The Bizarro Jerry

All right. How 'bout this one: let's say you're abducted by aliens.

Fine.

They haul you aboard the mother ship, take you back to their planet as a curiosity. Now: would you rather be in their zoo, or their circus?

I gotta go zoo. I feel like I could set more of my own schedule.

But in the circus you get to ride around in the train, see the whole planet!

I'm wearin' a little hat, I'm jumpin' through fire.. They're puttin' their little alien heads in my mouth..

(resigned) At least it's show business..

But in the zoo, you know, they might, put a woman in there with me to uh.. you know, get me to mate.

What if she's got no interest in you?

W--then I'm pretty much where I am now. At least I got to take a ride on a spaceship.

LOOKING UP AT AN OFFICE BUILDING; INTERIOR OF OFFICE RECEPTION AREA OF "BRAND/LELAND" AS GEORGE, JERRY, AND KRAMER COME IN. THEY CALMLY KEEP IT QUIET.

George, why couldn't I use the bathroom in that store?

Kramer, trust me, this is the best bathroom in midtown!

(frustrated) Wha??

(dry) He knows.

(Anyway,) on the left--exquisite marble! High ceilings. An' a flush, like a jet engine! (imitates sound) Ha ha!

(impressed) Now, listen, uh. You better not wait. I'll catch you later.

You sure?

(dry) He knows.

Wow. Nice.

Why don't you try your engagement story?

(considers, but got into elevator) Won't work.

Are you sure?

(wry) He knows.

Look. Kevin. I really like you, heh, heh, uh. But, um, maybe we'd be, better off just being.. friends. (takes a bite of her sandwich)

Friends?

Well. I mean. (distracted by the food) Oh, god. This tuna tastes like an old sponge.

Friends. Yeah! Why not friends? I might like to try that! Like you an' Jerry!

(frustrated) Damn thing is jammed again..

You know what happens with these? The rollers, they get flat spots on 'em. (hits button several times and whacks it)

Come on, let's go.

(absently wants to be part of it) Oh, yeah--yeah.. (follows them)

(to JERRY) Remember I was telling you about Gillian, my friend who writes for the L.L. Bean catalogue? I really think you should give her a call.

(doubtful) I don't know, do you have a--

Not bad. Wuh--what does she--

(dry) I put her stats on the back.

Pretty impressive--"Serious boyfriend '92 to '95." Owns her own car.. "Favorite president: James Polk!" (ELAINE had echoed: "Uh-huh. Yup." during it)

Hnn! Let me see that.

(hands it to him as he asks ELAINE) So how'd it go with Kevin? Did you, steel-toe his ass back to Kentucky?

(laughs in appreciation) You are not gonna believe this! I told him that I just wanted to be friends. He's fine with it. He really wants to be friends.

Why would anybody want a friend.

(dread) Uh. It's really not that bad, actually. He said he'd even go with me to the Museum of Miniatures. This is something you would never ever do.

I mean all that stuff is so small.. ((ELAINE is wryly assessing him)) stupid..

(still looking at that picture) You know if I told my engagement story to that receptionist, but told her this, was my fiancée..

What?

Don't you see. Women like that are like, members of a secret tribe living in a forbidden city. People like me have not been inside in thousands of years.. But with this, it's like I've already been with one of her own! My hands been stamped! I come and go as I please!

(wry, not impressed) Well you cracked it! I warned the Queen you were gettin' close an', now it looks like we're gonna have to move the whole damn forbidden city. (chuckles with JERRY)

(getting up) Can I keep this?

No, I need it.

(absently leaving with it) Thanks.

Hi. I'm ah, I'm here to see a Mr. Art Vandelay..

I'm sorry sir, there is no Mr. Vandelay here..

(taking out wallet) Well, let me. Heh. Let me just eh.. check an', make sure I have the right man--ha! Heh, heh, heh! Seems--oh! I, oh! (has conveniently dropped the photo into her view)

Oh! She's beautiful! Who is she?

(humble) Well, if you must know, shhhe, was my fiancée, Susan. May she rest in peace.

Oh, sorry.. She was lovely. I'm Amanda.

(shaking hands) I'm George.

Good work today, K-man!

Heh, heh!

You want a drink? I'm buyin'.

In that case, make mine a double!

Jerry?

Gillian. Hiii..

Very nice to meet you.

It's nice to meet you!

She had man-hands.

(pause) Man, Hands?

The hands of a man. It's like a creature out of Greek Mythology, I mean, she was like part woman, part horrible beast.

(weary) (Look,) would you, prefer it, if she had, no hands at all?

Would she have hooks?

Do uh, do hooks make it more attractive, Jerry?

Kinda cool lookin'..

(getting up to go) Uh.. Listen, you're picking me up from my (place tomorrow)--

(leaving too) Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, I've got five, huge boxes of (buttons).

Right. Well if you need an extra set of hands, I know who you can call--

(weary) Jerry!

Kramer?!

Hey buddy! Hey!

It--eight o'clock in the morning! What the hell is goin' on?!

Breakfast. I gotta be in at Brand/Leland by nine.

Why??

Because I'm workin' there, that's why.

(disoriented) How long have I been asleep? What--what year is this?

Jerry. I don't know if you've noticed, but lately, I've been drifting, aimlessly?

(snaps fingers) Now that you mention it.

But I finally realized what's missing, in my life. Structure. An' at Brand/Leland, I'm gettin' things done. An' I love the people I'm workin' with.

How much are they payin' you?

Oh, no, no, no-no--I don't want any pay. I'm doin' this just for me.

Really. So uh, what do you do down there all day?

T.C.B. You know, takin' care o' business. Aa--I gotta go.

All right.

(leaving) I'll see you tonight, huh? (turning back, grabs his briefcase) Forget my briefcase.

W-w-wha' you got in there?

(as he leaves with it) Crackers.

Getting on the subway (everyone else is going the opposite direction). Washing his shoes at the water cooler. Eating rolls of crackers out of his briefcase. Laughing it up after hours with co-workers at a TGIF-type restaurant.

So the picture worked. Amazing!

Hey, she wants me to dress uh "smart casual." What uh, what is that?

I don't know, but you don't have it.

Right. Bye.

Where were you today?

What?

Pick. Up.

(whispers) Damn.

So? Where were you?!

Uh, here I guess, an' uh, uh I went out and picked up a paper.

(irritated, throwing down her bag) I had to ask Kevin, to leave his office an' come an' pick me up!

So? What are friends for?

Yeah! An' he is a friend, Jerry. He is reliable. He is considerate. He's like your, exact opposite.

So he's Bizarro Jerry!

(pause) Bizarro Jerry?

Yeah. Like Bizarro Superman. Superman's exact opposite, who lives in the backwards bizarro world. Up is Down. Down is Up. He says "Hello" when he leaves, "Good bye" when he arrives.

(pause) Shouldn't he say "Bad bye"? Isn't that the, opposite of "Good bye"?

No. It's still a goodbye.

Uh. Does he live underwater?

No.

Is he black..

Look. Just, forget it, (already). All right?

Wow. Man. What a day. Could I use a drink. (starts getting a drink and ice)

Tough day at the office?

Just comin' in, an' that phone just wouldn't stop.

Well, we better get goin' if we're gonna go to that uh, seven o'clock cold fusion.

Yeah. Well, count me out. I'm swimmin'. Old man Leland is bustin' my hump over these reports. If I don't get 'em done by nine, I'm toast.. ((takes a swig and reacts))

This is a fantastic place! I always thought it was a meat packing plant!

Hey! Amanda!

These are my friends. Anabelle, Justina, and Nikki. We used to model together.

Oh! Modelling! What's that like? Fun? Ha ha. (to self in head) Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

So Nikki, uh, how was Paris this time?

(petulant) A bore.

You know, I used to love Paris. My uh, dead Fiancée, Susan.. (opening wallet) In fact I. think I, I may have a picture of her..

(awed) Wow.. She was beautiful.. Do you wanna dance?

Would you like some bread, Jerry?

No.. No thanks, I'm, just not hungry.

Well, then at least drink your beer.. (she's opening the bottle--brief closeup on hands)

(to self) Oh. Twist off..

You have a little something on your face.

I can get it. (feeling his face)

Eh, no-no, No-no.. You're missing it, it's higher. (reaches over)

(friendly) It's an eyelash. Make a wish.

I don't want to.

Make a wish.

Okay. (closes eyes, blows on her finger, opens eyes, says to self) Didn't come true.

(smiles at him) Don't you just love lobster?

That Museum of Miniatures was amazing.

I know, he's so tiny!

Yeah! Hey--hey guys! Elaine, sit down. These are a couple o' my friends. Uh, this is Gene. And this guy, we.. just call "Feldman!"

(to self in head) Bizarro world..

(delighted) Jerry? It was incredible! Models! As far as the eye could see!

Then it does exist.

Yes. The legends are true.

So when are you goin' out with this girl again?

I'm not! I'm inside the walls!

So you're gonna burn that bridge.

Flame on!

(about the check) I got it.

(grabs it) No. You got it last time.

(calmly takes it) Don't worry about it.

(to self in head) This is unbelievable..

Hey Elaine, what do you think of an alarm clock, that automatically tells you the weather when you wake up?

Well, I gotta say that I think that that is a fantastic idea, Feldman!

Nah, it's not--it's just not practical.

(getting up) Well. See ya later, Elaine. Feldman an' I 'a' gotta get down 'o the library. (the three guys are leaving)

What are you gonna do down there?

Read!

(pause, then vaguely waves while watching them leave) Hello?

So, uh. Gillian's comin' over later. I think I'm gonna end it.

Uh-huh.

Those meaty paws, I feel like I'm dating George the Animal, (steer).

Yeah..

Maybe I'll chain her to the refrigerator an' sell tickets.

That's nice..

Kramer, put the paper down! You never listen to me anymore! We hardly even talk!

Well, we're, talkin' now, aren't we?--

I sit here for twenty lousy minutes in the morning--

Oh here we go--

An' then when you come home at night, you're always exhausted--we never do anything anymore!

What are you starting with me for? You know this is my crazy time o' year?!

(pause) It's your third day..

(grabs briefcase to leave) I gotta go to work. We'll talk about this later. (leaves)

Well. (calling down the hall) Call if you're gonna be late!

What? What is goin' on with you two?

Oh, I don't wanna talk about it..

All right, listen. Have you seen my addre-- (sees address book on counter) --ah! There it is. Okay. I got it. I'll see you later. (leaving)

Hey! Wait! Wait! Wait a second! Where you goin'? I-I hardly ever see you anymore.

(stops, pause) Well, I. (a little ashamed) I guess I been at Reggie's..

The Bizarro coffeeshop?

Kevin and his friends are nice people! They do good things. They read..

I read.

Books, Jerry.

(pause) Oh. Big deal..

Well! I can't spend the rest of my life coming into this stinking apartment every ten minutes to pore over the, excruciating minutia, of every, single, daily event..

(What's goin' on,) like yesterday, I go to the bank to make a deposit, an' the teller gives me this look, like--

I'll see you later man. I gotta go.

(frustrated, to self) The whole system is breakin' down!

Hello? Amanda. Hi, yes. Listen. You know, I'm thinkin', we might just be better of bein' friends. Yeah. Yeah, you know what, I can't even really talk about it right now. Bye-bye. (hangs up) (happy with himself, but then sees the burned up photo) No! No!

Friends. Just friends.

Yeah.

Yeah. All right. Well, do you still want to see a movie later?

I wish I could, but, we're friends..

I'm just gonna go, wash my hands.

Good idea. (phone's ringing, goes to it) (muttering) There's a beach towel on the rack.. (to phone) Yeah.

(frantic) Jerry! Jerry, muh--muh--my hair-dryer ruined the picture! An' I need another one or I can't get back into the forbidden city!

(to drive him crazy) Who is this..

Jerry! I need you to get another picture of man-hands. I'm beggin' you!

(pause) If I get it for you, will you take me to that club an' show me a good time?

Yes! Yes, all right--anything!

Got it. (but now a man-hand grabs his arm) Uh!

Jerry. Hey Jerry?

I'm right here. (note: he has an athletic bandage on his right hand) You're late.

Yeah, well, I got held up, you know. What happened to your hand?

Like you care.

The work piled up, I lost track of time--

(calmly getting up with plate of chicken) Oh! Sure! Sure! You an' your work! Elaine's off in the Bizarro World, George only calls when he wants something, an' I'm left sitting here like this plate of cold chicken, which, by the way, (drops chicken into sink) was, for two.

You cooked?

(calm) I ordered in. It's still effort.

(in pain) Ow! Jeez!

What's wrong?

(Ow!) It's my stomach.

You're probably gettin' an ulcer. This job is killing you! It's killing Us.

(putting briefcase down) You know what? You're right. These reports, they can wait a couple of hours. Whadda say we go out tonight? Any place you want.

The coffeeshop?

You got it, buddy.

(pleased) I'll call George!

Hey. Isn't that Elaine?

(quiet, desperate) Maybe she can get me another picture of man-hands. (calling) Elaine!

Elaine!

Elaine!

Elaine! Elaine!

GENE, KEVIN, and FELDMAN.

Hey! Elaine! Hi-i! Over here!

Jerry.. George, Kramer.. This is Kevin, Gene.. and Feldman.

(quietly crept out) This is really weird..

(diplomatically to KEVIN, GENE, and FELDMAN) Could you guys excuse us, just for a moment.

Sure. (strolls away with his friends)

(pause) Thanks. (to JERRY, GEORGE, and KRAMER) What.. what do you guys want..

Elaine, I got to have another picture of Gillian.

I tried to get him one but Man-Hands almost ripped my arm out of the socket!

(Here ya are.)

(pause, turns back to JERRY et al.) Guys. I gotta go. Take it easy.

Elaine? (she turns, sighing) Can I come?

I'm, I'm sorry.. We've already got a George..

What did you want to see me about, Mr. Leland?

Kramer, I've.. been reviewing your work.. Quite frankly, it stinks.

Well, I ah.. been havin' trouble at home and uh.. I mean, ah, you know, I'll work harder, nights, weekends, whatever it takes..

No, no, I don't think that's going to, do it, uh. These reports you handed in. It's almost as if you have no business training at all.. I don't know what this is supposed to be!

Well, I'm uh, just--tryin' to get ahead..

Well, I'm sorry. There's just no way that we could keep you on.

I don't even really work here!

That's what makes this so difficult.

Hi. George.

Are you sure you're supposed to be here?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I used to come here all the time with my fiancée, back when it was a meat-packing plant. Ha. Here's her picture. (hands her a magazine page)

What'd you do? Cut this out of a magazine or something?

Huh?

That's me? It's from a Clinique ad I did..

Ha! Heh.

Let's go. Private party. (escorts him out)

Who is it?

(off-camera) It's Lainey!

(unlocks, opens door) Hi Elaine! (warmly hugs her)

Hi (?). Oh! Oh-oh-oh-oh!

Come on in!

Okay. Hi Gene! (comfortably tosses her bag to the left, it falls on the floor) Uh-ha! (smiling, picks up her bag, puts it on a chair that's to the right)

What's up?

(friendly) Just reading..

a statue of Bizarro Superman on a stereo speaker.

Hey.. What're you doing?

Eatin' olives.

Have you ever heard of asking? (door bell rings) Who is it?

(off-screen) Feldman.. From across the hall.

(drops his suspicion and smiles, goes to door) Hold on. (unlocks and opens door) Hey.

He-ey, Kevin!

Hi.

Look who I ran into.

(testy) Hello, Kevin..

(testy) Hello, Vargus..

Ya wanna catch a ballgame this weekend?

Great! I'll see ya later! (leaves)

Okay. (to self, smiling) Vargus.. (to FELDMAN) So?

I got 'em..

All right! Hey, Elaine, Feldman was able to get us all tickets to the Bolshoi!

Oh! (comes to him)

(enthused) Fourth row, center.

Get out! (pushes him back, but he falls back on the floor!)

(to ELAINE) What is the matter with you?

Oh, Kevin! I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do?

Haven't you done enough already?

(turning to them, awkward) It's locked..

So this is it, huh?

But it--eh.. It was here, I'm tellin' you, an' w--w--it was really here! The, there was, a, bar, and a, an' a dance floor..

(dry) I guess the DJ booth was over there behind the bone saw? (really disappointed) Let's get out of here George.

At work today, I discovered there's a payphone in the lobby that has free long distance.

Oh, so what did you do?

I called the phone company an' immediately reported the error.

Nice. (doorbell rings) Who is it?

(off-screen) Feldman.. From across the hall.

(smiles, relieved) Hold on.

Kevin! Brought some groceries.

Again?! Feldman, you didn't have to do that!

Hey, what are friends for?

You know, I may not say this enough but you two are about the best friends a guy could have.

(eyes closed in hug) Oh. Me so happy. Me want to cry.