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S05E16

The One With A Cop

Joey dreams he's in love with Monica. Phoebe finds a police badge, and Ross struggles to move his new sofa.

13 Scenes291 Lines

Scene 1:Chandler and Joey's, Monica and Chandler are sitting on one of the chairs doing a crossword puzzle.

12 lines
joey
Joey
Hey!
chandler
Chandler
Hey!
monica
Monica
Hey!
joey
Joey
What are you guys doing up?
chandler
Chandler
Oh, we wanted to finish the crossword before we went to bed. Hey, do you know a six-letter word for red?
joey
Joey
(thinks) Dark red.
chandler
Chandler
Yeah, I think that's wrong, but there's a Connect the Dots in here for you later. (To Monica) Hey, how about maroon?
monica
Monica
(checks to see if it works) Yes, you are so smart! (Kisses him.)
joey
Joey
Aww, you guys are so cute!
monica
Monica
I know.
joey
Joey
All right, I'll see you in the morning.
chandlermonica
Chandler & Monica
Okay.

Scene 2:Joey's bedroom, time lapse. He's asleep and dreaming. In his dream he's doing the crossword puzzle with...wait for it...Monica!

9 lines
Dream Monica
Y'know, I love doing crossword puzzles with you honey!
Dream Joey
Aww, me too. Now let's finish this and go to bed.
Dream Monica
Okay! There's only one left, three letter word, not dog but...
Dream Joey
Cat.
Dream Monica
Yes! You are so smart! (Kisses him.) I love you.
Dream Joey
I love you too.
They hug.
[Cut back to Joey in bed, he's smiling, enjoying the dream as he wakes up. Suddenly, he realized what he was dreaming about and bolts upright in bed.]
OPENING CREDITS

Scene 3:Central Perk, everyone is there but Ross and Joey. Gunther hands them the bill, and Chandler gives some money to pay it.

21 lines
rachel
Rachel
(looking at the bill) Uhh, we still need a tip.
phoebe
Phoebe
All right. Hold on. (She starts digging in the chair.) I got it. Nickel! (Donates it.) How much more do we need?
rachel
Rachel
A couple of bucks.
phoebe
Phoebe
Okay, dime! (Donates that.) You guys should probably keep talking; this could take a while. (Finds something else.) Oh no, wait! Look it! Whoa! (Looks at it.) Oh my God, this is a police badge!
monica
Monica
Wow!
chandler
Chandler
Oh that's so cool! Why would a cop come in here though? They don't serve donuts. (No one laughs.) Y'know what actually, could you discover the badge again? I think I can come up with something better than that.
rachel
Rachel
Phoebe, I bet somebody's missing that badge.
phoebe
Phoebe
Yeah, I should probably take it back. Ooh, but you know what? While I'm at the police station, I could check their Ten Most Wanted lists because my friend Fritzy has been like number 11 forever, so this could be her year! (She crosses her fingers in hope.)
joey
Joey
(entering) Hey, you guys!
chandler
Chandler
Hey!
rachel
Rachel
Hey Joey!
monica
Monica
Hey.
joey
Joey
(To Monica) Hey. That uh, that my sweatshirt?
monica
Monica
Oh yes, it is. I'm sorry I borrowed it, I was cold. I hope its okay?
joey
Joey
Well uh, it's just that uh, y'know if-if you're gonna be wearing someone's sweatshirt shouldn't it be your boyfriends--and I'm not him.
monica
Monica
I'm sorry, I'll give it back to you.
joey
Joey
No-no! No! I mean it's gonna be all smelling like Monica!
monica
Monica
Are you saying I smell bad?
joey
Joey
No! No, you smell like a meadow. (Pause.) I'm sorry. (Runs to the bathroom.)
monica
Monica
What's with him?
chandler
Chandler
Oh, y'know what? The last time Joey went to a meadow, his mother was shot by a hunter.

Scene 4:A couch store, Ross is trying to decide on a new couch for his place. He has dragged Rachel along for the trip, and she's not too happy about it. Ross is sitting on it in different ways to see how it feels. He tries to just sit on it normally, and then he tries flopping on it. One thing about this couch, it's huge. It's like twice the size of a normal full size couch. Whoever designed this thing, needs help and fast.

32 lines
rachel
Rachel
(disgusted at Ross's antics) Ugh!
ross
Ross
(To Rachel) Yeah, I still don't know. (To the salesman who is hovering nearby) I'm sorry I just wanna make sure that I bought the right couch. I need a couch that says, "Kids welcome here." But that also says, (In a sexy voice) "Come here to me!"
rachel
Rachel
What?! You say that to kids?!!
ross
Ross
No! No! No! The "Come here to me" is y'know for the ladies.
rachel
Rachel
Ross, honey, it's a nice couch. It's not a magic couch.
The Salesman
You picked a great couch.
ross
Ross
Yeah?
The Salesman
Yeah. Could you just sign right here please? (Hands him a clipboard.)
ross
Ross
Oh, sure. Whoa-whoa, what's this? The delivery charge is almost as much as the couch!
rachel
Rachel
Wait! No, that's ridiculous. Come on, he lives three blocks away!
ross
Ross
Yeah, y'know what? I'll take it myself, thank you! (He signs the form and hands it back to the salesman.) All right Rach, let's go! (He picks up one end of the couch.)
rachel
Rachel
Yeah! (She puts on her coat and turns around and sees Ross is expecting her to help.) (Laughing.) Are you kiddin'?
ross
Ross
Oh, come on it's only three blocks! And-and, it's not very heavy, try it! Come on! Come on!
rachel
Rachel
(Disgustedly she goes and tries to pick up the couch. Much to her amazement, she is successful.) Oh. Oh! I can do it!
ross
Ross
Yeah!
The Salesman
You two are really gonna enjoy that couch.
ross
Ross
Oh yeah, we're uh, yeah we're not together. (He starts backing out of the store.)
The Salesman
Ohh, okay. (Laughs.) Something didn't quite add up there. (Ross stops, walks back to talk to the salesman, and in the process pushes Rachel up against a wall.)
rachel
Rachel
Ross!
ross
Ross
What's that supposed to mean?
rachel
Rachel
Ross!
The Salesman
Well you, her, I mean, she's very...y'know. And you're like...y'know.
ross
Ross
Not that it's any of your business, but we did go out.
The Salesman
Really? You two?
ross
Ross
Yeah! Rach?
rachel
Rachel
Come on, I don't really want to be doing this right now. I am carrying a very heavy couch.
ross
Ross
Then tell him quickly.
rachel
Rachel
(To Ross) Fine! (To the salesman) We went out.
ross
Ross
Not only did we go out, we did it 298 times!
rachel
Rachel
Ross!! Oh my--ugh!! You kept count?! You are such a loser!
ross
Ross
A loser you did it with (To the salesman) 298 times!
Rachel pushes on the couch and pushes Ross out the door.

Scene 5:Outside of Central Perk, Phoebe is exiting and sees a woman put out her cigarette on a tree.

15 lines
phoebe
Phoebe
Oh. Oh! Ma'am? Excuse me, ma'am?
The Smoking Woman
Yes?
phoebe
Phoebe
You can't put your cigarette out on a tree!
The Smoking Woman
Yeah I can, it worked real well.
phoebe
Phoebe
No but you shouldn't! Don't ever do that again.
The Smoking Woman
I won't! (Turns away) Until I have my next cigarette.
phoebe
Phoebe
Hold it! (Grabs the badge) N.Y.P.D! Freeze punk!
The Smoking Woman
What?!
phoebe
Phoebe
Yeah that's right you are so busted. (To no one in particular.) Book 'em.
The Smoking Woman
Who are you talking too?
phoebe
Phoebe
Save it Red! Unless you wanna spend the night in the slammer, you apologize to the tree.
The Smoking Woman
I am not going to apologize to a tree!
phoebe
Phoebe
You apologize to the tree right now or I am calling for backup. (The woman calls her bluff.) (Screaming at no one in particular) Backup! Backup!!
The Smoking Woman
I-I'm sorry! Sorry.
phoebe
Phoebe
Okay, cancel backup! Cancel backup!

Scene 6:Ross's building's lobby, he and Rachel are about to attempt to take the couch upstairs.

14 lines
ross
Ross
Okay. (Throws off the last cushion.)
rachel
Rachel
Ross, didn't you say that there was an elevator in here?
ross
Ross
Uhh, yes I did but there isn't. Okay, here we go.
They start the attempt. Ross is going backwards and reaches the first landing. This staircase has three steps then a landing, makes a 90-degree turn, and has more steps before another landing and another 90-degree turn.
ross
Ross
Okay, go left. Left! Left! (The bottom of the couch is hitting the railing.)
rachel
Rachel
Okay, y'know what? There is no more left, left!
ross
Ross
Oh okay, lift it straight up over your head! Straight up over your head! You can do it! You can do it! (She gets it lifted up and they make the first turn.) Okay. You got it?
rachel
Rachel
Yeah.
ross
Ross
Good-good-good.
rachel
Rachel
Oh-oh!
She can't stay at the end as the couch rounds the turn so she shifts to the back corner of the couch and is at a 90-degree angle to it.
ross
Ross
Yeah, you got it right? You got it right? You got it?
She don't got it as the couch slips out of their grips and falls over the bottom railing.
rachel
Rachel
Any chance you think the couch looks good there?

Scene 7:Chandler and Joey's, Phoebe is telling Chandler and Monica how she fought crime in her own way with the badge she found.

47 lines
phoebe
Phoebe
...so this guy was all (Mumbles.) And I'm all, Buffay, Homicide. (Flashes the badge.) It was just so cool!
monica
Monica
(cooking something) Phoebe, you were supposed to take that back!
phoebe
Phoebe
I know but I'm having so much fun doing good deeds.
chandler
Chandler
Okay, but impersonating a police officer is a serious thing. You could get arrested.
phoebe
Phoebe
You could get arrested, right now! (Flashes the badge and they glare at her.) All right, yeah, I gotta take it back. I'm totally drunk with power. (She heads for the door just as Joey enters.)
phoebe
Phoebe
(To Joey) Hey.
joey
Joey
(To Phoebe) Hey! (Sees that Monica's there.) Oh.
chandler
Chandler
Hi, Joe.
joey
Joey
Yeah, I didn't know you guys were going to be here.
monica
Monica
Hey Joey, sweetie, taste this. (Holds out a spoon for him.)
joey
Joey
(backing away) What?! Why?!
monica
Monica
What is going on with you?
joey
Joey
Nothing!
chandler
Chandler
Oh, come on! You've been acting strange all day!
joey
Joey
All right! There is something. I kinda had a dream, (pause) but I don't want to talk about it. (Starts for his room.)
chandler
Chandler
Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-what-what if Martin Luther King had said that? (Imitating what his famous speech would sound like.) I kinda have a dream! I don't want to talk about it.
joey
Joey
Well, it involved Monica.
chandler
Chandler
You had a dream about a girl that I am seeing?! Oh, that is so cool! (To Monica) I can't tell you how many times I've dreamt about a girl that he was seeing. (Seeing Monica's stare.) (To Joey) Anyway we're talking about your dream. (To Monica) I love you. (To Joey) Your dream? (Leans in to listen closely.)
joey
Joey
Don't worry, there wasn't any sex in it or anything. I haven't dreamt about her like that since I found out about you two--ish.
monica
Monica
What was the dream about?
joey
Joey
Well, okay. You were my girlfriend and we were doing the crossword puzzle. Y'know like you guys were doing last night. So, that's it. I'm in love with Monica and I'll be moving out.
monica
Monica
Wait, Joey! Joey! That doesn't mean that-that you're in love with me!
joey
Joey
It-it doesn't?
monica
Monica
No!
chandler
Chandler
No, it can mean anything. Like uh, all of the sudden you're jealous because I've become the apartment stud.
joey
Joey
That kinda sounds like your dream dude.
monica
Monica
Or, it could mean that-that you saw Chandler and me together and we y'know were being close and stuff and then you just want to have that with someone too.
joey
Joey
In the dream I did enjoy the closeness.
monica
Monica
Um-hmm.
chandler
Chandler
Joey, look, are you attracted to Monica? Right here, right now, are you attracted to her?
joey
Joey
(looks at her) Not really.
chandler
Chandler
Well there you have it!
monica
Monica
Well sure! I'm just wearing sweats! (Looking at Chandler and slowly realizing what his point is.) But that's good that you're not in love with me, because you just want a girlfriend!
joey
Joey
No, I don't think it's just about just getting a girlfriend. Y'know? I mean, yeah, I can get a girlfriend! Yeah, we could sit in the chair and do crosswords, but y'know are we ever going to have y'know the closeness like-like you guys have?
chandler
Chandler
Well y'know, Monica and I were friends before we started dating. So maybe-maybe that's it?
joey
Joey
Friends first? That's interesting.
monica
Monica
You become friends after?
joey
Joey
No, never done that either.
rachel
Rachel
(entering) Hey, umm, do you guys have that tape measure?
chandler
Chandler
Oh yeah, it's actually in my bedroom.
Monica and Chandler both remember a special moment between them.
monica
Monica
(laughing) That's right.
They realize the implication of their behavior, stop instantly and head for his bedroom. In the meanwhile, Joey is starring at Rachel in a seductive way.
rachel
Rachel
(noticing him) What's up Joey?
joey
Joey
(in a sexy voice) How you doin'?
Rachel is stunned.
COMMERCIAL BREAK

Scene 8:Outside Central Perk, Phoebe is walking up and notices a car that is parked half on the curb and right in front of the door, making it difficult for people to enter Central Perk.

21 lines
phoebe
Phoebe
Excuse me, is this your car?
Guy
Yeah.
phoebe
Phoebe
Well I don't think it's very nice of you to park here, y'know you're blocking the entrance.
Guy
Don't worry about it. It's not a problem.
phoebe
Phoebe
Well, it's a problem for me, which means it's a problem for you 'cause I'm a cop. (Shows the badge.)
Guy
(he reaches into the car and slams his siren on the roof.) So am I!
phoebe
Phoebe
Ohh, no. (Pause) Oh okay, so you're a cop which means you can park anywhere, 'cause I know that 'cause I'm a cop too. So, all right, keep up the good work. 10-4. (Tries to leave.)
Cop
(stopping her) Hey, wait a second! So wait, what precinct are you with?
phoebe
Phoebe
I-I'm with the umm, the 57th.
Cop
Oh, I know a guy in homicide up there.
phoebe
Phoebe
I'm in vice. Yeah, in fact I'm undercover right now. I'm a whore.
Cop
Who-who else is in vice up there?
phoebe
Phoebe
Umm, do you know, umm Sipowicz?
Cop
Sipowicz? No, I don't think so.
phoebe
Phoebe
Yeah, big guy, kinda bald.
Cop
No, I don't know him.
phoebe
Phoebe
(starts to walk away, but stops) Don't try to call him or anything, 'cause he's not there, he's out. His umm, his partner just died.
Cop
Wow umm, tell Sipowicz I'm real sorry for his loss.
phoebe
Phoebe
I-I sure will, take care. (Starts walking off.)
Cop
(following her) Hey by the way, I'm sure Sipowicz is gonna be all right. I heard that kid from Silver Spoons is really good. (Phoebe's stunned) And where did you find my badge?
phoebe
Phoebe
Oh. (She starts laughing. Then she throws the badge at him and runs away.)

Scene 9:Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering. Rachel is there getting some tools to help Ross out.

19 lines
rachel
Rachel
Hey! Joey, would you mind giving me and Ross a hand moving his couch?
joey
Joey
Oh, I'd love too, but I got acting class. But y'know what? I guess I can blow that off, (In a sexy voice) for you.
He starts staring at her longingly.
rachel
Rachel
Thanks!
joey
Joey
Uh, hey, Rach let me ask you something. Uh, I was just over there talking to Monica and Chandler, boy they are really tight.
rachel
Rachel
I know.
joey
Joey
Yeah that's not such a bad situation they got going over there. I'm thinking of getting me one of those.
rachel
Rachel
What's up Joe?
joey
Joey
Well, the reason I think Monica and Chandler are so great...
rachel
Rachel
Yeah?
joey
Joey
...is because they were friends first. Y'know? So I asked myself, "Who are my friends?" You and Phoebe, and I saw you first. So...
rachel
Rachel
(laughing) What are you saying?
joey
Joey
I'm saying maybe you and I crank it up a notch.
rachel
Rachel
Y'know honey, umm, as uh, as flattered as I am that uh, you saw me first, uhh, I just, I-I don't think we should be cranking anything up.
joey
Joey
I'll treat you real nice. (Pulls out a chair for her.)
rachel
Rachel
(laughs and pushes the chair back in) Yeah, well, y'know umm... No honey, listen I think it's a great idea to become friends with someone before you date them, but I think the way you do it is y'know you meet someone, become their friend, build a foundation, then you ask them out on a date. Don't hit on your existing friends!
joey
Joey
Won't-won't that take longer?
rachel
Rachel
Yeah. Yeah. Oh, but once you find it, ohh it's so worth the wait.
joey
Joey
Yeah. I understand. I understand. (Pause) Man, I wish I saw Phoebe first!

Scene 10:Ross's 'Pivot!' Staircase Escalation

40 lines
The lobby of Ross's building, he's sitting on the couch at the bottom of the stairs, and he's practicing enticing women to join him on the couch.
Overconfident planner vs physical realityComedic EscalationRule of ThreePhysical Comedy

Built on a classic Rule of Three escalation: Ross starts with a colour-coded architectural sketch, escalates to barking military-style commands ('Turn! Turn!'), and peaks by shouting 'Pivot!' six times at higher and higher pitch while Chandler is crushed against the stairwell wall.

  • Beat 1 (The Sketch): Ross establishes unearned authority by unveiling a hand-drawn diagram before anyone touches the sofa.
  • Beat 2 (The Sandwich): Ross takes the top of the stairs while Chandler is trapped beneath the sofa's weight against the banister.
  • Beat 3 (The Vocal Spiral): As the sofa wedges solid, Ross substitutes volume for geometry, barking 'Pivot!' until Chandler snaps with a triple 'Shut up!'.
ross
Ross
Come here to me. No-no, you come here to me.
rachel
Rachel
(entering) Hey Ross! I brought reinforcements.
ross
Ross
Oh great! What, you brought Joey?
rachel
Rachel
Well, I brought the next best thing.
chandler
Chandler
(entering) Hey!
ross
Ross
Chandler?! You brought Chandler?! The next best thing would be Monica!
chandler
Chandler
Y'know, I would be offended, but Monica is freakishly strong, so...
ross
Ross
[Breakdown]
Look, I-I drew a sketch about how we're gonna do it. (Showing them) Okay Rach, (points to the sketch) that's you. That's the couch. (Points again.)
escalationBeat 1: The Over-Engineered Sketch

The comedy starts by giving Ross total confidence in a theoretical diagram before the sofa even leaves the lobby floor.

rachel
Rachel
Whoa-oh, what's-what's that? (Points.)
ross
Ross
Oh, that's me.
rachel
Rachel
Wow! You certainly think a lot of yourself.
ross
Ross
No! That's-that's my arm!
chandler
Chandler
(looking at the sketch) Oh, I see. I thought you just really, really liked your new couch.
ross
Ross
Y'know what? Just-just follow my lead.
Chandler and Ross head for opposite ends of the couch.
rachel
Rachel
Okay!
chandler
Chandler
Okay.
ross
Ross
Come on, Chandler.
They pick up the couch and after throwing off the last pillow; Rachel helps out on Chandler's end.
ross
Ross
All right. (They start up the stairs. Ross is first.) Okay, here we go!
Chandler has moved forward and is now underneath the couch as it heads up the first set of stairs.
ross
Ross
All right, ready?
chandler
Chandler
Yeah.
ross
Ross
Turn.
chandler
Chandler
(straining) Okay.
ross
Ross
Turn! Turn!
As they turn the couch, Chandler gets sandwiched between the railing and the couch.
chandler
Chandler
Okay, I don't think we can turn anymore!
rachel
Rachel
Ross, I don't, I just don't think it's going to fit.
ross
Ross
[Breakdown]
Oh yeah it will! Come on, up! Up-up-up! Up! Yes! Here we go! Pivot! (They start up the stairs again. Chandler is between the couch and the wall now.) Pivot! Piv-ot! Piv-et!! Piv-ett!!! Piv-et!
escalationBeat 2: Six 'Pivots' in Rising Pitch

David Schwimmer's vowel distortion ('Pivot! Piv-ot! Piv-et!! Piv-ett!!!') turns a single furniture-moving instruction into a manic vocal crescendo while the sofa moves zero inches.

→See the blooper reel in S07E24 (#S1L249)
chandler
Chandler
[Breakdown]
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!!
escalationBeat 3: The Triple-Beat Release

Matthew Perry mirrors Ross's rhythmic repetition with three escalating 'Shut up!' barks, puncturing Ross's delusion.

They set the couch down.
ross
Ross
Okay, I don't think it's going to pivot anymore.
chandlerrachel
Chandler & Rachel
You think?!
ross
Ross
All right, let's uh, let's bring it back down and-and try again.
As they start back down the couch drops a little bit and gets jammed. They try to free it to no avail.
chandler
Chandler
Okay, yeah, I think it's really stuck now.
ross
Ross
I can't believe that didn't work!
rachel
Rachel
I know, me neither! I mean, you had a sketch!
chandler
Chandler
[Breakdown]
Oh, y'know, what did you mean when you said pivot?
callbackThe Deadpan Button

After the sofa is wedged immovably in the stairwell, Chandler closes the scene by calmly asking what 'pivot' was supposed to mean in the first place.

Scene 11:Chandler and Joey's, Joey is returning and finds Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there.

11 lines
joey
Joey
(entering) Hey!
rachel
Rachel
Hey! How's it going? Did you make any new friends?
joey
Joey
Yeah, yeah, I met this woman. (Starts for his room.)
chandler
Chandler
(stopping him) Hey, whoa-whoa! What's she like?
joey
Joey
Uhh, well, she's...really good in bed.
monica
Monica
Joey, I thought you were gonna try to be friends first!
joey
Joey
(To Rachel) Well look, hey, it's all your fault!
rachel
Rachel
What?! Why?!
joey
Joey
Well because you didn't give me advice! No! You gave me a pickup line! As soon as I told her I wanted to y'know, build a foundation and be friends first. I suddenly, through no fault of my own, became irresistible to her! (Pause) And her roommate!
monica
Monica
What about the closeness?
joey
Joey
Closeness-shmoshness! There was three of us for crying out loud!

Scene 12:Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering with a pizza and finds everyone but Ross there.

39 lines
joey
Joey
(entering) All right! Hey, who wants pizza?!
chandler
Chandler
Ooh, I do! I do! I do!
They all walk over to get a slice.
joey
Joey
(taking a bite) Oh, great! Can you believe I found it on the second floor?
They all throw their pieces back as there is a knock on the door.
monica
Monica
Who is it?
Voice
N.Y.P.D!!
phoebejoey
Phoebe & Joey
Oh my God!
joey
Joey
Uhh, just a minute officer!!
He throws his piece back in the box, runs into the living room, looks for a place to hide the pizza, finds one, slides the box under the couch, sits down on the table, and tries to quickly chew the food in his mouth.
Cop
I'm looking for Phoebe Buffay!
phoebe
Phoebe
Ooh, God, it's him! It's that cop! God, I can't believe it! He found me!
rachel
Rachel
Oh my God, Phoebe, are you gonna go to jail?!
phoebe
Phoebe
Well, if I'm going down, I'm taking you (Points at all of them) with me. (They all look at her.) Harboring a fugitive? That's one to three years minimum. Good luck Chandler. (She opens the door to the cop from before.) Okay, you can arrest me. Fine. But you'll never make it stick and you know it!
Cop
Yeah, but I kinda don't have a choice, it's my job. I mean, you understand right?
phoebe
Phoebe
Yep! As long as you understand that I'm going to call my lawyer and once he puts you on the stand he'll make you look like a fool. A fool!
Cop
I don't like looking foolish. Y'know what? Maybe uh, I don't arrest you today. Maybe I came by and you weren't here.
phoebe
Phoebe
I would love it if I weren't here!
Cop
Okay, so since umm, you're not going to jail tonight I was wondering if you would like to go to dinner with me?
phoebe
Phoebe
Me?!
Cop
Yeah. Ever since you flashed my badge at me, I kinda can't stop thinking about you. You're the prettiest, fake undercover whore I've ever seen.
chandlerjoey
Chandler & Joey
Nice!
phoebe
Phoebe
Wow! I didn't see that coming! You're-you're asking me out!
Cop
Yeah. I mean, I coulda done it better, but these people keep staring at me.
phoebe
Phoebe
Umm, yeah, I'd like to go out with you officer...
Cop
Gary.
phoebe
Phoebe
Gary.
Gary
Okay, so it's a date.
phoebe
Phoebe
Yeah! So--ooh, I gotta ask you though. How did you know where to find me?
Gary
Well you're fingerprints were all over my badge so I just ran it through the computer and this was listed as your last known address so I just checked it out.
phoebe
Phoebe
Ohh, impressive.
Gary
Not as impressive as you. I gotta tell you, I looked at your record and you've done some pretty weird stuff.
phoebe
Phoebe
Yeah, we'll talk at dinner.
Gary
Okay. (He starts to leave.) So I'll come by in a couple hours and pick you up?
phoebe
Phoebe
All right, I can't wait!
Gary
Okay. And don't worry, I'm not just gonna take you out for donuts.
Chandler busts out laughing and everyone just looks at him.
chandler
Chandler
(To Rachel) He has a gun!
CLOSING CREDITS

Scene 13:The couch store, Ross is talking to a saleswoman.

11 lines
ross
Ross
I'd like to return this couch. I'm not satisfied with it.
[The camera cuts to show the couch, which has been cut in half.]
The Saleswoman
You wanna return this couch? (Ross nods yes.) It's cut in half!
ross
Ross
That's what I'm telling you.
The Saleswoman
Did you cut this couch in half?
ross
Ross
This couch, is cut in half! I would like to exchange it for one that is not cut in half!
The Saleswoman
You're telling me this couch was delivered to you like this?!
ross
Ross
Look, I am a reasonable man. I will accept store credit.
The Saleswoman
I'll give you store credit in the amount of four dollars.
ross
Ross
(thinks) I take it.
END

Friends Season 5 Scripts

Jump directly to any episode script in Season 5 or browse another season

All Friends Seasons (228 Episodes)
S05E01
The One After Ross Says Rachel
S05E02
The One With All The Kissing
S05E03
The One Hundredth
S05E04
The One Where Phoebe Hates PBS
S05E05
The One With All the Kips
S05E06
The One With The Yeti
S05E07
The One Where Ross Moves In
S05E08
The One With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks
S05E09
The One With Ross's Sandwich
S05E10
The One With The Inappropriate Sister
S05E11
The One With All The Resolutions
S05E12
The One With Chandler's Work Laugh
S05E13
The One With Joey's Bag
S05E14
The One Where Everyone Finds Out
S05E15
The One With The Girl Who Hits Joey
S05E16
The One With A Cop
S05E17
The One With Rachel's Inadvertent Kiss
S05E18
The One Where Rachel Smokes
S05E19
The One Where Ross Can't Flirt
S05E20
The One With The Ride Along
S05E21
The One With The Ball
S05E22
The One With Joey's Big Break
S05E23
The One In Vegas