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  •  /  Friends  /  S01E05 The One With the East German Laundry Detergent


    • new scene
    • Scene 1

      Central Perk, all six are there.

    • monica
    • Monica
      Would you let it go? It's not that big a deal.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Not that big a deal? It's amazing. Ok, you just reach in there, there's one little maneuver, and bam, a bra right out the sleeve. All right, as far as I'm concerned, there is nothing a guy can do that even comes close. Am I right?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Come on! You guys can pee standing up.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      We can? All right, I'm tryin' that.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Ok, you know what blows my mind? Women can see breasts any time they want. You just look down and there they are. How you get any work done is beyond me.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh, ok, you know what I don't get? The way guys can do so many mean things, and then not even care.
    • (Long pause.)
    • ross
    • Ross
      Multiple orgasms!
    • OPENING CREDITS
    • new scene
    • Scene 2

      Central Perk, all are there.

    • chandler
    • Chandler
      So, Saturday night, the big night, date night, Saturday night, Sat-ur-day night!
    • joey
    • Joey
      No plans, huh?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Not a one.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Not even, say, breaking up with Janice?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh, right, right, shut up.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Chandler, nobody likes breaking up with someone. You just gotta do it.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      No, I know, but it's just so hard, you know? I mean, you're sitting there with her, she has no idea what's happening, and then you finally get up the courage to do it, and there's the horrible awkward moment when you've handed her the note.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Why do you have to break up with her? Be a man, just stop calling.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      You know, if you want, I'll do it with you.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh, thanks, but I think she'd feel like we're gangin' up on her.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      No, I mean you break up with Janice and I'll break up with Tony.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Tony?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Oh, you're breaking up with Tony?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Yeah, I know, he's sweet, but it's just not fun anymore, you know? I don't know if it's me, or his hunger strike, or, I don't know.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      (waitressing) Does anybody want anything else?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Oh, yeah, last week you had a wonderful, nutty, chocolatey kind of a cakey pie thing. (Rachel gives him a dirty look) Nothing, just, just, I'm fine.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      (to Rachel) What's the matter? Why so scrunchy?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      It's my father. He wants to give me a Mercedes convertible.
    • ross
    • Ross
      That guy, he burns me up.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah, well, it's a Mercedes if I move back home. Oh, it was horrible. He called me young lady.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Ooh, I hate when my father calls me that.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Did he give you that whole "You're-not-up-to-this" thing again?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, yeah, yeah. Actually, I got the extended disco version, with three choruses of "You'll never make it on your own".
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      (rhythmically) Uh-huh, uh-huh.
    • (Angela, a beautiful woman in a tight dress, enters.)
    • Angela
      Hi, Joey.
    • joey
    • Joey
      My god, Angela.
    • (Angela takes a seat at the counter.)
    • monica
    • Monica
      Wow, being dumped by you obviously agrees with her.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Are you gonna go over there?
    • joey
    • Joey
      No, yeah, no, ok, but not yet. I don't wanna seem too eager. One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi. That seems pretty cool. (he walks over to her) Hey, Angela.
    • Angela
      (casually) Joey.
    • joey
    • Joey
      You look good.
    • Angela
      That's because I'm wearing a dress that accents my boobs.
    • joey
    • Joey
      You don't say.
    • (Cut to Ross and Rachel, talking next to one of the tables.)
    • ross
    • Ross
      So, uh, Rachel, what are you, uh, what're you doing tonight?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, big glamour night. Me and Monica at Laundorama.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Oh, you uh, you wanna hear a freaky coincidence? Guess who's doing laundry there too?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Who?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Me. Was that not clear? Hey, why don't, um, why don't I just join you both, here?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Don't you have a laundry room in your building?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Yes, I do have a laundry room in my building, um, but there's a.... rat problem. Apparently they're attracted to the dryer sheets, and they're goin' in fine, but they're comin' out all.... fluffy. Anyway, say, sevenish?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Sure.
    • (Cut back to Joey and Angela at the counter.)
    • Angela
      Forget it Joey. I'm with Bob now.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Bob? Who the hell's Bob?
    • Angela
      Bob is great. He's smart, he's sophisticated, and he has a real job. You, you go on three auditions a month and you call yourself an actor, but Bob...
    • joey
    • Joey
      Come on, we were great together. And not just at the fun stuff, but like, talking too.
    • Angela
      Yeah, well, sorry, Joe. You said let's just be friends, so guess what?
    • joey
    • Joey
      What?
    • Angela
      We're just friends.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Fine, fine, so, why don't the four of us go out and have dinner together tonight? You know, as friends?
    • Angela
      What four of us?
    • joey
    • Joey
      You know, you and Bob, and me and my girlfriend, uh, uh, Monica.
    • new scene
    • Scene 3

      Monica and Rachel's apartment, Joey is there, trying to convince Monica to pose as his girlfriend. His plan is to hook Monica up with Angela's boyfriend Bob and then take Angela back for himself.

    • joey
    • Joey
      Monica, I'm tellin' you, this guy is perfect for you.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Forget it. Not after your cousin who could belch the alphabet.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Come on. This guy's great. His name's Bob. He's Angela's... brother. He's smart, he's sophisticated, and he has a real job. Me, I go on three auditions a month and call myself an actor, but Bob is...
    • monica
    • Monica
      (looking out window) Oh, god help us.
    • joey
    • Joey
      What?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Ugly Naked Guy's laying kitchen tile. Eww!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Eww! Look, I'm asking a favor here. If I do this for her brother, maybe Angela will come back to me.
    • monica
    • Monica
      What's going on here? You go out with tons of girls.
    • joey
    • Joey
      (proud) I know, but, I made a huge mistake. I never should have broken up with her. Will you help me? Please?
    • new scene
    • Scene 4

      Ross' apartment, Chandler is over.

    • ross
    • Ross
      (on phone) Ok, bye. (hangs up) Well, Monica's not coming, it's just gonna be me and Rachel.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh. Well, hold on camper, are you sure you've thought this thing through?
    • ross
    • Ross
      It's laundry. The thinking through is minimal.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      It's just you and Rachel, just the two of you? This is a date. You're going on a date.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Nuh-uh.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yuh-huh.
    • ross
    • Ross
      So what're you saying here? I should shave again, pick up some wine, what?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Well, you may wanna rethink the dirty underwear. This is basically the first time she's gonna see your underwear-you want it to be dirty?
    • ross
    • Ross
      (sheepish) No.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh, and uh, the fabric softener?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Ok, ok, now what is wrong with my Snuggles? What, it says I'm a sensitive, warm kinda guy, you know, like a warm, fuzzy bear. Ok, I can pick something else up on the way.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      There you go.
    • new scene
    • Scene 5

      A fancy restaurant, Joey and Monica are there, meeting Angela and Bob, who Monica thinks is Angela's brother.

    • monica
    • Monica
      Thank you. So what does this Bob guy look like? Is he tall? Short?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yep.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Which?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Which what?
    • monica
    • Monica
      You've never met Bob, have you?
    • joey
    • Joey
      No, but he's...
    • monica
    • Monica
      Oh my god, Joey, for all we know this guy could be horribly...
    • (Angela and Bob walk in. Bob is good-looking.)
    • Angela
      Hey, Joey.
    • monica
    • Monica
      ...horribly attractive. I'll be shutting up now.
    • new scene
    • Scene 6

      Central Perk, Chandler and Phoebe are there, both ready to break up with their significant others.

    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Where are they? Where are they?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      This is nice. We never do anything just the two of us.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      It's great. Maybe tomorrow we can rent a car and run over some puppies.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Eww, I don't wanna do that.
    • (Janice and Phoebe's boyfriend, Tony, walk in.)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Here we go.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Ok, have a good break-up.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Hey, Janice.
    • Janice
      Oh, my god, I am so glad you called me. I had the most supremely awful day.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Hey, that's not good. Can I get an espresso and a latte over here, please?
    • Janice
      We got the proofs back from that photo shoot, you know, the one with the little vegetables. Anyway, they pretty much sucked, so, I blew off the rest of the day, and I went shopping...(looks through her bags)... and I got you, I'm looking, I'm looking, I'm looking, I got you...
    • (Chandler sees Phoebe breaking up with Tony. She talks to him for a few seconds, hugs him, and then he leaves. Chandler is amazed how easy it was for her.)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      What?
    • Janice
      What?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (covering) What... did you get me there?
    • Janice
      I got you...these. (pulls out a pair of socks)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Bullwinkle socks. That's so sweet.
    • Janice
      Well, I knew you had the Rockys, and so I figured, you know, you can wear Bullwinkle and Bullwinkle, or you can wear Rocky and Rocky,or, you can mix and match, moose and squirrel. Whatever you want.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      That's great.
    • (The drinks arrive, and Chandler downs his espresso in one gulp.)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Well, I'm gonna get another espresso. Can I get you another latte?
    • Janice
      (holding the full cup) No, no, I'm still working on mine.
    • (Chandler walks over to the counter where Phoebe is, and is asking her about the break-up.)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      That's it?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Yeah, it was really hard.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh, yeah, that hug looked pretty brutal.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Ok, you weren't there.
    • new scene
    • Scene 7

      The Launderama, Rachel is there, waiting for Ross. An old woman takes Rachel's clothes off the machine and begins loading it with her things.

    • Woman
      Comin' through. Move, move.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, 'scuse me. I was kinda using that machine.
    • Woman
      Yeah, well, now you're kinda not.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      But I saved it. I put my basket on top.
    • Woman
      Oh, I'm sorry, is that your basket? It's really pretty. Unfortunately, I don't see suds.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      What?
    • Woman
      No suds, no save. Ok?
    • (Ross arrives.)
    • ross
    • Ross
      What's goin' on?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Hi, uh, nothing. That horrible woman just took my machine.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Was your basket on top?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah, but, there were no suds.
    • ross
    • Ross
      So?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Well, you know, no suds, no save.
    • ross
    • Ross
      No suds? Excuse me, hold on a second. (to woman) That's my friend's machine.
    • Woman
      Hey, hey, hey, her stuff wasn't in it.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hey, hey, hey, that's not the rule and you know it.
    • (The woman and Ross stare at each other. Finally she takes her stuff out of the machine and leaves.)
    • ross
    • Ross
      (to the crowd in the laundromat) All right, show's over. Nothing to see here. (to Rachel) Ok, let's do laundry.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      That was amazing. I can't even send back soup.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Well, that's because you're such a sweet, gentle, uh...Do you, uh, do you...Oh, hey, uh you must need detergent.
    • (Ross pulls out a huge box of laundry detergent.)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      What's that?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Uberveiss. It's new, it's German, it's extra-tough.
    • (Rachel starts to load her clothes.)
    • ross
    • Ross
      Rach, do you uh, are you gonna separate those?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh god. Oh, am I being like a total laundry spaz? I mean, am I supposed to use like one machine for shirts and another machine for pants?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Rach, have you never done this before?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Well, not myself, but I know other people that have. Ok, you caught me. I'm a laundry virgin.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Uh, well, don't worry, I'll use the gentle cycle. Ok, um, basically you wanna use one machine for all your whites, a whole nother machine for colors, and a third for your uh, your uh, delicates, and that would be your bras and your under-panty things.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      (holds a pair of panties in front of Ross) Ok, Well, what about these are white cotton panties. Would they go with whites or delicates?
    • ross
    • Ross
      (visibly nervous) Uh, that, that, that would be a judgment call.
    • new scene
    • Scene 8

      Fancy restaurant, Monica, Joey, Angela, and Bob are seated at the table.

    • monica
    • Monica
      (to Joey) He is so cute. (to Angela and Bob) So, where did you guys grow up?
    • Angela
      Brooklyn Heights.
    • Bob
      Cleveland.
    • monica
    • Monica
      How, how did that happen?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Oh my god.
    • monica
    • Monica
      What?
    • joey
    • Joey
      I suddenly had the feeling that I was falling. But I'm not.
    • COMMERCIAL BREAK
    • new scene
    • Scene 9

      Fancy restaurant, Joey and Bob are talking.

    • joey
    • Joey
      So, you and Angela, huh?
    • Bob
      Yep. Pretty much.
    • joey
    • Joey
      You're a lucky man. You know what I miss the most about her? That cute nibbly noise when she eats. Like a happy little squirrel, or a weasel.
    • Bob
      Huh, I never really noticed.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Oh, yeah, yeah, listen for it.
    • Bob
      Monica, Monica is great.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah, but it's not gonna last. She's too much for me in bed. Sexually.
    • new scene
    • Scene 10

      The ladies' bathroom at the restaurant, Monica and Angela are talking.

    • monica
    • Monica
      I've gotta tell you, Bob is terrific.
    • Angela
      Yeah, isn't he?
    • monica
    • Monica
      It is so great to meet a guy who is smart and funny, and has an emotional age beyond, like eight.
    • Angela
      You know what else? He's unbelievable in bed.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Wow. My brother never even told me when he lost his virginity.
    • Angela
      Huh. That's nice.
    • new scene
    • Scene 11

      Central Perk, Phoebe is coaching Chandler on how to break up with Janice.

    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Ok, you can do this. It's just like pulling off a Band-aid. Just do it really fast, and then the wound is exposed.
    • (Chandler walks back to couch, where Janice is.)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Janice. Hi, Janice. Ok, here we go. I don't think we should go out anymore. Janice.
    • Janice
      All right. Well, there you go. (she gets extremely wound up, and begins to try and calm herself down) Stop it, stop it, stop it.
    • new scene
    • Scene 12

      The laundromat.

    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ok, I know this is gonna sound really stupid, but I feel that if I can do this, you know, if I can actually do my own laundry, there isn't anything I can't do.
    • ross
    • Ross
      That does not sound stupid to me. You know, it's like the first time I had to make dinner for myself, after Carol left me? (the buzzer on the washer goes off) I'm sorry, that's all the time we have. Next on Ross...(opens up the washer) Uh-oh.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      What uh-oh?
    • ross
    • Ross
      (not wanting to tell her) Uh-oh, uh-oh, the laundry's done. It's, uh, it's a song. The laundry song that we sing. (singing) Uh-oh the laundry's done, uh-oh, uh-oh.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ross, what's the matter?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Nothing, nothing. Lee-lo, the laundry's done.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Come on, show me.
    • ross
    • Ross
      All right, all right, it's just that you left a red sock in with all your whites, and now, everything's kinda pink.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, everything's pink.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Yeah, uh, except for the red sock, which is still red. I'm sorry, please don't be upset, it could happen to anyone.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Except it didn't. It happened to me. Oh, god, I'm gonna look like a big marshmallow peep. What am I doing? What am I doing? My father's right. I can't live on my own! I can't even do laundry!
    • (The woman who had tried to steal the washing machine walks by, and laughs.)
    • new scene
    • Scene 13

      The fancy restaurant, Angela has her hand in Bob's shirt, and Monica is very uncomfortable.

    • monica
    • Monica
      Something went wrong with Underdog, and they couldn't get his head to inflate. So anyway, um, his head is like flopping down Broadway, right, and I'm just thinking... how inappropriate this is. Um, I've got something in my eye, uh, Joey, could we check it in the light, please?
    • (Her and Joey walk away from the table.)
    • monica
    • Monica
      Oh my god.
    • joey
    • Joey
      What?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Hello! Were we at the same table? It's like... cocktails in Appalachia.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Come on, they're close.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Close? She's got her tongue in his ear.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Oh, like you've never gotten a little rambunctious with Ross.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Joey, this is sick, it's disgusting, it's, it's-not really true, is it?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Well, who's to say what's true? I mean...
    • monica
    • Monica
      Oh my god, what were you thinking?
    • joey
    • Joey
      All right, look, I'm not proud of this, ok? Well, maybe I am a little.
    • monica
    • Monica
      (hits him lightly) Oh!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Ow!
    • monica
    • Monica
      (leaving) I'm outta here.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Wait, wait, wait. You want him, I want her. He likes you.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Really?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah. I'm thinking, if we put our heads together, between the two of us, we can break them up.
    • [Time lapse, Monica accidentally spilled her drink on Bob's shirt and is wiping it off. Joey is making eyes at Angela.]
    • monica
    • Monica
      I'm so sorry, I can't believe I did this, but I couldn't stop laughing at your Norman Mailer story.
    • (Angela is eating chicken wings and making the weasel-like noise Joey had told Bob about.)
    • joey
    • Joey
      Uh, waiter, one more plate of chicken wings over here.
    • new scene
    • Scene 14

      Central Perk, Chandler is still trying to ease things over with Janice, and there are about a dozen empty Espresso cups in front of him. He is extremely wired.

    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Here's the thing, Janice. You know, I mean, it's like we're different. I'm like the bing, bing, bing. You're like the boom, boom, (Chandler flails his hand out and hits Janice in the eye)... boom.
    • Janice
      Ow!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh, my god, I'm so sorry. Are you ok?
    • Janice
      Ow. Um, it's just my lens. It's just my lens. I'll be right back.
    • (She leaves.)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (to Phoebe) I hit her in the eye! I hit her in the eye! This is the worst break-up in the history of the world.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh my god. (Chandler downs another espresso.) How many of those have you had?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh, I don't know, a million?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Chandler, easy, easy. Go to your happy place. La la la la la la la.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      I'm fine.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      All right.
    • (Janice returns from the bathroom.)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      I'm not fine. Here she comes.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Wait here. Breathe.
    • (Phoebe goes over to speak to Janice. She talks to her for a few seconds, and then Janice immediately smiles, hugs her, waves to Chandler, and leaves.)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      How do you do that?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      It's like a gift.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      We should always always break up together.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh, I'd like that.
    • new scene
    • Scene 15

      The Launderama. Rachel is sorting her now-pink clothes.

    • ross
    • Ross
      You got the clothes clean. Now that's the important part.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, I guess. Except everything looks like jammies now.
    • (The same woman walks over and takes Rachel's laundry cart.)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Whoa, I'm sorry. Excuse me. We had this cart.
    • Woman
      Yeah, well, I had a 24-inch waist. You lose things. Now come on, get outta my way.
    • (Rachel looks at Ross, who motions to her to get the cart back.)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      I'm sorry, you know, maybe I wasn't being clear. Uh, this is our cart.
    • Woman
      Hey, hey, hey there aren't any clothes in it.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Hey, hey, hey, hey, quit making up rules!
    • Woman
      Let go!
    • (They struggle for the cart. Finally, Rachel climbs inside of it.)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      All right, listen, missy. If you want this cart, you're gonna have to take me with it!
    • (She thinks it over, and then walks away.)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      (to Ross) Yes! Did you see that?
    • ross
    • Ross
      You were incredible! Brand new woman, ladies and gentlemen.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      I could not have done this without you.
    • (Rachel stands up and kisses Ross. He is stunned. A moment of silence follows.)
    • ross
    • Ross
      Ok, um, uh, more clothes in the dryer? (Ross turns and bangs his head on an open dryer door.) I'm fine, I'm fine.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Are you sure?
    • ross
    • Ross
      No.
    • CLOSING CREDITS
    • new scene
    • Scene 16

      Central Perk, Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are there. Ross has an icepack to his head.

    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, are you sure you're ok?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Yeah.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Does it still hurt?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Yeah.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      (seeing Rachel's clothes) What a neat idea. All your clothes match. I'm gonna do this.
    • (Monica and Joey enter.)
    • monica
    • Monica
      Hi.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Hey, how'd it go?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Excellent.
    • monica
    • Monica
      We ripped that couple apart, and kept the pieces for ourselves.
    • ross
    • Ross
      What a beautiful story. Hey, I'm fine by the way.
    • monica
    • Monica
      (notices his head) Oh, I'm sorry.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Where's Chandler?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh, he needed some time to grieve.
    • (Chandler runs by the window outside, joyous.)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      I'm free! I'm free!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      That oughta do it.
    • END