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Scene 1
Central Perk, Rachel is looking around the shop as Phoebe returns from getting some more coffee.
- RachelPhoebe?
- PhoebeYeah?
- RachelLook at that guy by the window, wow!
- PhoebeHe's awfully short and I think he's talking to himself. And to be completely honest, he's not that good in bed.
- RachelOh, what is wrong with me lately? I mean it's like every guy I see-I mean look here. (Points behind them) Look at that guy for example, I mean normally that's not someone I would-would be attracted to, but right now, with the way I'm feeling, all I want to do is rip off his sweatpants and fanny pack.
- PhoebeWait a second! This is about the fourth month of your pregnancy, right?
- RachelYeah.
- PhoebeThis is completely normal, around the fourth month your hormones start going crazy.
- RachelReally?! So this has happened to you?
- PhoebeOh absolutely yeah! Oh and keep in mind, now, I was carrying triplets so in, y'know, medical terms I was-I was thrice as randy.
- RachelWow! This explains so much! Last weekend, I went from store to store sitting on Santa's lap.
- PhoebeYeah. Yeah, I remember trying to steal a cardboard cutout of Evander Holyfield from a Foot Locker.
- RachelAh.
- PhoebeYeah.
- RachelWell, y'know what? I go see my doctor tomorrow, I'll ask her about this. Maybe she can give me a pill or something.
- PhoebeYeah. Yeah, that's what you need a good...pill.
- OPENING CREDITS
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Scene 2
Central Perk, Joey and Ross are there as Mona enters.
- MonaHey! (To Joey) Hey!
- RossHi!
- MonaHi! Look! I got our pictures developed from Rockefeller Center.
- RossOh great! Hey-hey Joey, do you want to check out pictures of me and Mona ice skating?
- JoeyOh uh, ordinarily I would love too, but I am just swamped right now. (Brushes something off of his shirt and looks around, but doesn't move from his chair.)
- RossHey where-where are the pictures that creepy pretzel vendor took of us together?
- MonaOh yeah, probably at the end. (Flips to the end.) Oh my God! He only took pictures of my breasts!
- JoeyI'm missin' picture time?! (Jumps over to look, Ross glares at him and he retreats.)
- Phoebe(sitting down next to Ross) Y'know she has a face Ross!
- MonaOkay. Okay, here's a good one of us.
- RossWow! That is a good one! Wow, it looks like a, like a holiday card y'know, with the tree in the middle and the skaters and the snow.
- MonaY'know, every year I say I'm gonna send out holiday cards and I never do it. Do you wanna, do you wanna send this one out together?
- Ross(pause) Together? Like-like to people?
- MonaYeah, y'know. Happy holidays from Mona and Ross. It'll be cute, okay?
- RossOkay. (Not happy about it.)
- MonaOh, I gotta get to work. So call me later?
- RossUh sure, sure.
- MonaBye guys.
- PhoebeBye.
- (Mona exits.)
- Joey(To Ross) Congratulations! You just got married!
- RossI know. Can you believe that?
- PhoebeWait, I'm-I'm sorry. What's the big deal about a holiday card?
- RossMarried couples send out cards, families send out cards, people who have been dating for a couple of months do not send out cards! What-what is she crazy?!
- JoeyHey-hey-hey, hey that's your wife you're talking about!
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Scene 3
Chandler's Office, his boss Doug is entering, Monica is there as well.
- DougBing! Ho! And the Bing-ette!
- ChandlerHoney, you remember my boss Doug right?
- MonicaYes, hi.
- DougHi. So good news, the divorce is final. I signed the papers this A.M.
- ChandlerI didn't know you and Carol were getting divorced, I'm sorry.
- DougSorry? Finally chewed my leg out of that bear trap. Hey, congratulations to you guys though!
- MonicaNo leg-chewing for us sir.
- DougOh well, give it time. So the divorce, the marriage, we've got a lot to celebrate. How about we all go out to dinner tomorrow night?
- MonicaI can't think of anything we're doing. (Quietly) Why can't I think of anything we're doing?
- DougTomorrow night it is then, I should be out of court by six. They keep throwing these sexual harassment cases at me and I keep knocking them out of the park!
- MonicaOkay, I'll see you tomorrow! (Doug exits.) Just so you know, we're not seeing him tomorrow. (Chandler wonders why.) I-I cannot spend another evening with that man. Do you remember how he behaved at our wedding?
- ChandlerNo.
- MonicaThat's because he wasn't invited because of the way he behaved at our engagement party.
- ChandlerOh yeah. Boy, urine cuts right through an ice sculpture doesn't it?
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Scene 4
Ross's Apartment, there's a knock on the door and he opens it to Mona.
- MonaHi!
- RossHey!
- MonaHey, I went by the photo shop, take a look, here is a mockup of our card. What do you think?
- RossHuh. Wow, this is great.
- MonaNow, do you think it should say, "Love Ross and Mona?"
- RossWell, we-we haven't said that to each other yet, but I guess its okay to say it to other people.
- MonaHow many did you want? I'm getting a hundred.
- RossA hundred?! Well, I-I guess I'll take a-Mona, uh...I-I'm not sure about the whole uh, card thing.
- MonaReally? Why not?
- RossSending out a holiday card, together, I mean I just don't know if we're really quite there yet.
- MonaOh y'know, I didn't think of it that way. You're right. You're right. So, can I ask you a question?
- RossYeah.
- MonaWhere are we?
- RossHuh.
- MonaY'know, like where are we? Where is this relationship going?
- RossHmm...
- MonaI mean I love spending time with you, y'know I just-I hope we're moving forward. I mean, we should probably talk about that. Don't you think?
- (Pause.)
- RossLet's do the card!
- MonaWhat?
- RossThe card! I think we're there!
- MonaOkay. I-But I think we should still have this conversation.
- RossReally?! I mean, even with the card?
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Scene 5
Rachel's Doctor's Office, she is waiting for her doctor as a nurse enters.
- NurseHi!
- RachelHi!
- NurseJust so you know, Dr. Long can't be here today, she was called to the hospital, so Dr. Schiff will be seeing you.
- RachelOh, okay. Hey, can I ask you a question? Was it me, or-or was the guy who took my blood sample really cute? Y'know who I'm talking about, bald haircut, hairy fingers... (Stops when she realizes it was her.)
- Dr. Schiff(entering) Hi Rachel? I'm Dr. Schiff. (By the way, he's an attractive man.)
- RachelYes, you are.
- Dr. SchiffSo, how's it going?
- RachelOh, really, really good. But enough about me, come on! Where-where are you from? What do you do?
- Dr. SchiffI'm a doctor.
- RachelRight! Right! I-I actually meant in your spare time, do you cook? Do you ski? Or do you just hang out with your wife or girlfriend?
- Dr. SchiffUh, I don't have a wife or girlfriend, but I do like to ski.
- RachelOh, I love to ski! How amazing is this?!
- Dr. SchiffSo, are you experiencing any discomfort?
- RachelNo. I'm very comfortable.
- Dr. SchiffAny painful gas?
- RachelNo! Shoot, Dr. Schiff what kind of question is that?!
- Dr. SchiffOkay then, would you like to lie down on the table?
- RachelWell would you like me to lie down on the table?
- Dr. SchiffI'm sorry, is there something going on here?
- RachelDo you feel it too?
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Scene 6
Central Perk, Monica and Phoebe are there as Rachel enters.
- RachelHi.
- PhoebeOh hey! So, how did your doctor's appointment go?
- RachelWell, let's see. Uh, they gave me cute doctor today and in the middle of the exam I put my pinky in his chin dimple.
- PhoebeOh my God.
- MonicaWhy did you do that?
- PhoebeOkay, remember that little problem I was having during my fourth month of pregnancy?
- MonicaOh yeah, the Evander Holyfield phase. Oh man you were so hard up you practically came on to me.
- PhoebeYou wish.
- MonicaHey, I could've had you if I wanted you.
- PhoebeOh yeah? Come and get it.
- RachelOkay, even this is turning me on!
- Ross(entering) Hey!
- RachelOh hey! Hey Ross! Hey how's it, how's it going with you and Mona? Are you guys still together?
- RossOh yeah, yeah we're moving forward. You'll be getting our card!
- MonicaYou and Mona are doing a holiday card together?
- RossYeah, we're not just doing a card! Y'know, she-she also wants to have the conversation about where the relationship is going.
- PhoebeUgh! Women!
- RossI know! I know! Why do you guys need to have this conversation?! Huh? I mean no self-respecting man would ask a woman, "So, where is this going?"
- RachelUh Ross? You asked me that.
- RossHey! You were a closed book! Okay? I'm not a mind reader! Besides, I hate those conversations. I'm horrible at them. Really! Maybe-maybe I need kind of a gesture. Y'know, something that says we're moving forward without having to talk about it.
- MonicaLike asking her to move in with you?
- RossSmaller than that.
- MonicaMaking her a mixed tape?
- RossUh, bigger than that.
- PhoebeGive her a key to your apartment.
- RossWhoa-hello! We were closer with the mixed tape.
- MonicaAll right. Have you said, "I love you?" You could say, I love you.
- RossYeah I-I don't-I don't think I'm quite there yet, but I could say I looove spending time with you.
- PhoebeNo, we hate that.
- MonicaThat is a slap in the face.
- RossForget it. I-I-Y'know what? I'll just have the conversation. I'll just say I like things the way they are, and hope for the best. What do you think Rach?
- RachelI think, if it was a little colder in here I could see your nipples through that sweater.
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Scene 7
Chandler's Office, Doug is entering.
- DougBing! We're all set for tonight, 8 o'clock.
- ChandlerOh uh, as it turns out, we can't do it. Monica has to work.
- DougOh, my ex-wife didn't work, unless you call turning into her mother work. Fine. Tomorrow night then.
- ChandlerOh uh well tomorrow's no good for her either.
- DougOh? Why not?
- ChandlerIt's the semi-finals...of her...botchy ball tournament.
- DougWhat's going on Bing? Does uh, your wife have a problem with me or something?
- ChandlerWell now-now you're just talking crazy.
- DougSo why can't the three of us go out together?
- ChandlerBecause uh...we-we...we split up. Monica and I split up. Hold me.
- DougGood God Bing I...well I can't say I'm altogether surprised, I saw the way she looked at you, and there was no love there. And the way she looked at me, pure lust.
- ChandlerY'know what would really help me through this tough time is choking something. Can I choke ya?
- DougBing my boy, we're gonna get you over this. Now here's the plan, grab your coat, we're going to a strip club.
- ChandlerOh no-no-no, Monica would freak. (Doug looks at him.) But to hell with that bitch.
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Scene 8
Central Perk, Ross is getting Mona some coffee.
- RossHere we go. Mona umm, I think it's time we-we had a conversation about-about where things are with us.
- MonaYeah, I-I think I suggested that.
- RossAw, we-we are so...(Motions that they're connected.) So umm, well I-I-I like you and I-I love umm, y'know hanging out with you. And I mean-I'm having a lot of fun. (He pauses and thinks there might be more, but decides there isn't.)
- MonaOkay.
- RossI mean, there's no point in spending time with someone if-if it's just fun. It's gotta be, it's gotta be going somewhere right? So where-where is it going? (Pause) Ah! That's-that's the real question. And-and the answer is...is it's going somewhere...fun. Now I-I know what you're thinking, fun was fine for you like ten years ago y'know, but you're-you're not getting any younger. No I mean-No not you, not you, you-you are getting younger. I mean-you-you look like you're getting younger by the second-What's your secret?
- MonaI'm sorry, so umm, so where are we?
- RossWell, well to sum up, we're having fun, you look young.
- MonaOkay...
- RossBut that's not enough. So... So...here's a key to my apartment. (Hands her his key.)
- MonaReally?!
- RossReally.
- MonaYou don't think this is too fast.
- (Ross groans no.)
- COMMERCIAL BREAK
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Scene 9
Joey and Rachel's, Ross is telling Rachel and Monica about yet another mistake he's made with a woman.
- RachelYou gave her a key to your apartment?!
- RossNot just a key, I gave her the only key! I am now a homeless person in a very serious relationship.
- Phoebe(entering with some guy) Hey. Ooh Ross! How'd the conversation go?
- RossOh great, I live on the street.
- PhoebeWhere?! (Ross exits.)
- RachelHey!
- PhoebeHi! Okay, Monica, Rachel, this is my friend Roger.
- RogerHey everybody.
- MonicaHi Roger.
- PhoebeSo umm, I'm gonna get us some drinks. (To Rachel) Would you help me out?
- RachelYeah. (They go into the kitchen.)
- PhoebeUmm, he's here to have sex with you.
- RachelWhat?
- PhoebeYou're welcome.
- RachelPhoebe no!
- PhoebeIt's okay, he's a virgin.
- MonicaRachel umm, I was just talking to this guy and I think he'll have sex with you.
- PhoebeYeah, okay let's leave these two alone.
- RachelNo! I do not care what my hormones are doing, I am not going to just do it with some random guy!
- PhoebeFine! Then you tell Roger because he was really looking forward to this! (Phoebe exits.)
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Scene 10
A Strip Club, Doug and Chandler are there.
- DougOh Bing, look at those twin sisters dancing together. Let me buy you a lap dance with those girls. Huh?
- ChandlerOh that's all right sir, and that's just one girl.
- DougBing-What's this?! (Grabs his hand.)
- ChandlerIt's a hand. It's a thing you use as a Jack and Coke holder.
- DougNo, it's a wedding ring. You gotta get rid of it. We're gonna go to the East River right now and throw it in there!
- ChandlerOh no-no-no!
- DougOh yeah-yeah-yeah, y'know I did it and I felt a hell of a lot better and if you whip it just right you might hit a seagull in the head.
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Scene 11
Ross's Apartment, a locksmith has finished changing the locks on Ross's door.
- RossOkay, and oh I'm gonna need a bunch of extra keys. Apparently I give them away for no reason at all.
- Mona(entering) Hey Ross, what's going on? You changing the lock?
- RossNo. That guy is.
- MonaI don't understand. You-you give me a key to your apartment and then you change the lock.
- LocksmithGood luck buddy. (Exits.)
- MonaUmm, I-I thought we were moving forward and now you're-you're sending me all these mixed signals. What are you trying to tell me?
- RossI'm trying to tell you I made you a mix tape.
- MonaWhat?
- RossI love you!
- MonaOhh! (Hugs him.) And I love spending time with you. (Ross isn't happy.)
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Scene 12
Monica and Chandler's, Monica is eating dinner as Chandler enters.
- ChandlerHi honey I'm home.
- MonicaFrom the tequila factory?
- ChandlerIt was awful. To get out of going to dinner with Doug I told him that you and I split up. So then he took me to all these strip clubs and sleazy bars, and then when I wouldn't give him my wedding ring, he threw a soda can at a bird!
- MonicaCome here. I can breath through my mouth.
- ChandlerY'know what the worse part was? I got to see what my life would be like without you. It was like It's a Wonderful Life with lap dances. Please promise that you will never leave me, that we will grow old together, and be with each other for the rest of our lives.
- MonicaI promise. Hey, speaking of together, how about we send out a holiday card this year?
- ChandlerOoh, I don't know if we're there yet.
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Scene 13
Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is on the phone.
- RachelYes. Hi, I'd like to order a pizza. Okay, can I ask you a question? Is-is the cute blond guy delivering tonight? Very Ambercrombie & Fitch. (Joey enters.) I'll call you back.
- JoeyWho was that?
- RachelIt's just the pizza place.
- JoeyYou hung up on the pizza place? I don't hang up on your friends.
- RachelI'm sorry honey, I'm just having a, having a rough day.
- JoeyOh, what's wrong?
- RachelOh you really, you really just don't want to hear about it.
- JoeyThen why did I ask?
- RachelOkay, it's just-and this is really embarrassing-but lately with this whole pregnancy thing I'm just finding myself...how do I put this umm, erotically charged.
- JoeyIs that college talk for horny?
- RachelYeah. So y'know, I have all of these feelings and I don't know what to do about them, because I can't date like a normal person, which is fine because I don't need a relationship, I mean all I really want is one great night. Just sex, y'know? No strings attached, no relationship, just with someone that I feel comfortable with and who knows what he's doing. For just one great night, I mean is that really so...hard...to find. (Looks at Joey.) So how was your day?
- JoeyGood, I uh, I saw a pretty big pigeon.
- RachelWell, I gotta get up early and it's almost seven o'clock.
- JoeyYeah, I gotta, I gotta go to my room too.
- RachelOkay, good night!
- JoeyGood night. (They both enter their rooms.)
- (Pause.)
- Joey(entering) I can't do it!
- Rachel(entering) I didn't ask you to do it!
- JoeyYou're Rachel!
- RachelYou're Joey!
- JoeyYou're my friend!
- RachelRight back at ya!
- JoeyBut plus, it would be wrong and weird and-and-and bad.
- RachelAnd so bad. I don't even know what you're talking about because I didn't ask you to do anything!
- JoeyI know!
- (Pause.)
- JoeyDo you wanna do it?
- RachelNo!
- JoeyAll right, me neither! I was just testing you!
- RachelThat's the end of this conversation!
- JoeyThis conversation never happened!
- RachelNever happened! Good night!
- JoeyGood night!
- (They both go into their rooms and after a little while Rachel pokes her head into the living room.)
- JoeyGet back in there! (Rachel re-enters her room and closes the door.)
- CLOSING CREDITS
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Scene 14
Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is there as Phoebe enters.
- PhoebeHi. Listen, I'm sorry about that whole thing with Roger. It really wasn't right, and I, and I want to make it up to you, so umm, I brought you something that I think you'll really enjoy. (Goes into the hallway and returns carrying the Evander Holyfield cutout.) Now, this is just a loan. Okay? I'm gonna, I'm gonna want him back. So... (Looks at him longingly) I'm gonna go now. (Exits.) (Pause) (Entering) I'm sorry, I thought I could do it and I can't! (She grabs the cutout and exits for good.)
- END