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Scene 1
The Hotel Lobby, Rachel and Phoebe are at the front desk checking out.
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- RachelListen y'know what sir? For the last time, I don't care what the computer says, we did not take a bag of Mashuga nuts from the mini-bar and we did not watch Dr. Do-Me-A-Little!
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- Joey(entering) Hey!
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- PhoebeOh! Joey uh, were you in our room last night?
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- JoeyNo. (Phoebe grabs the receipt and shows it to Joey who gets mad.) I was told the name of the movie would not appear on the bill!
- (Chandler and Monica enter.)
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- Chandler(to the front desk clerk) Hi! We're checking out of the bridal suite.
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- Monica(depressed) That's right. I'm no longer a bride. I'll never be a bride again. Now, I'm just someone's wife!
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- ChandlerAnd I'm the happiest guy in the world! (Monica goes and sits down in a huff.) Oh honey, come on don't be upset. We still have so much to look forward to!
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- MonicaOh yeah, right. (Rolls her eyes.)
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- ChandlerWe got the honeymoon.
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- MonicaThat's not 'til Thursday.
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- ChandlerThe wedding pictures?
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- MonicaThey won't be ready for weeks.
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- ChandlerNot the disposable cameras from the tables.
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- MonicaThat's true! (Happily) I knew I married you for a reason!
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- ChandlerI'll tell you what, I will go get them developed and you can go home.
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- MonicaOkay.
- (Joey giggles.)
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- ChandlerWhat? What did you take a picture of?
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- JoeyNothing! It was something.
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- ChandlerOkay Ross has the cameras, has he checked out yet?
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- RachelAre you joking? Check out is not 'til noon and he has a good (checks her watch) eleven minutes left.
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- ChandlerOh.
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- MonicaRoss has never checked out of a room a minute before he had to.
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- RachelYeah, one time, when we were dating, uh we got a late checkout, he got so excited it was the best sex we ever had. Until y'know, he screamed out Radisson at the end.
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- ChandlerOkay, well I'm gonna get Ross, get the cameras, and get them developed. (Joey laughs again.) 32 Joe. You're 32! (Exits)
- Front Desk Clerk(To Monica) Here's a copy of your bill.
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- MonicaOh thanks. (Reading the bill) Champagne, strawberries...Oh my God! I can't believe Chandler ordered porn on our wedding night!
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- JoeyYeah, that's sad. Mashuga nut?
- OPENING CREDITS
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Scene 2
Ross's Hotel Room, he is letting Chandler in.
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- RossHi.
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- ChandlerHey. (He sees that Ross is packing all of the hotel toiletries) Soaps? Shampoos? Are you really taking all this stuff?
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- RossWhy not? It's built into the price of the room.
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- ChandlerYeah but you don't need-(Picks up something)-What is this?
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- RossThread!
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- ChandlerScore! Where are the disposable cameras?
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- RossWhat disposable cameras?
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- ChandlerThe cameras? Remember last night I told you to take them?
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- RossNo you didn't.
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- ChandlerYes! Remember? Right before we cut the cake, I went up to you and I said...
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- RossOh-oh yeah, you-you came up to me and asked if I could do you a favor, and my Uncle Murray came up to you and handed you a check. And then you said, "Why do they call it a check? Why not a Yugoslavian?" (Chandler laughs.) Yeah, then you did that.
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- ChandlerSo you don't have the cameras?!
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- RossNo. Sorry man.
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- ChandlerSo? What? What? They're gone! Monica's gonna freak!
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- RossWell, I'm sure they're still somewhere here in the hotel. I'll-I'll help you look for them.
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- ChandlerGreat.
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- RossIn-in three minutes.
- (Chandler goes into the bathroom, closes the door, and then opens it again right away. Ross looks up and hands him the toilet paper Ross already packed.)
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Scene 3
Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe is entering to see Monica sitting in front of a mound of wedding gifts.
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- PhoebeHey!
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- MonicaHey!
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- PhoebeAre you gonna open the presents without Chandler?
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- MonicaNo! (Pause) But, they're callin' out to me! I mean this little guy (Holds up a small one) even crawled up into my lap. Oh come on, Chandler wouldn't mind if I opened just one present! What do you think it is?
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- PhoebeA little mirror that when you look into it you see yourself as an old woman.
- (Monica opens it anyways.)
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- MonicaA tiny salt shaker!!!
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- PhoebeOhhh! My God! For tiny salt!
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- MonicaOh wow! Okay. Well that was fun.
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- PhoebeOh yeah.
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- MonicaGood. Okay, I'm just gonna wait for Chandler to open the rest of them.
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- PhoebeOkay.
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- MonicaWhew. Although y'know, this is part of a salt and pepper set. I mean... I guess y'know it may just count as a half a present. What do you think?
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- PhoebeWell I guess it's okay to open one more if it's part of a set. Y'know, it's probably this one. (Grabs another small one.)
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- MonicaOr this one! (She grabs and starts to open the biggest present.)
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- Rachel(entering) Hi.
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- MonicaHey, how are you feelin'? Any morning sickness?
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- RachelShh-shh-shh! The guys don't know yet do they?
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- MonicaNo! Joey and Ross don't know anything and Chandler still thinks that Phoebe's pregnant.
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- PhoebeYeah that's right Chandler does still think I'm pregnant. He hasn't asked me how I'm feeling or offered to carry my bags. Boy, I feel bad for the woman who ends up with him. (Monica looks at her.) After you of course.
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- RachelDon't worry I promise that you will only have to be pregnant for a few more hours, 'cause I'm going to tell the father today.
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- PhoebeOoh, is it someone in this building? Is it that tall guy from the first floor?
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- RachelEw! No!
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- PhoebeWhat?! I think he's cute.
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- RachelWell then you have his baby.
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- PhoebeBelieve me I'm trying.
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- MonicaWow. Y'know it is so weird. I mean, you're gonna tell this guy today and he has no idea what's gonna happen.
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- PhoebeYeah. You're just gonna knock on his door and change his life forever. You're like Ed McMahon except without the big check, or the raw sexual magnetism.
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- RachelYeah. Uh-huh, I guess it is pretty big news.
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- PhoebePretty big? It's huge! God, this guy doesn't have a clue! He's just walking down the street thinking, 'I had sex with Rachel Green. I rock!' then bam! He's a father and everything's different.
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- RachelWell it's only different if he wants it to be. I mean, I'm not gonna ask him for anything.
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- PhoebeOkay. Then he still has this huge decision to make. Now he's walking around thinking, 'Do I want to be a dad?' and then bam!
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- MonicaWhat was that bam?
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- PhoebeI don't. He got...he-he-he-he's hit by a bus.
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- Joey(entering) Hey!
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- RachelHey Joey, what would you do if someone that you slept with told you that she was pregnant?
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- Joey(warily) Who called here? Did she sound blond? Huh? Did-did-did she have an accent? I gotta make a call! (Starts to leave) I shoulda never walked into that Sunglass Hut!
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- RachelOh Joey! Joey! No, it's not you! You didn't get anybody pregnant!
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- JoeyOh. Why would you scare me like that? What the hell is going on? (Pause.) Is somebody pregnant?
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- PhoebeOh yeah. That's me.
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- JoeyOh my God Pheebs! You're gonna have a baby?
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- PhoebeYes. Yes I am. Oh my God, I'm gonna have a baby! (Joey and Phoebe hug.)
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- JoeyWhoa, wait a minute. Who's the father?
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- PhoebeYou don't know him. It's not important. He wants nothing to do with me or the baby. (She sits down like she's pregnant.)
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- JoeyWell who is this guy?! Huh? Who is he? 'Cause I will track him down and kick his ass!
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- PhoebeDavid Lynn.
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- JoeyDavid Lynn! David Lynn! David Lynn!! (Exits)
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- MonicaWho's David Lynn?
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- PhoebeOh some guy from my gym. A little annoying.
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Scene 4
The Banquet Room, Chandler is under one of the tables as Ross enters.
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- RossChandler?
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- ChandlerHey! Did you find the cameras?
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- RossNo. Did you?
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- ChandlerYes! And that's why I'm under the table. Celebrating.
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- RossWell I checked in the uh, lost and found, I talked to the manager, no-one's turned them.
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- ChandlerWell this is great. Y'know, those cameras were the only thing that was gonna cheer Monica up today, she's really depressed.
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- RossNow you guys just got married, why is she so depressed?
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- ChandlerAll my energy is going into not asking that question. I can't believe I screwed this up!
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- RossI'm sorry man. (Formally dressed people start to enter.) Here's a thought. This is the same ballroom. There's a band. There's gonna be plenty of dressed up people.
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- ChandlerAre you suggesting we dance our troubles away?
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- RossNo-no-no, I'm saying we-we buy more of this (disposable cameras) at the gift shop, throw our tuxes back on, and take a few pictures. All we have to do is make sure not to get anybody else's faces.
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- ChandlerAre you serious?
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- RossI'm just thinking about your new bride at home. Okay? Do-do you really want to start your life together by letting her down?
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- ChandlerMarriage advice? Really?!
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- RossI'm telling you, this looks exactly like your wedding! Aren't these the same flowers?
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- ChandlerI don't know, Monica picked out the flowers.
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- RossWhat about the chairs?
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- ChandlerShe picked those out too.
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- RossHow about the place settings?
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- ChandlerThat was her.
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- RossWhat did you do?
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- ChandlerI was in charge of the cameras! Gift shop?
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- RossHmm. (They head off to the gift shop.)
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Scene 5
Central Perk, Rachel is sitting on the couch as Phoebe enters.
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- PhoebeHey! Ooh, did you do it yet?
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- RachelNot yet.
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- PhoebeOh, well what are you doing here? Are you about to do it? (Gasps) Is it Gunther?
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- RachelNo! Phoebe, it's not Gunther.
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- PhoebeThank God, 'cause that hair on a baby...
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- RachelPhoebe the father is not here okay? I haven't told him yet and I don't think I can tell him at all now!
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- PhoebeWhy not?
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- RachelI don't know, let me think. I was walking down the street thinking, 'I'm gonna tell the father today' and then bam!
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- PhoebeBus?
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- RachelNo, you! Phoebe you freaked me out. You kept saying how huge this all is!
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- PhoebeWell-well but it is huge.
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- RachelI know, but I was just thinking about how huge this is for me. I didn't even go to how huge this was going to be for the father.
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- PhoebeYou're thinking about this way too much. Just tell him and get it over with. It's like, it's like ripping off this Band-Aid. (On her arm) Quick and painless, watch. (Rips it off.) Oh mother of...See?
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Scene 6
Monica and Chandler's, Obsessive Monica has now opened more of the wedding gifts.
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- Joey(entering) Ooh-ooh-ooh! Are we opening presents?
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- MonicaNo! No! I shouldn't have even opened these! I mean I-Joey I am out of control!! Joey, you have to do me a favor. No matter what I say, no matter what I do, please do not let me open another present! Okay?
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- JoeyOkay.
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- MonicaGive me one more.
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- JoeyOkay. (Hands her one.)
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- Phoebe(entering) Hey.
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- JoeyOh good, uh you're here. Uh Pheebs? Listen uh sit down. I-I got something I want to say.
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- PhoebeAll right. (She sits down like she's pregnant again.)
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- JoeyUmm, now uh... It's a scary world out there, especially for a single mom. Y'know, now I always thought you and I had a special bond so... (He goes to one knee and pulls out a ring.) Phoebe Buffay, will you marry me?
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- MonicaOh my God! Joey!
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- PhoebeHell yeah! I'll marry you! (She grabs the ring and puts it on.)
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- MonicaYou can't marry him!
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- PhoebeHey lady, your day's over! It's my turn!
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- MonicaPhoebe!
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- JoeyWhy?! Why can't she marry me?!
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- PhoebeI can and I will! (Kisses him.)
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- MonicaShe's not pregnant. It's Rachel. Rachel's the one who's pregnant.
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- JoeyOh my God.
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- PhoebeHey!
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- MonicaPhoebe I think he would notice if you didn't have a baby in nine months!
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- PhoebeIt's Joey! (Joey turns and looks at her and she mouths 'I love you' to him.)
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- Joey(smiles then stops) Now I can't believe it! What? Rachel's pregnant? (The girls nod yes.) Who's the father?
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- PhoebeWe don't know.
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- JoeyOhh... I wonder if that dude.
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- MonicaThere's a dude?
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- JoeyYeah.
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- PhoebeWho? Who is it?
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- JoeyAbout a month ago this guy spent the night with Rachel, I didn't see who it was but... (He walks out and closes the door.)
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- PhoebeWas that story over?
- (They follow him and meet him in the hall coming out of his apartment carrying a sweater.)
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- JoeyThe guy left this.
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- Phoebe(gasps) Oh my God! I know who the father is... (She walks into Monica and Chandler's.)
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- MonicaPeople have got to finish their stories!
- COMMERCIAL BREAK
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Scene 7
The Banquet Room, Ross and Chandler are in their tuxes and have started to fake the pictures.
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- Chandler(to another couple) Uh, excuse me? Could you take a picture of us?
- Woman At The WeddingOh! Of course. (Ross and Chandler pose and she takes the picture.)
- Man At The WeddingUh, would you take one of us?
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- ChandlerUhh... Yeah sure. (Holds the camera up to his face.) Click!
- Woman At The WeddingIt didn't click.
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- RossI heard it. I heard it.
- Man At The WeddingBut there was no flash.
- Woman At The WeddingWhy won't you take our picture?
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- ChandlerOh yeah. I'll take, I'll take your picture. (He takes the picture with his finger over the lens.)
- Man At The WeddingUh, your finger was covering the lens.
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- ChandlerWho are you? Ansel Adams?! Get outta here!
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Scene 8
Outside Central Perk, Rachel and Phoebe are about to go inside.
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- PhoebeLook, I feel really bad about how I freaked you out before, so I called the father and asked him to meet you here so you can tell him. Go!
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- RachelWhat? Hey wait a minute! Phoebe, how do you even know who the father is?
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- PhoebeI may play the fool at times, but I'm a little more than a pretty blond girl with an ass that won't quit. (She takes the sweater out of her purse.) I believe this belongs to the father of your baby.
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- RachelOh God... Oh, he's in there right now?
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- PhoebeUh-huh. Now you can turn around or you can go in there and rip the Band-Aid off. What to you want to do?
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- RachelUh, let's rip!
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- PhoebeReally? Are you sure?
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- RachelOh Phoebe!
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- PhoebeOkay, sorry. Yeah. (They go inside to confront the father.)
- TagHey Rach.
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Scene 9
The Banquet Room, Ross is taking a picture of a plant, Chandler a fork. The band stops.
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- ChandlerWhy don't you go up on stage. I'll get a picture of you doing the speech.
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- RossOkay. Okay!
- (He goes up on stage, mimes like he's giving the speech, and Chandler takes his picture. However, before he gets down everyone starts clinking their glasses for a real speech.)
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- RossWill the owner of a 1995 Buick LeSabre please see the front desk? Your car is about to be towed.
- Anxious Wedding Guest(rushing up) That's my car!
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- RossA '95 LeSabre?!
- Anxious Wedding GuestYes!
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- RossA green LeSabre?
- Anxious Wedding GuestYes!
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- RossI'm sorry, I meant a blue LeSabre.
- Anxious Wedding GuestYes! Green-blue!
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- RossWell go! Go move it! (He runs off.)
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- ChandlerOkay, you ready for the last picture?
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- RossYeah.
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- ChandlerGet ready to run. (Chandler walks over to the new bride.) Congratulations on your wedding. (He grabs her, kisses her, Ross takes the picture, and they both run out.)
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Scene 10
Central Perk, continued from earlier.
- TagSo, what's this about?
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- PhoebeRachel has something that she wants to tell you and umm, I believe that this is your red sweater.
- TagNo. (Unzips his coat.) This is my red sweater.
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- PhoebeOh no. Could I get anyone a coffee or...poison? No? Just for me? Okay. (Walks away.)
- TagWhat's going on Rach?
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- RachelNothing! Phoebe kinda made a mistake. But y'know you do wear that sweater a lot, are you involved in some kind of dare?
- TagY'know, I'm actually glad Phoebe called. (He pulls out a stool and Rachel sits down.) I know we broke up because you thought I wasn't mature enough, but I've really grown up and think we should get back together.
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- RachelOh, it's just not the right time.
- TagIt is the right time. (Takes her hand.)
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- RachelOkay.
- TagI'm ready for more.
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- RachelTag...
- TagCome on Rach, let's give it another try.
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- RachelI'm having a baby.
- TagOh. (He drops her hand.)
- (Pause)
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- RachelYou can go.
- TagThank you. (Gets up and hurries out.)
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Scene 11
Monica and Chandler's, Obsessive Monica has finished opening all the presents. She's ashamed of this, at least, because as someone enters...
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- Monica(throwing up the last present) I don't know how any of these got opened?!
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- Joey(entering) You opened them all?
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- MonicaI know! I know! I am a terrible person! I mean, Chandler is never going to trust me with anything ever again!
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- JoeyOh hey! You got my parent's gift! (Holds it up.)
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- MonicaYeah. What is that?
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- JoeyWell, I don't know. I think it does something to salami.
- (Phoebe and Rachel enter.)
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- MonicaHey! How'd it go?
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- JoeyYeah. What-what did Tag say?
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- RachelTag is not the father! And Joey knows now?
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- JoeyI do Rach. I do, and I so happy for you. (They hug.)
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- RachelOh wow, you didn't even try to unhook my bra!
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- MonicaSo are you ever gonna tell whoever it is?
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- RachelNo, I will. I'm just not up for it tonight.
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- JoeyHey Rach listen, no matter what this guy says I want you to know you're not gonna be alone in this.
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- RachelI'm not?
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- JoeyListen I uh... (He takes her hand.) It's a scary world out there especially if you're a single mom. Y'know, I always felt like you and I have this-this special bond. Y'know? So, (gets down on one knee again) Rachel Green will you marry me?
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- RachelWhat?
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- MonicaWhat?!
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- PhoebeWhat?!!
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- JoeyPheebs, give me the ring back!
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- PhoebeNo!!
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- RachelNo! Joey, oh you're so sweet. You're so-so sweet, honey. But I'm not, I'm not looking for a husband.
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- Joey(heartbroken) I understand.
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- RachelNow, if you will excuse me I am going to go and lie down. (Exits.)
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- PhoebeI can't say that didn't hurt. But I'll take you back Joey Tribbiani.
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- JoeyUh yeah. Pheebs, listen about that. I only offered...
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- PhoebeOoh! A Salami Buddy!
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- JoeyThere you go!
- (Chandler and Ross enter with the new pictures.)
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- ChandlerWe're back!
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- MonicaGreat! We're hangin' in the kitchen! (She drags him into the kitchen and turns his back to the living room) Let's stay in the kitchen!
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- ChandlerIt's picture time.
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- RossNow you are going to love these.
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- Chandler(showing her the pictures) Here's a picture of Ross. (Shows another one.) And that's me. (Another one.) And that's me and Ross. (Another one.) Oh-ho, that is a picture of our first kiss as a married couple.
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- MonicaWow! That is a great picture!
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- ChandlerEh?
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- MonicaYeah! Oh and interesting because I found the cameras in one of our bags! (Throws them into his chest.)
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- RossHuh, didn't see that coming.
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- ChandlerOkay, so this isn't a picture of our first, but it is a picture of my first kiss with...with this lady. Which by the look on your face I'm sure you'll remember. So we don't need-(Rips the picture)-There's no need to have this picture. How about I take the real pictures and get them developed right now.
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- MonicaThat would be a good idea.
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- ChandlerOkay. (Sees the living room.) You opened all the presents without me?! I thought we were supposed to do that together!
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- MonicaYou kissed another woman!
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- ChandlerCall it even?!
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- MonicaOkay! (They high-five and he walks out.)
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- RossWell, I'm gonna go get these (the floral bouquet he walked in with) in some water.
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- PhoebeWait you stole those from these people's wedding?
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- RossNo-no, I took them from the hotel lobby. Yeah, they think they can charge me for some dirty movie and a bag of Mashuga nuts, they got another think coming. (Starts to leave.) Hey! My sweater! I've been looking for this for like a month!
- (He exits leaving a stunned Phoebe and Monica.)
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- PhoebeOh my God!!
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- Joey(slow on the uptake) Oh my God!
- CLOSING CREDITS
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Scene 12
A Street, Ross walks past Tag wearing the same red sweater.
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- RossHey! How you doing?
- TagGood! Good, long time no see.
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- RossYeah.
- TagLike your sweater.
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- RossOh hey, right back at ya.
- TagOh, it's crazy about Rachel huh?
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- RossYeah. She-Well, she's one crazy lady?
- TagSo whose is it?
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- Ross(shows Tag his sweater tag) Umm, I don't some Italian guy. Come on, read your own label. See you later.
- TagOkay.
- (They separate.)
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- RossHe is so weird.
- END