Full screenplay script transcript for Seinfeld S06E21: The Diplomat’s Club
21 Scenes268 Lines
Scene 1
Opening Scene
1 lines
What's this little scam the airlines have goin' now with these special clubs? Hundred fifty dollars a year to sit in a room, eat peanuts, drink coffee and soda, and read magazines. Excuse me, but isn't this the flight? I already got four hours of this comin' to me... What am I paying for? How bout' an 'I got all my luggage club'? Can I get into that club? Where is that club? I would like to join that club. Airlines love to divide us into classes. You know like when you're sitting in coach, the stewardess always closes that stupid curtain. Always gives you that look, like, maybe if you would work a little harder...
Scene 2
Jerry's Apartment, Jerry Is Talking on the Phone
38 lines
Jerry
What time does your flight get in? Six? All right, that gives us six hours. Then I'll meet you at the diplomat's club. I'll be the one without the big red sash. Okay, see you tonight. (Hangs up)
Elaine
Is that the supermodel?
Jerry
Yep, she's not gonna be back for a month, but I got six hours.
Elaine
I thought you had a show in Ithaca.
Jerry
I do, but it's three o'clock and then I'm flying right back and meeting Bridget at the Diplomat's Club in the airport.
Elaine
Well, guess what I'm doing. I'm going to Mr. Pitt's, and I am telling him that I am quitting.
Jerry
So that's it? You know I never even met the guy.
Elaine
I've had enough. I am marchin' in.
Jerry
You're marchin' in.
Elaine
I'm marchin'. (Enter George)
George
Hey.
Jerry
Hey. Elaine's quitting.
George
Really?
Elaine
I'm marchin' in.
George
I've done the march in. Best feeling in the world.
Jerry
How 'bout the march out?
George
Not as good. That's when you realize all the money you're losing.
Elaine
This is it. Wish me luck.
Jerry
Get a march goin'! March it! (She exits)
George
Jerry, I need to borrow your camera.
Jerry
Why?
George
Well, I wanna put a picture of me and my boss Mr. Morgan up at the office.
Jerry
What for?
George
They're reorganizing the staff, and I'm on thin ice with this guy as it is.
Jerry
Isn't putting this guy's picture on your desk a little transparent?
George
It better be.
MR. PITT'S OFFICE, ELAINE ENTERS AND MR. PITT IS SITTING AT HIS DESK.
Elaine
Mr. Pitt, I have something to tell you.
Pitt
One second Elaine.
Elaine
Mr. Pitt...
Pitt
Elaine, you know what I just did? I just amended my will to include you as a beneficiary.
Elaine
What?
Pitt
Well, I think of you as part of my family. You've come to be like a daughter to me and I want to make sure you're taken care of after I'm gone.
Elaine
(Flattered) Mr. Pitt...
Pitt
(Sneezes) Elaine, I feel a cold coming on. Could you get me a cold pill from the medicine cabinet?
Elaine
Oh no no, Mr. Pitt, you mustn't. You have to check with the pharmacy before you combine anything with your heart medicine,
Pitt
Yes, yes, I'll check with the pharmacist.
Elaine
We don't want anything to happen to you Mr. Pitt. We want you to live a long, long time.
Scene 3
At the Yankee's Office
5 lines
George
(Holding camera) Look at this, I only have one picture left... How 'bout a shot of me and Mr. Morgan?
Morgan
Why?
George
Why? Because we're a team! C'mon! Would you take this for us, dear? Thank you very much. Here we go... (To Morgan) Anyone ever tell you you look a lot like Sugar Ray Leonard? Yeah, you must get that all the time.
Morgan
I suppose we all look alike to you, right Costanza?
George
No, not a racial thing, there really is a resemblance...
Scene 4
Mr. Pitt's
11 lines
Elaine
Oh my God.
Woman
Who are you?
Pitt
This is the girl I want to put in my will. Elaine...
Man
Please, rest Mr. Pitt.
Woman
You're the assistant? Why weren't you taking care of him?
Elaine
Well, he gave me the morning off, I was doing a little... shopping. How did this happen?
Man
Took a very dangerous combination: prescription heart medicine and these other pills.
Elaine
Mr. Pitt, you were s'posed to talk with the pharmacist.
Pitt
I spoke to someone who worked there.
Elaine
I'm gonna go and call that pharmacist. (She exits)
Woman
How well do you know her?
Scene 5
Jerry and Katie Sitting in the Plane
5 lines
Kate
Jerry, listen, just so you know, before we take off they're gonna tell us what to do in the vent of a crash-
Jerry
Yes, I know. I've flown before.
Kate
Oh good. I just didn't want you to freak out... The chance of a crash is very slim. Do you have to go to the bathroom?
Jerry
No.
Kate
(Pause) Because even if you have (Jerry gets up to go) to go a little you'd better go now because you won't get another chance until way after take off.
Scene 6
Airport, Kramer and a Man Sitting
13 lines
Kramer
Hey, how you doin'?
Earl
Pretty good.
Kramer
Name's Kramer.
Earl
Earl Hafler, nice to meet you. I'm headed to Houston, where you headed?
Kramer
Oh I'm happy right here. Isn't this place amazing? Planes flying in from all corners of the world, and they know the minute they're arriving.
Earl
Ah they don't know a darn thing. That's why my flight the Houston's been delayed. They're all morons. Matter of fact, I'll bet you that that flight to Pittsburgh takes off before my flight to Houston.
Kramer
Bet? Um, not betting.
Earl
Friendly wager.
Kramer
I haven't made a bet in three years, I-
Earl
Ah c'mon. Keep things interesting, pass the time.
Kramer
Okay, how much?
Earl
How 'bout 200?
Kramer
You're on, cowboy!
Scene 7
On Street, George and Another Man Pick Up Newspaper
6 lines
George
How ya doin'?
Man
Okay.
George
Nice day today.
Man
What?
George
I'm George. George Costanza, you live around here?
(Man gets newspaper and leaves)
Scene 8
At the Airport...
7 lines
Intercom
Now arriving at gate 12...
Earl
This could be Mexico City.
Kramer
C'mon Seattle, let's go.
Earl
Come on, Mexico City!
Kramer
Seattle, yeah!
Intercom
...flight 42 from Mexico City.
Kramer
All right, c'mon, let's go again.
Scene 9
At Mr. Pitt's...
5 lines
Elaine
Mr. Pitt, do you need anything?
Pitt
No.
Elaine
You need something to sit up. Why don't I get you a pillow?
Pitt
Okay.
(Elaine goes to get pillow, walks back to Pitt slowly. Ms. Walker enters looking scared. Elaine waves.)
Scene 10
Backstage at Comedy Club in Ithaca
11 lines
Kate
It's a pretty full house, the lighting guy's name is Lew, he's got a birthday next week.
Jerry
I don't care.
Kate
By the way, Jerry, I don't want you to freak out, but the pilot is going to be in the audience.
Jerry
Who?
Kate
Remember the plane we took here? The pilot is gonna be sitting out there watching the show.
Jerry
I don't care, why are you telling me this?
Kate
I just didn't want you to freak out when you saw him.
Jerry
Why would I freak out? (To himself) Pilot...
Off Stage
Ladies and gentlemen, a big hand for Mr. Jerry Seinfeld! (Clapping)
Jerry
Hey, all right. Good afternoon Ithaca. Welcome, good to see you here... Boy, I'll tell you, there's an awful lot of those orange cones you have on the throughway... (Sees pilot) on the way... up here... um... I..
GEORGE WALKING DOWN STREET. HE SEES A MAN AND TRIES TO HELP HIM WITH GROCERIES. MAN WALKS AWAY.
Scene 11
Comedy Club
8 lines
Kate
It didn't go very well, did it?
Jerry
No, it didn't. And you know why? Seeing the pilot in the audience really freaked me out.
Kate
I knew it.
Jerry
If you hadn't mentioned anything, I would have been fine. I became obsessed with him.
Kate
Why did we invite him? Stupid, stupid. when he asked for a ticket, I should have said no. I'm gonna go chew him out.
Jerry
Oh, it doesn't matter now.
Kate
Don't worry, Jerry. I'm on top of this.
Jerry
Yeah, you're on top of it, and I'm on the bottom!
Scene 12
Airport
19 lines
Earl
Well, Mr. Kramer, looks like you're in the hole $3200... Will that be cash or check?
Kramer
All right, look, one more bet. Double or nothing. C'mon.
Earl
All right, but I wanna see some cash on the table.
Kramer
All right, let me call my bank. You stay here. (He calls)
Newman
Hello?
Kramer
Yeah, it's, uh, me.
Newman
Hey, what's up?
Kramer
All right, listen. I need some cash.
Newman
What for?
Kramer
I just need it, that's all.
Newman
Oh no. Don't tell me. You're gambling again, aren't you? Oh you weak, weak man. Where are you?
Kramer
I'm at the airport.
Newman
The airport?
Kramer
We've been betting on arrivals and departures. (Newman rolls eyes) But I'm down $3200 , so you've gotta get me some cash.
Newman
I don't have that kinda dough.
Kramer
Sure you do.
Newman
Oh no, no, not the bag!
Kramer
Oh help me man, I'm desperate!
Newman
All right, all right.
Scene 13
Airplane
46 lines
Intercom
Sorry for the delay, folks, there is a slight complication that we're taking care of, and then we'll be on our way to La Guardia...
Jerry
(To Katie) What is the complication?
Flight Attendant
Mr. Seinfeld?
Jerry
Yes?
Flight Attendant
I'm sorry, but the pilot has asked that you leave this plane.
Jerry
What?
Flight Attendant
Apparently, he has some sort of problem with you.
Kate
I'm not surprised. I really let him have it, Jerry. He has no business being in your audience if you didn't want him there.
Jerry
I didn't care.
Flight Attendant
Well, now the pilot doesn't want you on his plane.
Jerry
He can't just throw me off the plane!
Flight Attendant
Yes he can, if he has cause to believe a passenger will be a disturbance.
Jerry
But I'm not a disturbance!
Flight Attendant
Well, apparently you are disturbing him, sir.
Jerry
But someone is waiting for me!
Kate
Jerry, I don't want you to freak out.
Jerry
I'm freakin' out! I am freakin' out!
[Airport in Ithaca]
Kate
There's a flight leaving at eight, and another one at eight-thirty, which one do you want?
Jerry
Which one do you think I want?
Kate
The eight will get you in a little earlier.
Jerry
Then we'll make it the eight.
Kate
I'll book a hotel, do you want a standard room or mini suite?]
Jerry
Hotel?
Kate
Yeah, it's eight in the morning.
Jerry
No, no, no. I have to get home tonight. Bridget's gonna be waiting for me at the Diplomat's Club. Rent a car.
Kate
Mid-size, luxury, or sports model, what's your preference?
Jerry
I don't have a preference, okay! Just make a decision yourself! Stop bothering me with every minor little detail, please?
Kate
Okay, you're a big celebrity. (She exits)
(Jerry calls George)
George
Yo.
Jerry
George.
George
Hey, Jerry, how was Ithaca?
Jerry
I'm still here. Listen, you gotta go down to the Diplomat's Club...
George
Hey, Jerry, what was the name of the exterminator who fumigated your apartment when you had fleas?
Jerry
Carl, I think.
George
Carl... Yeah, he was a nice guy.
Jerry
Yeah, he was nice.
George
What company was it?
Jerry
Defent.
George
Yeah, you know we spoke for a little bit...
Jerry
You need an exterminator?
George
No, not really.
Jerry
Oh, don't tell me. 'Cause he's black?
George
Gotta go.
Jerry
George, George!
Scene 14
Mr. Pitt's, Jerry Is on the Phone with Ms. Walker
11 lines
Jerry
Hello, this is Jerry Seinfeld. Is Elaine there?
Woman
Hold on... Elaine, there's a Jerry Seinfeld on the phone for you.
Elaine
Hello?
Jerry
Elaine, I need you to do me a big favor. I need you to go down to the Diplomat's Club and meet Bridget for me. I'm going to be late.
Elaine
That's at the airport, right?
Jerry
Right, I don't want Bridget to think I stood her up. I'll never get another date with her. She'll freak out.
Elaine
All right, all right. You sound a little freaked out yourself.
Jerry
I am a little freaked out!
Elaine
Calm down, I'll take care of it. (Ms. Walker looks suspicious of Elaine)
Jerry
All right, but you have to go now.
Elaine
I said I'll take care of it!
Scene 15
Newman Arrives at the Airport with a Bag
20 lines
Newman
Kramer.
Kramer
Hey.
Newman
Okay, here it is.
Kramer
Good. (To Earl) Here's my collateral.
Earl
So it's a mailbag, so what?
Newman
So what? Do you know whose mailbag that is?
Earl
(Reading) David Berkowitz.
Newman
Son of Sam. The worst mass murderer the post office ever produced.
Earl
Where did you get this?
Newman
I took over his route. And boy, were there a lot of dogs on that route.
Earl
Any of 'em talk to you?
Newman
Just to tell me to keep off the snacks!
Earl
(To Kramer) Your buddy's a helluva guy.
Kramer
Yeah, don't I know it.
Earl
Okay, Cosmo, we're back in business. Let's check out the board. Now, who do you like?
Kramer
All right, how 'bout Ithaca vs. Boston?
Earl
All right, I'll give you a sportin' chance. I'll take Ithaca.
Kramer
Double or nothin'.
Earl
Double or nothin'.
Newman
I hope you know what you're doing... (Kramer gives Newman a look of lack of confidence)
Scene 16
In Rental Car... Katie Is Driving and Jerry Is Asleep
9 lines
Jerry
(Wakes up) Where are we?
Kate
I'm not sure.
Jerry
Is this even a road?
Kate
Oh we lost the road a half hour ago.
Jerry
What? Why didn't you wake me up?
Kate
You told me not to bother you with minor details.
Jerry
No, road is a major detail!
Kate
Okay, now I know. Should I keep going or turn around, do you have a preference?
Jerry
(Pointing ahead) Look out!
Scene 17
At George's Office, Carl Enters
20 lines
George
May I help you?
Carl
I'm the exterminator.
George
Oh, yes of course, come in.
Carl
Why didn't you want me to bring my equipment or wear my uniform?
George
Yes, well, if the other people in the office saw that I called an exterminator, they would just panic. Besides, this is sort of a friendly visit. Carl, right?
Carl
Do I know you?
George
Yeah, sure, we met at Jerry Seinfeld's apartment. When you fumigated for fleas over there.
Carl
Seinfeld... Oh yeah, funny white guy, right?
George
Jerry? Yes, I suppose he is white. You know, I never really thought about it. I don't see people in terms of color. You know, there's someone I'd like you to meet. Hand on... (To phone) Is Mr. Morgan in?
Phone
Mr. Morgan left for dinner.
George
He left... huh... Carl, you hungry?
MR. PITT'S. PITT IS IN BED WITH MS. WALKER STANDING BESIDE HIM. THE T.V. IS ON.
Tv
Here's a new twist on car pooling: Early this morning, a lost Manhattanite drove through a residential backyard and wound up in a swimming pool near Ithaca, New York. Comedian Jerry Seinfeld, a passenger, seemed a little freaked out.
Jerry
That's it! No more questions! I don't care!
Pitt
That's him! That's the man who gave me the pills in the drug store! He's no pharmacist.
Womanewman
Jerry Seinfeld... I know that name. He called here earlier for Elaine. (She looks at Mr. Pitt)
AT THE RESTAURANT, GEORGE AND CARL ENTER. THEY SEE MR. MORGAN.
George
(To Carl) Oh, by the way, order anything you want, it's all on me. Just do me a tiny favor: pretend we're old friends. Oh my God! Mr. Morgan! What a coincidence, it's Mr. Morgan. Mr. Morgan, I want you to meet a dear old friend of mine, Carl.
Carl
I'm the exterminator. (Morgan confused)
George
That's... what we used to call him in high school, the exterminator. He's a linebacker. Oh, did we have some wild times.
Scene 18
Airport, Kramer Is Smoking a Cigar
18 lines
Earl
Well, that Newman was your good luck charm.
Kramer
Yeah, he was.
Earl
I should have quitted at double or nothin'. Travelers checks acceptable?
Kramer
Oh I accept.
Newmanewman
(Talking to another man) ...yeah he worked in the cubicle right next to me. We once double dated.
Kramer
Yeah, it's a pleasure doin' business with a gentleman like yourself. (Elaine enters)
Elaine
Kramer.
Kramer
Oh hi Elaine. What are you doing here?
Elaine
Jerry asked me to meet his girlfriend here. Did you here about his plane in Ithaca?
Earl
What about the plane in Ithaca?
Elaine
Oh, our stupid friend freaked out the pilot. Single handedly delayed the plane a whole hour. Can you believe that?
Kramer
Boy...
Earl
Your friend caused the delay?
Elaine
Uh huh.
Earl
You're a cheat! Nobody hustles Earl Hafler.
Kramer
C'mon!
Earl
See you around, Cosmo.
Kramer
What?
Scene 19
Mr. Pitt's
3 lines
Elaine
Poison you? Jerry Seinfeld tried to poison you? Wha? Mr. Pitt, what are you, delirious? He's never even met you!
Pitt
You're fired, Elaine. Goodbye.
Elaine
Goodbye? (Elaine thinks of memories with Mr. Pitt)
Scene 20
Airport, Jerry Enters
5 lines
Jerry
Bridget!
Bridget
Jerry, what happened?
Jerry
Oh, I'm so sorry. I got stuck out of town. I missed our whole time together.
Bridget
Well, my plane doesn't leave for another half hour.
Jerry
Really? (They start to make out, Jerry sees the pilot on the plane) Oh my God, that's him! That's the pilot!
Scene 21
Restaurant
7 lines
George
I love this place. You know, Carl and I come here all the time.
Morganewman
Is that right?
Carl
Yeah, I come here all the time. You wouldn't believe the rat problems in the kitchen.
Morganewman
(George spits out food) I thought so. You really are an exterminator. This time, George, you've sunk to a new low. (He leaves)
