Monica inherits an antique dollhouse but won't let Phoebe play with it. Rachel regrets pairing Chandler with her boss, Joanna.
15 Scenes289 Lines
Scene 1
Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Joey are there.
23 lines
Chandler
Wait a minute, wait. You're telling me this actress person is the only woman you ever wanted who didn't want you back?!
Joey
Yeah! Oh my God! (to Chandler) Is this what it's like to be you?
Monica
Wow, you're really crazy about her, huh?
Joey
Oh, you have no idea. And-and when we're on stage I get to-to kiss her and-and touch her, but then she goes home with the director, and it's like somebody's ripping out my heart!
Phoebe
Oh, it's so great to see you feeling like this!
Ross
(entering) Hey!
Everyone
Hey!
Ross
Monica, uh Dad called this morning and ah, Aunt Silvia passed away.
Monica
Yes!! Yes! Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Ross
We were all pretty shaken up about it.
Phoebe
Wait, am I missing something though? 'Cause I thought death was something that's supposed to be sad, in a way.
Ross
Well ah, Aunt Silvia was, well not a nice person.
Monica
Oh, she was a cruel, cranky, old bitch! (Ross gives her a look) (to Ross) And I'm sorry she died. Did Dad say I get the dollhouse?
Ross
You get the dollhouse.
Monica
I get the dollhouse!
Phoebe
Wow, a house for dolls, that is so cool! When I was kid, I had a barrel.
Joey
Uh, Pheebs, you had a barrel for a dollhouse?
Phoebe
No, just a barrel.
Monica
Y'know what, you can play with my dollhouse.
Phoebe
Really?! Really?!
Monica
Any time you want. Y'know, when I was younger, all I wanted to do was to play with this dollhouse, but no!! It was to be looked at, but never played with.
Chandler
My Grandmother used to say that exact same thing to me.
OPENING CREDITS
Scene 2
Rachel's office, Chandler and her are coming back from lunch.
26 lines
Rachel
Hey, Sophie!
Sophie
Hey, Rach!
Chandler
Hey.
Sophie
Hey.
Rachel
Thanks for lunch, Chandler. Y'know, you didn't have to walk me all the way back up here.
Chandler
Oh, that's-that's okay, no problem. (He starts to look around her office.)
Rachel
Honey um, honey, you do realise that we don't keep the women's lingerie here in the office?
Chandler
Yes, I realise that.
Rachel
Summer catalogue! (hands him the catalogue)
Chandler
That's the stuff! (quickly grabs it)
[Rachel's boss, Joanna, enters]
Joanna
Rachel, I need the Versachi invoice. (to Chandler) Hello! You don't work for me.
Rachel
(introduces them) Joanna, this is my friend Chandler Bing (to Chandler) Joanna.
Joanna
Bing! That's a great name.
Chandler
Thanks, it's ah, Gaelic, for 'Thy turkey's done.' So ah, I'm gonna go, nice, nice meeting you.
Joanna
Me too.
Rachel
Bye, Chandler.
Joanna
(to Rachel) So ah, what's wrong with him?
Rachel
Oh, nothing, he's just goofy like that, I actually, hardly notice it anymore.
Joanna
Oh no, no-no-no, is he ah, married, or involved with anyone?
Rachel
No!! No! He's not married, or involved, with anyone!
Joanna
Oh, Rachel, (pause) actually, y'know what, forget it.
Rachel
Well, I'll ask him for you, if you want me too?
Joanna
Would you? Or, is it just to sad and desperate, and y'know something that Sophie would do?
Sophie
Uh, uh, uh, I am here.
Joanna
I know that.
Scene 3
Monica and Rachel's, Monica is showing off her new dollhouse. It's a huge dollhouse, that takes up the entire living room table.
35 lines
Monica
Look at it! Ohhh! Wallpaper's a little faded, that's okay. Carpet's a little loose. Hardwood floors!!
Phoebe
(entering) Hey!
Chandler
Hello.
Phoebe
Oh! Ooh! Oh Monica! It's so beautiful.
Monica
I know!!!
Phoebe
So, I'm here, ready to play.
Monica
Okay.
Phoebe
I brought a bunch of stuff for the house, so check it out. Ha-ha. (She removes this large ceramic dog that comes up to the second floor and places it next to the house.)
Monica
What's this?
Phoebe
That's a dog, every house should have a dog.
Monica
Not one that can pee on the roof.
Phoebe
Well, maybe it's so big because the house was built on radioactive waste.
Chandler
(holding a tissue) And is this in case the house sneezes?
Phoebe
No, no, that's the ghost for the attic.
Monica
I don't want a ghost.
Phoebe
Well, nobody wants a ghost. But you've got one, because the house is sitting on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Ross
Wait a minute, the house was built on radioactive waste, and an ancient Indian burial ground? That would never happen.
Phoebe
Okay, obviously you don't know much about the U.S. government.
Rachel
(entering) Hey!
Everyone
Hello.
Rachel
I need to talk to you!
Ross
Sure, what's up?
Rachel
Oh, sorry. I meant Chandler.
Ross
I-I know. Well if something comes up... (walks away)
Chandler
Oh, I'm glad you guys are past that little awkward phase.
Rachel
Okay, my boss, Joanna, when you left, she started asking questions about you...
Chandler
Oh-ho, liked what she saw, huh? Dug my action, did she? Checkin' out the Chan-Chan man!
Rachel
(looks at him) That was (pause) surreal. Okay, what do think? Are you interested at all?
Chandler
Yeah, she seemed cool, attractive. I'll do it.
Rachel
Oh thank you, Chandler, this is so great, she's gonna love me.
Phoebe
(holding a dinosaur) Okay, dinosaur attack!! Quick, everybody into the house!! Ahh-ahh! (the dinosaur starts attacking the house. She starts to bark like a dog.) Roof! Rrroof-roof-roof!
Monica
Okay, Phoebe, y'know what? That-that's it, that's it, all right? No dinosaurs, no ghosts, no giant dogs, okay? They're not the right size, they're not Victorian, and they just don't go.
Phoebe
Okay, (starts to pack up her stuff) fine. Come dinosaur, we're not welcome in the house of no imagination.
Ross
Uh, Pheebs, while we're hovering around the subject. I just have to say dinosaurs, they-they don't go, rrroof!
Phoebe
The little ones do.
Scene 4
The Theatre, Joey and Kate are getting ready to rehearse the play.
20 lines
Joey
Hey, Kate!
Kate
Morning.
Joey
Listen, I ah, went to that restaurant that you were talking about last week...
The Director
Hey, lovely! Come, talk to me a minute! (she goes over to him)
Joey
(to himself) And I ate the food, I had the fish, it was good, yeah. It was good, yeah...
Woman
Hi, oh, I'm Lauren, Kate's understudy.
Joey
Oh, hey! Joey Tribbiani.
Lauren
I know! I-I'm a big fan of yours.
Joey
(looks at her, shocked) What?!
Lauren
I used to umm, schedule my classes so I could watch Dr. Drake Remoray on Days of Our Lives.
Joey
Get out of here, really?!
Lauren
Absolutely!
Joey
Yeah?
Lauren
Oh but then, they went and dropped you down that elevator shaft.
Joey
They gave me the shaft all right.
Lauren
(laughing) Oh, you're so funny. Listen, umm, what are you doing after rehearsals? Do you want to get a drink, or something?
Joey
Well Ahh, (he sees Kate and the director kissing) yeah! Yeah, sure, a drink sounds great.
Lauren
Cool! I-I'll see you then.
Joey
All right.
The Director
All right, it's time to act, my talking props. (Both Joey and Kate just look at each other.)
Scene 5
Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is entering with her own dollhouse, that she made herself.
26 lines
Phoebe
Hey!
Everyone
Hey!
Phoebe
Look everybody, look at my new dollhouse!!
Rachel
Wow!!
Phoebe
Look, look! (She lifts up the roof, and the front panel falls revealing the interior.)
Ross
Hey, what's this?!
Phoebe
Oh, okay, it's the slide instead of stairs. Watch this. (She slides a doll down the slide)
Monica
It's very interesting, Phoebe.
Rachel
What's this?
Phoebe
The Licorice Room, you can eat all the furniture. And, when guests come over, they can stay on the tootsie roll-away bed.
Ross
This is the coolest house ever!!
(Monica is looking on with a hurt expression on her face.)
Phoebe
Hey, does anybody want to join me in the aroma room? (lights some incense)
Rachel
All right!
Ross
I would!
Monica
Hey, guys, guys, did you see my new, china cabinet?!
Rachel
Uh-huh.
Phoebe
Watch, watch. (She turns a strand of Christmas lights strung around the house.)
Rachel
Ooohhhh!!
Phoebe
And, and! (She turns on a bubble maker.)
Rachel
Ahhhh!!
Chandler
(entering) Hey, my Father's house does that!
Rachel
(to Chandler) O-o-o-okay, how did it go? Tell me everything.
Chandler
Well, the movie was great, dinner was great, and there's nothing like a cool, crisp New York evening.
Rachel
Hmm.
Chandler
Of course, I didn't get to enjoy any of that, because Joanna's such a big, dull dud!
Scene 6
Rachel's office, Joanna's telling Rachel, her side of the story.
9 lines
Joanna
Chandler is fantastic!!
Rachel
What?!
Joanna
Oh God, we just clicked! Y'know how people just click? Like he came by to pick me up, and I opened the door, and it was just like, click! Did he tell you?
Rachel
Oh, I....
Joanna
Oh, and he's got such a good heart! Doesn't he have a good heart?
Rachel
Oh, I know...
Joanna
Oh, I know and he's soo sweet! Listen, he said he was going to call, so put him straight through.
Sophie
Isn't this great?!
Joanna
Don't spoil it.
Scene 7
The Theatre, Joey and Kate are rehearsing.
44 lines
Joey
Come on baby, don't go. Please? What do you say?
[A phone rings.]
The Director
(answering the phone) Hello. Oh! It's you. Just ah, just one-one sec. (to Joey and Kate) I am going to take this call. When I continue, I hope that there will appear on stage this magical thing that in the theatre we call, committing to the moment! (He goes to take the call.)
Joey
(to Kate) That guy's like a cartoon. What do you see in him anyway?
Kate
He happens to be brilliant. Which is more than I can say for that sweater you're dating.
Joey
Hey, I'm not interested in her sweater! It's what's underneath her sweater that counts. And besides, since ah, since when do you care who I'm going out with?
Kate
I don't care. Why, do you want me to care?
Joey
Do you want me to want you to care?
Kate
Do you?
Joey
What?
The Director
(returning) Okay, I'm afraid to say this, but let's pick it up where we left off.
[They resume rehearsing.]
Joey
Come on baby, don't go. Please? What do you say?
Kate
I've got no reason to stay.
(Joey grabs her and kisses her.)
The Director
Stop!! Stop it! You must stop! You are bad actors! This is a terrible play! I'll see you in the morning. (exits)
Kate
I can't believe we go on in, in a week.
Joey
Hey, it's gonna be all right.
Lauren
(to Joey) Hey! So since we're getting off early, do you want to go and paint mugs?
Joey
What?
Lauren
You know! At the place I told you about last night?
Joey
Oh, yeah, with the mug painting. Yeah. I was so listening to that. But ah, y'know what, I think I kinda need to work on my stuff tonight.
Lauren
Oh, okay.
Joey
Okay. (he gives her a peck on the cheek)
Lauren
I'll see you tomorrow. (she kisses him full on the mouth.)
Joey
Okay.
Lauren
G'night. (exits)
Joey
(to Kate) Ah, are you okay?
Kate
Yeah, I guess. Look, what are we gonna do about this scene, huh?
Joey
I don't know.
Kate
Well umm, maybe if it had more heat.
Joey
How do you mean?
Kate
Well, Adrian's looking for a reason to stay, right? Victor can't just kiss her, he's gotta, gotta really give her a reason, y'know?
Joey
Maybe he could slip her the tongue.
Kate
Or maybe, maybe he could grab her, and, and, and, and lift her up.
Joey
Yeah, yeah, and then Adrian, she maybe she could wrap her legs around his waist.
Kate
And then she could rip off his shirt and kiss his chest, and, and his stomach!
Joey
And then, then he could use his teeth, his teeth to undo her dress, and, and, and bite her!
Kate
And then right, right when the scene ends, he could take her with this raw, animal....
[cut to Joey's bedroom, Joey and Kate are emerging from under the covers.]
Joey
Something like that?
Kate
Yeah, that's pretty much what I had in mind.
Joey
Yeah.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Scene 8
Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Monica are eating breakfast as Joey enters, very happily.
22 lines
Joey
(to Ross) Hey.
Ross
Hi.
Joey
(to Monica) Hey.
(He walks up behind Monica and gives her a big hug and a kiss on the neck.)
Ross
Hi.
Joey
Hey.
(He walks over behind Ross, thinks about it for a moment, and gives him a big hug.)
Ross
It's a little early to be drinkin'.
Joey
No-no, things ah, finally happened with Kate.
Ross
Ohhhhh!
Monica
You're kidding?! That's great!
Joey
Oh, it was so amazing. After the (pause) love making...
Monica
Oh my.
Joey
Yep. I just, I just watched her sleep for like hours, just breathing in and breathing out. And then I knew she was dreaming 'cause, 'cause her eyes keep going like this. (He closes his eyes and moves them around, kinda like he's been processed by the devil, or something.)
Chandler
(entering with Rachel) I'm telling ya, Joanna's got it all wrong. Okay? All I said was, 'This was fun. Let's do it again sometime. I'll give you a call.'
Rachel
Ohh, gee. I wonder why she thinks you're going to call her?
Chandler
That's what you say at the end of a date.
Rachel
You can't just say, 'Nice to meet you, good night?'
Chandler
To her face? Look it's the end of the date, I'm standing there, I know all she's waiting for is for me to say 'I'll call her' and it's just y'know, comes out. I can't help it, it's a compulsion.
Monica
Come on Rach, when a guy says he's going to call, it doesn't mean he's going to call. Hasn't it ever happened to you?
Rachel
Well, they always called.
Monica
Hmm, bite me.
Scene 9
Rachel's office.
11 lines
Joanna
(entering) Did he call?
Rachel
No. Sorry.
Joanna
Why?! Why?! He said he'd call. Why hasn't he called?
Sophie
Maybe he's intimated by really smart, strong, successful women.
Joanna
Sophie, would you please climb out of my butt. Why hasn't he called, Rachel? Why?
Rachel
Okay, okay. Umm, well ah, maybe he, maybe he feels awkward because you are my boss.
Joanna
Awkward? Why should he feel awkward?
Rachel
Well...
Joanna
The only person that should feel awkward is you, and you didn't tell him not to call me, did you?
Rachel
No. I...
Joanna
Because if you feel uncomfortable with your friend dating someone you work for, there are always ways to fix...that.
Scene 10
Central Perk, Chandler is reading a magazine as Rachel approaches.
13 lines
Rachel
(grabbing the magazine out of his hands) Call her! Call her now!
Chandler
Multiple, so many paper cuts.
Rachel
Why hasn't he called Rachel? Why? Why? I don't understand. Why? He said he'll call. Why? Why? Chandler I'm telling you she has flipped out, she's gone crazy!
Chandler
(sarcastic) Oh, well give me the phone then.
Rachel
Come on, this isn't funny. She thinks it's my fault that you haven't called her. You have to call her!
Chandler
Look, you can't call somebody after this long just to say, 'In case you didn't notice, I don't like you!'
Rachel
Well then you're going to have to take her out again.
Chandler
Nooo!! She's really dull! And she gets this gross mascara goop thing in the corner of her eye!
Rachel
I don't care! I don't care! You are going to have to take her out again and end it, and end it in way that she knows it's actually ended. And, I don't care how hard it is for you, do not tell her that you will call her again!
Chandler
All right! Fine! But it's just a lunch date, no more than an hour! And from now on I get my own dates, I don't want you setting me up with anybody ever again!
Rachel
That's fine!
Chandler
That's just a lot of big talk, y'know.
Rachel
I know.
Scene 11
Monica and Rachel's, Ross is entering.
5 lines
Ross
Mon?
Monica
(from the bathroom) I'm in the shower!
[He closes the door and walks over to get something from the fridge. He starts to smell something and turns around to see Phoebe's dollhouse smoking. He runs over and takes off the roof to reveal that the dollhouse fire.]
Ross
Oh, fire! There, there's a fire! Fire!!
[He tries to blow it out, and obviously, it doesn't work. He runs over to the sink to get a glass of water to put out the fire, but since Monica is in the shower the water pressure is very low and takes a long time to fill the glass. In desperation he takes the half full glass over and dumps it on the fire, it doesn't work. He then picks up the dollhouse and considers bringing it over to the sink, but decides to take it into the bathroom and use the shower to put it out. He kicks open the door and we hear Monica scream at the top of her lungs.]
Scene 12
The Theatre, Kate is arriving for rehearsal.
13 lines
Joey
Hey.
Kate
Hi.
Joey
So I ah, talked to Lauren, kinda told her how things were with us. Did you ah, did you talk to Marshall?
Kate
About what?
Joey
Y'know, about what happened with us.
Kate
Nooo. And there's really no reason he should find out, so ah let's not make a big deal about it, okay?
Joey
What are you talking about? It was a big deal. I mean, come on you can't tell me last night didn't mean something to you. I-I was there, you're not that good an actress.
Kate
Look umm, I, I was, I was just caught up in the moment. That's all it was. Joey, I'm-I'm sorry you feel bad, but haven't you ever sleep with a women where it meant more to her than it did to you?
Joey
Nooo.
Lauren
(entering) Hi, Kate!
Kate
Hi, Lauren.
Joey
Hi, Lauren.
Lauren
Hi, pig!
Scene 13
Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Ross are inspecting the damage to the dollhouse.
13 lines
Ross
Sorry I ah, I scared you in there.
Monica
Oh, that's okay. By the way, I was just checking the shower massager.
Ross
Yeah.
Phoebe
(entering) Hey!
Monica
(runs over to her) I tried to reach you at work. There's....been a fire.
Phoebe
What?! Oh my... (sees the remains of the house) Oh my God!! What happened?!
Ross
Well, we believe it originated here. (He uses a pointer and points to the point of origin.) In the Aroma Room.
Phoebe
All right. Did everyone get out okay?
Monica
Well, the giraffe's okay. And so is the pirate.
Phoebe
Ohh. What is this? (She sees a tissue covering something, and moves to remove it.)
Ross
No Phoebe, don't look! You don't want to see what's under there!!
Phoebe
(She pauses to ready herself, and removes the tissue.) Ohh, the-the Foster puppets!
(She picks up a charred piece of plastic that once was the Foster puppets, and starts to break down. Monica goes over and comforts her.)
Scene 14
Rachel's office, Chandler and Joanna are returning from their lunch date. He is telling her about her mascara problem. Rachel is already there.
27 lines
Chandler
It's not a big deal. It's, just it's right here, (points to his eye) and it's all the time.
Joanna
Well, thanks again for lunch.
Chandler
(He looks over at Rachel, who nods her head) Yes, this, this was pleasant.
(Rachel is slowing trying to leave and let them talk.)
Joanna
It was, wasn't it?
Chandler
The food there was, was great.
Joanna
Wasn't it?
Chandler
So take care.
Joanna
You too.
Chandler
Well, this was great. I'll give you a call. We should do it again sometime. (Rachel is disappointed)
Joanna
Great! I'm looking forward to it. Rachel, any messages?
Rachel
Sophie's desk.
(Chandler starts to leave ashamed of himself, but Rachel stops him in the hallway.)
Rachel
(whispering) Chandler!! Are you gonna call her!
Chandler
Noo!
Rachel
Chandler!!
Chandler
Look, I'm sorry. Okay? I'm weak, and pathetic, and sorry.
Rachel
Okay, you are going to tell her and you're going to tell her now. (She grabs his nipple and starts to twist it.)
Chandler
Ahhhh-I'm not going to call you.
Joanna
What?
Chandler
I'm sorry. I'm-I'm-I'm sorry that I said I was going to when I'm not. Look, this has nothing to do with you, y'know? And this isn't Rachel's fault. It's me. I have serious, serious problems when it comes to women. I have issues with commitment, intimacy, (pause) mascara goop. And I'm really sorry, it's just that this is not, this isn't going to work out.
Joanna
Well, this isn't how I was hoping how this would end, but I guess I have to appreciate your honesty.
Chandler
Yeah, o-okay.
Joanna
So...
Chandler
Well this is great! I'll give you a call! We should do it again sometime!
(Rachel is shocked, and holds her arms out in disbelief.)
CLOSING CREDITS
Scene 15
Chandler and Joey's, Joey is talking on the phone.
2 lines
Joey
(on phone) Well, so anyway Beth, what I'm saying is I should've considered your feelings before I went home with you that night. I've ah, I've recently learned what's it like to be on your side of it, and I'm sorry. So, do you think you can forgive me? (listens) Great. Thanks. Okay, bye. (He sits down and crosses out something, and dials the phone again.) Hello, Jennifer? (listens) Oh hi, Mrs. Loreo, is Jennifer there? (listens) Oh, she's not home huh? (listens) Well ah, actually I kinda need to talk to you too.
