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  •  /  Friends  /  S02E07 The One Where Ross Finds Out


    • new scene
    • Scene 1

      Monica and Rachel's apartment. Everyone is sitting at the couches, Chandler enters.

    • chandler
    • Chandler
      OK, what is it about me? Do I not look fun enough? Is there something. . . repellant. . . about me?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      So, how was the party?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Well it couldn't have been worse. A woman literally passed through me. OK, so what is it, am I hideously unattractive?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      No, you are not, you are very attractive. You know what, I go through the exact same thing. Every time I put on a little weight, I start questioning everyting.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Woah, woah, I've put on a little weight?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      No, not wieght... y'know, more like insulation.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Chandler, I'm unemployed and in dire need of a project. Ya wanna work out? I can remake you.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh, you know, I would, but that might get in the way of my lying around time.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Please.
    • Everyone
      C'mon. Let her. Yeah.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Alright, OK, alright. But if we put on spandex and my boobs are bigger than yours, I'm goin' home.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Your boobs are fine. Look, I never should have said anything. Come here. Come here. [hugs Chandler but holds her hands apart behind his back] Oh, can't make.... hands... meet....
    • OPENING CREDITS
    • new scene
    • Scene 2

      Hallway between the apartments. Chandler comes out wearing spandex, jogging in place. Monica is there.

    • chandler
    • Chandler
      OK, let's do it. [Monica looks at him funny] What?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Nothing, just never seen you in little stretchy pants before.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      And we're changing. [jogs back in his apartment]
    • [Cut to the city street. Monica and Chandler are jogging. Chandler is lagging behind so he hops in a cab and takes off, leaving Monica behind]
    • new scene
    • Scene 3

      Back in Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is doing situps.

    • monica
    • Monica
      C'mon give me five more. Five more.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      [weakly] No.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Five more and I'll flash you.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      One. . . two. . . two and a half. OK, just show me one of them.
    • new scene
    • Scene 4

      Central Perk. Chandler and Joey are sitting on the couch. Rachel is working.

    • chandler
    • Chandler
      [slowly lifts coffee cup to his mouth] Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. [slowly sets the cup back down] Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. [Joey intercepts the cup and puts it down for him]. She's insane, the woman is insane. It's before work, it's after work, it's during work. She's got me doing butt clenches at my desk. And now, they won't bring me my mail anymore.
    • [Phoebe enters.]
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Hey Phoebs, how'd it go with Scott last night?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh, um, it was nice. Took him to a romantic restraunt, ordered champagne, nice.
    • joey
    • Joey
      The guy still won't put out, huh?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Nope. Zilch, nothin', uh-uh.
    • Everyone
      Sorry Phoebs.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Look, I, y'know, I don't mind taking it slow, I like him a lot, y'know he's really interesting and he's really sweet and why won't he give it up?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Maybe he, uhh... drives his car on the other side of the road, if ya know what I mean.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      No, whad'ya mean? He's not British.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Maybe he's. . . gay.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oohh, um, no, I don't think that's the problem. 'Cause we went, um, dancing the other night and the way he held me so close, and the way he was looking into my eyes I just like... definitely felt something.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah, but how much can you tell from a look?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      No, I felt it on my hip. You could tell.
    • [Monica enters.]
    • monica
    • Monica
      [to Chandler] Yo, Bing. Racquetball in 15 minutes.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Joey, be a pal. Lift up my hand and smack her with it.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      [seeing Ross kissing Julie outside the window] Ooh, oh, Rachel, don't look.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      What? [looks, feigns indifference] C'mon you guys, I don't care, I have a date tonight.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Woah, woah, woah, you have a date?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah, Monica's settin' me up.
    • joey
    • Joey
      But uh, uh, what about uh, Ross and uh. . .?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh what, my whole insane jealousy thing? Well, y'know, as much fun as that was, I've decided to opt for sanity.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      So you really OK about all this?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh yeah, c'mon, I'm movin' on. He can press her up against that window as much as he wants. For all I care, he can throw her through the damn thing.
    • [Ross and Julie enter.]
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hi guys.
    • Everyone
      Hey.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Oh, Monica, I figured I'd come by tomorrow morning and pick up Fluffy's old cat toy, OK?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Only if you say his full name.
    • ross
    • Ross
      [reluctantly] Can I come over tomorrow and pick up Fluffy Meowington's cat toy.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Alright.
    • joey
    • Joey
      [to Ross] You're getting a cat?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Uh, actually, we're getting a cat.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Together?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Uh huh.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Both of you?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Yep.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Together.
    • Julie
      Yeah, we figure it'll live with Ross half the time, and with me half the time.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ohh, well, isn't that just lovely. That's something the two of you will be able to enjoy for a really, really, really, really, really long time.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hopefully.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Well. [looks at watch] Woah, look at that! I gotta go, I gotta date. With a man. Um, OK, you guys have a really, uh, have a really good night and you two have a, uh, have a, uh, really good cat. [she leaves carrying her tray then comes back in] OK, we're not supposed to take these when we leave.
    • new scene
    • Scene 5

      A nice restraunt. Rachel is on her date with Michael.

    • Michael
      I don't know if Monica told you but this is the first date I've gone on since my divorce so, if I seem a little nervous, I am.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      [distracted] How long do cats live?
    • Michael
      [confused] I'm sorry?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Cats, how long do they live figuring you don't... y'know, throw 'em under a bus or something?
    • Michael
      Um, maybe 15, 16 years.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      That's just great. [she picks up her champagne and starts drinking]
    • Michael
      Um, cheers.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, right, clink. [downs her glass]
    • Michael
      Monica told you I was cuter than this, didn't she?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, no, Michael, it's not you. I'm sorry, it's just, it's this thing. It's probably not as bad as it sounds but this friend of mine is, is getting a cat with his girlfriend.
    • Michael
      Oh, that does sound. . .Ahh.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      I mean he just started going out with her.
    • Michael
      Is this guy, uhh, an old boyfriend?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ah, hah-hah-hah-ho, yeah, he wishes. Oh, I'm sorry, look at me. OK, Michael, let's talk about you.
    • Michael
      Alright.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      OK, OK. So, you ever get a pet with a girlfriend?
    • new scene
    • Scene 6

      Central Perk. Phoebe and Joey are sitting on the couch.

    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      So, I figured it out.
    • joey
    • Joey
      What?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Why Scott doesn't want to sleep with me. It's 'cause I'm not sexy enough.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Phoebe, that's crazy. When I first met you, you know what I said to Chandler? I said, "Excellent butt, great rack."
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Really? That's so sweet. I mean, I'm officially offended but, sweet.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Phoebs look, if you want to know what the deal is, you're just gonna have to ask him.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      You're right, you're right. Ah, you are so yumm. [they hug]
    • [Outside the window, Monica and Chandler jog up. Monica playfully pushes him. They start puching and slapping harder and harder until Monica pushes him down. Chandler stands up, with a serious expression, and chases her away.]
    • new scene
    • Scene 7

      Back in the restraunt. Rachel pours the last of the champange bottle in her glass.

    • rachel
    • Rachel
      [obviously drunk] I mean, it's a cat, y'know, it's a cat. Why can't they get one of those bugs, y'know, one of those fruitflies, those things that live for like a day or something? [belligerently] What're they called, what're they called, what're they called?
    • Michael
      Fruitflies?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yes! Thank you.
    • [The waiter comes to the table.]
    • Waiter
      So, would you like any dessert?
    • Michael
      No! No dessert, just a check, please.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, you're not having fun, are you?
    • Michael
      No, no, I am, but only because for the last hour and a half I've been playing the movie Diner in my head.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, look at me, look at me. Oh, I'm on a date with a really great guy, all I can think about is Ross and his cat and his... Julie. I just want to get over him. gosh, why can't I do that?
    • Michael
      Oy. Look, I've been through a divorce, trust me you're gonna be fine. You just can't see it now because you haven't had any closure.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah! Closure. That's what it is, that's what I need. God, you're brilliant! Why didn't I think of that? How do I get that?
    • Michael
      Well, you know, there's no one way really, it's just, you know, whatever it takes so that you can finally say to him, "I'm over you."
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Closure, that's what it is. Closure. [she looks around the restaurant, spotting a guy with a cellular phone] Hello, excuse me. Excuse me, hel. . . woo [she almost falls out of her chair]
    • Guy
      Hang on.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Hello, excuse me.
    • Guy
      What.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Hi, I'm sorry, I need to borrow your phone for just one minute.
    • Guy
      I'm talkin'!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      I can see that. I... just one phone call, I'll be very quick, I'll even pay for it myself. [man is still reluctant] OK, you're bein' a little weird about your phone.
    • Guy
      Alright, fine. [on the phone] I'll call you back. [hands the phone to her]
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Thank you. OK. [dials] [to Michael] Machine. Just waiting for the beep.
    • Michael
      Good.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      [on phone] Ross, hi, it's Rachel. I'm just calling to say that um, everything's fine and I'm really happy for you and your cat who, by the way, I think you should name Michael. And, you know, ya see there I'm thinking of names so obviously, I am over you. I am over you and that, my friend, is what they call closure. [hangs up and tosses phone in the ice bucket]
    • COMMERCIAL BREAK
    • new scene
    • Scene 8

      Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is answering the door in his robe.

    • chandler
    • Chandler
      No, no, no, no, no, no [opens door to Monica] No. Monica, it's Sunday morning. I'm not running on a Sunday.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Why not?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Because it's Sunday. It's God's day.
    • monica
    • Monica
      OK, if you say stop, then we stop.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      OK, stop.
    • monica
    • Monica
      No, c'mon, we can't stop, c'mon, we've got three more pounds to go. I am the energy train and you are on board. Woo-woo, woo-woo, woo-woo [Chandler walks out of the apartment, leaving Monica] Woo.
    • new scene
    • Scene 9

      Rachel and Monica's apartment. Rachel is taking asprin. Ross enters.

    • ross
    • Ross
      Hey Rach.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ahhhh.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Oh. And how was the date?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Umm, I think there was a restaurant... I know there was wine. . .
    • [Rachel looks at Ross as though she remembers something, but can't place what it is.]
    • ross
    • Ross
      Wow, well uh, uh, actually, Julie's downstairs getting a cab, I just need the cat toy, did Monica say. . . What? Why, why are you looking at me like that?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      I don't know, I, I feel like I had a dream about you last night but I, I don't remember.
    • ross
    • Ross
      OK. Oh, oh, oh. [runs over and picks up the cat toy]
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Did we speak on the phone last night? Did you call me?
    • ross
    • Ross
      No, I stayed at Julie's last night.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Huh.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Oh, actually I haven't even been home yet. Do you mind if I check my messages?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh yeah, go ahead. [Rachel walks in her room. Ross picks up the phone and dials his machine to check his messages.]
    • ross
    • Ross
      Rach, I got a message from you. [pauses] Who's Michael?
    • [Rachel comes out of her room, suddenly she remembers leaving the message.]
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh my God. Oh my God Ross, no, hang up the phone, give me the phone Ross, give me the phone, give me the phone, give me the. . . [jumps the couch and lands on Ross's back, finally getting the phone from him. Ross has a confused expression on his face.]
    • ross
    • Ross
      You're over me?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ohhhhhhhh God. [climbs off his back]
    • ross
    • Ross
      Wha... you're uh, you're, you're over me?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ohh, ohh.
    • ross
    • Ross
      When, when were you... under me? Rach. Rachel do you, I mean, were you, uh. . . What?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ohh, OK, OK, OK, well, basically, lately, I've uh, I've uh, sort of had feelings for you.
    • ross
    • Ross
      You've had feelings for me?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah, what, so? You had feelings for me first.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Woah. Huh. You know about my, I mean, you know I had... you know?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Chandler told me.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Chandler. When did he... when did he... when did he?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      When you were in China.
    • ross
    • Ross
      China.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Meeting Julie.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Julie. Julie. That. Oh God. Julie, right. OK, I need to lie down. No, ya know, I'm gonna stand. I'm gonna stand, I'm gonna walk, I'm walkin' and I am standing. OK so you uh, and now wha... and now, now, now you're over me?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Are you over me?
    • [A moment of silence.]
    • ross
    • Ross
      [doorbell buzzes] That's, that's Julie. Ju... Julie, Julie. [talks on intercom] Hi Julie.
    • Julie
      [over intercom] Hi honey, I've got a cab waiting.
    • ross
    • Ross
      [perky] I'll be right down.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Wait, so, you're going?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Well, OK, I uh, I have to. I can't deal with this right now. I mean, I've uh, y'know, I've got a cab, I've got a girlfriend, I'm... I'm gonna go get a cat.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      OK, OK.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Cat. [leaves]
    • new scene
    • Scene 10

      Chandler and Joey's apartment. Joey is watching a rabbi play an electric guitar on TV. Phoebe enters.

    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Hey Joey.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey Phoebs.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      How come you're watching a rabbi play electric guitar?
    • joey
    • Joey
      I can't find the remote. [Phoebe turns off the TV] Thank you.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      So, Scott asked me to come over for lunch today and I did.
    • joey
    • Joey
      And?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      And we did.
    • joey
    • Joey
      All right Phoebs, way to go.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Yay me.
    • joey
    • Joey
      So, so how did it happen?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Well, I finally took your advice and asked him what was going on.
    • joey
    • Joey
      And what did he say?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      He said that, um, he understands how sex can be like, a very emotional thing for a woman and he was just afraid that I was gonna get all, y'know, like, 'ohh, is he gonna call me the next day' and, y'know, 'where is this going' and, ya know, blah-la-la-la-la. So he said he wanted to hold off until he was prepared to be really serious.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Wow.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Yeah, so I said, "OK, relax please," y'know, I mean, sex can be just about two people right there in the moment, y'know, it's, if he wants to see me again he can call and if not, that's fine too. So after a looooot of talking. . . I convinced him.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Let me get this straight. He got you to beg to sleep with him, he got you to say he never has to call you again, and he got you thinking this was a great idea.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Um-hum.
    • joey
    • Joey
      This man is my God.
    • new scene
    • Scene 11

      Central Perk. Rachel is closing up and Ross comes in. Get your Kleenex.

    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Hi.
    • ross
    • Ross
      I didn't get a cat.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, that's um, interesting.
    • ross
    • Ross
      No, no it's not interesting. OK, it's very, very not interesting. In fact it's actually 100 percent completely opposite of interesting.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Alright, I got it Ross.
    • ross
    • Ross
      You had no right to tell me you ever had feelings for me.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      [hurt] What?
    • ross
    • Ross
      I was doing great with Julie before I found out about you.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Hey, I was doin' great before I found out about you. You think it's easy for me to see you with Julie?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Then you should have said something before I met her.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      I didn't know then. And how come you never said anything to me.
    • ross
    • Ross
      There was never a good time.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Right, you, you only had a year. We only hung out every night.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Not, not, not every night. You know, and... and it's not like I didn't try, Rachel, but things got in the way, y'know? Like, like Italian guys or ex-fiances or, or, or Italian guys.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Hey, there was one Italian guy, OK, and do you even have a point?
    • ross
    • Ross
      The point is I... I don't need this right now, OK. It, it's too late, I'm with somebody else, I'm happy. This ship has sailed.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah, what're you saying, you just sort of put away feelings or whatever the hell it was you felt for me?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hey, I've been doin' it since the ninth grade, I've gotten pretty damn good at it.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Alright, fine, you go ahead and you do that, alright Ross.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Fine.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      'Cause I don't need your stupid ship.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Good.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Good. [Ross leaves]
    • [Rachel gets up and opens the door, yelling after him.]
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      And ya know what, now I've got closure.
    • [Rachel slams the door and locks it. She sits down, visibly upset. She puts her head in her hands and begins to cry. Ross comes back and is standing outside the window. When Rachel regroups and gets back up to finish closing, she sees him. She smiles. She goes to open the door and can't get the lock undone.]
    • ross
    • Ross
      Try the bottom one.
    • [She opens the door and they kiss.]
    • new scene
    • Scene 12

      Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler answers the door to find Monica.

    • CLOSING CREDITS
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Monica, it's 6:30 in the morning. We're not working out, it's over.
    • monica
    • Monica
      No way, with one pound to go, c'mon. We're workin', we're movin', we're in the zone we're groovin'.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      OK, I don't, I don't mind the last pound. OK, in fact I kind of like the last pound. OK, so don't make me do anything that I'll regret.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Ooh, what'cha gonna do, fat boy, huh? What?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Nothing, except tell you, uh, I think it's wonderful how much energy you have.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Well, thanks.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      I mean, especially considering how tough it's been for you to find work.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Well, you know.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      You know, I mean, you can't tell your parents you were fired because they'd be disappointed.
    • monica
    • Monica
      [sad] Uh-huh.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      And it's not as if you have a boyfriend's shoulder to cry on.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Well no, but um.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      I mean, if it were me, I think I'd have difficulty just getting out of bed at all.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Y'know, I try to stay positive. . .
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      So, you feel like goin' for a run?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Alright.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Because, you know, you don't have to. If you want, you could just take a nap right here.
    • monica
    • Monica
      OK. Just for a little while.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      OK. [Puts an afghan over her and dances into his room]
    • END