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  •  /  Friends  /  S03E07 The One With the Race Car Bed


    • new scene
    • Scene 1

      Central Perk, the whole gang is there, Ross is telling a story about what happened at work and the rest of the gang are thinking to themselves, denoted by italics.

    • ross
    • Ross
      So I told Carl, 'Nobody, no matter how famous their parents are, nobody is allowed to climb on the dinosaur.' But of course this went in one ear and out.....
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      I love how he cares so much about stuff. If I squint I can pretend he's Alan Alda.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Oh good, another dinosaur story. When are those gonna become extinct?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      If I was a superhero who could fly and be invisible, that would be the best.
    • Gunther
      What does Rachel see in this guy? I love Rachel. I wish she was my wife.
    • (Joey is singing in his head.)
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Who's singing?
    • OPENING CREDITS
    • new scene
    • Scene 2

      Monica and Rachel's, the whole gang is there including Janice, they're watching Happy Days.

    • ross
    • Ross
      Hey. When you guys were kids and you played Happy Days, who were you? I was always Richie.
    • monica
    • Monica
      I was always Joanne.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Question. Was ah, 'Egg the Gellers!' the war cry of your neighbourhood?
    • (A commercial for the Mattress King, Janice's ex-husband, comes on TV.)
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Ewww! Oh! It's the Mattress King!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Booo!!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (to Janice) Don't look honey. Change the channel! Change the channel!
    • Janice
      Wait! Wait! I wanna see this. After I divorce him, half of that kingdom is gonna be mine.
    • Matress King
      (on TV) 'Despair fills the mattress showroom. My kingdom is suddenly without a queen. I'm so depressed I'm going to slash... my prices!! Check it out! Four ninety-nine for a pillow top queen set! I'm going medieval on prices!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      What a wank!
    • Janice
      Oh, I cannot believe he's using our divorce to sell mattresses.
    • monica
    • Monica
      I know! And four ninety-nine for a pillow top queen set, who cares about the divorce, those babies will sell themselves. (they all stare at her) And I'm appalled for you by the way.
    • Matress King
      (on TV) I'm close. I'm cheap. I'm the king.
    • new scene
    • Scene 3

      Central Perk, Rachel is on the phone, everyone else is there except Joey.

    • rachel
    • Rachel
      'Okay. (listens) Okay, daddy we'll see you tomorrow night. (listens) Okay bye-bye.' (hangs up)
    • ross
    • Ross
      We?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Are ah, having dinner with my Dad tomorrow night, I hope that's okay.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Oh shoot, tomorrow's not so good, I'm supposed to um, fall off the Empire State building and land on a bicycle with no seat. Sorry.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ross, my father doesn't hate you.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Please, he refers to me as 'wethead'.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      But honey he calls everybody by a nickname! Okay, look, I know, all right, just one dinner, please, just one night for me, please. I just want him to love you like I do. (Ross looks at her) All right, well not exactly like I do, but, but, if you do come to dinner, I'll love you like I do in that black thing that you like.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (leaning in) I'll go.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Fine.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Thank you.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hi Gunther.
    • Gunther
      Yeah, we'll see!
    • joey
    • Joey
      (entering) Hey, you guys!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Hey!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Guess what?
    • ross
    • Ross
      What?
    • joey
    • Joey
      I got a gig!
    • Everyone
      Yay!!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      See, that's why I could never be an actor. Because I can't say gig.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Yeah, I can't say croissant. (realises) Oh my God!
    • monica
    • Monica
      What's the part?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Well, it's not a part, no. I'm teaching acting for soap operas down at the Learning Extension.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Come on! That's great.
    • Everyone
      Wow!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah, yeah. It's like my chance to give something back to the acting community.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Y'know your probably not allowed to sleep with any of your students.
    • joey
    • Joey
      (glares at him) I know!
    • new scene
    • Scene 4

      Mattress King, Monica and Phoebe are shopping for a new mattress.

    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Ugh! I don't know Monica. It feels funny just being here. I mean if you buy a bed from Janice's ex-husband, that's like betraying Chandler.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Not at these prices.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      (sees a little kid playing with a race car bed) (to kid) Hi. Y'know in England this car would be on the other side of the store. (the kid just stares at her, and she makes the 'that went right over your head' motion) Woo!
    • monica
    • Monica
      (lying down on a mattress) Oh! Ohhhhh! Oh! Phoebe, come here. Aw, this is my new bed. You gotta feel this bad boy.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Eh, Monica it, it feels so weird, y'know, Chandler's your friend... (hops onto the bed) Oh! Oh my God! Aw, all right take this bed, you can make other friends.
    • new scene
    • Scene 5

      Classroom. Joey is writing his name on the board, but turns around before he's done which causes him to write his name with a downward curve, and he then underlines it, and draws the line right through his name.

    • joey
    • Joey
      Good evening. I'm Mr. Tribbiani. And I will be teaching acting for soap operas. Now um, on my first day as (proudly) Dr. Drake Remoray on Days of Our Lives, (looks for a reaction from his students, and gets none.) I learned that one of the most important things in soap opera acting is reacting, this does not mean acting again, it means, you don't have a line, but someone else just did. And it goes like this. (looks all intense for a moment and then gasps, the students cheer him) Thanks, thanks, a lot. Oh, by the way, before I forget to work in soap operas some of you will have to become much more attractive. All right, moving right along.
    • new scene
    • Scene 6

      Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering, Phoebe is already there waiting for the delievery guy.

    • joey
    • Joey
      Hi!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Hey! Ooh! How was teaching last night?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Oh it was great. Yeah, you get to say stuff like, 'Hey, the bell doesn't dismiss you, I dismiss you.'
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Ooooh, nice.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Oh, and guess what, I got an audition for All My Children.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh, yay!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah, it's this great part, this boxer named Nick. And I'm so, so right for it, y'know, he's just like me. Except he's a boxer, and has an evil twin.
    • (There is a knock on the door.)
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh. (goes and answers the door and there is this huge black delievery guy.)
    • Guy
      Dom da-da dom! Here ye! Here ye! Delivery from the Mattress King. (to Phoebe) You Miss Geller?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Okay.
    • Guy
      Sign here. (hands her a clipboard)
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh, do I have a middle name. All right Monica Velula Geller. It's that bedroom there. (points to Monica's room)
    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey, Monica bought a bed from the Mattress King?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Yeah, so please, please, please, don't say anything to Chandler.
    • joey
    • Joey
      You want me to lie to Chandler?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Is that a problem?
    • joey
    • Joey
      No.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh, hey, hey Nick the boxer let's see what you got. All right ya, put 'em up. Come on. (they start shadow boxing)
    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey, you're ah, pretty good at this.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Yeah, well I had to learn, I was staying at the Y and some off the young men weren't acting Christian enough.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Ahh!
    • (Joey throws a punch and just lightly taps her on the shoulder, Phoebe counters with a jab to the nose.)
    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey now!
    • (Phoebe throws another jab, and lands it on Joey's nose, causing it to bleed.)
    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey!!! Oww!! And I'm bleeding.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh! Oh! Oh!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Okay, great.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Wow! And I'm a vegetarian! All right, all right, well I'm sorry, we'll put some ice on it.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Okay.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      'Kay, put your head back.
    • joey
    • Joey
      All right. I can't see.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      All right, I have ya. Oh God.
    • Guy
      Which bedroom do ya want it in Miss Geller?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh, it's the compulsively neat one by the window, okay.
    • Guy
      Gotcha. (he and his helper walk in carrying the racecar bed.)
    • new scene
    • Scene 7

      Restaurant, Rachel and Ross and Dr. Green are having dinner.

    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Hi Daddy!
    • Dr. Green
      This where they put it? What, there no table available in the kitchen! Hello, baby.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      You remember Ross.
    • Dr. Green
      Um-hmm.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Nice to see you again Dr. Green.
    • Dr. Green
      So! (they both try to sit next to Rachel but Dr. Green is successful.) (to Ross) How's the library?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Ugh, museum.
    • Dr. Green
      What happened to the library?
    • ross
    • Ross
      There never was a library. I mean there are libraries, its just that I ah, I never worked at one.
    • Dr. Green
      You know what's really good here, the lobster. What do you say shall I just order three.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Yeah, if you're really hungry. (Dr. Green stares at him) It was a joke, I made a joke.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah, actually Daddy Ross is allergic to lobster.
    • Dr. Green
      What kind of person is allergic to lobster? I guess the kind of person that works at a library.
    • ross
    • Ross
      It's not a library...
    • Dr. Green
      (interrupting him) I know!! It's a museum! What, you're the only one around here who can make a joke! At least mine was funny. Ah, waiter, we will have two lobsters and a menu. (nods at Ross, and mouths I don't know to the waiter.)
    • new scene
    • Scene 8

      After dinner.

    • ross
    • Ross
      So, Dr. Green, how's the old boat.
    • Dr. Green
      They found rust. You know what rust does to a boat?
    • ross
    • Ross
      It gives it a nice antiquey look.
    • Dr. Green
      (he stares at Ross) Rust, is boat cancer, Ross.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Wow. I'm sorry, when I was a kid I lost a bike to that. (Rachel giggles at that)
    • Dr. Green
      Excuse me for a moment, will you please, I want to say good night to the Levines, before we go.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Okay.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Okay! (picks up a knife and pretends to stab his heart.)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Aw honey stop! It's not that bad.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Yeah. (sees the bill) Op! Uh-oh! I think your Dad must've added wrong. He only tipped like four percent.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah. That's Daddy.
    • ross
    • Ross
      That's Daddy?! But doesn't it bother you? You're a waitress.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yes, it bothers me Ross, but y'know if he was a regular at the coffee house, I'd be serving him sneezers.
    • ross
    • Ross
      So?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      So. Ross, I've bugged him about this a million times, he's not gonna change.
    • ross
    • Ross
      You really serve people sneezers?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Well um, I don't.
    • Dr Green
      You kids ready?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Thanks again, Dr. Green.
    • Dr. Green
      All right.
    • (Ross takes a twenty and slips it underneath the bill when Dr. Green isn't looking.)
    • Dr. Green
      Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, I think I forgot my receipt.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Oh, ah, you don't need that.
    • Dr. Green
      Why not?
    • ross
    • Ross
      The carbon, it's messy, I mean it gets on your fingers and causes, the, the ah, night blindness.
    • Dr. Green
      (gets his receipt and notices the twenty) What is this? Who put a twenty down here? Huh?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Oh, yeah, that would be me, um, I have, I have a problem I-I tip way too much, way, way, too much, it's a sickness really.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah it is, it is. (to Ross) We really, really have to do something about that.
    • ross
    • Ross
      I know.
    • Dr. Green
      Excuse me, you think I'm cheap?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh Daddy, no he didn't mean anything by that, he really didn't.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Nothing I do means anything, really.
    • Dr. Green
      This is nice. I pay two hundred dollars for dinner, you put down twenty, and you come out looking like Mr. Big Shot. You really want to be Mr. Big Shot? Here, I'll tell you what, you pay the whole bill, Mr. Big Shot, all right. (rips up the bill, and throws it at Ross, then leaves)
    • ross
    • Ross
      Well Mr. Big Shot is better than 'wethead'.
    • new scene
    • Scene 9

      Classroom, Joey is lecturing on facial expressions.

    • joey
    • Joey
      Okay, some tricks of the trade. Now, I've never been able to cry as an actor, so if I'm in a scene where I have to cry, I cut a hole in my pocket, take a pair of tweezers, and just start pulling. Or ah, or, let's say I wanna convey that I've just done something evil. That would be the basic 'I have a fishhook in my eyebrow and I like it' (Does it by raising one eyebrow, and showing off the pretend fishhook.) Okay, let's say I've just gotten bad news, well all I do there is try and divide 232 by 13. (looks all confused) And that's how it's done. Great soap opera acting tonight everybody, class dismissed.
    • Student
      Hey, Mr. Trib.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey-hey.
    • Student
      Guess what, I got an audition!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Awww, one of my students got an audition. I'm so proud.
    • Student
      I was wondering if you would consider coaching me for it?
    • joey
    • Joey
      You bet! What's the part?
    • Student
      Oh it's great, it's a role on All My Children, Nick the boxer.
    • (Joey does the '232 divided by 13 bad news' look.)
    • COMMERCIAL BREAK
    • new scene
    • Scene 10

      Hallway, Ross and Rachel are returning from dinner.

    • rachel
    • Rachel
      You had to do it, didn't you? You couldn't just leave it alone.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Four percent. Okay. I tip more than that when there's a bug in my food.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ross, tonight was about the two of you getting along. (Ross groans and rubs his neck) Oh, would you just see my chiropractor, already.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Yeah, I'm gonna go to a doctor who went to school in a mini-mall.
    • (they go into Monica and Rachel's, and see Phoebe hopping around.)
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hey Pheebs, what are you doing?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      I'm, I'm freaking out! Monica kinda trusted me with something and she shouldn't have! All right, I haven't lived here in a while, so I have to ask you something. Does Monica still turn on the lights in her bedroom?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Um. yeah.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      I am soo dead. (goes to Monica's room)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      All right, look, here's the bottom line Ross, this is fixable, if we act fast, okay. So, I'll invite him to brunch tomorrow and you can make nice.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Look, honey, I have tried to make nice, it doesn't work.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Okay, look, Ross, I realise that my Father is difficult, but that's why you have got to be the bigger man here.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Look sweetie, I could be the bigger man, I could be the biggest man, I could be a big, huge, giant man, and it still wouldn't make any difference, except that I could pick your Father up and say 'Like me! Like me tiny doctor!'
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Okay, well can't you just try it one more time Ross? For me? For me?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Rachel one brunch is not gonna solve anything. You gotta face it, okay we're never gonna get along.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Okay, well you are just gonna have too, okay. Because I already got a Mother and a Father who cannot stay in the same room together, okay, I don't wanna have to have a separate room for you too!! (starts to cry)
    • ross
    • Ross
      Okay, okay, okay. (hugs her) I'll get the bagels.
    • new scene
    • Scene 11

      Monica's bedroom, Phoebe is trying to hide the bed from Monica.

    • monica
    • Monica
      (sees the bed) What's this?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Isn't it cool! Varoom! Varoom!
    • monica
    • Monica
      This is not the bed I ordered!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      I know, you must've won like a contest or something!
    • (Phoebe starts to make a sound like a car accelerating)
    • monica
    • Monica
      Phoebe!
    • (Phoebe makes a sound like a car screeching to a halt.)
    • monica
    • Monica
      Why is this car in my bedroom?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      I'm sorry, okay, I-I wasn't looking, and the store says that they won't take it back because you signed for it...
    • monica
    • Monica
      When did I sign for it?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      When I was you! Y'know what, it's all Joey's fault, 'cause he left his nose open!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Did you make brownies today?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Knock, knock.
    • monica
    • Monica
      (to Phoebe) Quick, take off your dress, he won't notice the bed.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Hey, I'm going for sushi does anybody want.. (enters and sees the bed) Whoa-whoa, somebody missed the off ramp.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      It's Monica's bed. What?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Okay. (to Monica) It's a racecar.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      So. This has always been Monica's bed, what you're just noticing now, how self-involved are you?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Okay, well it this bed isn't new, how come there is plastic on the mattress?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Sometimes I have bad dreams. (starts to break down, and Phoebe offers her, her hand to comfort her.)
    • new scene
    • Scene 12

      Classroom, Joey is coaching his student.

    • Student
      Look, I just saw my best friends brains smeared across the canvas, that's not gonna be me, not me.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Wow! That was good. That was...(points to his pocket) Tweezers?
    • Student
      No.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Whoa. That was really good.
    • Student
      Thanks, any suggestions?
    • (Joey gets the evil look on his face.)
    • new scene
    • Scene 13

      Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are there, yelling at Joey.

    • chandler
    • Chandler
      You told him to play the boxer gay!!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Well, I-I might've said supergay.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      You totally screwed him over.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Joey, you're this guy's teacher. I mean how could you do this?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Because, Monica, the guy's so good, and I really, really want this part.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Well, if you really, really want it, then it's okay.
    • new scene
    • Scene 14

      Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is greeting her Father for their brunch.

    • rachel
    • Rachel
      (opening the door) Hi Daddy.
    • Dr. Green
      Baby. Ross.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Dr. Green. How are you? (offers his hand, and Dr. Green puts his scarf on it.)
    • Dr. Green
      Thanks for dinner last night.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Thank you for teaching me a valuable lesson.
    • Dr. Green
      Nice hair. What'd ya do? Swim here?
    • ross
    • Ross
      (to Rachel) Okay, that's it, I can't take it anymore.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      What? What? He's interested in you. He-he likes your hair, he just wants to know how you got here.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Oh, please. Sweetie it's hopeless, okay, I'm just gonna go. (starts to leave rubbing his neck)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      What?!
    • ross
    • Ross
      Look, look I'm sorry. It's just that....
    • Dr. Green
      Ross? What's with the neck?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      He's got this thing. And I keep telling him to go to my chiropractor...
    • Dr. Green
      You're still going to that chiropractor, that man couldn't get into medical school in Extapa!
    • ross
    • Ross
      Thank you! That's what I keep saying.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Excuse me, Dr. Bobby happens to be an excellent doctor.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Uh.
    • Dr. Green
      Wait a minute, his name is Dr. Bobby?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Well that's his last name.
    • ross
    • Ross
      And his first name.
    • Dr. Green
      He's Bobby Bobby?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      It's Robert Bobby.
    • Dr. Green
      Oh.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      And um, excuse me, he helps me.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Oh-ho please. Ask her how?
    • Dr. Green
      What do you need help for?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      With my alignment. I've got one leg shorter than the other.
    • Dr. Green
      Oh God!
    • ross
    • Ross
      Argue with that.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      What? It's true, my right leg is two inches shorter.
    • Dr. Green
      Come on! You're just titling! (to Ross) Her legs are fine!
    • ross
    • Ross
      I know that!
    • Dr. Green
      So, why do you let her go to a chiropractor for?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      I'm sorry, let her?
    • ross
    • Ross
      What can I do, she doesn't listen to me about renter's insurance either.
    • Dr. Green
      Wait a minute, you don't have renter's insurance?!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      No.
    • Dr. Green
      Well what if somebody steals something? How are you gonna run after him with one leg shorter than the other?!
    • (Both he and Ross start laughing)
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hey, would you ah, would you like some juice?
    • Dr. Green
      I'd love some juice. Thanks.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Okay. (to Rachel) Wow! This is going so well. Did you see us? Did you see?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah honey, I'm standing right there! Why didn't you just tell him about the mole I haven't got checked yet.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Excellent!
    • new scene
    • Scene 15

      Classroom, Joey is talking to his students.

    • joey
    • Joey
      (sadly) There will come a time in each of your careers when you'll have a chance to screw over another soap opera actor. I had such an opportunity in the recent, present. And I'm ashamed to say that I took it, I advised a fellow actor to play a role, homosexually. Yeah, we both auditioned for the part, and uh, as it turned out, they ah, they liked the stupid gay thing and cast him. And now, he's got a two year contract opposite Susan Luchhi, the first lady of daytime television, and me, me I'm stuck here teaching a bunch of people, most of whom are too ugly to even be on TV. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. (he gets a huge round of applause from his students.) Thank you.
    • new scene
    • Scene 16

      Mattress King, Monica is trying to return her bed.

    • Jester
      Uh, may I help you?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Yeah, I talked to you on the phone, I'm the lady that got stuck with the racecar bed.
    • Jester
      Look, it's like I told you, there's nothing I can do. You signed for it, Monica Velula Geller.
    • joey
    • Joey
      All right, Jester man, look we wanna see the king.
    • Jester
      Nobody sees the king!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Oh-ho-kay, I'm talking to the king. (starts to go to a back room)
    • Jester
      Hey! You can't go back there!
    • (Joey goes to the door, but stops and looks through the window at Janice and the Mattress King, her ex-husband, kissing.)
    • Janice
      Oh my God.
    • (Joey fakes a scream.)
    • CLOSING CREDITS
    • new scene
    • Scene 17

      Monica's bedroom, Chandler is playing with the bed.

    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Varrrrrroom! Hey! Watch it lady! Varrrrrrrrrrom! (makes a screeching sound as he pretends to stomp on the brakes.) Hey-hey good lookin'! (honks the bed's little horn on the steering wheel.) Varrrrrrrrroom. (notices Rachel and stops) All right, I'll leave. My bed's so boring.
    • END