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  •  /  Friends  /  S01E06 The One With the Butt


    • new scene
    • Scene 1

      A Theater, the gang is in the audience wating for a play of Joey's to start.

    • rachel
    • Rachel
      (reading the program) Ooh! Look! Look! Look! Look, there's Joey's picture! This is so exciting!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      You can always spot someone who's never seen one of his plays before. Notice, no fear, no sense of impending doom...
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      The exclamation point in the title scares me. (Gesturing) Y'know, it's not just Freud, it's Freud!
    • (The lights dim.)
    • ross
    • Ross
      Oh, shhh, shh. Magic is about to happen.
    • (The lights go up on the stage, Joey, as Freud, is talking to a female patient.)
    • joey
    • Joey
      Vell, Eva, ve've done some exzellent vork here, and I vould have to zay, your pwoblem is qviiite clear.
    • (He goes into a song and dance number.)
    • joey
    • Joey
      (singing) All you want is a dingle, What you envy's a schwang, A thing through which you can tinkle, Or play with, or simply let hang...
    • OPENING CREDITS
    • new scene
    • Scene 2

      The Theater, the play has ended and everyone is applauding. As soon as the cast leaves, the gang all groan and sit down heavily.

    • Everybody
      Ohhh...
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ohhh... I feel violated.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Did anybody else feel they just wanted to peel the skin off their body, to have something else to do?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (staring at a woman across the room) Ross, ten o'clock.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Is it? Feels like two.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      No, ten o'clock.
    • ross
    • Ross
      What?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (sighs and gestures to explain) There's a beautiful woman at eight, nine, ten o'clock!
    • ross
    • Ross
      Oh. Hel-lo!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      She's amazing! She makes the women that I dream about look like short, fat, bald men!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Well, go over to her! She's not with anyone.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh yeah, and what would my opening line be? 'Excuse me. Blarrglarrghh.'
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, c'mon. She's a person, you can do it!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh please, could she be more out of my league? Ross, back me up here.
    • ross
    • Ross
      He could never get a woman like that in a million years.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Thank you, buddy.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh, oh, but y'know, you always see these really beautiful women with these really nothing guys, you could be one of those guys.
    • monica
    • Monica
      You could do that!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Y'think?
    • Everyone
      Yeah!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh God, I can't believe I'm even considering this... I'm very very aware of my tongue...
    • ross
    • Ross
      C'mon! C'mon!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Here goes. (He walks over to her but just stands there.)
    • Aurora
      ...Yes?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Hi.... um... okay, next word... would be... Chandler! Chandler is my name, and, uh...(He clears his throat noisily)...hi.
    • Aurora
      Yes, you said that.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yes, yes I did, but what I didn't say was what I was about to say, what I wanted to say was, uh... would you like to go out with me sometime, thankyou, goodnight. (He walks back to the others but she calls him back.)
    • Aurora
      Chandler?
    • (Joey enters from behind a curtain. The others all talk at once.)
    • Everyone
      Hey! You're in a play! I didn't know you could dance! You had a beard!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Whadja think?
    • (Pause)
    • Everyone
      ...Hey! You're in a play! I didn't know you could dance! You had a beard!
    • joey
    • Joey
      C'mon, you guys, it wasn't that bad. It was better than that thing I did with the trolls, at least you got to see my head.
    • Everyone
      (admitting) Saw your head. Saw your head.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (running back) She said yes!! She said yes!! (To Joey) Awful play, man. Whoah. (To All) Her name's Aurora, and she's Italian, and she pronounces my name 'Chand-lrr'. 'Chand-lrr'. I think I like it better that way. (To Joey) Oh, listen, the usher gave me this to give to you. (He fishes a card out of his pocket.)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      What is it?
    • joey
    • Joey
      The Estelle Leonard Talent Agency. Wow, an agency left me its card! Maybe they wanna sign me!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Based on this play? ...Based on this play!
    • new scene
    • Scene 3

      Central Perk, everyone else is there as Chandler enters.

    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Hey, kids.
    • Everyone
      Hey.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      (reading Monica's palm) No, 'cause this line is passion, and this is... just a line.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Well, I can't believe I've been here almost seven seconds and you haven't asked me how my date went.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Oh, right, right. How was your date, 'Chand-lrr'?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      It was unbelievable. I-I've never met anyone like her. She's had the most amazing life! She was in the Israeli army...
    • (A flashback of Aurora and Chandler on their date in Central Perk is denoted by italics.)
    • Aurora
      ...Luckily none of the bullets hit the engine block. So, we made it to the border, but just barely, and I- ...I've been talking about myself all night long, I'm sorry. What about you? Tell me one of your stories.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Alright. Once I got on the subway, right, and it was at night, and I rode it all the way to Brooklyn... just for the hell of it.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      We talked 'til like two. It was this perfect evening... more or less.
    • Aurora
      ...All of a sudden we realised we were in Yammon.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh, I'm sorry, so 'we' is?
    • Aurora
      'We' would be me and Rick.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Who's Rick?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Who's Rick?
    • Aurora
      My husband.
    • Everyone
      Ooooohhh.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh, so you're divorced?
    • Aurora
      No.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh, I'm sorry, then you're widowed?...Hopefully?
    • Aurora
      No, I'm still married.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      So tell me, how do- how do you think your husband would feel about you sitting here with me?...Sliding your foot so far up my pant leg you can count the change in my pocket?
    • Aurora
      Don't worry. I imagine he'd be okay with you because really, he's okay with Ethan.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Ethan? There's, there's an Ethan?
    • Aurora
      Mmmm... Ethan is my... boyfriend.
    • Everyone
      What?!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      So explain something to me here, uh, what kind of a relationship do you imagine us having if you already have a husband and a boyfriend?
    • Aurora
      I suppose mainly sexual.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      ...Hm.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Oh. I'm sorry it didn't work out.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      What 'not work out'? I'm seeing her again on Thursday. Didn't you listen to the story?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Didn't you listen to the story? I mean, this is twisted! How could you get involved with a woman like this?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Well, y'know, I had some trouble with it at first too, but the way I look at it is, I get all the good stuff: all the fun, all the talking, all the sex; and none of the responsibility. I mean, this is every guy's fantasy!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh, yeah. That is not true. Ross, is this your fantasy?
    • ross
    • Ross
      No, of course not! (Thinks) ...Yeah, yeah, it is.
    • monica
    • Monica
      What? So you guys don't mind going out with someone else who's going out with someone else?
    • joey
    • Joey
      I couldn't do it.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Good for you, Joey.
    • joey
    • Joey
      When I'm with a woman, I need to know that I'm going out with more people than she is.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Well, y'know, monogamy can be a, uh, tricky concept. I mean, anthropologically speaking-
    • (They all pretend to fall asleep.)
    • ross
    • Ross
      Fine. Fine, alright, now you'll never know.
    • monica
    • Monica
      We're kidding. C'mon, tell us!
    • Everyone
      Yeah! C'mon!
    • ross
    • Ross
      Alright. There's a theory, put forth by Richard Leakey-
    • (They all fall asleep again.)
    • new scene
    • Scene 4

      Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is there as enter except Joey enter.

    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Tah-daaah!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Are we greeting each other this way now? 'Cause I like that.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Look! I cleaned! I did the windows, I did the floors... I even used all the attachments on the vacuum, except that little round one with the bristles, I don't know what that's for.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Oh yeah, nobody knows. And we're not supposed to ask.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Well, whaddya think?
    • Everyone
      Very clean! It looks great! Terrific!
    • monica
    • Monica
      ...Oh! I-I see you moved the green ottoman.
    • Everyone
      Uh-oh...
    • monica
    • Monica
      How-how did that happen?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      I dunno.. I-I thought it looked better there. And I- and also, it's an extra seat around the coffee table.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Yeah, yeah, it's interesting.. but y'know what? Just for fun, let's see what it looked like in the old spot. (She moves it.) Alright, just to compare. Let's see. Well, it looks good there too. Let's just leave it there for a while.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      (to Rachel) I can't believe you tried to move the green ottoman.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Thank God you didn't try to fan out the magazines. I mean, she'll scratch your eyes right out.
    • monica
    • Monica
      You guys, I am not that bad!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Yeah, you are, Monica. Remember when I lived with you? You were like, a little, y'know, (psycho) Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree!
    • monica
    • Monica
      That is so unfair!
    • ross
    • Ross
      Oh c'mon! When we were kids, yours was the only Raggedy Ann doll that wasn't raggedy!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Okay, so I'm responsible, I'm organised. But hey, I can be a kook.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Alright, you madcap gal. Try to imagine this. The phone bill arrives, but you don't pay it right away.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Why not?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Because you're a kook! Instead you wait until they send you a notice.
    • monica
    • Monica
      I could do that.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Okay, uh, you let me go grocery shopping, and I buy laundry detergent, but it's not the one with the easy-pour spout.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Why would someone do that?! ...One might wonder.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Someone's left a glass on the coffee table. There's no coaster. It's a cold drink, it's a hot day. Little beads of condensation are inching their way closer and closer to the surface of the wood...
    • monica
    • Monica
      STOP IT!! ...Oh my God. It's true! Who am I?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Monica? You're Mom.
    • (Monica gasps.)
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree!
    • (Joey enters and he's on the phone.)
    • joey
    • Joey
      (on phone) Uh huh.. uh huh... oh my God! Okay! Okay, I'll be there! (He hangs up and to all.) That was my agent. (He tosses and catches the phone.) My agent has just gotten me a job...in the new Al Pacino movie!
    • Everyone
      Oh my God! Whoah!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Well, what's the part?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Can you believe this? Al Pacino! This guy's the reason I became an actor! "I'm out of order? Pfeeeh. You're out of order! This whole courtroom's out of order!"
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Seriously, what-what's the part?
    • joey
    • Joey
      "Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!"
    • ross
    • Ross
      C'mon, seriously, Joey, what's the part?
    • joey
    • Joey
      ...I'm his (mumbles)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      ..You're, you're 'mah mah mah' what?
    • joey
    • Joey
      ...I'm his butt double. 'Kay? I play Al Pacino's butt. Alright? He goes into the shower, and then- I'm his butt.
    • monica
    • Monica
      (trying not to laugh) Oh my God.
    • joey
    • Joey
      C'mon, you guys. This is a real movie, and Al Pacino's in it, and that's big!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh no, it's terrific, it's... it's... y'know, you deserve this, after all your years of struggling, you've finally been able to crack your way into showbusiness.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Okay, okay, fine! Make jokes, I don't care! This is a big break for me!
    • ross
    • Ross
      You're right, you're right, it is...So you gonna invite us all to the big opening?
    • COMMERCIAL BREAK
    • new scene
    • Scene 5

      Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Monica is getting the door.

    • monica
    • Monica
      Alright, alright, alright...
    • (Joey enters with Monica's paper and hands it to her.)
    • joey
    • Joey
      Here. I need to borrow some moisturizer.
    • monica
    • Monica
      For what?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Whaddya think? Today's the big day!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Oh my God. Okay, go into the bathroom, use whatever you want, just don't ever tell me what you did in there.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Thank you! (He goes into the bathroom.)
    • (Chandler enters with the phone.)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Where's Joey? His mom's on the phone.
    • monica
    • Monica
      He's in the bathroom. I don't think you wanna go in there!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      C'mon, we're roommates! (He goes into the bathroom, screams, and runs back out.) My eyes!! My eyes!!
    • monica
    • Monica
      I warned you...
    • (Rachel enters from her room.)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Who is being loud?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh, that would be Monica. Hey, listen, I wanna borrow a coupla things, Aurora spent the night, I really wanna make her breakfast.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Oh, you got the whole night, huh?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yeah, well, I only have twenty minutes until Ethan, so, y'know.. (He starts to raid the fridge.)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ooh, do I sense a little bit of resentment?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      No, no resentment, believe me, it's worth it. 'Kay? Y'know in a relationship you have these key moments that you know you'll remember for the rest of your life? Well, every- single- second is like that with Aurora.. and I've just wasted about thirty-five of them talking to you people, so, uh.. Monica, can you help me with the door? (He has armloads of stuff.)
    • monica
    • Monica
      Sure. Oh, um, Chandler? Y'know, the-the old Monica would-would remind you to scrub that Teflon pan with a plastic brush...But I'm not gonna do that.
    • (She opens the door and he leaves.)
    • new scene
    • Scene 6

      A Film Set, Joey is entering for his scene.

    • Director
      (on phone)...Dammit, hire the girl! (He hangs up the phone.) Okay, everybody ready?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Uh, listen, I just wanna thank you for this great opportunity.
    • Director
      Lose the robe.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Me?
    • Director
      That would work.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Right. Okay. Losing the robe. (He takes off the robe.) And the robe is lost.
    • Director
      Okay, everybody, we'd like to get this in one take, please. Let's roll it.. water's working (The shower starts).. and... action.
    • (Joey starts to the shower with a grim, determined look on his face.)
    • Director
      And cut. Hey, Butt Guy, what the hell are you doing?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Well, I'm- I'm showering.
    • Director
      No, that was clenching.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Oh. Well, the way I see it, the guy's upset here, y'know? I mean, his wife's dead, his brother's missing... I think his butt would be angry here.
    • Director
      I think his butt would like to get this shot before lunch. Once again, rolling... water working... and action....and cut. What was that?
    • joey
    • Joey
      I was going for quiet desperation. But if you have to ask...
    • new scene
    • Scene 7

      Chandler and Joey's, Aurora and Chandler are in bed in Chandler's room.

    • chandler
    • Chandler
      God, I love these fingers...
    • Aurora
      Thank you.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      No, actually I meant my fingers. Look at 'em, look at how happy they are.
    • Aurora
      (moves Chandler's arm and look at his watch.) Oh my God, I'm late. (She starts to get up.)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh no nonononononnononono, don't go.. (He kisses her and pulls her back down.)
    • Aurora
      Okay.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Don't go.
    • Aurora
      Okay. Oh no, I have to.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (to himself) Too bad, she's leaving.
    • Aurora
      (getting up and dressing) I'm sorry. He'll be waiting for me.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Well, I thought- I thought you talked to Rick.
    • Aurora
      It's not Rick.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      What, Ethan? He got to spend the whole day with you!
    • Aurora
      No, it's-it's Andrew.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      I know there'll be many moments in the years to come when I'll regret asking the following question, but- And Andrew is?
    • Aurora
      He's... new.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh, so what you're saying is you're not completely fulfilled by Rick, Ethan and myself?
    • Aurora
      No, that's not exactly what I was..
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Well, y'know, most women would kill for three guys like us.
    • Aurora
      So what do you want?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      You.
    • Aurora
      You have me!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Nono, just you.
    • Aurora
      Whaddyou mean?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Lose the other guys.
    • Aurora
      ...Like, ...all of them?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      C'mon, we're great together, why not?
    • Aurora
      Why can't we just have what we have now? Why can't we just talk, and laugh, and make love, without feeling obligated to one another... and up until tonight I thought that's what you wanted too.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      ...Well, y'know, part of me wants that, but it's like I'm two guys, y'know? I mean, one guy's going 'Shut up! This is great!' But there's this other guy. Actually it's the same guy that wells up every time that Grinch's heart grows three sizes and breaks that measuring device... And he's saying, y'know, 'This is too hard! Get out! Get out!'
    • Aurora
      So... which one of the two guys will you listen to?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      I don't know, I-I have to listen to both of them, they don't exactly let each other finish...
    • Aurora
      Which one?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      ...The second guy.
    • Aurora
      (gets up to leave) Well, call me if you change your mind.
    • (She kisses him, he holds her, and kisses her passionately.)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Sorry, the first guy runs the lips.
    • (She leaves, Chandler sighs, and falls back on his bed.)
    • new scene
    • Scene 8

      Monica and Rachel's, Ross is trying to comfort Chandler. Joey is absent.

    • ross
    • Ross
      Look at it this way: you dumped her. Right? I mean, this woman was unbelievably sexy, and beautiful, intelligent, unattainable... Tell me why you did this again?
    • (Joey enters.)
    • Everyone
      Hey!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Hey, waitwait, aren't you the guy that plays the butt in the new Al Pacino movie?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Nope.
    • ross
    • Ross
      No? What happened, big guy?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (to Ross) "Big guy?"
    • ross
    • Ross
      It felt like a 'big guy' moment.
    • joey
    • Joey
      I got fired.
    • Everyone
      Oh!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah, they said I acted too much with it. I told everybody about this! Now everybody's gonna go to the theatre, expecting to see me, and...
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, Joey, you know what, no-one is gonna be able to tell.
    • joey
    • Joey
      My mom will.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Something so sweet and...disturbing about that.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Y'know, I've done nothing but crappy plays for six years. And I finally get my shot, and I blow it!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Maybe this wasn't your shot.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Yeah, I mean... I think when it's your shot, y'know, you-you know it's your shot. Did it... feel like your shot..?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Hard to tell, I was naked.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      No, I don't think this was your shot. I mean, I don't even think you just get one shot. I really believe big things are gonna happen for you, I do! You've gotta just keep thinking about the day that some kid is gonna run up to his friends and go 'I got the part! I got the part! I'm gonna be Joey Tribbiani's ass!'.
    • joey
    • Joey
      You think? That's so nice! (They hug.)
    • (Ross and Chandler look at each other and hug as well.)
    • monica
    • Monica
      I'm sorry, Joey. I'm gonna go to bed, guys.
    • Everyone
      Night.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Uh, Mon, you-you gonna leave your shoes out here?
    • monica
    • Monica
      (determined) Uh-huh!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Really? Just casually strewn about in that reckless haphazard manner?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Doesn't matter, I'll get 'em tomorrow. Or not. Whenever. (She goes to her room.)
    • ross
    • Ross
      She is a kook.
    • CLOSING CREDITS
    • new scene
    • Scene 9

      Monica's Bedroom, she's lying in bed wide awake.

    • monica
    • Monica
      (hums for a while, then gives up, and in her head) If it bothers you that much, just go out and get the shoes. No. Don't do this. This is stupid! I don't have to prove anything, I'm gonna go get them...But then everyone will know. Unless I get them, and then wake up really early and put them back! ...I need help! (She buries her head in her pillow.)
    • END