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  •  /  Friends  /  S01E10 The One With the Monkey


    • new scene
    • Scene 1

      Monica and Rachel's, Ross is entering.

    • ross
    • Ross
      Guys? There's a somebody I'd like you to meet.
    • (A monkey jumps on to his shoulder.)
    • Everyone
      Oooh!
    • monica
    • Monica
      W-wait. What is that?
    • ross
    • Ross
      'That' would be Marcel. You wanna say hi?
    • monica
    • Monica
      No, no, I don't.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, he is precious! Where did you get him?
    • ross
    • Ross
      My friend Bethel rescued him from some lab.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      That is so cruel! Why? Why would a parent name their child Bethel?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Hey, that monkey's got a Ross on its ass!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Ross, is he gonna live with you, like, in your apartment?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Yeah. I mean, it's been kinda quiet since Carol left, so...
    • monica
    • Monica
      Why don't you just get a roommate?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Nah, I dunno... I think you reach a certain age, having a roommate is kinda pathe- (Realises) ....sorry, that's, that's 'pathet', which is Sanskrit for 'really cool way to live'.
    • OPENING CREDITS
    • new scene
    • Scene 2

      Central Perk, Phoebe is getting ready to sing. Joey is not there.

    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      So you guys, I'm doing all new material tonight. I have twelve new songs about my mother's suicide, and one about a snowman.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Might wanna open with the snowman.
    • (Enter Joey)
    • Everyone
      Hey, Joey. Hey, buddy.
    • monica
    • Monica
      So, how'd it go?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Ahhhhhh, I didn't get the job.
    • ross
    • Ross
      How could you not get it? You were Santa last year.
    • joey
    • Joey
      I dunno. Some fat guy's sleeping with the store manager. He's not even jolly, it's all political.
    • monica
    • Monica
      So what are you gonna be?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Ah, I'm gonna be one of his helpers. It's just such a slap in the face, y'know?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Hey, do you guys know what you're doing for New Year's? (They all protest and hit her with cushions) Gee, what?! What is wrong with New Year's?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Nothing for you, you have Paolo. You don't have to face the horrible pressures of this holiday: desperate scramble to find anything with lips just so you can have someone to kiss when the ball drops!! Man, I'm talking loud!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Well, for your information, Paolo is gonna be in Rome this New Year, so I'll be just as pathetic as the rest of you.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Yeah, you wish!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      It's just that I'm sick of being a victim of this Dick Clark holiday. I say this year, no dates, we make a pact. Just the six of us- dinner.
    • Everyone
      Yeah, okay. Alright.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Y'know, I was hoping for a little more enthusiasm.
    • Everyone
      Woooo! Yeah!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Phoebe, you're on.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh, oh, good.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      (Into microphone) Okay, hi. Ladies and gentlemen, back by popular demand, Miss Phoebe Buffay. Wooh!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      (Takes mike) Thanks, hi. Um, I wanna start with a song that means a lot to me this time of year. (Shakes bell as an introduction) (Sung:)
    • I made a man with eyes of coal
    • And a smile so bewitchin',
    • How was I supposed to know
    • That my mom was dead in the kitchen?
    • (shakes bell) La lalala la la la la lalala la la...
    • (Cut to later. Everyone is totally depressed by now.)
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      (Sung)
    • ...My mother's ashes
    • Even her eyelashes
    • Are resting in a little yellow jar,
    • And sometimes when it's breezy...
    • (Over the sound of Phoebe singing we hear two scientists, Max and David, having a noisy discussion)
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      (Sung)
    • ...I feel a little sneezy
    • And now I- (abruptly stops)
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Excuse me, excuse me! Yeah, noisy boys! (They stop talking and look up) Is it something that you would like to share with the entire group?
    • Max
      No. No, that's- that's okay.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Well, c'mon, if it's important enough to discuss while I'm playing, then I assume it's important enough for everyone else to hear!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (Quietly, to the others) That guy's going home with a note!
    • David
      Noth- I was- I was just saying to my-
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Could you speak up please?
    • David
      (Stands up and speaks more loudly) Sorry, I wa- I was just saying to my friend that I thought you were the most beautiful woman that I'd ever seen in my- in my life. And then he said that- you said you thought
    • Max
      Daryl Hannah.
    • David
      Daryl Hannah was the most beautiful woman that he'd ever seen in his life and I said yeah, I liked her in Splash, a lot, but not so much in- in Wall Street, I thought she had kind of a
    • Max
      Hard quality.
    • David
      -hard quality. And uh, while Daryl Hannah is beautiful in a conventional way, you are luminous with a kind of a delicate grace. Then, uh, that-that-that's when you started yelling. (Sits down)
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Okay, we're gonna take a short break. (Goes over to their table)
    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey, that guy's going home with more than a note!
    • new scene
    • Scene 3

      Monica and Rachel's, everyone except Joey is decorating for Christmas.

    • ross
    • Ross
      Come here, Marcel. Sit here. (Marcel wanders off)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Pheebs, I can't believe he hasn't kissed you yet. I mean God, by my sixth date with Paolo, I mean he had already named both my breasts! ...Ooh. Did I just share too much?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Just a smidge.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      David's like, y'know, Scientist Guy. He's very methodical.
    • monica
    • Monica
      I think it's romantic.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Me too! Oh! Did you ever see An Officer and a Gentleman?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Well, he's kinda like the guy I went to see that with. Except, except he-he's smarter, and gentler, and sweeter... I just- I just wanna be with him all the time. Day and night, and night and day... and special occasions...
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Wait a minute, wait a minute, I see where this is going, you're gonna ask him to New Year's, aren't you. You're gonna break the pact. She's gonna break the pact.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      No, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, could I just?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yeah, 'cause I already asked Janice.
    • monica
    • Monica
      What?!
    • ross
    • Ross
      C'mon, this was a pact! This was your pact!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      I snapped, okay? I couldn't handle the pressure and I snapped.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Yeah, but Janice? That-that was like the worst breakup in history!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      I'm not saying it was a good idea, I'm saying I snapped!
    • [Joey enters, his shoes have bells on, which jingle as he walks. He is wearing a long coat.]
    • joey
    • Joey
      Hi. Hi, sorry I'm late.
    • (He removes the coat to reveal an elf costume)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Too many jokes... must mock Joey!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Nice shoes, huh? (He wiggles his foot and the bells tinkle)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Aah, y'killing me!
    • (Marcel knocks over some kitchen tools)
    • monica
    • Monica
      Ross! He's playing with my spatulas again!
    • ross
    • Ross
      Okay, look, he's not gonna hurt them, right?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Do you always have to bring him here?
    • ross
    • Ross
      I didn't wanna leave him alone. Alright? We- we had our first fight this morning. I think it has to do with my working late. I said some things that I didn't mean, and he- he threw some faeces...
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Y'know, if you're gonna work late, I could look in on him for you.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Oh, that'd be great! Okay, but if you do, make sure it seems like you're there to see him, okay, and you're not like doing it as a favour to me.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Okay, but if he asks, I'm not going to lie.
    • new scene
    • Scene 4

      Max and David's lab, David is explaining something to Phoebe with the aid of a whiteboard.

    • David
      ...But, you can't actually test this theory, because today's particle accelerators are nowhere near powerful enough to simulate these conditions.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Okay, alright, I have a question, then.
    • David
      Yuh.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Um, were you planning on kissing me ever?
    • David
      Uh, that's definitely a, uh, valid question. And, uh, the answer would be (Writes YES on the board) yes. Yes I was. But, see, I wanted it to be this phenomenal kiss that happened at this phenomenal moment, because, well, 'cause it's you.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Sure.
    • David
      Right. But, see, the longer I waited, the more phenomenal the kiss had to be, and now we've reached a place where it's just gotta be one of those things where I just like... sweep everything off the table and throw you down on it. And, uh, I'm not really a, uh, sweeping sorta fella.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh, David, I, I think you are a sweeping sorta fella. I mean, you're a sweeper! ...trapped inside a physicist's body.
    • David
      Rrrreally.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh, yeah, oh, I'm sure of it. You should just do it, just sweep and throw me.
    • David
      ...Now? Now?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh yeah, right now.
    • David
      Okay, okay, okay. (Gets ready to sweep, and then picks up a laptop computer) Y'know what, this was just really expensive. (Puts it down elsewhere. Then picks up a microscope) And I'll take- this was a gift. (Moves it)
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Okay, now you're just kinda tidying.
    • David
      Okay, what the hell, what the hell. (Sweeps the remaining papers off the desk and grabs Phoebe) You want me to actually throw you or you-you wanna just hop?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      I can hop. (She hops onto the table)
    • (They kiss, finally)
    • new scene
    • Scene 5

      Central Perk, everyone is there.

    • ross
    • Ross
      So tell me something. What does the phrase 'no date pact' mean to you?
    • monica
    • Monica
      I'm sorry, okay. It's just that Chandler has somebody, and Phoebe has somebody- I thought I'd ask Fun Bobby.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Fun Bobby? Your ex-boyfriend Fun Bobby?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Yeah.
    • joey
    • Joey
      You know more than one Fun Bobby?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      I happen to know a Fun Bob.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      (Brings Joey a mug of coffee) Okay, here we go...
    • joey
    • Joey
      Ooh ooh ooh ooh, there's no room for milk!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      (Glances at Joey and then sips his coffee) There. Now there is.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Okay, so on our no-date evening, three of you now have dates.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Uh, four.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Four.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Five.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Five. (Buries his head in his hands)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Sorry. Paolo's catching an earlier flight.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah, and I met this really hot single mom at the store. What's an elf to do?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Okay, so I'm gonna be the only one standing there alone when the ball drops?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, c'mon. We'll have, we'll have a big party, and no-one'll know who's with who.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hey, y'know, this is so not what I needed right now.
    • monica
    • Monica
      What's the matter?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Oh, it's-it's Marcel. He keeps shutting me out, y'know? He's walking around all the time dragging his hands...
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      That's so weird, I had such a blast with him the other night.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Really.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yeah, we played, we watched TV.. that juggling thing is amazing.
    • ross
    • Ross
      What, uh... what juggling thing?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      With the balled-up socks? I figured you taught him that.
    • ross
    • Ross
      No.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Y'know, it wasn't that big a deal. He just balled up socks... and a melon...
    • (Max runs in)
    • Max
      Phoebe. Hi.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh, hi Max! Hey, do you know everybody?
    • Max
      No. Have you seen David?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      No, no, he hasn't been around.
    • Max
      Well, if you see him, tell him to pack his bags. We are going to Minsk.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Minsk?
    • Max
      Minsk. It's in Russia.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      I know where Minsk is.
    • Max
      We got the grant. Three years, all expenses paid.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      So when, when do you leave?
    • Max
      January first.
    • COMMERCIAL BREAK
    • new scene
    • Scene 6

      Max and David's lab, they are working. Phoebe knocks on the door

    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Hello?
    • David
      Hey!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Hi.
    • David
      Hi! (Kisses her) What-what're you doing here?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Um, well, Max told me about Minsk, so (Puts on a fake cheery voice) congratulations! This is so exciting!
    • Max
      It'd be even more exciting if we were going.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh, you're not going? (Fake disappointed voice) Oh, why?
    • Max
      Tell her, David. 'I don't wanna go to Minsk and work with Lifson and Yamaguchi and Flench, on nonononononono. I wanna stay here and make out with my girlfriend!!' (Storms out)
    • David
      Thank you, Max. Thank you.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      So-so you're really not going?
    • David
      I don't know. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I just- you decide.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh don't do that.
    • David
      Please.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh no no.
    • David
      No, but I'm asking-
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh, but I can't do that-
    • David
      No, but I can't-
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      It's your thing, and-
    • David
      -make the decision-
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Okay, um, stay.
    • David
      Stay.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Stay.
    • (He thinks for a moment and sweeps the stuff off the table)
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Getting so good at that! (She hops on)
    • David
      It was Max's stuff. (They kiss)
    • new scene
    • Scene 7

      Monica and Rachel's, the party has started.

    • Janice
      I love this artichoke thing! Oh, don't tell me what's in it, the diet starts tomorrow! (Laughs her Janice laugh)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      You remember Janice.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Vividly.
    • (Someone knocks on the door; Monica gets it)
    • monica
    • Monica
      Hi.
    • Sandy
      Hi, I'm Sandy.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Sandy! Hi! C'mon in! (She enters, followed by a young boy and a younger girl)...You brought your kids.
    • Sandy
      Yeah. That's okay, right?
    • (Joey and Monica look at each other and shrug. Ross enters with Marcel on his shoulder)
    • ross
    • Ross
      Par-tay!
    • monica
    • Monica
      That thing is not coming in here.
    • ross
    • Ross
      'That thing'? This is how you greet guests at a party? Let me ask you something, if I showed up here with my new girlfriend, she wouldn't be welcome in your home?
    • monica
    • Monica
      I'm guessing your new girlfriend wouldn't urinate on my coffee table.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Okay. He was more embarrassed about that than anyone. Okay? And for him to have the courage to walk back in here like nothing happened...
    • monica
    • Monica
      Alright. Just keep him away from me.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Thank you. (She walks off) C'mon, Marcel, whaddya say you and I do a little mingling? (Marcel runs off) Alright, I'll, uh... catch up with you later.
    • (The door opens. Rachel is standing there. Her coat is muddy and torn, her hair is dishevelled and her face is bruised. Everyone turns to look)
    • monica
    • Monica
      Oh my gosh! Rachel, honey.. are you okay? Where-where's Paolo?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Rome. Jerk missed his flight.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      And then... your face is bloated?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      No. Okay. I was at the airport, getting into a cab, when this woman- this blonde planet with a pocketbook- starts yelling at me. Something about how it was her cab first. And then the next thing I know she just starts- starts pulling me out by my hair! So I'm blowing my attack whistle thingy and three more cabs show up, and as I'm going to get into a cab she tackles me. And I hit my head on the kerb and cut my lip on my whistle...oh...everybody having fun at the party? (To Monica) Are people eating my dip?
    • [Time lapse. Monica and Rachel, fixed up somewhat, emerge from a bedroom]
    • Sandy
      Y'know, when I saw you at the store last week, it was probably the first time I ever mentally undressed an elf.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Wow, that's, uh, dirty.
    • Sandy
      Yeah.
    • (They almost kiss and then Joey realises her kids are staring at them)
    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey, kids...
    • ross
    • Ross
      (Watching Marcel play with Phoebe. To Chandler) Look at him. I'm not saying he has to spend the whole evening with me, but at least check in.
    • Janice
      (Startles them) There you are! Haaah, you got away from me!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (Imitating) But you found me!
    • Janice
      Here, Ross, take our picture. (Hands him a camera and he starts snapping) Smile! You're on Janice Camera!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Kill me. Kill me now.
    • (Someone else knocks on the door. Monica looks through the spyhole)
    • monica
    • Monica
      Hey everybody! It's Fun Bobby!
    • (Everyone cheers. Monica opens the door. Bobby is obviously very depressed)
    • Fun Bobby
      Hey, sorry I'm late. But my, uh, grandfather, he- died about two hours ago. But I-I-I couldn't get a flight out 'til tomorrow, so here I am!
    • joey
    • Joey
      (Approaching) Hey Fun Bobby! Whoah! Who died?
    • (Monica gestures wildly behind Fun Bobby's back)
    • [Time lapse. Bobby is talking about his grandfather. Everyone else is virtually in tears]
    • Fun Bobby
      It's gonna be an open casket, y'know, so at least I'll- I get to see him again.
    • Janice
      (Ross is still taking their photo) Oh, I'm gonna blow this one up, and I'm gonna write 'Reunited' in glitter.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Alright, Janice, that's it! Janice... Janice... Hey, Janice, when I invited you to this party I didn't necessarily think that it meant that we-
    • Janice
      Oh, no. Oh, no.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      I'm sorry you misunderstood...
    • Janice
      Oh my God. You listen to me, Chandler, you listen to me. One of these times is just gonna be your last chance with me. (She runs off)
    • (Ross is still taking photos)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh, will you give me the thing. (Snatches the camera)
    • (David is feeding Phoebe popcorn. Max walks up)
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Hi, Max!
    • Max
      Yoko. (To David) I've decided to go to Minsk without you.
    • David
      Wow.
    • Max
      It won't be the same- but it'll still be Minsk. Happy New Year.(Walks off)
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Are you alright?
    • David
      Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.
    • (Phoebe leads David into a bedroom)
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      You're going to Minsk.
    • David
      No, I'm... not going to Minsk.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh, you are so going to Minsk. You belong in Minsk. You can't stay here just 'cause of me.
    • David
      Yes I can. Because if I go it means I have to break up with you, and I can't break up with you.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh yes, yes, yes you can. Just say, um, 'Phoebe, my work is my life and that's what I have to do right now'. And I say 'your work?! Your work?! How can you say that?!'. And then you say, um, 'it's tearing me apart, but I have no choice. Can't you understand that?'. And I say (Hits him) 'no! No! I can't understand that!'.
    • David
      Uh, ow.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Ooh, sorry. Um, and, and then you put your arms around me. And then you put your arms around me. (He does so) And, um, and then you tell me that you love me and you'll never forget me.
    • David
      I'll never forget you.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      And then you say that it's almost midnight and you have to go because you don't wanna start the new year with me if you can't finish it. (They kiss) I'm gonna miss you. You scientist guy.
    • Dick Clark
      (on TV) Hi, this is Dick Clark, live in Times Square. We're in a virtual snowstorm of confetti here in Times Square...
    • (Joey puts a blanket over Sandy's kids)
    • joey
    • Joey
      There y'go, kids.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (To a woman who he has clearly just met) And then the peacock bit me. (Laughs) Please kiss me at midnight. (She leaves)
    • joey
    • Joey
      You seen Sandy?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Ooh. Uh, I don't know how to tell you this, but she's in Monica's bedroom, getting it on with Max, that scientist geek. Ooh, look at that, I did know how to tell you.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Vrrbddy, the bll is drrbing.
    • Everyone
      (in the kitchen) What?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      The bll is drrbing!
    • Dick Clark
      (on TV) In twenty seconds it'll be midnight...
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      And the moment of joy is upon us.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Looks like that no date pact thing worked out.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Everybody looks so happy. I hate that.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Not everybody's happy. Hey Bobby!
    • (Bobby waves and then bursts into tears. Midnight comes and everyone at the party except for the gang cheers and kisses)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Y'know, I uh.. just thought I'd throw this out here. I'm no math whiz, but I do believe there are three girls and three guys right here. (Makes kiss noise)
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      I dunno. I don't feel like kissing anyone tonight.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      I can't kiss anyone.
    • monica
    • Monica
      So I'm kissing everyone?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Nonono, you can't kiss Ross, that's your brother.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Perfect. Perfect. So now everybody's getting kissed but me.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Alright, somebody kiss me. Somebody kiss me, it's midnight! Somebody kiss me!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Alrightalrightalright. (Kisses him. Ross takes a photo) There.
    • CLOSING CREDITS
    • new scene
    • Scene 8

      Monica and Rachel's, time lapse.

    • ross
    • Ross
      (Watching Marcel and talking to Rachel) I wanted this to work so much. I mean I'm still in there, changing his diapers, pickin' his fleas... but he's just phoning it in. Just so hard to accept the fact that something you love so much doesn't love you back.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      ...I think that bitch cracked my tooth.
    • END