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Scene 1
Chandler and Monica's apartment. Chandler and Monica are looking through some papers.
- ChandlerDid you see our bank statement? Can this be right?
- MonicaI know...God. I haven't seen my savings take a hit like this since I was a kid and they came up with double-stuffed Oreos. What happened to all our money?
- ChandlerI'm not sure what they did, but I'm inclined to blame Enron.
- MonicaI guess with you doing the internship, we're just spending more than we're bringing in.
- ChandlerMaybe I should quit and get a job that pays.
- MonicaOh, But you're finally doing something that you love! I can't ask you to give that up. Though it'd be nice if the thing that you love was y'know... finding gold.
- ChandlerYou know what? You know what? I think we're making too big a deal out of this. ok? So we pay our bills a little late this month and maybe next month we cut back on a few things. And maybe we start eating out of Joey's refrigerator for a change. You're chef... what can you make out of backing soda and beer?
- MonicaOk worse case scenario is...we borrow some money from my parents.
- ChandlerNo! We're not borrowing money.
- MonicaWhy not?
- ChandlerBecause we don't do that. We are Bings! And if there's one thing my father taught me was... well to always knock before going into the pool house... but the other thing was never borrow money.
- MonicaWow! I Had no idea you had this much pride.
- ChandlerThat's right! I do! And I'm your man. And I'm going to get us through this situation even if it means you working twice as hard.
- OPENING CREDITS
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Scene 2
Phoebe's apartment. Mike and Phoebe seem to have finished watching a movie on television.
- MikeI'm gonna go. (He kisses Phoebe on the cheek)
- PhoebeWhy??
- MikeI haven't been home in a couple of days and I need to get some more clothes.
- PhoebeOh...you don't have to go, I have something that will fit you.
- MikeI put that tube top on as a joke.
- PhoebeI want you to stay.
- MikeI want to stay too but I've gone as bad as much use out of these boxers as I can..
- PhoebeWhy don't you turn them inside ou...
- MikeDone it. (Phoebe becomes a little more subdued) I'll be back in a couple of hours.
- PhoebeI'll miss you.
- MikeMe too. (He leaves. A few moments later, he enters again.) You know what? I just realised something. I don't wanna go home.
- PhoebeGreat! Ok...I'll go get the tube top.
- MikeNo, no! What I mean is, I hate going back to my apartment now... and partly because I live above a known crack den but... mostly because when I'm there, It's just, I really miss you. So.. do you want to move in together?
- PhoebeWow, Mike Hannigan...You sure know how to make a girl say "Hell yeah!"
- MikeSo we're doing it?
- PhoebeYeah! Let's do it! Let's live together! (They embrace and Mike kisses Phoebe) Oh god, we're really going to move in together!
- MikeYeah!
- PhoebeI've always wanted to live with a guy. "Pick up your socks!" "Put down the toilet seat!" "No! We're not having sex anymore!" It's gonna be fun!
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Scene 3
Joey's apartment. Monica enters.
- MonicaHey Joey!
- JoeyHey!
- MonicaListen...I need to know that what I'm about to ask you, will never get back to Chandler.
- (Joey frowns...then looks as if he understands)
- JoeyI'd be lying if I said I haven't thought about it myself. Chandler is my best friend, it would be wrong. Good...(He winks)...But wrong.
- Monica(Looks exasperated) Ok first of all...It would be great. But that's not what I'm here to talk to you about. I need to borrow some money.
- JoeyAww, I don't know Monica y'know... erm... lending friends money is always a mistake.
- MonicaBut Chandler lent you money!
- JoeyAnd I think he would tell you it was a mistake.
- MonicaCome on...I just need it for some rent and..and some other bills.
- JoeyOh...how much?
- MonicaTwo thousand dollars?
- JoeyTwo thousand dollars!? What do you think I am? I soap opera star!?
- MonicaYeah...
- JoeyThat's right I am! (Opens drawer and rummages through it. Rachel enters)
- RachelHi you guys!
- MonicaHey!
- JoeyOo...what's in the bag?
- RachelOh er... well you know Emma started crawling? I realised that this place, is very unsafe for a baby. So I went to the store and got some stuff to baby-proof the apartment.
- JoeyOh...baby-proofing... Why is this such a big deal now? Y'know, when I was a kid it was like.. "Whoops! Joey fell down the stairs!" or er.. "Whoops! Joey electrocuted himself again!" Huh!
- MonicaAnyway erm, are you going to get a handyman to install this stuff?
- RachelNo. I was just going to do this myself. (Joey makes a sarcastic laugh.)
- JoeyYou're gonna do it?
- RachelYeah, Why? You don't think a woman can do this?
- JoeyOh, women can. You can't.
- RachelMonica...would you please tell Joey that he is a pig?
- MonicaYou're a pig. And you can't do this.
- RachelWha!? What!? Come on! I found the hardware store all by myself!
- JoeyThe hardware store is right down the street.
- RachelThere is a hardware store right down the street?
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Scene 4
Central Perk. Ross, Chandler and Monica are sitting on the couch. Phoebe and Mike enters.
- PhoebeHey you guys! Ok, we've got great news.
- MikePhoebe and I are moving in together.
- RossCongratulations!/Good for you!/Great!
- PhoebeI know it's so exciting! You know I've never lived with a guy before.
- MonicaWell you know it's just like living with a girl. Only they don't steal your makeup. Unless they're playing "This is what my sister would look like" (Looks at Chandler)
- ChandlerYeah.... she's not so cute.
- MikeI'm gonna go to the bathroom.
- PhoebeOkay, well you put down the toilet seat.
- MikeYes dear.
- MonicaIs that a bit you guys do?
- PhoebeUh huh...we're playing you two.
- MonicaWe don't do that! Tell her we don't do that!
- ChandlerYes dear.
- RossI can't believe you guys are moving in together. That's, that's great! I mean...I'm happy for you guys..
- MonicaI hear wedding bells.
- PhoebeMonica slow down! Ok? I'm just excited to be living with him. You know I mean, I don't know, Can I see someday being married to Mike? Sure! Yeah. Y'know..I can picture myself walking down the aisle in a wedding dress that highlights my breasts in an obvious yet classy way. But do I want that house in Connecticut...you know..near the good schools where Mike and I can send Sophie and Mike Junior.. Oh my god I do.
- RossPhoebe, I had no idea you were so conventional.
- PhoebeI know! I guess I am! Oh my god! Load up the Volvo I want to be a soccer mom!
- MikeYou ready to go?
- PhoebeYeah! You bet roomy!
- MonicaDon't you mean..groomy?
- MikeWhat are you talking about?
- PhoebeOh please, these guys, we haven't even moved in yet and they have us picking out china patterns. (Mike seems to gag a little...and laughs nervously. They begin to leave. Phoebe bolts back)
- PhoebeChina patterns!!!!!
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Scene 5
Joey's apartment. Rachel is fiddling with the drawer.
- RachelThis is easy...Can't do this! (Moves away...and finds her sweater sleeve stuck to the drawer) Oh! Wow! Seriously I can't do this. (Fiddles more)
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Scene 6
Central Perk. Chandler sits on the couch. Joey sits at the round table
- ChandlerHey Joe!
- JoeyHey!
- ChandlerListen er..I need to ask you a favor but you can't tell Monica anything about it.
- JoeyI thought you didn't have secrets from Monica.
- ChandlerAnd that would have made the official party line. (Joey nods) Monica and I are having a little financial trouble.
- JoeyYeah, I know.
- ChandlerWhat? What do you mean you know?
- JoeyErr... I just figured it out! You know, I mean you're not working and the economy is bad.
- ChandlerOh! Right.
- Joey(to himself) That's the fastest I have ever thought!
- ChandlerAnyway, err... I need to borrow some money.
- JoeyOh! Sure! How much? Two thousand dollars?
- ChandlerYes! Two thousand dollars exactly! How do you know that! (Joey begins writing a cheque)
- JoeyErr...Well I...Know how much you used to make and I know how much your rent is. (shrugs)
- ChandlerOh ok.
- Joey(To himself) I am on fire!
- Chandler (Stands up and walks to Joey)Listen...this is really nice. Do you... (sees his chequebook) Did you write a cheque to Monica for two thousand dollars? Did Monica borrow money from you?
- JoeyErr... Kind of.
- ChandlerI can't believe her! Did she tell you we were having money problems?
- JoeyOh no no no no no... It wasn't... It wasn't because of your money problems, it was for something for her.
- ChandlerWhat?
- JoeySomething personal.
- ChandlerWhat would she get for herself for two thousand dollars that she wouldn't tell me about?
- (Woman with huge breasts cuts across them. Takes Joey's coffee)
- WomanExcuse me.
- JoeyBoob job.
- MonicaI don't want her to get a boob job! That's crazy!
- JoeyWell it's...It's not that crazy okay? Making them smaller, that would be crazy.
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Scene 7
Phoebe's apartment. Phoebe and Mike are packing stuff.
- MikeWell hey, I wanna ask you about Monica's little "groomy" joke.
- PhoebeOh! Alright. Well I think the reason people laugh is becuase it's a play on the word roomy.
- MikeI get the joke. Sophisticated as it was. Now the thing I wanna say is... maybe we should have talked about this before. Us living together, you're not expecting a proposal, right?
- PhoebeOh no! No no! Not at all. We're just moving in right now. See where it goes.
- MikeYeah well, that's the thing. For me it's as far as it can ever go.
- PhoebeWhat do you mean?
- MikeLook. Phoebe, I-I love you. Very much. But I never want to get married again.
- PhoebeOh. Wow.
- MikeIt's just my first marriage was, you know such a disaster. I kind of lost faith in the whole idea.
- PhoebeWas it really that bad?
- MikeAt one point near the end she deliberately defecated.....
- PhoebeOk, well that's bad. But don't you think it might be different with someone else? Perhaps a blonde who always uses a toilet. Except for once in the ocean.
- MikeLook it's not about who I would marry. And I was certain the first time I got married it would last forever. And I was totally wrong!
- PhoebeBut it's just...
- MikeLook Phoebe, It's not about you. I just never wanna get married again.
- PhoebeOh!
- MikeI'm sorry. Are you ok with that? Cause if not...maybe us moving in together isn't the best idea.
- PhoebeNo! I definitely don't wanna get married. No I just wanted to make sure you didn't want to too. Whew! Coz you know when we move in and you start changing your mind there's gonna be hell to pay mister!
- MikeTrust me, I will never...
- PhoebeYeah I get that.
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Scene 8
Joey's apartment. Rachel is flipping through magazines. Handyman is installing things. Monica enters.
- RachelHi!
- MonicaSo you gave in and decided to call someone?
- RachelYeah, I don't know who I was kidding. I can barely use chopsticks.
- HandymanYou're all set. (picks up his bag and starts to leave)
- RachelOh thank you so much. (Picks up the guy's spirit level) Oh oh wait! You forgot your erm...Your game. (hands it to him)
- HandymanThanks.....
- (Chandler enters)
- ChandlerHey Rach! There she is...My perfectly proportioned wife.
- RachelDon't look at me I never get his jokes.
- MonicaThank you?
- ChandlerOh no..don't thank me. Thank you. You know there's not one thing I would change about you? Not one single thing! And definitely not... two... single things.
- MonicaOk, you're being wierd. Do you want sex or did you do something bad?
- ChandlerNo no! I just love the way you look, I am warm, for your form.
- MonicaOk..You know the old classics you know,You look nice? They're still ok.
- ChandlerWell yes yes... You look nice can mean that your face looks nice. I want to compliment your body. I mean..I wouldn't change it. At all. And more specifically, I wouldn't want anything to get any bigger.
- MonicaOkay...
- ChandlerI mean, You wouldn't want any part of me to get any bigger would you? Don't answer that.
- (He leaves)
- RachelJust when you thought that dude couldn't get any wierder.
- MonicaI know why do you think he was so worried about me getting bigger?
- RachelI don't know! I mean, what brought that on?
- MonicaOh my god. We're trying to get pregnant so he's probably starting to freak out about the fact that my body is going to change.
- RachelNo you really think that's what it is?
- MonicaYou heard him! "No bigger!" "You're perfect!" "Just don't get any bigger!" Oh my god he sounded just like my high school wrestling coach. You know what? I'm going to have to talk to Chandler.
- RachelYeah! If you don't I will! Of course your body's gonna change. Your breasts are gonna get bigger, your ass is gonna get bigger, you're gonna lose bladder control. (she starts sobbing) God! It's just such a magical time!
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Scene 9
Ross's apartment. Phoebe is at the door.
- PhoebeHi
- RossHey!
- PhoebeListen, I wanted to ask you something about marriage.
- RossOh great now you're seeking me out to make jokes? I mean I can see for all hanging out but to come to my home!
- PhoebeNo...I really wanted to know how you feel about it.
- RossWhy?
- PhoebeMike doesn't ever wanna get married.
- RossNever?
- PhoebeNever.
- Rosswow, are you still going to move in with him?
- PhoebeI want to, but I just want you to tell me that marriage isn't really that big a deal. You know that I won't, I won't be missing out on anything. That marriage stinks!
- RossYeah, marriage... stinks! I mean if you wanna see a man gain weight and a woman stop shaving? Get them married.
- PhoebeThat's not how you really feel is it?
- RossNo, I'm sorry. Look I don't think that's what you wanna hear right now but I can't help it. I love marriage.
- PhoebeSeriously? You divorce-o?
- RossIf you have to call me name, I prefer "Ross the Divorcer". It's just cooler. Look, I know my marriage isn't exactly work out. But I love to be that committed to another person. And Carol had some good times before she became a lesbian... and once afterward. I'm sorry.
- PhoebeIt's ok that's how you feel.
- RossBut come on! I mean living together will be great! I mean you guys have so much fun and you love Mike.
- PhoebeI do love Mike.
- RossYeah see? And you are so excited about moving in together before, and you know what? You should be. It's a big deal!
- PhoebeYeah I guess you're right. Yeah thanks. This helped. Thanks.
- RossThe Divorcer, to the rescue!
- PhoebeIt's not cooler.
- RossYeah I just hurt it.
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Scene 10
Joey's apartment. Joey enters carrying a tub of ice cream. He sets it on the table, takes off his jacket and struggles with the drawer. It cannot be opened.
- JoeyRach?! (He walks over to the fridge to put it in, but it cannot be opened either) Rachel!!!!? (He walks to the bathroom and tries to lift the toilet seat cover. It won't come up.) So I can't do anything I like????
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Scene 11
Chandler and Monica's apartment. Chandler enters. Rachel and Monica are seated at the table.
- ChandlerHey Rach! Ah........ Perfection. (kisses Monica) Wouldn't change a thing. Not a thing.
- MonicaHoney?
- ChandlerYeah?
- MonicaAbout that? Erm...I'm going to change.
- ChandlerBut honey you don't have to.
- MonicaI'm going to get bigger!
- ChandlerHoney I... I love your breasts the way they are!
- RachelArgh. fascist
- MonicaWell, my breasts are going to get bigger weather you like it or not! And you know what? It's not just my breasts. My ass is going to get bigger too.
- Chandleryour ass?!?!?
- RachelMan, don't be surprised if her hands and her feet get bigger too!
- ChandlerThey...do that?
- MonicaIt's kind of a package deal!
- ChandlerGod why why would you want to do that to yourself!?
- MonicaI thought I was something that we both wanted!
- ChandlerAlright look, if it means that much to you, a may be able to get on more with the big boobs. But the giant ass and the big clown feet?
- RachelOh my god Chandler! If you can't handle this, what are you going to be like in the hospital? With the blood and the screaming and the little present that's shooting out of her!?
- Chandler(sedated) What?
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Scene 12
Joey's apartment. He's prying open the drawer with a crowbar to no avail. Monica, Rachel and Chandler enter.
- RachelJoey! Why did you tell Chandler that Monica was getting a boob job?
- JoeyBecause she is!
- MonicaJoey, Chandler knows I borrowed the money.
- JoeyMmmm hmm! For your boob job!
- ChandlerIt's over/Joe!
- JoeyOK so I'm out four thousand dollars and nobody's boobs are getting any bigger?
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Scene 13
Phoebe's apartment. Ross is helping with the packing, Phoebe and Mike are also there.
- RossHey! What do you guys think about this. "
- PhoebeBetter.
- MikeVery cool.
- RossHey Pheebs, you know I'm i'm really glad you came to talk to me the other day and I hope I was a little helpful.
- PhoebeOh yeah you were helpful! Yeah, no, thanks you.
- RossGood, good. Yeah coz the more I thought about it, the more I realised I don't think marriage is neccessarily the right path for you.
- PhoebeWhat do you mean?
- RossWell, I know the other day in the coffeehouse you were caught up in the whole soccer mom thing? but is that really you? I mean can you honestly picture yourself in a Volvo?
- PhoebeThey are awfully boxy...
- RossI don't know you'd be so bored with marriage. I mean it's so... normal.
- PhoebeUh huh.
- (Chandler, Monica, Joey and Rachel are carrying a couch through the door)
- RossHey hey, can I help?
- ChandlerWell! We er..climbed up four flights of stairs, manueveored a narrow hallway, dodged a rabid pitbul... but these last three feet are where it gets really tricky.
- RossYou know sometimes your words... they hurt.
- JoeyHey uh, where do you guys want this?
- RachelYeah, seriously coz this is really heavy. (She suddenly lets go) I mean not for me because i'm only pretending to hold this, but for these guys.
- PhoebeJust one last time erm... the marriage thing... there's no wiggle room? None at all?
- MikeNo but... You don't want to get married either right?
- PhoebeRight. Except that I do want to get married.
- Joey(voice strained) Couldn't have this conversation down at the truck huh?
- MikeYou wanna get married?
- PhoebeSomeday.
- ChandlerAaaaand....... hernia.
- PhoebeI haven't exactly had a normal life and I never really felt I was missing out on anything but it just feels that now it's my turn some of the regular stuff.
- MikeBut if you wanna get married why didn't you say something before?
- PhoebeBecause I just didn't know how much I wanted it. And I love you, and I wanted to live with you.
- MikeI want to live with you too! Let's do that!
- PhoebeBut I don't think I can! it was ok to move in when I didn't know what was gonna happen, but I can't move in knowing that nothing is ever gonna happen.
- MikeCan we at least try living together? I mean you might change your mind about marriage.
- PhoebeAre you gonna change yours?
- MikeNo.
- PhoebeMe neither. I think I need to be with someone who wants what I want.
- MikeBut I don't want this to end.
- PhoebeI don't want it to end either.
- MikeI can't believe this is gonna end. I guess I'll have my stuff packed up.
- PhoebeYeah.
- MikeOk... so...(They hug) Goodbye.
- MonicaBye bye Mike!/Cya mike!/Bye mike!/Bye bye now!
- RachelI'm so sorry Pheebs.
- MonicaWe're all sorry... (They have a group hug)
- ChandlerAh, look on the bright side, I mean you won't have to live with this ugly chair! That was here already huh? I love you. (they hug again)
- CLOSING CREDITS
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Scene 14
Joey's apartment. Joey is struggling with the fridge. He finally gets it open and falls on the floor
- JoeyAH HAH! I DID IT! HA HA! Alright... (He takes a box out, about to close fridge, then thinks.) Better take all I can carry. Who knows when i'll be able to get in here again!
- END