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  •  /  Friends  /  S01E13 The One With the Boobies


    • new scene
    • Scene 1

      Monica and Rachel's, Chandler walks in and starts raiding the fridge. Rachel comes out of the shower with a towel wrapped round her waist, drying herself with another towel. Chandler and Rachel startle each other and she drops the towel for a second and snatches the rug off the couch.

    • rachel
    • Rachel
      That is it! You just barge in here, you don't knock
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      I'm sorry!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      You have no respect for anybody's privacy!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Rachel, wait, wait.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      No, you wait! This is ridiculous!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Can I just say one thing?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      What? What?!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      That's a relatively open weave and I can still see your... nipular areas.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh!!
    • (She storms off)
    • OPENING CREDITS
    • new scene
    • Scene 2

      Central Perk, Phoebe is there with her boyfriend Roger, talking to Rachel and Monica.

    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh, honey, honey, tell them the story about your patient who thinks things are, like, other things. Y'know? Like, the phone rings and she takes a shower.
    • Roger
      That's pretty much it.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oops!
    • Roger
      But you tell it really well, sweetie.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Thanks. Okay, now go away so we can talk about you.
    • Roger
      Okay. I'll miss you.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Isn't he great?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      He's so cute! And he seems to like you so much.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      I know, I know. So sweet... and so complicated. And for a shrink, he's not too shrinky, y'know?
    • monica
    • Monica
      So, you think you'll do it on his couch?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh, I don't know, I don't know. I think that's a little weird, y'know? Vinyl.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Okaaay. (To the guys, on the couch) Any of you guys want anything else?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh, yes, could I have one of those. (Points)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      No, I'm sorry, we're all out of those. Anybody else?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Okay.
    • Roger
      Did I, uh, did I miss something?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      No, she's still upset because I saw her boobies.
    • ross
    • Ross
      You what? Wh what were you doing seeing her boobies?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      It was an accident. Not like I was across the street with a telescope and a box of donuts.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Okay, okay, could we change the subject, please?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Yeah, 'cause hello, these are not her boobies, these are her breasts.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Okay, Pheebs, I was hoping for more of a change.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Y'know, I don't know why you're so embarrassed, they were very nice boobies.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Nice? They were nice. I mean, that's it? I mean, mittens are nice.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Okaaay, (Gestures) rock, hard place, me.
    • Roger
      You're so funny! He's really funny! I wouldn't wanna be there when when the laughter stops.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Whoah whoah, back up there, Sparky. What'd you mean by that?
    • Roger
      Oh, just seems as though that maybe you have intimacy issues. Y'know, that you use your humour as a way of keeping people at a distance.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Huh.
    • Roger
      I mean hey! I just met you, I don't know you from Adam. ...Only child, right? Parents divorced before you hit puberty.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Uhhuh, how did you know that?
    • Roger
      It's textbook.
    • (Joey enters with his dad)
    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey you guys. Hey, you all know my dad, right?
    • Everyone
      Hey! Hey, Mr. Trib!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Hey, how long are you in the city?
    • Mr. Tribbiani
      Just for a coupla days. I got a job midtown. I figure I'm better off staying with the kid than hauling my ass back and forth on the ferry. (Sees Roger) I don't know this one.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh, this is my friend Roger.
    • Roger
      Hi.
    • Mr. Tribbiani
      Hey, hey. Good to meet you, Roger.
    • Roger
      You too, sir.
    • Mr. Tribbiani
      (To Phoebe) What happened to the, uh, puppet guy?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Dad, dad. (Shakes his head)
    • Mr. Tribbiani
      Oh, 'scuse me. So Ross, uh, how's the wife? (Ross whines and lays his head on Chandler's shoulder) Off there too, uh? Uh, Chandler, quick, say something funny!
    • (Chandler stays stonefaced)
    • new scene
    • Scene 3

      Chandler and Joey's, Mr. Tribbiani is on the phone.

    • Mr. Tribbiani
      Gotta go. I miss you too, I love you, but it's getting real late now
    • joey
    • Joey
      (Snatches the phone) Hey Ma. Listen, I made the appointment with Dr. Bazida, and... Excuse me? (To his dad) Did you know this isn't Ma?
    • (His dad nods. Cut to later. Joey is chopping mushrooms)
    • Mr. Tribbiani
      Her name's Ronni. She's a pet mortician.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Sure. So how long you been... (Goes back to chopping)
    • Mr. Tribbiani
      Remember when you were a little kid, I used to take you to the navy yard and show you the big ships?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Since then?!
    • Mr. Tribbiani
      No, it's only been six years. I just wanted to put a nice memory in your head so you'd know that I wasn't always such a terrible guy. ...Joe. Y'ever been in love?
    • joey
    • Joey
      ...I d'know.
    • Mr. Tribbiani
      Then y'haven't. You're burning your tomatoes.
    • joey
    • Joey
      You're one to talk. (Puts the mushrooms in a saucepan)
    • Mr. Tribbiani
      Joe, your dad's in love big time. And the worst part of it is, it's with two different women.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Oh man. Please tell me one of 'em is Ma.
    • Mr. Tribbiani
      Of course, course one of 'em's Ma. What's the matter with you.
    • new scene
    • Scene 4

      Monica and Rachel's, Joey is lamenting to everyone about his dad's affair.

    • joey
    • Joey
      It's like if you woke up one day and found out your dad was leading this double life. He's like actually some spy, working for the C.I.A. (Considers) That'd be cool.... This blows!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      I know, I mean, why can't parents just stay parents? (She walks over near Chandler and his gaze stays very obviously on her chest) Why do they have to become people? Why do they have... (Notices Chandler) Why can't you stop staring at my breasts?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (Without looking up) What? (Looks up) What?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Did you not get a good enough look the other day?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Alright, alright. We're all adults here, there's only one way to resolve this. Since you saw her boobies, I think, uh, you're gonna have to show her your peepee.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Y'know, I don't see that happening?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      C'mon, he's right. Tit for tat.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Well I'm not showing you my 'tat.'
    • (Door buzzer goes)
    • monica
    • Monica
      Hello?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      (Intercom) It's Phoebe.
    • Roger
      (Intercom) And Rog.
    • monica
    • Monica
      C'mon up.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (Sarcastic) Oh, good. Rog is here.
    • joey
    • Joey
      What's the matter with Rog?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Yeah.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh, it's nothing, it's a little thing... I hate that guy.
    • ross
    • Ross
      What, so he was a little analytical. That's what he does, y'know? C'mon, he's not that bad.
    • (Cut to Chandler, Ross and Roger sitting at the table. Ross is upset)
    • ross
    • Ross
      Y'see, that's where you're wrong. Why would I marry her if I thought on any level that she was a lesbian?
    • Roger
      I dunno. Maybe you wanted your marriage to fail.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Why? Why would I why? Why? Why? Why?
    • Roger
      I don't know. Maybe maybe low self-esteem, maybe maybe to compensate for overshadowing a sibling, maybe you...
    • monica
    • Monica
      Wait-wait, go back to that sibling thing.
    • Roger
      Well, I don't know. I mean, it's conceivable that you wanted to sabotage your marriage so that the sibling would feel less of a failure in the eyes of the parents.
    • ross
    • Ross
      That that's ridiculous! I don't feel guilty for her failures!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Oh! So you think I'm a failure!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Isn't he good?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Nonono, that's not what I was saying...
    • monica
    • Monica
      Y'know, all these years, I thought you were on my side. But maybe what you were doing was sucking up to Mom and Dad so they'd keep liking you better!
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hey, I married a lesbian to make you look good!
    • (Cut to later. Rachel is in tears)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      You're right! I mean you're right! It wasn't just the Weebles, but it was the Weeble Play Palace, and and the Weebles' Cruise Ship. Oh, which had this little lifeboat for the Weebles to wobble in.
    • Roger
      That's tough. Tough stuff. C'mon, Pheebs, we're gonna catch that movie, we gotta get going.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh, okay. Feel better, Rachel, 'kay?
    • Roger
      Geez, we're gonna be late, sweetie...
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh, okay. Listen, thanks for everything, Mon.
    • monica
    • Monica
      You're welcome.
    • Roger
      Listen guys, it was great seeing you again. Mon, um, easy on those cookies, okay? Remember, they're just food, they're not love.
    • (He shuts the door and Ross and Monica fling cookies at it)
    • monica
    • Monica
      Hate that guy! (Throws another cookie)
    • new scene
    • Scene 5

      The Hallway, Chandler and Joey are just leaving Monica and Rachel's.

    • joey
    • Joey
      Night, you guys.
    • (They notice that a woman is sitting by their door)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh look, it's the woman we ordered.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey. Can, uh, can we help you?
    • Ronni
      Oh, no thanks, I'm just waiting for, uh, Joey Tribbiani.
    • joey
    • Joey
      I'm Joey Tribbiani.
    • Ronni
      Oh no, not you, big Joey. Oh my God, you're so much cuter than your pictures! (Joey stares at her) I-I'm, I'm Ronni....Cheese Nip?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Uh, Joey's having an embolism, but I'd go for a Nip, y'know?
    • COMMERCIAL BREAK
    • new scene
    • Scene 6

      Chandler and Joey's, Ronni is talking to Chandler. Joey's dad is not around.

    • Ronni
      Now, y'see, most people, when their pets pass on, they want 'em sorta laid out like they're sleeping. But occasionally you get your person who wants them in a pose. Like, chasing their tail, (Demonstrates) or, uh, jumping to catch a frisbee.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Joey, if I go first, I wanna be looking for my keys.
    • Ronni
      That's a good one!
    • (Joey's dad enters.)
    • Mr. Tribbiani
      Hey, Joe.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Dad, Ronni's here.
    • Mr. Tribbiani
      Huh?
    • Ronni
      Hi.
    • Mr. Tribbiani
      Hey! Hello, babe! Wh what're what're you doing here?
    • Ronni
      Oh, uh, well, you left your good hair at my apartment, I figured you'd need it tomorrow for your meeting. (Hands him the hair)
    • Mr. Tribbiani
      Thank you. Uh...
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      So, who's up for a big game of Kerplunk?
    • Ronni
      Look, I uh, I shouldn'ta come. I-I'd better get going, I don't wanna miss the last train.
    • Mr. Tribbiani
      I don't want you taking that thing.
    • Ronni
      Oh, where'm I gonna stay, here?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Who-ah-ho.
    • Mr. Tribbiani
      We'll go to a hotel.
    • Ronni
      (Shrugs) We'll go to a hotel.
    • joey
    • Joey
      No you won't.
    • Ronni
      No we won't.
    • joey
    • Joey
      If you go to a hotel you'll be...doing stuff. I want you right here where I can keep an eye on you.
    • Mr. Tribbiani
      You're gonna keep an eye on us?
    • joey
    • Joey
      That's right, mister, and I don't care how old you are, as long as you're under my roof you're gonna live by my rules. And that means no sleeping with your girlfriend.
    • Ronni
      Wow. He's strict.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Now dad, you'll be in my room, Ronni uh, you can stay in Chandler's room.
    • Ronni
      Thanks. You're, uh, you're a good kid.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      C'mon, I'll show you to my room. ...That sounds so weird when it's not followed by "No thanks, it's late."
    • joey
    • Joey
      Okay. Now this is just for tonight. Starting tomorrow, you gotta make a change. This has gone on long enough.
    • Mr. Tribbiani
      What kinda change?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Well, either you break it off with Ronni
    • Mr. Tribbiani
      I can't do that!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Then you gotta come clean with Ma! This is not right!
    • Mr. Tribbiani
      Yeah, but this is
    • joey
    • Joey
      I don't wanna hear it! Now go to my room!
    • new scene
    • Scene 7

      Chandler and Joey's, night. Chandler and Joey are sharing the sofabed in the living room. Joey is restless.

    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Hey, Kicky. What're you doing?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Just trying to get comfortable. I can't sleep in my underwear.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Well, you're gonna.
    • joey
    • Joey
      I've been thinking. Y'know, about how I'm always seeing girls on top of girls...
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Are they end to end, or tall like pancakes?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Y'know what I mean, about how I'm always going out with all these women. And I always figured, when the right one comes along, I'd be able to be a stand-up guy and go the distance, y'know? Now I'm looking at my dad, thinking...
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Hey, you're not him. You're you. When they were all over you to go into your father's pipe-fitting business, did you cave?
    • joey
    • Joey
      No.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      No. You decided to go into the out-of-work actor business. Now that wasn't easy, but you did it! And I'd like to believe that when the right woman comes along, you will have the courage and the guts to say "No thanks, I'm married."
    • joey
    • Joey
      You really think so?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yeah. I really do.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Thanks, Chandler. (Snuggles up to him)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Get off!
    • new scene
    • Scene 8

      Monica and Rachel's, morning. Someone knocks on the door and Monica gets it.

    • Ronni
      Hi.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Hi...May I help you?
    • Ronni
      Yeah, uh, Joey said I could use your shower, since, uh, Chandler's in ours?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Okay...who are you?
    • Ronni
      Oh, I'm Ronni. Ronni Rappelano? The mistress?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Oh, c'mon in.
    • Ronni
      Thanks.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Hi, I'm Rachel.
    • Ronni
      Hi.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Bathroom's up there.
    • Ronni
      Great.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Hey, listen, Ronni, how long would you say Chandler's been in the shower?
    • Ronni
      Oh, like, uh, five minutes?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Perfect. Fasten your seatbelts, it's peepee time. (She goes into Joey and Chandler's apartment, where Mr. Tribbiani is reading the paper) Hey, Mr. Trib.
    • Mr. Tribbiani
      Hey. Morning, dear.
    • (Rachel goes up to the door of their bathroom)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Chandler Bing? It's time to see your thing.
    • (She opens the door and whips back the curtain. It's Joey. They both scream)
    • joey
    • Joey
      (Runs out in a towel) What's the matter with you?!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      I thought it was Chandler!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (Comes out of his room) What? What?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      You were supposed to be in there so I could see your thing!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Sorry, my my thing was in there with me.
    • new scene
    • Scene 9

      Central Perk, everyone is there as Phoebe enters.

    • Everyone
      Hey, Pheebs.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Hey.
    • monica
    • Monica
      How's it going?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Good. Oh oh! Roger's having a dinner thing and he wanted me to invite you guys.
    • (Chandler laughs)
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      So what's going on?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Nothing, um, it's just, um... It's Roger.
    • ross
    • Ross
      I dunno, there's just something about...
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Basically we just feel that he's...
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      We hate that guy.
    • Everyone
      Yeah. Hate him.
    • ross
    • Ross
      We're sorry, Pheebs, we're sorry.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Uh-huh. Okay. Okay, don't you think, maybe, though, it's just that he's so perceptive that it freaks you out?
    • Everyone
      ...No, we hate him.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      We're sorry.
    • new scene
    • Scene 10

      Chandler and Joey's apartment, Joey is trying to turn the sofabed back into a sofa. Someone knocks on the door and it rears up at him.

    • joey
    • Joey
      Ma! What're you doing here?
    • Mrs. Tribbiani
      I came to give you this (Gives him a bag of groceries) and this. (Whacks him round the ear)
    • joey
    • Joey
      Oww! Big ring!
    • Mrs. Tribbiani
      Why did you have to fill your father's head with all that garbage about making things right? Things were fine the way they were! There's chicken in there, put it away. For God's sake, Joey, really. (She gives the sofabed a tiny push and it folds away)
    • joey
    • Joey
      Hold on, you-you knew?
    • Mrs. Tribbiani
      Of course I knew! What did you think? Your father is no James Bond. You should've heard some of his cover stories. "I'm sleeping over at my accountant's," I mean, what is that? Please!
    • joey
    • Joey
      So then how could you I mean, how could you?!
    • Mrs. Tribbiani
      Do you remember how your father used to be? Always yelling, always yelling nothing made him happy, nothing made him happy, not that wood shop, not those stupid little ships in the bottle, nothing. Now he's happy! I mean, it's nice, he has a hobby.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Ma, I don't mean to be disrespectful, but... what the hell are you talking about?! I mean, what about you?
    • Mrs. Tribbiani
      Me? I'm fine. Look, honey, in an ideal world, there'd be no her, and your father would look like Sting. And I'll tell you something else. Ever since that poodle-stuffer came along, he's been so ashamed of himself that he's been more attentive, he's been more loving... I mean, it's like every day's our anniversary.
    • joey
    • Joey
      I'm...happy...for you?
    • Mrs. Tribbiani
      Well don't be, because now everything's screwed up. I just want it the way it was.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Ma, I'm sorry. I just did what I thought you'd want.
    • Mrs. Tribbiani
      I know you did, cookie. Oh, I know you did. So tell me. Did you see her?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah. You're ten times prettier than she is.
    • Mrs. Tribbiani
      That's sweet. Could I take her?
    • joey
    • Joey
      With this ring? (Her engagement ring.) No contest.
    • new scene
    • Scene 11

      Central Perk. Phoebe is there with Roger.

    • Roger
      What's wrong, sweetie?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Nothing, nothing.
    • Roger
      Aaaah, what's wrong, c'mon. (Pats his leg. She lies down and rests her head in his lap)
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      It's, I mean, it's nothing, I'm fine. It's my friends. They-they have a liking problem with you. In that, um, they don't.
    • Roger
      Oh. They don't.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      But they don't see all the wonderfulness that I see. They don't see all the good stuff and all the sweet stuff. They just think you're a little...
    • Roger
      What?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Intense and creepy.
    • Roger
      Oh.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      But I don't. Me, Phoebe.
    • Roger
      Well, I'm not I'm not at all surprised they feel that way.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      You're not? See, that's why you're so great!
    • Roger
      Actually it's, it's quite, y'know, typical behaviour when you have this kind of dysfunctional group dynamic. Y'know, this kind of co-dependant, emotionally stunted, sitting in your stupid coffee house with your stupid big cups which, I'm sorry, might as well have nipples on them, and you're like all 'Oh, define me! Define me! Love me, I need love!'.
    • new scene
    • Scene 12

      Monica and Rachel's, Joey is letting everyone in on the new developments.

    • monica
    • Monica
      So you talked to your dad, huh.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah. He's gonna keep cheating on my ma like she wanted, she's gonna keep pretending she doesn't know even though she does, and my little sister Tina can't see her husband any more because he got a restraining order...which has nothing to do with anything except that I found out today.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Wow.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Things sure have changed here on Waltons mountain.
    • ross
    • Ross
      So Joey, you okay?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah, I guess. It's just parents, after a certain point, you gotta let go. Even if you know better, you've gotta let them make their own mistakes.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Just think, in a couple of years we get to turn into them.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      If I turn into my parents, I'll either be an alcoholic blond chasing after twenty-year-old boys, or... I'll end up like my mom.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      (entering) Hey.
    • Everyone
      Hey, Pheebs.
    • monica
    • Monica
      How's it going?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh, okay, except I broke up with Roger.
    • Everyone
      Awww.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Yeah, right.
    • Everyone
      Aaawwwwww!!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      What happened?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      I don't know, I mean, he's a good person, and he can be really sweet, and in some ways I think he is so right for me, it's just... I hate that guy!
    • CLOSING CREDITS
    • new scene
    • Scene 13

      Monica and Rachel's. Phoebe is reading the paper and Joey enters.

    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Hey, Joey. What's going on?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Clear the tracks for the boobie payback express. Next stop: Rachel Green. (He goes into the bathroom. We hear a scream and he comes out, closely followed by Monica in a towel)
    • monica
    • Monica
      Joey!! What the hell were you doing?!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Sorry. Wrong boobies.
    • (He leaves. Cut to Monica entering Chandler and Joey's apartment. She sneaks up to the shower door)
    • monica
    • Monica
      Hello, Joey.
    • (She whips back the curtain to reveal Joey's dad)
    • Mr. Tribbiani
      Oh! ...Hello, dear. (She whips the curtain shut in horror)
    • END