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  •  /  Friends  /  S09E16 The One With The Boob Job


    • new scene
    • Scene 1

      Chandler and Monica's apartment. Chandler and Monica are looking through some papers.

    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Did you see our bank statement? Can this be right?
    • monica
    • Monica
      I know...God. I haven't seen my savings take a hit like this since I was a kid and they came up with double-stuffed Oreos. What happened to all our money?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      I'm not sure what they did, but I'm inclined to blame Enron.
    • monica
    • Monica
      I guess with you doing the internship, we're just spending more than we're bringing in.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Maybe I should quit and get a job that pays.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Oh, But you're finally doing something that you love! I can't ask you to give that up. Though it'd be nice if the thing that you love was y'know... finding gold.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      You know what? You know what? I think we're making too big a deal out of this. ok? So we pay our bills a little late this month and maybe next month we cut back on a few things. And maybe we start eating out of Joey's refrigerator for a change. You're chef... what can you make out of backing soda and beer?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Ok worse case scenario is...we borrow some money from my parents.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      No! We're not borrowing money.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Why not?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Because we don't do that. We are Bings! And if there's one thing my father taught me was... well to always knock before going into the pool house... but the other thing was never borrow money.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Wow! I Had no idea you had this much pride.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      That's right! I do! And I'm your man. And I'm going to get us through this situation even if it means you working twice as hard.
    • OPENING CREDITS
    • new scene
    • Scene 2

      Phoebe's apartment. Mike and Phoebe seem to have finished watching a movie on television.

    • Mike
      I'm gonna go. (He kisses Phoebe on the cheek)
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Why??
    • Mike
      I haven't been home in a couple of days and I need to get some more clothes.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh...you don't have to go, I have something that will fit you.
    • Mike
      I put that tube top on as a joke.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      I want you to stay.
    • Mike
      I want to stay too but I've gone as bad as much use out of these boxers as I can..
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Why don't you turn them inside ou...
    • Mike
      Done it. (Phoebe becomes a little more subdued) I'll be back in a couple of hours.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      I'll miss you.
    • Mike
      Me too. (He leaves. A few moments later, he enters again.) You know what? I just realised something. I don't wanna go home.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Great! Ok...I'll go get the tube top.
    • Mike
      No, no! What I mean is, I hate going back to my apartment now... and partly because I live above a known crack den but... mostly because when I'm there, It's just, I really miss you. So.. do you want to move in together?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Wow, Mike Hannigan...You sure know how to make a girl say "Hell yeah!"
    • Mike
      So we're doing it?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Yeah! Let's do it! Let's live together! (They embrace and Mike kisses Phoebe) Oh god, we're really going to move in together!
    • Mike
      Yeah!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      I've always wanted to live with a guy. "Pick up your socks!" "Put down the toilet seat!" "No! We're not having sex anymore!" It's gonna be fun!
    • new scene
    • Scene 3

      Joey's apartment. Monica enters.

    • monica
    • Monica
      Hey Joey!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Listen...I need to know that what I'm about to ask you, will never get back to Chandler.
    • (Joey frowns...then looks as if he understands)
    • joey
    • Joey
      I'd be lying if I said I haven't thought about it myself. Chandler is my best friend, it would be wrong. Good...(He winks)...But wrong.
    • monica
    • Monica
      (Looks exasperated) Ok first of all...It would be great. But that's not what I'm here to talk to you about. I need to borrow some money.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Aww, I don't know Monica y'know... erm... lending friends money is always a mistake.
    • monica
    • Monica
      But Chandler lent you money!
    • joey
    • Joey
      And I think he would tell you it was a mistake.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Come on...I just need it for some rent and..and some other bills.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Oh...how much?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Two thousand dollars?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Two thousand dollars!? What do you think I am? I soap opera star!?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Yeah...
    • joey
    • Joey
      That's right I am! (Opens drawer and rummages through it. Rachel enters)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Hi you guys!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Hey!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Oo...what's in the bag?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh er... well you know Emma started crawling? I realised that this place, is very unsafe for a baby. So I went to the store and got some stuff to baby-proof the apartment.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Oh...baby-proofing... Why is this such a big deal now? Y'know, when I was a kid it was like.. "Whoops! Joey fell down the stairs!" or er.. "Whoops! Joey electrocuted himself again!" Huh!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Anyway erm, are you going to get a handyman to install this stuff?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      No. I was just going to do this myself. (Joey makes a sarcastic laugh.)
    • joey
    • Joey
      You're gonna do it?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah, Why? You don't think a woman can do this?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Oh, women can. You can't.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Monica...would you please tell Joey that he is a pig?
    • monica
    • Monica
      You're a pig. And you can't do this.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Wha!? What!? Come on! I found the hardware store all by myself!
    • joey
    • Joey
      The hardware store is right down the street.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      There is a hardware store right down the street?
    • new scene
    • Scene 4

      Central Perk. Ross, Chandler and Monica are sitting on the couch. Phoebe and Mike enters.

    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Hey you guys! Ok, we've got great news.
    • Mike
      Phoebe and I are moving in together.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Congratulations!/Good for you!/Great!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      I know it's so exciting! You know I've never lived with a guy before.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Well you know it's just like living with a girl. Only they don't steal your makeup. Unless they're playing "This is what my sister would look like" (Looks at Chandler)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yeah.... she's not so cute.
    • Mike
      I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Okay, well you put down the toilet seat.
    • Mike
      Yes dear.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Is that a bit you guys do?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Uh huh...we're playing you two.
    • monica
    • Monica
      We don't do that! Tell her we don't do that!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yes dear.
    • ross
    • Ross
      I can't believe you guys are moving in together. That's, that's great! I mean...I'm happy for you guys..
    • monica
    • Monica
      I hear wedding bells.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Monica slow down! Ok? I'm just excited to be living with him. You know I mean, I don't know, Can I see someday being married to Mike? Sure! Yeah. Y'know..I can picture myself walking down the aisle in a wedding dress that highlights my breasts in an obvious yet classy way. But do I want that house in Connecticut...you know..near the good schools where Mike and I can send Sophie and Mike Junior.. Oh my god I do.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Phoebe, I had no idea you were so conventional.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      I know! I guess I am! Oh my god! Load up the Volvo I want to be a soccer mom!
    • Mike
      You ready to go?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Yeah! You bet roomy!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Don't you mean..groomy?
    • Mike
      What are you talking about?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh please, these guys, we haven't even moved in yet and they have us picking out china patterns. (Mike seems to gag a little...and laughs nervously. They begin to leave. Phoebe bolts back)
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      China patterns!!!!!
    • new scene
    • Scene 5

      Joey's apartment. Rachel is fiddling with the drawer.

    • rachel
    • Rachel
      This is easy...Can't do this! (Moves away...and finds her sweater sleeve stuck to the drawer) Oh! Wow! Seriously I can't do this. (Fiddles more)
    • new scene
    • Scene 6

      Central Perk. Chandler sits on the couch. Joey sits at the round table

    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Hey Joe!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Listen er..I need to ask you a favor but you can't tell Monica anything about it.
    • joey
    • Joey
      I thought you didn't have secrets from Monica.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      And that would have made the official party line. (Joey nods) Monica and I are having a little financial trouble.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Yeah, I know.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      What? What do you mean you know?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Err... I just figured it out! You know, I mean you're not working and the economy is bad.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh! Right.
    • joey
    • Joey
      (to himself) That's the fastest I have ever thought!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Anyway, err... I need to borrow some money.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Oh! Sure! How much? Two thousand dollars?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yes! Two thousand dollars exactly! How do you know that! (Joey begins writing a cheque)
    • joey
    • Joey
      Err...Well I...Know how much you used to make and I know how much your rent is. (shrugs)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh ok.
    • joey
    • Joey
      (To himself) I am on fire!
    • Chandler (Stands up and walks to Joey)
      Listen...this is really nice. Do you... (sees his chequebook) Did you write a cheque to Monica for two thousand dollars? Did Monica borrow money from you?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Err... Kind of.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      I can't believe her! Did she tell you we were having money problems?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Oh no no no no no... It wasn't... It wasn't because of your money problems, it was for something for her.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      What?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Something personal.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      What would she get for herself for two thousand dollars that she wouldn't tell me about?
    • (Woman with huge breasts cuts across them. Takes Joey's coffee)
    • Woman
      Excuse me.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Boob job.
    • monica
    • Monica
      I don't want her to get a boob job! That's crazy!
    • joey
    • Joey
      Well it's...It's not that crazy okay? Making them smaller, that would be crazy.
    • new scene
    • Scene 7

      Phoebe's apartment. Phoebe and Mike are packing stuff.

    • Mike
      Well hey, I wanna ask you about Monica's little "groomy" joke.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh! Alright. Well I think the reason people laugh is becuase it's a play on the word roomy.
    • Mike
      I get the joke. Sophisticated as it was. Now the thing I wanna say is... maybe we should have talked about this before. Us living together, you're not expecting a proposal, right?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh no! No no! Not at all. We're just moving in right now. See where it goes.
    • Mike
      Yeah well, that's the thing. For me it's as far as it can ever go.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      What do you mean?
    • Mike
      Look. Phoebe, I-I love you. Very much. But I never want to get married again.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh. Wow.
    • Mike
      It's just my first marriage was, you know such a disaster. I kind of lost faith in the whole idea.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Was it really that bad?
    • Mike
      At one point near the end she deliberately defecated.....
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Ok, well that's bad. But don't you think it might be different with someone else? Perhaps a blonde who always uses a toilet. Except for once in the ocean.
    • Mike
      Look it's not about who I would marry. And I was certain the first time I got married it would last forever. And I was totally wrong!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      But it's just...
    • Mike
      Look Phoebe, It's not about you. I just never wanna get married again.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh!
    • Mike
      I'm sorry. Are you ok with that? Cause if not...maybe us moving in together isn't the best idea.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      No! I definitely don't wanna get married. No I just wanted to make sure you didn't want to too. Whew! Coz you know when we move in and you start changing your mind there's gonna be hell to pay mister!
    • Mike
      Trust me, I will never...
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Yeah I get that.
    • new scene
    • Scene 8

      Joey's apartment. Rachel is flipping through magazines. Handyman is installing things. Monica enters.

    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Hi!
    • monica
    • Monica
      So you gave in and decided to call someone?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah, I don't know who I was kidding. I can barely use chopsticks.
    • Handyman
      You're all set. (picks up his bag and starts to leave)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh thank you so much. (Picks up the guy's spirit level) Oh oh wait! You forgot your erm...Your game. (hands it to him)
    • Handyman
      Thanks.....
    • (Chandler enters)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Hey Rach! There she is...My perfectly proportioned wife.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Don't look at me I never get his jokes.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Thank you?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Oh no..don't thank me. Thank you. You know there's not one thing I would change about you? Not one single thing! And definitely not... two... single things.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Ok, you're being wierd. Do you want sex or did you do something bad?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      No no! I just love the way you look, I am warm, for your form.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Ok..You know the old classics you know,You look nice? They're still ok.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Well yes yes... You look nice can mean that your face looks nice. I want to compliment your body. I mean..I wouldn't change it. At all. And more specifically, I wouldn't want anything to get any bigger.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Okay...
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      I mean, You wouldn't want any part of me to get any bigger would you? Don't answer that.
    • (He leaves)
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Just when you thought that dude couldn't get any wierder.
    • monica
    • Monica
      I know why do you think he was so worried about me getting bigger?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      I don't know! I mean, what brought that on?
    • monica
    • Monica
      Oh my god. We're trying to get pregnant so he's probably starting to freak out about the fact that my body is going to change.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      No you really think that's what it is?
    • monica
    • Monica
      You heard him! "No bigger!" "You're perfect!" "Just don't get any bigger!" Oh my god he sounded just like my high school wrestling coach. You know what? I'm going to have to talk to Chandler.
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah! If you don't I will! Of course your body's gonna change. Your breasts are gonna get bigger, your ass is gonna get bigger, you're gonna lose bladder control. (she starts sobbing) God! It's just such a magical time!
    • new scene
    • Scene 9

      Ross's apartment. Phoebe is at the door.

    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Hi
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hey!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Listen, I wanted to ask you something about marriage.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Oh great now you're seeking me out to make jokes? I mean I can see for all hanging out but to come to my home!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      No...I really wanted to know how you feel about it.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Why?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Mike doesn't ever wanna get married.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Never?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Never.
    • ross
    • Ross
      wow, are you still going to move in with him?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      I want to, but I just want you to tell me that marriage isn't really that big a deal. You know that I won't, I won't be missing out on anything. That marriage stinks!
    • ross
    • Ross
      Yeah, marriage... stinks! I mean if you wanna see a man gain weight and a woman stop shaving? Get them married.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      That's not how you really feel is it?
    • ross
    • Ross
      No, I'm sorry. Look I don't think that's what you wanna hear right now but I can't help it. I love marriage.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Seriously? You divorce-o?
    • ross
    • Ross
      If you have to call me name, I prefer "Ross the Divorcer". It's just cooler. Look, I know my marriage isn't exactly work out. But I love to be that committed to another person. And Carol had some good times before she became a lesbian... and once afterward. I'm sorry.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      It's ok that's how you feel.
    • ross
    • Ross
      But come on! I mean living together will be great! I mean you guys have so much fun and you love Mike.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      I do love Mike.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Yeah see? And you are so excited about moving in together before, and you know what? You should be. It's a big deal!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Yeah I guess you're right. Yeah thanks. This helped. Thanks.
    • ross
    • Ross
      The Divorcer, to the rescue!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      It's not cooler.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Yeah I just hurt it.
    • new scene
    • Scene 10

      Joey's apartment. Joey enters carrying a tub of ice cream. He sets it on the table, takes off his jacket and struggles with the drawer. It cannot be opened.

    • joey
    • Joey
      Rach?! (He walks over to the fridge to put it in, but it cannot be opened either) Rachel!!!!? (He walks to the bathroom and tries to lift the toilet seat cover. It won't come up.) So I can't do anything I like????
    • new scene
    • Scene 11

      Chandler and Monica's apartment. Chandler enters. Rachel and Monica are seated at the table.

    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Hey Rach! Ah........ Perfection. (kisses Monica) Wouldn't change a thing. Not a thing.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Honey?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Yeah?
    • monica
    • Monica
      About that? Erm...I'm going to change.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      But honey you don't have to.
    • monica
    • Monica
      I'm going to get bigger!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Honey I... I love your breasts the way they are!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Argh. fascist
    • monica
    • Monica
      Well, my breasts are going to get bigger weather you like it or not! And you know what? It's not just my breasts. My ass is going to get bigger too.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      your ass?!?!?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Man, don't be surprised if her hands and her feet get bigger too!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      They...do that?
    • monica
    • Monica
      It's kind of a package deal!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      God why why would you want to do that to yourself!?
    • monica
    • Monica
      I thought I was something that we both wanted!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Alright look, if it means that much to you, a may be able to get on more with the big boobs. But the giant ass and the big clown feet?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Oh my god Chandler! If you can't handle this, what are you going to be like in the hospital? With the blood and the screaming and the little present that's shooting out of her!?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      (sedated) What?
    • new scene
    • Scene 12

      Joey's apartment. He's prying open the drawer with a crowbar to no avail. Monica, Rachel and Chandler enter.

    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Joey! Why did you tell Chandler that Monica was getting a boob job?
    • joey
    • Joey
      Because she is!
    • monica
    • Monica
      Joey, Chandler knows I borrowed the money.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Mmmm hmm! For your boob job!
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      It's over/Joe!
    • joey
    • Joey
      OK so I'm out four thousand dollars and nobody's boobs are getting any bigger?
    • new scene
    • Scene 13

      Phoebe's apartment. Ross is helping with the packing, Phoebe and Mike are also there.

    • ross
    • Ross
      Hey! What do you guys think about this. "
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Better.
    • Mike
      Very cool.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hey Pheebs, you know I'm i'm really glad you came to talk to me the other day and I hope I was a little helpful.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Oh yeah you were helpful! Yeah, no, thanks you.
    • ross
    • Ross
      Good, good. Yeah coz the more I thought about it, the more I realised I don't think marriage is neccessarily the right path for you.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      What do you mean?
    • ross
    • Ross
      Well, I know the other day in the coffeehouse you were caught up in the whole soccer mom thing? but is that really you? I mean can you honestly picture yourself in a Volvo?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      They are awfully boxy...
    • ross
    • Ross
      I don't know you'd be so bored with marriage. I mean it's so... normal.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Uh huh.
    • (Chandler, Monica, Joey and Rachel are carrying a couch through the door)
    • ross
    • Ross
      Hey hey, can I help?
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Well! We er..climbed up four flights of stairs, manueveored a narrow hallway, dodged a rabid pitbul... but these last three feet are where it gets really tricky.
    • ross
    • Ross
      You know sometimes your words... they hurt.
    • joey
    • Joey
      Hey uh, where do you guys want this?
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      Yeah, seriously coz this is really heavy. (She suddenly lets go) I mean not for me because i'm only pretending to hold this, but for these guys.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Just one last time erm... the marriage thing... there's no wiggle room? None at all?
    • Mike
      No but... You don't want to get married either right?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Right. Except that I do want to get married.
    • joey
    • Joey
      (voice strained) Couldn't have this conversation down at the truck huh?
    • Mike
      You wanna get married?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Someday.
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Aaaaand....... hernia.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      I haven't exactly had a normal life and I never really felt I was missing out on anything but it just feels that now it's my turn some of the regular stuff.
    • Mike
      But if you wanna get married why didn't you say something before?
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Because I just didn't know how much I wanted it. And I love you, and I wanted to live with you.
    • Mike
      I want to live with you too! Let's do that!
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      But I don't think I can! it was ok to move in when I didn't know what was gonna happen, but I can't move in knowing that nothing is ever gonna happen.
    • Mike
      Can we at least try living together? I mean you might change your mind about marriage.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Are you gonna change yours?
    • Mike
      No.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Me neither. I think I need to be with someone who wants what I want.
    • Mike
      But I don't want this to end.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      I don't want it to end either.
    • Mike
      I can't believe this is gonna end. I guess I'll have my stuff packed up.
    • phoebe
    • Phoebe
      Yeah.
    • Mike
      Ok... so...(They hug) Goodbye.
    • monica
    • Monica
      Bye bye Mike!/Cya mike!/Bye mike!/Bye bye now!
    • rachel
    • Rachel
      I'm so sorry Pheebs.
    • monica
    • Monica
      We're all sorry... (They have a group hug)
    • chandler
    • Chandler
      Ah, look on the bright side, I mean you won't have to live with this ugly chair! That was here already huh? I love you. (they hug again)
    • CLOSING CREDITS
    • new scene
    • Scene 14

      Joey's apartment. Joey is struggling with the fridge. He finally gets it open and falls on the floor

    • joey
    • Joey
      AH HAH! I DID IT! HA HA! Alright... (He takes a box out, about to close fridge, then thinks.) Better take all I can carry. Who knows when i'll be able to get in here again!
    • END