• logo Screen Scripts
  •  /  Friends  /  S10E02 The One Where Ross Is Fine


    • new scene
    • Scene 1

      Joey and Rachel's apartment. The scene starts where we took off in the last episode with Ross seeing Joey and Rachel kissing. Rosss tares at them.

    • joey
    • Joey
      Okay, Ross, I realise that you didn't expect to walk in and see that, but.. Let me explain, okay?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      We weren't doing anything!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Rach, he just saw us.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Shhh.
    • joey
    • Joey
      But what you saw, that is the extent of it, okay? One kiss.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      No, come on, that is a lie. We also kissed in Barbados.
    • Joey (to Rachel)
      Dude, chill! (to Ross) Okay, we also kissed in Barbados, but we didn't plan it, okay? And the only reason that that happened was because I saw you kissing Charlie.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah, you started it! I've got to chill.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Look, we probably should have talked to you about this before it ever happened, but..
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      We feel so terrible about this, Ross.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah, but it did happen, so...
    • (Ross looks shocked and says nothing.)
    • joey
    • Joey
      Ross?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ross? (to Joey) Can we just close the door?
    • OPENING CREDITS
    • new scene
    • Scene 2

      Joey and Rachel's apartment. Continued from earlier.

    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ross, say something. Anything.
    • ross
    • Ross
      So you two are..?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah.
    • ross
    • Ross
      And have you .. ed?
    • joey
    • Joey
      No, no, no!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      No, no, no!
    • ross
    • Ross
      But if I hadn't walked in here, would you..?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Probably.
    • (Rachel looks at him.)
    • joey
    • Joey
      No, no!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ross, this is not how we wanted you to find out about this. You have every right to go nuts.
    • ross
    • Ross
      I'm not going nuts. Do you see me go nuts?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      No, but you know what I mean.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hey, hey, hey... If you two are happy, then I'm happy for you. (Squeaky.) I'm fine!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Really?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Absolutely. (Very Squeaky.) I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, (deep voice) I'm fine. I'm not saying I wasn't a little surprised to see you guys kissing. I mean, at first I was like.. (Screams.) But now that I've had time to absorb it; Lovin' this.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Ross..
    • ross
    • Ross
      It's all working out! Me & Charlie, and you two. You know what we should do?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Calm ourselves?
    • ross
    • Ross
      No. We should all have dinner. Yes, we'll do it tomorrow night. I'll cook!!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Look, don't you think that will be a little weird?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Weird? What? What's weird? The only thing weird would be if someone didn't like Mexican food, because I'm making fajitas!! (Storms off.)
    • joey
    • Joey
      I do like fajitas.
    • new scene
    • Scene 3

      Central Perk. Monica and Chandler are there. They have lots of brochures about adoption in front of them.

    • monica
    • Monica
      God, this adoption stuff is so overwhelming. There's inter-country adoption, dependency adoption.. There are so many ways to go, and this is like the biggest decision of our lives.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      There's a hair in my coffee.
    • (Phoebe enters.)
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Hey guys!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Hey.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Hey, have you seen Frank Jr., 'cause he's meeting me here with the triplets.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      You know, it's funny. Every time you say "triplets," I immediately think of three hot blonde 19-year olds.
    • (Monica glares at him.)
    • monica
    • Monica
      That's sweet. Drink your hair.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Hey, what's all this stuff?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Oh, they're brochures from different adoption agencies.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Ooh, babies! Oh, this one is so cute, get this one!
    • monica
    • Monica
      That's not really how it works.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh, how does it work?
    • monica
    • Monica
      I don't know!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Well, if you're having a hard time, you should talk to my friends, Bill and Colleen. They adopted a kid. I'm sure they'd help you.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Thanks, that would be great. Hey, honey, wouldn't that be great?
    • (Chandler looks like he did the time he swallowed the toy in 605 TOW Joey's Porsche. It's the hair in his coffee.)
    • (Frank Jr. and the triplets enter.)
    • Frank Jr.
      Alright, alright, alright. Remember what we talked about. When we're in a public place, there are certain rules.
    • (The triplets scream and run amok in the coffeehouse.)
    • Frank Jr.
      That's not what we talked about!!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Hey!
    • Frank Jr.
      Hey.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Good to see you.
    • Frank Jr.
      Good to see you, too.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Hi Frank.
    • Frank Jr.
      Hi, how you doin'?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Oh, my goodness, they've all gotten so big!
    • (Little Chandler is pulling Chandler's sweater, while Leslie is throwing bagels at him.)
    • monica
    • Monica
      Which one is which again?
    • Frank Jr.
      Oh, that's Frank Jr. Jr. pulling the tampons out of the lady's purse. And that's Chandler climbing on Chandler, and that's Leslie throwing bagels at him.
    • Monica (reads a form in her lap)
      "Willing to adopt triplets?" No!
    • new scene
    • Scene 4

      The hallway in Ross's building. Joey and Rachel are on their way to Ross's dinner.

    • joey
    • Joey
      Ah, can I just say I know we're doing this for Ross, and that's cool, but if it was up to me, this is not what we'd be doing on our first date.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Well, what would we be doing?
    • joey
    • Joey
      I'd take you out for a romantic night. Some champagne, fancy dinner, feel you up on the carriage ride home...
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Feel me up?
    • joey
    • Joey
      In a carriage!
    • (Charlie walks up to them.)
    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey, Charlie!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Hey.
    • Charlie
      Hi, hi. So.. Dreading this?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, you bet.
    • (Joey sees that she's carrying a small red bag.)
    • joey
    • Joey
      So, did you bring a little something for Ross?
    • Charlie
      Actually.. It's stuff you left at my apartment.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Oh. Oh, thanks.
    • Charlie
      And you know, you can just give me my stuff whenever you want.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah, I didn't throw any of that out..
    • (They enter Ross's apartment. Ross is already quite hyper.)
    • ross
    • Ross
      I thought I heard voices! Hi Charlie! (Kisses her.) Hi Joey. (Hugs him.) And.. Oh! You're gonna have to introduce me to your new girlfriend. (Laughs.) I'm just kidding, I know Rachel, I know. (He squeezes her hand.) Come, please come in. Come in.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Okay, well, we brought you some wine.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Oh! That is so thoughtful. (To Joey.) She's a keeper. And what did you bring me? (Grabs the bag that Charlie brought for Joey.)
    • joey
    • Joey
      Uh, actually, that's..
    • ross
    • Ross
      Underwear, a toothbrush, and Van Halen CD. I can use all these things!!
    • Charlie
      Gosh, Ross, you know, you seem a little...
    • ross
    • Ross
      What? Fine? Because I am! Aren't you? Aren't you? Aren't you? You see? Who else is fine?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Okay, listen, hey, Ross. Why don't you try to relax, okay? Maybe have a drink.
    • ross
    • Ross
      You know what? That is a very good idea. I'm gonna go make a pitcher of Margaritas.
    • (Does a Mexican dancing-thing before going to the kitchen.)
    • new scene
    • Scene 5

      Central Perk. Frank Jr., Phoebe and the triplets are there. The triplets are now sleeping on top of each other on the couch.

    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh, god. So adorable. Look at them sleeping there like angels.
    • Frank Jr.
      Yeah, I really cherish these moments, 'cause before you know it, they're gonna be awake again.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Well, they may be a handful, but they're so cute.
    • Frank Jr.
      Yeah.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh, god, the last time I babysat them, they did the funniest thing..
    • Frank Jr.
      I haven't slept in four years!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      That's a, that's a long time.
    • Frank Jr.
      You just don't know how hard it is, Phoebe. There's just so many of them. You know, two I can handle. Two's great. You just hold one in each hand, but what do I do when the third one runs at me with his bike helmet on. I've got no more hands to protect my area! There's three of them, Phoebe, three!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Yeah, I know, Frank. I counted them when they were coming out of my area.
    • Frank Jr.
      Sometimes I think that.. Oh, no, no, no, I can't say it, it's too horrible. No.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      What?
    • Frank Jr.
      No, I can't.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh my god, Frank, are you thinking of leaving? Because I didn't have those triplets so you could just run out on them!
    • Frank Jr.
      Oh, no! I would never do that. No. I just was thinking that, you know, maybe you could take one.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      What?! You can't separate them! That's terrible. Which one?
    • new scene
    • Scene 6

      Bill and Colleen's apartment. Chandler and Monica enter.

    • monica
    • Monica
      Thank you so much for seeing us. Phoebe has told us such great things about you guys.
    • Colleen
      Oh, please, we're happy to help.
    • Bill
      We went through the same thing when we were adopting.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      So, a lot of malfunctioning wee-wees and hoo-hoos in this room, huh?
    • (Bill and Colleen look shocked.)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      I mean, you have a lovely home.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Well, we appreciate anything you can tell us.
    • Colleen
      Well, actually, I think this might help.
    • (She gives Monica a big binder that's perfectly in order.)
    • Colleen
      It's pretty much all the information you need.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Oh my god!
    • Colleen
      Everything is broken down into categories, and then cross-referenced, and then colour-coded to correspond with the forms in the back.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Thank you. (To Chandler.) I think I just had a tiny orgasm.
    • Bill
      I know the process is frustrating, but it's so worth it. Adopting Owen was the best thing that ever happened to us.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      That's great. (To Monica.) Can I see the book?
    • (Monica looks at him.)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      You want me to wash my hands first, don't you?
    • monica
    • Monica
      It's.. It's just so pretty and white.
    • Colleen
      The bathroom is down the hall, to your left.
    • (Chandler leaves.)
    • Colleen
      I would have told him to do it too.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Can I adopt you?
    • (Cut to the hall. Owen is wearing his scout-uniform and is looking through a box when Chandler walks up to him.)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Hey, you must be Owen.
    • Owen
      Yeah.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      I'm Chandler. Hey, I was in the scouts too.
    • Owen
      You were?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yeah, in fact my father was a den-mother.
    • Owen
      Huh?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      You know how to use a compass?
    • Owen
      I have a badge in it.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      You do? That's fantastic!
    • Owen
      You wanna see it?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      I'd love to, but I gotta get back to talking to your parents. They're telling us all about how they adopted you.
    • Owen
      What?!?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      What?
    • Owen
      I'm adopted?
    • (Chandler tries to come up with a good answer.)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      I got nothing.
    • new scene
    • Scene 7

      Ross's apartment. Ross is totally wasted, but he's still drinking all the margaritas.

    • ross
    • Ross
      The first batch of margaritas was not so great, but the second batch is gooooood.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Well, maybe the next batch, we could all get some.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Oh, guys, this is fun, isn't it? You know? Just the four of us. Just hangin'.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Dude, are you okay? And when are the fajitas gonna be ready?
    • ross
    • Ross
      I'm fine! Hey, I'm great! I'm just.. I'm just proud of us. There's no weirdness, no tension.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      No awareness.
    • ross
    • Ross
      We make a great foursome. We should do more stuff together. Ooh! Let's take a trip. Okay, where do you think we - we can go?
    • (The oven timer pings in the kitchen.)
    • ross
    • Ross
      My fajitas!!
    • (He runs off to the kitchen.)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Look, Charlie, I just want you to know. Ross is just having a little trouble adjusting to the thought of Joey and me. You know, he normally doesn't drink like this.
    • Charlie
      Oh, you know what? This is nothing. My father is a raging alcoholic.
    • (Joey and Rachel don't know how to respond to that.)
    • Charlie
      Oh, I'm sorry, have I made this evening uncomfortable?
    • (Ross enters carrying a frying pan with fajitas - without any oven mitts.)
    • ross
    • Ross
      Fajitas! Be careful, very hot plate, very hot plate!!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ross, you don't even have oven mitts on!
    • (Ross laughs.)
    • ross
    • Ross
      That is gonna hurt tomorrow!
    • new scene
    • Scene 8

      Central Perk. Frank Jr., Phoebe and the triplets are there. Continued from earlier.

    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Okay, well, this is crazy. Can't seriously be talking about me taking one of your kids, can we?
    • Frank Jr.
      No, of course we're not.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Insane.
    • Frank Jr.
      I know.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Alice would never go for it, right?
    • Frank Jr.
      Oh, I don't know, she's pretty tired, too, I think we've got her onboard.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Well, just you know, for argument's sake, you know, hypothetically. Which one would you be willing to give up?
    • Frank Jr.
      Huh.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Frank Jr.Jr.?
    • Frank Jr.
      Oh, you'd be getting a really good one. I mean, you know, he's really funny. Like, the other day he made up this joke.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Uh-huh.
    • Frank Jr.
      What's green and says "hey, I'm a frog"? A talking frog! (Laughs.) Oh, no, you can't have him, he's too funny.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Well, alright, that's fine. What about Leslie?
    • Frank Jr.
      Oh, no, no. Not Leslie. No, she's, she's the only one that knows how to burp the alphabet.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Alright, so that leaves Chandler.
    • Frank Jr.
      Oh, no, no, you can't have Chandler, no. No, no. She's my little genius. I got big hopes for her. She's gonna be a doctor or a realtor..
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Wow, Frank. I think we just ran out of kids.
    • Frank Jr.
      Oh, I think you're right. Oh, wow. Phoebe, I don't think I can give one of them up. I mean, you know, they drive me crazy, but they're my babies.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      I'm sorry, Frank. I didn't realise things were so bad. You know, I'll help out more. I can - I can babysit any time you want. You name the day, and I'll be there.
    • Frank Jr.
      How about tomorrow?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Well, that's not good. But you know, I can move some stuff around, and I'll be there. You and Alice just take the whole day together.
    • Frank Jr.
      You'd do that for us?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Are you kidding? That's what sisters are for.
    • Frank Jr. (looks at the triplets)
      Look at them! Aw. I love you so much. (Strokes Leslie's hair, and she moves a little.) Oh crap, don't wake up, don't wake up!
    • new scene
    • Scene 9

      Bill and Colleen's apartment. Chandler comes running into the living room. Monica is the only one there.

    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Where are Bill and Colleen?
    • monica
    • Monica
      They're in the kitchen getting something to eat. Can you believe how nice they are?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      We have to leave!!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Why? What did you do in the bathroom?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      I didn't get to the bathroom. I bumped into Owen on the way, and he didn't know he was adopted. And there's a slight chance I may have told him.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Oh my god, where's my purse? No, you know what? I can replace everything in there. Get that binder, and let's go!
    • (Bill and Colleen enter.)
    • Colleen
      Hey.
    • Bill
      Some little snacks for everybody. Oh, you don't have to eat the sour worms. Those are for Owen.
    • Colleen
      I'll go get him in a second. By the way, you should know we haven't told him he's adopted yet.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      But kids are so intuitive. Don't you think on some level he already knows?
    • (Owen comes running in.)
    • Owen
      I'm adopted?!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      See? Intuitive!
    • Bill
      What? Where did you hear that?
    • Owen
      He told me! And he paid me 50 dollars not to tell.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Which technically now you should give back!
    • Colleen
      You told him he's adopted?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      I'm so sorry, but you should have a sign out there or something. Or at least whisper it to people when they come in the door. "Owen doesn't know he's adopted, and he also thinks that Santa is real."
    • Owen
      He isn't?!
    • Chandler (to Monica)
      We have to get out of here, baby!
    • new scene
    • Scene 10

      Ross's apartment. Rachel, Joey and Charlie are eating fajitas when Ross enters from the kitchen.

    • ross
    • Ross
      Everyone? I would like to make a toast to Rachel and Joey.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ooy.
    • ross
    • Ross
      And to love. Ah, love. L-O-V-E, love. L is for life. And what is life without love?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh my god, are we supposed to answer?
    • ross
    • Ross
      O is for "oh, wow!" The V is for this very surprising turn of events, which I'm still fine with by the way. E is for how extremely normal I find it. That you two are together. And now one day you might get married and have children of your own.
    • (Ross chokes up and pauses. Rachel and Joey look at him.)
    • joey
    • Joey
      Dude, are you okay?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Totally.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ross, you don't seem okay.
    • Ross (on the verge of tears)
      I'm sorry, it must be the pressure of entertaining. I think everyone would feel better if we had some flan.
    • Charlie
      Wait, Ross. Ross. I - I have to take off.
    • ross
    • Ross
      No!
    • Charlie
      I'm sorry, I have a really early class in the morning, but this has been lovely.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Wasn't it? And you thought it would be awkward with Joey and that you never really liked Rachel.
    • Charlie
      You're on fire! I'll call you in the morning, okay?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Okay.
    • Charlie
      Alright.
    • (Ross goes to the kitchen.)
    • Charlie
      God, Rachel, what Ross just said that is just so..
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, that's okay, girls tend not to like me.
    • Charlie
      Bye.
    • (Ross enters from the kitchen with three plates with flan.)
    • ross
    • Ross
      Okay, I guess it's just flan for three! Hey, hey, that rhymed!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      You know what, Ross? I think we're gonna take off too.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Oh, oh. Of course. God, I'm so stupid. You guys are a couple now. I mean, you probably just want to be alone.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      No, no, it's just that it's getting late...
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hey, hey, it's fine. It's totally fine. We've got plenty of margaritas. It's all good.
    • (The oven timer pings again.)
    • ross
    • Ross
      I don't even know what that's for.
    • (He goes back to the kitchen.)
    • joey
    • Joey
      You know what? I think I'm gonna stay here and make sure he's okay.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah, that's probably a good idea.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah. I'll see you in the morning.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Uh-huh. Okay. You know what, Joey, I don't think he's ever gonna be okay with this.
    • joey
    • Joey
      It doesn't look good, does it?
    • (They kiss each other on the cheek, and Rachel leaves.)
    • new scene
    • Scene 11

      Ross's apartment the next morning. Ross is very hung-over on the couch as Joey enters with a cup of coffee for him.

    • joey
    • Joey
      Morning. Here you go.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Thanks. Did you stay here all night?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah.
    • ross
    • Ross
      So you took off my pants and shoes?
    • joey
    • Joey
      No, no, no. You actually did that when you were dancing to the Chicago-soundtrack. Look, Ross, about, about Rachel and I. Listen, you don't have to worry about that, okay? Because nothing is gonna happen.
    • ross
    • Ross
      What do you mean?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Well, she and I said from the beginning that we weren't gonna do anything unless you were okay with it. And clearly..
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hey, what are you talking about? I'm fine!
    • joey
    • Joey
      It's okay, Ross, alright? I totally understand. Of course you're not fine. You're.. You're Ross and Rachel.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Except we're not. I mean, we haven't been a couple in like, six years. Oh my god, is that right? Has it been that long?
    • joey
    • Joey
      That's what I hear, yeah.
    • ross
    • Ross
      This is crazy. I mean, six years? And because of me you guys aren't gonna be together? Can I ask you something? Really, what is this thing with you and Rachel?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Come on, I mean, you know me, you know...
    • ross
    • Ross
      Joey.
    • joey
    • Joey
      I'm crazy about her.
    • ross
    • Ross
      And she feels the same way?
    • joey
    • Joey
      I think so.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Well, then, maybe it's time we all moved on.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah, but, Ross, I mean, you're not okay with it.
    • ross
    • Ross
      No, but I wanna be. Hey, I will be. Besides, I'm with Charlie, right? Oh my god, I'm still with Charlie, aren't I? I mean, she didn't see the dance, did she?
    • joey
    • Joey
      No, no, no, no, that was - that was just for me. Are you sure about this?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Yeah, I'm sure.
    • joey
    • Joey
      And we're okay?
    • (Ross smiles and holds up his hand for a high-five, but he has forgotten about his burnt hands. He gasps in pain as Joey grabs his hand.)
    • ENDING CREDITS
    • new scene
    • Scene 12

      Central Perk. Monica and Chandler enter to find Phoebe there with the triplets.

    • monica
    • Monica
      Hey, Phoebs
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Hey.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Uhm, we just wanna give you a heads-up. Bill and Colleen hate us.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Owen didn't know he was adopted, and Monica told him.
    • monica
    • Monica
      What?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Still, he had to find out sometime.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yeah, but how would you like it if someone told the triplets that you gave birth to them?
    • (The triplets stare at him.)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      I'm gonna go tell Emma she was an accident. (Runs off.)
    • END