y'know what, you were right, you were right. We really weren't great at being guys, but you know why? Because we're girls.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yeah?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      And do you know what girls are really good at?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Stripping!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      No, listening! Sit! Y'know, maybe it would just really, really help if you would just talk.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah, come on! What's going in on in there? (Pats his chest.)
    • monica
    • Monica
      Yeah. And y'know, if you wanna cry, that's okay too.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Okay, look, I'm gonna have to ask you all to leave.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Come on! Chandler!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Look, forget it. We tried, but Phase Three is a lost cause, Okay? Those strippers were insanely hot, and I couldn't picture myself with any of them. (Sits back in disgust.)
    • monica
    • Monica
      They really were pretty, weren't they? (Rachel and Phoebe both agree)
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Yeah, I really liked that fighter pilot one.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Oh, Candy! She was so spunky!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Yeah.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Y'know, I think if I were going to be with a woman. (Chandler is intrigued.) It'd, it'd be with someone like Michelle, she was so oh, she was so petite.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      See, I don't know, for me it would have to Chantal.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Oh, Chantal!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh my goodness, she had the smoothest skin! I mean when I stuck that dollar bill in her g-string and grazed her thigh...
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (jumping up) Phase Three! I just achieved Phase Three!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Really?!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      I am totally picturing you with all those women!
    • monica
    • Monica
      That's-that's not Phase Three.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Well, I'm there too!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Well, are we all together? Like in a group?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Stop it! You're killing me! I think I just moved on to Phase Four!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh! What is that? What is that?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Where I don't want to have a relationship ever! I just want to have sex with strippers and my friends!!
    • new scene
    • Scene 10

      Central Perk, the gang is there, minus Ross. Chandler is trying to cheer Joey up about missing Phase Two.

    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Come on, let me see that smile.
    • joey
    • Joey
      I don't wanna.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Please?
    • joey
    • Joey
      I wanted to go to the strip club!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      I know, I know, but you're gonna have plenty of chances. There are literally thousands of women out there just waiting to screw me over.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah, all right. (Ross enters.)
    • monica
    • Monica
      Hey!
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hey!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Hey-ooh so, how was Vermont?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Emily is...incredible. I mean there-there are no words to describe it, I mean the whole weekend was like a dream. (Sees Rachel coming back from the bathroom.) Oh! And you! Rach!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, hey!
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hey! You were so right!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      What?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Uh, what you said, about us being in a place where we could finally be happy for each other.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, hmm.
    • ross
    • Ross
      I mean, I, I-I admit I-I wasn't quite there. Y'know, I mean the thought of you and that-that Josh guy...
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Joshua.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Joshua...guy at that club, dancing and having a good time, the thought of it kinda...y'know.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah, I...
    • ross
    • Ross
      But now! I'm there! I'm totally there! I'm-I'm finally where you are!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, thank goodness!
    • ross
    • Ross
      Yeah, and-and thank you for Emily.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, no problem. I'm so glad I could help. Happy for you. (She playfully punches him.)
    • ross
    • Ross
      Happy for you. (He punches her back.)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      No, happy for you! (Hits him harder.)
    • CLOSING CREDITS
    • new scene
    • Scene 11

      Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is there and is getting ready to direct a bunch of strippers, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe on what to do in the upcoming orgy of lesbian lust. Yes, it's a dream sequence, this isn't cable.

    • chandler
    • Chandler
      All right ladies, here's what we're gonna do. (Points to a stripper.) You are gonna take off my clothes. (To another two strippers) You two, go get the oils. (To another stripper) And you just constantly scream at the top of your voice, "Chandler's the king! Chandler's the king!"
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      I-I wanna be with her, (points to the stripper next to her) I like her.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh, that's fine! Go with your instincts, go with your instincts.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Wait, now, what am I doing again?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Come on! Would you please pay attention, I could wake up at any moment!
    • The Cigarette Guy
      Hi, I'm Joshua, I'm here to pick up Rachel.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      No-no-no, that' not Joshua.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      What do you want from me, I've never met the guy. So anyway, Rachel, I'm sorry you can't stay, (Rachel is upset about leaving the orgy with the cigarette guy.) but the rest of us have a lot of work to do. (The cigarette guy starts rubbing Chandler's back.) What are you doing? (The guy just nods) All right, listen, I've got to wake up!
    • END