• logo Screen Scripts
  •  /  Friends  /  S08E18 The One In Massapequa


    • new scene
    • Scene 1

      Central Perk, everyone is there.

    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh, Ross, Mon, is it okay if I bring someone to your parent's anniversary party?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Yeah.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Sure. Yeah.
    • joey
    • Joey
      So, who's the guy?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Well, his name is Parker and I met him at the drycleaners.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oooh, did he put a little starch in your bloomers? (Sits up) Who said that?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Yeah, he's really great though. He has this incredible zest for life, and he treats me like a queen, except at night when he treats me like the naughty girl I am.
    • monica
    • Monica
      (To Ross) Oh, by the way. Would it be okay if I gave the toast to mom and dad this year?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Uh, yeah, you sure you want to after what happened at their 20th?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Yeah, I'd really like to.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Okay, hopefully this time mom won't boo you.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Yes! Every year Ross makes the toast, and it's always really moving, and always makes them cry. Well this year I'm going to make them cry.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      And you wonder why Ross is their favorite?
    • monica
    • Monica
      No! Really! Any time Ross makes a toast everyone cries, and hugs him, and pats him on the back and they all come up to me and say, "God, your brother." Know what they'll say this year? "God, you"
    • joey
    • Joey
      Well I can promise you, at least one person will be crying. (Points to himself) I'm an actor, and any actor worth himself can cry on cue. (snaps fingers)
    • monica
    • Monica
      Really you can do that?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Are you kidding me? Watch! (Makes funny faces trying to cry) Well I can't do it with you guys watching me!
    • OPENING CREDITS
    • new scene
    • Scene 2

      Chandler and Monica's, they're getting ready to leave for the party.

    • chandler
    • Chandler
      What are you doing?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Oh I'm working on my toast for the party, or as I like to call it. Sob fest 2002. Hey check this out. (Hands him a picture.)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      It's a dog.
    • monica
    • Monica
      It's a dead dog. That's Chi-Chi; she died when I was in high school.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      It's your parents' anniversary and you're going to talk about their dead pet?
    • monica
    • Monica
      The good stuff, huh?
    • (Ross, Joey, and Rachel enter)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Hi!
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hey!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey!
    • monica
    • Monica
      You got a present for my parents. That's so sweet.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah, yeah, in honor of their 35th wedding anniversary, I had a star named after them.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Aww that is so cool.
    • joey
    • Joey
      And I got them a book on Karma Sutra for the elderly.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Hey, do you guys have any extra ribbon?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yeah, sure. What do you need? We got lace, satin, sateen, raffia, gingham, felt, (Pause) and I think my testacles may be in here too.
    • ross
    • Ross
      (picking up Chi-Chi's picture) Aww! Chi-Chi! Oh, I loved this dog! Y'know Monica couldn't get braces because Chi-Chi needed knee surgery.
    • monica
    • Monica
      What?!
    • ross
    • Ross
      You were the 200-pound 11-year-old who rode her!
    • (Phoebe and Parker enter)
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Hey!
    • Everyone
      Hi!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Everybody, this is Parker, Parker this is...
    • Parker
      No, no, no wait! Don't tell me. Let me guess. (Points as he says their names) Joey, Monica, Ross, Rachel and, I'm sorry Phoebe didn't mention you. (Chandler makes a face) Chandler, I'm kidding all ready you're my favorite!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Ha!
    • Parker
      Why don't all of you tell me a little about your self?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Ah, actually, I'm sorry we-we probably should get going.
    • Parker
      (laughs) Classic Ross. Rachel, Rachel, oh how you glow. May I? (Puts hand on her stomach)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      I, uh, think you already are.
    • Parker
      Rachel, you have life growing inside you. Is there anything in this world more miraculous than-Oh a picture of a dog! Whose is this?
    • monica
    • Monica
      That's my old dog. He passed away years ago.
    • Parker
      Oh well, at least you were lucky to have him. Bow-wow old friend, bow-wow. So where's the party?
    • monica
    • Monica
      It's out on the island. It's in Massapequa.
    • Parker
      Maaaassapequa, sounds like a magical place. Tell me about Massapequa, is it steep in Native American history? {Transcriber's Note
    • ross
    • Ross
      Well, there is an Arby's in the shape of a tee-pee.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Okay, I got my note cards. (To Chandler) Do you got the presents?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yeah.
    • monica
    • Monica
      And I've got the car keys.
    • Parker
      We're driving!?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Yeah.
    • Parker
      Aces!
    • (Everyone except Ross and Rachel leave.)
    • ross
    • Ross
      So uh, he seems like a nice guy.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah, yeah I like him a lot.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Ya wanna hang back and take our own cab?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah, otherwise I'm not going.
    • new scene
    • Scene 3

      The Anniversary Party, Ross and Rachel are arriving and see his parents.

    • Mr. Geller
    • Mrs. Geller
      Hi
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hi! (Kisses his mom.) Hey mom.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      This is such a great party! 35 years. Very impressive, do you guys have any pearls of wisdom?
    • Mr. Geller
    • Mrs. Geller
      Jack?
    • Mr. Geller
    • Mr. Geller
      Why would you serve food on such a sharp stick? (Looking a toothpick)
    • ross
    • Ross
      That's a good question, dad. That's a good question...
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Hmmm....
    • Woman
      (To Ross and Rachel) Congratulations you two!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Thank you...we're so excited
    • Woman
      And also, congratulations on your wedding.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Wha-What?
    • Mr. Geller
    • Mrs. Geller
      Can we talk to you for just a y'know... It's just a little thing. Well we think it's absolutely marvelous that you're having this baby out of wedlock, some of our friends are less open-minded. Which is why we've told them all that you're married.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      What?!
    • Mr. Geller
    • Mrs. Geller
      Thanks for going along with this.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Dad so what we have to pretend that we're married?
    • Mr. Geller
    • Mr. Geller
      Son, I had to shave my ears for tonight. You can do this.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Can you believe that?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah, if you're going to do the ears, you might as well take a pass at the nosal area.
    • ross
    • Ross
      No, us having to lie about being married.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      No, I know I don't either, but ya know what, it's their party, and it's just one night. And we don't even have to lie; we just won't say anything. If it comes up again, we'll just...smile. We'll nod along.
    • Woman
      Ross!
    • Man
      Rachel!
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hi Aunt Lisa, Uncle Dan
    • Aunt Lisa
      Congratulations on the baby, and on the wedding
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Hmmmm....
    • Uncle Dan
      Here's a little something to get you started. (Hands them a check)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh...
    • Aunt Lisa
      So, how's married life treating you?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      (looking at the check) Unbelievable!
    • ross
    • Ross
      We love marriage!
    • Aunt Lisa
      Great!
    • (The rest of the gang arrives including Parker.)
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hey
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Hey!
    • Parker
      What a beautiful place. What a great night! I have to tell you, being here with all of you in Event Room C...I feel so lucky. I think of all the good times that have happened here. The birthdays, the proms, the mitzvahs both bar and bat, but none of them will compare with tonight! My God, I don't want to forget this moment! It's like I want to take a mental picture of you all! Click! (He takes a mental picture of them all.)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      I don't think the flash went off.
    • Parker
      Dahaaa! (Punches Chandler in the arm and he makes a face of pain.) I'm going to find the men's room, be right back.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      I'll go with you
    • Parker
      Come on!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Somewhere there is someone with a tranquilizer gun and a huge butterfly net looking for that man.
    • joey
    • Joey
      I have to go to the bathroom too, but I don't want him complimenting my thing.
    • ross
    • Ross
      I'm so we weren't in the car! Did he ever let up?
    • monica
    • Monica
      He called the Long Island Expressway a concrete miracle.
    • ross
    • Ross
      (imitating Parker) This room! This night! That waiter! His shoes! I must take a mental picture! (He backs into someone.) Ooh sorry...(He looks behind him then notices its Phoebe then stops his impression.)
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Were you guys making fun of Parker?
    • ross
    • Ross
      That depends, how much did you hear?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      So, he a little enthusiastic, what's wrong with that?
    • monica
    • Monica
      It's just that, it's so much.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Well, so what I like him! Do I make fun of the people you've dated? Tag, Janice, Mona? No, because friends don't do that. But, do you want my opinion? Do you want it? 'Cause in my opinion, your collective dating record reads like the who's who of human crap. (Walks off)
    • monica
    • Monica
      I feel terrible.
    • joey
    • Joey
      I know
    • ross
    • Ross
      What was wrong with Mona?
    • COMMERCIAL BREAK
    • new scene
    • Scene 4

      The Anniversary Party, Ross and Rachel have just gotten another wedding present.

    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Open it! Open it! Open it!
    • ross
    • Ross
      Yeah baby!
    • Man
      So we never got to hear about your wedding!
    • Woman
      We were surprise that we weren't invited.
    • ross
    • Ross
      No, no, it was just our parents and 1 or 2 friends. It was a small wedding.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      But it was beautiful. I mean it was small, but kind of spectacular.
    • Man
      Where did you have it?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      On a cliff, in Barbados, at sunset, and Stevie Wonder sang Isn't She Lovely as I walked down the aisle.
    • Woman
      Really?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah, Stevie's an old family friend. (Hits Ross's chest)
    • Woman
      Oh my God. That sounds amazing. I would love to see pictures.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      So would I. You wouldn't think that Annie Liebawitz would forget to put film in the camera.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Would you excuse us for a second? (Pulls Rachel off to the side) Umm.... what are you doing?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      What? I'm not you. This may be the only wedding I ever have. I want it to be amazing.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Okay, okay. Ooooh, ooh maybe I rode in on a Harley.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Okay, Ross, it has to be realistic.
    • (Cut to Phoebe and Parker)
    • Parker
      Are you okay? You seem kind of quiet.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      No, I'm fine. I'm great. I'm with you.
    • Parker
      And I'm with you! What a great time to be alive! Look at this plate-bouncy thing. (Bounces the plates) What an inspired solution to man's plate dispensing problems.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Hm huh, yeah.
    • Parker
      Ah! Oysters! Let me feed you one.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      No, that's not necessary.
    • Parker
      Please.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      No, actually I don't eat...
    • Parker
      I won't quit until you try.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Okay, fine! Fine! (Takes the oyster and pretends to eat it while dropping it on the floor) Mmm...hmmmmm....
    • Parker
      What are they like? I've never had one.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Why don't you just try one?
    • Parker
      No, they look too weird.
    • (Cut to Monica and Chandler)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      What are you doin'?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Just going over my toast. Those two will never know what hit 'em. I can't wait. They're going to be crying so hard. They're going to be fighting for breath.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Ya know if you want to, I can just hold them down and you could (Punches the air).
    • (Cut to Rachel and Ross)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      And my veil was lace, made by blind, Belgium nuns.
    • Woman
      Blind?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Well, not at first, but it was very intricate work and they said even though they lost their sight, it was all worth it.
    • Aunt Lisa
      I'll bet you looked beautiful...
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Well, I don't know about that, but some said that I looked like a floating angel.
    • Woman
      (To Ross) So, how did you propose?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh yeah. That's a great story.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Well, um, actually, I-I took her to the planetarium. That's-that's where we had our first date. Um, she walked in and I had the room filled with lilies, her favorite flower...
    • Aunt Lisa
      Oh that is so sweet!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Shhh! I want to hear the rest!
    • ross
    • Ross
      Then, Fred Astaire singing The Way You Look Tonight came on the sound system, and the lights came down. And I got down on one knee and written across the dome in the stars were the words "Will you marry me?"
    • (Various oohs and ahhs)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      And the ring, was the size of my fist (makes a fist)!
    • (Cut to Phoebe and Joey)
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah uh, Phoebe! Look umm, I want to apologize about before, okay? We were being jerks. Parker's a nice guy and I'd like to get to know him.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Then you better do it now.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Why?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Because I'm going to kill him
    • joey
    • Joey
      What-what?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      You guys were right. He's just too excited about...everything. I mean I'm all for living life, but this is the Geller's 35th anniversary. Okay? Let's call a spade a spade this party stinks.
    • joey
    • Joey
      I know I'm having the worst time. There was a 15-minute line for the buffet, and when I finally got up to the plates, I slipped on a giant booger!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Are you sure it wasn't an oyster?
    • joey
    • Joey
      I guess it could've been, I didn't really look at it. Y'know, I just wiped it on Chandler's coat and got the hell out of there.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      He's just such a great guy I'm so excited about him.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Oh hey, you should be excited about him. There's nothing wrong with him he's a good guy.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      You think?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah. Ya know what I think; I think we were all just being too negative.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      You're right. You're right, he's just embracing life. We could all stand to be a little more like Parker. You know what? I am like him! I'm a sunny, positive person.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Actually, you have a little bit of an edge.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      What's that now?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Nothing...
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh look it's Parker!
    • Parker
      Look! It's the bunny hop!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oooh I love it!
    • Parker
      You do?!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Are you kidding? People acting like animals to music. Come on!
    • (Cut to Monica, at the microphone)
    • monica
    • Monica
      Okay it's time for the toast! Umm now-now, I know that Ross usually gives the toast, but this year I'm going to do it.
    • (Everyone sighs)
    • monica
    • Monica
      No, no it's going to be great. Really! Mom, Dad, when I got married, one of the things that made me sure I could do it was the amazing example the two of you set for me. For that and so many other things I want to say thank you. I know I probably don't say it enough, but I love you. (Pretends to cry hoping her parents will join her.) When I look around this room, I'm-I'm saddened by the thought of those who could not be here with us. Nana, my beloved grandmother who would so want to be here, but she can't because she's dead. As is our dog Chi-Chi. I mean look how cute she is. (Holds up the picture and pretends to cry again). Was. (To an old man by the stage.) Do me a favor and pass this to my parents. Remember she's dead. Okay, her and Nana, gone. Wow! Hey does anybody remember when Debra Winger had to say goodbye to her children in Terms of Endearment? (Chandler covers his ears) Didn't see that? No movie fans?! You want to hear something sad? The other day I was watching 60 Minutes these orphans in Romania, who have been so neglected, they were incapable of love. (Waits for people to cry, but doesn't get any tears.) You people are made of stone! Here's to mom and dad! Whatever!
    • Mr. Geller
    • Mrs. Geller
      Thank you Monica that was uh, interesting. Wasn't it interesting, Jack?
    • Mr. Geller
    • Mr. Geller
      (looking at the picture) Why don't I remember this dog?
    • Mr. Geller
    • Mrs. Geller
      Ross, why don't you give us your toast now?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Oh, no, Mom, it's just Monica this year.
    • Mr. Geller
    • Mrs. Geller
      You're not going to say anything? On our 35th wedding anniversary
    • ross
    • Ross
      No, of course, Um... Um, everybody? Um, I-I just wanted to say...on behalf of my new bride, Rachel (She turns around and smiles), and myself. Umm, that if...if in 35 years, we're half as happy as you guys are, we'll count ourselves the luckiest people in the world.
    • Mr. Geller
    • Mrs. Geller
      (crying) Oh Ross...
    • Mr. Geller
    • Mr. Geller
      I just wish Nana were alive to hear Ross's toast.
    • new scene
    • Scene 5

      Phoebe's apartment, Parker and her are entering.

    • Parker
      My God what a fantastically well lit hallway!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Can I get you something to drink? Like a water and Valium?
    • Parker
      I must say this apartment, its, its, There are no words...
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh thank God.
    • Parker
      It's a haven. A third-floor paradise. A modern-day Eden in the midst...
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Yeah? I know! I know! Uh huh? Listen why don't we just um, sit and relax? You know just be with each other. Quietly!
    • Parker
      That sounds great. (Sits down) My God this is the most comfortable couch I've ever sat on in my entire life. (Bounces on couch)
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Let's try something else, let's play a game.
    • Parker
      I love games!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Shocking! Let's play the game of who can stay quiet the longest. (Giggles)
    • Parker
      Or...Jenga.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      But, let's play this one first. And remember whoever talks first loses!
    • (They sit back)
    • Parker
      I lose, now Jenga.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh my God! Oh my God!
    • Parker
      Is something wrong?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Wrong? Really? You know the word wrong. Everything isn't perfect? Everything isn't magical? Everything isn't a glow with the light of a million fairies? They were just brake lights, Parker!
    • Parker
      Well, excuse me for putting a good spin on a traffic jam!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      You don't have to put a good spin on everything.
    • Parker
      I'm sorry that's who I am. I'm a positive person.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      No! I am a positive person. You are like Santa Clause on Prozac, at Disneyland, getting laid!
    • Parker
      So what do you want me to do, you want me to be more negative, less happy?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Much less happy!
    • Parker
      Fine! Well then to quote Ross, "I'd better be going."
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      So long! Don't let the best door in the world hit you in the ass on your way out! (He exits and she slams the door behind him.)
    • (There's a knock on door, and Phoebe opens it.)
    • Parker
      Isn't this the most incredible fight you've ever had in your entire life?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Uh huh. (Closes door)
    • new scene
    • Scene 6

      Ross and Rachel's, they're returning from the party.

    • ross
    • Ross
      ...and then, we could've gone from the ceremony to the reception with you in the sidecar!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ross, it just wouldn't have been feasible.
    • ross
    • Ross
      But having a dove place the ring on your finger would've been no problem?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      It was really fun being married to you tonight.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Yeah! And! And, it was the easiest 400 bucks I've ever made.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Okay Ross, can I uh, can I ask you something?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Yeah.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      That proposal, at the planetarium...
    • ross
    • Ross
      I know, I know it was stupid.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Are you kidding?! With the, with the lilies, and-and the song, and the stars! It was...really wonderful! Did you just make that up?
    • ross
    • Ross
      No, actually I thought about it when, when we were going out. It's how I imagined I uh, I would ask you to marry me.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Well, that would've been very hard to say no too.
    • ross
    • Ross
      It's a good thing I didn't do it, because it sounds like it would've been a very expensive wedding. (Rachel laughs) Okay, good night
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Goodnight
    • (They go off to their bedrooms)
    • ross
    • Ross
      Even if the sidecar had a windscreen so your hair wouldn't get messed up?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      I will think about it.
    • ross
    • Ross
      That's all I'm askin'
    • CLOSING CREDITS
    • new scene
    • Scene 7

      Central Perk, Ross and Monica are there.

    • monica
    • Monica
      Okay that's it. I give up. At mom and dad's 40th anniversary, you're the one giving the speech.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Y'know I don't understand why they didn't cry. It was a beautiful speech.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Oh, come on.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hey! All that stuff you said about true love, you were right, I mean, we did learn a lot from Mom and Dad! And that picture of Chi-Chi with her mischievous grin. And what you said about Nana. Ohh, yeah she really would've wanted to be there. And you know what? I think she was.
    • monica
    • Monica
      (starts to cry) Oh good God, Ross! How the hell do you do it?
    • END