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  •  /  Friends  /  S03E19 The One With The Tiny T-shirt


    • new scene
    • Scene 1

      Central Perk, Gunther is pouring Rachel coffee.

    • Gunther
      Here you go.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Thank you.
    • Gunther
      (In his head) Say Rachel, I was wondering if you'd like to go to a movie with me sometime. As my lover! Nnnsch, to out there. Maybe you'd just like to ah, get something to eat with me sometime? As my lover.
    • Mark
      (entering) Hi!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Hi! All right, let's go shoppin'!!
    • Mark
      Um, y'know, before we go ah, there's something I need to say.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, okay.
    • Mark
      I've kinda of had this ah, this crush on you. (Rachel is shocked) But since you were with Ross, I-I didn't do anything about it. But, now that you're not, I'd really like to ask you out sometime. So-so that's-that's what I'm doing, now.
    • (Gunther gets this hurt expression on his face and goes into the back room)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Wow! Umm....
    • (She's interrupted by a loud crash and the sound of braking dishes. Followed quickly by another crash. Everyone turns and looks at the back room, as Gunther emerges.)
    • Gunther
      I dropped a cup.
    • OPENING CREDITS
    • new scene
    • Scene 2

      The hallway between the two apartments, Pete and Monica are returning from their date.

    • Pete
      ...so y'know, that's why, within a few years, that voice recognition is gonna be pretty much standard on any computer you buy. Y'know, so you could be like-like, 'Wash my car.' 'Clean my room.' It's not gonna be able to do any of those things, but it'll understand what you're saying.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Oh, this is so great.
    • Pete
      Yeah, it was.
    • monica
    • Monica
      All right then. (He leans in to kiss her goodnight, but she quickly kisses him on the cheek and pats his shoulder.) Bye.
    • (She goes into her apartment and sees Chandler, Phoebe, and Ross sitting there.)
    • monica
    • Monica
      Hello, people who do not live here.
    • Everyone
      Hi! Hello!
    • monica
    • Monica
      I gave you a key for emergencies!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      We were out of Doritos.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hey, how'd the date go with Mr. Millionaire?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Mr. Millionaire, new from Snooty Playthings! Third wife sold separately.
    • monica
    • Monica
      He's great! I mean we have such a good time together! He's so funny, and sooo sweet, and I'm not attracted to him at all!!
    • ross
    • Ross
      Still?!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Noo!! It's driving me crazy. I mean every other way he's like the perfect guy, he has everything. Plus! He actually has everything.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Life-sized Imperial Storm Troopers from Sharper Image?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Two.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Wow!! Can Joey and I put them on and fight?
    • joey
    • Joey
      (entering, dancing and singing) Oh mommie, oh daddie, I am a big old baddie! Oh mommie, oh daddie, I am a big old baddie! (He dances around the dinner table and exits)
    • ross
    • Ross
      I guess he musta gotten the part in that play.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yeah, either that, or Gloria Estefan was right, eventually, the rhythm is going to get you.
    • new scene
    • Scene 3

      A Theatre, Joey is arriving to rehearse the play he's in.

    • The Director
      Joe. How's it going?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Good. (He sets his stuff down and starts talking to Kate, another cast member.) Hey.
    • Kate
      Hi.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Oh, so you're playing Adrienne, huh?
    • Kate
      Yes. Are you one of the retarded cousins?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Oh, no. Ah, I playing your husband, Victor. I'm Joey Tribianni.
    • Kate
      Hi, nice to meet you. Kate Miller.
    • (She goes over to the snack table, and Joey quickly runs over and pours her a cup of coffee.)
    • joey
    • Joey
      So the ah, play's pretty great, huh?
    • Kate
      Oh, yeah. I love Jennifer Van Murray's work. She's so brilliantly incisive when it comes to deconstructing the psyche of the American middle class.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Oh, forget about it. She rocks!
    • Kate
      Where do I know you from?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Dr. Drake Remoray. Days of Our Lives. Voted most datable neurosurgeon by Teen Beat.
    • Kate
      No, that's not it. So, you're a soap actor? Well this must be pretty exciting for you to be in a real play, hmm?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey, I've done plays before. I'm a serious actor.
    • Kate
      That info-mercial! For the milk carton spout thing! You're-you're-you're the guy that doesn't know how to pour milk!!
    • joey
    • Joey
      See, I actually can pour milk, but I got you believing that I couldn't. Now, see, that's acting.
    • Kate
      Right, at the end, you choked on a cookie.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah, that was real.
    • new scene
    • Scene 4

      Central Perk, Rachel is telling Phoebe about Mark, as Gunther eavesdrops behind them.

    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Wow! I cannot believe Mark asked you out.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      I know.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      What, so what are you gonna tell him?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Well, I told him I would think about it, but I'm gonna tell him no.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Huh.
    • (Gunther tries to swoop in to ask Rachel out.)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      I mean I think I'd say no to anybody right now. (Hearing this Gunther swoops back to cleaning tables.) Oh, but it was so strange. I mean I'm standing there with this charming, cute guy, who's asking me to go out with him, which I'm allowed to do, and I felt guilty. Y'know, like I'd be cheating on Ross or something.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Wow. So, okay, maybe that means that, you're not over Ross yet and you have issues with your father.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      I don't have any issues with my Father.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Okay, so it's probably just the Ross thing then.
    • new scene
    • Scene 5

      Chandler and Joey's, Joey is telling Chandler about Kate.

    • joey
    • Joey
      I hate this woman!! I hate her! She told everyone in the company about that info-mercial, and now they all keep asking me to open their drinks. Okay, and whenever I can't do it, they're all like-like laughing at me.
    • ross
    • Ross
      (entering) Hello.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey!
    • ross
    • Ross
      So Rachel called. Wants to see me. Going over in a minute.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Wow, what-what do you think she wants?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Well, maybe the crazy fog has lifted and she realises that life without me.... a-sucks.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      It's possible. You are very loveable, I'd miss you if I broke up with you. (Ross glares at him) I was just trying to be supportive.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Then be supportive like a guy.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (in a deep voice) If I broke up with you, I'd miss you.
    • new scene
    • Scene 6

      Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is there as Ross enters, walking very confidently.

    • ross
    • Ross
      Hi.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Hi!
    • ross
    • Ross
      You ah, wanted to see me?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah. Ahh, here's a box of your stuff. (hands him a box)
    • ross
    • Ross
      What?!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, y'know, it's just like hats, and a shirt, and CD's, just sort of stuff that you've left here.
    • ross
    • Ross
      What are you doing? Are you trying to hurt me? Or something?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      No. Ross, it, it just seems that y'know it's time we-we y'know, move on. I mean, I mean don't' you think?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Yes.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Yes, I do.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Good.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Yeah, I-I really do. (takes a dinosaur mug out of the box) Hey! This-this was a gift?!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ross, you got that for free from the museum gift shop.
    • ross
    • Ross
      It's still a gift! I got it from the gift shop!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Okay, all right, give me the mug! I'll keep the mug.
    • ross
    • Ross
      No!! Y'know-y'know don't do me any favours. In fact, where, where's the rest of my stuff?! Huh? Like-like my umm, (picks up a book) Hey, this book is mine!! And-and-and, and that T-shirt you sleep in? I'd like that back too. Yes, I do.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      You know how much I love that T-shirt! You never even where that T-shirt!
    • ross
    • Ross
      I'm just trying to help you, move on.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, you are a petty man. You are a petty, petty....
    • ross
    • Ross
      Petty...
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Petty... (goes into her room)
    • ross
    • Ross
      Petty...
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Petty...
    • ross
    • Ross
      Petty...
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Small...
    • ross
    • Ross
      Small... (Rachel comes back into the living room and catches Ross mocking her.)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      You are so just doing this out of spite.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Awwwahuh, no, no, no!!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Huh?
    • ross
    • Ross
      I'm-I'm gonna wear this all the time! I love this shirt!! (he kisses the shirt)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      You have not worn that T-shirt since you were 15!! It doesn't even fit you anymore!
    • ross
    • Ross
      Oh, yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah...
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      (imitating him) yeah-yeah-yeah!!
    • ross
    • Ross
      Oh-oh, okay, okay! (He quickly takes off his sweater in order to put on the T-shirt. It's an old 'Frankie says relax' T-shirt, that barely fits him. Rachel nods her head in approval of the new look.) If you don't mind I'm gonna the rest of my stuff, and relax, in my favourite shirt. (Starts to leave) You have a pleasant evening. (He exits and leaves the door open.)
    • new scene
    • Scene 7

      Central Perk, the gang minus Rachel and Ross are talking to Pete.

    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      So, you're like a zillionaire? (Pete smiles and nods)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      And you're our age. You're our age.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Y'know what, you should like, you should buy a state and then just name it after yourself.
    • Pete
      What like Pete Dakota?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Yeah, or, or, or, Mississ-Pete.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Oh, oh, I got it! Pete-Chicago.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      That's not a state Joe.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Oh, and Mississ-Pete is?
    • Pete
      I got to go, so ah, I'll see you guys later.
    • Everyone
      Okay.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      You're our age!
    • Pete
      (to Monica, by the door) So ah, we on for tomorrow?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Absolutely! (He goes to kiss her, but she stops him and rubs his head and says...) Now get out of here you!! (Pete leaves) (to the gang) Okay, I'm running out of places I can touch him! Look, is there something wrong with me? I mean why am I only attracted to guys where there's no future? Either they're too old, or they're too young, and then there's Pete who's-who's crazy about me, and who's absolutely perfect for me, and there's like zip going on! I mean, seriously, does it sound like something's wrong with me?!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Yeah, kinda.
    • new scene
    • Scene 8

      The Theatre, Joey and Kate are rehearsing for the play.

    • Kate
      Happy?! Is that what I'm supposed to be Vic? Happy?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Well, why don't you tell me what you're supposed to be! Huh? Because I sure as hell can't figure it out! I talk to you and nothin'. You look at me, and it's nothin'. (He kisses her) Nothing.
    • The Director
      Tasty! I'm really starting to feel like you guys have a history, it's-it's nice.
    • Kate
      I have a question about this scene.
    • The Director
      Yes?
    • Kate
      Well, I don't understand why Adrienne's attracted to Victor.
    • The Director
      Peel the onion. First of all, he's good looking.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah.
    • Kate
      I think my character's gonna need a little bit more of reason than that.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Oh, hey, how about this one. Ah, it's says so in the script! Y'know ah, I-I don't know why my character likes you either, I mean it says in the script here that you're a bitch.
    • Kate
      It doesn't say that in the script.
    • joey
    • Joey
      It does in mine!
    • new scene
    • Scene 9

      The Hallway, Chandler and Ross are returning from working out.

    • chandler
    • Chandler
      I can blow dry it. I can put gel on it. It doesn't matter, I still wind up with this little (pats the flat spot on the back of his head) cowlicky thing on the middle part of my head. It's so annoying. Does it bug you?
    • ross
    • Ross
      You bug me.
    • [Rachel comes out of her apartment, followed by Mark, and they leave on their date, without saying a word to Ross. Ross is stunned.]
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Is there any chance you didn't see that?
    • COMMERCIAL BREAK
    • new scene
    • Scene 10

      Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is watching a basketball game, Ross is staring out the peephole.

    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Ross! You gotta stop! Okay?! You can't just stare through the peep hole for three hours! You're gonna get peep eye!
    • ross
    • Ross
      I knew it! I knew it! I always knew she liked him! Y'know, she'd say no, but here we are! Right? We just broke up, first thing she does!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      You didn't just break up.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hey, it's been like three weeks!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      You slept with somebody three hours after you thought you broke up. I mean bullets have left guns slower!
    • ross
    • Ross
      Here they come, here they come. Oh-ho, if she kisses him goodnight, I'm gonna kill myself, I swear. I can't, I can't watch this. (turns away, then quickly turns to look again) Come on, date over! Date over! Uh-oh, here we go, she's going in.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Okay.
    • ross
    • Ross
      She's going in. Wait! He's going in! He's going in!! The door's closed! I, I can't see anything but the door closed!!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      And the inventor of the door rests happily in his grave.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Okay, I have to do something. I mean, I have, I have to stop it!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Stop what?!
    • ross
    • Ross
      I don't know, but I ah, I have the feeling that my being there will do it. I'll go over and I will borrow something. Juice!! I need juice!!
    • (He starts to exit, but Chandler tries to stop him by climbing on his back and grabbing hold of the foosball table.)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      No!! You can't!!
    • ross
    • Ross
      Look, they must be stopped!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      I am your friend, and I am not gonna let you do this!! (Ross is now dragging Chandler and the foosball table to the door) You are surprisingly strong!
    • ross
    • Ross
      I need juice! People need juice!!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Look man!
    • ross
    • Ross
      People need juice!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Listen to me!! (Chandler turns him around and closes and holds the door shut with his feet.)
    • ross
    • Ross
      Juice, I need...
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      She's moving on! Okay, if it's not this guy, it's gonna be somebody else! And unless you're thinking about subletting my peep hole, you are going to have to get used to the fact that the relationship is over! Okay, man? It's over.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Yeah, okay.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Okay.
    • ross
    • Ross
      It's just I miss her so much.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      I know. (He rubs Ross's head)
    • new scene
    • Scene 11

      Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is pouring Mark some coffee.

    • Mark
      Why do all you're coffee mugs have numbers on the bottom?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh. That's so Monica can keep track. That way if one on them is missing, she can be like, 'Where's number 27?!'
    • (She sits down, and Mark leans over and kisses her. Rachel doesn't react. He tries it again, and Rachel jumps back quickly.)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Y'know what?
    • Mark
      No. And I don't think I'm gonna want to.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      I can't do this.
    • Mark
      Yep. Yep, that's what I didn't want to know.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Well, oh, Mark, I'm doing this for the wrong reasons, y'know? I'm just doing it to get back at Ross. I'm sorry, it's not very fair to you.
    • Mark
      Ahh! Fair, schmair! Y'know? Look, if you want to get back at Ross, I am here for you. Really? No-no, I say-I say, I say we get back at him right on this couch. Right here!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh God. I'm sorry about this.
    • Mark
      That's okay.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      You sure?
    • Mark
      Yeah. I can just go home and get back at him by myself.
    • new scene
    • Scene 12

      A Hospital Reception, Monica and Pete are there.

    • Spokeswoman
      ...has become the penicillin of the twenty-first century. And so today, this hospital is about to take major steps toward leading that revolution. It is truly ironic, on one hand consider the size...
    • Pete
      (to Monica) Hey, can I ask you something?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Sure.
    • Pete
      Where are we?
    • monica
    • Monica
      (looks around) Well, with all these doctors and nurses, I'm gonna say, midget rodeo.
    • Pete
      Just tell me the truth.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Okay. Umm, y'know, I don't think, I don't think I told you this, but umm, I just got out of a really serious relationship.
    • Pete
      Oh, yeah. Wasn't that like a year ago?
    • monica
    • Monica
      So I did tell you. Okay, y'know, that really isn't the thing. Umm, the thing is that, right now I'm just in a place in my life where I need to focus on me. Y'know what I mean?
    • Pete
      Oh, yeah. I know that.
    • monica
    • Monica
      I so wanna be attracted to you.
    • Pete
      But you're not. Okay, good.
    • monica
    • Monica
      I'm sorry.
    • Pete
      Y'know what, don't be. This is not, don't be, 'cause it's not so bad.
    • monica
    • Monica
      It's not?
    • Pete
      I know I'm no John Bon Jovi, (Monica laughs) or someone who find attractive, I'm just, I think, y'know, that you might end up feeling differently.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Well, um, look I-I don't want this to come our wrong, but ah, you seem awfully confident for a guy I just told I wasn't attracted too.
    • Pete
      Yeah, stupidly charming isn't' it? Well listen let's, you wanna get something to eat? 'Cause this place is kinda depressing. (they start to leave)
    • Spokeswoman
      And the man who made all this possible... Mr. Peter Becker.
    • Pete
      (to Monica) One second.
    • (He takes the scissors, cuts the ribbon, shakes her hand, posses for the picture, and leaves.)
    • new scene
    • Scene 13

      Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is sitting in one of the black chairs, and turns to face the other one.

    • chandler
    • Chandler
      I don't think this town is big enough for both of us to relax in. (He blows on his hand) Draw!! (He quickly pulls the lever to raise the foot rest, like a gunfighter in a Western.)
    • (Joey enters.)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (to Joey) I wasn't doing anything. (Joey starts angrily throwing his stuff down.) Uh-oh, what did she do now?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Just because she went to Yale drama, she thinks she's like the greatest actress since, since, sliced bread!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Ah, Sliced Bread, a wonderful Lady MacBeth.
    • joey
    • Joey
      God, I just, I hate her! I hate her!! With her, 'Oh, I'm so talented.' and 'Oh, I'm so pretty,' and 'Ooh, I smell so good.'
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      I think somebody has a crush on somebody.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey, Chandler, can we please stay focused on my problem here?! Y'know?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      I'm talking about you. You big, big freak.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Oh. (realises) Ohh. Ohh, you're out of your mind.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Hey, you have nothing but talk about her for the last 48 hours! If you were in a school yard you'd be pulling her pigtails and pushing her down now!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Oh, yeah?! Then how come I keep thinking about her in all these sexual scenarios and stuff huh?!
    • new scene
    • Scene 14

      The Theatre, Kate and Joey are rehearsing the same scene as before.

    • Kate
      Happy?! Is that what I'm supposed to be Vic? Happy?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Well, why don't you tell me what you're supposed to be! Huh? Because I sure as hell can't figure it out! I talk to you and it's nothin'. You look at me, and nothin'. (He kisses her, more passionately this time) Nothing.
    • The Director
      You guys make me fly! High! Okay, we're gonna pick it up here, tomorrow.
    • Kate
      Well, that was ah...
    • joey
    • Joey
      Better?
    • Kate
      Yeah! Yeah, it was definitely an improvement. G'night.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Ah, Kate?
    • Kate
      Yeah?
    • joey
    • Joey
      You ah, you forgot your shoes.
    • Kate
      (she giggles) I'm probably gonna need those. Huh? (she giggles some more)
    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey, listen you ah....
    • Kate
      Hmm?
    • joey
    • Joey
      ...feel like getting a cup of coffee?
    • Kate
      Umm.
    • The Director
      (leaning in) Kate?
    • Kate
      Yep.
    • The Director
      You ready to go?
    • Kate
      Yeah.
    • The Director
      (to Joey) Very nice. Very nice. (he walks away)
    • Kate
      So umm, I'll see you tomorrow, huh?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah, yeah sure, goodnight.
    • new scene
    • Scene 15

      Monica and Rachel's, Monica is in the kitchen chopping vegetables. Chandler and Phoebe are sitting in the living room.

    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      (to Chandler) Hey! (Chandler looks up, startled) Why isn't it Spiderman? Y'know like Goldman, Silverman...
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      'Cause it's-it's not his last name.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      It isn't?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      No, it's not like, like Phil Spiderman. He's a spider, man. Y'know like ah, like Goldman is a last name, but there's no Gold Man.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh, okay. There should be Gold Man!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      (entering) Hey!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Hey, Rach, how was work?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, great. Although I did sit down where there wasn't a chair.
    • monica
    • Monica
      By the way, Ross dropped by a box of your stuff.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, well, I guess I had that one coming. I'm just gonna throw it out, it's probably just a bunch of shampoo and... (she opens the box and stops)
    • monica
    • Monica
      Something wrong?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      (She takes the T-shirt out of the box and holds it to her chest and take a deep breath.) No. Nothing. (She smiles and goes into her room.)
    • CLOSING CREDITS
    • new scene
    • Scene 16

      Chandler and Joey's, Phoebe and Chandler are sitting in the black chairs.

    • chandler
    • Chandler
      So, ahh, what kind of powers would Gold Man have?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Okay well, he would turn things to gold.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      What about things that are already gold?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Ahh, his work is done.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Okay, let's play my game now.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Okay. All right you yellow-bellied-lilly-livered-DRAW!! (they both kick up the foot rests like an old fashioned gun fight.)
    • END