S2 • Chandler's Unscripted 'Blue Blazer Black' Blooper

S04E11

The One With Phoebe's Uterus

Frank and Alice ask Phoebe to be their surrogate. Joey becomes a museum tour guide. Chandler seeks advice from Monica and Rachel on pleasing Kathy.

11 Scenes221 Lines

Scene 1:Central Perk, Frank and Alice are there talking with Phoebe.

14 lines

phoebe

Phoebe

Oh my God! I can't believe my little brother is married!

Frank

Oh I know!! (Both he and Alice squeal hysterically)

phoebe

Phoebe

You guys, why didn't you tell me you were eloping?

Frank

'Cause it just sorta happened, y'know we were at the courthouse, we were having lunch...

phoebe

Phoebe

Wait, wait, why were you at the courthouse?

Frank

We were having lunch. Yeah and then all of the sudden we were like, "Hey! Y'know, we're here, having lunch let's get married!

phoebe

Phoebe

Wow, a year and a half ago I didn't even know I had a brother, and now I have a sister too. (They all hug, and Frank and Alice start kissing.) Okay. Okay. Stop it, don't. So, I gotta get you a gift now. Is there anything you need?

Frank

Uhh, yeah.

Alice

We've been trying to get pregnant, uh pretty much ever since we got engaged, we thought we'd get a jump on things, y'know no one's getting any younger.

Frank

See the thing is umm, we're not able to y'know, uh, conceive.

Alice

And we've tried everything, we've seen a bunch of doctors.

Frank

Yeah, and they-and they say that our-that our only chance to have a baby is that if they take my sperm, her egg and put it together in a dish and then put it into another girl. So we were wondering if you could be the girl that we could put it into.

phoebe

Phoebe

(shocked) That's a really nice gift. I was thinking of like a gravy boat.

OPENING CREDITS

Scene 2:Chandler's Unscripted 'Blue Blazer Black' Blooper

Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel, and Chandler are trying to throw cards into a vase.42 lines

Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel, and Chandler are trying to throw cards into a vase.

Ensemble cast turns a live line flub into an in-character roastUnscripted BlooperIn-Character RecoveryLive Studio Audience

Home to the most famous unscripted blooper left in the final broadcast cut of Friends. When Joey enters wearing a blue blazer for his new museum tour-guide job, Matthew Perry was scripted to quip 'Donald Trump wants his blue blazer back', but accidentally said 'black'. Instead of cutting and resetting, the cast stayed in character to mock Chandler's verbal slip in real time, and the studio audience's roar convinced the producers to keep the entire exchange.

The room freezes in genuine surprise for a beat before David Schwimmer asks 'What?' and Perry tries to salvage the line in character.
Courteney Cox and Jennifer Aniston pile on without breaking eye contact, forcing Chandler to pivot sheepishly back to the scripted question.

joey

Joey

(entering with Ross) Hey! You guys! Check it out, check it out! (He's wearing a blue blazer) Guess which job I got.

chandler

Chandler

[Breakdown]

I don't know, but Donald Trump wants his blue blazer black.

improvisedThe 'Blue Blazer Black' Slip

Genuine on-camera line flub by Matthew Perry: the script read 'Donald Trump wants his blue blazer back', but Perry misspoke 'black' in front of the live studio audience.

The gang is stunned.

ross

Ross

What?

chandler

Chandler

[Breakdown]

Blue blazer back. He-he wants it back.

improvisedPerry's In-Character Save Attempt

Perry tries to correct the take in character ('Blue blazer back. He-he wants it back') rather than breaking for a reset.

rachel

Rachel

[Breakdown]

But you-you said black. Why would he want his blue blazer black?

improvisedAniston Pounces on the Slip

Jennifer Aniston pounces on the slip in character ('But you-you said black. Why would he want his blue blazer black?'), turning an actor's tongue-twister into a character roast of Chandler.

chandler

Chandler

Well, you-you know what I meant.

monica

Monica

[Breakdown]

No, you messed it up. You're stupid.

improvisedCox's Unscripted Button

Courteney Cox delivers the improvised button ('No, you messed it up. You're stupid'), and Matthew Perry's sheepish pivot back to the scripted line ('So what job did you get Joe?') sealed the take for broadcast.

chandler

Chandler

So what job did you get Joe?

joey

Joey

Oh, ah, tour guide at the museum. Yeah, Ross got it for me.

rachel

Rachel

Well, how can you be a tour guide, don't you have to be a dinosaur expert or something?

joey

Joey

No, not really. They give you all the information, it's uh, it's like memorizing a script. (Making like a tour guide) "And on your left, you have Tyrannosaurus Rex, a carnivore from the Jurassic period.

chandler

monica

rachel

Chandler, Monica & Rachel

Great!! That's great!

ross

Ross

Uh actually Joey, it's the Cretasous period.

joey

Joey

Yeah but, I can pronounce Jurassic.

phoebe

Phoebe

(entering) Hey!!

Everyone

Hey!

phoebe

Phoebe

Guess what. Frank Jr., and Alice got married!

Everyone

Oh my God!!

phoebe

Phoebe

And! And, they're gonna have a baby! (The gang is shocked.) And! And, they want me to grow it for them in my uterus. (The gang is stunned into silence.)

ross

Ross

My God!

monica

Monica

Are you serious?

phoebe

Phoebe

Yeah

joey

Joey

You're really thinking about having sex with your brother?!

phoebe

Phoebe

Ewww! And "Oh no!" It's-they just want me to be the surrogate. It's her-it's her egg and her sperm, and I'm-I'm just the oven, it's totally their bun.

joey

Joey

Huh.

monica

Monica

What did you tell them?

phoebe

Phoebe

Well, they said that I had to think about it first, but what is there to think about? I'm gonna be giving them the greatest gift you can possibly give.

chandler

Chandler

You're gonna be carrying their baby and give them a Sony Play Station?

rachel

Rachel

Honey, this really is an incredible thing to do for them, but there are things to think about.

monica

Monica

Yeah, like you're gonna be pregnant. I mean pregnant.

phoebe

Phoebe

I know!

ross

Ross

Pheebs, you're talking about putting your body through an awful lot, I mean morning sickness, uhh, labour, and it's all for somebody else!

phoebe

Phoebe

Yeah, what's your point?

ross

Ross

Well, the stuff I just mentioned.

rachel

Rachel

Wow! I don't know if I could ever do that. I always figured the first time I had a baby was with somebody I love and that baby would be a...keeper.

phoebe

Phoebe

Y'know you guys were a lot more supportive when I wanted to make denim furniture.

joey

Joey

No, Pheebs, listen, if you decide to do this, we'll be supportive like crazy.

Everyone

Yeah.

monica

Monica

We just want you to think it through.

rachel

Rachel

Yeah, honey, maybe you can talk to somebody who's had a baby. Like your mom?

phoebe

Phoebe

My mom never gave birth. Oh! But my birth mom did.

Scene 3:Central Perk, Chandler and Kathy are kissing.

31 lines

Kathy

Umm, (moves her hand's down to his butt) I love this touchy. Can I take it to work with me?

chandler

Chandler

Oh, yeah, sure, it's not mine anyway. It can with the pants.

Kathy

Oh! (They kiss and she leaves)

monica

Monica

I am so jealous.

rachel

Rachel

You guys are really right...there aren't you?

chandler

Chandler

Yes. Right where?

monica

Monica

In the beginning where y'know it's all sex and talking and sex and talking and...

chandler

Chandler

Yeah, you-you gotta love the talking.

monica

Monica

And the sex?

chandler

Chandler

All right, we haven't had sex yet. Okay, what's the big deal? Y'know? This is special, and I want our love to grow until we move on to the next level.

rachel

Rachel

Oh, Chandler that is so nice.

ross

Ross

That is really nice...lying! No way is that the reason!

rachel

Rachel

Why? Just because you're not mature enough to understand something like that?!

chandler

Chandler

No, he's right, I'm totally lying.

Ross makes an "I was right, and you weren't face." And Rachel does Ross's little I'm-flicking-you-off-but-I'm-not-giving-you-the-finger banging of the fists.

monica

Monica

Then what is it?

chandler

Chandler

Well, Kathy's last boyfriend was Joey.

ross

Ross

And you're afraid you won't be able to...fill his shoes.

chandler

Chandler

No, I'm afraid I won't be able to make love as well as him.

ross

Ross

Yeah, I was going for the metaphor.

chandler

Chandler

Yes, and I was saying the actual words.

monica

Monica

So big deal, so Joey's had a lot of girlfriends, it doesn't mean he's great in bed.

chandler

Chandler

We share a wall! So either he's great in bed, or she just likes to agree with him a lot.

monica

Monica

Sweetie, with you it's gonna be different. The sex is gonna be great, 'cause you-you guys are in love.

chandler

Chandler

Yeah?

rachel

Rachel

Yeah!

ross

Ross

Just go for it Chandler.

monica

Monica

Yeah, you should.

rachel

Rachel

Yeah, you should, really.

monica

Monica

Go on.

chandler

Chandler

All right, all right, I'll go sleep with my girlfriend. But I'm just doing it for you guys.

Scene 4:The museum, Joey is giving a tour to a bunch of school kids.

3 lines

joey

Joey

Okay, now the Mastodon is from the semi-late Jurassic period.

Smart Kid

Isn't the Mastodon from the Pliocene Epic?

joey

Joey

Shhh! This is a museum, no talking. Right down here, (Motions to a fossilised dinosaur foot.) we have a large foot. (Sees Ross working in one of the display cases.) Uhh, and over here we have Ross Geller. (Knocks on the glass) Everyone wave 'Hi' to Ross. Ross is one of our most important scientists, look at him, hard at work. (Ross does the old "Putting a cigarette in your ear and pulling it out of your mouth trick.") Okay, moving right along. Come on.

Scene 5:Phoebe Sr.'s house, there's a knock on the door.

24 lines

phoebe

Phoebe

It's open! Come in!

phoebe

Phoebe

Hi!

phoebe

Phoebe

Hi!

phoebe

Phoebe

I'm sorry, I'm late.

phoebe

Phoebe

Oh, that's okay, it gave me time to finish glazing my nipples.

phoebe

Phoebe

Wow! You really go all out when you're expecting company.

phoebe

Phoebe

No, I was working on my pottery.

phoebe

Phoebe

Oh! Ooh! Oh, I didn't know that you did...pot.

phoebe

Phoebe

Well, yeah, mostly nudes. It combines my two passions, pottery and erotica.

phoebe

Phoebe

Ooh, erotiery!

phoebe

Phoebe

Hey! Okay! Well thanks for coming out to see me. I just-I just thought it would be a very good idea to talk about this baby stuff in person. Y'know...

phoebe

Phoebe

Okay.

phoebe

Phoebe

I really don't think it's a very good idea, Phoebe.

phoebe

Phoebe

Why not?

phoebe

Phoebe

Well, because you'd be giving up a baby, and I-I really don't-I don't know if there's anything I can say that could make you understand the pain of giving up a baby. So, umm, (Picks up a puppy in the box next to the couch.)

phoebe

Phoebe

Oh no! No-no! I understand the pain! Don't-don't hurt the puppy.

phoebe

Phoebe

No-no-no, the-the puppy's yours.

phoebe

Phoebe

Oh, I get a puppy!!

phoebe

Phoebe

Well, yeah! I mean yeah, but only for three days.

phoebe

Phoebe

Why?

phoebe

Phoebe

I realise I don't have any right to start get all parenty on you and everything now, but umm, (Sees that Phoebe isn't paying attention and is busy mimicking the puppy.) uhh... Phoebe, would you please look at me and not the puppy, it's very important.

phoebe

Phoebe

Okay.

phoebe

Phoebe

I mean, I know what I'm talking about. I gave up two babies, and I only wish I had someone there that had given up babies, that could tell me how terrible it is to give up babies. I just think that, it would be something you will regret every single day for the rest of your life. So, how ever hard it is to give up this puppy, it would be like a million times harder to give up a child. (Phoebe is playing with the puppy again, and not listening) I really shouldn't have given you the puppy first.

phoebe

Phoebe

All right, I'm sorry.

Scene 6:The museum's worker cafeteria, Joey is eating lunch with the rest of the tour guides. Another tour guide tries to sit down in a seat Joey saved for Ross.

13 lines

joey

Joey

Uhh, do you mind sitting there. I'm-I'm saving this for my friend Ross.

Tour Guide

You mean Dr. Geller?

joey

Joey

Doctor? Wow! I didn't know he had a nickname.

Tour Guide

Oh, he won't sit here. Only the people in the white coats sit over there, (Points to there table) and only the people in the blue blazers sit here.

joey

Joey

Well, how-how come?

Tour Guide

That's just the way it is.

joey

Joey

That's crazy.

Tour Guide

Maybe it's crazy in a perfect world, a world without lab coats and blazers, but you not in a perfect world, you in a museum now. See that scientist in the classes, he and I used to play together all the time in grade school, but now...(Turns around) Peter! Hey, Peter! It's me Rhonda! From PS-129! I shared my puddin' which you man! I gave you my Snack Pack! (to Joey) See, he pretend he don't even here me!

joey

Joey

I-I think everybody's pretending they don't hear you. Anyway, look, I don't know about you and your jackets and your separate tables, but Ross is one of my best friends, and if I save him a seat, I'm telling you, he will sit in it! (Ross enters and goes over to the white table) Ross! Ross! Over here, man! I-I saved you seat.

ross

Ross

That's okay, I'm cool over here. I'll catch up with you later, Joey. (Joey is shocked.)

Another woman enters without a coat or blazer and tries to sit at the 'blue' table.

Tour Guide

Op, this is saved. (Joey wonders why) Gift shop.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Scene 7:Monica and Rachel's, Joey is eating dinner, Monica and Rachel are sitting on the couch.

8 lines

ross

Ross

(entering) Hey, uh, I'm really, really sorry about what happened in the cafeteria today.

joey

Joey

It's no big deal. Hey, y'know, you do what you gotta do. Right?

ross

Ross

But hey, it's not just me, I mean the scientists and the tour guides never sit together.

joey

Joey

Whatever.

ross

Ross

It's like that everywhere, Joey! Okay, Mon, back me up here. Where you work the uh, waiters eat with the waiters, right? And the chefs eat with the other chefs, right?

monica

Monica

I eat by myself in the alley because everybody hates me.

joey

Joey

Look, Ross, really it's-it's no big deal. Y'know you wear a white coat, I wear a blue blazer, if that means we can't be friends at work, then so be it. Y'know, hey I understand. Y'know? Hey, when I'm in a play and you're in the audience, I don't talk to you, right? So it's y'know, it's uh, it's cool. I'll see you tomorrow. (Leaves)

rachel

Rachel

Yeah, when we're in the audience he doesn't talk to us, but he does wave.

Scene 8:Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Phoebe is there with her puppy and is trying to sing it to sleep as Chandler enters.

29 lines

chandler

Chandler

Hi.

monica

Monica

Hey!

chandler

Chandler

Why is Phoebe singing to Carl Mulden?

phoebe

Phoebe

Ooh, y'know what, I think it's time for puppy to go out again. Come on, let's go to the balcony.

monica

Monica

What?!

phoebe

Phoebe

Umm, the street. Come on, let's go to the street. Ooh, listen, don't go onto the balcony until after I get back. (Leaves)

monica

Monica

(to Chandler) So, did you do it?

chandler

Chandler

Yes, yes, we had the sex.

monica

Monica

Uh-oh, it was bad?

chandler

Chandler

It was fine, y'know? But she didn't agree with me as strongly as she agreed with Joey. She was more like, "I see you point, I'm all right with it."

monica

Monica

Well, it was the first time. Y'know, there's not always a lot of agreement the first time.

rachel

Rachel

Yeah, not girls anyway, guys agree (snaps her fingers) like that.

chandler

Chandler

Look, you have to help me! Okay? I mean, I know what to do with a woman, y'know, I know where everything goes, it's always nice. But I need to know what makes it go from nice to, "My God! Somebody's killing her in there!"

monica

Monica

All right, I'm gonna show you something a lot of guys don't know. Rach, give me that pad, please? (She does so and Monica starts drawing on it) All right. Now...

chandler

Chandler

Look, you don't have to draw an actual wo-whoa! She's hot!

monica

Monica

Now everybody knows the basic erogenous zones. (She starts labelling them) You got one, two three, four (Chandler is shocked to find out there's more than three), five, six, and seven!

chandler

Chandler

(shocked) There are seven?!

rachel

Rachel

Let me see that. (Monica shows her) Oh, yeah.

chandler

Chandler

(Points to one) That's one?

monica

Monica

It's kind of an important one!

chandler

Chandler

Oh, y'know-y'know what, I was looking at it upside down.

rachel

Rachel

Well, y'know, sometimes that helps. (She realises what that could've meant.)

monica

Monica

(continuing) Now, most guys will hit uh, 1-2-3 and then go to 7 and set up camp.

chandler

Chandler

That-that's bad?

rachel

Rachel

Well if you go to Disneyland, you don't spend the whole day on the Materhorn.

chandler

Chandler

Well you might if it were anything like 7!

monica

Monica

All right uh, the important thing is to take your time, you want to hit 'em all, and you mix 'em up. You gotta keep them on their toes.

rachel

Rachel

Oo, toes!! Well, for some people. (Chandler eyes her and her toes.)

monica

Monica

All right. Umm, you could uh start out with a little 1, a 2, a 1-2-3, 3, 5, a 4, a 3-2, 2, a 2-4-6, 2-4-6, 4, (Rachel starts getting worked up) 2, 2, 4-7, 5-7, 6-7, 7, ...7.....7...7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7...(mouths 7)! (They both lean back on the couch satisfied.)

Scene 9:The museum cafeteria, Joey is eating with the tour guides as Ross enters.

15 lines

Older Scientist

Dr. Geller, there's a seat over here. (Motions to an empty chair at the 'white' table.)

ross

Ross

Thank you, Dr. Phillips, but I'm having my lunch at this table, here in the middle. I'm having lunch right here, with my good friend Joey, if he'll sit with me.

joey

Joey

(standing up) I will sit with you Dr. Geller. (He goes over to his table and they shake hands.)

ross

Ross

Y'know, we work in a museum of natural history, and yet there is something unnatural about the way we eat lunch. Now, I look around this cafeteria, and y'know what I see, I see-I see division. Division, between people in white coats and people in blue blazers, and I ask myself, "My God why?!" Now, I say we shed these-these coats that separate us, and we get to know the people underneath. (He takes off his coat and throws it down.) I'm Ross! I'm divorced, and I have a kid!

joey

Joey

(stands up, and throws his coat on the floor) I'm Joey! I'm an actor! I don't know squat about dinosaurs!

Another Tour Guide

(standing up and removing his coat) I'm Ted, and I just moved here a month ago, and New York really scares me.

ross

Ross

All right, there you go!

joey

Joey

Yeah, you hang in there Teddy!

Older Scientist

I'm Andrew, and I didn't pay for this pear.

ross

Ross

Okay, good-good for you.

Tour Guide

I'm Rhonda, (motions to her breasts) and these aren't real! (Joey and Ross look at each other, shocked)

ross

Ross

Wow, Rhonda.

Another Scientist

I'm Scott.

ross

Ross

Yeah, okay, Scott!

Another Scientist

And I need to flip the light switch on and off 17 times before I leave a room or my family will die.

Scene 10:Central Perk, Phoebe, with the puppy, Monica, and Rachel are sitting on the couch.

31 lines

phoebe

Phoebe

My mom's gonna be here any minute. I can't do this, I can't give him up. Yes-no, I can. I don't want to. But I can. No.

rachel

Rachel

Oo, I can't watch this, it's like Sophie's Choice.

monica

Monica

Y'know, I never saw that.

rachel

Rachel

Ooh, it was only okay.

phoebe

Phoebe

Ooh, I can't do this. My mom was right. If I can't-if I can't give him up, then there's no way I can give up a baby. Ohh, God, Frank and Alice are gonna be so crushed. What-what else, what else can I give 'em-a kidney!

Alice

(entering with Frank) Hi!

Frank

Hi!

Alice

Uhh, we were just in the neighbourhood, so...

Frank

Yeah, so we just thought we'd stop by and let you know there's still no pressure.

Alice

None. But if there was something you wanted to tell us, we're just gonna be right over there (points to the counter) having coffee.

phoebe

Phoebe

Okay.

Frank

(noticing the puppy) Oh, who's this little guy?! (Grabs the puppy)

phoebe

Phoebe

Oh! Ooh! Umm!

Frank

Oh, he's so cute, he reminds me of my old dog, Tumour.

Alice

You are so precious, I could just take you home.

phoebe

Phoebe

Hey, why don't you?

Frank

Are you serious?

phoebe

Phoebe

Uh-huh, yeah!

Frank

Oh, thanks.

monica

Monica

What are you doing?

phoebe

Phoebe

No, I'm really okay with this. Y'know why? 'Cause look at them, and I made that, so... I know it's gonna be like a million times harder to give up a baby but, oh my God, it's gonna feel like a million times better, right? I wanna do this. (To Frank and Alice) I wanna carry your baby.

Alice

(shocked) Oh! Oh! Oh! Thank you so much! You don't know what this means to us! Oh!

Frank

Oh my God, I think I'm gonna cry!

monica

Monica

It's gonna be so great.

phoebe

Phoebe

(entering) Hi! What's going on?

phoebe

Phoebe

Oh, I-I gave them the puppy and it made them so happy that I decided I'm gonna carry their baby.

phoebe

Phoebe

But Phoebe...

phoebe

Phoebe

No-no-no, I know, but you and I are different people though, and this is a totally different situation, and I know that I am not gonna regret this.

phoebe

Phoebe

Oh, I-I-I understand all that, but it's just-that was my puppy.

phoebe

Phoebe

Oh!

CLOSING CREDITS

Scene 11:Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are sitting at the table.

11 lines

monica

Monica

Would you ever be a surrogate for anyone?

rachel

Rachel

It depends on who asked.

monica

Monica

What if I asked?

rachel

Rachel

Oh, Mon, sure.

monica

Monica

Really?

rachel

Rachel

Yes. (Pause) You're not asking are you?

monica

Monica

No.

rachel

Rachel

Yes! Totally!

Kathy runs in, hair all out of place, and hugs Monica.

Kathy

Oh! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Yes! Thank you! (Runs back to Chandler)

END

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