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  •  /  Friends  /  S02E18 The One Where Dr. Remore Dies


    • new scene
    • Scene 1

      Monica and Rachel's apartment. Everyone except Ross is there watching Days of Our Lives.

    • AMBER
      Oh Drake.
    • DR. REMORE
      I'm sorry Amber. It's just like Brad to have to have the last word.
    • [Ross enters]
    • ross
    • Ross
      I'm sorry I'm late, what happened?
    • monica
    • Monica
      We, we just wanna see the end.
    • AMBER
      I want you Drake.
    • DR. REMORE
      I know you do but you and I can never be together that way.
    • AMBER
      What?
    • DR. REMORE
      There's something I never told you Amber. I'm actually your half- brother.
    • [Everyone gasps. The show ends.]
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      So what happens next?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Well, I get the medical award for separating the siamese twins. Then Amber and I go to Venezuela to meet our other half-brother, Ramone. And that's where I find the world's biggest emerald. It's really big but it's cursed.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      God that is good TV.
    • OPENING CREDITS
    • new scene
    • Scene 2

      Chandler and Eddie's apartment. Chandler is at the foosball table trying to get Phoebe to play a game with him.

    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Phoebs, play with meeee.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      No. This game is grotesque. Twenty armless guys joined at the waist by a steel bar, forced to play soccer forever. Ahh, hello, human-rights violation.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Ya know Phoebs, don't feel so bad for 'em. After they're done playing, I break out the little plastic women and everybody has a pretty good time.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Why don't you play with your roommate?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Ah he's a, he's not a big fan of foosball.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Uh oh, ooh, are we not getting along with the new boy?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      No he's, he's alright, just uh, he spends most of his time in his room.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Maybe that's because you haven't taken the time to get to know him. Let's remedy that, shall we?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      We don't need to remedy that.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh yeah, it'll be fun. [throws a tennis ball at Eddie's bedroom door]
    • Eddie
      What was that?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Hi, um, I just thought that it would be fun if the three of us had some beers and got to know each other.
    • Eddie
      Yeah alright, that sounds alright.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh good, ok. Oh nooo, I have to go because I'm late for my um, Green Eggs and Ham discussion group. Um tonight it's why he would not eat them on a train. Have fun bye.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      That was so lame.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      I know, yeah. Ok, talk to him. [leaves]
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      So, you uh, you think that Speed Racer guy gets a lot of tickets er?
    • new scene
    • Scene 3

      Chandler and Eddie's apartment. Chandler and Eddie are talking.

    • Eddie
      That's good, that's good. So, so, so who broke up with who?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      What're you kidding? I broke up with her. She actually thought that Sean Penn was the capital of Cambodia.
    • Eddie
      That's good man, when everybody knows that the uh, the capital of Cambodia is uh...
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Well it's not Sean Penn.
    • Eddie
      Not Sean Penn. Alright, I, I've got a funny one, alright. My last girlfriend Tilly. Ok, we're eating breakfast, right, and I made all these pancakes, there was like 50 pancakes right. And all of the sudden she turns to me, alright, and she says, 'Eddie.' I say, 'yeah,' she says, 'Eddie, I don't want to see you anymore.' And it was literally like she had reached into my chest, ripped out my heart, and smeared it all over my life, ya know. And now there's like this incredible abyss, ya know, and I'm falling and I keep falling and I don't think I'm ever gonna stop. [finishes laughing] That uh, wasn't such a funny story, was it?
    • new scene
    • Scene 4

      Central Perk. Phoebe is singing. Monica, Richard, Ross, and Rachel are listening.

    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      And a crusty old man said I'll do what I can and the rest of the rats played moroccas. That's it, thanks, good night.
    • Richard
      Phoebe's got another job, right?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Great set tonight Phoebs.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      I know.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Well, we should probably get going.
    • Richard
      Um, we should go too, I got patients at 8 in the moring.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Ya know, I was thinking. Ya know how we always stay at your apartment? Well, I thought maybe tonight we'd stay at my place.
    • Richard
      I don't know, I don't have my jammies.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Well, maybe you don't need them.
    • ross
    • Ross
      My baby sister, ladies and gentlemen.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Shut up, I'm happy.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh, this is so nice. Alright I have to make a speech. I just wanna say that of all the guys that Monica has been with, and that is a lot, I like you the best.
    • Richard
      Oh, thank you Phoebs. That's very sweet.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Ok.
    • Richard
      Hear that? She likes me best, and apparently there've been a lot.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Not a lot, Phoebe's kidding, Phoebe's crazy.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Phoebe's dead.
    • new scene
    • Scene 5

      Chandler and Eddie's apartment. Chandler is there. There's a knock at the door. He answers it to see a young woman holding a fishtank.

    • Tilly
      Hi.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Hi.
    • Tilly
      I'm looking for Eddie Minowick.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh, uh, he's not here right now, uh, I'm Chandler, can I take a message, or, or a fishtank?
    • Tilly
      Thanks.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh, oh, c'mon in.
    • Tilly
      I'm Tilly.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh.
    • Tilly
      I gather by that oh that he told you about me.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh yeah, your uh, name came up in a uh, conversation that terrified me to my very soul.
    • Tilly
      He's kind of intense huh?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yes. Hey, can I ask you, is Eddie a little...
    • Eddie
      [walks around corner] A little what?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Bit country? C'mon in here you roomie.
    • Eddie
      Hello Tilly.
    • Tilly
      Eddie, I just came by to drop off your tank.
    • Eddie
      That's very thoughtful of you. It's very thougtful.
    • Tilly
      Well, ok then. I'm gonna go. Bye.
    • Eddie
      Bye-bye.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Bye.
    • [Tilly leaves]
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      So, we gettin' a fish?
    • Eddie
      You had sex with her didn't you?
    • new scene
    • Scene 6

      Central Perk. Joey enters with several magazines and runs up to Phoebe.

    • joey
    • Joey
      Phoebs, check it out, check it out, check it out, check it out.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh, ooh, Soap Opera Digest, oh that's one of my favorite digests.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Page 42, page 42, page 42.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Ok, ok, ok. Ooh, hey 'new doc on the block, Days of Our Lives' Joey Tribbiani.' Ooh, cool picture.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Ooh, I look good.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Hey is this true, that you write a lot of your own lines?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Uh, well, kinda yeah. Like, remember last week when Alex was in the accident? Well the line in the script was, 'If we don't get this woman to a hospital, she's going to die.' But I made it, ' If this woman doesn't get to a hospital, she's not gonna live.'
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Ohh, ok, I see what you did there. Aren't you afraid though, that the writers are gonna be kinda mad when they read this?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Huh? Never really thought about the writers. The scripts just kinda come to my house. But you know what? This makes me look good, which makes the show look good, which makes the writers look good so how could they be mad about that?
    • new scene
    • Scene 7

      At a writer's desk. The writer is working on a script for Days of Our Lives.

    • Writer
      Makes up most of his lines. Son-of-a-. Yeah, well, write this jerkweed.
    • new scene
    • Scene 8

      Joey's apartment. The next script is being delivered.

    • joey
    • Joey
      I fall down an elevator shaft? What the hell does this mean, I fall down an elevator shaft?
    • Delivery Guy
      Uhh, I don't know, I just bring the scripts.
    • joey
    • Joey
      They can't kill me, I'm Francesca's long lost son.
    • Delivery Guy
      Right. Could you sign this?
    • joey
    • Joey
      No. No way, I'm not signing that.
    • Delivery Guy
      I don't think that's gonna affect the plot of the show.
    • joey
    • Joey
      How can they do this to me?
    • Delivery Guy
      Er, uh, I'm just gonna go. Sorry.
    • new scene
    • Scene 9

      Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica, Richard, Ross, and Rachel are returning.

    • monica
    • Monica
      Well it wasn't that many guys. I mean, if you consider how many guys there actually are, it's a very small percentage.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Hey, it's not that big a deal, I was just curious.
    • ross
    • Ross
      G'night.
    • Richard
      Night Richard. Good luck Mon.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Alright, before I tell you, uh, why don't you tell me how many women you've been with.
    • Richard
      Two.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Two? TWO? How is that possible? I mean, have you seen you?
    • Richard
      Well, I mean what can I say? I, I was married to Barbara for 30 years. She was my high school sweetheart, now you, that's two.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Two it is. Ok, time for bed, I'm gonna go brush my teeth. [goes in the bathroom]
    • Richard
      Woah, woah, no wait a minute now. C'mon it's your turn. Oh c'mon. Ya know, I don't need the actual number, just a ballpark.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Ok, it is definitely less than a ballpark.
    • [Rachel's bedroom]
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Wow, I am so glad I'm not Monica right now.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Tell me about it. So what, what's your magic number?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Uhhhooo.
    • ross
    • Ross
      C'mon, you know everyone I've been with. All, both of them.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Well, there's you.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Better not be doin' these in order.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ok, uh, Billy Dreskin, Pete Carney, Barry, and uh, oh, Paolo.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Oh yes, the weenie from Torrini.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh honey, are you jealous of Paolo? Oh, c'mon, I'm so much happier with you than I ever was with him.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Really?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh please. That Paolo thing was barely a relationship. All it really was was just, ya know, meaningless animal sex. Ok, ya know, that sounded soooo much better in my head.
    • new scene
    • Scene 10

      Chandler and Eddie's apartment.

    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Eddie, I didn't sleep with your ex-girlfriend.
    • Eddie
      That's very interesting, ya know, 'cause that's exactly what someone who slept with her would say.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      This is nuts. This is crazy. She came over for like two minutes, dropped off a fish tank, and left, end of story.
    • Eddie
      Where's Buddy?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Buddy?
    • Eddie
      My fish, Buddy.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      There was no fish when she dropped it off.
    • Eddie
      Oh, this is, this is unbelievable. I mean, first you sleep with my ex-girlfriend then you insult my inteligenct by lying about it and then you kill my fish, my Buddy?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Hey I didn't kill your fish. Look Eddie...[puts his hand on Eddie's shoulder] Would you look at what I'm doin' here. That can't be smart. So we're just gonna take this guy right off ya and put him here in Mr. Pocket. Tangellon? [picks up the fruit an tosses it to Eddie, it hits Eddie in the chest and falls]
    • new scene
    • Scene 11

      Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Richard are in Monica's bedroom.

    • Richard
      That's it? That's the giant number you were afraid to tell me?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Well yeah.
    • Richard
      Well, that's not bad at all. I mean, you had me thinkin it was like a fleet.
    • monica
    • Monica
      You really ok with it?
    • Richard
      Oh honey, I'm fine.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Oh, yay. Ok about that two.
    • Richard
      What? Alright, what about my two?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Well, it just seems like a really small number.
    • Richard
      Right, and...
    • monica
    • Monica
      And, well, don't you have a lot of wild oats to sew? Or is that what you're doing with me? Oh my God, am I an oat?
    • Richard
      Honey, you are not an oat. I, I mean I don't know, I, I guess I'm just not an oat guy. I've only slept with women I've been in love with.
    • monica
    • Monica
      But you've only slept with two people.
    • Richard
      Right.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Wow. Oh wow. You know I love you too, right.
    • Richard
      Now I do. [they kiss and fall to the bed]
    • [Ross and Rachel are in Rachel's bedroom]
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ross, Ross, please listen to me. Ross, you are so much better for me than Paolo ever was. I mean you care about me, you're loving, you make me laugh.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Oh, hey, if I make you laugh, here's an idea, why don't you invite Paulo over and have a little romp in the sack and I'll just stand in the corner and tell knock-knock jokes.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      God, Ross, look, what you and I have is special, all Paolo and I ever had was...
    • ross
    • Ross
      Animal sex, animal sex? So what're you saying, I mean, you're saying that like, there's nothing between us animal at all. I mean there's not even like, uhm, a little animal, not even, not even like, like chipmunk sex?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ok, Ross, try to hear me. Ok, I, hey, I'm not gonna lie to you. Ok, it was good with Paolo.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Knock-knock.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      But, what you and I have is so much better. Ok, we have tenderness, we have intimacy, we connect. Ya know, I swear, this is the best I have ever had.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Until now. [jumps on Rachel on the bed]
    • [later in the bathroom Monica is looking in the drawer, Rachel runs up]
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, hi.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Hi. Richard just told me he loves me.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh my God, honey that's great.
    • monica
    • Monica
      I know. I just can't find...
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh they're in the top drawer. Hurry.
    • monica
    • Monica
      You need one too?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ooooh yeah.
    • [they pull out the box of condoms but there's only one left]
    • monica
    • Monica
      There's only one.
    • Richard
      Monica.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Hi. Uh, we'll be right there, we're just trying to decide something. [shuts the bathroom door]
    • ross
    • Ross
      [comes out of the bedroom] Rachel. [growls then sees Richard standing there] Hey.
    • Richard
      Hey. They're just trying to decide somehting.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Good, good, good. So, is uh, was your moustache, did, used to be different?
    • Richard
      No.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Oh. How do you uh, ya know, keep it so neat?
    • Richard
      I have a little comb.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Oh. And what do you call that?
    • Richard
      A moustache comb.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ok, I, I will do your laundry for one month.
    • monica
    • Monica
      No.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ok, ok, ok, I will, I will, I, hey, I will clean the apartment for two months.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Alright, I tell you what, I'll give this to you now if you can tell me where we keep the dustpan.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Agghhh.
    • ross
    • Ross
      So were you in Nam?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Rock-paper-scissors?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Yeah.
    • monica
    • Monica
      One two three. [Rachel picks rock, Monica picks scissors]
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeesss.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Fine, go have sex.
    • Richard
      No. You have got it completely wrong. John Savage was deerhunter, no legs, John Voit was coming home, couldn't feel his legs.
    • ross
    • Ross
      No, no way. You've got it totally the other way around my friend. John Voit was...
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Honey.
    • ross
    • Ross
      What, what oh....[Ross and Rachel go into her room]
    • Richard
      Shall we?
    • monica
    • Monica
      It's not gonna happen. They're doing it tonight, we can do it tomorrow.
    • Richard
      Uh, in the future, if I could see the schedule beforehand...
    • new scene
    • Scene 12

      Monica and Rachel's apartment. All but Joey are present.

    • chandler
    • Chandler
      So, when I woke up this morning, he'd stolen all the insoles out of my shoes.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Why?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Because he thinks I slept with his ex-girlfriend and killed his fish.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Why would you kill his fish?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Because sometimes, Phoebe after you sleep with someone, you have to kill the fish.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Chandler honey, I'm sorry. Ok, can we watch Joey's show now please? [they turn on the TV]
    • ross
    • Ross
      Yeah.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Wait, he's not here yet.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      So, he's on the show, he knows what happens.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Yeah.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Alright.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh, I'm fine about my problem now, by the way.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh good.
    • DR. REMORE
      Amber, I want you to know that I'll always be there for you, as a friend and as your brother.
    • AMBER
      Oh Drake.
    • DR HORTON
      Hard day huh? First the medical award, this.
    • DR. REMORE
      Some guys are just lucky I guess.
    • INTERCOM
      Dr. Remore, report to first floor emergency, stat.
    • DR. REMORE
      Well then, uh, I uhh, guess that's me. Anyone else need to go on the elevator? Dr. Horton, Dr. Wong?
    • DR. HORTON
      No, no, they only said you.
    • DR. REMORE
      Oh, ok. Alright.
    • AMGER
      I love you Drake.
    • DR. REMORE
      Yeah, whatever. Oh no.
    • AMBER
      Drake, look out.
    • DR. REMORE
      Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Did they just kill off Joey?
    • ross
    • Ross
      No. [sound of Dr. Remore's body hitting the bottom of the shaft] Now maybe.
    • new scene
    • Scene 13

      Joey's apartment. Everyone is outside knocking.

    • ross
    • Ross
      C'mon.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Joey.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Open up. We want to talk to you.
    • joey
    • Joey
      I don't feel like talkin.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh c'mon Joey, we care about you.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      We're worried about you.
    • monica
    • Monica
      And some of us really have to pee.
    • [Joey opens the door]
    • monica
    • Monica
      Sorry Joey [runs to the bathroom]
    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Listen, sorry about your death, that really sucks.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      We came over as soon as we saw.
    • ross
    • Ross
      How could you not tell us?
    • joey
    • Joey
      I don't know, I was kinda hopin' no one would ever find out.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Well, maybe they can find a way to bring you back.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Naa, they said that when they found my body, my brain was so smashed in that the only doctor that could have saved me was me. Supposed to be some kind of irony or somethin.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      But Joey, you're gonna be fine. You don't need that show, it was just a dumb soap opera.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Phoebe, this was the greatest thing that ever happened to me.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Yes, I was going to incorporate that. Oh good, here's Monica, she'll have something nice to say.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Um, I straightened out your shower curtain so you won't get mildew. What? To me that's nice.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      It's gonna be ok. You know that?
    • joey
    • Joey
      No, I don't. It's like, ya know, you work your whole life for somethin' and you think that when you get it it's never gonna be as good as you thought it would be. But this so was. Ya know, it changed everything. Like the other day, I got this credit card application, and I was pre- approved. Huh? I've never been pre-approved for anything in my life.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      I'm sorry man.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah, Joey honey, I don't know if this'll mean anything to you but you'll always be pre-approved with us.
    • joey
    • Joey
      No, that means nothin to me.
    • new scene
    • Scene 14

      Chandler and Eddie's apartment.Chandler walks in to see Eddie holding a tray of cookies.

    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Uhhhaahh.
    • Eddie
      Pecan sandy, just made em.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yeah alright. What're these, raisins?
    • Eddie
      Uh, sure, why not.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      [throws it across the room while Eddie's not looking] Listen Eddie, um, I've been thinking about our current living situation and uh, why are you smiling?
    • Eddie
      I got a little surprise, look. There's a new fishie. I named him uh, Chandler, you know, after, after you.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      [looks in the fish bowl to see a fish cracker] Well that's not an, even a real fish. No, that's a goldfish cracker.
    • Eddie
      What's you point man?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Ok, good night. [walks towards his room] You big freak of nature.
    • CLOSING CREDITS
    • new scene
    • Scene 15

      Monica and Rachel's apartment.

    • [Ross comes out of Rachel's bedroom in her bathrobe and heads for the bathroom. On his way back, Richard comes out of Monica's bedroom in her bathrobe.]
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hey.
    • Richard
      Hey.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hey.
    • Richard
      Ohh, brisk tonight.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Oh man.
    • Richard
      Let's never speak of this.
    • ross
    • Ross
      You got it.
    • END