Ross moves in with Chandler and Joey after being evicted. Phoebe dates a health inspector. Rachel plays hard-to-get with Danny.
16 Scenes307 Lines
Scene 1
Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are there. Joey is looking at a National Geographic and giggling.
23 lines
Chandler
Are you looking at naked tribe's women?
Joey
No, look. (Shows him the magazine.)
Chandler
That's a pig.
Joey
I know, I know, but look at the knobs on her.
(Ross enters and his hair is a mess.)
Chandler
Hey! (Joey quickly hides the magazine under the couch.)
Ross
Emily's cousin kicked me out!
Chandler
What?!
Joey
Why?
Ross
Well, when you're subletting an apartment from your wife's cousin and then you get a divorce, sometimes the cousin suddenly wants his apartment back.
Chandler
How can he do that? Didn't you sign a lease?
Ross
Who needs a lease when it's family!
Joey
Hey, you can stay with us! We'll take care of ya!
Chandler
Oh, yeah! Absolutely! Anything you need man! But you have to promise me the second you are feeling better so that we can make fun of your hair!
Joey
Yeah.
Ross
You got it.
Joey
Okay.
Ross
Thanks you guys, I really appreciate this. All right, I'm gonna get packing again. Man, I've been moving around so much I'm beginning to feel like a nomad.
(Joey starts giggling.)
Ross
What?
Chandler
He thought you said gonad.
(Joey busts out laughing.)
OPENING CREDITS
Scene 2
Monica's restaurant, she is getting inspected by the health department, Phoebe is watching.
29 lines
Health Inspector
Wow, Monica, if every restaurant is as clean as yours, I'd have a tough time making a living.
Monica
Oh, Larry.
Phoebe
Umm, do health inspectors work on commission?
Larry
No, bribes.
(Phoebe laughs.)
Phoebe
It's okay to laugh right?
Larry
Yeah, I was just kidding.
Phoebe
Okay. (She laughs harder.)
Larry
I'll check the kitchen floors.
Monica
Okay, knock yourself out, Larry.
(He goes into the kitchen.)
Phoebe
Yum-my!
Monica
Larry?
Phoebe
Oh yeah! I'd let him check out my kitchen floors.
Larry
(entering) A 98. I deducted 2 points because you are not wearing your chef's hat, and that is a Section 5 violation.
Monica
Uh, look, Larry honey, umm, I wrote the book on Section 5 and I know that you don't have to wear your hat unless you're in the kitchen.
Larry
And where is your hat?
Monica
It's in the kitchen, I'll go get it.
(She heads for the kitchen door and just after she goes through the door...)
Larry
Ahh that's the 2 points.
Phoebe
Hey, you should really read that book you wrote. (To Larry) Wow! You saw the hat in the kitchen and knew that she'd have to go in there hatless to get it. You can have your own health inspector detective show!
Larry
Oh, I don't know about that.
Phoebe
Yeah, but then I can be you sidekick Vunda.
Larry
Maybe uh, Vunda could give me her number and I can ask her to dinner sometime.
Phoebe
Okay, she would love that! Y'know, 'cause you know all the clean places to eat.
Larry
I-I'll call ya.
Phoebe
Okay.
(Larry goes to leave but heads the wrong way and makes a quick sidestep to go out the right door.)
Phoebe
He's so funny! (She imitates what he just did.)
Scene 3
Central Perk, Gunther is serving Monica and Rachel.
27 lines
Monica
Thanks.
Rachel
Thank you. (To Monica) Mon?
Monica
Hmm?
Rachel
How's Ross doing? Y'know since all the Emily stuff.
Monica
He's not great umm, but he's dealing with it. Oh wait a minute, you're not gonna try...
Rachel
Oh, honey, please, no, I can't get started with all that Ross stuff again. I mean, he's gonna screwed up for a looong time. And besides y'know, I don't, I don't go for guys right after they get divorced.
Monica
Right, you only go for them 5 minutes before they get married.
(Danny enters.)
Danny
(To Gunther) Two pounds of Moca Java please.
Monica
(To Monica) Danny. Are you guys ever gonna go out again?
Rachel
I don't know! He hasn't called me since that one time when we went out. I see him in the hallway, we flirt, I'm all ha-ha-ha-ha, and nothing.
Danny
(To them) Hey!
Rachel
Hi Danny! (Notices his box of liquor he's carrying.) Wow! Thirsty huh?
Danny
Uh, actually, actually, I'm having a party at my place on Saturday, it's sort of a house warming kind of thing.
Monica
Ohh, fun!
Rachel
Ohh, great!
Danny
Yeah, I'm really looking forward to it.
Rachel
Yeah.
Danny
Okay, see ya. (Heads out.)
Monica
Well, I guess we won't be warming his house.
Rachel
(laughs) Okay. All right, I see what he's doing! He's not asking me out, because he wants me to ask him out.
Monica
And you're not gonna do that.
Rachel
That's right! 'Cause that would give him the control! So now he's all ooh, coming up with this whole I've got a party thing y'know, trying to get me to hint around for an invitation. Blew up in his face, didn't it?
Monica
So-so there is no party.
Rachel
No, there's a party. There's a party. But the power, that is still up for grabs. You follow me?
Monica
I think so. Se, he-he's not inviting you to his party because he likes you.
Rachel
Exactly.
Scene 4
Chandler and Joey's, they're entering to find boxes strewn about the apartment.
12 lines
Joey
Ross?
Ross
(entering from the bathroom) Hey roomies!
Chandler
Love what you've done with the place.
Ross
Oh, yeah I know, I know, it's a lot of boxes, but again I really appreciate you guys letting me stay here.
Joey
Not a problem. And listen, hey! Since you're gonna be here for a while, why don't-I was thinking we uh, put your name on the answering machine.
Chandler
Oh yeah!
Ross
Oh, I uh, hope you don't mind, I kinda uh, jazzed it up a little. Check this out. (He plays the greeting, and We Will Rock You starts to play and Ross's voice comes over it.) We will, we will, call you back!
Joey
Hey, all right!
Ross
Pretty cool, huh?
(They both laugh as Ross heads back to the bathroom.)
Joey
(To Chandler) You're fake laughing too, right?
Chandler
Oh, the tears are real.
Scene 5
A restaurant, Phoebe and Larry are having dinner.
13 lines
Larry
You look beautiful this evening.
Phoebe
(smiles) Show me the badge again.
(He looks around and flashes her his badge and she laughs.)
Phoebe
Shiny.
Larry
Oh, will you mind if I wash up? Because I came straight from work and who knows where these babies (Holds up his hands) have been.
Phoebe
(laughing) You are just nonstop!
(He goes to the bathroom and Phoebe puts some pepper and salt on her food. With the salt she takes a bit and throws it over her left shoulder as she faces us.)
Larry
(coming back) We're outta here!
Phoebe
Why?!
Larry
Just walking past the kitchen I saw 10 violations! I'm shutting this place down!
Phoebe
(awed) You have the power to do that?
Larry
This does. (Shows her his badge.)
Phoebe
(excited) Shut it down.
Scene 6
Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is entering. As he closes the door, Joey pokes his head up from a box enclosure built using the 2 chairs.
9 lines
Joey
Hey.
Chandler
What are you doing?
Joey
Nothing.
Chandler
You built a fort didn't ya?
Joey
(smiles) Kinda.
Chandler
(notices something) Oh my God, the air purifier! Ross's air purifier! All I heard through 4 years of college was (makes a humming noise.)
Joey
Dude, you should've gone out once and a while.
Chandler
I hate this thing!
Joey
Come on, Chandler, Ross is our friend. He needs us right now, so why don't you be a grown up and come and watch some TV in the fort!
Scene 7
Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is opening the door.
18 lines
Rachel
Oh, hi Danny.
Danny
Hey guys, I just uh, wanted to invite you to the party tomorrow night.
Monica
Oh, thanks! We'll try to stop by.
Rachel
Uh, actually, I think I'm gonna be busy.
Monica
You are?
Rachel
Yeah! Remember I got that uh, gala.
Danny
Yeah, what's the gala for?
Rachel
It's a uh, regatta gala.
Danny
Really! You-you sail?
Rachel
No-no, but I support it.
Danny
Okay, (To Monica) hope I see you tomorrow night.
Monica
Okay.
Danny
Take care. (Leaves.)
Rachel
Okay. (Closes the door.) Walked right into that one didn't he?
Monica
What one? You wanted him to invite you to the party and he did it!
Rachel
Yeah, but he waited until the last minute! So if I said yes, he would know I had nothing better to do than wait around for an invitation to his stupid party. I said, "No!" Which puts me right back in the driver seat.
Monica
Great. So the ball is in his court?
Rachel
Ball? There is no ball.
Scene 8
Chandler and Joey's and Ross's, Ross is working on his computer and Joey is making a lot of noise.
25 lines
Ross
(glaring at him) Joey, please! (Motions to his computer.)
Joey
Sorry.
(Joey starts playing with a toy alligator and has it attack him.)
Joey
Ahhhhhhhhhh...
(Notices Ross looking at him and stops. Ross gives him his 'quiet down' maneuver. Okay, this may take a while to explain, so center this on you screen and place your hands about a foot apart with your fingers together and pointing straight up. Now take you fingers and point them at the other hand and making a 90-degree angle with each of your hands and the first knuckle counting up from the wrist. Now take your right hand, no your other right (that was for the dyslexics), and lower it a couple of inches, so that the fingers are pointing at your wrist. Now take your arms and keeping the elbows bent and your hands in front of you spread out your arms, kinda like making a bird's wing. Now hunch your shoulders over and move you hands up and down as if you are trying to tell some one to turn it down. That's Ross 'quiet down' maneuver. Well, there is an accompanying face, but I don't want to try and describe it as well.)
Chandler
(entering) Hello children!
Joey
Hey! Wanna play some foosball? Please?
Chandler
Okay. (Starts to head for where the foosball table usually is.)
Joey
No-no, no! We have to move the table into my room, yeah! 'Cause of all the boxes. Come on!
(They go into his bedroom.)
Joey
All right, I have one question. What is the deal with this? (Imitates Ross's 'quiet down' maneuver, but does move his hands up and down he just flaps his hands as if he's waving good-bye.)
Chandler
Bye-bye little puppet Joey hand?
Joey
No, the quiet down thing!
Chandler
You mean this. (Does the maneuver perfectly.)
Joey
Um-hmm! Look, I-I-I don't know how much more of this I can take! Did you know he taped over my Baywatch tape with some show about bugs! My God! What if that had been porn?
Chandler
(gasps) All right look, y'know, this maybe tough but come on, this is Ross! I survived college with him!
Joey
All right, I guess I can hold out a little longer. Let's have a game.
Chandler
Okay.
(They start playing.)
Chandler
No-no-no-no!
Joey
YES!!
Ross
(entering) Uh fellas, (Does the maneuver and gives them a double thumbs up, which Chandler returns as he closes the door.)
Chandler
Okay, so he's out of here.
Joey
Um-hmm.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Scene 9
Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe are there.
20 lines
Joey
(entering) Hey!
Monica
Hey!
Joey
You guys got anything to eat? I just went down to Johnos for some chicken and it was closed!
Phoebe
Oh, I took Larry there to eat but it was all violated. So we shut it down!
Joey
Pheebs, if this guy keeps closing down all of our favorite places, where are we gonna eat?!
Monica
I don't know, clean places?
Joey
Umm, yum!
(There's a knock on the door and Monica answers it.)
Monica
(looking through the peephole) It's Danny.
Rachel
Don't let him in! I'm supposed to be at a regatta gala.
Monica
(to Danny) We'll be right there! (To Rachel) Can't you just say it starts later?
Rachel
What? What kind of a regatta gala starts at night?!
Monica
The fake kind!
(She opens the door and Rachel hides behind it.)
Danny
Hey, hi, I need a ladle. You got a ladle?
Monica
We have a ladle. (Gives him one.)
Danny
Thanks, see you at the party.
Monica
Okay, great!
(He leaves and she closes the door.)
Phoebe
Hey, guys, you know what Larry would say? He would say, "See you ladle." (Laughs.)
Scene 10
Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, and Ross are there. Chandler and Joey are looking through the paper.
19 lines
Chandler
Well, I-I-I'm done with this. You want anything Ross? Sports? International? Apartment listings?
Ross
I'll take sports.
Joey
Mine! (He grabs it.)
Ross
All right. Uhh, international.
Joey
Oh that's mine too! (Grabs it and Ross looks at him.) I'm Italian!
Ross
Well, I guess I can check out those apartment listings, even though there's never anything in here.
Chandler
Not even on page 7?
Ross
(looks) Oh yeah! You're-hey, you're right! Here's an affordable place, (reading ad) two bedroom, close to work, ooh, it's available in five weeks!
Chandler
What about that circled one?
Ross
Oh, I-I don't know, it's kind of expensive for a studio.
Joey
But it's available now! Isn't it?
Chandler
Yes, it is.
Joey
Hey, let's go look at it! (They both jump up.)
Ross
Okay, let's go.
Joey
Okay!
Chandler
There we go!
Ross
Oh-oh-ooh, hey guys, I was wondering if you guys would uh, maybe chip in on some new air filters for the air purifier? I mean after all, we all are using it.
Chandler
Let's go quicker.
Joey
Yeah!
Scene 11
The apartment in the listing, the guys are checking it out. There's one problem though, it's roughly the size of this computer screen. As they enter Joey lets out a whistle.
17 lines
Ross
Oh my God! (Looking around, which doesn't take him long.)
Chandler
Yeah, well look at this kitchen, slash bathroom. Well that's great! Y'know so you can cook while in the tub.
Joey
Somebody was using his head. Hey, let's check out the rest of the place.
(They don't move, just look all around them.)
Ross
I think this is it. I don't know, maybe we should keep looking.
Joey
But hey, Ross, this place is available now!
Chandler
Yeah, you don't want to be stuck with us for the next five weeks.
Joey
Yeah.
(He looks at them.)
Ross
(To Joey) So, you-you think I should go ahead and take this place?
Joey
Oh, it's perfect!
Ross
(To Chandler) How about you?
Chandler
It's a kitchen slash bathroom.
Ross
All right, I see what you guys are saying. I'll uh, I'll go downstairs and fill out an application.
(He exits.)
Chandler
We are bad people.
Joey
He knew we were trying to get rid of him. He knew! (Pause.) You think we could get a bathtub in our kitchen?
Scene 12
Central Perk, Phoebe is there waiting for Larry.
15 lines
Larry
(entering) Hey, ready for dinner?
Phoebe
Ooh, absolutely!
Larry
Great! How about you wanted to go the Italian place down on Bleaker Street right?
Phoebe
Ooh, I love that place! (Thinks about it.) So, no.
Larry
How about Mama Lisettie's?
Phoebe
Enh. Sure!
Larry
(notices something) I wonder how long that milk (on the counter) has been setting out.
Phoebe
Oh, no-no, this place is totally healthy! That-this milk is mine. I bought this today, 'cause I was thirsty for milk, y'know. (She takes a swig of it, but has to turn away from him as she makes a face to show that it has gone bad.) Okay, let's go!
(Just as they're about to leave, Gunther comes out of the back carrying two garbage bags. Larry sees this and stops him.)
Larry
Hey, buddy! (Flashes his badge.) Are you familiar with Section 11-B of the Health Code that requires all refuse material out the back exit?
Gunther
But then I'd have to go all the way around the dry cleaner place.
Larry
Oh, so you're saying you'd choose convenience over health?!
Phoebe
Okay, stop! Larry, okay, can't you just be Larry and not Larry the health inspector guy? Y'know I mean it was really exciting at first but now it's like, okay, so where are we gonna eat ever?
Larry
Well, I suppose I could give him a warning.
Phoebe
Thank you. (To Gunther, who's standing there frozen) Okay, go! Go! Go! (He runs off.) (To Larry) Now, if after dinner you still really need to bust someone, I know a hot dog vendor who picks his nose.
Scene 13
Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and Joey are lamenting about how they kicked Ross out.
16 lines
Joey
Maybe, maybe we did a good thing, helping Ross get back on his feet!
Chandler
Yes that was a nice place!
Joey
Yeah!
Chandler
Not a lot of closet space, but he can just hang his stuff out the window in a bag!
Joey
Yeah!
(Pause.)
Chandler
What are we gonna do?
Joey
I don't know. Maybe pizza?
Chandler
About Ross!
Joey
Oh! Oh!
(The phone rings and Joey answers it.)
Joey
Hello! (Listens.) Oh yeah! (To Chandler) It's the apartment manager; Ross put us down as references. (To the apartment manager.) Ross is the greatest guy you'll ever meet! Yeah, he's very reliable.
Chandler
(grabbing the phone) Of course he has this big huge dog! That uh, barks into the night. (Listens.) Well, who doesn't love dogs? (Thinks.) Ah, he's a tap dancer! (Listens.) Yes, some would say that is a lost art. (Thinks.) He's a pimp! (Listens.) There you go! Yes, he's a pimp. He's a big, tap dancing pimp! (Pause.) Hello?
(The apartment manager hung up on him and he hangs up the phone and throws in on the chair. Joey motions, "What the hell was that?" Chandler makes a face to say, "Think about it." Joey tries to divide 136 by 13; he's confused. Suddenly, light dawns on yonder dunder head. He gets it.)
Chandler
Ohhhhh!
(Joey motions, "Now, that's thinking!")
Scene 14
Downstairs at Danny's party, Monica and Rachel are coming down the stairs and Rachel has on a coat to make it look as if she's just getting back. But just as they reach the landing they see Danny out in the hall talking to a guest, Rachel then quickly pulls Monica back up the stairs.
34 lines
Rachel
Shoot, shoot, this is never gonna work! He's right there!
Monica
Just go over and say hi.
Rachel
No, I have to go downstairs and come back up as if I'm coming home from the regatta gala. Okay? So just go distract him. But don't be sexy.
(Monica obeys.)
Monica
Hey, Danny!
Danny
Hey! What's going on?
Monica
(turns his back to the stairs) Oh, it's a great party! Great food. Y'know, most parties it's all chips and salsa, chips and salsa. (As she's saying this Rachel tries to head downstairs but is blocked by people coming upstairs. She quickly retreats back up the stairs.) (Sees that she has to keep him distracted longer.) So umm, what's this? (Points to his plate.)
Danny
Salad.
Monica
Ooooh! (Rachel now succeeds in getting downstairs.) And-and-and what-what's this? (Points again.)
Danny
Bread. Aren't you a chef?
(Rachel returns.)
Monica
(upon seeing Rachel she points) Oh.
Danny
Hey! Rachel!
Rachel
Hey! Oh right, tonight was your party.
Danny
Oh wow, you look great! Glad you could make it.
Rachel
Oh well, y'know, the gala had to end sometime.
Danny
Don't go anywhere, I'll be right back. (He heads off.)
Rachel
Yeah, sure. (To Monica) All right, whose court is the ball in now?
Monica
I thought there wasn't a ball?
Rachel
Oh, come on! He's glad that I came, he doesn't want me to go anywhere, balls flying all over the place!
Danny
(returning, with a friend) Rachel, this is my friend Tom. (To Tom) This is the girl I told you about.
Rachel
Oh, go on! You telling people about me?
Danny
You two could really hit it off! I'm gonna go mingle. (Leaves.)
Tom
So you work at Bloomingdale's, huh? My mom calls it Bloomies.
Rachel
(laughs) Yeah, okay, at ease solider!
Tom
I'm sorry?
Rachel
No, it's all right, you can just drop the act Tommy. I know what's going on here. Your Danny's wingman right? You guys are best buds. Frat bros!
Tom
I'm gonna go talk to uh, a friend.
Rachel
Yeah, yeah, you go talk to your friend. You tell him, "Nice try."
(He walks off.)
Rachel
Man! He just keeps lobbing them up and I just keep knocking them right out of the park!
Monica
I think I need a drink.
Rachel
Yeah!
(They go get a drink.)
Scene 15
Chandler and Joey's, Ross still has boxes all over the place. Joey is wearing a football helmet, and Chandler is spinning him around in one of the chairs and counting.
24 lines
Chandler
98. 99. 100. Okay, go!
Joey
(getting up) Dude, I'm telling ya! I'm fine! (He tries to take a step and falls flat on his face.)
(He tries to get up again and starts falling backwards and Chandler catches him.)
Chandler
Here we go! Here we go!
(Ross enters.)
Joey
Hey!
Chandler
Hey!
Ross
Hey. So I uh, I didn't get that apartment. Some problem with my application.
Joey
You're kidding!
Chandler
You're kidding, no!
Ross
Yeah. But, the good news is that Phoebe said that I could stay at her place for a while. So...
Joey
But you can't stay with Phoebe, Ross! We're-we're roomies!
Ross
Look, you guys don't need me here taking up your space.
Joey
Well, we got plenty of space! There-there's still some over there (Points to where the window is but sees that there isn't any space there and points towards his door.) by-by that speaker. Please, just stay!
Chandler
Yeah!
Ross
Are you guys sure about this?
Joey
Definitely!
Chandler
Yes! Ross, you have to stay!
Ross
All right.
Joey
All right!
Chandler
All right, buddy!
Ross
So I'm a pimp huh? It's okay! Look, I know that sometimes I can be a pain in the ass, but you just have to talk to me. Tell me if something is bothering you. Okay? And for my part I will do everything I can to keep my annoying habits just (Does the 'quiet down' maneuver).
(Chandler and Joey smile, but when Ross turns away look at each other with looks of horror.)
CLOSING CREDITS
Scene 16
Chandler and Joey's and Ross's, Chandler is entering and when he closes the door Joey pops his head out of the fort like before, but this time he's wearing a cowboy hat.
6 lines
Chandler
Well, I see you've had a very productive day. Don't you think the cowboy hat is a little much?
Ross
(popping up behind Joey wearing an Indian headdress) Come on, it's fun!
Chandler
All right! (He joins them in the fort and comes up putting on a bonnet.) Isn't this a woman's hat?
