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  •  /  Friends  /  S06E08 The One With Ross's Teeth


    • new scene
    • Scene 1

      Joey and Janine's, Chandler knocks on the front door. Joey answers the door.

    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Hi, my name's Chandler. I just moved in next door and I was wondering if you would be interested in battling me in a post-apoplectic world for control of the galaxies last remaining energy source?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Sure, neighbor come on in.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      So, is Janine around?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Uh, no, she's at dance class.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Can I check out what she did to my room?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah, but, hey look, don't go through her stuff. She gets really mad.(Chandler gives him a look and walks to the door of his old room.)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (The room is filled with flowers and a floral print sheet on the bed.) Oh my God. What is th... it's like a guy never lived in here. Look, you've got to be careful. This girl thing is dangerous. (Looking around the living room.) It's spreading already.
    • joey
    • Joey
      (Looking around the room.) It is???
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (Picking up a pillow.) Yeah, is this your pretty pink pillow on the couch?
    • joey
    • Joey
      No.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (Pointing to the table and picking up the box.) Is that your tiny little box, that's too small to put anything in?
    • joey
    • Joey
      No.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      No! Ok, this is not good. You are a guy. Ok? This is a guys place. If you let this go, you're going to be sitting around with your fingers soaking in stuff.
    • joey
    • Joey
      (With Big Eyes.) All right, you're right. I'll talk to her.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yes talk to her. Be a man.
    • joey
    • Joey
      I'm a man.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Defend yourself.
    • joey
    • Joey
      (Grunting) Hmm. (Monica opens the front door and comes in.)
    • monica
    • Monica
      Chandler come on. We have to hem the new dust ruffle.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Be right there sweetums. (Monica leaves. To Joey.) A totally different situation.
    • OPENING CREDITS
    • new scene
    • Scene 2

      Central Perk, The gangs all here. Monica is walking in.

    • monica
    • Monica
      Hey guys.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Hey, how was your breakfast with Hillary?
    • monica
    • Monica
      It was okay. She's still kind of depressed because she broke up with her boyfriend.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Ohh, yeah.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Well, is this Hillary your HOT assistant chef Hillary?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Yeah.
    • ross
    • Ross
      The one that always stares at me when I come in?
    • monica
    • Monica
      No, the one who looked at you once because you got in her way.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Still I could tell. She was into me. (Joey rolls his eyes.) Well, why don't you set us up?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ohh, are you setting Ross up with someone? Does she have a wedding dress?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      (Walking over and Sitting down.) Hey.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Hey.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Rachel?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      I'm, uhh, making up flyers trying to get new massage clients. So, can I come to Bloomingdale's and use the copy machine.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Well, sure, but they might think it's kinda weird considering I don't work there anymore.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh my God. What happened?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      I-I, got a job at Ralph Lauren.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Well that's great! Congratulations!! (She hugs Rachel.)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah. (chuckling) A year ago..
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      (Hugging her again.) You've lasted a whole year. Good for you.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      But, Pheebs, you can still use the copy machine where I actually work. But, just come by at lunch so my boss doesn't see you. Cause Kim will just freak out and she already doesn't like me very much.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      That's weird. I don't think my boss likes me either.
    • monica
    • Monica
      I don't think mine likes me either.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Maybe it's a universal thing?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Or maybe, it's because you're hanging around here at 11:30 on a Wednesday. (Everybody gets up.)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yeah let's head off to work.
    • monica
    • Monica
      We should go.
    • new scene
    • Scene 3

      Rachel's office, Phoebe hands Rachel a key card.

    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Thank you.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Sure.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Now you will not believe this. But, I was in the copy room, making copies, and Ralph Lauren came in.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh my God. Did you talk to him?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Yeah a little. He seems really nice. Good kisser.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      What? What!?! You kissed him?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Totally.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      (Gasps) Phoebe are you serious?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Yeah. I was just in there. He introduced himself and the next thing I know, we're making out. You know.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Phoebe, I mean, you do know he's married?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      No!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Phoebe...
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      What am I supposed to do? Ask every guy I make out with if he's married? (Rachel looks at her.) No, yeah, I should.
    • new scene
    • Scene 4

      Joey and Janine's apartment, Joey stares at a picture of a bay on the wall. Janine comes out of her room.

    • Janine
      Hey Joey.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey. Uh, can I talk to you for a second? This, uh, kid in this picture. Do you, uh, know this kid? Is that like a relative or something?
    • Janine
      No, I just thought it was cute.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah, that's what I was afraid of.. Okay, uhh...Look Janine I really want you to feel at home here, but some of this new stuff. It's...too girly.
    • Janine
      Ohh. Like what?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Like this. (pointing to the picture) Pictures of cute babies we don't know. We..we can't have that.
    • Janine
      Joey, it's Anne Geddes. She's a famous artist.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Look I don't know this baby. I don't know if she's a famous artist or not. You know, and I don't want to be a jerk but you're changing too much around here.
    • Janine
      Well, I'm sorry. I just thought I'd try to make the place a little nicer.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah but it's too much stuff. You know like, you got the candles and the foofy schmoofer thing here and over here you got a picture of a watering can.
    • Janine
      Well I just thought...
    • joey
    • Joey
      I'm sure it's a famous watering can, okay. But, come on...and what is with the really hot stick in the bathroom?
    • Janine
      It's a curling iron.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Ohh, well, that's ok then. But, okay my towels for instance. I come in to the bathroom here and my towel is not on the floor where keep it. It's up here on some hook..and...smells different.
    • Janine
      It's clean.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah, well, it feels different.
    • Janine
      It's dry.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Alright, I can make my peace with the clean dry towels...Also what is with these chips you bought?
    • Janine
      No no no no, it's potpourri. You're supposed to smell it. (Joey takes a big whiff of the potpourri.)
    • joey
    • Joey
      (Voice cracking) Well that's like summer in a bowl.
    • new scene
    • Scene 5

      Elevator at the Ralph Lauren offices, Rachel gets on her boss Kim is there.

    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, Kim, Hi. (Kim doesn't even look up from her report.)
    • Kim
      Uhh-huh.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      So you know, I...I handed in that marketing report and I never got to hear what you thought.
    • Kim
      I didn't read it.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ahh....So...Wow...The spring line, it's really going to be great this year, huh?
    • Kim
      Yeah.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      So I hear the Ralph Lauren fooled around with someone in the copy room. (Kim stops the elevator and turns to Rachel.)
    • Kim
      Tell me everything.
    • [Scene; Central Perk, Monica and Chandler are on the couch. Ross walks in.]
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hey guys.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Hey.
    • ross
    • Ross
      What's up? (He smiles. His teeth are freakishly white.)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      You know...Oh My God.
    • monica
    • Monica
      What happened to your teeth.
    • ross
    • Ross
      I whitened them.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (Sarcastically) Really.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Yeah. What do you think.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Well, I think I shouldn't look directly at them.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Come on, seriously.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Ross they're really, really, really white.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yeah, what was wrong with your old...human teeth.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Ahh, I-I did leave the gel on a little longer then it said to.
    • monica
    • Monica
      How much longer?
    • ross
    • Ross
      A-A day.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Ross you know that tonight is your date with Hillary?
    • ross
    • Ross
      I know. That's why I did it. (With a big smile) Come on, are they really that bad?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      No, no no no. You'll be fine. (turning to Monica) Hillary's bind, right?
    • monica
    • Monica
      She will be after tonight.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yeah. (Rachel walks in.)
    • ross
    • Ross
      Oh, hey, hey Rach, do you notice anything..ahh...
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah. Your teeth? Yes, I saw them from outside. (Sitting down on the couch.) You guys are never going to believe this. But, Phoebe made out with Ralph Lauren.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      What???
    • monica
    • Monica
      Oh my god.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah I know. She ran into him at my office and they just...made out. And the craziest thing is, now my boss likes me because I told her about it and she said it was the best gossip she'd heard all year.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      I am proud of all my friends today.
    • monica
    • Monica
      My God, Rachel, I can't believe Phoebe made out with Ralph Lauren. Ohh, I'm so jealous. (Chandler looks at her.)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Hi, I'm Chandler. Your live-in boy
    • monica
    • Monica
      Chandler, please, come on. Look at him. (Pointing to a picture of Ralph on a magazine,.)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh, I am no women, but that is one tasty dish. (Phoebe walks in.)
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Hey. Here. (Hands Chandler a copy of her flyer and sees the picture of Ralph.) Ohh, who's the silver fox?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      That-that is your make out buddy. Don't you recognize him? (Holding up the magazine in front of her face.) Oh wait. Ohh, Phoebe I love you. Kiss me please.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      That's not Ralph Lauren. Sounds like him though.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      What?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Yeah, no, Ralph doesn't look anything like that guy. He's-he's young and he's got long hair and a beard and a hacky sack.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh My God, Phoebe, that's not Ralph Lauren. That's Kenny the copy guy.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      What?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh..Go..Oh..and I told my boss that someone made out with Ralph Lauren. If she finds out that I lied to her, she is going to hate me even more. Phoebe!!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Why would the copy guy say he was Ralph Lauren?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      To get you to make out with him!!!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Ohhh.
    • new scene
    • Scene 6

      Ross's Apartment, Ross and Monica are there.

    • monica
    • Monica
      (Holding a shirt in front of Ross.) Okay, maybe this will make your teeth look less white. (Ross has a big smile.) Nope. Okay, colors that don't work are blue, yellow, green, red, black, white, orange, and purple.
    • ross
    • Ross
      I don't know what I'm going to do. That date starts in like an hour.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Hey Ross, maybe if your skin was lighter. Your teeth wouldn't look so bright.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Oh great. So all I need to do is get some new skin. Thank you.
    • monica
    • Monica
      I'm just saying, if we put just a little bit of makeup on you.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. We're not 13 anymore.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Ross this is the only thing left that has a shot at working.
    • ross
    • Ross
      But, won't she notice I have makeup on?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Please. Half the guys out there have makeup on.
    • ross
    • Ross
      What??
    • monica
    • Monica
      All right, half the people. I mean, just try it and see.
    • ross
    • Ross
      No. I am not putting on makeup. (Knock at the door. Phoebe enters.)
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Hello. Oh good. Ross could you put up some of these flyers for me? (He smiles at her.) OH!! Demon!! Demon!!
    • new scene
    • Scene 7

      Chandler's and Monica's apartment, Chandler and Monica are sitting at the kitchen table making potpourri sachets.

    • monica
    • Monica
      Now are drawers will smell nice and we didn't waste these pantyhose.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yes, God forbid we throw out old underwear. You-you know what? I'm going to go over to Joey's.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Wait, we're supposed to organize the wrapping paper drawer.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yes, but I feel like I've really gotten in touch with my feminine side enough today. You know. In fact I think we're two sachets away from becoming a lesbian couple.
    • monica
    • Monica
      You know what? This has been kind of a girlie day. You're right, I'm sorry.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Nah, Nah, it's okay. I feel like I need to be in guy place. You know, do kind of like a man thing.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Yeah. Go over to Joey's. Go over to Joey's and drink some beer and hammer up some drywall.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      You know when guys hang out they don't just drink some beer and hammer up drywall?
    • monica
    • Monica
      When girls hang out, we don't have pillow fights in our underwear. (Chandler gets a hurt look on his face.) I'm sorry. We do. We do. I don't know why I said that.
    • new scene
    • Scene 8

      Joey and Janine's apartment, Chandler walks in. Joey and Janine are knitting at the kitchen counter.

    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey Chandler. Come on in. We're knitting pot holders.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      No thanks, Josephine.
    • new scene
    • Scene 9

      Ross's apartment, Chandler enters. Ross is putting on makeup.

    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Hey Ross, I was wondering if... Oh my God!! Where are all the men???
    • new scene
    • Scene 10

      Elevator at the Ralph Lauren offices, Kim's waiting for it. The door opens and Rachel is inside.

    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ohh, hi, Kim.
    • Kim
      Hi Rachel.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah, remember that thing I told you that happened yesterday? Well it didn't happen.
    • Kim
      You didn't cancel the fabric order from Taiwan?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Okay, two things didn't happen. Remember I told you that someone made out with Ralph Lauren in the copy room? Well, it turns out that's not true.
    • Kim
      That's not true?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      No.
    • Kim
      Oh that's interesting? Because I checked and only one keycard was used to access the copy machine yesterday during lunch and that keycard belonged to you, Rachel.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh no, no, no. Oh God, you think I made out with him.
    • Kim
      Listen to me. If you think sleeping with Ralph is going to get you my job. You are sadly mistaken.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      I-I don't want your job. I-I don't. Ohh this is such a mistake. I did not make out with him. Nobody made out with him. I did not use my keycard yesterday. I don't even know how to use my keycard. (The elevator stops. Ralph steps on.)
    • Kim
      Hi Ralph.
    • Ralph Lauren:
      Hi Kim. (Dead silence until Ralph gets off the elevator.)
    • Kim
      Yeah, nothing happen. You could cut the sexual tension in here with a knife.
    • new scene
    • Scene 11

      Hillary's apartmen,. Hillary and Ross are having dinner. He is avoiding opening his mouth.

    • Hillary
      And after that, what could I do except become a chef.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Mmm-Hmm.
    • Hillary
      And someday soon, I hope to open my own restaurant.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Mmm.
    • Hillary
      You know, you're a really great listener. Most guys I go out with, they just talk and talk.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Mm-Hmm.
    • Hillary
      After a while it's like, shut your mouth, you know?
    • ross
    • Ross
      (Chuckling) Hmm-Hmm.
    • Hillary
      I've probably been talking too much. Why don't we talk about you a little bit?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Mmm-Unmm.
    • Hillary
      Come on. I want to know.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hmm-Hmm-Hmm. (Putting his hand up to block his mouth.) Okay. I, uh, am from Long Island. I-I came to the city for college. Um, I, um, have a 5 year old son and in my spare time I like to read spy novels. But, but, let's talk more about you. Hmm.
    • new scene
    • Scene 12

      Joey and Janine's apartment, Joey and Monica are arranging flowers. Chandler walks in.

    • joey
    • Joey
      So what's really neat. If you sear the stems of the flowers first in a frying pan, your arrangement will look fresh much longer.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Oh my God, Joey, that is such a great tip.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Monica, could you excuse us for a second? I need to talk to the girl with the flowers.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Okay. Oh but Joey, come over later because I'm going to teach you to make a bird feeder out of just a pine cone and some peanut butter.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Ohh, I love birds. (Monica leaves. Chandler shuts the door.)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      What is the matter with you ?!?
    • joey
    • Joey
      What?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      You're arranging flowers! (Pointing to the dish on the table.) You got dead flowers! You got a picture, a picture, of a baby dressed like flowers! This is not Joey!!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey. Hey look I am still Joey, okay. Flowers they're just, you know, they're nice to look at. And that happens to be a picture by a famous artist. Of a famous baby.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      You're turning into a women.
    • joey
    • Joey
      No I'm not. Why would you say that? That's just mean.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Now I've upset you? What did I say?
    • joey
    • Joey
      It's not what you said. It's the way you said it....Oh My God, I'm a women!!!
    • new scene
    • Scene 13

      Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are there.

    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Now, she thinks that I made out with him and I did it to get her job.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      But why didn't you just tell her the truth.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      I did but she doesn't think anyone would be stupid enough to confuse Kenny the copy guy with Ralph Lauren.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Well, hey, what if Kenny were the real brains behind the whole company? You know. What if Kenny hired that Ralph Lauren guy to be the pretty front man? Huh, did she ever think of that?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      You were with Kenny today, weren't you?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Just for a second.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ohh, Phoebe, what am I going to do?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Well, the only thing you can do. Sleep with Ralph Lauren.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      I'm not going to sleep with Ralph Lauren. I mean, I could, but I wouldn't.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Ohh, sleep with Kenny.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      That wouldn't help me.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Ohh, yes it would.
    • new scene
    • Scene 14

      Hillary's apartment, Hillary and Ross are finishing up their date.

    • Hillary
      I've had a really good time tonight.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Mmm.
    • Hillary
      You know, I rarely connect with someone this much on the first date.
    • ross
    • Ross
      (Giggling) Hmm-Hmm-Hmm. (Picking up a piece of bread and covering his mouth.) Me, neither. I've had a really good time too, you know. (Putting the bread down.)
    • Hillary
      Are you going to eat that bread?
    • ross
    • Ross
      (Putting the bread up to his nose.) Ohh, I just like the smell. (Sniffing it.) Mmmm.
    • Hillary
      (Laughing) You make me laugh.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hmm-Hmm.
    • Hillary
      Would you like to move over to the couch?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Mmm-Hmm. (Picking up their wine glasses.)
    • Hillary
      Maybe I'll just turn the lights down a little.
    • ross
    • Ross
      (Covering his mouth with the glass.) How about all the way.
    • Hillary
      Okay. (She goes to turn the lights off and Ross sits on the couch. She has some black light posters on the wall.)
    • ross
    • Ross
      (Looking at the posters.) Wow, cool poster. Or should I say groovy poster? (They sit down on the couch. Ross smiles and the black light fluoresces his teeth.) So, ahh, where were we?
    • Hillary
      Are those your teeth??
    • ross
    • Ross
      Ohh, you can see them, huh?
    • Hillary
      Yes. They're insanely white.
    • ross
    • Ross
      I-I, did that for you.
    • Hillary
      What's a matter with you?
    • ross
    • Ross
      What's a matter with me? You've got a black light. It's 1999!
    • new scene
    • Scene 15

      Elevator at the Ralph Lauren Offices, Rachel gets in . Kim is there.

    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Kim, hi.
    • Kim
      Hi Rachel. Ohh, I've been meaning to ask you. Have you seen the new Ralph Lauren sheets? Ohh, what am I thinking. Of course you have.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Okay..Okay.. Look. I'm sorry that I lied to you before. You were right. Ralph and I were an item but were not anymore.
    • Kim
      Oh, really?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      (Faking crying.) Yeah, he dumped me. He said, "Rachel, I can't do this. Even though you are a very, very, very beautiful women. I can't do this. I'm married and I'm sorry." And then I don't know why but he said, "and you will never get promoted. Especially not above Kim, who is an integral cog in the Ralph Lauren machine."
    • Kim
      You expect me to believe..(Doors open, Ralph steps in.) Hi Ralph.
    • Ralph Lauren:
      Hi Kim. (Dead silence again until he gets off.)
    • Kim
      Oh my God. He just gave you the coldest look I have ever seen. It's like he hates you. Then it is true.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Of course it's true and it hurts so bad.
    • Kim
      Ohh honey come here. (Hugging Rachel.) Ohh it will be ok. We've all been there.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      You and Ralph?
    • Kim
      Kenny the copyboy.
    • CLOSING CREDITS
    • new scene
    • Scene 16

      Joey and Janine's apartment, Joey paces the floor waiting for Janine. She walks in.

    • Janine
      Hey.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey, uhh, I need to talk to you.
    • Janine
      What's the matter? Are you upset?
    • joey
    • Joey
      I'm sorry but we've got to get rid of all this girlie stuff in here. I, uh, I got to be a man! Okay. The living room has to remain a guy place, okay? That's just the way it has to be.
    • Janine
      Well, if that's what you want. I'll just put it all in my room.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Great...Great...and thanks for being so understanding. I mean, I didn't want to make a big deal out of this, you know. (She starts to collect all the girlie stuff up.) You could, uh, put the picture of the famous baby in my room. I mean, if you want to.
    • Janine
      Okay.
    • joey
    • Joey
      And, uhh, maybe the watering can there.
    • Janine
      Sure.
    • joey
    • Joey
      And a couple of these little tiny boxes.
    • Janine
      Joey? Do you want me to put it all in your room?
    • joey
    • Joey
      (Smiling) Okay.
    • END