Full screenplay script transcript for Seinfeld S08E01: The Foundation
16 Scenes365 Lines
Scene 1
Opening Scene
16 lines
George
Well... it's a magnificent stone.
Mr. Ross
They put it up this morning.
pause.
George
It's just a magnificent stone. (turns to Jerry) Jerry?
Jerry, obviously uncomfortable, turns slowly and shrugs his shoulders at George.
Mrs. Ross
George... we'll leave you alone with her.
George
What?
Mrs. Ross
I'm sure there are things you'd like to say.
She pats his shoulder, and then she and her husband leave Jerry and George alone with Susan.
George
No, I-I-I-I'm good. Really.
Jerry turns around to follow the Rosses.
George
Jerry...
He tries to keep Jerry there, but Jerry jerks away. George then turns to Susan's stone nervously, trying to think of where to begin. Meanwhile, Mrs. Ross offers Jerry an alcoholic beverage of some sort.
Jerry
Thank you, no.
She continues drinking.
George
(to Susan's stone) ...And then, right after the All-Star Break, we, we just swept the Orioles. Four games. In Baltimore. (adjusts necktie nervously) So... yeah.
Scene 2
Jerry's Apartment
32 lines
George
Boy, that was awkward!
Jerry
I don't mind the cemetery.
George
What were you saying to the Rosses over there, anyway?
Jerry
Oh, I don't know. I told them her death takes place in the shadow of new life. She's not really dead if we find a way to remember her.
George
What is that?
Jerry
Star Trek II.
George
(identifying it) Wrath of Khan!
Jerry
Right. Kramer and I saw it last night. Spock dies, they wrap him up in a towel, and they shoot him out the bowel of the ship in that big sunglasses case.
George
That was a hell of a thing when Spock died...
Jerry
Yeah...
For a brief moment, the two become overwhelmed with emotion.
George
Well anyway, the, uh... the stone is up, I paid my respects, guess that's it.
Jerry
So it's over?
George
I have mourned for three long months! Summer months, too! Anybody could grieve in January! It's time for George to start being George again.
Jerry
All right, so uh, let's do something later. How 'bout a movie?
George
Yes! Nothing says George like a movie!
Kramer enters as George is leaving.
Kramer
Movie?
Jerry
Yeah, you in?
Kramer
No, no, no, I can't. I got my martial arts class.
George
George is going to the movies! (exits)
Jerry
(to Kramer) So how's your karate class going?
Kramer
(pronouncing it "kar-ah-tay") Karate, Jerry. Karate. The lifetime pursuit of balance and harmony.
Jerry
...But with punching and kicking.
Kramer
Jerry, karate is not here (pointing to the ground). It's here (points to head), and here (points to chest), and here (makes a circle with his hands).
Jerry
Alright, I gotta go to the airport to pick up Elaine.
Kramer
What, she's been away?
Jerry
She's been in Mexico for six weeks.
Kramer
No, I really think you're wrong. We just went to the fireworks the other day.
Jerry
That was July 4th!
Kramer pauses to think.
Jerry
Alright, I'm outta here, and when I get back, I don't want to see you here (points to kitchen), here (points to living room), or here (makes similar circle with his hands).
Scene 3
The Coffee Shop
28 lines
Elaine
It was unbelievable. Six weeks of traveling through Mexico all on Peterman's peso.
Jerry
Wow. So did you get any good ideas for the catalog?
Elaine
Oh, tons!
Jerry
Anything you couldn't have gotten tearing open a bag of Doritos and watching Viva Zapata?
Elaine
(laughs sarcastically) You don't respect my work at all, do you?
Jerry
No, I don't.
Elaine
So what's been going on around this dump? How's your fiancee?
Jerry
My what?
Elaine
Jeannie... your fiancee.
Jerry
Oh, yeah, that. Well...
Elaine
All right. Spill it, Jerome.
Jerry
There's really not that much to tell.
flashback sequence of Jerry and Jeannie at the coffee shop begins as Jerry narrates.
"About a month ago, we were here having lunch, when all of a sudden we both just blurted out..."
Jerry & Jeannie
(simultaneously) I hate you!
They both chuckle over the coincidence.
Jeannie
: See ya.
Jerry
See ya.
Jeannie returns her ring to Jerry, who puts it in his pocket.
"It was unprecendented. I mean, it was the first truly mutual breakup in relationship history."
flashback ends.
Jerry
(continuing) No rejection, no guilt, no remorse.
Elaine
You've never felt remorse.
Jerry
I know, I feel bad about that...
Elaine
I bet your parents were upset, huh?
Jerry
Eh.
Elaine
You haven't told them yet, have you?
Jerry
No.
Scene 4
J. Peterman's Office.
11 lines
Dugan
"So I pressed through the rushes, there below me, the shimmering waters of Lake Victoria..."
J. Peterman
Oh, for the love of God, man! Just tell me what the product is.
Dugan
It's a, uh, washcloth.
J. Peterman
No washcloths!
Elaine
Well, Mr. Peterman, I've got a really good idea for a hat. It combines the spirit of old Mexico with a little big city panache. I like to call it the Urban Sombrero.
J. Peterman
(rubbing his neck) Oh, my neck is one gargantuan monkey fist.
Elaine
Are you okay, Mr. Peterman?
J. Peterman
Yes, yes. Go on, go on, go on.
Elaine
Well, see, it's... businessmen taking siestas. You know, it's the, uh, the Urban Sombrero.
Peterman walks out, groaning.
Elaine
Mr. Peterman?
Scene 5
The Street
33 lines
George
(inhales deeply) I tell you, Jerry, I'm feeling something. Something I haven't felt in a long time.
Jerry
Pride?
George
No. Autonomy, complete and total autonomy.
Jerry
Well, you're your own boss now.
George
I wanna go to a tractor pull.
Jerry
Go ahead.
George
I am staying out all night!
Jerry
Who's stopping you?
George
I wanna bite into a big hunk of cheese, just bite into it like it's an apple.
Jerry
Whatever.
Jerry sees someone he knows.
Jerry
Oh God.
George
What?
Jerry
It's Dolores.
George
Who?
Jerry
Mulva.
Dolores notices Jerry.
Dolores
Jerry, hi.
Jerry
Hi, Dolores. George, you remember Dolores?
George
Dolores!
Dolores
Hi. (to Jerry) I heard you got engaged.
Jerry
Yes, Dolores, I did. It didn't work out, though, Dolores.
Dolores
Oh, that's too bad. You know... we should get together sometime. See ya.
Jerry
See ya.
George
Bye, Dolores.
Dolores walks away.
George
I thought Mulva hated you.
Jerry
Yeah, so did I. You know what? I bet it was the engagement. I've shown I can go all the way.
George
All the way?
Jerry
Not our "all the way", their "all the way." I got the stink of responsibility on me.
George
Yeah, and you were engaged for like a minute, I was engaged for a year.
Jerry
You stink worse than I do!
George
I'm feeling something else here, Jerry!
Scene 6
J. Peterman's Office.
13 lines
Secretary
Elaine, it's Mr. Peterman on the phone.
Elaine
(answers the phone) Hello, Mr. Peterman, how are you feeling?
J. Peterman
Elaine, I'll be blunt. I'm burnt out. I'm fried. My mind is as barren as the surface of the moon. I can run that catalog no longer.
Elaine
What? Well, who's gonna do it?
J. Peterman
What about you?
Elaine
Me? Why me?
J. Peterman
Why, indeed.
Elaine
Mr. Peterman, you can't leave.
J. Peterman
I've already left, Elaine. I'm in Burma.
Elaine
Burma?
J. Peterman
You most likely know it as Myanmar, but it will always be Burma to me. Bonne chance, Elaine. (to a passerby) You there on the motorbike! Sell me one of your melons! (runs after him)
The phone is not hung up.
Elaine
Mr. Peterman?
Scene 7
Jerry's Apartment.
46 lines
Jerry
Where?
Elaine
Burma.
Jerry
Isn't it Myanmar now?
Elaine
Jerry, he wants me to run the catalog! It's crazy! I can't be in charge!
Jerry
No, certainly not.
Elaine
I mean, I can't give people orders!
Jerry
No one's gonna listen to you.
Elaine
I am not qualified to run the catalog!
Jerry
You're not qualified to work at the catalog.
Elaine groans in frustration as Kramer enters.
Kramer
Hey. (notices Elaine) What's wrong?
Elaine
Oh, Peterman ran off to Burma, and now he wants me to run the catalog.
Kramer
Where?
Jerry
Myanmar.
Kramer
The discount pharmacy?
Elaine
Well, I'm just gonna tell him no. I can't run the catalog.
Kramer
Whoa, whoa. Can't? When did that word enter your vocabulary? What, is the job too difficult? (Jerry nods) What, you don't have enough experience? (Jerry shakes his head) Oh, you're not smart enough? (Jerry shakes his head) Where's your confidence? (Jerry shrugs his shoulders) Look, Elaine, let me tell you a story. When I first studied karate...
Elaine
Karate?
Kramer
Yeah, karate. I had no support. Not from him, not from Newman, no one. The first time I sparred with an opponent, I was terrified. My legs, they were like noodles. But then I looked inside, and I found my katra.
Elaine
Katra?
Kramer
Yeah, your spirit, your, uh, being. The part of you that says, "Yes, I can!"
Jerry
Sammy Davis had it.
Kramer
So I listened to my katra and now I'm dominating the dojo. I'm class champion.
Elaine
Well, you know, I, I have watched Peterman run the company.
Kramer
Sure you have.
Elaine
I know how to do it. Pair of pants, a stupid story, a huge markup. I can do that.
Kramer
You follow your katra, and you can do anything. (leads her to the door) Now get out of here.
Elaine
(excitedly) Okay.
Kramer slams the door behind her.
Kramer
That kid is gonna be all right.
Jerry
No, she's not.
There's a knock at Jerry's door.
Joey
Come on, Kramer!
Kramer
Hey there.
Joey
Come on. Mom's down in the car.
Kramer
Okay, Joey.
Joey exits.
Jerry
You guys both have class at the same time?
Kramer
No, we're in the same class.
Jerry
What do you mean you're in the same class?
Kramer
He almost beat me.
Jerry
Kramer, you're fighting children?!
Kramer
We're all at the same skill level, Jerry.
Jerry
He's nine years old! You don't need karate, you can just wring his neck!
Car horn honks.
Kramer
I got carpool. (exits)
Scene 8
Kramer's Carpool.
10 lines
Kramer
Thanks for the juice box, Mrs. Z.
Joey
Hey, could we stop for ice cream on the way home, mom?
Mrs. Zanfino
Mmm, I don't know...
The kids begin pleading, so Kramer joins in.
Mrs. Zanfino
All right.
Kids & Kramer
Yay!
J. PETERMAN'S OFFICE. ELAINE HAS CALLED IN ALL HER NEW EMPLOYEES.
Dugan
*You're* taking the job?
Elaine
You got that straight. Now I want four new ideas from each of you by 6:00. No, make that six ideas by 4:00. All right, let's move, move, move, move, move!
As everyone rushes out, Elaine laughs, amazed at the new power she now holds.
Scene 9
Kramer's Karate Class.
70 lines
Sansei
Are you prepared for kumite?
Kramer & Joey
Yes, Sansei.
Sansei
Fight stance.
Kramer & Joey assume fight stance.
Sansei
Hydjama! Begin!
Kramer then frantically makes several karate hand motions, intimidating Joey. What follows is a montage of sequences featuring Kramer challenging his class. He grabs an opponent by the foot and flips him over; knocks one out with a simple karate chop to the head; has another turned upside down being shaken violently; drags another along the floor; and chases several at once.
Sansei
(raising Kramer's arm) Winner!
The other kids bow their heads in disgrace.
GEORGE'S APARTMENT, IN A VERY CLUTTERED STATE. GEORGE IS WALKING AROUND IN NOTHING BUT BOXERS, HUMMING TO HIMSELF WHILE CARRYING A SODA AND A BLOCK OF CHEESE. THERE'S A KNOCK AT HIS DOOR.
George
It's open!
As George plops onto the sofa, the Rosses enter.
George
(surprised) Rosses.
Mrs. Ross
Hello, George.
George
Well, uh... come in, come, come in. (frantically clears the couch of newspapers and crumbs)
Mr. Ross
We, uh, tried to call, but the line was busy.
George
Oh. Oh. Yeah, sure. Here. Uh, sit down. Uh, uh, cheese, there? (he grabs a suit jacket from the desk chair and puts it on)
Mrs. Ross
We know the last three months have been hard on you.
George
Oh, yes, yes, yes. Very, very hard.
Mr. Ross
And they've been hard on us, too. It's a terrible tragedy when parents outlive their children.
George
Yes, I agree. I hope my parents go long before I do.
Mr. Ross
That's why we decided to create a foundation to preserve Susan's memory.
George
Oh, that's wonderful.
Mr. Ross
And, of course, we want you to be an integral part.
George
Yes, inte-- h-how inte-- how integral?
Mr. Ross
You'll be on the board of directors.
George
(feigning excitement) Great, great. O-Oh, oh, oh, gosh. You know, it's just... my duties with the Yankees...
Mrs. Ross
Don't worry, George. The foundation will revolve around your schedule. Evenings, weekends, whenever you have free time.
George
I can't believe this is happening.
Mr. Ross
Well, it wouldn't have without your friend Jerry's inspirational words. He said to us, "She's not really dead if her shadow is..." Uh, w-what was it, dear?
Mrs. Ross
Something about a way, a-and a light, uh... ha. Who the hell knows?
Mr. Ross
Well, what's important is that your relationship with Susan doesn't have to end.
Mrs. Ross
So will you be sure to thank Jerry for us?
George
(feigning happiness) The second I see him.
THE COFFEE SHOP. JERRY IS HAVING LUNCH WHEN GEORGE WALKS IN.
Jerry
Hey.
George
Hey. How's your day, good?
Jerry
Actually, yeah. I'm meeting Mulva here in a few minutes.
George
So uh... Wrath of Khan, huh?
Jerry
Yeah. Was that a beauty or what?
George
What was that line again? Something about finding your way in a shadow?
Jerry
No, no, no, it's... "She's not really dead if we find a way to remember her."
George
That's it. That's the line... (squirts mustard into Jerry's coffee and stirs it) ...that destroyed my life.
Jerry
(stares into coffee cup and looks back at George) Problem?
George
The Rosses have started up a foundation, Jerry, and I have to sit on the board of directors.
Jerry
Hey, board of directors. Look at you!
George
Yeah! Look at me! I was free and clear! I was living the dream! I was stripped to the waist, eating a block of cheese the size of a car battery!
Jerry
Before we go any further, I'd just like to point out how disturbing it is that you equate eating a block of cheese with some sort of bachelor paradise.
George
Don't you see? I'm back in.
Jerry
All because of Wrath of Khan?
George
Yes!
Jerry
Well, it was the best of those movies.
The camera is over George's head and spins around repeatedly as George screams.
George
KHAN!
THE FOUNDATION. GEORGE IS STARING INTENTLY AT A PAINTING OF SUSAN AS WYCK WALKS IN.
Wyck
George.
George doesn't respond.
Wyck
George. (taps him on the shoulder)
George
(startled) Oh!
Wyck
I'm Wyck Thayer, chairman of the Susan Ross Foundation.
George
Wink.
Wyck
(correcting him) Wyck.
George
Wyck.
Wyck
Now, as you know, the Rosses had considerable monies.
George
Oh. I know they have some monies.
Wyck
They had more than some monies. Many, many monies. And they planned to give a sizable portion of their estate to you and Susan after the wedding.
George
So, if Susan and I had... I mean, if the envelopes hadn't, uh... then we--
Wyck
Yes.
George
And now?
Wyck
Not. It's all been endowed to the foundation, even this townhouse.
George
This townhouse?
Scene 10
Scene 10
6 lines
Wyck
This would have been your wedding gift.
George
And now?
Wyck
Not.
George
Not.
Wyck
Also endowed. George... I know how much Susan meant to you. It can't be easy.
George
You know, it really can't.
Scene 11
The Coffee Shop.
6 lines
Dolores
So who broke it off?
Jerry
Well, that's the thing. It was completely mutual.
Dolores
Oh, come on. Everybody knows there's no such thing as a mutual breakup. Tell me the truth.
Jerry
I am. It was the world's first.
Dolores
You know, when I heard you got engaged, I thought *maybe* you had matured. But obviously there's no growth here. (exits)
Jerry
Well, I can't argue with that, but the fact remains... I was completely... (to himself, cursing her) Mulva!
Scene 12
Jerry's Apartment. the Phone Is Ringing As He's Getting In.
32 lines
Jerry
(answering) Hello?
Secretary
Please hold for Elaine Benes.
Jerry
Oh, I don't believe this.
Elaine
(picking up) Jerry!
Jerry
Hey!
Elaine
Hey. Guess who just finished laying out her first issue of the J. Peterman Catalog.
Jerry
How's it look?
Elaine
(muffled, as she's smoking a cigar) It's a peach.
Jerry
Huh?
Elaine
I say, it's a peach.
Jerry
Elaine, let me ask you something. When I told you my breakup was mutual, did you believe me?
Elaine
No, no, no. It's weak. No one's gonna buy it, and you shouldn't be selling it.
Jerry
I gotta do some research here.
Elaine
Hey, hey. Me. Talking. You know, between you and me, I always thought Kramer was a bit of a doofus, but he believed in me. *You* did not. So as I see it, he's not the doofus. *You* are the doofus.
Jerry
Oh, I'm the doofus?
Elaine
Yeah. You, Jerry, are the doofus.
Jerry
You know, it occurs to me that Kramer is at karate right now.
Elaine
Oh, well, maybe I'll just go down there and thank him in person.
Jerry
Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
KRAMER'S KARATE CLASS. KRAMER IS BEATING HIS OPPONENT, A LITTLE GIRL. ELAINE WALKS IN, SURPRISED.
Elaine
Kramer!
Kramer
Oh, hey.
Elaine
What are you doing?
Kramer
Oh, well, I-I-I'm dominating.
Elaine
You never said you were fighting children.
Kramer
Well, it's not the size of the opponent, Elaine, it's, uh, the ferocity.
Elaine
This is what you used to build me up? This is where you got all that stupid katra stuff?
Kramer
No, no. That's from, uh, Star Trek III... The Search for Spock.
Elaine
Search... for Spock?!
Kramer
Yeah, I know Jerry will tell you that The Wrath of Khan is the better picture, but for me, I always...
Elaine
(pushes him) You doofus!
As Kramer is knocked down, there is amazed murmuring among his peers.
Scene 13
The Coffee Shop. Jerry Is Conducting Some Research.
6 lines
Jerry
Okay, question #8. What if I told you my fiancee left me for another man? Does that make me more likable, less likable, as likable? Let's start over here this time.
Waitress #1
More.
Waitress #2
Less.
Ruthie
Same.
Willie
Are we about through here?
Jerry crosses off something on his clipboard.
Scene 14
A Dark, Foggy Street. Kramer Is Walking with Joey.
7 lines
Kramer
I thought you said your mom was meeting us in the alley.
Joey
She had a little change of plans.
Children emerge from various places in the alley, to ambush Kramer.
Kramer
What's going on? Hey, Timmy, Clara. That was some kind of workout we had tonight, huh?
Girl
Now we finish it.
Kramer tries to escape up the fire escape ladder, but the kids drag him down.
Kramer
Aah! Aah! Mama!
Scene 15
Jerry's Apartment
31 lines
Jerry
(on the phone) Dad, I wouldn't eat anything you caught in that pond out in front of the condo.
Elaine enters.
Jerry
Uh, look, Elaine's here, I gotta get going. Oh, by the way, uh, I'm not getting married. Tell mom. Bye. (hangs up)
The phone rings again expectedly. Jerry hangs up without answering.
Jerry
So... did you stop by the dojo?
Elaine
Yep.
Jerry
How's your confidence level?
Elaine
Shot.
Jerry
Self-esteem?
Elaine
Gone.
Jerry
Doofus?
Elaine
(raises her hand) Yo.
Jerry
All right, so what? You put out the catalog. How bad could it be?
Elaine takes out the Urban Sombrero and puts it on.
Jerry
What is that?
Elaine
It's the Urban Sombrero. I put it on the cover.
Jerry
Well, nobody sees the... cover.
Kramer enters.
Kramer
God!
Jerry
What happened to you?
Kramer
Whew! I got whooped. You should have seen the rage in their little eyes. And those tiny little fists of fury. Oh. (notices the Urban Sombrero) What is that?
Jerry
It's the new cover of the J. Peterman Catalog. It is Elaine's choice. Let's congratulate her.
Kramer
Oh I see. (Elaine walks up to him) Woof!
Elaine
(pointing a finger accusingly at Kramer) You! This is all your fault! You told me I could run the company!
Kramer
Well, then I was way off!
Elaine
Well, I'll see ya... (exits)
Jerry
Vaya con dios.
Kramer
(with his forehead in his hands) Man, I gotta go lay down. You and George going out a little later?
Jerry
No, he's still stuck at the foundation.
Kramer
You know, you oughta go down there and help him out. He's a widower.
Jerry
Widower? Wait a second. (goes to a notebook of his research)
Scene 16
The Foundation
18 lines
Wyck
Okay, let's see. The beachhouse. 48 acres... ooh. Southampton. That should fetch a fair price.
George
Would I have had access to that?
Wyck
Of course, it would have been yours.
George
And now?
Wyck turns to face him.
George
(anticipating the answer) Not.
phone rings. George eagerly answers it.
George
Hello?
Jerry
Hey, Georgie! I'm doing some research down at the coffee shop. Your story's the one.
George
My story?
Jerry
Yeah, your widower story's tested through the roof. (various patrons give the thumbs up in approval) When are you getting out of there?
George
Uh, excuse me, Wyck. Uh, are we, uh, almost done here?
Wyck
(chuckling) Oh, no, not even close.
George
(remorsefully) I can't go.
Jerry
What do you mean you can't go? There's two really girls sitting at the counter eating grilled cheese. Cheese, George! Cheese!
George hangs up.
Wyck
Okay, next item. Susan's doll collection. Estimated value: $2.6 million. What do you say we go through this doll by doll?
George turns to the portrait of Susan in amazement.
