The One With the Breast Milk | S02E02

/ Friends / S02E02 The One With the Breast Milk

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Scene 1

Monica and Rachel's, Carol and Susan are showing off Ben to the gang.

Monica

(entering from her bedroom carrying a present) Ok, these were unbelievably expensive, and I know he's gonna grow out of them in like, 20 minutes, but I couldn't resist. (There a little pair of Nike shoes.)

Phoebe

Oh, look at these! Hey, Ben. Just do it. (Ben starts to cry) Oh my God, oh, ok, was that too much pressure for him?

Susan

Oh, is he hungry already?

Carol

I guess so. (Carol starts to breast feed Ben.)

Chandler

You know, it's... (sees the feeding taking place next to him) something funny about sneakers. I'll be right back. (Goes into the kitchen)

Joey

(joins him) I gotta get one, too.

Ross

(following them into the kitchen) What are you guys doing?

Chandler

We're just hanging out by the spoons. Ladle?

Ross

Look, would you guys grow up? That is the most natural beautiful thing in the world.

Joey

Yeah, we know, but there's a baby suckin' on it.

Ross

This is my son having lunch, ok? It's gonna happen a lot, so you'd better get used to it. Now if you have any problem with it, if you're uncomfortable, just ask questions. Carol's fine with it, now come on.

(They go back into the living room)

Ross

Carol?

Chandler

Carol? I was just wondering if Joey could ask you a question about breast-feeding?

Carol

Sure.

Joey

Uh, does it hurt?

Carol

It did at first, but not anymore.

Joey

Chandler?

Chandler

So, uh, how often can you do it?

Carol

As much as he needs.

Joey

Ok, I got one, I got one. Uh, if he blows into one, does the other one get bigger?

OPENING CREDITS

Scene 2

Central Perk, the gang is all there.

Julie

Rachel, do you have any muffins left?

Rachel

Yeah, I forget which ones.

Julie

Oh, you're busy, that's ok, I'll get it. Anybody else want one?

Everyone

No thanks.

Julie

(To Rachel) Oh, you're losin' your apron here, let me get it. There you go. (Ties it back up for her)

Rachel

(to Julie) Thank you. (under her breath to Chandler) What a bitch.

Julie

Oh, listen you guys. I have this friend at Bloomingdale's who's quitting tomorrow and he wants to abuse his discount. So, anyone want to come with me and take advantage of it?

Phoebe

I can't, I have to take my grandmother to the vet.

Monica

Ok, um, I'll go with you.

Julie

Great.

Ross

(enters) Hi, honey.

Chandler

Hey, sweetums.

Ross

Hello to the rest.

Everyone

Hi!

Joey

Monica what're you doin'? You can't go shopping with her? What about Rachel?

Monica

It's gonna be a problem, isn't it?

Chandler

Come on, you're going to Bloomingdale's with Julie? That's like cheating on Rachel in her house of worship.

Monica

But I'm...

Phoebe

Monica, she will kill you. She will kill you like a dog in the street.

Ross

(to Monica) So, uh, Jules tells me you guys are going shopping tomorrow?

Monica

Yeah, uh, it's actually not that big a deal.

Ross

It's a big deal to me. This is great, Monica. I really appreciate this.

Monica

You're welcome.

Phoebe

Woof, woof.

Scene 3

A Department Store, Joey is selling men's cologne.

Joey

(A guy walks by) Bijan for men? (Another guy walks by) Bijan for men? (Another guy walks by) Bijan for men? (An attractive woman walks by.) Hey Annabelle.

Annabelle

Hey, Joey. So did you hear about the new guy?

Joey

Who?

Annabelle

Nobody knows his name. Me and the girls just call him the Hombre man.

(The Hombre man enters.)

Hombre Man

(to a customer) Hombre? (The guy says yes, and gets his sample.)

Joey

What's he doin' in my section?

Annabelle

I guess he doesn't know.

Joey

Well, he's gonna. I'll see you a little later, ok? (To the Hombre Man) Hey, how ya doin'?

Hombre Man

Mornin'.

Joey

Listen, I know you're new, but it's kinda understood that everything from Young Men's to the escalator is my territory.

Hombre Man

Your territory, huh?

Joey

Yeah. Bijan for men?

Guy

No thanks.

Hombre Man

Hombre?

Guy

Yeah. All right. (They guy gets his sample and leaves.)

Hombre Man

(To Joey) You were saying?

Scene 4

Central Perk, Phoebe is there as Monica enters.

Monica

Phoebe, listen. You were with me, and we were shopping all day.

Phoebe

What?

Monica

We were shopping, and we had lunch.

Phoebe

Oh, all right. What did I have?

Monica

You had a salad.

Phoebe

Oh, no wonder I don't feel full.

Rachel

(entering) Hey, guys, what's up.

Phoebe

I went shopping with Monica all day, and I had a salad.

Rachel

Good, Pheebs. What'd you buy?

Phoebe

Um, we went shopping for um, for, fur.

Rachel

You went shopping for fur?

Phoebe

Yes, and then I realized I'm against that, and uh, so then we bought some, (sees Monica pointing at her chest) uh, boobs.

Rachel

You bought boobs?

Phoebe

(Monica is yanking on her bra strap) Bras! We bought bras! We bought bras.

Scene 5

The Department Store, Joey is trying to sell some cologne.

Joey

(to a guy) Bijan for men? (to a guy) Bijan for men? (To a woman) Bijan for... (Sees it's a woman and stops.) (To Annabelle who walks up.) Hey, Annabelle, Uh, listen, I was wondering if maybe after work you and I could go maybe grab a cup of coffee.

Annabelle

Oh, actually I sorta have plans.

Hombre Man

(entering) Ready, Annabelle?

Annabelle

You bet. (to Joey) Maybe some other time?

Joey

(To a co-worker) Hey, it's not the first time I lost a girl to a cowboy spraying cologne. (A customer walks by.) Bijan for men? (The customer ignores him, and Joey starts to chase him) Bijan for men?!

Scene 6

Monica and Rachel's, Carol is dropping Ben off for Ross to watch.

Carol

Ok, and this is Funny Clown. Funny Clown is only for after his naps, not before his naps or he won't sleep.

Ross

Carol, we've been through this before, ok? We have a good time. We laugh, we play. It's like we're father and son.

Susan

Honey, relax. Ross is great with him. (Ross looks at her.) Don't look so surprised. I'm a lovely person.

Rachel

Oh, this is so cute.

Susan

Oh, I got that for him.

Ross

My mommies love me. That's clever.

Monica

Hello? Oh, Hi, Ju-(Sees Rachel is watching)-Hi, Jew! (Walks into the kitchen.) (Listens.) Uh huh? (Listens.) Uh huh? (Listens) Ok. (Listens) Um, sure, that'd be great. See ya then. Bye. (Hangs up.)

Rachel

Did you just say Hi, Jew?

Monica

Yes. Uh, yes, I did. That was my friend, Eddie Moskowitz. Yeah, he likes it. Reaffirms his faith.

Scene 7

Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Rachel, and Joey are eating, and Phoebe is preparing Ben's milk.

Phoebe

Ben, dinner!

Ross

Thanks Aunt Pheebs. Hey, you didn't microwave that, did you, because it's breast milk, and you're not supposed to do that.

Phoebe

Duh, I think I know how to heat breast milk. Ok. (Squirts some on her wrist and tastes it.)

Chandler

What did you just do?

Phoebe

I licked my arm, what?

Ross

It's breast milk.

Phoebe

So?

Rachel

Phoebe, that is juice, squeezed from a person.

Joey

What is the big deal? (Tastes the breast milk.)

Chandler

What did you just do?

Ross

Ok, would people stop drinking the breast milk?

Phoebe

You won't even taste it?

Ross

No!

Phoebe

Not even if you just pretend that it's milk?

Ross

Not even if Carol's breast had a picture of a missing child on it.

Scene 8

Monica and Rachel's, time lapse. Rachel is entering the living room from her bedroom as Monica enters.

Monica

Hey, where is everybody?

Rachel

They took Ben to the park. Where've you been?

Monica

Just out. Had some lunch, just me, little quality time with me. Thanks for your jacket.

Rachel

Oh, no problem. You can borrow it, by the way. (Puts her hand in the pocket) Here are your keys, hon. (She takes the keys out, sets them on the counter, and notices she also grabbed a receipt.)

Monica

Okay.

Rachel

Mon, if uh you were at lunch alone, how come it cost you uh 53 dollars?

Monica

You know what probably happened? Someone musta stolen my credit card.

Rachel

And sorta just put the receipt back in your pocket?

Monica

That is an excellent excellent question. That is excellent.

Rachel

Monica, what is with you? Who'd you have lunch with?

Monica

Judy.

Rachel

Who?

Monica

Julie.

Rachel

What?!

Monica

Jody!

Rachel

You were with Julie?

Monica

Look, when it started I was just trying to be nice to her because she was my brother's girlfriend. And then, one thing led to another and, before I knew it, we were...shopping.

Rachel

Oh. Oh my God.

Monica

Honey, wait. We only did it once. It didn't mean anything to me.

Rachel

Yeah, right. Sure!

Monica

Really, Rachel, I was thinking of you the whole time. Look, I'm sorry, all right. I never meant for you to find out!

Rachel

Oh, please, you wanted to get caught. (Waves the receipt)

Monica

That is not true!

Rachel

Oh, so you just sort of happened to leave it in here?

Monica

Did it ever occur to you that I might just be that stupid?

Rachel

Ok, Monica. I just have to know one thing. Did you go with her to Bloomingdale's? (Monica looks away.) Oh! Ok, ok, ok, I just really, uh, I just really need to not be with you right now. (Exits.)

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Scene 9

Monica and Rachel's, Ben is playing in his crib while Chandler and Ross are leaning against the rim and are completely asleep.

Monica

(on the phone) Hi, who's this? (Listens) Hi, Joanne. Is Rachel working? It's Monica. (Listens) Yes, I know I did a horrible thing. (Listens) Joanne, it's not as simple as all that, ok? (Listens) No, I don't care what Steve thinks. (Listens) Hi, Steve.

(There's a knock on the door which is answered by Phoebe.)

Carol and Susan

Hey! (This wakes Chandler and Ross up)

Carol

How did we do?

Phoebe

Oh, I tasted Ben's milk, and Ross freaked out.

Ross

I did not freak out.

Carol

Why'd you freak out?

Ross

Because it's breast milk. It's gross.

Carol

My breast milk is gross?

Susan

This should be fun.

Ross

No, no, Carol. There's nothing wrong with it. I just, I just don't think breast milk is for adults.

Chandler

Of course the packaging does appeal to grown-ups and kids alike.

Carol

Ross, you're being silly. I've tried it, it's no big deal. Just taste it. (Holding out a bottle.)

Ross

(jumping away) That would be no.

Phoebe

Come on. It doesn't taste bad.

Joey

Yeah, it's kinda sweet, sorta like, uh...

Susan

Cantaloupe juice.

Joey

Exactly.

Ross

(staring at Susan) You've tasted it? You've tasted it.

Susan

Uh huh.

Ross

Oh, you've tasted it.

Susan

You can keep saying it, but it won't stop being true.

Ross

(he rolls up his sleeve) Gimme the bottle. (Joey hands him the bottle and Ross squirts some on his arm.) Gimme the towel. (Joey gives him the towel and he wipes it off.)

Scene 10

Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is wiping down the peninsula counter as Joey enters dressed like a cowboy.

Chandler

Howdy.

Joey

(sitting on the otherside of the counter from Chandler) Gimme a box a juice. Well, they switched me over to Hombre.

Chandler

Well, maybe it's because of the way you're dressed.

Joey

Or maybe it's because this guy's doing so good they wanna put more people on it. (Chandler pours some juice in a glass.) You should see this guy, Chandler, he goes through two bottles a day.

Chandler

(slides the juice across the counter which Joey catches) What do you care? You're an actor. This is your day job. This isn't supposed to mean anything to you.

Joey

I know, but, I was the best, you know? I liked being the best. (He downs the glass of juice in one swig.) I don't know. Maybe I should just get outta the game. They need guys up in housewares to serve cheese.

Chandler

(pours more and slides the refill to Joey) All right, say you do that. You know sooner or later somebody's gonna come along that slices a better cheddar. And then where're you gonna run?

Joey

Yeah I guess you're right.

Chandler

You're damn right I'm right. I say you show this guy what you're made of. I say you stand your ground. I say you show him that you are the baddest hombre west of the lingerie.

Joey

I'm gonna do it. (He downs the juice in one swig again.)

Chandler

All right. Now go see Miss Kitty and she'll fix you up with a nice hooker.

Scene 11

Outside Central Perk, Rachel is cleaning up and Monica is pleading with her.

Monica

I don't know what else to say.

Rachel

Well that works out good, because I'm not listening.

Monica

I feel terrible, I really do.

Rachel

Oh, I'm sorry, did my back hurt your knife?

Monica

Rachel, (they go back inside) say that I'm friends with her, we spend some time together. Is that so terrible?

Rachel

Yes.

Monica

It's that terrible?

Rachel

Yes. Monica, you don't get it. It's bad enough that she's stolen the guy who might actually be the person that I am supposed to be with, but now, she's actually (starting to cry), but now she's actually stealing you.

Monica

Me? What are you talking about? Nobody could steal me from you. I mean, just because I'm friends with her doesn't make me any less friends with you. I mean, (starting to cry) you're my...We're, we're...Oh, I love you.

Rachel

I love you too. (They hug.)

Phoebe

You guys, um I know that this really doesn't have anything to do with me, but um I love you guys too. (Joins in on the hug.) Oh, I really needed that. (Goes and sits down.)

Monica

Look, I know that you're in a place right now where you really need to hate Julie's guts, but she didn't do anything wrong. I mean, she was just a girl who met a guy, and now they go out. I really think that if you gave her a chance, you'd like her. Would you just give that a chance, for me?

Rachel

(crying) I'd do anything for you, you know that.

Monica

(crying) I'd do anything for you. (They hug again.)

Phoebe

Wait, wait, wait, wait! (Runs over and joins in on the hug again.)

Scene 12

The Department Store, Joey and the Hombre man are facing off in Joey's section.

Joey

Mornin'. (The Hombre man ignores him) I said, mornin'.

Hombre Man

I heard ya.

Store Guy

All right, everybody, I'm openin' the doors. You boys ready?

Hombre Man

Ready.

Joey

Yeah, I'm ready.

(An old West style showdown starts with Joey and the Hombre Man staring each other down as the store guy slowly lets in the first customer while Joey and the Hombre Man get ready to draw. In slow motion they spot the customer, eye each other, draw, and as the customer walks into the middle Joey's bottle misfires but the Hombre Man spays it into the customer's eyes.)

Customer

You idiot, you stupid cowboy, you blinded me, I'm suing!

Store Guy

Oh my god, Todd! What the hell did you do?

Hombre Man

I'm sorry. I am such a doofus. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

Annabelle

(seeing the end result) My god, what happened?

Joey

These new kids, they never last. Sooner or later, they all...stop lastin'. Listen, uh, what do you say I buy you that cup of coffee now?

Annabelle

Sure.

(They walk off into the sunset, at least a picture of one.)

Scene 13

Central Perk, Julie and Rachel are sitting on the couch.

Julie

So.

Rachel

So. I just thought the two of us should hang out for a bit. I mean, you know, we've never really talked. I guess you'd know that, being one of the two of us, though, right?

Julie

I know, I probably shouldn't even tell you this, but I'm pretty much totally intimidated by you.

Rachel

Really? Me?

Julie

Yes. Oh my god, are you kidding? Ross is so crazy about you, and I really wanted you to like me, and, it's probably me being totally paranoid, but I kinda got the feeling that maybe you don't.

Rachel

Well, you're not totally paranoid.

Julie

Oy.

Rachel

Um, ok, uh, oh god, um, when you and uh Ross first started going out, it was really hard for me, um, for many reasons, which I'm not gonna bore you with now, but um, I just, I see how happy he is, you know, and how good you guys are together, and um, Monica's always saying how nice you are, and god I hate it when she's right.

Julie

Thanks. Hey, listen, would you like to go to a movie sometime or something?

Rachel

Yeah, that'd be great. I'd love it.

Julie

I'd love it too. Shoot, I gotta go. So, I'll talk to you later.

Rachel

All right, Julie.

Julie

Bye. (Gets up.)

Rachel

Bye. (After Julie exits.) What a manipulative bitch.

CLOSING CREDITS

Scene 14

Monica and Rachel's, another showdown is occuring, only this time its between Ross, a plate of cookies, and the breast milk. They've been eyeing each other for a while now, and Chandler and Joey are getting bored. He checks his Ross and in frustration, shoves his watch in front of Ross's eyes as if saying, "Hurry it up already!" Finally, Ross scratches his head, does that again, itches his nose, scratches his head, grabs the bottle, takes a big swig, and piles several cookies into his mouth.

Ross

(with a mouthful) That's not bad.

END