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Scene 1
Central Perk, the whole gang is there, Ross is showing pictures of his new baby boy, Ben, to the group.
- RossAnd here's little Ben nodding off...
- MonicaAwww, look at Aunt Monica's little boy!
- PhoebeOh, look, he's got Ross's haircut!
- RachelOh, let me see! (grabs picture) Oh, God, is he just the sweetest thing? You must just want to kiss him all over!
- (Ross is practically drooling over Rachel at this point.)
- Ross(quietly) That would be nice.
- (Chandler, annoyed with Ross's fawning, makes a 'pfft' noise.)
- RachelPardon?
- ChandlerNothing, just a little extra air in my mouth. Pffft. Pffffffft. (walks over to where Joey is seated)
- (Joey is looking at his check.)
- JoeyHey, Chan, can you help me out here? I promise I'll pay you back.
- ChandlerOh, yeah, right, OK... inlcuding the waffles last week, you now owe me... 17 jillion dollars.
- JoeyI will, really. I'll pay you back this time.
- Chandler(sigh)... And where's this money coming from? (gives money to Joey)
- JoeyWell... I'm helping out down at the N.Y.U. Med School with some... research.
- Ross(overhearing) What kind of research?
- JoeyOh, just, y'know.... science.
- RossScience. Yeah, I think I've heard of that. (everyone's interest is piqued, they all look over)
- Joey(sigh)... It's a fertility study.
- (Rachel laughs.)
- MonicaOh, Joey, please tell me you're only donating your time.
- JoeyAlright, come on you guys, it's not that big a deal. Really... I mean, I just go down there every other day and... make my contribution to the project. Hey, hey, but at the end of two weeks, I get seven hundred dollars.
- RossHey.
- PhoebeWow, ooh, you're gonna be making money hand over fist!
- OPENING CREDITS
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Scene 2
Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Phoebe are preparing for a barbecue for Rachel's birthday.
- MonicaOK, we got the cole slaw, we got the buns...
- PhoebeWe've got the ground-up flesh of formerly cute cows and turkeys, ew... (hands meat to Monica)
- (Chandler and Joey enter with charcoal.)
- Chandler(in a deep voice) Men are here.
- JoeyWe make fire. Cook meat.
- ChandlerThen put out fire by peeing, no get invited back.
- PhoebeEwww!
- MonicaOh Joey, Melanie called, said she's gonna be late.
- JoeyOh, OK.
- PhoebeSo how are things going with you two? Is she becoming your (provocatively) special someone?
- JoeyI don't know, she's, uh.... she's pretty great.
- MonicaYeah? What does she think of your little science project?
- JoeyWhat, you think I'm gonna tell a girl I like that I'm also seeing a cup?
- MonicaMan's got a point.
- JoeyWell, the tough thing is, she really wants to have sex with me.
- ChandlerCrazy bitch.
- JoeyYeah, well, I still got a week left to go in the program, and according to the rules, if I want to get the money I'm not allowed to conduct any... ersonal experiments, if you know what I mean.
- MonicaJoey... we always know what you mean.
- [Time lapse. Chandler and Joey are making the fire, Monica and Phoebe are inside. Ross enters, carrying luggage.]
- PhoebeHey.
- MonicaHey.
- RossHey. (Phoebe sees his bags)
- PhoebeHow long did you think this barbecue was gonna last?
- RossI'm going to China.
- PhoebeJeez, you say one thing, and...
- MonicaYou're going to China?
- RossYeah, i-it's for the museum. Someone found a bone, we want the bone, but they don't want us to have the bone, so I'm going over there to try to persuade them to give us the bo-it's-it's a whole big bone thing. Anyway, I'm gonna be gone for like, uh... like a week, so, uh, if you wanna reach me, y-you can't. So here's my itinerary (hands a sheet of paper to Monica). Um... here's a picture of me... (hands it to Monica)
- PhoebeOh, let me see! (takes the picture)
- Ross(to Monica): Could you take it to Carol's every now and then, and show it to Ben, just so he doesn't forget me?
- MonicaYeah.
- (Phoebe puts the picture of Ross up to her face.)
- PhoebeHi, Ben. I'm your father. I am... the head. Aaaaaahhhh.... (puts picture down, sees Ross staring at her) Alright, this barbecue is gonna be very fun.
- RossHey, is Rachel here? Um, I wanted to wish her a happy birthday before I left.
- MonicaOh no, she's out having drinks with Carl.
- RossOh. (pause) Hey, who's Carl?
- MonicaYou know, that guy she met at the coffeehouse.
- RossNo.
- PhoebeOh, well, see, there's this guy she met at the...
- RossAt the coffeehouse, right.
- PhoebeSo you do know who he is! (laughs, Ross stares at her) Sorry.
- RossOK, I'm gonna go say goodbye to the guys.
- PhoebeOh, hey, y'know what? Tell them that bone story.
- (Ross goes outisde on the balcony.)
- RossHi.
- JoeyHey!
- ChandlerHey!
- Ross(sigh)....I have to go to China.
- JoeyThe country?
- RossNo no, this big pile of dishes in my mom's breakfront. Do you guys know who Carl is?
- ChandlerUh, let's see... Alvin... Simon... Theodore.... no.
- RossWell, Rachel's having drinks with him tonight.
- JoeyOh no! How can she do that when she's never shown any interest in you?!?
- ChandlerForget about her.
- JoeyHe's right, man. Please. Move on. Go to China. Eat Chinese food.
- ChandlerCourse there, they just call it food.
- RossYeah... I guess. I don't-I don't know. Alright, just... just give her this for me, OK? (gives Chandler a gift for Rachel)
- JoeyListen, buddy, we're just looking out for you.
- RossI know.
- JoeyWe want you to be happy. And I may only have a couple beers in me, but... I love you, man. (Joey gives Ross a hug)
- ChandlerI'm still on my first. I just think you're nice.
- [Time lapse. Melanie, Joey's girlfriend, is there with Joey, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel. Ross is gone.]
- MelanieAnyway, that's when me and my friends started this whole fruit basket business. We call ourselves 'The Three Basketeers.'
- JoeyLike the three musketeers, only with fruit.
- Chandler(sarcastic) Ooooh. (looks dumbfounded at Joey's stupidity)
- Monica(gets up) OK, how does everybody like their burgers?
- RachelOh, no, no, no. Presents first. Food later. (walks into living room)
- (Everyone follows Rachel to the living room. Monica pulls Joey aside.)
- MonicaHey, hold on there, tiger. How's it going? How you holding up?
- JoeyWell, not so good. She definitely thinks tonight is the night we're gonna... complete the transaction, if you know what I...
- (Monica rolls her eyes.)
- JoeyThen you do. Heh, heh.
- MonicaSo, uh, have you ever thought about being there for her?
- JoeyWhat do you mean?
- MonicaY'know, just be there for her.
- (Long pause... Joey looks confused.)
- JoeyNot following you.
- MonicaThink about it.
- (They both walk over to where Rachel is opening her gifts. Rachel sees her first gift is a fruit basket.)
- RachelOK, I'm guessing this is from...
- (Melanie smiles.)
- RachelWell, thank you, Melanie.
- Chandler(pointing out a gift) OK, this one right here is from me.
- Rachel(picks it up) OK... ah, it's light... (shakes it)...it rattles... it's... (opens it) Travel Scrabble! Oooohhh, thank you! (she gives it back to him)
- (Chandler looks dejected. Rachel picks up another gift.)
- RachelThis one's from Joey... feels like a book. Thinks it's a book... feels like a book. And...(opens it)...it's a book!
- PhoebeOh, it's Dr. Seuss!
- Joey(to Rachel): That book got me through some tough times.
- MelanieThere is a little child inside this man!
- ChandlerYes, the doctors say if they remove it, he'll die.
- (Rachel picks up the next gift.)
- RachelWho's this from?
- ChandlerOh, that's Ross's.
- RachelOh... (opens it)... (sees it is a pin) Oh my God. He remembered.
- PhoebeRemembered what?
- RachelIt was like months ago. We were walking by this antique store, and I saw this pin in the window, and I told him it was just like one my grandmother had when I was a little girl. Oh! I can't believe he remembered!
- ChandlerWell, sure, but can you play it on a plane? (pats his Travel Scrabble game)
- PhoebeOh, it's so pretty. This must have cost him a fortune.
- MonicaI can't believe he did this.
- ChandlerCome on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?
- (Everyone looks at him. He realizes he just spilled the beans about Ross's crush on Rachel. You can hear this entire classic scene by clicking here.)
- RachelWhat did you just say?
- Chandler(panicked) ahem... um... Crystal duck.
- RachelNo, no, no.... the, um, the... 'love' part?
- Chandler(stuttering incoherently) F-hah.... flennin....
- RachelOh.... my God.
- Chandler(rubbing his temples) Oh, no-no-no-no-no....
- Joey(pats Chandler on the leg) That's good, just keep rubbing your head. That'll turn back time.
- COMMERCIAL BREAK
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Scene 3
Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.
- RachelI mean, this is unbelievable.
- PhoebeI know. This is really, really huge.
- ChandlerNo it's not. It's small. It's tiny. It's petite. It's wee.
- PhoebeNuh-uh. I don't think any of our lives are ever gonna be the same ever again.
- ChandlerOK, is there a mute button on this woman?
- MonicaI think this is so great! I mean, you and Ross! D-did you have any idea?
- RachelNo! None! I mean, my first night in the city, he mentioned something about asking me out, but nothing ever happened, so I just... (to Joey): W-well, what else did he say? I mean, does he, like, want to go out with me?
- JoeyWell, given that he's desperately in love with you, he probably wouldn't mind getting a cup of coffee or something.
- RachelRoss? All this time? Well, I've got to talk to him. (gets up to leave)
- Chandler(quickly) H-He's in China!
- JoeyThe country.
- MonicaNo, no, wait. (checks Ross's itinerary) His flight doesn't leave for another forty-five more minutes.
- ChandlerWhat about the time difference?
- MonicaFrom here to the airport?
- ChandlerYes! (Rachel walks towards door) You're never gonna make it!
- MonicaRachel, what're you gonna say to him?
- RachelI-I-I don't know.
- ChandlerWell then maybe you shouldn't go.
- JoeyHe's right, cause if you're just gonna, like, break his heart, that's the kind of thing that can wait.
- MonicaYeah, but if it's good news, you should tell him now.
- RachelI don't know. Maybe I'll know when I see him.
- PhoebeHere, look, alright, does this help?
- (Phoebe gets up, holds the picture of Ross up to her face.)
- RachelNoooo... look, all I know is that I cannot wait a week until I see him. I mean, this is just too big. Y'know, I just, I've just gotta talk to him. I... I gotta... OK, I'll see you later. (opens door)
- ChandlerRachel, I love you! Deal with me first! (she leaves)
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Scene 4
Airport, Ross has headphones on, and is listening to a 'How To Speak Chinese' tape. Occasionally, he makes an outburst in Chinese in accordance with the tape. He is getting on the jetway. The flight attendant is there.
- Ross(something in Chinese)
- Flight AttendantAlright!
- RossNi-chou chi-ma! (walks onto jetway)
- (Rachel runs into the airport, trying to catch Ross, moving people out of the way.)
- RachelRoss! Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me....
- (Rachel gets up to the jetway.)
- Flight AttendantHi!
- RachelHi.
- Flight AttendantMay I see your boarding pass?
- RachelOh, no, no, I don't have one. I just need to talk to my friend.
- Flight AttendantOh, oooh. I'm sorry. You are not allowed on the jetway unless you have a boarding pass.
- RachelNo, I know, but I-he just went on. He's right there, he's got the blue jacket on, I... can I j-just...
- Flight AttendantNo no no! Federal regulations!
- RachelOK, alright, OK, um... then could you please, uh... just give him a message for me? Please? This is very important.
- Flight AttendantAlright. What's the message?
- RachelUh... I don't know.
- [Cut to the Jetway, the flight attendant enters, walks past Ross, and approaches an older man with his wife who is also wearing a blue jacket.]
- Flight AttendantSir? Sir? Excuse me, sir? Uh... I have a message for you.
- Man(confused) What?
- Flight AttendantIt's from Rachel. She said that she loved the present, and she will see you when you get back.
- Man(to wife)
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Scene 5
Joey's Bedroom, he and Melanie are in bed together.
- MelanieMmmmmm... Oh, Joey, Joey, Joey... I think I blacked out there for a minute!
- JoeyHeh, heh. It was nothin'.
- MelanieWell, now we've gotta find something fun for you! (she starts kissing his chest)
- Joey(panicked) Uhhh.. y'know what? Forget about me. Let's, uh... let's give you another turn.
- Melanie(surprised) M-Me again?
- JoeySure! Why not?
- MelanieBoy, somebody's gonna get a big fruit basket tomorrow.
- (Joey starts to kiss her.)
- MelanieOooh, I gotta tell you... you are nothing like I thought you would be.
- JoeyHow do you mean?
- MelanieI don't know, I-I guess I just had you pegged as one of those guys who're always 'me, me, me.' But you... you're a giver. You're like the most generous man I ever met. I mean... you're practically a woman.
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Scene 6
Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are there. Monica is holding the wrapping paper from one of Rachel's gifts.
- MonicaUh, so, uh, Rach, uh... do you wanna save this wrapping paper, I mean, it's only a little bit torn... so are you gonna go for it with Ross or should I just throw it out?
- RachelI don't know. I don't know... I thought about it all the way there, and I thought about it all the way back... and, uh, oh, you guys, y'know, it's Ross. Y'know what I mean? I mean, it's Ross.
- PhoebeSure.
- RachelI don't know, I mean, this is just my initial gut feeling... but I'm thinking... oh, I'm thinking it'd be really great.
- MonicaOh my God, me too! Oh! Oh, we'd be like friends-in-law! Y'know what the best part is? The best part is that you already know everything about him! I mean, it's like starting on the fifteenth date!
- PhoebeYeah, but, y'know, it's... it would be like starting on the fifteenth date.
- MonicaAnother good point.
- PhoebeNo, I mean, I mean, when you're at the fifteenth date, y'know, you're already in a very relationshippy place. Y'know, it's... you're committed.
- Rachel(confused) Huh?
- PhoebeWell, I mean, then what happens if it doesn't work out?
- MonicaWhy isn't it working out?
- RachelI don't know... sometimes it doesn't.
- MonicaIs he not cute enough for you?
- RachelNo!
- MonicaDoes he not make enough money?
- RachelNo, I'm just....
- PhoebeMaybe there's someone else.
- RachelWha...
- MonicaIs there? Is there someone else?
- RachelNo! There is.. there is noone else!
- MonicaThen why the hell are you dumping my brother?!?
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Scene 7
Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is eating breakfast, Joey quietly opens his bedroom door.
- ChandlerHey, big...
- JoeyShhhh!
- Chandler(quietly) ...spender.
- JoeyShe's still asleep.
- ChandlerSo how'd it go?
- JoeyOh, it was amazing. You know how you always think you're great in bed?
- ChandlerThe fact that you'd even ask that question shows how little you know me.
- JoeyWell, it's like, last night, I couldn't do the thing that usually makes me great. So I had to do all this other stuff. And the response I got... man, oh man, it was like a ticker tape parade!
- ChandlerYes, I know, as it happens my room is very very close to the parade route.
- JoeyIt was amazing! And not just for her... uh-uh. For me, too. It's like, all of a sudden, I'm blind. But all my other senses are heightened, y'know? It's like... I was able to appreciate it on another level.
- ChandlerI didn't know you had another level.
- JoeyI know! Neither did I!
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Scene 8
Monica and Rachel's, one week later. Monica is seated, Rachel comes out of her bedroom.
- MonicaHey, great skirt! Birthday present?
- RachelYeah.
- MonicaOh, from who?
- RachelFrom you. I exchanged the blouse you got me.
- MonicaWell, it's the thought. Hey, doesn't Ross's flight get in in a couple hours? At gate 27-B?
- RachelUh, yeah. Uh, Monica, y'know, honey, I've been thinking about it and I've decided this-this whole Ross thing, it's just not a good idea.
- MonicaOh, why?
- RachelBecause, I feel like I wouldn't just be going out with him. I would be going out with all of you. Oh, and there would just be all this pressure, and I don't wanna...
- Monica(gets up) No, no, no, no, no, no pressure, no pressure!
- RachelMonica, nothing has even happened yet, and you're already so...
- MonicaI am not 'so'! OK, I was a teensy bit weird at first, but... I'll be good. I promise.
- (Door buzzer goes off. Rachel answers it.)
- RachelWho is it?
- IntercomIt's me, Carl.
- RachelC'mon up.
- MonicaBehind my brother's back? (Rachel glares at her) ... is exactly the kind of crazy thing you won't be hearing from me.
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Scene 9
Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is seated, and the apartment is filled with baskets of fruit. Joey enters, check in hand.
- JoeySeven hundred bucks!
- ChandlerAlright, you did it! Do we have any fruit?
- JoeyMan, hell of a two weeks, huh? Y'know what, though? I really feel like I learned something.
- ChandlerReally? So, you're gonna stick with this 'it's all for her' thing?
- JoeyWhat, are you crazy? When a blind man gets his sight back, does he walk around like this? (Joey closes his eyes and walks around with arms spread.)
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Scene 10
Monica and Rachel's Balcony, Rachel is having drinks with her date, Carl.
- CarlI'm just sayin', if I see one more picture of Ed Begley, Jr. in that stupid electric car, I'm gonna shoot myself! I mean, don't get me wrong... I'm not against environmental issues per se.... it's just that guy!
- (Rachel looks bored. At this point, Ross-a figment of Rachel's imagination- shows up on the balcony and starts talking to her.)
- RossI can't believe you'd rather go out with him than me.
- RachelWould you excuse me, please? I'm trying to have a date here.
- RossFine, just stop thinking about me.
- (She tries, and Ross disappears momentarily. He reappears, standing closer to her.)
- RossCan't do it, can you?
- RachelSo I'm thinking about you. So what?
- RossI don't get it. What do you see in this guy, anyway?
- RachelWell... he happens to be a very nice... guy....
- CarlI mean, come on, buddy, get a real car!
- RossRachel, come on. Give us a chance.
- RachelRoss, it's too hard.
- RossNo, no, no... why, because it might get weird for everyone else? Who cares about them. This is about us. Look, I-I've been in love with you since, like, the ninth grade.
- RachelRoss, you're like my best friend.
- RossI know.
- RachelIf we broke up, and I lost you...
- RossWhoa, whoa, whoa. What makes you think we're gonna break up?
- RachelWell, have you been involved with someone where you haven't broken up?
- Ross(pause) No. But... it only has to happen once. Look, you and I both know we are perfect for each other, right? I mean... so, the only question is... are you attracted to me?
- RachelI don't know... I mean, I've never looked at you that way before.
- RossWell, start looking.
- (They kiss. Ross walks away, and then fades out.)
- RachelWow.
- CarlExactly! And you just know I'm gonna be the guy caught behind this hammerhead in traffic!
- RachelRight! You're right!
- CarlHeh... y'know?
- RachelYou know what?
- CarlWhat?
- RachelI forgot... I am supposed to pick up a friend at the airport. I am so sorry! I'm so... if you want to stay, and finish your drinks, please do.... (gives him her drink) I mean-I'm sorry. I-I-I gotta go. I'm sorry.
- (Rachel leaves.)
- CarlBut...
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Scene 11
Airport. Madonna's Take A Bow plays in the background as Rachel waits at the gate with flowers.
- Rachel(sifting through crowd) Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me, excuse me, sorry. Hi.
- [Cut to the jetway, the old man who the flight attendant delivered Rachel's message to gets off the plane, his wife still upset with him.]
- ManFor God's sake, will you let it go? There's no Rachel!
- (A Chinese woman getting off the plane drops one of her bags. Ross gets off next.)
- RossOh, hey, hey, I got that.
- (Ross picks up the bag... then he and the woman kiss.)
- JulieOh, thanks, sweetie.
- RossNo problem. I cannot wait for you to meet my friends.
- JulieReally?
- RossYeah.
- JulieYou don't think they'll judge and ridicule me?
- RossNo, no, they will. I just... uh...
- Ross and JulieCan't wait.
- RossCome on, they're gonna love you.
- [Cut to a close-up of Rachel, eagerly awaiting Ross's arrival... not knowing he is getting off the plane with another woman.]
- END