The One With The Rumor | S08E09

/ Friends / S08E09 The One With The Rumor

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Scene 1

Joey and Rachel's, Joey is reading What to Expect When You're Expecting as Rachel enters from her bedroom.

Joey

Hey Rach listen, did you know that during pregnancy your fingers swell up to twice their size and never go back.

Rachel

(looking at her fingers) Oh my...God! Let me see that! (Grabs the book from him.)

Joey

(laughing) You fall for it every time!

Phoebe

(entering) Hey!

Rachel

Hi!

Phoebe

I brought you my old maternity clothes! (Sets a bag on the counter.)

Rachel

Oh Pheebs that's so sweet-(Grabs a pair of pants)-Ooh, those are so cute!

Phoebe

Yeah! And look, (Grabs the pants) see how they expand as the baby grows? (There's a stretchy part in front.) And then after the baby's born, they're great for shoplifting melons.

Monica

(entering) Oh good you're all here. Thanksgiving tomorrow, four o'clock. (To Rachel) Oh, guess who I invited. Remember that guy Will Colbert from high school?

Rachel

No.

Monica

He was in Ross's class...marching band...kinda overweight? Well, really overweight. I mean I was his thin friend.

Rachel

Wow! I don't remember him. Honey, are you sure you're not talking about your imaginary boyfriend.

Monica

No that was Jarred! Wow! I haven't thought about him in a long time... (Stares off into the distance lost in thought.) (Pause) Anyway, umm Will's, Will's here on business and he didn't have a place to go so I invited him here.

Rachel

Oh that's nice.

Monica

Oh, and by the way, he's lost a bunch of weight. I mean he looks goo-ood! Okay, I mean really, really gorgeous! (Joey clears his throat.) I still love Chandler.

Joey

I just want you to say it once in a while.

Monica

All right okay, just so you know, I'm not gonna make a turkey this year.

Joey

What?!

Monica

Well Phoebe doesn't eat turkey...

Joey

Phoebe!

Phoebe

Turkey's are beautiful, intelligent animals!

Joey

No they're not! They're ugly and stupid and delicious!

Monica

All right! Okay, it's just Phoebe. Will's still on a diet, Chandler doesn't eat Thanksgiving food, and Rachel's having her aversion to poultry.

Joey

She is?

Rachel

Remember I had to leave the room the other day when you had that roast chicken?

Joey

Yeah. But I thought that was because I put the whole thing on my hand and made it walk across the table.

Monica

Anyway, it just doesn't seem worth it to make a whole turkey for just three people. Okay? It's a lot of work.

Joey

But you gotta have turkey on Thanksgiving! I mean, Thanksgiving with no turkey is like-like Fourth of July with no apple pie! Or Friday with no two pizzas!

Monica

All right fine! If it means that much to you! But just-there's gonna be a ton left over.

Joey

No there won't! I promise I will finish that turkey!

Monica

All right, you're telling me you can eat an entire turkey in just one sitting?

Joey

That's right! 'Cause I'm a Tribbiani! (To Rachel) And this is what we do! I mean we may not be great thinkers or world leaders, we don't read a lot or run very fast, but damnit! We can eat!

OPENING CREDITS

Scene 2

Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is watching football, and it's actually the right game Green Bay at Detroit (although not this year's), as Monica is getting everything ready.

Monica

Hey, isn't weird to think about how next year at this time they'll be a little baby at the table? (Chandler turns around in horror.) (Seeing him) Rachel's! But good to know where you're at!

Phoebe

(entering) Hey!

Monica

Hey!

Phoebe

Happy Thanksgiving!

Monica

You too!

Phoebe

Anything I can do to help?

Monica

Actually there is. Chandler usually helps me with this, but he's really into the game so I don't want to bother him. Could you help me fold these napkins? (Hands her a stack of them.)

Phoebe

Sure!

Monica

I'm gonna go across the hall to check on the yams.

Phoebe

Okay. (She starts folding the napkins in half.)

Monica

No! No! No! No sweetie! No! Not like that! We're not at a barn dance. You've gotta-you wanna fold them like swans. Like I showed you at Christmas time, remember?

Phoebe

Yeah, it all just came screaming back to me. (Monica exits.) (To Chandler) So how's the game?

Chandler

I have no idea.

Phoebe

What?

Chandler

Yeah! I'm just pretending to watch the game so I don't have to help out with stuff.

Phoebe

I don't believe you! That is...brilliant! And Monica has no idea?

Chandler

Nope! Every once and a while I just scream stuff at the TV.

(Monica enters and Chandler screams stuff at the TV.)

Monica

Is your team winning hon?

Chandler

Yeah! Anderson just scored again! (To Phoebe) There's no Anderson.

Phoebe

Well I want to get in on this. Hey Mon? I don't think I can help you after all, I didn't realize this game was on.

Monica

Oh, I didn't know you liked football.

Phoebe

Well normally I don't, but y'know...(looks at the TV)...Green Bay is playing.

Monica

You like Green Bay?

Phoebe

Well it's only like my favorite bay! {Actually, it's not bad. It just gets a little cold in winter, but in Wisconsin winter only lasts from August to June. J }

(Phoebe joins Chandler on the couch as there is a knock on the door which Monica answers.)

Monica

Hey!

Will

Hey!

(Oh, I should point out that the live studio audience at this point goes absolutely wild. And I had absolutely no idea that this Will character was that popular! Maybe they should make him the seventh friend. Which would work out just fine since he's already married to one of them. Will is played by some guy named Brad Pitt, I guess he's some sort of actor.)

Will

Happy Thanksgiving!

Monica

Aww thanks! God Will I'm so glad that you came! You look great! You must've lost like...

Will

150 pounds. Yeah, I'm gonna be in one of those Subway sandwich commercials.

Monica

A pie! (Will brought a pie.)

Will

Oh right. All right, it's no fat, it's no sugar, it's no dairy...it's no good. Throw it out.

Monica

You wanna meet some people? This is uh; this is my husband Chandler. Chandler, this is Will.

Will

Hey.

Chandler

Oh hey. I'd shake your hand but uh; I'm really into the game. Plus, I think it'd be better for my ego if we didn't stand right next to each other.

Monica

This is Phoebe.

Phoebe

(nonchalantly glancing) Hey. (Turns back around.) Wow! (Looks up.) Well done.

Monica

(to Will) Wanna give me a hand?

Will

Sure! Monica, I can't get over how great you look! You look stunning!

Monica

Well you look incredible too! You're just-you're so fit!

Chandler

I'm watching the game, but I'm not deaf!

Monica

Oh umm, I meant to tell you, Ross is coming.

Will

Ross is coming. Great! I love Ross!

Monica

Good. And Rachel Green too. (Will stops suddenly.)

Will

Oh.

Monica

Is there a problem?

Will

Nope. Uh, it's okay. It's just uh, God I hated her.

Monica

What?

Will

Yeah, I hated her. She was horrible to me in high school. But hey, it was a long time ago, I'm in a good place, it might be actually fun to see her again. You got any cakes or cookies or something? (Starts looking.) No Will no!

Chandler

(To Phoebe) Y'know, it's been a while since we've screamed something. Maybe we should.

Phoebe

Oh okay.

Chandler

Oh come on!

Phoebe

Noooo!! Damn you ref! You burn in hell!!!

(Joey enters eating potato chips.)

Monica

Hey, what are you doing? You gotta save room, you've got almost an entire turkey to eat.

Joey

Let me explain to you how the human body works. I have to warm my stomach first. Eatin' chips is like stretching.

Monica

All right.

Joey

Don't worry, Tribbianis never get full.

Will

I actually know what you're talking about. I'm here to tell you something my friend, you can eat and eat and eat but nothing will ever fill that void.

Joey

(To Monica) Who the hell is this guy?

Monica

Will! From high school.

Joey

Oh hey!

Monica

(to Will) Joey.

Will

Hello.

Ross

(entering) Will!

Will

Ross!

Ross

Hey-hey you came! Man you look incredible! Hot stuff! (They hug and Ross realizes what he said.) Hot stuff?

Will

It's good to see you man.

Ross

Yeah, you too. Man, so-so what are you up to?

Will

I'm a commodities broker.

Ross

Really? Yeah that-that sounds interesting.

Will

Yeah, it's not. But I'm rich and thin.

Ross

Oh! Man I don't think I've seen you since uh, Lance Davis' graduation party.

Will

That was such a fun night!

Ross

Yeah. It would've been good if we had gotten in, but still real fun.

Will

Yeah.

Ross

Yeah.

Will

God we were lame back then. Do you remember how into dinosaurs we were?

Ross

(laughs) Yeah.

Will

So what do you, what do you do now?

Ross

So how long are you in town?

Rachel

(entering, carrying a baking dish) Hi!

Monica

Hey sweetie. Oh good. (Takes the baking dish from her.)

Will

(glaring at Rachel) Rachel Green.

Ross

Aw-oh, that's right. Are-are you gonna be okay?

Will

Oh, I'll-I'll be fine. Just God I hate her Ross! I hate her!

Ross

Will, high school was-was a long time ago.

Ross

Rachel Green and complex carbohydrates.

Rachel

(sees Will) Oh my God Monica, who is that?

Monica

That's Will from high school!

Rachel

Oh! I do not remember him! Wow! He's really got that sexy, smoldering thing going on. (We see Will angrily staring at Rachel.) Oh my God, he's... Look at the way he's just staring at me. I think he's trying to mouth something to me, but I can't make it out. (Will mouths, "I hate you.")

Monica

Okay, dinner's ready!

Chandler

Good game!

Phoebe

Yeah.

Chandler

Yeah. Solid effort. Solid effort.

Monica

Oh, so who won?

Phoebe

(simultaneously) Green Bay.

Chandler

(simultaneously) Detroit.

Monica

What?

Phoebe

Well the Lions technically won, but it was a moral victory for the Green Bay...Mermen.

(They sit down at the table and Will goes to talk to Rachel.)

Rachel

Hi! Will, right?

Will

Right.

Rachel

Hi! I'm Rachel Green.

Will

Oh I-I remember you.

Rachel

Really?! Aren't you sweet! I gotta tell you though, I am, I am having the hardest time placing you. Oh-oh hang on! Did we umm, did we fool around at Lance Davis' graduation party?

Will

You are unbelievable.

Rachel

Thank you!

Monica

(breaking it up) Uh Rachel? Rachel, why don't you sit here? (Next to Joey) And Will you sit way over there. (The other side of the table.)

(Monica sets something on the table and removes the cover. It kinda looks like turkey.)

Joey

That's it?! Even if nobody helps me I can eat that no problem. At least give me a challenge!

Monica

(laughs) This is Chandler's chicken. This is the turkey. (Sets down a huge turkey.)

Joey

(quietly) Oh. How-how big is that?

Monica

About nineteen pounds.

Joey

(To Rachel) It's like me when I was born.

Rachel

All right, who would uh, like some yams? Will?

Will

Oh, you'd like that wouldn't ya?

Rachel

What? (Joey starts offering Ross some turkey.) Oh y'know what? Can we please keep the chicken and the turkey and everything on the other side of the table? The smell is just yuck!

Will

(sneeze talks) Typical.

Rachel

I'm sorry. What?

Will

I said it was typical. Typical of you, Rachel Green, Queen Rachel does whatever she wants in little Rachel land. (Does a fake hair flip.)

Joey

(To Monica) Seriously, who is this guy?

Rachel

Umm, I'm sorry. Do you-do you have a problem with me?

Will

I don't know? Do I? Do I?

Phoebe

I think you do.

Monica

(To Rachel) Apparently you were umm, a little mean to him in high school.

Will

A little mean? You made my life miserable!

Rachel

I'm-I'm-I had no idea. I'm sorry. I...

Will

Well you should be. Screw it! Bring on the yams!

Monica

Oh Will. But you-you've worked so hard...

Will

Yams!!!!

Monica

Okay. (Chandler grabs the dish from Monica and hands it to Will who starts dishing out a large helping.)

Rachel

Uh Will umm, I just want to say that I'm real sorry for whatever I-I did to you in high school...

Will

Oh, it wasn't just me. We had a club!

Rachel

You had a club?!

Will

That's right, The I Hate Rachel Green Club!

Rachel

Whoa! My God! So what, you all just joined together to hate me?! Who else was in this club?

Will

Me and Ross. (Points at Ross.)

Ross

No need to point, she knows who Ross is.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Scene 3

Monica and Chandler's, scene continued from earlier.

Rachel

(To Ross) So you were in an I Hate Rachel club?

Will

Yes he was. (Holds up his hand for a high-five.)

Ross

No. No.

Rachel

So who else was in this club?

Ross

Uh actually, there-there was also that exchange student from Thailand but I-I don't think he-he knew what it was.

Rachel

So Ross, we went out for two years, and you never told me you were in an I Hate Rachel club.

Will

You went out with her?! We had a pact!

Ross

That was in high school! It's not like it was binding forever.

Will

Then why did it have the word eternity in it?

Rachel

Okay Monica, did you know about this?!

Monica

I swear I didn't. (To Ross and Will) Hey! Is that why you guys used to go up to your bedroom and lock the door?

Ross and Will

Yeah.

Monica

Hmm, a little relieved, I gotta say.

Ross

Look Rach I-I'm sorry, okay? I...I was a stupid kid, okay? The only reason I joined...

Will

Co-founded!

Ross

...co-founded. Co-founded the club was because I was insanely in love with you. Obviously I didn't handle it very well. But if you think about it the I Hate Rachel Club was really the I Love Rachel Club.

Will

Uh, except that it was really the I Hate Rachel Club.

Rachel

Okay. So what? You guys would just like get together and like just say mean things about me?

Will

Well, we did a little more than that.

Ross

No-no! No-no. No-no.

Phoebe

What?! What else did you do?

Will

We started a rumor.

Rachel

What rumor?

Phoebe

Oh, come on Will! Just take off your shirt and tell us!

Rachel

Ross!

Ross

It was no big deal. We-we...said that the rumor was...that umm...you had both...male and female reproductive parts.

Rachel

What?!

Will

That's right! We said your parents flipped a coin, decided to raise you as a girl, but you still had a hint of a penis.

Rachel

(shocked) Oh my God!

Monica

You started that?!

Rachel

What?! You heard that?! (Goes and stands behind Joey.)

Monica

Everyone at our school heard it!

Chandler

Everybody at my school heard it! You were the hermaphrodite cheerleader from Long Island?!

Rachel

Oh no!!!! Oh my God!! This is all making so much sense to me now! This is why Adam Carter wouldn't go out with me! This is why Billy Tratt would just stay in this region! (Motions to her breasts.) (Joey has turned around.)

Ross

Actually, Billy Tratt is gay now. So-so that one's not really our fault.

Rachel

Monica, how come you never told me this?!

Monica

I thought it might be true. And I was afraid that you were gonna cry and then show it to me.

(Joey is now looking at Rachel, and since Rachel's standing and he's sitting down and he's not looking at her face... You get the picture.)

Rachel

Joey stop staring! There's nothing there! It's not true!

Joey

I'm afraid I'm gonna need proof.

Rachel

Oh! (Hits him and storms out.)

[Time Lapse, dinner has ended for everyone except Joey who looks like to have finished the turkey, until he turns the plate around and reveals he only ate one side.]

Joey

You are my Everest.

Monica

Joey, you don't have to finish that.

Joey

Oh yes I do. Otherwise what's next? Today I'm just a guy who can't finish a turkey, but tomorrow I'm the guy who eats half a Powerbar, wraps up the rest, and puts in the fridge? No! No, I just...I just-I gotta change my pants. (Gets up and heads for the door.) Jeans have no give. (Exits.)

Rachel

(entering carrying a book) Okay! Okay! Listen to what Sean McMahon wrote in my yearbook senior year, "Dear Rach, you're such a good person." Not girl! Person!

Ross

Rach, I think you're reading a little too much into it.

Rachel

(reading what he wrote again) "Dear Rach, you're a great person. Sorry about your tiney-wienie." (Will laughs.)

Ross

Look, what do you want me to do? Do you want me to call everyone in the entire school and tell them it wasn't true?!

Rachel

Yes!

Will

Could you also tell them I'm skinny now?

Monica

Oh! Me too!

Ross

Well look-look I'm not calling anybody! Okay? It was like a million years ago!

Rachel

I don't care how long ago it was! You told people that I was half and half! Y'know what? I just want to point out I never did anything to hurt you in high school.

Monica

That's not totally true.

Rachel

What?

Ross

What?

Monica

Well you-you did start that rumor about Ross making out with Mrs. Altman, our 50-year-old librarian.

Ross

(shocked) (To Rachel) How did you know that?!!!!

Monica

It's true?!!

Ross

No.

Rachel

Yes it is! I saw you guys going at it behind the card catalog!

(Ross is at a loss for words.)

Will

Mrs. Altman? She also made out with Takaka Ci-Kek the night before he went back to Thailand.

Chandler

I'm sorry. When you were in high school you made out with a 50-year-old woman?

Ross

Hey! She didn't look 50!

Chandler

Did she look 16?

Rachel

Ohh, there's a picture of her in the yearbook actually.

Phoebe

Oh! (They all look.) Wow!

Ross

She didn't photograph well!

Chandler

Well, she probably wasn't familiar with the process having spent most of her life sitting for oil paintings!

Phoebe

So how did this happen? Did she, did she lure you to an early bird dinner?

Ross

I was working late in the library one afternoon. It was just the two of us. She needed some help with her word jumble. And one thing led to another. If you must know, Anita was very gentle and tender. May she rest in peace...

Monica

Didn't she walk with a cane?

Ross

Only when it was damp!! (To Rachel) I can't believe you-you told people about this?! Everybody knew?! Y'know what? (To Will) I'm back in the club!

Will

Yeah! (They high-five.)

Phoebe

I wanna join!

Rachel

Wh-Phoebe!!

Phoebe

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I never got to be in a club. I-I didn't go to high school, but three of us would meet behind a dumpster to learn French. Bonjour.

Rachel

All right, y'know-Fine! You guys have your stupid little club, but I would just like to say is what you did to me is way worse than what I did to you! You gave me a tiney-wienie! (Will laughs.)

Monica

All right, listen you're just being silly. Rachel, even with that rumor you were one of the most popular girls in school and everyone wanted to be like you. One girl wanted to be like you so much she stuffed her pants with a Tootsie Roll!

Rachel

Wow...

Monica

And Ross, if it weren't for Rachel's rumor I mean no one in high school would even know who you were. She put you on the map!

Ross

As a romancer of the elderly.

Monica

Hey! Mrs. Altman was the kind of woman you could tell she used to be pretty.

Ross

The eyes...did still sparkle.

Monica

Hey guys this stuff is just so way in the past. You-you've been through so much since then. And right now you've got so much more important stuff going on in your life. Can't you just let this go?

Rachel

She's right.

Ross

Yeah. I mean we are having a baby together.

Will

Hold on! You got her pregnant?

Ross

Yeah.

Will

Are ya getting married?

Ross

Nope.

Will

So you knocked her up but you're not gonna marry her. Dude! (Wants another high-five and Ross ignores him.) Anybody?

Phoebe

Okay. (Goes over and hugs him.) It's exactly how I'd imagined it would be.

Joey

(entering, wearing the maternity pants from earlier) All right where's that turkey!

Phoebe

Joey! Those are my maternity pants!

Joey

Not now! These are my Thanksgiving pants!

CLOSING CREDITS

Scene 4

Monica and Chandler's, Will has left and the rest of the gang is watching Joey finish the turkey.

Joey

Well that's it. I'm done. Whew! (Wipes his forehead.) There come the meat sweats. (Chandler hands him a towel and he wipes his face.)

Monica

Well Joey, we're all...we're all very proud of you.

Chandler

Yes, I believe we can expect a call from the President any moment now.

Phoebe

Is there anything we can do for you?

Joey

No just, nobody press on my stomach.

Rachel

You can keep those pants by the way.

(Joey notices Monica has gotten a pie.)

Joey

Whoa-hey-wh-wh-what do you got there? What is that? Pie?

Monica

Yeah, you want some?

Joey

Ah, just cut me a little sliver. (Monica prepares to cut a little sliver.) A little bigger. (Monica prepares to cut a bigger piece.) Little bigger. (Monica moves the knife again.) What?! Are you afraid you're gonna run out?! Cut me a real piece!

END