The One With the Ick Factor

Tell him.

No.

Tell him, tell him.

Just...please tell him.

Shut up!

Tell me what?

Look at you, you won't even look at him.

(sarcastically) Oh, come on tell me. I could use another reason why women won't look at me.

All right, all right, all right. Last night, I had a dream that, uh, you and I, were...

Doing it on this table. (points at the table)

Wow!

Exellent dream score.

Why, why, why would you dream that?

More importantly, was I any good?

Well, you were pretty damn good.

Interesting, cause in my dreams, I'm allways surprisingly inadequate. (Monica pats him on his lap)

Well, last night you seemed to know your way around the table.

I love it, when we share.

You're okay there?

I can't belive you two had sex in her dream.

I'm sorry, it was a one-time-thing. I was very drunk and I was somebody else's subconscious.

Hello Rachel.

Get off.

(points at Joey's pen) Uh, uh, gimme. Can you see me operating a drill press?

I don't know. What are you wearing?

Pheebs, why would you want to operate a drill press?

Just for some short-term-work. You know, until I get back some of my massage clients.

Pirates again?

No, nothing like that. I was just...such a dummie. I taught this "massage-yourself-at-home-workshop." And they are.

Hey, hey, Chan. She could work for you.

(sarcasticly) Thanks Joey, that's a good idea.

What... I could, I could do it. What is it?

Well, my secretary is gonna be out for a couple of weeks. She is having one of her boobs redused. (Ross looks at her.) It's a whole big boob story.

I could be a secretary.

Well, you know Phoebs. I don't know if it's your kinda thing, because it involves a lot of being normal. For a large portion of the day.

I could do that.

What are you playing with?

Oh, it's my new beeper.

What the hell does a paleontologist need a beeper for?

Is it like for dinosaur emergencies. 'Help, come quick, they're still extinct.'

No, it's for when Carol goes into labor. She can get me wherever I am. I mean, all she has to do is to dial 55-JIMBO.

A cool phone number, and a possible name for the kid.

All right, I'll see you guys later. (raises)

Off to see young Ethan?

Thank you.

How young is young Ethan? Young?

He's... our age.

When we were?

Okay, he's a senior in college.

College?

Whoa! And this manchild has no problem with how old you are?

No, of course not. It's not even an issue. Cause I told him I was 22.

What?

Oh, I can't pass for 22?

Well, maybe 25-26.

I am 26.

There you go.

Can you hear that?

(plays with a thumbtack remover) Yeah?

See that'll stop when you pick up the phone.

Oh. Uh, I'm on. (picks up the phone)

(with a deep voice) Mr. Bing's office. (Listens) No I'm sorry, he's in a meeting right now.

I'm not in a meeting. I'm right... Whoops.

Will he know what this is in reference to? (Listens) And he has your number? (Listens) All right, I'll see that he gets the message. Bye bye.

What?

Ross says hi.

Ah!

This is so fun. All right, what do we do now?

Well, now, I actually have to get to work.

Most likely. (raises and goes toward the door) Okay, I'm gonna be out there.

Okay.

All right. Bye bye.

Bye bye.

(answering it) Yes?

Whatcha doin'?

Ooh. (leans against the desk)

Windows are clean, candels are lit. Uh, belt's to tight, gotta change the belt. Did I turn the fish? (goes over to the kitchen to check on the dinner) No, cause I made lasagne. (to Rachel) Am I out of control?

Just a touch. Mon, I don't understand. I mean, you've been dating this guy since like, what... his midterms? I mean, why all the sudden are you so... Oh.

What?

Could tonight be the Night?

I don't know. Look he's a great guy and I love being with him but... you know. Things happen, and they happen. You don't plan these things.

So, did you shave your legs?

Yeah.

A-ha!

Would you let it go Ross. It was just a dream. It doesn't mean...

Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh this is it. Oh my god it's baby time. Baby time.

All right, relax, relax. Just relax, just relax. Be cool, be cool.

(on phone) Yeah, hi, I was just beeped. (pause) No, Andr' is not here. (to Joey) Third time today. (on phone) Yes, I'm sure... No, sir. I don't perform those kind of services.

Services? (Ross looks at him) Oh, services.

(on phone) Yeah, you want 55-JUMBO. Yeah, that's right. That's right, JUMBO with a U, sir. (pause) No, belive me, you don't want me. Judging by his number, I'd be a huge disappointment. (pause) All rightie, bye bye.

Hey, hey. How was the first day?

Oh, exellent. Everyone was so, so nice.

See, it pays to know the man who wears my shoes. (Joey and Ross wonder what he means) Me.

No, I didn't tell anybody that I knew you.

Why not?

Oh, because, you know... they don't like you.

What?!

I thought you knew that.

Noho. Who doesn't they like me?

Everyone. Except for uh... no everyone.

What are you talking about?

Don't feel bad. You know they used to like you a lot. But then you got promoted, and, you know, now you're like "Mr. Boss Man". You know, Mr. Bing. Mr. Bing, "Boss Man Bing".

I can't belive it.

Yeah, yeah. They even do you.

They do me?

You know like... uh okay... uh... 'Could that report be any later?'

I don't sound like that.

Oh, oh Chandler...

Oh... Yeah, you do.

'The hills were alive with the sound of music.'

(reaches for hi scones) My scones.

'My scones.'

Okay, I don't sound like that. That is so not true.

That is so not... That is so not... That... Oh, shut up!

Did not.

I am telling you, up until I was, like nine, I thought that gunpoint was an actual place where crimes happen.

How was that possible?

Well, think about it. It's always on the news. 'A man is being held up, at gunpoint.' 'Tourists are being terrorised, at gunpoint.' And I just kept thinking: why does people continue to go there? (He checks his watch.) Oh, ah. I should go.

Okay.

Okay.

Unless...

What?

Uh, ah. Unless you wanna stay over? I mean, I'm going to, so...

Yeah, I'd really like that.

Uuh, before we get into any staying-over-stuff, there is something you should know.

Okay, is this like 'I have an early class tomorrow' or 'I'm secretly married to a goat?'

Well it's somewhere in between. You see, in a strictly technical sense, of course, I'm not uh..., well I, I mean I haven't ever uh...

Ethan?

Yeah?

Are you a virgin?

Well, if that's what you kids are calling it these days then, yes I am. I uh, I've kinda been waiting for the right person.

Really?

Yeah. You do know I was talking about you, right?

Wow!

You keep saying that.

You know, you read about it, you see it in the movies. Even when you practice it at home, man oh man, it is nothing like that.

Listen, uh, you told me something that was really difficult for you. And I, I-I figured if you could be honest, then I can to.

Oh god, don't tell me, I did it wrong.

No-no. Nothing wrong about that.

Oh.

Um, okay, here it goes. I'm not 22. I'm, I'm 25... and thirteen months.

Huh!

But I figured, you know, that shouldn't change anything. I mean, what the hell does it matter how old we are.

Uh, listen um, as long as we're telling stuff, uh, I have another one for you. I'm a little younger than I said.

You're not a senior?

Oh, I'm a senior... in High School.

Ok...ay.

What we did was wrong. Oh god, I just had sex with somebody that wasn't alive during the Bicentennial.

I just had sex.

Ethan, focus. How could you not tell me?

Well, you never told me how old you were.

Well, that's different. My lie didn't make one of us a felon in 48 states. What were you thinking?

I wasn't thinking. I was too busy fallin'...

Don't say it. (closes Ethan's mouth with her hand)

...in love with you.

Really?

(nods) Sorry.

Well,fall out of it. You know, you shouldn't even be here, it's a school night. Oh god, oh god. I'm like those women that you see with shiny guys named Chad. I'm Joan Collins.

Who?

(on phone) Okay, Andr' should be there in like 45 minutes. All rightie, bye bye. (to Phoebe) Just easier that way.

Oh, come on. You told me about the last dream.

No, forget it.

Oh, why not. Was I doing anything particularly... saucy?

All right, fine. Um, you were not the only one there. (Camera fades to Ross, who's listening very carefully) Joey was there too.

All right. (Moves closer.)

Was there...uh, huh, huh, huh... andybody, anybody else there.

No.

You're sure? Nobody uh, handed out uh, mints or anything?

No, it was just the three of us.

Huh!

So, tell me. Was it like you and Chandler, and then you and me, or you and me and Chandler?

(laughs) You know what?

What?

There were times when it wasn't even me.

That is so sweet, you guys. (hugs them)

Hey, Mon.

Mon, Ethan called again. Mon?

(shouting) Mon!

What?

Ethan called again.

Oh.

Are you not seeing him anymore?

No. You know, sometimes just things doesn't work out.

And this has nothing to do with the fact that he needs a note to get out of gym.

I, I didn't say any... I sw... I did not say anything, I swear. He stopped by.

Listen, the next time you talk to him, can you ask him which one the strongest Power Ranger is?

Oh, yeah.

Ha,ha, ha, oh my life is just so amusing. Could we drop it now?

Sorry.

It's morphin time!

Stegosaurus!

Tyrannosaurus!

Ooh, oh, I've gotta go. (raises) Whoa, oh, head rush. One more, and then I have to go. (sits down, and then raises again) Cool!

Where are you going?

Um, oh, I've got a birthday party, with some work people.

Work people? Nobody told me.

No, I know. That's a part of the whole, you know, them-not-liking-you-extravaganza.

You know, I don't get this. A month ago, these people were my friends. You know, just because I'm in charge doesn't mean I'm a different person.

Well, then you should come tonight. You know, just hang out with them. Let them see what a great guy you still are.

You think I should?

I really do, yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Oh, but, could we not go together? I,I don't wanna be the geek that invited the boss.

I Think last night was great. You know, the Karaoke thing. Tracy and I doing Ebony and Ivory.

You were great. But they still made fun of you.

What?

You know, now you're more like, you know like, "Mr. Caring Boss," "Mr.", you know, "I'm one of you, Boss," "Mr., I wanna be your buddy, Boss Man Bing!"

Then, I don't get it.

Well, you know what Chandler? I think you've gotta face it. You're like, the guy in the big office, you know. You're the one that hires them, that fires them... They still say you're a great boss.

They do?

Uh huh. But they're not your friends anymore.

I just wan't to...

No, but you can't.

But I just wa...

Uh uh.

Aren't you gonna...

Oh, Carol and I have a new system. If she punches in 911, it means she's having a baby, otherwise I just ignore it.

What about Andr'?

Oh, well this morning he got a call from who I think was our cousin Nathan, and frankly, it was a little more than I needed to know.

Hey.

That was gonna be my opener.

(understands that Monica and Ethan wanna be alone) Hey, did you guys check out those new hand-dryers in the bathroom?

I thought that was just a rumour.

True story.

They're here already?

All right, look. I've gotta tell you something. I'm not 17. I only said so that you'd think I was cute and vunerable. I'm actually 30, I have a wife, I have a job, I'm your Congressman. Monica, this is ridiculous, we're great together. We can talk, we make each other laugh, and the sex. Oh, man, okay i have no frame of graft, but I thought that was great.

It was.

Then, what's the problem?

Ethan, it's um... it's icky.

Icky? You're actually gonna throw this away because it's icky?

This isn't easy for me either. I wish things were different, I... If you were a few years older, or if I was a few years younger, or if we lived in biblical times, I would really...

No, don't say it. (closes Monica's mouth with his hand)

...love you.

Are you're hands still wet?

Uh, moist, yeah.

Let's dry 'em again.

Uh, like, could these margaritas be any stronger? (They discover that Chandler is listening) Hey, Chandler.

Hello, Mr. Bing.

Loved your Stevie Wonder last night.

Thanks. Listen, about the weekly numbers, I'm gonna need them on my desk by nine o'clock.

Sure.

No problem.

You have to give 'em something, you know. Okay, now that was Gerston, Santos, and who's the guy with the moustache?

Petrie.

Petrie, right, right. Okay, some people gonna be working this weekend.

(talking in her sleep) Oooooooooh. (Rachel strokes her hand over the pillow. Ross mimicks her silently) Oh, that's nice. Oh, oh. Huh, Ross!

Ross?

I'm here.

You are. Well, um... We, we, we were just... Wow!

What? (his beeper goes off) Great, now I'm having a baby.

What?

Ooh, Ooh.

What?

I'm having... I'm having a baby. (jumps back onto the table again) I'm having a... Where's the phone? The phone?

I don't know where the phone is.

Ross?

I'm hurt.

Monica, let's go. Come on now people, woman in labor.

(doing a little dance) Hey Ross, look what I've got going here.

Yeah, save it for the cab, okay.

What are you doing? We're going to a hospital.

What, so I can't lokk nice? There might be doctors there.

Joey, get out of the fridge.

All right, all right. (he comes out from their apartment with a huge sandwich in his hand)

What is that? (refering to the sandwich)

For the ride.

Yeah, like in a cab...

Save it.

Okay, hating this.

Monica, come on now. Let's go, baby coming.

I can't belive it, I'm gonna be an aunt. I'm gonna have like a nephew.

That's nice. Get out Let's go, come on.

All right, I'm going. I'm going.

Here we go, here we go.

Rossy, Rossy.