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  •  /  Friends  /  S02E22 The One With the Two Parties


    • new scene
    • Scene 1

      Moondance Diner. Ross, Phoebe, Joey, and Chandler are sitting at the counter, Monica is working. Monica is wearing her costume, including big fake breasts.

    • monica
    • Monica
      So, I'll get candles and my mom's lace tablecloth, and since it's Rachel's birthday, I mean, we want it to be special, I thought I'd poach a salmon.
    • Everyone
      Ohhh.
    • monica
    • Monica
      What?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Question. Why do we always have to have parties where you poach things?
    • monica
    • Monica
      You wanna be in charge of the food committee?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Question two. Why do we always have to have parties with committees?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Really. Why can't we just get some pizzas and get some beers and have fun?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Yeah.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Yeah, I agree. Ya know, I think fancy parties are only fun if you're fancy on the inside and I'm just not sure we are.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Alright. If you guys don't want it to be special, fine. You can throw any kind of party you want.
    • [Joey is staring at Monica's breasts]
    • monica
    • Monica
      Joey they're not real. I start miles beneath the surface of these things, ok, they're fake. See [squeezes her breast] honk honk.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Wow, it's, it's like porno for clowns.
    • OPENING CREDITS
    • new scene
    • Scene 2

      Central Perk. Chandler, Ross, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica are planning Rache's birthday party.

    • ross
    • Ross
      I talked to Rachel's sisters, neither of them can come.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Ok, um so, I still have to invite Dillon and Emma and Shannon Cooper.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Woah, woah, woah, uh, no Shannon Cooper.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Why not her?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Cause she uh, she steals stuff.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Or maybe she doesn't steal stuff and Joey just slept with her and never called her back.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Joey that is horriable.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey I liked her, alright. Maybe, maybe too much. I don't know I guess I just got scared.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      I'm sorry, I didn't know.
    • joey
    • Joey
      I didn't think anyone'd buy that, ok.
    • [Rachel enters]
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hi honey, how did it go?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Agh, it was the graduation from hell.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Ya know, my cousin went to hell on a football scholarship.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ya know, I mean this is supposed to be a joyous occasion. My sister's graduating from college, nobody thought she would. It's a true testament to what a girl from long island would do for a Celica.
    • monica
    • Monica
      So what happened?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      My parents happened. All they had to do was sit in the same stadium, smile proudly, and not talk about the divorce. But nooo, they got into a huge fight in the middle of the commencement address. Bishop Tutu actually had to stop and shush them. But you know what, you know what the good news is? I get to serve coffee for the next 8 hours.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Ok, so I guess we don't invite her parents.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Well, how bout just her mom?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Why her mom?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Cause I already invited her.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Ooh, ooh, did you ask Stacy Roth?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Oh no, can't invite her. She also steals.
    • new scene
    • Scene 3

      Monica and Rachel's apartment. Chandler, Joey, Monica, and Phoebe are setting up for the party.

    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Ok, here are the birthday candles. Where's the birthday cake?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Ok, we're not having birthday cake, we're having birthday flan.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Excuse me?
    • monica
    • Monica
      It's a traditional Mexican custard dessert.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Oh that's nice. Happy birthday Rachel, here's some goo.
    • [knock at the door]
    • monica
    • Monica
      [answers the door] Dr. Greene. Oh my God it's Rachel's dad. What're you doing here?
    • Mr. Green
      What? The father can't drop by to see the daughter on her birthday?
    • monica
    • Monica
      No no, the father can, but um, since I am the roommate I can tell you that she's not here and I'll pass along the message, ok. So bye-bye.
    • Mr. Green
      Ohhh, you're having a parteee.
    • monica
    • Monica
      No, no, not a party. Just a surprise gathering of some people Rachel knows. Um, this is Phoebe and Chandler and Joey.
    • Mr. Green
      I'll never remember all of that. So uh, what's the deal? Rachel comes home, people pop out and yell stuff, is that it?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      This isn't your first surprise party, is it sir?
    • [knock at the door, Monica answers to see Mrs. Greene]
    • Mrs. Green
      Hi Monica.
    • [Monica slams the door back shut]
    • monica
    • Monica
      Chinese menu guy. Forgot the menus.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      So, basically just a Chinese guy.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Uh, hey, Dr. Greene, why don't you come with me, we'll put your jacket on Rachel's bed.
    • Mr. Green
      Alright, that sounds like a two person job. [they walk into Rachel's bedroom]
    • Mrs. Green
      Well, my goodness, what was that?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Sandra, I am so sorry, I thought you were Rachel and we just weren't ready for you yet.
    • Mrs. Green
      You thought I was Rachel?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yes because uh, you look so young.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      And because you're both, you know, white women.
    • Mrs. Green
      Oh, I missed you kids. Well, should I put my coat in the bedroom?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      NO! No, I'll take that for ya.
    • Mrs. Green
      Oh well thank you. Such a gentleman. Thank you. [Chandler takes the hot pink coat and grimaces at it] Ahh, it all looks so nice, so festive, all the balloons... [Chandler, remembering that Joey and Mr. Greene are in the bedroom, throws her coat in a cupboard] The funniest thing happened to me on the way here. I was...[Joey peeks out]
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      [cutting Mrs. Greene off] Ha-ha, that's great, ha-ha. I can't wait to hear the rest of it, ya know, but I really have to go to the bathroom so... Hey, come with me. Yeah, yeah, it'll be like we're gal pals, ya know, like at a restraunt. Oh, it'll be fun, c'mon. [they go in the bathroom]
    • monica
    • Monica
      Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Ok, think, what would Jack and Chrissy do?
    • joey
    • Joey
      [peeks back out] Ok, now that your coat is safely in the bedr-, [sees that the coast is clear] oh, ok we can come back out in the living room.
    • monica
    • Monica
      So uh, Joey and Chanlder, I, I think it's time that you take Dr. Greene over to your place.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Uhh, yes, absdolutely, um. Why again?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Because that's where the party is you goon. See this is just the staging area.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Right this is staging.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yeah, this more than anything else, is the staging area.
    • joey
    • Joey
      [as they're walking out, Dr. Greene questioningly gestures at the Happy Birthday sign over the door] This is clearly in the wrong apartment. [they all walk across the hall]
    • new scene
    • Scene 4

      Later on in the hallway between the apartments. Chandler is showing people to the parties.

    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Alright you guys are off to party number one [ushers 3 guys into Monica's apartment] and you, you are off to party number two [ushers four women into his apartment. Two guys try to follow and Chandler blocks them and shoos them off to Monica's apartment] Alright fellas, let's keep it movin', let' keep it movin.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Chandler could you at least send some women to my party? [buzzer goes off] Alright that's Ross.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Ok, they're coming, shhh. [Runs into Monica's apartment and grabs one last girl to take to his apartment]
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ohh, thank you for the wonderful dinner.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Thanks for being born.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ohh, thank you for my beautiul earrings, they're perfect. I love you.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Oh, now you can exchange them if you want, ok.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Now I love you even more.
    • [they kiss and Ross backs her into her apartment and turns on the lights]
    • Everyone
      Surprise.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh my gosh, wow. Monica. Oh my god. Mom. This is so great.
    • Mrs. Green
      Happy birthday sweetie.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Wow you, you. I had no idea.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Really?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      No, I knew.
    • ross
    • Ross
      All right.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Ok, everybody, there's food and drinks on the table. Go across the hall.
    • ross
    • Ross
      What?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      What?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Right now, Joey and Chandler's, go now.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Why.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Just go.
    • [they walk across the hall]
    • Everyone
      Surprise.
    • Mr. Green
      Happy birthday sweetpea.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Daddy.
    • [Ad break. Time lapse. Still at party at Chandler and Joey's. Rachel is talking to Chandler and Ross.]
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Both of them are here, both of them, both of them are here?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Well, we could count again.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      I can't believe this is happening.
    • ross
    • Ross
      You know what, this is ridiculous, ok. This is your birthday, this is your party. I say we just put 'em all together and if they can't deal with it, who cares.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      I do.
    • ross
    • Ross
      That's who.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Look, are you gonna be ok?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Well, I have to be, I don't really have a choice, I mean, you know, I could look at the bright side, I get two birthday parties and two birthday cakes.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Well, actually just one birthday flan.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      What?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      It's a traditional Mexican custard dessert...Look talk to Monica, she's on the food committee.
    • [Time lapse. Chandler runs out of the bathroom.]
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Joey, Joey. Hey, some girl just walked up to me and said, 'I want you Dennis,' and stuck her tounge down my throat. I love this party.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Quick volleyball question.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Volleyball.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah, we set up a court in your room. Uh, you didn't really like that grey lamp, did you?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Joey, a woman just stuck her tounge down my throat, I'm not even listening to you.
    • Girl's voice
      Dennis.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Ok, that's me. [runs back]
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Listen honey, can you keep dad occupied, I'm gonna go talk to mom for a while.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Ok, do you have any ideas for any openers?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Uhh, let's just stay clear of 'I'm the guy that's doing you daughter' and you should be ok.
    • [Back in Monica's party]
    • monica
    • Monica
      Ok people, I want you to take a piece of paper, here you go, and write down your most embarassing memory. Oh, and I do ask that when you're not using the markers, you put the caps back on them because they will dry out.
    • [Back in Chandler and Joey's party]
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hi Dr. Greene. So, uh, how's everything in the uh, vascular surgery....game?
    • Mr. Green
      It's not a game Ross, a woman died on my table today.
    • ross
    • Ross
      I'm sorry. See that's the good thing about my job. All the dinosaurs on my table are already dead.
    • [Back in Monica's party]
    • monica
    • Monica
      Listen you guys, I don't mean to be a pain about this but, um, I've noticed that some of you are just placing them on. You wanna push the caps until you hear them click. [she demonstrates, Gunther starts to walk to the door] Gunther, where're you going?
    • Gunther
      I um, was sorta thinking about maybe...
    • monica
    • Monica
      No. No you can't go. No this is fun. Come on we're just getting started. Here, here's your marker.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Listen if you wanna go, just go.
    • GUNTER
      No, she'll yell at me again.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Alright, I can get you out.
    • Gunther
      What?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Shh. In a minute, I'm gonna create a diversion. When I do, walk quickly to the door and don't look back.
    • [Back at Chandler and Joey's party]
    • Mr. Green
      I think I need a drink.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Oh, here, I, I'll get it for ya. Whad'ya want?
    • Mr. Green
      Scotch.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Scotch. Alright, I'll be back in 10 seconds with your scotch on the rocks in a glass.
    • Mr. Green
      Neat.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Cool.
    • Mr. Green
      No no no, no no no, neat, as in no rocks.
    • ross
    • Ross
      I know.
    • [Back at Monica's party]
    • Mr. Green
      Oh hello Ross, where have you been?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hi. Uh, I have been in the bathroom. Stay clear of the salmon mousse.
    • Mrs. Green
      Oh, scotch neat. Ya know, that's Rachel's father's drink.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Oh, mine too. Isn't that neat, scotch neat. Would you excuse me? [walks out in the hallway, Mr. Greene is walking out of Chandler and Joey's apartment] Hey, hey, where you uh, sneakin off to mister?
    • Mr. Green
      I'm getting my cigarettes out of my jacket.
    • ross
    • Ross
      No. no.
    • Mr. Green
      Whad'ya mean no?
    • ross
    • Ross
      No, um, see 'cause that, that is, that is the staging area. If you go in there, it'll ruin the whole illusion of the party. Yeah, I think you take your scotch back in there and I will get your cigarettes for you sir.
    • Mr. Green
      Get my glasses too.
    • ross
    • Ross
      All righty roo. [closes the door] What a great moment to say that for the first time. [goes to get the cigarettes and glasses]
    • monica
    • Monica
      Ok, the first person's most embarassing memory is, 'Monica, your party sucks.' Very funny.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh no, ooh, ooh, did somebody forget to use a coaster?
    • monica
    • Monica
      What? [she runs over to where Phoebe is, Phoebe signals for Gunther to go] I don't see anything.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Great, I'm seeing water rings again.
    • Mr. Geller
    • Mrs. Geller
      Ross, whose glasses are those?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Mine.
    • Mrs. Green
      You wear bi-focals?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Um-hmm. [puts them on] I have a condition, apparently, that I require two different sets of focals.
    • Mrs. Green
      Did you know my husband has glasses just like that?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Well those are very popular frames.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Neil Sedaka wears them.
    • Guy
      [to Phoebe] I hear you can get people out of here.
    • Mrs. Green
      Rachel, you didn't tell me your boyfriend smoked.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah, like a chimney.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Ohh, big smoker. [Packs the cigarettes and flings one on Mrs. Greene in the process. Finally gets one in his mouth and it look really out of place] Big big smoker. In fact I'm gonna go ou into the hallway and fire up this bad boy. [as he walks into the hall, he comes face to face with Mr. Greene]
    • Mr. Green
      Are you wearing my glasses?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Yes. [pulls them off and hands them to Mr. Greene] I was just warming up the earpieces for you.
    • Mr. Green
      Thank you. Is that one of my cigarettes?
    • ross
    • Ross
      [pulls the cigarette off his upper lip and hands it to Mr. Greene] Yeah, yes it is, I was just moistening the tip.
    • [Back in Monica's party. Phoebe is talking to a guy and two girls at the party.]
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Ok, ok, she's taking the trash out so I can get you out of here but it has to be now, she'll be back any minute.
    • Girl 1
      What about my friend Victor?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      No, only the three of you, any more than that and she'll get suspicious.
    • Girl 1
      Alright, let me just get my coat.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      There isn't time. You must leave everything. They'll take care of you next door.
    • Girl 1
      Is it true they have beer?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Everything you've heard is true.
    • [Back at Chandler and Joey's party. Everyone is dancing and having fun.]
    • monica
    • Monica
      Could you guys please try to keep it down, we're trying to start a Boggle tournament.
    • [Chandler and Joey stop dancing and laugh at her]
    • monica
    • Monica
      You, and you, you're supposed to be at my party. And Gunther! What are you doing here?
    • Gunther
      Um [gestures to dance floor]
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      [enters with the three people she got out] Ok, welcome to the fu-oh.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Phoebe.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Alright, I'm sorry but these people needed me. They work hard all week, it's Saturday night, they deserve to have a little fun. Go.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Ya know, my party is fun. I mean, maybe it's a little quieter, less obvious sorta fun but, you know, if people would just give it a chance... [volleyball hits her in the head from behind]
    • [Back at Monica's party]
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      You want me to see a therapist?
    • Mrs. Green
      Sweetheart, you obviously have a problem. You've chosen a boyfriend exactly like your father.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ok mom, you know what, fine, I'll make an appointment ok, but you know what, right now, I gotta go, I gotta go do a thing.
    • [Chandler and Joey's party]
    • Mr. Green
      Did you know your mother spent $1200 dollars on bansai trees. I felt like Gulliver around that place.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Daddy, daddy, you know what, I really wanna hear more about this, I really do, but I just have, I just have to do a, some stuff.
    • [Monica's party]
    • Mrs. Green
      You work and you work and you work at a marriage but all he cares about is his stupid boat.
    • [Chandler and Joey's party]
    • Mr. Green
      You work and you work and you work on a boat...
    • Mrs. Green
      He always ridiculed my pottery classs...
    • Mr. Green
      ...and you sand it and you varnish it...
    • Mrs. Green
      ...but when all is said and done, he still drinks out of the mugs.
    • Mr. Green
      ...and her yoga and her Bridges of Madison County...
    • Mrs. Green
      ...the scotch and the cigarettes...
    • Mr. Green
      ...and the bansai's and the chiuaua...
    • Mrs. Green
      ...I may have only been in therapy for three weeks now dear but...
    • Mr. Green
      ...what the hell does she want with half a boat...
    • new scene
    • Scene 5

      The hallway after the party. Rachel is sitting there.

    • chandler
    • Chandler
      [running out of his apartment after a girl] Ok, ok, you can be shirts and I'll be skins. I'll be skins. [sits down beside Rachel] Hey, how you holdin' up there, tiger? Oh, sorry, when my parents were getting divorced I got a lot of tigers. Got a lot of champs, chiefs, sports, I even got a governor.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      This is it, isn't it? I mean, this is what my life is gonna be like. My mom there, my dad there. Thanksgiving, Christmas. She gets the house, he's in some condo my sister's gonna decorate with wicker. Oh, Chandler how did you get through this?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Well, I relied on a carefully regimented program of denial and, and wetting the bed.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ya know, I just, so weird. I mean I was in there just listening to them bitch about each other and all I kept thinking about was the fourth of July.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Becasue it reminded you of the way our forefathers used to bitch at each other?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      It's just this thing. Every year we would go out on my dad's boat and watch the fireworks. Mom always hated it because the ocean air made her hair all big. My sister Jill would be throwing up over the side and my dad would be upset becasue nobody was helping and then when we did help he would scream at us for doing it wrong. But then when the fireworks started, everybody just shut up, you know, and it'd get really cold, and we would all just sort of smush under this one blanket. It never occured to anybody to bring another one. And now it's just...
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      I, I know. [Hugs her. Ross walks out and Chandler puts her in his arms.]
    • new scene
    • Scene 6

      Monica's party. She is seeing off the last of the guests.

    • monica
    • Monica
      Ok, thanks for coming, I hope you guys had fun.
    • Mrs. Green
      Alright, Monica dear, I'm gonna hit the road. Now I've left my 10 verbs on the table. And you be sure and send me that finished poem.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Ok will do. So glad you came.
    • Mrs. Green
      I think I saw Rachel out in the hall.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Ok, let me go check. Your mom want's to say goodbye.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh ok.
    • Mrs. Green
      Happy birthday sweetie.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ok.
    • [Mr. Greene opens the door to Chandler and Joeys apartment. Ross sees him and runs to the door forcing him back in then holds onto the door knob.]
    • joey
    • Joey
      Ahh, you drive safe.
    • Mrs. Green
      Ross, what're you doing.
    • ross
    • Ross
      I'm getting ready for the water skiing. [Mr. Greene opens the door which pulls Ross in] How are you doing?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Well, uh, Dr. Greene, where are you going?
    • Mr. Green
      To get my coat.
    • Guys
      No no no.
    • Mr. Green
      Alright, alright, I can get my own coat.
    • [the guys form a wall between Mrs. Geller and Mr. Geller and dance across the hall as he walks across]
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Sorry, we're on a major flan high.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh no, you're not supposed to be here. This is the staging area, you should, it's all wrong, you should leave, ya know, get out. [opens the door, the guys are right there] Or perhaps you'd like a creme d'menthe.
    • Mr. Green
      I have to be heading to my chateau, thank you.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh all right, then I guess we're going back into the hallway.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Thanks for coming Mrs. Greene. [grabs her and kisses her to distract her. She goes limp in his arms. Mr. Greene leaves.] Well, ok, you take care.
    • Mrs. Green
      Oh, you kids [she caresses his face and chest] Well, this is the best party I've been to in years.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Thank you.
    • CLOSING CREDITS
    • new scene
    • Scene 7

      Monica and Rachel's apartment. Close up of the flan on the table with birthday candles.

    • monica
    • Monica
      Ok everybody, it's time for flan.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yup, get ready for the gelatenous fun.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Kinda looks like that stuff you get when you get a bad infection.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Ok, that's enough.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Ok Rachel, make a special flan wish.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ok, I've got one. [blows out the candles. Somebody calls out 'heads up' and the volleyball lands in the flan] Wow, those things almost never come true.
    • END