The Money

Well, that was alright, huh?

Yeah.

Well, um, goodnight.

Goodnight.

31. Kramer is lying on his back, sleeping. Beside him, Emily lies face-down, sleeping, with her arms flung out wide. One hand is on the pillow above Kramer's head, then it moves and Emily's forearm runs across Kramer's face, waking him. Kramer looks disgruntled at being awakened.

(quietly, to himself) Look at this.

11. A wide awake Kramer is right over to the edge of the bed, with Emily cuddled up to him, sleeping happily. Kramer tries to carefully move, so as to not wake Emily, but as he shifts his weight, he slips off the end of the mattress and falls to the floor. Emily rolls into the space vacated, continuing to sleep.

Jerry, we can only stay four days.

Well, I'm upset, but we'll make the most of it.

Helen, did you pack my travel gym?

Yes. (to Jerry) Oh, your father bought a exercise device off the television. He does it every morning at four.

Only twenty-five minutes a day, and you can attach it to any doorknob.

Huh. So, I guess your travel miles are about to expire.

Well, actually, Jerry, we wanted to talk to you about something.

Am I finally getting a baby brother?

Jerry, be serious.

How would you feel if we sold the Cadillac?

What? The Cadillac I bought for you?

It's too much car, Jerry.

Aw, c'mon, you love that car. What about the Northstar system?

I don't think we even use it.

Well, it's a gift and I want you to keep it.

We already sold it.

Wh..why didn't you tell me before you sold it?

Because we had a buyer, and we couldn't get a free flight until now.

Well, we could, but we wanted the bulkhead.

(exasperated) Ugh.

(to Jerry) Man, that Emily is wearing me out.

Kramer.

No, no, no. It's not the sex, Jerry. (noticing Morty and Helen) Heyy! Seinfelds.

Hi Kramer.

Hiya Kramer.

We're in the middle of a discussion here.

Oh yeah? What about?

Jerry's upset we sold the Cadillac.

What'd you get for it?

Jack Klompus gave us six grand.

You sold my Cadillac to Jack Klompus?

(trying to press the cheque on Jerry) And we want you to have the money.

(getting worked up) I don't need the money.

What're you talking about? You had a cheque bounce at the bodega.

(animated) Oh, is that what this is all about?! I bounce a cheque and you sold a Cadillac?!

Well, also, Jerry, we read an article in the Sun Sentinel. (digs in her purse and extracts a newspaper clipping) It says standup comedy is not what it used to be, what with def jam and all.

Yeah, that def jam is a force.

Jerry, you know, I hear wonderful things about Bloomingdales' executive training program.

(sits on the back of the couch) Oh my god.

Y'know you've given this comedy thing your best shot. Yeah, you had some good observations, but it's over. Now, this Bloomingdale thing, that could be the next wave.

Uh, excuse me. Uh, pound of Arabian mocha java, please.

So, you understand how my Peterman stock options are gonna work?

I'm going to the bathroom.

Just, very interesting.

Yeah, when it's your money, it's fascinating.

Arabian mocha java?

(looks for George) Mmm. (can't see him) Oh, um, I got it.

That Arabian is strong coffee.

It's PLO blend.

Ohh, I got your coffee.

Oh Oh, here, lemme uh...

(waving away) Nah, nah, it's on me. (looks at her watch) Aww, man. Okay, listen guys, I'm gonna be late. (taking her cup of coffee) I'll see you, okay? (begins to walk away)

Yeah.

Bye.

Mmm.

You see what just happened here?

What?

She treated me to the Arabian mocha java.

And you misinterpret this how?

She's stickin' it to me that she makes more money than me.

I'm sure she was just being nice, buying you the coffee.

No, not nice. She's stickin' it to me.

You're crazy.

(worked up) Stickin' it to me, Jerry.

George.

(angry) Stickin' it!

So you're buying the car back for your parents?

I'm flying down to Florida tomorrow.

Your parents'll never let you do it.

They lied to me about selling the car. I'll lie to them about buying it back. They think they can dump six grand on me? Think again.

What kind of money you think your parents have?

Excuse me?

I bet they have more money than mine.

Come on, your parents have money.

You think?

When did they ever spend any money?

Never.

What are their living expenses?

Nothing.

Where do they ever go on vacation?

Nowhere.

How much money d'you think they have?

Few hundred grand?

(excited) You're saying I stand to inherit three hundred thousand dollars, is that what you're saying?!

Course you may not see it for twenty years.

Twenty years? That long?

Does your father still eat bacon and eggs every day?

Fortunately, yes.

How's your family history?

I have an aunt that died at seven.

Really?

Aunt Baby.

Elaine. Uh, you got a moment?

Yeah, Kramer, come on in.

I, uh, need to speak to you about some lady problems.

(unsure) Oh-kay.

(a little anxious) You know, after I have sex with Emily, uh, I don't want her in the bed any more.

Ah.

Yeah, because she's throwing off my whole sleep. She's got the jimmy legs.

(confused) Jimmy legs?

Jimmy leg.

(grasping the concept) Ohh.

So, uh, well, maybe I should just be honest with her, huh?

Tell her after sex, you just want her outta there?

Well, I'd say it nicely.

I don't think so.

Well, you know, I really like this girl and I, you know, I think if I could just work out this one thing...

(interrupting) Yeah. I gotta be honest with you Kramer. You might be more than just a coupla tweaks away from a healthy relationship.

Well you're not exactly zeroing in yourself, lady.

(pointing to the door, angry) Alright, get out.

(impatient) Get out!

So listen, I gotta go down to Atlantic City. I'm performing at Bally's.

You just heard about this today?

(pulling on a jacket) They had a cancellation and they instantly called me.

Who cancelled?

Carrot Top. I told you, my career's fine.

I been, uh, thinking about the family. Tell me, uh, about Aunt Baby.

(looks up to heaven) She's deceased.

(glances upwards) Yeah. Uhm, why did she die so young?

(looks to Estelle) She had problems. (Estelle nods) Internal.

Is that common in our family?

Well, your uncle Moe, he died a young man.

Also internal problems.

It's that temper on your side. They're yelling and yelling, and then one day, they're all gone.

What about your side? Your cousin Hennie. (animated) She was sickly from the moment I met her!

(shouts) Don't you talk about Hennie!

I guess you two are the lucky ones.

So far.

Frank, if Aunt Baby were alive today, how old would she be?

She'd never make it.

So let me get this straight. You enjoy the lovemaking...

Shh, shh.

(quieter) Well, do you?

Oh yeah, like strawberry pie.

Okay, but you have a problem sharing a bed with me?

I know it's not what the ladies like. But without some solid sack time, I'm a zombie.

I don't know.

(pleading) Aww, c'mon, man. Meet me halfway.

You're not easy, Kramer.

I know.

So, to what do I owe the pleasure of this, unannounced, visit?

I wanna buy back the Cadillac.

You wanna buy it back? Why, you go drugs hidden in the trunk?

I'm kidding.

(reaching into his pocket) Alright, I'll give you nine thousand for it.

Nine thousand for a Cadillac? It's got no miles on it.

You bought it for six!

You're not me.

(standing) How much d'you want for it?

The Kelly blue book value. Twenty-two thousand dollars.

Fourteen thousand.

Done. But, I get to drive it tomorrow, because Doris wants to go to Naples.

Need a pen?

Still works.

Hey, where's Jerry?

He's performing at Bally's in Atlantic City.

Aw, okay. (picks up the phone and starts dialling) Yeah, I need his shoeshine kit. (still dialling) He always hides it from me. (puts the phone to his ear and waits for a second or two) Yeah, Bally's? Yeah, Jerry Seinfeld's room, please.

You know that number?

I used to have a problem. (into phone) Well, what d'you mean, he's not registered? Wha..S, E, I, N, V...

F. F, E, L , D.

...F, E, L, D. (half-laughing) Well, I think you're wrong. (listens) Alright, you have a lucky day, too.

He's not there?

No, they never heard of him.

This is so nice of you to take us all out to dinner, George.

(oozing fake sincerity) Well, as much as I enjoy all the good-natured ribbing, nothing really makes me happier than spending money on the people I care about.

Where's Jerry?

Oh, he'll be here. By the way, Elaine, (reaches under the table and brings out a large coffee machine) thank you for laying out for the Arabian mocha java.

George, you didn't have to do this. I'm president of a big company. I can afford to buy you coffee.

(surprised) President?

Yeah.

Hey look, he's back.

I got your message, (sitting) so I came straight from Atlantic City.

Jerry, Kramer called Bally's. You weren't registered.

(extemporising) Well, I can't stay under my own name. I was registered under Slappy White.

Mom? Dad?

Well, look who's here. Hello, Seinfelds.

Wh..what're you doing here?

We're having an upscale dinner.

What?

Well, after talking to you, we realised we may not have much time left.

So, we're blowing it all.

(holding out his tie) Look George, it's a Pierre Cardin.

That was alright.

Yeah.

(abruptly) Well, I'll see you.

Hello.

(shouting like there's a bad line) Jerry, I had a little mishap with the car.

I'm down here in alligator alley. You better get down here.

(quiet) Huh. Alright.

Who was that?

(extemporising) That was the Golden Nugget. Also in Atlantic City. They heard such good things about my show at Bally's, they want me for tonight. So I'll have to repack, and go.

That didn't sound like the Golden Nugget.

I'm worried. What happens if we have to support Jerry?

I'd have to go back to work.

Where would you work?

Maybe I should talk to Elaine.

Well, Mr Seinfeld, I..I'm not sure I understand why you want a job here.

What's not to understand?

Well, for one thing, you live in Florida.

I'm very comfortable working outta the house. I have a phone, we have a Kinko's nearby. You know, I think that my resume speaks for itself.

(looking around her desk) Where is your resume?

I don't have it. I'll mail you one.

Alright, Mr Seinfeld, I... What kind of position did you have in mind?

You sell clothes here, don't you?

Yeah.

Well, I sold raincoats in the garment centre for thirty-eight years. In nineteen forty-nine...

(interrupting) Alright. Alright, alright. You come in tomorrow, we'll find something for you to do.

You won't regret this, Miss Benes. What time should I be in? I get up at four, I could be here as early as four twenty-five.

Uhm...

(upbeat) Oh, Elaine, this dry air is curing me like a Black Forest ham.

(stunned) Mr Peterman. You're back.

Who's Mr Fancy?

(hesitant) I uh, I was thinking maybe I should spend the night.

Aww, that's sweet, but actually I, I think I'd prefer it if you left.

(surprise) What?

You were completely right. I sleep so much better when I'm alone. (pause) And you scream in your sleep.

I do?

(fearful) There was a man, he was trying to get into my apartment last night. He was jiggling the doorknob for twenty-five minutes.

C'mon, it was probably the wind.

No, no, no. It was a fearless cat burglar. (pleading) Now listen, you gotta let me sleep here, huh? Y'know, I'll stay here on my side, and I'll stuff a sock in my mouth. (panicky) 'Cos I don't wanna sleep alone.

(adamant) Well, I do.

What took you so long?

I live in New York. (slams the cab door) What the hell happened?

This thing is a, is a behemoth.

What did you do?

I was, I was making a, a simple lane change. I, I put on the blinker and it took off on me. And the next thing you know, I was submerged. I'm telling you, Jerry, I'm very lucky that those crocs didn't get me.

(exasperation) You are such an idiot. Well, we gotta get the car cleaned up for my parents.

(shrugging) Do whatever you want. It's your car.

My car? You drove it into the swamp!

It drove itself into the swamp! Besides, I think I lost my pen, too.

(smiling with pleasure) You know, that almost makes this all worthwhile.

(pointing outside) Why is there a Cadillac parked in front of the house?

That's your mother's new car.

You bought that?

It's a Coupe de Elegance.

Your father wanted a Mercedes, but I won't ride in a German car.

Mornin'.

Oh, boy.

What the hell is going on here?

I had some trouble at my place, so I need a little company at night to sleep.

George, your mother and I, and Kramer (holds Kramer's hand) have been talking.

(dread) Oh god.

Uh, George, your parents can't blow through their savings in this community. It's low-rent. Now, we feel that Florida is really the place where they should be.

(claps his hands) You can drop a grand in Disneyworld, like that.

Wait a minute. (astonished) You're thinking of moving to Florida again?!

Well, it's either that or we stay here, near you, and just sit on the money. What do you think we should do, Georgie?

So, anyway, effective immediately, Miss Benes will return to her old position, at her original salary...

...and I, of course, will return to mine. Kudos, Elaine, on a job... done.

(hardly daring to ask) What about my stock options?

I think not.

Now, down to business. (thoughtful) I have had this vision of a diaphanous rum-runner scarf.

Well, we could fly some fabric in from our silk factories, for about a thousand dollars a bolt.

(shocked) A thousand?! I know a coupla Chinamen over there on Forty-third Street, who'll do it for half that.

(tactful) It's, ah, Asian-Americans.

What?

(puzzled) Who are you?

Don't worry, I...

Morty Seinfeld. I cut velvet for forty years with Harry Altman.

Okay, Mr Seinfeld, this is not the t...

Elaine, did you hire this man?

(worried) No, no. Well, I mean, you know, he's more like an intern, you know, at best.

So, if your parents move to Florida, you're poor.

(pointing out the positive) But happy.

Obviously. And if they stay, you're rich, but...

Obviously.

Quite a dilemma. You know, I have a bit of a dilemma of my own.

No, no. No, no, no. (determined) We're staying on me. We haven't solved anything yet.

Alright, this is easy. Let 'em go.

What d'you mean, let 'em go? They're spending all my money.

Alright, well, then they stay. Lemma ask you something...

(upset) Could you put a little thought into this? Jerry's gone, you could humour me. He humours me.

Speaking of Jerry, his father is driving me so crazy down at Peterman's.

You know what I do at the Yankees, when one of these old guys is breathing down my neck?

What?

You schedule a late meeting.

(puzzlement) Huh? What does that do?

These old guys, they're up at 4 a.m., by two thirty they're wiped. (animated) How did we get back onto you?!

(grabbing her bag and coat) I gotta split.

(shouted after Elaine) You know, I got nothing outta this!

Hey Frank, you got two beds in here.

That's right. That's me on the left.

So, you sleep in separate beds.

Thirty years ago, we came to an agreement. It was the only way I could get some rest.

(intrigued) Really?

(confidential) Estelle's got the (jerks his elbow) jimmy arms.

You can get that in your arms?

Like you wouldn't believe.

Jerry, it's getting late. You've cleaned up the car. You've made all your phone calls. Why are you still here?

Well, I uh, maxed out my credit cards, and I don't have enough cash for a hotel room. So...

You are uh, thinking of staying here?

Well...

(laughing) You've got some nerve. I almost break my neck in that death-trap of yours, and now you ask me for a favour!

You didn't like that crack about the pen.

I did not.

Well, I've given this a lot of thought, and I've gotta say...

(attempting sincerity) As much as I'd like to see the two of you living it up in a warm, tropical, setting, I, I would just miss you too much. (smiling) So, I've decided, I want you to stay.

It's too late. We bought a condo at Del Boca Vista. We're leaving tonight.

(crestfallen) But you said it was my call.

We were just being nice.

(motherly concern) Cosmo, are you sure you're gonna be alright here alone?

Oh, yeah, yeah. I got Emily coming over tonight.

(animated) You're letting him have a woman over?!

He's not family. It's different, psychologically.

And so, I made an explosive out of chick peas, and I stopped that great rhino right in his tracks.

Well, it's getting kinda late, why don't we uh...

Mr Peterman, that can't have been the only time that you faced mortal danger.

(smiles and laughs) Ha ha ha. Funny you should ask, Elaine.

Look, if we're gonna stay here until all hours of the night, can we at least get some food here?

(looks at his watch) It's only five fifteen. So, later on that same day, I developed a great hankering for some wild honey...

(standing) Okay, I'm done. I'll be back in the morning, when he's close to finish with his story.

Morty. My stories are what sell these clothes.

Cheap fabric, and dim lighting. That's how you move merchandise.

(winks) Morty, you're out.

(unconcerned) Ach, I never knew what the hell I was peddling with those stupid cartoons and that paper book, anyway.

I don't know why I let you talk me into that corned beef at Snitzer's.

(not looking up from her book) No-one held a gun to your head.

(dismissive) Yeah.

(still reading) Don't forget, we're eating dinner at the Feinerman's tomorrow night.

(moody) Oh, why do I have to go? They're your friends.

You like 'em.

I've had it with 'em.

Then we won't go.

(yielding) Okay, okay. What time?

Eight thirty.

(satisfied) Ahh. That was alright.

'One bright note in today's market, was the stock of retailer J Peterman, whose founder's surprise return generated a rise of twelve and a half points.'

Mmm-mmm-mmm. That means, if you still had those stock options...

(downcast) Yeah.

(Jerry-style) That's a shame.

(sharp) What, are you sticking it to me?

(innocent) What?

I think you're sticking it to me.

Elaine, I'm sure George is just being sympathetic.

(leaning forward and accusing) Stickin' it!

You're not alone. I'm practically broke.

Really?

No. But, I did blow over twenty thousand on that Cadillac.

(relishing) Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm. Delicious.

Well, you seem happy.

I am. The folks are twelve hundred miles away. (gleeful) I'm basking in the buffer zone. (looks for the waitress) 'Nother piece of pie here!

So, were your parents shocked to see the Cadillac?

Actually, I haven't heard from 'em yet.

Hmm.

When are we gonna tell Jerry?

I don't wanna worry him. We'll tell him next time we go up.

He thought he could buy back that Cadillac for us? He's not getting away with that.

Besides, that condo was too much house.

How many times can you check the car?

(coming away from the window) I saw a bum sleeping in a Cadillac the other day.

Why would someone break into a car to take a nap?

They don't nap. They make it their home. They urinate in there!

(shouts) You're driving me crazy!

(standing) That's it, we're going back to Queens. (claps hands) Where's my hat?

(shouts) Nooh!