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  •  /  Friends  /  S03E14 The One With Phoebe's Ex-Partner


    • new scene
    • Scene 1

      Central Perk, the gang, except Rachel, is watching a new singer.

    • Singer
      (singing) 'Cause every time I see your face, I can't help but fall from grace. I know.....
    • joey
    • Joey
      Wow! This girl is good.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh-ho yeah! A song with rhyming words. Oo, I never thought of that before.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      I like her.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      (to Chandler) Why? Because she can sing and play guitar and do both at the same time?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Well, that's pretty much all I'm looking for from these people.
    • monica
    • Monica
      (to Phoebe) Look at you. All jealous.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Yeah Pheebs, come on, you two have completely different styles. Y'know, she's more..(shakes his shoulders, like he's dancing) y'know, and you're more (sees the look from Phoebe and stops)
    • Singer
      (singing) beside meeeee-eeee-ee. (everyone applauds her).
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Okay, see, see, everyone else is happy she's done.
    • Singer
      Okay, my next song's called
    • (The gang all looks at Phoebe.)
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh no, one of those 'look for the hidden meaning' songs.
    • OPENING CREDITS
    • new scene
    • Scene 2

      Central Perk, later.

    • Singer
      Hey Phoebe.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Hey Leslie, how'd you know I'd be here?
    • Leslie
      I ran into Vlad at the place where they sell the big fish, and he said you played here a lot, so umm....
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (to Ross) All right listen, I have to go to the bathroom, but if the place with the big fish comes up again. I'd like know whether that's several big fish or just one big fish.
    • joey
    • Joey
      (to Leslie) So ah, Phoebe tells us you write jingles.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Actually I said she abandoned me to write jingles.
    • joey
    • Joey
      (to Leslie) Ah, anything we might of heard of?
    • Leslie
      Ah, yeah, umm. (singing) Home is never far away..
    • joey
    • Joey
      (joining in) Home is Home Star stew.
    • Leslie
      Yeah, but, I don't do that anymore. I got kinda sick of it, and then I couldn't come up with anything good, so they fired me.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Hmm, bummer.
    • Leslie
      Well, I y'know, I was just, umm, I was just thinking and hoping, that umm, maybe you'd want to get back together?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      No. But thanks.
    • Leslie
      Aw come on Phoebe would you just think about it?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Okay. No. But thanks.
    • Leslie
      Okay, ah, see ya Pheebs. (leaves)
    • joey
    • Joey
      (to Phoebe) Wow, that was kinda brutal.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Well okay, let this be a lesson to all of you, all right. Once you, once you betray me, I become like the ice woman, y'know. Very cold, hard, unyielding, y'know nothing, nothing can penetrate this icy exterior. (to Monica) Can I have a tissue, please?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Yeah, sure.
    • new scene
    • Scene 3

      Outside the bathroom, Chandler is pacing back and fourth, waiting is use it.

    • Gunther
      (to Chandler) Someone in there?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      No. This is just part of a dare devil game that I play called 'wait until the last moment before I burst and die.'
    • (The door opens.)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Jeez, man did you fall..(sees it's a beautiful woman coming out of the men's room) Hi! So ah, did ya, did-did-did ya fall high?
    • Woman
      Someone was in the lady's room, I couldn't wait. I left the lid up for ya though.
    • (Gunther walks up)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (to Gunther) Y'know what Gunther, go ah, go ahead, I'm-I'm talking to ah, (tries to get her to say her name). (to her) This is the part where you say your name.
    • Woman
      Ginger.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Ginger. I'm talking to Ginger, so....
    • Ginger
      Don't you have to use the bathroom?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Nope, nope, I'd just ah, I'd rather talk to you. (pause) Yes, I do. Yes, I do have to go to the bathroom. (knocks on the door)
    • Gunther
      Someone in here.
    • new scene
    • Scene 4

      Central Perk, the gang's putting their coats on to leave.

    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Where's Chandler?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Ah, he can't make it, he said he had to his... (sees Ginger) Whoa-oh! (hides behind the coat rack.)
    • Ginger
      Joey? Joey Tribbiani?
    • (She walks over behind the coat rack, but Joey picks it up and moves it so that he's still behind it, and she can't see him.)
    • Ginger
      Joey I can see you okay? You're hiding behind the coats.
    • (Joey puts his finger over his mouth to tell Ross to keep quiet. Ginger looks at Monica who looks away and leave.)
    • joey
    • Joey
      Phew, close one.
    • new scene
    • Scene 5

      Rachel's office, Mark is packing his stuff into a box.

    • ross
    • Ross
      Hi.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Hi, sweetie!
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hello.
    • Mark
      Hi, Ross.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Yeah, huh.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      I've got some bad news.
    • ross
    • Ross
      What?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      I can get a quick bite to eat, but then I have to come back up here.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Come on sweetie! You've had to work late every night for the past two weeks, what is it this time?
    • Mark
      Actually, it's kinda my fault. I-I quit today.
    • ross
    • Ross
      (to Rachel) But work comes first! (to Mark) Oh hey, but that's sad about you though, what happened? Burn out? Burn all out, did ya?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Nooo, he's leaving for a better job.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Oh well that's great, so I guess this is ah, this is good bye then. Huh? (picks a pad up off Rachel's desk and tosses it into his box) Good bye.
    • Mark
      Okay, then.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Okay.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Well we're gonna miss you around here.
    • Mark
      Yeah, me too.
    • (Rachel goes to hug him but Ross is holding one of her hands and doesn't let go, so she can only put one arm around him.)
    • Mark
      So, see ya on Saturday.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah, you bet.
    • (Ross is shocked, but Rachel drags him out of the office.)
    • new scene
    • Scene 6

      Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe and Monica are playing with a Ouija board, Phoebe's beeper goes off and Monica screams.

    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh. (takes her beeper puts in a pot, covers it, and puts the pot in the oven)
    • monica
    • Monica
      Y'know those are a delicacy in India.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Yeah, that was Leslie calling again to see if we can get back together. That's the twentieth time today! And good luck Leslie!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Wow, she must have hurt you pretty bad, huh?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Well, yeah. Y'know, we were best friends, ever since we were little, our Moms worked on the barge together.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Oh, you two must have been so cute running around on a barge.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      You never run on a barge!
    • joey
    • Joey
      (entering) Hey.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Hey.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Is ah, is Chandler around?
    • monica
    • Monica
      No, umm, he met some girl at the coffee house.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Oooh.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Yeah, Ginger something.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Nooo. No, no, ah, are you sure it wasn't something that sounded like Ginger, like ah, Gingeer?
    • monica
    • Monica
      No, it was Ginger. I remember, because when he told me, I said, (singing) 'the movie star.'
    • joey
    • Joey
      Aww, man. That's the girl I was hiding from. When she finds out he's my roommate, she's gonna tell him what I did.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Well, what did you do?
    • joey
    • Joey
      What, oh, oh, oh, no, no, I can't, I can't tell you that, it's like the most awful, horrible thing I've ever done my whole life.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Y'know what, don't tell us. We'll just wait until Chandler gets home, (to Phoebe) because it'll be more fun that way.
    • joey
    • Joey
      All right!! Okay, it was like four years ago. Okay, Ginger and I had gone out a few times, and then this one weekend, we went up to her Dad's cabin. Just me, her, and her annoying little dog Pepper. Well that night, I cooked this really romantic dinner....
    • monica
    • Monica
      You gave her food poisoning!?
    • joey
    • Joey
      I wish. No. After dinner, me, her, and Pepper all fell asleep in front of the fire. Well I woke up in the middle of the night and I saw that the fire was dying out. So, I picked up a log and threw it on. Or, at least what I thought was a log.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh my God!! You threw Pepper on the fire!
    • joey
    • Joey
      I wish. See, I guess another thing I probably should've told you about Ginger is that she kinda has a ah, artificial leg.
    • (Phoebe and Monica both stand up and gasp.)
    • monica
    • Monica
      Oh my God! Joey, what did you do after you threw her leg on the fire?
    • joey
    • Joey
      I ran!!
    • new scene
    • Scene 7

      A street, Chandler is kissing Ginger.

    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Well, that's the best kiss I've had with anyone I've ever met in a men's room.
    • Ginger
      Actually, me too.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (sees her foot is in a slush puddle) Op, foot in a puddle, foot all in a puddle.
    • Ginger
      Oh damn, I hate that.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yeah, we're gonna have to get you out of those shoes.
    • Ginger
      Oh, don't worry about it.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      No, really you're gonna freeze.
    • Ginger
      No, I'm not.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      You're not, what do you, what do you got a bionic foot?
    • Ginger
      Some day, maybe.
    • new scene
    • Scene 8

      Ross's bedroom, Rachel getting into bed while Ross is reading and laughs.

    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Funny book?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hmmm. Oh, no, no, I just thinking about something funny I heard today. Umm, Mark, Mark saying 'I'll see you Saturday.'
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah, at the lecture, I told you that last week, you said you didn't mind.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Oh, no, no, no, it's-it's not the lecture ah, I mind, umm....
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, please tell me it's not because I'm going with Mark.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Oh, well...
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh my God!!! Ross!!
    • ross
    • Ross
      Well, I'm sorry, but ah, look if you're not working with him anymore, why do you have to still do stuff with him?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Because, he's my friend.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Okay, but do you really need another friend? I mean...
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Okay, well if I stop playing with Joey and Chandler, can I play with Mark?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Is that funny? Am I supposed to be laughing?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      I don't know, you thought 'See you Saturday' was funny. Look honey, Mark is in fashion okay, I like having a friend that I can share this stuff with. You guys would never want to go to a lecture with me.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Pa-haa!! I would love to go with you.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Really!?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Yeah, hey I-I have clothes, I even pick them out. I mean for, for all you know I could be a fashion..... monger.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Okay. Honey, I would love for you to go with me. (Ross has a worried look on his face) What?
    • ross
    • Ross
      What should I wear, now I'm all nervous.
    • new scene
    • Scene 9

      Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is looking at her beeper still in the pot. She takes it out, shakes it, and puts it back in.

    • monica
    • Monica
      Y'know they say a watched pot never beeps.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      It's just y'know, been a couple of hours, and she hasn't called. Not that I even care, y'know.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Phoebe why don't you just call her? You obviously want to.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      You think you know me so well.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Well, don't 'cha wanna?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Yeah.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Okay, well I do know you.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      That's what I said.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Well so?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      I can't. I can't. She dumped me, I mean I totally trusted her and then one day it was 'Okay, bye Pheebs' gone. Y'know what the saddest part is, when we were playing together, that was like the most fun I've ever had in like all my lives.
    • new scene
    • Scene 10

      Central Perk, Leslie is singing.

    • Leslie
      (singing) My best shoes, so good to me. I wear them everyday. Down at the heel, holes in the toes. Don't care what people say. My feet's best friends, pals to the end. With them I'm one hot chicky. Though late one night, not much light, I....
    • (Phoebe runs in and joins her.)
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      (singing) I stepped in something icky.
    • Phoebe and Leslie
      (singing) Sticky shoes, sticky shoes, always make me smile. Sticky shoes, sticky shoes, next time I'll.... avoid the..... pillleeeee.
    • COMMERCIAL BREAK
    • new scene
    • Scene 11

      The lecture, Rachel is listening closely, Ross is bored out of his mind.

    • Lecturer
      We're beginning to see a lot of layering of sheer fabrics and colours. For instance a sheer navy blouse over a pink....
    • ross
    • Ross
      (to Rachel) I'm really glad we came. (Rachel smiles and rubs his arm) You're so pretty. I love you.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh. (puts her hand over his mouth)
    • new scene
    • Scene 12

      Central Perk, Phoebe is teaching Leslie how to sing Smelly Cat.

    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      (singing) Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly cat, smelly cat, it's not your fault.
    • Leslie
      Wow, that's great.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh, yeah!
    • Leslie
      Y'know you could totally sell this. It'd be perfect for like umm, a kitty litter campaign.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      I..., a jingle? No, no-no-no, no.
    • Leslie
      What? Why not? You could make a ton of money.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Okay, well if I was in this for the money, I'd be a millionaire by now, y'know. You just got to get out of that jingle head sweetie.
    • Leslie
      Aw, you're right, you're right. I'm sorry.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      That's okay. All right, I'm gonna play song that's really, really sad. It's called Magician Box Mix Up. (she turns her guitar upside down to play it.)
    • new scene
    • Scene 13

      The lecture, Ross is passed out against Rachel's shoulder.

    • Lecturer
      ....oversized bracelets, oversized earrings, oversizing of accessories in general are very popular now.
    • (Ross wakes up with a start and startles Rachel. The guy next to him starts laughing, which starts Ross laughing, Rachel gives him a look and he stops.)
    • new scene
    • Scene 14

      Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is reading the newspaper.

    • monica
    • Monica
      (entering) Hi!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Hey.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Oh, can I borrow this? (points to his milk) My milk's gone bad.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh, I hate that. I once had a thing of half and half, stole my car.
    • monica
    • Monica
      So umm, how was your date with Ginger?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Great. It was great. She's ah, she's great, great looking, great personality, she's greatness.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Sounds like she's got the ah, whole package.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Joey told you about the leg, huh?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Uh-huh.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh God, it freaked me out. Okay, I know it shouldn't have, but it did. I mean I like her, I don't want to stop seeing her, but every so often it's like 'Hey, y'know what, where's your leg?' I mean I'm the smallest person in the world aren't I? I'm the smallest person in the world.
    • joey
    • Joey
      (entering from his bedroom) Morning.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (to Monica) Actually he's the smallest person in the world.
    • joey
    • Joey
      (to Chandler) Heard about the leg burnin' huh?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      It came up.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Listen, I ah, I know it's a longshot. But, by any chance did she find that funny?
    • (Both Chandler and Monica walk away in disgust.)
    • new scene
    • Scene 15

      Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are getting back from the lecture.

    • ross
    • Ross
      (entering) So I nodded off a little.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Nodded off!! Ross you were snoring. My father's boat didn't make that much noise when it hit rocks!
    • ross
    • Ross
      Come on! Forty-five minutes! Forty-five minutes the man talked about strappy backed dresses.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Well okay, how about four hours in a freezing museum auditorium listening to Professor Pitstains and he's 'Hey everybody! Remember that thing that's been dead for a gazillion years. Well there's this little bone we didn't know it had!'
    • ross
    • Ross
      First of all it's Professor Pittain! And second of all, that little bone, proved that, that particular dinosaur had wings, but didn't fly.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Okay, see now, what I just heard: blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah, blah, blah.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Y'know what, 100 million people went to see a movie about what I do, I wonder how many people would go see a movie called, Jurassic Parka.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, that is so...
    • ross
    • Ross
      No-no-no, a bunch of out of control jackets take over an island. (Makes an unusual sound, then he realises that he still has his jacket on and quickly tries to shake it off, thinking it's alive and attacking him.)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Y'know if what I do is so lame, then why did you insist on coming with me this morning? Huh? Was it so I just wouldn't go with Mark?
    • ross
    • Ross
      No. I... I wanted to be with you. I don't know, I feel like lately, I feel like you're slipping away from me, y'know. With this new job, and all these new people, and you've got this whole other life going on. I-I-I know it's dumb, but I hate that I'm not a part of it.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      It's not dumb. But, maybe it's okay that you're not a part of it. Y'know what I mean? (Ross looks confused) I mean it's like, I-I-I like that you're not involved in that part of my life.
    • ross
    • Ross
      That's a little clearer.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Honey see, it doesn't mean that I don't love you. Because I do. I love you, I love you so much. But my work it's-it's for me y'know, I'm out there, on my own, and I'm doing it and it's scary but I love it, because it's mine. I, but, I mean is that okay?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Sure, I-I-I... (hugs her and mouths No!!)
    • new scene
    • Scene 16

      Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and Ginger are eating dinner.

    • Ginger
      Your thinking about my leg aren't you?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      No. No. Actually I forgot, what is the deal with that again?
    • Ginger
      It's okay if it bothers you. Really. I mean the only thing I need to know is
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      No. No. I don't think so.
    • Ginger
      Okay. It's just like anything else, you just have to get used to it.
    • (They start making out. She opens his shirt and feels inside and stops.)
    • Ginger
      What's that?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      That's-that's my nubbin.
    • Ginger
      What's a nubbin?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      It's kinda a ah, a third nipple kinda thing.
    • Ginger
      You have three nipples?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Well, y'know two regulars. And ah one that barely qualifies as... (starts to kiss her again, but she gets up.) Ahh, what?
    • Ginger
      Nothing. I, I just remembered I have to leave.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      You ah, you have, you have to leave, now? How come?
    • Ginger
      Ah well, it's nubbin. Nothing! Umm. Y'know what, I'll see you later. Okay. (She leaves and in the hall we see her shake her shoulders like when someone runs their fingernails across a blackboard.)
    • new scene
    • Scene 17

      Central Perk, Phoebe is getting ready to sing as Leslie enters.

    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      (to Leslie) Oh, I thought you weren't coming. What? Where were you?
    • Leslie
      Come here, come here. (they go to the side of the stage) Okay, don't get mad, okay.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Okay, don't give me a reason to get mad, okay
    • Leslie
      I played Smelly Cat for the people at my old ad agency, they went nuts.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      No, look, I told you that I didn't want you to try and sell it, and you just, you big fat did it anyway. God, y'know what, I think five years ago I probably would've done anything to play with you but, I can do it by myself. And if I can't trust you then just forget it.
    • Leslie
      No, no, I don't want to forget it.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Okay y'know what you have to choose. All right, if-if the most important thing on the planet to you is this cat poopy thing then, okay you can have Smelly Cat, but we won't be partners. So what's it gonna be?
    • new scene
    • Scene 18

      Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe, Monica, and Joey are watching TV.

    • Commercial
      (in the background their singing Smelly Cat) Problem odour in the litter box? Don't change your kitty, change your kitty litter.
    • (Monica gets up and shuts off the TV.)
    • monica
    • Monica
      Sorry, Pheebs.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah. You okay?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Yeah. I actually am, yeah. Y'know life-life's gonna had you all kinds of stuff, y'know you learn your little lessons and hopefully you grow. Wanna hear a new song?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah.
    • monica
    • Monica
      We'd love too.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Okay. (singing) 'Jingle bitch screwed me over! Go to hell jingle whore! Go to hell Go to hell. Go to hell-hell-hell.' That's all I have so far.
    • CLOSING CREDITS
    • new scene
    • Scene 19

      Monica and Rachel's, the whole gang except Chandler is there.

    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (entering, happily) Well hello!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Where have you been?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      The doctor.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Is everything okay?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh yes! Just had me a little nubbin-ectomy. Yep! Two nipples, no waiting.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Wow! It's like Rachel in High School.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      What?!!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Come on! Come on, I was kidding! It was such an obvious joke!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      That was an obvious joke, and I didn't think of it. Why didn't I think of it? The source of all my powers. Oh dear God, what have I done!
    • END