A touch football game reignites Monica and Ross's sibling rivalry, delaying Thanksgiving dinner.
6 Scenes338 Lines
Scene 1
Monica and Rachel's, the whole gang is there, the guys are watching football, the girls are cooking Thanksgiving dinner.
8 lines
The Guys
(reacting to a play) Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Awww!
Phoebe
Hey, it's your Thanksgiving too, y'know, instead of watching football, you could help.
The Guys
We will. (they don't move)
Monica
Okay, Rachel, you wanna put the marshmellows in concentric circles.
Rachel
No Mon, you want to put them in concentric circles. I want to do this.
(Rachel sticks a marshmellow into Monica's nose. Monica takes it out of her nose by closing one nostril, and blowing.)
Monica
Every year.
OPENING CREDITS
Scene 2
Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.
36 lines
Phoebe
Y'know, for once, I am going to sit down and try to watch one of these things. (just as she sits down).
Ross
Halftime.
Joey
Hey, who wants to ah, throw the ball around a little, maybe get a little three on three going?
Rachel
Oh! That would be sooo much fun!
Phoebe
Oh, can I play too? I've never played football, like ever.
Joey
Great, you can cover Chandler.
Chandler
No, no, no, I don't, I don't really wanna play.
Joey
Come on man! You never want to do anything since you and Janice broke up.
Chandler
That's not true! I wanted to wear my bathrobe and eat peanut clusters all day. I wanted to start drinking in the morning. Don't say that I don't have goals!
Joey
Chandler, you have to start getting over her. All right, if you play, you get some fresh air, maybe it'll take your mind off Janice, and if you don't play, everyone will be mad at you 'cause the teams won't be even. Come on.
Chandler
Yeah, all right, I'll play.
Phoebe
Yay!!
Rachel
Let's do it! Ross?
Ross
What?
Rachel
Do you wanna play football?
Ross
Um, Monica and I aren't supposed to play football.
Joey
Says who? Your mom?
Ross
Yeah.
Monica
Well, every, every Thanksgiving um, we used to have a touch football game called the 'Geller Bowl.'
Chandler
No, no, no, you say that proudly.
Monica
Anyway, Ross and I were always captains, and um, it got kind've competitive and one year, Geller Bowl VI, I accidentally broke Ross's nose.
Ross
It was soo not an accident. She saw I was about to tag her, so she threw her big fat grandma arm elbow right into my face. And just keep running.
Monica
To score the winning touchdown, by the way.
Ross
Whoa, whoa, whoa, ho, ho, ho, you did not win the game, the touchdown didn't count, because of the spectacularly illegal, oh and by the way savage nose breaking.
Monica
(to Chandler and Joey) I won the game.
Ross
Oh yeah! Then how come you didn't get the Geller Cup?
Rachel
Um, there was a Geller Cup?
Ross
Yes, it was the trophy you got if you won the game. But our Dad said, 'nobody won that game, ' and he was sick of our fighting, so he took the trophy and.... (pauses to collect himself, as he is on the verge of tears saying this) threw it in the lake.
Chandler
And was the curse lifted?
Ross
Anyway. That's when our Mom said we were not to play football ever again.
Monica
Y'know what, I think we should play a game. I mean come on, it's been twelve years.
Ross
Can I see you for a second?
(they walk over to the sink and discuss it for a moment)
Monica
(shouting) Once!!
Ross
All right, we're gonna play.
Chandler
But wait a minute though, how are we gonna get there, though, because my Mom won't let me cross the street.
Scene 3
The Park, the gang is warming up for their football game.
157 lines
Monica
Okay. Let's bring it in.
Rachel
Wait no, honey, honey throw it to me, throw it to me.
Ross
Here you go. (throws her the ball)
Rachel
(knocking it down instead of catching it) That almost hit me in the face.
Joey
All right, we have to pick captains.
Chandler
And then Tineals.
Phoebe
Okay, so how do we decide that?
Monica
Well, why don't we just bunny up.
Joey
What?
Ross
(holding both of their hands above their heads making rabbit ears with their fingers.) Bunny!
Monica
Okay, looks like Ross and I are captains. Okay, so um, I bunnied first so that means I get to pick first. Joey.
Joey
Thank you.
Rachel
Monica, I'm your best friend.
Ross
Sweetie, don't worry you'll get picked. Chandler.
Rachel
Ross!
Monica
Phoebe.
(Phoebe kisses Rachel on the cheek, then joins her team.)
Ross
Sweetie, now I pick you.
Rachel
You don't pick me! You're stuck with me!
Ross
Okay. All right. So let's see, let's play from the trash can, to the lightpost. Right. Two hand touch, we'll kick off.
Monica
All right people listen, I've got exactly twenty-eight minutes before I have to baste again.
Chandler
Wow! Just like in the pros.
Monica
Huddle up.
Joey
(to his team) All right, huddle up, right over here.
Phoebe
Wait for me! Wait for me! Wait for me! Oh cool, this is my first huddle.
Monica
Okay.
Phoebe
Okay, so what do you guys really think of Chandler?
Monica
Okay, Phoebe you know what you're doing right?
Phoebe
Yeah.
Monica
Okay, Joey's gonna catch it, and you and I are gonna block.
Phoebe
What's block?
Monica
Phoebe, I thought you said you know what you're doing?
Phoebe
I thought you meant in life.
Monica
Break.
(Chandler is getting ready to kick off, Ross is holding the ball between his foot and finger.)
Chandler
The ball is Janice. The ball is Janice. (goes to kick the ball but kicks Ross's foot instead.)
Ross
Oww!! Son of a...!! Ow! Come on!
Chandler
Sorry. I'm sorry. Y'know what, we're just gonna throw it.
(Chandler throws the ball to kick-off.)
Joey
I got it. (catches the ball)
Phoebe
Go! Go! Go!
(Joey runs up field and fakes out Ross and scores a touchdown. His team all celebrates the touchdown.)
Monica
Score!! 7 to nothing!
Rachel
(coming over to Ross, who is just getting up) Are you okay?
Ross
Come on, let's go!
Monica
Losers walk!
Ross
Yeah, losers talk!
Chandler
No, no, no, actually losers rhyme.
[cut to later, Ross's team has the ball.]
Chandler
(coming up under center, just like a real quarterback does, and puts his hands between Ross's legs.) Twenty-three!! Seventy-four!! (Ross stands up and looks at him) You wanna go shotgun?
(Monica throws the ball over Joey's head, it's stopped from rolling away by a very beautiful woman.)
Joey
Haaaaa! Hey-hey, thanks for stopping our ball.
Woman
(in a foreign accent) You are playing American football?
Joey
Yeah! Wow, your like from a whole other country.
Woman
I'm Dutch.
Joey
Hi-hi, I'm Joey.
Woman
I'm Margha.
Joey
I'm sorry Dutch, I didn't get that last little bit.
Chandler
(running up) Hey Joey, do you wanna play football or you wanna.. (sees Marhan) Hi, I'm Chandler.
Margha
Hello, Chandler.
Joey
Her name is Dutch, and also Marklan.
Margha
Margha.
Joey
Mar-klan.
Margha
Mar-gha.
Chandler
Mar-haaaan.
[cut to Ross and Monica.]
Monica
Come on guys! Let's go! Come on, it's second down.
Ross
Uh, hello, it's third down.
Monica
No it's not, it's second.
Ross
Wow!
Monica
Wow, what?
Ross
It just amazes me that your still pulling stuff like this.
Monica
Pulling what? It's second down.
Ross
Okay, it's second down. (turns away) Take all the second downs you need.
Monica
I heard that!
Ross
Well, I said it loud.
[cut to Chandler, Joey, and Margha.]
Margha
It is okay, if I stay and watch?
Joey
Yeah! Why don't you stick around. You can sit right there.
(she goes and sits down)
Chandler
Well, that went well.
Joey
I think so.
Chandler
Y'know, I was thinking about ah, asking her for her number.
Joey
Thanks man, but I think it makes a stronger statement if I ask for it myself, y'know.
Chandler
Whoa-ho, whoa! No, I was thinking about y'know for me, as a part of that whole getting over Janice thing you were talking about.
Joey
Oh, yeah, that. All right, means that much to ya, I'll let you have her.
Chandler
Thanks. What, let me have her?! What do mean? Like if you didn't I wouldn't have a shot?
Joey
Well I don't like to say it out loud, but, yeah! Don't feel bad man, we all have our strengths. You're better with numbers and stuff.
Chandler
Math!! You're giving me math! All right, look y'know what, forget about it, you go for the girl, we'll see who gets her.
[cut to later, in Ross's huddle.]
Ross
Chandler, I want you to run a post pattern to the left, okay. And sweetie..
Rachel
Yeah, I know, go long. Y'know, it's like all I'm doing is running back and forth from the huddle.
Ross
Well ah, you wanna just stay out there?
Rachel
Can I see that for second.
Ross
Yeah.
(Rachel takes the ball from his hands and bounces it off of Ross's forehead and Chandler catches the rebound.)
Ross
Okay. Hut! Hike!
(Chandler runs around behind Ross, who pitches him the ball. Chandler runs upfield, and Joey knocks the ball out of his hands.)
Joey
Fumble!
(Joey starts to return the fumble and Chandler grabs Joey's shirt and rips it off of his back.)
Joey
What the hell's the matter with you?! This is my favourite jersey.
Chandler
Well now you have two. Hey, I am good at math.
Joey
All right, that's it. Y'know I was still gonna let you have her. But now, forget about it. Prepare to feel very bad about yourself.
Chandler
Hey! Well, I've been preparing for that my entire life! Or something about you that's mean!
Monica
All right, come on guys, let's go! Tie score, and we're runnin' out of time. Forty-two!! Thirty-eight!! Hike! (the timer sounds as Monica throws the ball to Phoebe.)
Phoebe
Oh I got it!! (catches the ball) Oh! Ew! Broken boob! Ow!
Joey
Pheebs, run!
Monica
Run, Phoebe, run!
(Phoebe runs and scores a touchdown.)
Phoebe
Touchdown!! Touchdown!!
Ross
Uh, hello, the buzzer buzzed. It doesn't count.
Monica
After the snap!
Ross
Before the snap!
Joey
After!!
Chandler
Before!!
Rachel
Now, does it really matter?
Everyone
Yes!!
Phoebe
Well, okay, I made a touchdown. It was my first touchdown. So?
Ross
Oh Pheebs, that's great. It doesn't count.
Monica
Does so count!
Ross
Cheater, cheater, compulsive eater.
Phoebe
Oh my God!
Monica
Y'know what, that's fine, maybe you haven't grown up, but I have.
Ross
Oh-ho, okay.
Monica
Dead leg!! (kicks him in the thigh.)
Ross
Ow! Ow! Okay, okay, fine, fine! All right, you wanna win by cheating, go ahead, all right. Phoebe the touchdown does count, you win.
Phoebe
Woo-yay!!
Monica
No! Listen, I'm not gonna go through this with you again, okay. Just once I wanna beat when you can't blame it on the broken nose, the buzzer, or the fact that you thought you were getting mono. Let's just call this, tie score and it's halftime.
Ross
Okay, first of all, I don't play with cheaters, and second of all, you know I had swollen glands!!
Monica
Y'know what? I'll think you'll play.
Ross
Oh really! Why is that?
[cut to Monica and Rachel's.]
Monica
Because the winner gets this!
Ross
The Geller Cup.
Chandler
Is everybody else seeing a troll doll nailed to a two by four?
Everyone
Yeah.
Chandler
Okay, good.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Scene 4
The park, the gang is returning to play the second half of the game.
120 lines
Ross
Okay, where in the hell did you get that?!
Monica
When Mom and Dad drove you to the hospital to get your nose fixed, I swam into the lake and fished it out.
Ross
That cup is mine!
Monica
No it's not! You want it, you're gonna have to win it!
Rachel
All right, so are we not having dinner at all?
Monica
Come on Phoebe, let's go! Come on, it's time to get serious, huddle up. Joey, keep your head in the game.
Joey
It's hard, y'know, his huddle is closer to Dutch girl.
Monica
All right look, if I take Chandler out of the running will you be able to focus?
Joey
What are you gonna do?
Monica
All right, you just make sure that Chandler catches the ball, I'll take care of the rest.
Joey
Okay.
Monica
Break!
Joey
Here you go!
(Joey throws the ball to Chandler)
Ross
Chandler! Chandler!
(Chandler catches the ball and starts to run upfield.)
Chandler
(to Margha) Hi.
(just as he gets in front of Margha, Monica comes up and tackles him)
Monica
Whoa! Whoa!! Tackled by a girl! Bet ya don't see that everyday, do ya?
Ross
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What's with the tackling?
Monica
What?! I just touched him and he went over.
Ross
Okay, you wanna play rough, we can play rough.
(They both stare each other down as we hear 'Let's get ready to r-r-r-rum-ble!!!')
(A long football sequence follows.)
[sequence 1
Monica throws the ball over Chandler's head to Joey who catches it for a touchdown, and starts to dance in celebration. Chandler then tackles him, and he starts to dance in celebration.]
[sequence 2
Monica runs upfield and stops, waiting for a pass. Ross runs over and pulls her pants down, steps in front of her and intercepts the pass.]
[sequence 3
Chandler throws a pass to Ross, who catches it. Phoebe starts screaming and runs up to him and tries to tackle him. But all she ends up doing is running around his waist and screaming.]
[sequence 4
Ross hikes the ball to Chandler, and the camera pans down to show Rachel standing deep in the end zone, playing with her gum. Something hits her on the head and she looks up to see where it came from.]
[sequence 5
Monica hands the ball off to Phoebe, who runs up field and delivers a fore-arm shiver to Chandler, knocking him over and scores the touchdown, and she yells...]
Phoebe
I love this game!!
[cut to Ross who walks up to Rachel who is eating a baked pretzel.]
Ross
Hey, where'd you get that?
Rachel
I went really long.
Monica
Forty-two to twenty-one! Like the turkey, Ross is done!
Ross
It's no surprise that your winning, 'cause you got to pick first, so you got the better team.
Monica
You're so pathetic! Why can't you just accept it, we're winning because I'm better than you.
(Ross makes a 'Yeah. Right.' sound.)
Monica
Oh, what a great argument, exhaling! All right, y'know what, I'll prove it to you, okay. I'll trade you Joey for Rachel, and I'll still win the game.
Ross
What?! The guys against the girls? See, that's ridiculous Monica, because I'm only down by three touchdowns.
Monica
Oh, then bring it on! Oh, unless of course your afraid you might lose to a bunch of girls.
Ross
Fine, fine, Rachel your with Monica, Joey you're with me.
Rachel
I can not believe your trading me!!
Monica
Come on Rach, come on. Let's see what's it like to be on a winning team for a change.
Rachel
Are you gonna let me play?
Monica
All right then.
[cut to the guys' team.]
Margha
(coming over) The game is over, we eat now?
Chandler
No-no-no-no, the game's not over, we're just switching teams.
Joey
Yeah, Chandler finds me so intimdating that it's better if we're on the same team.
Ross
Right. Okay, let's play. Let's go.
Chandler
No ah, hold on a second Joe, where do Dutch people come from?
Joey
Ah well, the ah, Pennsylvania Dutch, come from Pennsylvania.
Chandler
And the other ah, Dutch people, they come on from somewhere near the Netherlands, right?
Joey
Nice try. (to Margha) See the Netherlands is this make believe place where Peter Pan and Tinker Bell come from.
Margha
Oh, my.
Ross
Enough with geography for the insane, okay? Let's play some ball, guys.
Joey
Whoa, whoa, no, no, I-I'm not playing with this guy, now.
Chandler
Fine with me.
Ross
Okay, y'know what, let's just cut to the chase here. Okay? Heidi, which of my boys do you like?
Joey
What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing?
Margha
Which do I like?
Ross
Yeah, y'know for dating, general merriment, taking back to your windmill...
Margha
Well, if I had to chose right now, which by the way I find really weird, I would have to say, Chandler.
Chandler
Yes!!
Joey
Wait a minute! Wait a minute! She obviously didn't understand the question.
Chandler
Well, you don't you have Captain Hook explain it to her.
Margha
I'm sorry, Joey, that is my chose.
Chandler
You hear that! That is her chose, mister I'll let you have her! I win! You suck! I rule all! A mini-wave in celebration of me!! (does the wave.)
Margha
I'm now thinking I would like to change my answer to, no one.
Chandler
Wh-what?
Margha
I now find you shallow and um, a dork. All right, bye.
Joey
Nice going. You just saved yourself a couple months of sex.
Chandler
Y'know what, it doesn't matter, 'cause she picked me. Me! From now on I get the dates and you have to stay home on Saturday nights watching Ready, Set, Cook!
Ross
Save the breakthroughs for therapy, okay. The clock is ticking. We have no time, and we are losing, we are losing to girls.
Chandler
We're not gonna lose to girls.
Ross
Hey! It's 42-21!
Joey
This sucks, I was just up by that much!
Monica
Are we playing football or what? Come on you hairy-backed Marries.
[cut to the girls huddle.]
Monica
We have to do this. We are playing for women everywhere. Okay, just think about every lousy date that you ever had, okay, every guy who kept on the TV while you're making out...
Phoebe
Oh my God! You dated someone with a glass eye too?!
Monica
Come on, okay, come on this is for all womankind. Let's kill 'um!
Rachel
Yeah!!! Kill 'um!!!
Phoebe
All right, no, well I want to kill them to, but their boys, y'know how are we gonna beat three boys?
(Another football sequence follows)
[sequence 1
Chandler is running past Phoebe with the ball, Phoebe flashes him, he stops and stares dumbfounded at her. Phoebe then runs up and takes the ball away.]
[sequence 2
Phoebe throws the ball, and it's intercepted by Joey, who starts to run up field. Rachel jumps on his back in order to try and tackle him, but she doesn't slow him down. Monica and Phoebe then both grab her legs in order to stop Joey, who still manages to fight through the tackle and score the touchdown.]
[sequence 3
Chandler is running with the ball, Phoebe flashes him again, but Chandler covers his eyes, and keeps running. He then runs into a tree at the end of the field.]
[cut to the girls huddle]
Monica
All right, we still have a minute and a half to go, and we're down by two points. Two points.... (she gets interrupted by the guys, who are doing a slow-motion high five.) Phoebe you do a button-hook again. Rachel, you go long.
Rachel
No! Come on! Don't make me go long. Use me. They never cover me.
Monica
Honey, there's a reason.
Rachel
God, I'm not lame, okay. I can do something. I can throw, would you let me throw, come on this is my game too.
Phoebe
Come on Mon, let her throw the ball.
Monica
All right Rachel, you sweep behind, I'll pitch it to you, you throw it down field to Phoebe. All right. Break.
Rachel
Thank you! Break!
Monica
Thirty-two! Seventy-one! Hike!
(Phoebe snaps the ball to Monica, who pitches back to Rachel.)
(They all rush toward Rachel, who panics and runs away. She runs out of the park and up along the fence, she then comes back into the park and runs past Monica, as she gets to Monica, she throws the ball at Monica, and it hits her in the eye.)
Rachel
I'm so sorry! Are you okay?
Monica
No! I'm not okay!
Rachel
I'm sorry, they were just all coming at me, and I didn't know what to do.
Joey
(looking at the timer) Thirty seconds left on the timer!
Chandler
Okay, okay, so we get to take that stupid troll thing home!
Monica
Come on! Come on! Hurry! We're running out of time! Huddle up!
Phoebe
Okay. Oooh! Oh, this is our last huddle, yeah.
Monica
All right, Phoebe get open. Rachel, go long.
Rachel
(on the verge of tears) Okay.
Monica
Break!
(In slow motion, Phoebe snaps the ball, Rachel goes long. Joey and Chandler and all over Phoebe, leaving Rachel wide open. Ross starts to rush Monica, who sees Phoebe is double covered, in desperation she throws to Rachel. We see flying through the air, and then Rachel running underneath it, then the ball, then Rachel again, then the ball, then Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey staring at it in shock. Then with the grace of Jerry Rice (no offense to Jerry Rice), Rachel catches the ball, and she stops and spikes the ball. Both Phoebe and Monica erupt in celebration.)
Rachel
(in triumph) I got a touchdown! We did it!!
Chandler
Hey-hey-hey Rachel, funny thing. Actually, the ah, end zone starts at that pole, so you're five feet short, so we win!
Phoebe
Wait-wait-wait-wait! So, explain something to me though, if, if nobody tagged Rachel, then isn't the play still going.
(they all start to dive for the ball and Monica and Ross grab it at the same time.)
Ross
Let go! Let go!
Monica
Let go! I'm a tiny little woman!!
Chandler
Guys! Guys! Come on! It's Thanksgiving, it's not important who wins or loses. The important thing is, (to Joey) the Dutch girl picked me! Me! Not you! Holland loves Chandler! Thank you, Amsterdam! Good night!!
Monica
Ow!!
CLOSING CREDITS
Scene 5
Monica and Rachel's, Rachel, Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey are eating Thanksgiving dinner.
6 lines
Rachel
We should defiantly play football more often. Maybe there's a like league we could join or something.
Phoebe
Isn't there a national football league.
Chandler
Yes. Yes, there is, they play on Sundays and Monday nights.
Rachel
Oh shoot! I work Monday nights.
Phoebe
Umm, this stuffing is amazing. Do you think we should bring them some?
Joey
When they're hungry enough, they'll come in.
Scene 6
The park, it's dark outside and Monica and Ross are still fighting over the ball.
11 lines
Monica
Let go!
Ross
No! You let go!
Monica
No!
Ross
How come it's always us left in the field holding the ball?
Monica
I don't know. I guess the other people just don't care enough.
(It starts snowing.)
Ross
Hey! It's starting to snow.
(They both look up, and watch it start to snow. Then they both start fighting for the ball again.)
