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  •  /  Friends  /  S02E09 The One With Phoebe's Dad


    • new scene
    • Scene 1

      Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica, Rachel, Ross, and Phoebe are there. Phoebe is looking out the window.

    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Ugly Naked Guy is decorating his tree. Oh my God, you should see the size of his Christmas Balls.
    • [Chandler and Joey enter.]
    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Hey.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Hey.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey, how much did you guys tip the super this year?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yeah, we were gonna give fifty, but if you guys gave more, we don't wanna look bad.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Oh, actually this year we just made him homemade cookies.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      And twenty-five it is.
    • joey
    • Joey
      You gave him cookies?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Money is so impersonal. Cookies says someone really cares. . . Alright, we're broke, but cookies do say that.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      I can see that. A plate of brownies once told me a limerick.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Phoebs, let me ask you something, were, were these, uh, funny brownies?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Not especially. But you know what, I think they had pot in them.
    • ross
    • Ross
      So you guys, who else did you tip with cookies?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Uhh, the mailman, the super.
    • [There's a bang at the door.]
    • monica
    • Monica
      Oh, and the newspaper delivery guy.
    • [Joey opens the door and picks up the remnants of the newspaper.]
    • joey
    • Joey
      Oh my God.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      What?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Uhhh, I don't think you're gonna like this.
    • [Joey shows them the torn-up newspaper.]
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ooh, goooosh, ooh, these are cookies smashed in the sports section.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Oh look, and he did my crossword puzzle.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Yeah, but not very well, unless 14-across, 'Gershwin musical' actually is bitemebitemebitemebiteme.
    • OPENING CREDITS
    • new scene
    • Scene 2

      Central Perk. Monica, Chandler, and Joey are seated at couches. Rachel is working behind the counter.

    • joey
    • Joey
      I can't believe it's Christmas already. Ya know, I mean, one day your eatin' turkey, the next thing ya know, your lords are a-leapin' and you geese are a-layin'.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Which is why geese are so relaxed this time of year.
    • [Ross enters with several bags from shopping.]
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hey guys.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey.
    • [Ross approaches Rachel at counter.]
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hey Rach. I, uh, got you a little present. [Rachel is not impressed]. . I'll open it. It's a Slinky! Remember, huh. [sings] Walks down stairs, alone or in pairs, everyone knows it's. . . just a big spring. Alright, you still mad at me becuase of the whole. . .
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Horrible and degrading list of reasons not to be with me?
    • ross
    • Ross
      How 'bout from now on we just call it the 'unfortunate incident'? [Rachel walks off] Hey Gunther, you got stairs in your place?
    • Gunther
      Yeah.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Here, go nuts. [gives him the Slinky and goes and sits with others at the couches]
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hey guys.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      What's in the bag?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Um, just some presents.
    • joey
    • Joey
      C'mon show us what you bought. . . You know you want to.
    • ross
    • Ross
      [childishly] OK. OK, this is a picture frame from Ben to my parents, huh.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Cute.
    • ross
    • Ross
      I got some, uh, hers and hers towels for Susan and Carol. And, uh, I got this blouse for mom.
    • [Ross holds up the blouse. It is extremely tacky, with sewn-on medals hanging off of it.]
    • monica
    • Monica
      Ross, that is gorgeous!
    • ross
    • Ross
      Yeah?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Look at these authentic fake medals. I tell ya, mom's gonna be voted best dressed at the make-believe military academy.
    • [Phoebe enters.]
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Hey.
    • Everyone
      Hey. Hi Phoebe.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Happy Christmas Eve Eve. [sees Ross's picture frame] Oh my God, where did you get this?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Uh, Macy's, third floor, home furnishings.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      This is my father, this is a picture of my dad.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Nah, Phoebs, that's the guy that comes in the frame.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      No it isn't, this is my dad, alright, I'll show you.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Phoebe, I thought your dad was in prison.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      No, that's my stepdad. My real dad's the one that ran out on us before I was born.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      How have you never been on Oprah?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      [showing her pictures] OK, look, see, this is him. My mother gave me this picture before she died, same guy.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Honey, uh, this is a picture of the frame guy posing in front of a bright blue screen with a collie.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      It's not a blue screen... it's just, maybe it was just really clear that day. OK, I have to talk to my grandmother. [turns to leave]
    • monica
    • Monica
      Oh, wait a minute honey.
    • Everyone
      Phoebs. [Phoebe leaves]
    • monica
    • Monica
      Wow.
    • joey
    • Joey
      So anyway, I'm trying to get my boss's ex-wife to sleep with me. . .
    • Everyone
      Joey!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Oh, but when Phoebe has a problem, everyone's all ears!
    • new scene
    • Scene 3

      Phoebe's grandmother's place. Phoebe's grandmother is sitting at the table, reading the obituaries, and crossing out names in the phonebook.

    • Grandmother
      Esther Livingston. [scratches out name] Gone.
    • [Phoebe enters.]
    • Grandmother
      Hi, Phoe.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Hi Gram. Whatcha doin'?
    • Grandmother
      Oh, just updating the phonebook.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Um, gram, um, can I see the pictures of my dad again?
    • Grandmother
      [nervously] Oh. Oh, sure, sure, uh, uh, how come?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Just, you know, to see... um.
    • Grandmother
      Oh, sure, yeah. [gets a box with the pictures] This is the one of you father in a meadow, and, uh, helping a little boy fly a kite, and here he is at a graduation. . . another graduation. . . another graduation.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      OK, is this really my father?
    • Grandmother
      Is it really your fa--I can't... well of course it is.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      OK, I smell smoke. Maybe that's 'cause someone's pants are on fire.
    • Grandmother
      Look, I. . .
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Ya know, in all the years that we have been grandmother and granddaughter, you have never lied to me.
    • Grandmother
      Alright, that is not your father, that's just a picture of a guy in a frame.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh God.
    • Grandmother
      It was your mother's idea. Ya know, she didn't want you to know your real father because it hurt her so much when he left, and, I didn't want to go along with it, but, well then she died and, and it was harder to argue with her. Not impossible, but harder.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Alright, so, what, he's not a famous tree surgeon? And then, I guess, OK, he doesn't live in a hut in Burma where there's no phones?
    • Grandmother
      Last I heard, he was a pharmacist somewhere upstate.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      OK, that makes no sense. Why would the villagers worship a pharmacist?
    • Grandmother
      Honey.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      [realizes] Oh.
    • Grandmother
      Anyway, that's all I know. That, and this. [pulls apart a frame and pulls a picture out] This is the real him.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh.
    • new scene
    • Scene 4

      Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel, Chandler, and Joey are decorating the Christmas tree.

    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Ya know I remember my father, all dressed up in the red suit, the big black boots, and the patent leather belt, sneakin around downstairs. He didn't want anybody to see him but he'd be drunk so he'd stumble, crash into something and wake everybody up.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Well, that doesn't sound like a very merry Christmas.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Who said anything about Christmas?
    • [Monica and Ross enter.]
    • monica
    • Monica
      Hi.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hey, anyone hear from Phoebe yet?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      No, nothin'.
    • monica
    • Monica
      I hope she's OK.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah, I know exactly what she's goin' through.
    • monica
    • Monica
      How do you know exactly what she's going through?
    • joey
    • Joey
      She told us.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      So whaddya got there Monica?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Just some stuff for the party.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Yeah, what're you guys doin' here, aren't you supposed to be Christmas shopping?
    • monica
    • Monica
      You guys haven't gotten your presents yet? Tomorrow's Christmas Eve, what're ya gonna do?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Don't you have to be Claymation to say stuff like that?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, by the way Mon, I don't think the mailman liked your cookies. Here are the ornaments your mom sent. [hands her a smashed box]
    • monica
    • Monica
      Well, maybe the mailman liked the cookies, we just didn't give him enough.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Monica, pigeons learn faster that you.
    • [Ross approaches Rachel, away from everyone else.]
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hey, Rach, you know what? I think, I think I know what'll make you feel better. How 'bout you make a list about me.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Wha... forget it Ross, no, I am not gonna stand here and make a list of. . .
    • ross
    • Ross
      C'mon Rachel.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      OK, you're whiney, you are, you're obsessive, you are insecure, you're, you're gutless, you know, you don't ever, you don't just sort of seize the day, you know. You like me for what, a year, you didn't do anything about it. And, uh, oh, you wear too much of that gel in your hair.
    • ross
    • Ross
      See there, you uhh, alright, ya, you did what I said.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah, and you know what? You're right, I do feel better, thank you Ross. [she walks off and Ross puts his hand to his hair]
    • new scene
    • Scene 5

      Back at Phoebe's. She is on the phone

    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Yeah, um, in Albany, can I have the number of Frank Buffay. . . OK, um, in Ithica. . . alright, um, Saratoga. . . Oneonta. Alright, you know what, you shouldn't call youself information. [hangs up]
    • [Phoebe's grandmother enters]
    • Grandmother
      Hey.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Hello grandma, if that is in fact your real name.
    • Grandmother
      C'mon now Phoe, don't still be mad at me. How's it going?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Well, not so good. Upstate's pretty big, he's pretty small, you do the math.
    • Grandmother
      Well, I think you're better off without him. Oh honey, I know he's your daddy but, but to me he's still the irresponsible creep who knocked up your mom and stole her Gremlin.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      No I just, just wanted to know who he was, ya know.
    • Grandmother
      I know. OK, I wasn't completely honest with you when I told you that, uh, I didn't know exactly where he lived.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Whattaya mean?
    • Grandmother
      He lives at 74 Laurel Drive in Middletown. If you hit the Dairy Queen, you've gone too far. You can take my cab.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Wow. Thank you.
    • Grandmother
      Now, remember, nobody else drives that cab.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Uh-huh, got it. Ooh, I'm gonna see my dad. Wish me luck, Grandpa! [blows a kiss to a picture of Einstein]
    • Commercial
    • new scene
    • Scene 6

      Chandler is standing on a street corner waiting for Phoebe in the cab. Joey walks up.

    • joey
    • Joey
      Phoebe here with the cab yet?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yeah, she, she brought the invisible cab. . . hop in.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Well she better get here soon, the outlet stores close at 7.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Hey, don't worry. I figure it'll be 2 hours to Phoebe's dad's house, they'll meet, they'll chat, they'll swap life stories, we'll still have plenty of time.
    • [Phoebe drives up in the cab]
    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey, here she comes.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Hey.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey.
    • [Phoebe runs over the curb. Joey gets in the back seat, Chandler in the front]
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Hey.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Can you believe this. In, like, two hours I'm gonna have a dad. Eeeshk.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Eeeshk.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah, big stuff.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      OK, let's go.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      OK.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Alright, here, you have to hold this. [hands Chandler a piece of paper]
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      OK. [reads paper] Brake left, gas right?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Uh-huh, yeah, that's my cheat sheet.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      [grabs for seat belt] Where's my seat belt?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh, no no, that side doesn't have one, the paramedics had to cut through it. [Chandler jumps out of the car]
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      [Chandler gets in the back seat] Hey!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey. [Phoebe takes off, Joey and Chandler are thrown back in the seat]
    • new scene
    • Scene 7

      Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica is preparing for the party with Ross questioning her.

    • ross
    • Ross
      C'mon, just tell me, please, please.
    • monica
    • Monica
      For the sixteenth time, no... I do not think you're obsessive.
    • [Rachel enters from her room]
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, gosh, it's hot in here.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Rach, get the heat. [Rachel holds up her hand with wet fingernail polish] Ross, could you turn the heat down please?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Sure. By the way, there's a difference between being obsessive and. . .
    • monica
    • Monica
      Ross, the heat!
    • ross
    • Ross
      Fine, OK! Heat, heat, heat, and I'm the obsessive one. [goes to the radiator and starts turning the knob] OK, this way is on, so this is. . . [breaks off the knob] off.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Did you just break the radiator?
    • ross
    • Ross
      No, no, I was turnin' the knob and, and. . . here it is.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Well put it back.
    • ross
    • Ross
      It uhh, it won't go back.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      I'll call the super.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Here, let me try.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Oh, oh that's right, I forgot about your ability to fuse metal.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Hey, it's Funny's cousin, Not Funny.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      [on phone] Hi, Mr. Treeger. Hi, it's Rachel Green from upstairs. Yes, somebody, uh, broke our knob on the radiator and it's really hot in here. Yes, it's, it's hot enough to bake cookies. Well, do you think we could have a new one by 6? Wha t, no, no, Tuesday, we can't wait until Tuesday, we're having a party tonight.
    • ross
    • Ross
      OK, tip the man.
    • monica
    • Monica
      No, if he doesn't like our cookies, too bad, I am not gonna be blackmailed. Look if worse comes to worse, it gets a little warm, we'll call it a theme party.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hey, here's a theme: Come on in, live like bacon.
    • new scene
    • Scene 8

      Outside Phoebe's dad's house. The cab pulls up.

    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Ooh, this is it, 74. [screeches to a halt, Joey and Chandler are thrown into the plexiglass wall in the cab]
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh, so that's what this is for.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Wow, this is it, I'm gonna meet my dad. This is like the biggest thing ever, huh.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yeah.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Sure is.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      OK, here I go. I'm goin' in.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Alright.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Good luck Phoebs.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      OK, here I go. . . here I go. . . I'm goin'. [she just sits in the cab]
    • new scene
    • Scene 9

      Monica and Rachel's apartment. They are having their party. All the guests are stripped down because of the heat.

    • rachel
    • Rachel
      [answers door] Hi, welcome to our tropical Christmas party. You can put your coats and sweaters and pants and shirts in the bedroom.
    • ross
    • Ross
      [sitting at table talking to a girl] It's hard to tell because I'm sweating, but I use exactly what the gel bottle says, an amount about the size of a pea. How, how can that be too much?
    • monica
    • Monica
      [carrying an ice cube tray] Ice, ice, ice squares anyone? Take a napkin. Alright.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Monica, Monica, your guest are turning into jerky, OK.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Really? I'm perfectly comfortable. [one of the guest opens the refrigerator] Hey, hey, hey, get in line buddy, I was next. [she opens the refrigerator and leans into it]
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      [answering the door] Mr. Treeger.
    • Mr. Treeger
      Uhh, you said there was a party.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, yeah, well hey, welcome to our sauna.
    • Mr. Treeger
      Ahh, is it hot? My body always stays cool, probably 'cause I have so much skin. Hey, cheese!
    • [Ross is speaking to Monica and Rachel about tipping the super.]
    • ross
    • Ross
      Alright, alright, here's the chance. Monica give him cash, Rachel give him your earrings. Something, now, anything.
    • monica
    • Monica
      No, I will not cave.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah, I'm with Mon.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Alright, alright, you know how you say I never seize the day? Well, alright, even though he's your super, I'm seizing. [approaches Mr. Treeger] Mr. Treeger, here is 50 bucks, merry Christmas.
    • [Gives him the cash.]
    • Mr. Treeger
      Oh wow, I didn't get you anything. Here's five back.
    • ross
    • Ross
      No no, no, that, that's your Christmas tip, alright. Oh, hey, do you think there's a chance you could fix that radiator now?
    • Mr. Treeger
      No can do, like I told the girl, I can't get a new knob until Thursday.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Ross.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Yeah.
    • monica
    • Monica
      [to Ross] Looks like he's playin' baseball.
    • ross
    • Ross
      You mean hardball?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Whatever.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      What'cha gonna' do?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Excuse me, I'm seizing. Mr. Treeger, here's another 50, happy Hanukkah. Will uh, will this help with the knob getting?
    • Mr. Treeger
      No, the place is not open 'till Tuesday. Am I not saying it right.
    • monica
    • Monica
      So, wait, you really did like my cookies?
    • Mr. Treeger
      Oh, yeah, they were so personal, really showed you cared.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Nice seizing. . . gel boy.
    • Mr. Treeger
      [to Rachel who is standing under mistletoe] So, uh, is this, uh, mistletoe?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Huh-huh, no act--no, uhh, that, that is basil.
    • Mr. Treeger
      Ahh, if it was mistletoe, I was gonna kiss ya.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Huh-hoo, yeah, no, it's still basil.
    • new scene
    • Scene 10

      Outside Phoebe's dad's house. Phoebe is running back to the cab.

    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      OK.
    • joey
    • Joey
      How far'd ya get?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Mailbox.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Alright, we're gettin' closer.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Uh-huh.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Phoebs, what's goin' on?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      No, it's just like, ya know, it's a whole mess of stuff, ya know. It's like, yesterday, ya know, my dad was this, like, famous Burma tree surgeon guy and, ya know, now he's a, a pharmacist guy and. . .
    • joey
    • Joey
      Well, maybe he's, maybe he's this really cool pharmacist guy.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Yeah, maybe, yeah. You know, and, and I'll knock on the door and, and he'll hug me and I'll have a dad. Ya know and I'll, I'll go to his pharmacy and everyone will be really nice to me 'cause, you know, I'm Franks daughter.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Well, so why not go knock?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Well, 'cause, I mean, what if, what if he's not this great dad guy? I mean, what if, what if he's just still the dirtbag who ran out on my mom and us? You know what? I've already lost a fake dad this week and I don't think I'm ready to lose a real one.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Phoebs, that's OK. You took a big step today.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Yeah?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yeah, and someday when you're ready, you'll make it past the hedges.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah, and when you do, he'll be lucky to have you.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      You guys. I'm sorry about your shopping.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh, that's OK, we'll figure something out.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Uh, listen Phoebs, I know you're not goin' in there but do you think it'd be alright if I went in and used his bathroom? Oh, that's fine, never mind. Cool, snow, kinda like a blank canvas.
    • new scene
    • Scene 11

      Monica and Rachel's apartment. Ross, Monica, and Rachel are sitting around after the party. Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe enter.

    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Ho, ho, ho, holy crap is it hot in here!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Really, hey, you mind if I turn the heat down?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Hey, we could have used that kind of thinkin' earlier.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hey, Phoebs, how'd it go.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh, I couldn't go in.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Honey, I'm sorry.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Are you OK?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Yeah, yeah, no it's OK 'cause, I mean, I know he's there, so, that's enough for now.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Hey, guys, it's after midnight, merry Christmas everyone. [Ross and Phoebe hug, Monica and Rachel hug, Chandler is left standing]
    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey, Monica, the knob was broken so I just turned it off from underneath, I hope that's alright.
    • CLOSING CREDITS
    • new scene
    • Scene 12

      Monica and Rachel's apartment. Joey and Chandler are giving out their Christmas presents out of a cardboard box from a case of motor oil.

    • joey
    • Joey
      Rach, these are for you.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Wiper blades. I don't even have a car.
    • joey
    • Joey
      No, but with this new car smell, you'll think you do.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      OK, Phoebs, your turn.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Ahh, toilet seat covers! Is that what you were doing while I was getting gas?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Uh-huh.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      You guuuyys.
    • joey
    • Joey
      And for Ross, Mr. Sweet-tooth.
    • ross
    • Ross
      You got me a cola drink?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      And, a lemon lime.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Well this, this is too much, I feel like I should get you another sweater.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      And last but not least.
    • [Chandler and Joey give Monica a pack of condoms.]
    • joey
    • Joey
      They're ribbed for your pleasure.
    • [Ross and Monica trade their gifts.]
    • END