S01E17

The One With Two Parts, part 2

Rachel uses Monica's identity for health insurance. Ursula causes tension between Phoebe and Joey.

14 Scenes357 Lines
Scene 1

An Emergency Room, Rachel and Monica enter. Rachel is limping and leaning on Monica for support.

32 lines
rachel
Rachel
Ow ow ow. Ow ow ow ow. Ow ow ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
(They reach the desk. The bored nurse thinks she's heard it all before.)
monica
Monica
Hi. Uh, my friend here was taking down our Christmas lights, and and she fell off the balcony and may have broken her foot or or ankle or something.
Nurse
My god. You still have your Christmas lights up?
(Rachel glares at the nurse, who gives Monica a form attached to a clipboard.)
Nurse
Fill this out and bring it back to me.
(Monica helps Rachel over to a vacant seat.)
rachel
Rachel
Ow ow ow. Ow ow ow. Ow ow ow.
(Monica starts on the form, while Rachel catches her breath and massages her ankle.)
monica
Monica
Okay, ooh, alright. Name, address... Okay, in case of emergency, call?
rachel
Rachel
You.
monica
Monica
Really?
rachel
Rachel
Yeah.
monica
Monica
Oh, that is so sweet. (Touched, she puts an arm around her friend and kisses her.) Oh gosh, love you. Insurance?
rachel
Rachel
Oh, yeah, check it. Definitely, I want some of that.
monica
Monica
(No longer touched) you don't have insurance?
rachel
Rachel
Why, how much is this gonna cost?
monica
Monica
I have no idea, but X-rays alone could be a couple hundred dollars.
rachel
Rachel
Wel-wel-well what are we gonna do?
monica
Monica
Well there's not much we can do.
rachel
Rachel
(Like a big baby) Um... unless, unless I use yours.
monica
Monica
Hah, no no no no no no no no no no.
rachel
Rachel
(Tapping the clipboard) well, now, wait a second, who did I just put as my "In case of emergency" person?
monica
Monica
(Looking around to check that no-one's listening, then lowering her voice anyway) That's insurance fraud.
rachel
Rachel
Well, alright, then, forget it. (Getting up to go) Might as well just go home. Ow ow ow ow!
monica
Monica
(Jumping up to make Rachel sit down) Okay, okay. I hate this.
rachel
Rachel
Thank you. Thank you. I love you.
monica
Monica
(to the nurse) Hi, (tiny laugh) um, I'm gonna need a new set of (tiny laugh) these forms (tiny laugh).
Nurse
Why?
monica
Monica
(Tiny laugh) I am really an idiot. (Tiny laugh) you see, I was filling out my friend's form, and instead of putting her information, (tiny laugh) I put mine.
Nurse
You are an idiot. (She hands over a blank form).
monica
Monica
(Tiny laugh) yep, that's me, (tiny laugh) I am that stupid (tiny laugh).
Scene 2

Central Perk, Chandler, has split up his newspaper so Joey can look at the funnies, while Ross's inappropriate joke at Lamaze class has come back to haunt him.

27 lines
ross
Ross
I had a dream last night where I was playing football with my kid.
joey
Joey
That's nice.
ross
Ross
No, no, with him. (He mimes holding the baby like a football.) I'm on this field, and they, they hike me the baby... and I, I know I've gotta do something 'cause the Tampa Bay defence is comin' right at me.
joey
Joey
Tampa Bay's got a terrible team.
ross
Ross
Right, but, it is just me and the baby, so I'm thinkin' they can take us. And so I uh, hah-hah, I just heave it down field.
chandler
Chandler
What are you crazy? That's a baby!
joey
Joey
He should take the sack?
ross
Ross
Anyway, suddenly I'm down field, and I realise that I'm the one who's supposed to catch him, right? Only I know there is no way I'm gonna get there in time, so I am running, and running, and that, that is when I woke up. See I, I am so not ready to be a father.
chandler
Chandler
Hey, you're gonna be fine. You're one of the most caring, most responsible men in North America. You're gonna make a great dad.
joey
Joey
Yeah, Ross. You and the baby just need better blocking.
(Feeling a little better, Ross fetches more coffee.)
joey
Joey
Oh, have either one of you guys ever been to the Rainbow Room? Is it real expensive?
chandler
Chandler
Well, only if you order stuff.
joey
Joey
I'm takin' Ursula tonight. It's her birthday.
ross
Ross
Wo-wo-whoa. What about Phoebe's birthday?
joey
Joey
When's that?
ross
Ross
Tonight.
joey
Joey
Oh, man. What're the odds of that happening?
(Joey begins to contemplate his ill fortune.)
ross
Ross
You take your time.
(Joey looks at his friends, thinks a bit more, then realises.)
chandler
Chandler
There it is! So what're you gonna do?
joey
Joey
What can I do? Look, I don't want to do anything to screw it up with Ursula.
chandler
Chandler
And your friend Phoebe?
joey
Joey
Well, if she's my friend, hopefully she'll understand. I mean, wouldn't you guys?
chandler
Chandler
Man, if you tried something like that on my birthday, you'd be starin' at the business end of a hissy fit.
(Joey gestures to show that he wouldn't dare...)
Scene 3

The Hospital, Monica and Rachel are waiting for the doctors to arrive. They enter and are played by Noah Wyle and George Clooney.

14 lines
Dr. Mitchell
..you add a pinch of saffron, it makes all the difference.
(They approach the young ladies. Dr. Mitchell consults Ms.Geller's admissions form.)
Dr. Mitchell
Okay, errrr, Monica?
monica
Monica
Yes? (jumping as Rachel punches her arm) ..yes, she is.
Rachel (as Monica)
Hi, this is my friend Rachel.
Monica (as Rachel)
Hi.
Dr. Mitchell
(Smiling) Hi, err Rachel. I'm Dr.Mitchell.
Dr. Rosen
(Smiling even more and attempting to take over) And I'm his friend, Dr.Rosen.
(Monica and Rachel smile back prettily.)
rachel
Rachel
Aren't you a little cute to be a doctor?
Dr. Rosen
Excuse me?
rachel
Rachel
I meant er, (struggling to concentrate) young, young, I meant young, young to be a doctor. Oh good, Rach.
Monica (as Rachel)
Thank you.
Rachel (as Monica)
Right.
Scene 4

Monica and Rachel's, everyone but Joey is waiting for Phoebe to arrive for her surprise birthday party. Rachel and Monica is telling Chandler about Rachel's incident.

28 lines
rachel
Rachel
..so, he said it was just a sprain, and that was it.
monica
Monica
Uh, you left out the stupid part.
rachel
Rachel
Not stupid. The very cute, cute, cute doctors asked us out for tomorrow night, and I said "yes."
monica
Monica
I think it's totally insane, I mean, they work for the hospital. It's like returning to the scene of the crime. You know, I say we blow off the dates.
rachel
Rachel
What? Monica, they are cute, they are doctors, (spelling it out in the air for her slow friend) cute doctors, doctors who are cute!
chandler
Chandler
Alright, what have we learned so far?
(There is a knock at the door. Someone turns the music off, then the whole party runs and hides, except for Monica and Rachel who answer their door. Ross stands in the doorway, holding a box, but everyone is too keyed up to notice that it's him.)
The Whole Party
(Jumping up) SURPRISE!!!
(Ross is so startled that he throws his arms up to defend himself. The box takes off, then lands with a squishy thud, its contents oozing out onto the floor. Ross is not pleased.)
ross
Ross
What the hell are you doing? You scared the crap outta me.
rachel
Rachel
Was that the cake?
ross
Ross
Yeah, yeah. I got a lemon schmush.
monica
Monica
Come on, she'll be here any minute.
(The whole party gathers round as Ross puts the box on the coffee table.)
rachel
Rachel
I hope it's okay.
(As Ross opens the lid, everybody looks at the mess inside.)
monica
Monica
Oh...
chandler
Chandler
(Reading) "Happy Birthday Peehe."
monica
Monica
Well maybe we can make a, a, a 'B' out of one of those roses.
(Phoebe quietly wanders in, to join the tableau.)
ross
Ross
(Still annoyed) Yeah, we'll just use our special cake tools.
phoebe
Phoebe
Hey, what's going on?
ross
Ross
Oh, we just...
Phoebe's Friends
(Finally noticing the guest of honour) Surprise!
phoebe
Phoebe
(Delighted) oh, oh, oh! This is so great! Oh my god! This was not at all scary. Hi everybody. Hi Betty! Betty, Hi! (Thrilled) You found Betty! Oh my god! (Hugging people) This is great. Everybody I love is in the same room, (still happy) Where's Joey?
(The party falls flat. Chandler tries to think of a witticism, but even he can't help...)
chandler
Chandler
Did you see Betty?
(Betty waggles her fingers to say "Hi", but Phoebe feels her birthday has been ruined by her twin.)
Scene 5

A Restaurant, Ross is having lunch with his father who is examining his next forkful.

13 lines
mr. geller
Mr. Geller
I tell you one thing, I wouldn't mind having a piece of this sun-dried tomato business. Five years ago, if somebody had said to me, here's a tomato that looks like a prune, I'd say "get out of my office!"
ross
Ross
Dad, before I was born, did you freak out at all?
mr. geller
Mr. Geller
I'm not freaking out, I'm just saying, if somebody had come to me with the idea andndash;
ross
Ross
Dad, dad, dad, I'm talkin' about the whole uh, baby thing. Did you uh, ever get this sort of... panicky, "Oh my god I'm gonna be a father" kind of a thing?
mr. geller
Mr. Geller
No. Your mother really did the work. I was busy with the business. I wasn't around that much. Is that what this is about?
ross
Ross
No, no, Dad, I was just wondering.
mr. geller
Mr. Geller
'Cause there's time to make up for that. We can do stuff together. You always wanted to go to that Colonial Williamsburg. How 'bout we do that?
ross
Ross
Thanks, Dad, really, I ju... you know, I just, I just needed to know, um... when did you start to feel like a father?
mr. geller
Mr. Geller
Oh, well, I, I guess it musta been the day after you were born. We were in the hospital room, your mother was asleep, and they brought you in and gave you to me. You were this ugly little red thing, and all of a sudden you grabbed my finger with your whole fist. And you squeezed it, so tight. And that's when I knew.
(Ross is so moved by his father's charming story, that he stops eating.)
mr. geller
Mr. Geller
So you don't wanna go to Williamsburg?
ross
Ross
No, we can go to Williamsburg.
mr. geller
Mr. Geller
Eat your fish.
Scene 6

Monica and Rachel's, Monica is just getting off of the intercom and turns off the Tv which is still in the Sap mode.

65 lines
monica
Monica
Rachel, the cute doctors are here.
rachel
Rachel
(entering from her room) Okay, coming!
(Monica opens the door for Dr. Mitchell and Dr. Geoffrey.)
monica
Monica
Hi, come on in.
Dr. Mitchell
Hey.
monica
Monica
Hi, Geoffrey.
rachel
Rachel
Hi.
Dr. Rosen
Ah here, we brought wine.
Dr. Mitchell
Look at this, it's from the cellars of Ernest and Tova Borgnine, so how could we resist?
rachel
Rachel
Oh, that's great. Look at that.
Dr. Rosen
So, Monica, how's the ankle?
monica
Monica
It's uh...
(Rachel discreetly coughs to warn her.)
Monica (as Rachel)
..well, why don't you tell them? After all it, is your ankle.
Rachel (as Monica)
You know what, it's feeling a lot better, thank you, um... Well, listen, why don't you two sit down and, and we'll get you some glasses... okay... (They don't know what to do with their coats and Monica points to the living room) STAT!
(Rachel joins Monica who is in the kitchen area, opening the wine bottle. Rachel checks that the doctors aren't listening, then lowers her voice anyway.)
rachel
Rachel
Okay, listen, I'm thinking, why don't we just tell them who we really are? I mean, it'll be fine, I really think it'll be fine.
monica
Monica
It will not be fine. We'll get in trouble.
rachel
Rachel
Oh, Monica! Would you stop being such a wuss?
monica
Monica
A wuss? Excuse me for living in the real world, okay?
(Back at the couch, Dr. Mitchell and Dr. Rosen have concerns of their own.)
Dr. Mitchell
So?
Dr. Rosen
So... they sss-still seem normal.
Dr. Mitchell
That's because they are.
Dr. Rosen
(Nervously) okay, but you have to admit that every time we go out... Women we meet at the hospital... It turns into...
Dr. Mitchell
Willya relax? Look around. No pagan altars, no piles of bones in the corners, they're fine. (Baring his teeth to clean them with his finger) Go like this. (Dr. Rosen obeys.)
(Meanwhile, back at the sink.)
monica
Monica
I said we are not going to do it, okay? Sometimes you can be such a, a big baby.
rachel
Rachel
(Resenting the truth) I am not a baby! You know what? I swear to god, just because you get so uptight every time we...
monica
Monica
Sure, every time, you're such a princess...
rachel
Rachel
You know what?
monica
Monica
What?
rachel
Rachel
You know what?
monica
Monica
What!?
rachel
Rachel
You know what?
monica
Monica
(getting angry) What!!?
rachel
Rachel
Every day, you are becoming more and more like your mother.
(Rachel brightly limps back across the apartment with glasses of wine for the cute doctors, leaving an open-mouthed Monica in her wake.)
rachel
Rachel
Hello! Here we go!
Dr. Rosen
This is a great place. How long have you lived here?
rachel
Rachel
(as Monica) Thanks! I've been here about six years, and Rachel moved in a few months ago.
monica
Monica
(as Rachel) Yeah... (joining the others) ..see, I was supposed to get married, but, um, I left the guy at the altar.
(Rachel tries to hide her alarm, but she squirms in her chair.)
Dr. Mitchell
Really?
monica
Monica
(as Rachel) Yeah... Yeah, I know it's pretty selfish, but haha, hey, that's me. (Indicating a dish on the table) Why don't you try the hummus?
Dr. Rosen
So, Monica, what do you do?
rachel
Rachel
(as Monica) Aahh, I'm a... chef at a restaurant uptown.
Dr. Rosen
Good for you.
rachel
Rachel
(as Monica) Yeah it is, mostly because I get to boss people around, which I just love to do.
Dr. Rosen
This hummus is great.
Dr. Mitchell
God bless the chickpea.
monica
Monica
(as Rachel) (Suddenly laughing) Oh, god, I am so spoiled... That's it!
(The doctors don't know what to make of all this.)
rachel
Rachel
(as Monica) And by the way, have I mentioned that back in high school, I was a cow?
monica
Monica
(as Rachel) I used to wet my bed.
rachel
Rachel
(as Monica) I use my breasts to get other people's attention.
monica
Monica
(as Rachel) (Revealing her anger to point at her best friend) We both do that!
(Rachel lets her anger show too. Hideously embarrassed, the doctors drain their glasses in the vicious pause which follows. The telephone rings, but the girls just glower at each other, silently daring the other to move first. Finally both guys jump up, and Michael wins.)
Dr. Mitchell
(on the phone) Monica and Rachel's apartment. Err yeh, aayah, yeh, just one second... (handing it to Monica) ..ah, Rachel, it's your dad.
monica
Monica
(as Rachel) Hi, Dad. No, no, it's me. (Getting up to move further away from Rachel) li-listen, Dad, I can't talk right now, um, but there's something, um... there's something that I've been meaning to tell you...
(Monica glares triumphantly across the room, scaring Rachel who also stands up.)
rachel
Rachel
Would you excuse me for a second?
monica
Monica
(as Rachel) Remember back in freshman year? (Talking fast before Rachel can catch her) Well, Billy Dreskin and I had sex on your bed.
(Completely undone by Monica's verbal destruction, Rachel almost loses her balance as she staggers backwards, eyes agog, gasping for breath, and literally not knowing which way to turn. Finally, she escapes into the bathroom while a resigned Dr. Mitchell looks philosophically at Dr. Rosen who seems about remind him of the good old days at the pagan altar.)
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Scene 7

Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Ross, Phoebe, Chandler and Monica sit round the coffee table, playing Scrabble. Rachel, still in her dressing gown, is pleading on the phone, her free hand shaking with agitation.

30 lines
rachel
Rachel
(on phone) Daddy... Daddy... Daddy, why whyyy would I sleep with Billy Dreskin? His father tried to put you out of business! (Rachel turns to Monica, clasping the receiver to her bosom so Dr.Green can't hear, while mouthing "You are...") ...dead!
(Monica smiles a sweet apology of regret, until she's distracted by Marcel as he clambers all over her nice furniture.)
monica
Monica
Ross, he's got the remote again.
ross
Ross
Good. Maybe he can switch it back.
(Marcel changes channel to Bugs Bunny, who is speaking in Spanish.)
ross
Ross
Maybe not.
(Meanwhile, Rachel has taken another call, from a nurse she'd hoped never to hear from again.)
rachel
Rachel
Hello? (Listens) Um, yeah, uh, (snapping her fingers at Ross who takes the remote from Marcel, then turns off the TV) Okay ah, hold on a second, lemme lemme just check and see if see if she's here.
(All animosity forgotten, Rachel holds the receiver out as she limps quickly over to her friend, who stands up in concern.)
rachel
Rachel
It's the woman from the hospital admissions office. She says there's a problem with the form. Oh, god, oh god...
monica
Monica
Oh god, waddawe do, waddawe do, waddawe do?
monica
Monica
I don't know! Why don't you just explain? What do they want? Find out what they want!
rachel
Rachel
Okay (desperately hands the receiver over) no, you do it.
monica
Monica
(taking the phone) Hello, this is Monica... Yeah??? Oh... (Smiles at Rachel to reassure her) Okay, yes, we'll be right, we'll be right down.(Listens) Thank you. (Hangs up)
rachel
Rachel
What?
monica
Monica
We forgot to sign one of the admissions forms.
rachel
Rachel
Ohhh... (slumping in relief) Okay, you were right. You were right! This was just not worth it.
monica
Monica
Thank you.
rachel
Rachel
Okay, let me just change.
monica
Monica
Yes.
(Rachel goes to her room.)
joey
Joey
(entering quietly) Hey.
chandler
Chandler
Hey!
monica
Monica
Hi.
phoebe
Phoebe
Trouble?
joey
Joey
Your sister stood me up the other night.
phoebe
Phoebe
Oh, no. Don't you hate it when people aren't there for you?
ross
Ross
Well did you try calling her?
joey
Joey
I've been trying for two days. When I called the restaurant, they said she was too busy to talk. I can't believe she's blowin' me off.
(Phoebe wants to be angry with Joey, but as she watches him shaking his head in pain and disbelief, she knows that it isn't his fault.)
Scene 8

Riff's, Phoebe is entering. Ursula returns with two plates of chicken, but she only has time to set one on the table, when...

44 lines
phoebe
Phoebe
Hey.
(Ursula turns in surprise.)
Ursula
Oh!
phoebe
Phoebe
Um you, you got a minute?
Ursula
Um, yeah, I'm just... (waving dismissively at the concept) ..working.
(Ursula points out a vacant table, so the twins walk over, side by side, to sit down. Departing customers walk right past the pair. Sitting at the back, a hungry gentleman looks most annoyed as Ursula sets his meal down in front of her. The girls sit.)
phoebe
Phoebe
So.
Ursula
Uh-huh.
(Ursula is genuinely pleased that her sister has visited her, after so many years. Phoebe hesitates over how best to begin.)
phoebe
Phoebe
Um, oh, I got you a birthday present.
(Ursula picks up a fork and begins eating the meat, while Phoebe removes a present from her bag.)
Ursula
Oh, wow! You remembered! (Opening it) Oh! It's a Judy Jetson thermos!
(She laughs at the childhood memory. Phoebe smiles at being able to make her point.)
phoebe
Phoebe
Right, like the kind you...
Ursula
Right... Oh, I got something for you, too.
(Ursula gets up to fetch a box from her bag by the counter.)
phoebe
Phoebe
How'd you know I was coming?
Ursula
Um, yeah, um, twin thing.
(Ursula puts the box directly into Phoebe's hand. Phoebe brightens.)
phoebe
Phoebe
I can't believe you did this.
(Phoebe opens the box, to find something familiar inside.)
phoebe
Phoebe
I can't believe you... (holding up Joey's cardigan) ..did this.
(Phoebe's smile hardens as she packs the cardigan away.)
phoebe
Phoebe
So... What's the deal with umm, you and Joey?
Ursula
Oh, right. He is so great. But that's over.
(Ursula resumes eating her lunch..)
phoebe
Phoebe
Does he know?
Ursula
Who?
phoebe
Phoebe
Joey. You know, um, he's really nutsy about you.
Ursula
He is? Why?
phoebe
Phoebe
You got me.
Ursula
Right.
(A waiter comes over for the stolen chicken. Ursula turns to him.)
Ursula
Excuse me. Doesn't this come with a side salad?
(The man gives up, shaking his head.)
phoebe
Phoebe
So, um, are you gonna call him?
Ursula
What? (Indicating the departing waiter) Do you think he likes me?
phoebe
Phoebe
No, Joey.
Ursula
Oh. No, no, he is so smart. He'll figure it out. (Offering to share her food) Do you want some chicken?
phoebe
Phoebe
No. No food with a face.
Ursula
You have not changed!
(Ursula's eyes dance as she laughs and smiles, simply glad to be back with her sister.)
phoebe
Phoebe
Yeah, you too.
(Trying not to wrinkle her nose, Phoebe smiles back realising it's down to her to make up for her negligent sister. Meanwhile, Ursula still hasn't received her side salad, but when she attempts to attract the waiter's attention, he ignores her.)
Scene 9

The Emergency Room. The officious admissions nurse is again on duty. Rachel and Monica enter, looking worried. As they approach the desk, Rachel adopts a winning smile, while Monica struggles to smile at all.

9 lines
rachel
Rachel
(as Monica) Hi, remember us?
Nurse
(Grimacing) Mmm hmmm.
monica
Monica
(as Rachel) Um, okay. You just called a little while ago about needing a signature on the admissions form. Well, it turns out we need a whole new one (little laugh) because uh, you see, I-I, I put the wrong name again. (Little laugh) 'cause um...
Nurse
You're that stupid.
monica
Monica
(as Rachel) I am. I'm that stupid. (Little laugh.)
rachel
Rachel
(as Monica) Yeah, and and, I'm just gonna pay for this with a check.
Nurse
Well, you know your insurance will cover that.
rachel
Rachel
(as Monica) Yeah, I know... (mirroring her friend) ..I'm I'm just not that bright either.
(The girls escape with a new form.)
Scene 10

Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is neglecting the game of Scrabble, for he's busily drawing on his own childhood in an attempt to help Ross. Marcel chitters about.

13 lines
chandler
Chandler
Okay, worst case scenario. Say you never feel like a father.
ross
Ross
Uh-huh.
chandler
Chandler
Say your son never feels connected to you, as one. Say all of his relationships are affected by this.
ross
Ross
Do you have a point?
chandler
Chandler
You know, you think I would.
(Instead of scampering, Marcel stretches his neck as much as possible, and makes an unvoiced noise from his throat.)
chandler
Chandler
What's up with the simian?
ross
Ross
It's just a fur ball.
chandler
Chandler
Okay... (returning to the board) ..whose turn is it?
ross
Ross
Yours, I just got 43 points for 'KIDNEY'.
chandler
Chandler
No, no, you got zero points for 'IDNEY'.
ross
Ross
I had a 'K'. Where's where's my 'K'?
(The unvoiced hissing continues. In alarm, Ross and Chandler look at the monkey, who is now in some distress.)
Scene 11

The Emergency Room, Monica sits with Rachel, who is filling out an honest form at last. Ross and Chandler hurtle in. Little Marcel, wrapped in a fluffy towel, is cradled in Ross's arms. They dash up to the admissions desk. Ross is frantic.

23 lines
ross
Ross
You've got to help me my monkey swallowed a 'K'!
(Hearing her brother's voice, Monica gets up to stand behind Chandler, followed by Rachel.)
Nurse
(angrily) You go get that animal outta here.
ross
Ross
No, no you don't understand the animal hospital is way across town he's choking I don't know what else to do.
monica
Monica
What's goin' on?
(Ross and Chandler turn at the voice...)
chandler
Chandler
Marcel swallowed a Scrabble tile.
rachel
Rachel
Oh.
(..then turn back to the desk when the surprise hits them, and Ross and Chandler whip around once more. Monica and Rachel recoil slightly.)
Nurse
Excuse me... This hospital is for people!
ross
Ross
Lady, he is people. He has a name, okay? He watches Jeopardy! He he touches himself when nobody's watching. Please, please have a heart!
(Ross's vigorous protest is attracting attention.)
Dr. Mitchell
I'll take a look at him.
(Rachel, Monica, Ross and Chandler whip around for a second time, in formation.)
monica
Monica
Oh, thank you.
monica
Monica
Michael.
Dr. Mitchell
Rachel.
rachel
Rachel
What?
monica
Monica
(as Rachel) Monica.
rachel
Rachel
(as Monica) Oh.
monica
Monica
(as Rachel) Hi.
rachel
Rachel
(as Monica) Hi.
(Monica smiles to cover her embarrassment, but Rachel sadly looks away...)
Scene 12

Central Perk, Joey is playing "She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not" with the petals of a flower, alternately looking hopeful and annoyed. Phoebe enters, but not as herself, for she has changed the style of her hair and make-up to match that of her twin sister. She hangs up her coat, revealing her new cardigan. Nervously, she smooths out the identifying garment, approaching Joey who sits next to the main sofa.

28 lines
phoebe
Phoebe
(as Ursula) Hey.
joey
Joey
Urse...
(Phoebe nods as he stands up in delight.)
joey
Joey
..ah, what're you doing here? I've been trying to call you.
phoebe
Phoebe
(as Ursula) Listen, um...
joey
Joey
No, no, no, don't say "listen." I know that "listen." I've said that "listen."
phoebe
Phoebe
(as Ursula) I'm sorry.
joey
Joey
I don't get it. What happened? What about everything you said under the bridge?
(Phoebe is almost thrown by this.)
phoebe
Phoebe
(as Ursula): Yeah, um... (nervously clears her throat) You know you, you should just forget about what I said under the bridge, I was talkin' crazy that night, I was so drunk!
joey
Joey
You don't drink.
phoebe
Phoebe
(as Ursula) That's right, I don't... But I was, I was drunk on you!
joey
Joey
Oh, Urse... (He tries to take her in his arms, but she fends him off.)
phoebe
Phoebe
(as Ursula) Okay, yeah, so it's not gonna work.
joey
Joey
Why? Is it because I'm friends with Phoebe?
phoebe
Phoebe
(as Ursula) If it was, would you stop hanging out with her?
joey
Joey
(Thinking carefully) no. No, I, I couldn't do that.
phoebe
Phoebe
(as Ursula) Um, then yes, it's 'cause of Phoebe! So, you know, it's either her or me.
joey
Joey
Then, uh, then I'm sorry.
(He sinks to the sofa, saddened by Ursula's ultimatum, while Phoebe follows, touched by Joey's good heart.)
phoebe
Phoebe
(as Ursula) You know... (unconsciously putting a hand on his knee) You're gonna be really, really hard to get over.
joey
Joey
I know...
(He looks up at her face and Phoebe, slipping out of character, smiles back at him. Joey's voice becomes soft and warm.)
joey
Joey
I don't know whether it's just 'cause we're breakin' up or... what, but you have never looked so beautiful.
phoebe
Phoebe
Really?
(Phoebe smiles, when Joey takes her face in his hands and kisses her. Joey gets up to leave but stops suddenly. Phoebe silently shouts "Oh, whoa!!" to herself, and leans back in the sofa to recover, a hand to her tingling lips. A thoughtful Joey is also feeling his lips, so he hesitates for a moment, then returns for a better view, he thinks again, cocking his head from side to side to regard her profile from various angles, then...)
joey
Joey
Pheebs?
phoebe
Phoebe
(Automatically) Yeah. Oooh... (she's sprung.)
Scene 13

The Hospital, Marcel lies on the operating table while recovering from the anaesthetic, tucked up under a sheet like an infant in a huge bed. Ross sits beside him, as a smiling Chandler, Monica and Rachel look on.

16 lines
ross
Ross
He looks so tiny.
(The door bursts open, and Joey and Phoebe rush in.)
joey
Joey
We just got the message.
phoebe
Phoebe
Is he alright?
ross
Ross
Yeah. The doctor got the 'K' out. He also found an 'M' and an 'O'.
chandler
Chandler
We think he was trying to spell out 'MONKEY.'
(Ross does not approve of Chandler's daft theory.)
ross
Ross
Well, the doctor says he's gonna be fine, he's just sleeping now.
chandler
Chandler
(Tapping Ross on his shoulder) So, you feel like a dad yet?
ross
Ross
No, why?
chandler
Chandler
Hey, come on, you came through, you did what you had to do. That is very dad.
(Ross does approve of this, but he's still not sure. The tiny figure stirs.)
monica
Monica
Oh, look, he's waking up!
ross
Ross
(Quietly) hey, fella! How you doing?
(All of a sudden, Marcel grabs Ross's finger with his whole fist, and he squeezes it, so tight, that Ross finally knows what it is to be a father. He looks up at his friends, who smile encouragingly, Rachel tenderly resting her chin upon Monica's shoulder. Ross realises that Chandler was right and he's gonna make a great dad!)
CLOSING CREDITS
Scene 14

Monica and Rachel's, everyone except Joey is there. Rachel is looking out of the window and Ross is handing out some Chinese takeout. There's a small Sap in the corner of the screen.

15 lines
ross
Ross
Aqui est'. (Here it is!)
monica
Monica
'A qui'n pidio el pollo General Tso? (Who ordered General Sal's chicken?)
chandler
Chandler
'Pudo aver sido General Tso! (It could've been General Sal!)
(Rachel points out of the window.)
rachel
Rachel
'Mira, mira, el viejo desnudo est' haciendo el hula hoop! (Look, look, Ugly Naked Guy is doing the hula!)
(The others rush to the window for a look.)
Everyone:'Ewww! (Ewww!)
(Joey enters, happy again.)
Everyone
'Hola, Joey! (Hi, Joey!)
joey
Joey
'Hola, amigos! (Hey, everybody!)
(Marcel grabs the remote.)
monica
Monica
Mira, Ross, Marcel se llevo el control remoto. (Look, Ross, Marcel's got the remote.)
ross
Ross
'Lo que sucedio es que no le gusta la tele! (The thing is, he doesn`t like the program!)
(Everybody laughs.)
END