The Susie

Look how dark it's gettin' already.

Well, it's not Daylight Savings Time yet.

When does it start?

(pause) I don't know, they just tell you the night before.

Uh. Well, I'm sick o' waiting. (pulls out his pocket-watch (it has a chain, too)) I am springin' ahead riiight now.

(under breath) Oh, I'm sure that won't cause any problems..

Oh, god, it's Mike Moffit..

Oh now, don't tell me you're still mad at him for calling you a phony. Jerry, that was five years ago!

I'm not a phony an' I don't want anything to do with this guy.

Hey! Mike!

(sees and is enthused, coming over) Kramer! Jerry! How's it goin'?!

Fine. An' I'm not just sayin' that..

Guess what? I just started my own business. I'm a bookie!

No openings in arson?

(pauses, struck by J's attitude) Either of you guys wanna place a bet: I'm your guy.

(quickly) Ah no no no. No bets for me, I uh, I got a disease.

I'm feelin' a bit queasy myself. Maybe I'll see you in another five years. (casually leaves)

Kramer. Jerry still mad about that "phony" thing?

You kidding? It's all water near a bridge.

Hey, what time you got?

(pulling out his timepiece) Oh yes. Uh.. it's aaalmost six.

Whoa--uh--I'm really late. (leaves)

Oh! These designs look great! Peggy, you really saved me.

Oh, it was no problem.

(leaving with the drawings) Mr. Peterman is gonna love 'em.

(focusing on her work) Thanks, Susie.

You won't believe this but, as I'm leaving, she calls me "Susie."

I don't see you as a Susie. Sharon maybe.

What am I, a--a bulimic, chain-smoking, stenographer from Staten Island?

Who are you describing?

Someone I know.

Named Sharon?

I'd rather not say.

Hey.

(to say hello) Mmm! What's in the bag?

(sitting) Newww tuxedo. For the Pinstripe Ball. Steinbrenner is throwing a huge party at Tavern on the Green, heh!

Kind of a Yankee prom?

(resentfully dampened) It's not a prom. It's a Ball.

You taking Allison?

Yes, of course I'm taking Allison. This woman is genetically engineered to go to a ball. Tall, blonde, lithe--

Live?

Lithe.

Live?

(rolling her eyes) Lithe!

Oh, lithe!

Well, you two'll have a great time there.

It can't be worse than this.

Mmm!

An' wait'll you see the dress that she's got. It's backless! Uh?! I'm finally gonna make a Great Entrance!

Backless? Ya gonna back her in?

Elaine, when a woman makes a Ball Entrance.. she twirls.

She's not gonna twirl--

She'll Twirl.

That is what Mr. Steinbrenner wants. He wants, everyone, ta, twirl around.

(weary) All right.

Hey! Uh--listen--did you get your--uh--boss's Knick ticket, for Kramer?

(digging in purse) Yeah, uh--here. (hands him ticket)

Oh! Great!

Uh. Say, George--

Woo! Courtside! (mock-snide) Is that the best you could do? Ha ha!

(sitting) George. We need to talk.

What?

I really, think we need to talk.

(pause) Uh-oh.

She wants to talk.

She doesn't Want to talk, she needs to talk.

Nobody needs to talk.

Who would Want to. She tried to end it with me, Jerry.

What'd ya do?

I told her I was out o' soda, I went out to get some, an' I never went back.

(pause) All night?!

Yeah, I slept at my parents' house.

And she wants to break up with you..

Ha! (snort) Can you believe it? (amused) I'm supposed to be havin' lunch with her right now at Pomodoro.

Uh-oh. "Everybody breaks up at Pomodoro's."

So? What'm I gonna do?

You really like this girl.

No. I like the ball! This is my One Chance to make a Great Entrance! My whole life! I have never made a great entrance!

You've made some Fine Exits.

(admitting) All right..

So what do you do? You can't keep avoiding her.

(resolved) Why not. (determined) If she can't find me, she can't break up with me. And, if we're still goin' out, she has to gooo to the ballll.

(suddenly entering) Hey, oh--listen. Did you get my ticket from Allison--

Yeah, yeah, right here. (hands it to him)

All right! Yeah.. Courtside.. Whoa! Don't let this girl get away..

(clipping on shades) Ha.. She'll have to find me first. (leaving)

(All right.) (to Jerry) Ah? Oh, by the way: you owe Mike a hundred dollars.

What for?

Well I put a bet down for ya on tonight's game. Yeah, if the Knicks beat the Pacers by more than thirty-five? It pays ten to one. Oo-oo! That's some sweet action!

But I don't want any "sweet action."

Well, I couldn't do it: I got a gamblin' problem.

So you put down my money?!

(impatient sigh) You don't have a problem.

Not (with) that, no..

Susie. Susie!

(coming in) Uh.. Hi, Peggy. Um.. Look, I should have said this yesterday, but--

Did you get this memo from Elaine Benes?

Yeah. See that--

(preoccupied) You know, it's amazing Peterman hasn't fired that dolt. She practically ran the company into the gro-ound.

Well. Well, I thought she did a pretty good Job..

I heard she was a disaster, Suze--

(testy, leans into Peggy's personal space) Look-it. It's not Suze. All right? It's Su-zie. My name, is Su-zie!

(on tape, singing) "Believe it or not, George, isn't at home, please leave a mes-saaage at the beep. I must be out or I'd pick up the pho-one. Where could I be? Believe it or not, I'm not hooome." (beep)

George, pick up. I know you're screening for Allison.

(answers phone, good mood) Hey.

So, coffee shop?

No, I can't. She knows I go there. It's not secure. (the call waiting beeps) Hey, I got another call comin' in. I gotta let the machine get it. Bye. (hangs up)

(on tape, singing) "Believe it or not, George, isn't at home, please leave a mes-saaage at the beep. I must be out or I'd pick up the pho-one. Where could I be? Believe it or not, I'm not hooome." (beep)

(on phone machine, peeved) George? Are you there? (muttering) I hate that stupid message. (terse) I know you're avoiding me, I'm at the office, please call me, I've gotta talk to you. (hangs up)

(to phone) Hi, Allison? Oh, I guess you're not at home.. I probably should 'ave tried you at the office. Anyway, good to hear from ya, really looking forward to the ball.. (hangs up and happily chuckles) Ha ha!

Can you believe this woman?

(ironic outrage) The nerve. Talkin' about ya behind your back--and right to your face!

No. "Suze!" I mean, "Suzie!" "Suzanne!" "Suzanna." Fine! But there is no, way, I'm gonna be a Suze.

No. No Suze.

(tense) I mean--what am I--some pom-pom-wavin' Backseat Bimbo?!

Who are you describin'?

Someone I know!

Named Suze?

No, still Sharon!

(comes in, subdued) Hey. (grabs a water from refrigerator)

Hey, I thought you went to the game.

No. I was kicked out for fightin' with one of the players. (leaving)

Wait. Way--way--way--way--way--way--wait! Who?!

(stops) W--Reggie Miller.

Cheryl Miller's brother?

Yeah. (leaving)

Hey--hey--hey--wait, wait, wait, wait! What happened!

(stops again) Well, first of all, for some reason, they started the game an hour Late. And uh, I was sittin' next to Spike Lee an' he an' Reggie were jawin' at each other, so I guess I got involved. (leaving)

(same time as Jerry) --Wait, whoa--whoa--whoa--whoa!--

Well--wait--wait--wait--wait! What do you mean "involved"?!

(stops again) Well I.. ran out onto the court an' threw a hotdog at Reggie Miller. "Involved." An' they threw meee, an' Reggie, an' Spike out o' the game.

So that's it?

Well I, well I, felt, pretty bad about everything an' uh, then the three of us, we went to a strip club. (leaves)

Can you believe that?

I didn't know Cheryl Miller's brother played basketball.

(suddenly comes back, excited) The Knicks killed 'em a hundred an' ten to seventy three!

What--of course, without Reggie Miller, it's a blowout!

No, Jerry--that's thirty-seven points! The Knicks covered! You won! See, that's a cooool-G, Daddy-O--now you gotta let it riiiide!

On what?!

(real addict) Ah, come-on, Jerry--I don't wanna lose this feeling. Hey--let's go down to the O.T.B. We'll put some money on the ponies. (getting out pocket-watch)

Yeah, all right.

(looking at watch) Ssssh--ah! They just closed!

(not) Oh. Too Bad.

Mr. Peterman? You wanted to see me?

Apparently Peggy--down in Design?--got into a liiiittle bit of a Tiff yesterday with somebody named, "Susie"?

Su-sie?

Yes. Between you, me and the lamppost. And the desk. Peggy says this "Suze" isn't much of a Worker.

(nit) It's Susie.

Nevertheless, Elaine. The House, of Peterman is in Disorder. First thing tomorrow morning I want to see you, Peggy, and, Susie right here, in my office.

(dismayed) Ah, all o'--all of us?

Allison. Hi. Uh--listen: I'm really sorry about what happened at the game last night. Listen--could I have a ticket tonight--'cause the Rockets are in town an' that, Hakeem Olajuwon? Ohhh--he's got a real attitude.

Kramer? Have you seen George, around? I can't get a hold of him.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, he--uh--visits the guy across the hall from me like every ten minutes.

Oh yeah?

(singing) Believe it or not, Geooorge isn't at home.

(comes up) Hey. Jerry.

Hey Mike.. How 'bout those Knicks?

(a little anxious) Yeah! How 'bout 'em? Ha ha. Look, Jerry. I can't pay you.

Why not?

'Cause I don't have the money..

Mike. You say you're a bookie? You take a bet an' then you can't pay? I don't know, Mike, to me it sounds a little, how you say.. "Phony"?

Just give me 'til Friday. Please. Please!

You know, you're supposed to be the Bookie. Act like one.

I'm sorry. Uh--oh here--let me give you a hand with that.

(trying to shut the trunk hood) Something wrong with this trunk.

Oh. Let me see.

So--ah, Kramer. Why'd you ask me out to dinner? (amused) An' why Pomodoro?

(quiet, delicately) Allison spoke to me, and um. She wanted me to speak to you.

(quiet) Uh-oh.

We all know that this relationship isn't working. So Allison an' I think that the best thing to do is just.. make a, clean break.

Can't we discuss this?

(reasoning) We just don't think you're ready for a serious relationship!

(dismayed) I didn't even know you wanted to get serious!

(dismayed) So what am I in this for? You know, I'm getting to a point in my life where I need something more than just.. a good time. (is tearing up)

(pause) Are you?

Wha--me? No! No. But she is.

I, I can't believe this is happening!

George, we're sorry.

Krama. Please.

(leaves, upset) Waaa-aa--aa! I'm sorry--

(entering, uneasy) Mr. Peterman, Peggy, I.. guess we, should just get this over with. (sits)

Just Hold On a minute. Still One Short.

Oh. No, we're not--

Susie has been very rude to me.

Well, Elaine, has nothing but Good things to say about Susie.

Look. (engaging smile) We don't have to name names, or, point fingers, or.. (breathes in) name names! (indicating empty chair) Me and her, have had our problems. She and I have had our problems! You and I, and she and you--

Don't you drag me into this! This is between you and her, and her. (indicating empty chair)

Yes! And I am convinced that if she were here with us today, she would agree with me, too.

Who.

(uh-oh) Her?

Where is she?!

Ah--this is part of the problem!

Iiii thought I was, part of this problem.

(smiling, convincing) You're a, huuge part of the problem. But, I think that at it's core, this is a Susie-and-Elaine problem that requires, a Susie-and-Elaine solution! And, who better to do that than.. Elaine and Susie! Susie and Elaine!

Well, now that we have that cleared up.. why don't the three of us have lunch.

(feigning hearing something) What?! Oh! Oh, I'm, coming! I--I gotta go. (rushes out!)

She is The Best. What was your name again.

Mike's outside. He wants to talk to you.

Well why doesn't he just come in?

Because he's scared, Jerry.

Why is he scared.

(sighs, opens door) Come on in. Did you do this? (Mike has two hand casts on)

Yeah, but--

Uh--ah--ah! You broke his thumbs.

It was an accident.

Oh, is that what you call it when, Somebody doesn't Pay Up?

(desperate) I'll get you the money, Jerry. I got a hundred dollars in my front pocket if you want to, reach in an' take it!

(hands up) I don't want it that way.

Nuh! Okay Jerry, how about if Mike fixes your truuunk, we call it even, an' this way, nobody has to get hurt.

(whatever) Fine..

Oh--uh--thank you, Jerry, thank you! I won't forget this, I'm gonna fix your trunk good--real good!

See that was nice, Jerry. (under breath) Oh, by the way, I'm the one who broke your trunk.

Ah, it's just a car.

Hi.

(looking down, nodding) Hi.

It's, funny runnin' into you here.

Yeah, yeah..

(embarrassed/self-conscious about his gut) Do I? Thanks.. You too..

Ooo, yeah.. (indicating his face, embarrassed) (Heh, right.) You know, it's gettin' kind of late, I, I really have to be going, so, uh, it's nice seeing you again, all right--

(sad) Yeah! Yeah. Hey--hey you, you know.. Maybe I'll call you sometime.

George, it's over. It's just.. It's Over. (leaves)

(pause) What do you think, Jerry.

(wistful) I don't know, I just see you guys together.

Thumbs!

(from inside the trunk) Oh! Help! Somebody, help! Help!

So Peterman bought it? I can't believe you got away with that!

Well, I'm very fortunate to be surrounded by such stupidity.

Yeah, I know how you feel.

Do you hear something?

What?

Oh, the trunk's broken, it's rattling.

Jerry, I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. They're starting to give Susie assignments now!

Well, there's only one thing to do. Eliminate her.

What?

(firmly matter-of-fact) Get Rid of Susie. Make her disappear.

I kinda like her.

She's Gooone.

Jerry--

(impatient) Gone! (starts maniacally laughing) (briefly stops to point and explain) That bumper sticker.

(desperately anxious) Oh God, I'm in trouble..

Krama. Open up! I--I know you're in there!

(opens door) Uh--George, uh--uh--it's five o'clock in the morning, what's the matter with you..

(sad) It's only four..

Huh?

I--I've been, walkin' around all night.. I've been thinkin' about Allison and me.. an' you--

Oh. Oh, George.

Please. Give me another chance.

(regretfully) Uh.. I know I'm gonna regret this. (sigh) All right.

(grateful, relieved) Thank you! I'm gonna make you both so happy!

All right, all right, I'll see ya later. (shuts door)

(delighted!) Woooo!

Elaine! Where's Susie? I want her to head up our new Fingerless Glove Division.

(quiet) Oh, but I thought I was in line for that assignment.

Mmmmm--nah.

All right, then, I was gonna wait, to tell ya this, but.. last night, Susie.. (difficult subject, quiet) she took her own Life..

(happy, enthused) We're takin' George back--

What?!

He's gonna make us very happy.

(quiet) Look at this turnout.

(quiet) Where did Susie find the time to meet all these people..

(irritated) Your funeral's not gonna come close to this.

(to herself) Oh my god! (quiet) Susie?

(quiet) Oh, oh--ho--I'm not Susie.. I'm Elaine.

But I've been calling you Susie.

Oh! Hadn't noticed! Excuse me. (she's going to the podium)

I guess I never met Susie.

(privately amused) Suze? I actually had a little thing with her for a while. (indicating Elaine) Her too.

What can you say about a girl like Susie? (she doesn't know..)

Hey.

Where's uh, where's Allison..

Oh, Allison, she didn't want to come.

But you took me back.

Well, yeah, I did, but she's a tough nut. How d'ya like the tuxedo. It's a rental but I've had it for fifteen years. All right, eh. (heading in)

Where are you goin'..

The Ball, silly.

(afraid not) No no, no no no. You're not goin' in there.

George. I thought you were gonna Change.

(impatient) For her. Not for you.

(light admonishing, under breath) Let's just try, an' have a nice time for once, an' we'll talk about this when we get home..

All right, look--wait--wait--Krama--wait, wait a minute, you are not. You are not goin' in. Ah-ahhh!

Wow! What an, Entrance! (friendly, to George) And eh, who might this be?

Oh, I'm with him.

Oh. Ah-ha..

And.. also, much like me, Susie hated going to the, Market.

Elaine! May I say a few words.

Oh, god, yes, Mr. Peterman. (steps down)

(steps up to the podium, refreshed) Ahhh. I don't think I'll ever be able to forget Susie--ahhh. And most of all, I will never, forget that one night. Working late on the catalogue. Juuust the two of us. And we surrendered to temptation. And it was Pretty Good.

(proud to Peggy, under his breath) Yeah, but he didn't sleep with both of 'em. (winks)

But Iiii never heard her Cries for Help. (sighs) An' nowww.. Susie is gone.

(running in, still hoarse, desperate!) Hold on! Hol--on! Susie didn't commit suicide! (rushes up to podium!) She was Murdered, by Jerry, Sein-feld!

(smugly, under-his-breath) Not only that, I broke his thumbs.

Elaine? Guess what. I've decided to Form a Charitable Foundation, in Susie's honor. And as Susie's best friend, I want you to be involved.

Mr. Peterman.. (leaning forward, whispering) I'm Susie.. She's me..

(leans forward, whispers carefully) I feel the same way. (announcing) And that's why this foundation will meet around Your Schedule. Nights! Weekends! Every, Free Moment you have. (leaving, pats her shoulders confidently)

(looks up, screaming in frustration!) Suuuuuuuuuuze!