• logo Screen Scripts
  •  /  Friends  /  S09E22 The one with the donor


    • new scene
    • Scene 1

      Central Perk. Charlie, Joey and Rachel are on the couches

    • Charlie
      (while Joey's giving her a massage) Oh! That feels sooo good!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      (speaking to herself and reading Cosmopolitan) Oh, lucky me! Coffee and a live sex show!
    • Charlie
      I'm sorry, what?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh... Oh, I'm sorry! I'm not... I was just-I was just reading to Emma.
    • Charlie
      From... Cosmo??
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah, yeah... It's... "climax your way to better skin".
    • Charlie
      (to Joey) So, I have to go shopping today, which is my least favourite thing, I'm soo bad at picking out clothes!
    • joey
    • Joey
      So you need someone who knows fashion, to tell you what looks good.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      (hiding herself behind the magazine and whispering) Not me, not me, not me, not me, not me!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Oh hey Rach!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah...
    • joey
    • Joey
      Maybe you could take Charlie shopping.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, well...
    • Charlie
      I'm sure you have better things to do.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Are you kidding? Rachel loves to shop! And she has great taste! Yeah, she's the one who taught me, you don't wear white after labour day and that you always, always, always have to put on underwear when you're trying on clothes.
    • Charlie
      If you have the time, I'd really appreciate the help.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ok, uh-uh... Let's-Let's shop!!
    • joey
    • Joey
      (to Charlie) Ok, you're gonna come back with some very classy clothes... (aside to Rachel)... and some slutty lingerie, SLUTTY!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      (entering and talking on mobile phone) Ok, great! All right, bye! (she hangs up) Pain in the ass!! (she looks at the others, then back at the phone) That's off, right?
    • joey
    • Joey
      What's the matter, Pheebs?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh... Mike's sister just invited me to a party tonight, he's gonna be there. And she was like "Oh, don't worry! I asked him. He's totally ok with seeing you!". So now I have to go so he'll think that I'm totally ok with seeing him!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Which you're not, because you've totally hung up on him!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Exactly!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      And you're gonna want him to eat his heart out so you're gonna have to look fabulous!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      (after a short pause) I didn't even think about that! (pause) Aaargh, sexual politics!!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Hey Pheebs, I'm-I'm taking Charlie shopping, why don't you come and I'll help you find something.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Ok, that'll be great!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Oh, ain't that nice? The three of you trying on slutty lingerie together.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      That's not what we're gonna do!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Why would you ruin it, who was that hurtin'?
    • OPENING CREDITS
    • new scene
    • Scene 2

      Doctor Connelly's office

    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (looking at the picture of the female reproductive system) Wow! Fortunately she has a very pretty face!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Oh, I so can't believe this! My uterus is an inhospitable environment? I was trying so hard to be a good hostess!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh, I can't believe my sperm have low motility because, let me tell you, when I was growing up they sure seem to be in a hurry to get places!!
    • Doctor Connelly
      (entering) Hi there.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Hi.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Hi.
    • Doctor Connelly
      I'm sorry there wasn't better news from your test last week but I wanted to talk to you about your options.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Ok.
    • Doctor Connelly
      Above all, even though your chances of conceiving through natural means aren't great, you never know! So, keep having sex on a regular basis.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh, DAMN IT!
    • (Dr. Connelly glares at Chandler)
    • monica
    • Monica
      Don't worry, after a while he'll tune it out.
    • Doctor Connelly
      Ok, given your situation, the options with the greatest chances for success would be surrogacy, or insemination using a sperm donor.
    • monica
    • Monica
      (long pause) Ok.
    • Doctor Connelly
      And, of course, if you feel that neither of those is right for you, you can always adopt.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Is that a hint? Because we love you Doctor Connelly but we don't think we'd want you to be our child! (Dr. Connelly glares at him) Wow, talking about an inhospitable environment!
    • new scene
    • Scene 3

      Central Perk. Joey and Charlie on the couch. Rachel enters

    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Hi! Ok, you're ready to go pick up Phoebe and go shopping?
    • Charlie
      Oh, yeah! Let's do it!
    • joey
    • Joey
      (to Charlie) Alright, have a good time. (they kiss)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Not gonna find any clothes in there!
    • ross
    • Ross
      (entering) Hey, you guys!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Hi.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Guess who's up for keynote speaker at the National Paleontology Conference?
    • Charlie
      Umh... Kurts Baley?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Yeah, right! What was last time he met a submission deadline for an abstract (he and Charlie laugh, then Joey starts laughing too without any reason) Well, why are you laughing?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Just... seeing what it'd be like to be a paleontologist... it's fun, yeah!
    • Charlie
      So you're up for keynote speaker! Who's making the decisions?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Professor Sherman, yeah. I've a meeting with him today.
    • Charlie
      He's a pretty tough guy to impress.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Yeah, well... I think I know how to dazzle him.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh... you're not gonna do a magic trick, are ya?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Tsz... NO! (he goes to sit down, dropping a multicoloured silk streamer off his sleeve).
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (entering) Hey guys!
    • ross
    • Ross
      Wait a minute, you guys. Oh, I wanna ask you something. I-I I may get to speak at this paleontology convention and if I do, I'd love for you guys to come and hear me.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      I think I can safely say that we all have family issues, work stuff and/or are sick.
    • ross
    • Ross
      It's in Barbados.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      But you come first!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      I'm there!
    • Charlie
      We'll see you, guys! (she goes)
    • joey
    • Joey
      Bye.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Bye, see ya. (she goes)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (sitting down on the couch) Ok.
    • joey
    • Joey
      All right, so. How did it go at the fertility clinic?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Not as much fun as last time. Apparently you only get porn if you're giving a sperm sample.
    • ross
    • Ross
      So-so what did the doctor say?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Well... there's surrogacy, but Monica has dreamt her whole life of carrying a child, she has felt that watching a surrogate would be... too hard for her.
    • joey
    • Joey
      So you're ruling out surrogacy?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yeah.
    • joey
    • Joey
      So, I don't have to learn what that means?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Aside from adoption the only other choice is insemination, so... we're talking about sperm donors.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Enough said, I'm there for you man. Where is she, upstairs?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (stopping Joey) ah-ha!
    • ross
    • Ross
      How do you feel about all this?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      I wish there was an easier way for us to have a child but I don't think there is one.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Come on Ross, be a good guy. Step up and do it!
    • ross
    • Ross
      (puzzled) What?
    • (Joey moves close to Ross and whispers something in his ear)
    • ross
    • Ross
      (looking astonished) What? NO! I am not going to give them Ben!
    • new scene
    • Scene 4

      Professor Sherman's office, Ross is relating to Professor Sherman

    • ross
    • Ross
      The data we are receiving from MRI scans and DNA testing of these fossils are - are staggering.
    • Professor Sherman
      Mmm-mm.
    • ross
    • Ross
      (reading from a notepad) I mean, we've been accepting Leakey's dates as a given, but if they're off by even a hundred thousand years or so then you can - you can just throw most of our assumptions, you know, right in the trash. (he throws the notepad in the waste bin) So-so what I am saying is - is is that (he picks the notepad back from the waste bin) is that the repercussions could be huge! I mean, not just in palaeontology, but if-if you think about it, in evolutionary biology, uh, genetics, geology, uh, I mean, truly the mind boggles!
    • (Turns to look at Professor Sherman, only to discover that he is sleeping)
    • ross
    • Ross
      Oh, that's not what you want...
    • new scene
    • Scene 5

      Shop, Rachel, Charlie and Phoebe walk in

    • Shop assistant
      (to a girl) Incentive For Men?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh, I'll take some of that.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Pheebs, that's for men!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      No, I know, this way when I go to the party later Mike will know I am over him cause I'm gonna smell like another guy. (to the shop assistant) Yeah.
    • (The shop assistant sprays the perfume on Phoebe's neck)
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Ok. Oh good, I'm dating a Russian cab driver. (to the shop assistant). Seriously does anyone buy this? I smell like beets!
    • Charlie
      (to Rachel) So, you know what, I really like those jackets with the shoulder pads on them. Where do you think those would be?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      On Melanie Griffith in "Working girl". I think what you want is over here.
    • Charlie
      See, I told you I needed someone! Oh, you know, by the way, as a "thank you", I would really love to take you out.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Really?
    • Charlie
      Yeah! Actually Joey and I are going to the movies tonight, wanna come?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, I can't. Because I-I've seen them.
    • Charlie
      You've seen all the movies...
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah! I'm a big fan! Of the movies, you know. Motion pictures. The Talkies!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      (picks up a dress) Hey Rach, will you come with me to a dressing room?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Sure!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Ok!
    • Charlie
      Wha, you know, maybe we can do something else!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      You know that depends on what it is! I've done a lot of stuff.
    • (Phoebe and Rachel go off to the dressing rooms. They enter one and close the curtain.)
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      So what were you doing out there, do you not like Charlie?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      She's ok, I just don't get a really good vibe from her!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Why?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      I don't know, you know, just the way she waltzed in here all smart, and tall! You know, and just swept Joey off his feet... I mean, nobody else has a chance!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Who else?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Anybody! You, me, you know, Monica's mom...
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      You like Joey?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Shhhhh! Phoebe! All right, look. I have a little thing for him.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      (whispering) Oh my God!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      It's just physical and I have it totally under control! Ok? It's just, when I see them together, sometimes I just get a little jealous!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Uh, wow! Isn't it ironic that he liked you and now you like him?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      (annoyed) Oh, I get it!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh well, as long as it is under control, you know, you can't do anything about it, he's already dating her, and she is a nice person, that wouldn't be right.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      I know, I know, so it is just not a big deal.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Yeah.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      So can we keep this between us?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Sure!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ok, great, because I gotta get out of here, the smell of beets is killing me!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh.
    • (Rachel opens the curtains and sees Charlie coming out from the dressing room just next to theirs)
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Any chance Charlie has a deaf twin?
    • new scene
    • Scene 6

      Monica's apartment, Chandler walks in with a friend of his while Monica is putting fruit in a bowl.

    • monica
    • Monica
      Hi honey!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Hey! Look I brought a friend for dinner, this is Zack, from work!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Oh, of course, it's so nice to see you again, Zack!
    • Zack
      (shaking Monica's hand) You too.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      You guys haven't actually met before, but, boy! You're both polite! (pause) Go to have a seat Zack, and I'll get you a beer.
    • monica
    • Monica
      I got it.
    • Zack
      Thanks.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (to Mon) So, Zack's pretty nice, uh?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Yeah, I guess.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      So, how would you like to have a baby that's half yours and half his!
    • monica
    • Monica
      (turns around and she's quite shocked) Excuse me?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Well, we're talking about sperm donors and Zack may be the guy! I mean, look, he's intelligent, he's healthy, he's athletic, I mean, he is "spermtastic"!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Chandler, this is crazy! What did you even say to him! "Come up, meet my wife! Give us your sperm"!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      No, I invited him to dinner so you could get a chance to get to know him! I mean, if we go through a sperm bank you never meet the guy, get to check him out.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Chandler!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      I'm telling you, he's great! I mean, even if my sperm worked fine, I'd think he'd be the way to go!
    • monica
    • Monica
      I'm not going to be a part of this! You can't just bring some random guy at home and expect him to be our sperm donor!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Ok!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Uh!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (bringing the beer to Zack) Zack!
    • Zack
      Thanks! Do you have a coaster? I don't wanna make a ring.
    • (Monica hears that and is suddenly very interested in Zack)
    • monica
    • Monica
      Tell me about yourself, Zack!
    • new scene
    • Scene 7

      Shop, Phoebe and Rachel are talking in front of the dressing room

    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, God, do you think she heard? It would be so bad if she heard!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Well, maybe she didn't hear! Ok I'm gonna go into that dressing room, you stay in here and I'll talk and see if you can hear me.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ok, great!
    • (Phoebe moves in the dressing room from which Charlie went out)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh, thank God I can't hear a word that you're saying!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      (sticks her head out) I didn't say anything yet!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      (sticks her head out too) Well, get back in there and talk!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      (goes back in) I'm Rachel. It's so annoying when I put Emma on the phone to talk with my friends.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      (comes out again) What!?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      (comes out too) Well, some things are just hard to say to your face.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ok well, I heard that! Which means that she heard it too!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Ooh! We have a problem.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh! What are we gonna do?
    • (A strange woman sticks her head out from a third changing cubicle to the far right)
    • Stranger
      Just be honest with her.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh my God!
    • Stranger
      And it is annoying when parents put their baby on the phone...
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      (yelling at the stranger) Alright! Enough out of you!
    • new scene
    • Scene 8

      Joey's apartment. Joey is sitting on his bed and the phone rings

    • joey
    • Joey
      Hello?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Joey! Hey, I need to talk to Charlie. Is she there?
    • joey
    • Joey
      No. no... eh... she went shopping with Rachel. Why? What's up?
    • ross
    • Ross
      I'm meeting with professor Sherman about my being the keynote speaker...
    • joey
    • Joey
      Oh! How's it going?
    • ross
    • Ross
      It could be better! He, uhm... he fell asleep!
    • joey
    • Joey
      What!? But I already bought my ticket to Bermuda!
    • ross
    • Ross
      Barbados.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Fine, I'll rent a car and drive...! Ross, you have to get that job!
    • ross
    • Ross
      What am I supposed to do? He's out cold! In fact he was just talking in his sleep before and evidently he wants someone named Fran to spank him harder.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Well, just wake him up!
    • ross
    • Ross
      I can't! If he realizes that I'm the one that put him to sleep, I won't get the job!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Uh! That's a tough one. Oh! Wait a minute, this happened to me before! Yeah, I was auditioning for a play and the producer fell asleep and... (pause) no wait a minute... it was me who fell asleep... Yeah I mean hey, Shakespeare, how about a chase scene once in a while!?
    • new scene
    • Scene 9

      Chandler and Monica's apartement. Chandler and the guest are in the living room, Monica in the kitchen

    • monica
    • Monica
      Hey guys! Dinner's ready!
    • Zack
      Oh! I'm gonna go wash up first. (Chandler points him the bathroom) Thanks!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      So what do you think? I want that guys genes for my kid! Those eyes, those cheeckbones!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Ok, there's enthusiastic and there's just plain gay!!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      You don't like him.
    • monica
    • Monica
      I think he is fine! It's just that we don't know anything real about him... we should get more information.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Alright! Just follow my lead!
    • (Zack comes out of the bathroom. They all sit down at the table.)
    • Zack
      You guys have such a great place here.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh! Thanks, I'm crazy about our place. Hey! speaking of crazy... do you have a history of mental illness in the family?
    • Zack
      Uhm... no. Although I did have an uncle who voted for Dukakis.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (very seriously) That's really not the kind of thing we are looking for Zack.
    • Zack
      (looking very puzzled) Okaaay... so eh... so tell me, how did you guys meet.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Oh, friends first, drunk in London, you know the story. I've got a better question for you: Do you or any of your blood relatives have diabetes?
    • Zack
      (after a pause, very confused) No...
    • monica
    • Monica
      Eh... Heart Disease, Alzheimers, gout?
    • Zack
      You guys don't have people for dinner a lot, huh?
    • monica
    • Monica
      We're just making conversation. (Chandler makes an agreeing-sound)
    • Zack
      Ok. I heard a joke today. It's pretty funny...
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      You know what's not funny? Male Pattern Baldness (Monica stretches her neck to look behind Zack's head and then gives Chandler an "ok" sign)
    • Zack
      Ok listen, you guys have shown a lot of interest in me tonight and I'm flattered and... and quite frankly a little frightened. Can we just talk about something else?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Sure! Alright...
    • Zack
      Ravioli's delicious!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      I noticed you were enjoying that Ravioli with a beautiful set of teeth. Did you have braces as a child?
    • Zack
      No I didn't.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Yess!! (M & C high-five and Zack looks confused again)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (Proceeding with his dinner) We're teeth people Zack!
    • new scene
    • Scene 10

      In the store. Rachel and Phoebe returning from the changing rooms

    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Alright! Let's just do it. Let's just go over there and see if she heard.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Good plan.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Ok. (Phoebe starts to walk in the opposite direction though. Rachel sees and follows her) Wha...? where? Where are you going?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh! I'm sorry Rachel, I don't have time for your childish games, ok? I still have to go find something incredible to wear so I can beat Mike at "who's more over who"! (at which she walks away)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      (to Charlie) Hey, hi! Hey, where've you been?
    • Charlie
      Oh! trying on clothes.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      (pretends to be stunned) Oh! Wi... in the dres... in the dressing room!? Well, that's so weird! Phoebe and I were just trying on clothes in the dressing room. God it's just such a small world!
    • Charlie
      (smiling) Rachel... I heard you guys whispering.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh God. You did. You heard. Ok, listen, let me explain.
    • Charlie
      No! There's nothing to explain. I heard you. Phoebe likes Joey.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      (after a pause) Yeah.
    • Charlie
      It's just that... I don't understand it... I mean, Phoebe likes Joey and then she comes here to buy a dress to impress another guy...?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah! That's Phoebe. That's Phoebe. You know, she just wants them all! It's like she's a nympho!
    • Charlie
      Wow!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah...
    • Charlie
      You know, by the way. I heard you tell her not to do anything. Thanks for sticking up for me. You are such a nice person.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      (Looks ashamed) I try...
    • new scene
    • Scene 11

      Prof. Sherman's office. Sherman is still asleep on his chair, blocking the door.

    • (Ross takes his suitcase and tries to get out but ends up falling on Prof. Sherman's laps, thereby waking him up)
    • ross
    • Ross
      (To the still half asleep Professor) Oh my God! You really want me to be the keynote speaker? Thank you! (hugs him whilst still on his lap)
    • Prof. Sherman
      (confused) You're welcome. (Ross hugs him again)
    • new scene
    • Scene 12

      Central Perk. Joey is sitting on the sofa, eating a cookie.

    • (Phoebe walks in wearing a fancy, revealing dress, and stands before Joey)
    • joey
    • Joey
      (impressed) Wow! You look... (drops the cookie)... stop-eating hot! Which is like the highest level of hotness!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Are you sure? Because I'm really dreading going to this party.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Then don't go!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Mike knows I'm coming, and if I don't show up he'll think it's because of him! And I don't want to lose face! That's a very serious thing in my culture.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Alright, then you go to that party and you pretend to be over Mike. And afterward you come to my place and I'll get you good and drunk!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      You got it! Ok. But not on the wine that you made, ok, because I just don't want to go back to the Emergency Room.
    • (Joey gives Phoebe a thumbs up. Phoebe walks out)
    • new scene
    • Scene 13

      Outside Central Perk.

    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      David?
    • (David the scientist guy is standing at the news-stand)
    • David
      Phoebe! Hi!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh my God! (they hug)
    • David
      Wow, you look unbelievable.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Yeah. What-what are you doing here?
    • David
      Well, I'm back from Minsk... permanently.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      What happened?
    • David
      Well, remember how I was trying to achieve the positronic distillation of subatomic particles?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Yeah?
    • David
      Well, after eight years of research I discovered that it can't be done.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Well, it's great that you're back! How are you?
    • David
      Good, good, life is good...
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Good!
    • David
      Ah well, I-I'm seeing someone.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      (disappointed) Oh, good for you.
    • David
      She's also a scientist, so she's very smart and pretty and... well, it's actually because of you, really, that we're together, I mean, I saw what you had with that Mike guy, and I just said "Boy, I want that".
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Mike and I broke up.
    • David
      You're kidding me. Because I'm not seeing anybody, I've just totally made that up.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Really?
    • David
      Yeah, I don't know why, I'm sorry, I guess I just didn't want to lose face.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      I understand. Yeah. Ok so then ok, so we're both living in New York, not seeing anyone. That's so not like us!
    • David
      Yeah, I know. Well... this is probably a stupid question, seeing that you look like that, but do you have some place that you need to be right now?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Well... (pause) no.
    • David
      Do you wanna get a drink?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      I'd love to.
    • David
      Great.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Ok. (they walk away together)
    • David
      Do you smell beets?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh, got it, stay upwind of me.
    • (Charlie and Rachel arrive. They see David and Phoebe leave)
    • Charlie
      Hey, there's Phoebe! Is that Mike she's with?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      No, that's David.
    • Charlie
      There's a third guy?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      (disapprovingly) Tip of the iceberg.
    • [Cut to Monica and Chandler's]
    • Zack
      I'm gonna take off now. You're gonna let me go home, aren't you?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      You sure you don't wanna stick around a little longer?
    • Zack
      No, no, I should get home, I'm kinda tired.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Are you just tired now or are you always tired, 'cause that could be a sign of clinical depression.
    • Zack
      No it's just tiring having to figure out the age at which all my grandparents died. I'll see you tomorrow.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Ok.
    • (Zack leaves)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      I think we've found our sperm!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Does seem pretty perfect.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yeah, you think so, well? Should I ask him?
    • monica
    • Monica
      (pause) No.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Why not, just because his great-grandmother was obese, our kids are gonna get that from you anyway!
    • monica
    • Monica
      No, that's not it. It's just that when we were asking him all those questions before, I just... I just realized I don't care if he's the most perfect guy in the world... he's not you.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yeah, he's better!
    • monica
    • Monica
      No, he's not. And if I can't get pregnant with you, then I don't want to get pregnant by... him or anyone else.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Really? Are you sure?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Yeah, I'm sure.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (sighs with relief) Thank God, because I don't wanna do this either. You know, I was just doing because I thought that was what you wanted to do. You know, I'm the husband, I'm supposed to... bring the sperm.
    • monica
    • Monica
      That is so sweet. I love you. (they kiss)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      So you know this leaves us with...
    • monica
    • Monica
      Adoption.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      How do you feel about that?
    • monica
    • Monica
      I think I feel ok about it. Actually I think I feel really good about it.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Me too. I wanna find a baby that needs a home and I wanna raise it with you. And I wanna mess it up in our own specific way.
    • monica
    • Monica
      So this is it, we're really gonna adopt?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (smiling) Yeah.
    • monica
    • Monica
      (excitedly) Oh my God, we're gonna be parents!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      We are gonna be great parents.
    • monica
    • Monica
      And it could be soon. I mean, think about it: right now, somewhere out there (they go look through the window) our baby could be being conceived.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Wait, if we're lucky, and we're really really really quiet, we may be able to hear the sound of a condom breaking!
    • (they hug)
    • Closing credits
    • new scene
    • Scene 14

      Zack's office

    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Hey, Zack!
    • Zack
      (hardly enthusiastic) Hey Chandler.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Look, I just wanted to apologize for last night. I got the feeling we made you a little uncomfortable.
    • Zack
      No you didn't.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Really?
    • Zack
      No you did.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      My wife and I have some boundary issues, you know, sometimes we ask inappropriate questions. We're working on it.
    • (Zack's pregnant secretary, Jeanette, walks in)
    • Jeanette
      (to Zack) Here are the boards for Friday's pitch (hands him something).
    • Zack
      Oh, thank you.
    • (Jeanette walks out)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      You wouldn't know if Jeanette's planning on keeping her baby, would ya?
    • END