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  •  /  Friends  /  S01E16 The One With Two Parts, part 1


    • new scene
    • Scene 1

      Rift's Restaurant, as seen in Mad About You, Joey and Chandler are there.

    • chandler
    • Chandler
      This is unbelievable. It's been like a half an hour. If this was a cartoon, you'd be looking like a ham right about now.
    • (Ursula Buffay, Phoebe's identical twin sister, is waiting on tables in her inimitable manner.)
    • joey
    • Joey
      There's the waitress. Excuse me, Miss. Hello, Miss?
    • (Ursula spins around looking puzzled, quite unable to tell where the sound is coming from.)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      It's Phoebe! Hi!
    • (Ursula notices Joey waving his hand, and comes over.)
    • Ursula
      Hi. Okay, will that be all?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Wait, wait! Wh-what are you doing here?
    • Ursula
      Yeah, um, I was over there, then you said, "Excuse me, hello Miss," so now I'm here.
    • joey
    • Joey
      No, no... how come you are working here?
    • Ursula
      Right, yeah, 'cause its close to where I live, and the aprons are really cute.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Can we start over?
    • Ursula
      Yeah. Okay great. I'm gonna be over here. (She wanders away.)
    • joey
    • Joey
      No, no, no!
    • OPENING CREDITS
    • new scene
    • Scene 2

      A wintry February day in New York City, snowplows are clearing the streets. Inside Central Perk, all three girls are paying court to Ross.

    • ross
    • Ross
      I don't know whether he's testing me, or just acting out, but my monkey is out of control. But, he keeps erasing the messages on my machine, "supposedly" by accident.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      No, yeah, I've done that.
    • ross
    • Ross
      And then, like three days in a row he got to the newspaper before I did, and peed all over the crossword.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      I've never done that.
    • (Outside in the street, Joey and Chandler arrive, to peer through the window at Phoebe, by bending down to look underneath the shop's sign-a large steaming cup of coffee.)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      All right, now look at her and tell me she doesn't look exactly like her sister.
    • joey
    • Joey
      I'm sayin' I see a difference.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      They're twins!
    • joey
    • Joey
      I don't care. Phoebe's Phoebe. Ursula's... hot!
    • (Joey and Chandler come indoors.)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      You know that thing, when you and I talk to each other about things?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Let's not do that any more.
    • (They hang up their coats and scarves, then approach their friends on the main sofa.)
    • Everyone
      Hey guys! Hey!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey Pheebs, guess who we saw today.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Ooh, ooh, fun! Okay... um, Liam Neeson.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Nope.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Morly Safer.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Nope.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      The woman who cuts my hair!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Okay, look, this could be a really long game.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Your sister Ursula.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      (Her face dropping) Oh, really.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yeah, yeah, she works over at that place, uh...
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Rift's. Yeah, I know.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh, you do? Because she said you guys haven't talked in like years.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Hmmm? Yeah. So, um, is she fat?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Not from where I was standin'.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      (Turning to Chandler) where were you standing?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Um, Pheebs, so, you guys just don't get along?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      It's mostly just dumb sister stuff, you know, I mean, like, everyone always thought of her as the pretty one, you know... Oh, oh, she was the first one to start walking, even though I did it... later that same day. But, to my parents, by then it was like "yeah, right, well what else is new?"
    • ross
    • Ross
      Oh, Pheebs, I'm sorry, I've got to go. I've got Lamaze class.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh, and I've got Earth Science, but I'll catch you in Gym.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      So, is this just gonna be you and Carol?
    • ross
    • Ross
      No, Susan's gonna be there too. We've got dads, we've got lesbians, the whole parenting team.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Well, isn't, isn't that gonna be weird?
    • ross
    • Ross
      No, no. (Distractedly putting on a jacket to go out) I mean, it mighta been at first, but by now I, I think I'm pretty comfortable with the whole situation.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Ross, that's my jacket.
    • ross
    • Ross
      I know.
    • (Rachel grins as Ross removes the girlie jacket, grabs his own, and rushes out.)
    • new scene
    • Scene 3

      The Lamaze class, several couples and one trio sit on the floor, introducing themselves to the teacher, who's got as far as a woman sitting next to Ross, Carol, and Susan.

    • Woman
      Hi, we're the Rostins. Err, I'm J.C., and he's Michael, and we're having a boy, and a girl.
    • Teacher
      Good for you. Alrighty, next?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hi, um, I'm err, (has to clear his throat) I'm Ross Geller, and err ah... (pats Carol's bulge) ..that's, that's my boy in there, and uh, (points) this is Carol Willick, and this... is Susan Bunch. Susan is um Carol's, just, com... (embarrassment finally overwhelms the poor fellow, who becomes incoherent until) ..who's next?
    • Teacher
      I'm sorry, I didn't get... Susan is?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Susan is Carol's, Carol's, Carol's, friend...
    • Carol
      Life partner.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Like buddies.
    • Susan
      Like lovers.
    • ross
    • Ross
      You know how close women can get.
    • (The teacher smiles, but her eyebrows go up. Susan and Carol pat each other affectionately.)
    • Carol
      Susan and I live together.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Although I was married to her.
    • Susan
      Carol, not me.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Err, right.
    • Carol
      It's a little complicated.
    • ross
    • Ross
      A little.
    • Susan
      But we're fine.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Absolutely. (Turns back to the woman next to him.) So, twins... hah! That's like two births. (He struggles again.) Ouch.
    • new scene
    • Scene 4

      Chandler's Office, Chandler is working.

    • (Helen's buzzer is heard on the intercom, so Chandler presses his button, too.)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      And (he imitates the buzzer) to you too, Helen.
    • Helen
      (Over the intercom) Nina Bookbinder is here to see you.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh, okay. Send her in.
    • (He hurriedly checks his hair in his computer screen, before taking a sporting trophy from a drawer to place ostentatiously on his desk. An attractive young woman opens the door.)
    • Nina
      Hi.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Hi, Nina. Come on in.
    • Nina
      You wanted to see me?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Uh, Yes. Yes. I've just been going over your data here, and little thing, you've been post-dating your Friday numbers.
    • Nina
      Which is bad, because?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Well, it throws my WENUS out of whack.
    • Nina
      Your... excuse me?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      WENUS. (Coughs) Weekly Estimated Net...
    • Nina
      Oh, Net Usage Statistics, right. Gotcha, gotcha. Won't happen again. I wouldn't want to do anything to hurt your... "wenus."
    • (Nina beams flirtatiously at Chandler, who catches her drift, but for once he's lost for something to say – so she nods her head to tell him that he's thinking correctly...)
    • new scene
    • Scene 5

      Monica and Rachel's, Ross, Chandler, and the girls are dividing some Chinese takeout, while the sitcom Family Matters is playing on the TV.

    • chandler
    • Chandler
      It's not just that she's cute, okay. It's just that... she's really really cute.
    • ross
    • Ross
      It doesn't matter. You don't dip your pen in the company ink.
    • (Marcel scampers about, interfering with the neatness.)
    • monica
    • Monica
      Ross, your little creature's got the remote again.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Marcel, Marcel, give Rossie the remote. Marcel. Marcel, you give Rossie the remote right now... Marce... you give Rossie the remote...
    • (Marcel points the remote at Monica's television, pressing a particular combination of keys. The logo SAP appears on the screen, and suddenly the dialogue is dubbed into Spanish.)
    • monica
    • Monica
      Great.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Relax, I'll fix it.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      (Looking at the television) Cool... "Urkel" in Spanish is "Urkel."
    • ross
    • Ross
      (looking at the remote) How did he do this?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (Looking out at the balcony) So tell me something, is leaving the Christmas lights up part of your plan to keep us merry all year long?
    • (Rachel slowly spins around, finally noticing that the lights have outstayed their welcome.)
    • monica
    • Monica
      Ah no, you see, someone was supposed to take them down around New Year's... but obviously someone forgot.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Well, someone was supposed to write "Rach, take down the lights" and put it on the re... frigerate... (finally noticing Monica's note stuck to the refrigerator) How long has that been there?
    • (Joey enters, looking extremely pleased with himself.)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Hey, where you been?
    • joey
    • Joey
      I went back to Riff's. I think Ursula likes me. All I ordered was coffee, she brought me a tuna meltt and four plates of curly fries.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Score.
    • joey
    • Joey
      She is so hot!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yeah, listen. Okay, before you do anything Joey-like, you might wanna run it by err... (he indicates Phoebe, who is helping Ross understand the remote control.)
    • joey
    • Joey
      Pheebs?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      (Jumping up) Yeah?
    • joey
    • Joey
      You think it would be okay if I asked out your sister?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Why? Why would you wanna... do that? Why?
    • joey
    • Joey
      So that if we went out on a date, she'd be there.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Well, I mean, I'm not my sister's, you know, whatever, and um... I mean, it's true, we were one egg, once, but err, you know, we've grown apart, so, um... I don't know, why not? Okay.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Cool, thanks.
    • (He happily gestures at Chandler that there was nothing to worry about, then exits. Rachel and Monica are concerned for poor Phoebe, who slides back down next to Ross.)
    • ross
    • Ross
      You okay?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Yeah I'm fine.
    • ross
    • Ross
      You wanna watch Laverne y Shirley?
    • (The sitcom begins with its familiar refrain, yet with a Latin lilt. Rachel and Monica do a little dance with their chopsticks, and Phoebe has to grin as Ross joins in the rhythm.)
    • new scene
    • Scene 6

      Lamaze class. Susan is there. Each couple has a doll, for they have just finished learning how to change a diaper. As Ross rushes in, stepping on the Rostins' pretend baby, squashing its head flat. It bleats, in protest. He performs emergency surgery, then hands the doll back to J.C.

    • ross
    • Ross
      Sorry.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hi. Sorry I'm late. Where's, where's Carol?
    • Susan
      Stuck at school. Some parent-teacher thing. You can go. I'll get the information.
    • ross
    • Ross
      No... No... No. I think I should stay, I think we should both know what's going on.
    • Susan
      Oh, good. This'll be fun.
    • Teacher
      Alrighty. We're gonna start with some basic third stage breathing exercises, so Mummies, why don't you get on your back? And... coaches, you should be supporting Mummy's head.
    • (Ross and Susan each gesture for the other to lie down.)
    • Ross and Susan
      What? What? What?
    • Susan
      I am supposed to be the mommy?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Okay, I'm gonna play my sperm card one more time.
    • Susan
      Look, I don't see why I should have to miss out on the coaching training just because I'm a woman.
    • ross
    • Ross
      I see. So what do you propose to do?
    • Susan
      I will flip you for it.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Flip me for it? No, no, no... heads, heads, heads!
    • Susan
      (Triumphantly) On your back... Mom.
    • (Ross gets down like all the other mothers, cradled in Susan's lap like all the other fathers.)
    • Teacher
      Alright, Mommies, take a nice deep cleansing breath.
    • (Forgetting herself, Susan does the "Mommy" action with Ross.)
    • Teacher
      Good. Now imagine your vagina is opening like a flower.
    • (Ross comes out of character to glare into the distance.)
    • new scene
    • Scene 7

      Chandler's Office. Chandler is playing with a toy as his boss Mr. Douglas knocks and opens the door.

    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Mr. D, how's it going, sir?
    • Mr. Douglas
      Ohh, it's been better. The Annual Net Usage Statistics are in.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      And?
    • Mr. Douglas
      It's pretty ugly. We haven't seen an ANUS this bad since the seventies.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      So what does this mean?
    • Mr. Douglas
      Well, we're gonna be layin' off people in every department.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Hey, listen, I know I came in late last week, but I slept funny, and my hair was very very –
    • Mr. Douglas
      Not you. Relax. Ever have to fire anyone?
    • new scene
    • Scene 8

      Chandler's Office, later that day, Nina is in his office.

    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Nina? Nina. (He goes around his desk to where she is sitting.) Nina. (In pain) Nina.
    • (She sympathetically reaches out to fondle the inner thigh of his left leg.)
    • Nina
      Are you okay?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (Looking down at her hand) Yes, yes I am. Err, listen, the reason that I called you in here today was, err... please don't hate me.
    • Nina
      (Taking her hand away) What?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (Suddenly bright) Would you like to have dinner sometime?
    • (Nina gasps in surprise and relief.)
    • new scene
    • Scene 9

      Central Perk, Rachel is at the counter, serving coffee to Phoebe.

    • rachel
    • Rachel
      So Pheebs, what do you want for your birthday?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Well, what I really want is for my mom to be alive and enjoy it with me.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Okay... Let me put it this way. Anything from Crabtree and Evelyn?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Ooh! Bath salts would be nice.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ooh, okay... good.
    • (Jamie Buchman and Fran Devanow enter the coffee house. They look about them as Jamie removes her coat and scarf.)
    • Jamie
      What is this place?
    • Fran
      Look, you're cold, I have to pee, and... (indicating the sign) ..there's a cup of coffee on the window. How bad could it be?
    • (Jamie notices Phoebe sitting at the counter.)
    • Jamie
      I think we have an answer.
    • Fran
      What's she doing here?
    • Jamie
      This could be God's way of telling us to eat at home.
    • Fran
      Think she got fired at Riff's?
    • Jamie
      No, no, no. We were there last night. She kept... (shuddering at the memory) ..bringing swordfish. (Indicating the ladies' bathroom) are you gonna go to the, um?
    • Fran
      I'm gonna wait till after we order. It's her, right.
    • Jamie
      It looks like her.
    • (Phoebe walks by, ignoring the two strangers.)
    • Jamie
      Um, excuse me.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Yeah?
    • Jamie
      Hi, it's us.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      (Smiling blankly) Right, and it's me.
    • Jamie
      So, so you're here too?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Much as you are.
    • Jamie
      (Without moving her lips) Your turn.
    • Fran
      Err... we know what we want.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      (Philosophically) Oh, that's good.
    • Jamie
      All we want is two Caffe Lattes.
    • Fran
      And some biscottie cookies.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Good choice.
    • (Phoebe turns away so that the two weird women won't see the face she pulls, and sits down.)
    • Jamie
      Definitely her.
    • Fran
      Yeah.
    • COMMERCIAL BREAK
    • new scene
    • Scene 10

      Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is watching a Spanish version of The Waltons. At a nearby table sit Monica knitting, Rachel winding a ball of wool, and Chandler supplying them both from a skein which is spread between his hands.

    • (Phoebe uses the remote to stop the Spanish by turning off the television.)
    • monica
    • Monica
      I can't believe you. You still haven't told that girl she doesn't have a job yet?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Well, you still haven't taken down the Christmas lights.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Congratulations, I think you've found the world's thinnest argument.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      I'm just trying to find the right moment, you know?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, well, that shouldn't be so hard, now that you're dating. (Imitating men at their worst) "Sweetheart, you're fired, but how 'bout a quickie before I go to work?"
    • (Joey lets himself in, carrying a large paper shopping bag.)
    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Hey.
    • (There is a loud knocking at the door through which Joey has just entered.)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      You know, once you're inside, you don't have to knock any more.
    • monica
    • Monica
      I'll get it.
    • (She rises, dragging Chandler along by the wool. Rachel has to leap over a chair to follow them. Monica opens the door to find Mr. Heckles standing there.)
    • monica
    • Monica
      Oh. Hi, Mr.Heckles.
    • Mr.Heckles
      You're doing it again.
    • monica
    • Monica
      We're not doing anything. We're just sitting around talking, quietly.
    • Mr.Heckles
      I can hear you through the ceiling. My cats can't sleep.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      You don't even have cats.
    • Mr.Heckles
      I could have cats.
    • monica
    • Monica
      (Closing the door) Goodbye Mr.Heckles.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      We'll try to keep it down.
    • (The wool-bound trio returns to the table. Rachel has to rush ahead to avoid becoming tangled. Joey brings the shopping bag over to Phoebe, and takes out a nice cardigan.)
    • joey
    • Joey
      Phoebe, could you do me a favour? Could you try this on? I just wanna make sure it fits.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Ooh, my first birthday present... (delightedly examining the cardigan in her lap) ..oh, this is really...
    • joey
    • Joey
      Oh, no no no. It's for Ursula. I just figured, you know, size-wise.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Ohhh... Sure, yeah... (disgustedly dropping the cardigan back into the bag) ..okay, it fits.
    • (The others have been taking all this in.)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Are you seein' her again tonight?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yep. Ice Capades.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Wow, this is serious. I've never known you to pay money for any kind of capade.
    • joey
    • Joey
      I don't know. I like her, you know. She's different. There's uh, somethin' about her.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      That you like, (snappily confronting Joey over the heads of the knitting circle) we get it. You like her. Great!
    • (The circle freezes in apprehension.)
    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey, Phoebe, I asked you, and you said it was okay.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Alright, well, maybe now it's not okay.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Okay... Well maybe now I'm not okay with it not being okay.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Okay.
    • (An embarrassed silence... finally broken by)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Knit, good woman, knit, knit!
    • (Monica frantically bursts into action as Rachel resumes winding, tangling Chandler's wool.)
    • new scene
    • Scene 11

      Chandler's Office, Chandler & Nina are locked in a passionate embrace. Someone knocks, so they hurriedly separate to stare out of the window. Chandler's boss opens the door.

    • chandler
    • Chandler
      And that's the Chrysler Building right there.
    • Mr. Douglas
      Nina.
    • Nina
      Mr.Douglas... (flirting defensively) ..cool tie.
    • (She escapes, fortunately so distracting Mr. Douglas, that he misses Chandler's expression of alarm & guilt.)
    • Mr. Douglas
      (Shutting the door, then pointing vaguely at Nina's shapely departure) She's still here.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yes, yes she is. Didn't I memo you on this? See, after I let her go, err, I got a call from her psychiatrist, Dr. Flanen-nen, Dr. Flanen, Dr. Flan.
    • (Thinking quickly, Chandler desperately tries to remember anything to do with schizophrenia....)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      And err, he informed me that uh, she took the news rather badly, in fact, he uh, mentioned the word frenzy.
    • Mr. Douglas
      You're kidding? She seems so...
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh, no, no. Nina... (miming fairies twinkling around his head) ..she is whooo wewee-woo whoo whoo! In fact, if you asked her right now, she would have no recollection of being fired at all, none at all.
    • Mr. Douglas
      That's unbelievable.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      And yet, believable. So I decided not to fire her again until I can be assured that she will be no threat to herself, or others.
    • Mr. Douglas
      I see. I guess you never really know what's goin' on inside a person's head.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Well, I guess that's why they call it psychology, sir.
    • (Mr. Douglas screws up his eyes, trying to credit what Bing has just said, but turning to follow Nina down the corridor, he realises Bing must be telling the truth, since he would not have any personal interest in the girl, would he?)
    • new scene
    • Scene 12

      Lamaze class, Ross is again on the floor, cradled in Susan's lap, but now Carol is cradled in his lap, and she has a pretend baby, on her lap. The teacher is showing her class a video, which is about to end.

    • Soothing male voice
      ..a sound Mom and Dad never forget. For this after all, is the miracle of birth.
    • Teacher
      Lights please? And that's having a baby. Next week is our final class.
    • (People start getting up. Ross grabs Carol's doll to hold it upside down like a football, slapping it with his other hand.)
    • ross
    • Ross
      Susan, go deep.
    • (Susan just glares back, as Ross's inappropriate joke falls flat. Meanwhile, a bubble is about to burst...)
    • Carol
      This is impossible. It's just impossible.
    • Susan
      What is, honey?
    • Carol
      What that woman... did. I am not doin' that. It's just gonna have to stay in, that's all, everything will be the same, it'll just stay in.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Carol, honey, shhh, shhh, everything's gonna be alright.
    • Carol
      (screaming at Ross) Oh, what do you know? No one's going up to you and saying, "Hi, is that your nostril? Mind if we push this pot roast through it?"
    • Susan
      Carol, Carol, sweetie. Cleansing breath.
    • (Both women gulp in air. Ross looks at his "football," then manipulates the head & limbs back into place, until it resembles what it represents.)
    • Susan
      I know it's frightening, but, big picture. The birth part is just one day, and when it's over, we're all gonna be parents for the rest of our lives.
    • (Ross is staring blankly into space.)
    • Susan
      I mean, that's what this is all about, right? Ross? Ross?
    • new scene
    • Scene 13

      Central Perk, the gang is gathered around Monica comforting her brother, who in a slight state of shock is cuddling a cushion for security.

    • ross
    • Ross
      I'm gonna be a father.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      This is just occurring to you?
    • ross
    • Ross
      I always knew I was havin' a baby, I just never realised the baby was having me.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      (She comforts him too) Oh, you're gonna be great!
    • ross
    • Ross
      Aw, how can you say that? I can't even get Marcel to stop eating the bath mat. How am I gonna raise a kid?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      You know, Ross, some scientists are now saying that, that monkeys and babies are actually different.
    • (Joey tires of this, so he gets up to leave.)
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Where're you going?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Out.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      With?
    • joey
    • Joey
      (Spreading his arms wide) Yes.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Alright, could I just ask you one question?
    • (Joey nods his head.)
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Have you two, you know... like... you know... you know... yet?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Well, not that it's any of your business, but, no, we haven't, okay?
    • (Joey walks toward the door, then hesitates and turns back.)
    • joey
    • Joey
      You meant sex, right?
    • (Phoebe buttons her lip, while the rest of the gang pretend they're not there.)
    • new scene
    • Scene 14

      Chandler's Office, Chandler is working as Nina knocks, then opens the door.

    • Nina
      Do you have a sec?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Ah, sure, Nina. What's up?
    • Nina
      I don't know. For the past couple days, people have been avoiding me and giving me these really strange looks.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh, well, ah... maybe that's because they're ah... jealous, of us.
    • Nina
      Maybe. But that doesn't explain why they keep taking my scissors.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Ah, well, maybe that's, ah, because you're getting a big raise.
    • Nina
      I am?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Sure, why not?
    • Nina
      Oh my god! (Rushing over to give him a big hug) You're amazing!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh, you don't know. (Presses a button.) Helen, could you make sure we put through the paperwork on Miss Bookbinder's raise?
    • Helen
      (Over the intercom) So you still want me to send her psychological profile to Personnel?
    • Nina
      What?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Helen drinks. (Insincerely) Will you marry me?
    • (Nina puts her hands on her hips, then gives Chandler a quizzical look.)
    • new scene
    • Scene 15

      Monica and Rachel's, Ross, Rachel, Chandler, and Phoebe are sharing a bowl of popcorn, while Monica carefully reads the instruction manual for her television set.

    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Well, I ended up telling her everything.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, how'd she take it?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Pretty well. Except for the stapler thing. (He holds up a bandaged hand.) Little tip: if you're ever in a similar situation, never ever leave your hand... (he mimes Nina taking her revenge) ..on the desk.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Okay, I think I get how to do this.
    • (Monica points the remote at her TV, and punches out a key combination from the book, but the dreaded SAP logo remains and Spanish still comes forth.)
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Alright, so, can we turn this off? Can we just make it... make them go away? Because I can't, I can't watch.
    • monica
    • Monica
      (Remotely turning off the television) okay, Pheebs, they're gone.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Okay.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Are you alright?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Yeah. It's just, you know, it's this whole stupid Ursula thing, it's...
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Okay, Pheebs, can I ask? So, he's going out with her. I mean, is it really so terrible?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Um, yeah. Look, I mean, I'm not saying she's like evil or anything. She just, you know, she's always breaking my stuff. When I was eight, and I wouldn't let her have my Judy Jetson thermos, so she threw it under the bus. And then, oh, and then there was Randy Brown, who was like... Have you ever had a boyfriend who was like your best friend?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      (Wistfully, shaking their heads) No.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Well, but that's what he was for me. And she you know, kind of stole him away, and then... broke his heart... and then he wouldn't even talk to me any more. Because he said he didn't wanna be around... anything that looked like either one of us.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh... Oh, Pheebs.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      I mean, I know Joey is not my boyfriend, or my thermos, or anything, but...
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      You're not gonna lose him.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Hon, you gotta talk to Joey.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Yeah. Okay.
    • ross
    • Ross
      No, come on, he doesn't know this stuff. If he knew how you felt.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      But he's falling in love with her.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh please, they've been going out a week. They haven't even slept together yet, I mean, that's not serious.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Okay... Okay.
    • (Monica and Ross indicate that they mean right now.)
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh, okay, oh.
    • (Phoebe gets up and walks across the hallway, but the door to Chandler and Joey's apartment is shut. She knocks, and anxiously waits for Joey to come, but instead her identical twin sister emerges wearing one of Joey's shirts.)
    • Ursula
      (Surprised) Oh.
    • (Phoebe reels back in shock, while Ursula defiantly leans against the doorpost as though she owns the place.)
    • Ursula
      Yeah, um, may we help you?
    • CLOSING CREDITS
    • new scene
    • Scene 16

      Monica and Rachel's Balcony, Rachel is taking down the Christmas lights. Monica sees her, so she leans out of the small side window.

    • monica
    • Monica
      Rachel, what are you doing? It's freezing out here. Would you come back inside?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      No no no no no. You wanted me to take them down, so... (she climbs onto the railing to reach the top of a pole) ..I'm takin' 'em down. Okay? Whoa! (Screams.)
    • (Rachel slips, loses her balance, and falls over the edge..)
    • monica
    • Monica
      Oh-my-god Rachel! (Rushing out to look over the edge) Rachel!
    • (In the apartment below, Mr.Heckles is trying to relax and read his newspaper, but Rachel is helplessly dangling upside-down with her ankle wrapped up in the Christmas lights.)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      (To Monica) I'm okay! I'm okay! (She knocks on Mr. Heckles's window.) Mr. Heckles, Mr. Heckles could you help me please?
    • Mr.Heckles
      See, this is just the kind of thing I was talking about.
    • END