Full screenplay script transcript for Seinfeld S06E01: The Chaperone
11 Scenes316 Lines
Scene 1
Opening Scene
21 lines
Baseball is so associated with sex. "He's playing the field," "Hoo, he scored," "oh, he didn't get to first base." "I struck out." "Why?" "She wanted a diamond." It's always about baseball. Always baseball. As far as baseball goes, I prefer the fat umpires...I feel if you're on the field and you're not in the game, you should be in the worst physical condition a human being could possibly be in. They should be allowed to eat during the game. We're a little too into sports in this country, I think we gotta throttle back. Know what I mean? People come home from these games, "We won! We won!" No, they won - you watched.
A LOCKER ROOM AT YANKEE STADIUM. GEORGE IS HELPING DANNY TARTABULL WITH HIS SWING.
George
O.K., Danny, take a swing. (Tartabull swings the bat.) N-No! No! No! You're opening up your shoulder.
Tartabull
Really?
George
No, not really. I'm just saying this to you because I like to hear myself talk. Yes, really!
Tartabull (wiping Sweat From His Brow)
Alright, alright.
George
What are all sweatin' for?
Tartabull
It's hot in this uniform.
George
Hot? (Feels Tartabull's material.) What is this?
Tartbull
What is what?
George
This uniform, what's it made from?
Tartbull
I don't know, cotton?
George
No. This is not cotton. Here, lemme see. (Tries to look at the tag on the uniform. Tartabull gets creeped out and resists.) Will you stop it? (Looks at the tag.) Oh. Of course. Polyester!
Tartabull
So?
George
I can't believe you're not playing in cotton.
Tartabull
Well, this is what they give us.
George
You know they used to make leisure suits out of this fabric?
Tartabull
You really think cotton's better?
George
Of course! Alright, maybe I'll say something to Buck.
Tartabull
Yeah, good idea. Catch ya later. (Leaves.)
George
Hey, don't embarrass me today. I got some friends in the stands. (George makes a swinging motion with an imaginary bat and pulls something in his back.)
Scene 2
Jerry and Elaine Watching the Ball Game in the Stands.
22 lines
Hot Dog Vendor
Hot dogs here! Yankee franks!
Elaine
Oh, you want one?
Jerry
Yeah.
Elaine
I'll get it. (Reaches in her bag for money.)
Jerry
That's alright, I got it.
Elaine
Jerry!
Jerry
Elaine, stop it.
Elaine
Hey, just because I'm not working doesn't mean I haven't got any money. (To vendor) Yo! Dogs! Two!
Jerry
I'm sorry.
Announcer On P.a. System
Your attention please...the New York Yankees would like to welcome Miss Connecticut, Miss Rhode Island and Miss North Dakota, all of whom will be competing in the Miss America pageant this weekend in Atlantic City. (The three contestants make their way to their seats, right across the aisle from Jerry and Elaine.)
Jerry (to Elaine)
Now, there's a career path you may have overlooked.
Elaine
Ooh, I gotta check my machine. I'm waiting to hear about an interview. Doubleday is looking for somebody to replace Jackie Onassis.
Jerry
Oh, she worked at Doubleday...?
Elaine
Yeah, she was an editor.
Jerry
Right, just like you.
Elaine
Yeah. Can you hold my seat? (Elaine gets up.)
Crowd
Hey! Down in front! (Elaine clambers over Jerry and exits.)
Jerry (offers A Hot Dog To Miss Rhode Island)
Hot dog?
Miss Rhode Island
No, thanks. I'm watching my weight.
Jerry
Ah. I'm watching my height. My doctor doesn't want me to get any taller. So you're Miss, uh...
Miss Rhode Island
Rhode Island.
Jerry
I was almost Mr. Coffee. They felt I was a little too relaxed. (Miss Rhode Island laughs.)
Scene 3
Jerry and George in Jerry's Apartment Later That Day.
22 lines
George
Miss Rhode Island? When are you seeing her?
Jerry
Tonight. I have to call her, she's staying in a hotel.
George
You're incredible.
Jerry
And get this - I'm working in Atlantic City this weekend, and she's going to be down there for the pageant.
George
What if she becomes Miss America? You could be dating Miss America, Jerry!
Jerry
The only bad thing is, we have to go out with a chaperone.
George
Chaperone? What, are you kidding?
Jerry
No, it's part of the contest rules.
George
What does the chaperone do?
Jerry
I don't know, she just sits there.
George
Can she talk?
Jerry
I'm not sure if she's allowed to talk. (Picks up the phone and dials.)
George
You're calling her?
Jerry
Yeah. (sings) There she is...Miss - yes, room 417 please? Karen Hanson?
George
Hey, did you know that the Yankees don't wear cotton jerseys?
Jerry
Of course, they're polyester.
George
Well, what is that? That's a crime! Do you know how hot those things get? They should be wearing cotton.
Jerry
Why do they wear polyester?
George
I don't know. That's all gonna change.
Jerry
You're going to do something about it?
George
Why shouldn't I?
Jerry (doubtfully)
No reason...
Scene 4
Elaine at Her Job Interview at Doubleday with Mrs. Landis.
37 lines
Landis
Of course, Jackie O. was a great lady. Those are going to be some tough shoes to fill. Everyone loved her. She had such...grace.
Elaine (gushing)
Yes! Grace!
Landis
Not many people have grace.
Elaine
Well, you know, grace is a tough one. I like to think I have a little grace...not as much as Jackie -
Landis
You can't have "a little grace." You either have grace, or you...don't.
Elaine
O.K., fine, I have...no grace.
Landis
And you can't acquire grace.
Elaine
Well, I have no intention of "getting" grace.
Landis
Grace isn't something you can pick up at the market.
Elaine (fed Up)
Alright, alright, look - I don't have grace, I don't want grace...I don't even say grace, O.K.?
Landis
Thank you for coming in.
Elaine
Yeah, yeah, right.
Landis
We'll make our choice in a few days, and we'll let you know.
Elaine (stands Up)
I have no chance, do I?
Landis
No. (They shake hands.)
Landis's Intercom
Justin Pitt to see you.
Elaine
Justin Pitt?
Landis
He was a very close friend of Mrs. Onassis's.
Elaine
"Mrs. Onassis's"? That's hard to pronounce.
Landis
Excuse me?
Elaine
Nothing. (Mr. Pitt comes in with some papers in hand.)
Pitt
Mrs. Landis, there's something wrong with this copying machine, it's all coming out slanted. Now, I don't know if this is your department or not.
Landis
Justin Pitt, this is Elaine Benes. (Elaine turns around. With sunglasses and a scarf on her head, she bears a close resemblance to Jackie O.)
Pitt (clearly Affected By Elaine's Appearance)
Charmed.
Elaine
I was a great admirer of Mrs. Onass-sis-sis-sis...
JERRY'S APARTMENT; JERRY'S ON THE PHONE WITH MISS RHODE ISLAND.
Jerry
Hello, Karen? It's Jerry Seinfeld. Oh, that's very sweet of you. You know, you better be careful, you don't want to get too congenial. They'll slap that "Miss Congeniality" on you, and you'll congene yourself right out of the contest. So, what time do you want to get together later? What? So what, we don't need the chaperone. (To George) The chaperone can't make it. (To Karen) Oh, you're not gonna get disqualified! So, we're not going? (Kramer enters.) Hold on one second. (To Kramer) Hey, what are you doing tonight?
Kramer
Nothin.'
Jerry
I'm going out with one of the Miss America contestants, you wanna go?
Kramer
What state?
Jerry
Rhode Island.
Kramer
They're never in contention.
George
How do you know?
Kramer
Because I've seen every Miss America pageant since I was six.
Jerry
Look, do you want to go or not? I'll buy you dinner.
Kramer
Giddy-up!
Jerry (to Karen)
I think I got someone!
Scene 5
Elaine and Mr. Pitt Having Lunch at the Coffee Shop.
11 lines
Pitt (looking At Elaine And Smiling)
The resemblance is uncanny. (Elaine, sipping soda through a straw, looks up with a sour expression on her face.) Even the brown eyes.
Elaine
Well, a lot of people have brown eyes.
Pitt
No, there's something else. An indefinable quality.
Elaine
Grace?
Pitt
Grace, yes.
Elaine
You think Ihave grace?
Pitt
Some grace, yes.
Elaine
Just some?
Pitt
Well, you don't want too much grace or you won't be able to stand.
Elaine (laughing)
Oh, Mr. Pitt.
Pitt
Elaine, I want you to come and work for me as my personal assistant. Now, I'll pay you the same as Pendant, but I would need you to start right away.
Scene 6
George Approaches Buck Showalter at Yankee Stadium.
12 lines
George
Hey, Buck. Talk to you for a second?
Showalter
Sure, George.
George
How's everything going? Everything O.K.?
Showalter
Well, all of a sudden there's a problem with Tartabull's swing...
George
Listen, Buck, I uh...obviously I don't need to talk to you about the importance of player morale, but uh...I've been talking to some of the guys, and some of them - I don't want to mention any names - but some of them...they're not too happy with the polyester uniforms.
Showalter
How so?
George
Well, they get very hot in the polyester. You know, it's not a natural fibre. I think they would prefer cotton.
Showalter
Cotton, huh?
George
Yeah. Cotton breathes, you see, it's much softer. Imagine playing games and your team is five degrees cooler than the other team. Don't you think that would be an advantage? They're cooler, they're more comfortable...they're happier - they're gonna play better.
Showalter
You may have something there, George.
George
Oh - I've got something.
Showalter (considering)
Hmm. Cotton uniforms.
Scene 7
Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's Apartment.
20 lines
Jerry
Congratulations!
Elaine
Yeah! And the best part is, I still get to look for work in publishing.
Jerry
Now, what is it that you do, exactly?
Elaine
I attend to his personal affairs.
Jerry
Like what?
Elaine
Well, like tomorrow for example, I have to uh...I have to buy him some socks.
Jerry
Really! Socks!
Elaine
Yeah. White ones. Like the ones you wear with sneakers.
Jerry
Hey, maybe you can pick me up some underwear! (Kramer enters.)
Kramer (shows Jerry His Outfit)
So, what do you think? Does this work?
Jerry
Listen...tonight, after we finish eating, you make like you got something else to do and just "recede into the night," if you know what I mean.
Kramer
No way!
Jerry
What?
Kramer
Look, if you think I'm just going to step aside and do nothing while you defile this woman, you're crazy.
Jerry
I'm not going to "defile" her!
Kramer
That's right, because I'm going to see it doesn't happen. Look, Jerry, these girls are Miss America contestants. It's every little girl's dream. And I'm not going to let you trample that dream and make a mockery of everything the pageant stands for.
Jerry
But -
Kramer (holds Up His Hand)
AAAH! No buts! Those are my rules.
Jerry
But wait a minute...
Kramer
Now, if you want to go out and have some good, wholesome fun with a nice girl, I'd be glad to help you out...if you're looking for something more than that, you've got the wrong guy, buddy! (Jerry tries to get a word in during this entire speech, but Kramer won't budge an inch.)
Scene 8
Jerry and Kramer at the Restaurant with Miss Rhode Island.
70 lines
Kramer
If you were Miss America, what would you do to make the world a better place?
Karen
As Miss America, I would try and bring an end to world hunger. If every person sacrificed one meal a week, there would be enough to feed the whole world!
Jerry
That's a hell of a plan. (To Kramer) Listen -
Kramer (to Karen)
What advice would you give young people?
Jerry
Alright, Kramer!
Kramer
This is important stuff! She's got to be able to answer these questions. She's not going to have time to think, out there, with millions of people watching her. Any hesitation could cost her the crown. You know, poise counts.
Karen
You really know a lot about this, don't you?
Kramer
Oh yeah, like last year? Miss Texas? Now, she should have won easily, but she lost points in the swimsuit competition.
Karen
Well, what could she have done?
Kramer
Tape her breasts together. (Jerry is shocked.)
Karen
What else?
Kramer
Well, take you for example. Now, you're very attractive, but you got a big waist.
Jerry
Hey, come on!
Karen
No, no...it's O.K. (To Kramer) Go on.
Kramer
Well, I'd recommend a waist cincher.
Karen
Really.
Kramer
Oh, yeah. Just - thip! - suck you in.
Jerry
I'll be right back. (Leaves the table.)
Kramer
So, what's your talent?
Karen
Magic.
Kramer
Mmm. I'm thinking of a number from one to ten.
Karen
Six.
Kramer
No, five. But you were close.
JERRY ON HIS WAY PAST THE RESTAURANT BAR. HE NOTICES THE BALLGAME ON TV.
Announcer #1
And the Yankees take the field!
Announcer #2
Is it my imagination, or do the Yankees look a little different tonight? I can't put my finger on it...
Announcer #1
Well, from what I understand, they've switched to cotton uniforms.
Announcer #2
They seem blousier, softer...
Announcer #1
Well, it is a natural fibre...
(Jerry shakes his head and continues on his way.)
JERRY, KAREN AND KRAMER HEADING HOME IN THE LIMO. KRAMER IS STILL GOING ON ABOUT THE PAGEANT.
Kramer
How's your evening?
Karen
Well, I'm wearing this red dress -
Kramer
Stop right there.
Karen
No good?
Kramer
Disaster.
Karen
Why?
Kramer
Well, you got brown eyes. You want to wear a green dress.
Karen
That makes sense. (The limo stops at Karen's hotel.)
Jerry
Well, here we are...
Karen
Kramer, would you consider being my personal consultant for the pageant?
Kramer
Okay. But if I'm going to do this, we play by my rules or we don't play at all.
Karen
I am in your hands. (They shake hands.) Well! Oh, good night, Jerry. (They're about to kiss, but Kramer stops them by clearing his throat.) Kenneth will take you home. (She gets out, leaving Jerry staring at Kramer with an angry expression on his face.)
(Scene ends with an exterior shot of the limo going down the street. We hear Kramer singing the Miss America theme song, and Jerry telling him to "shut the f*ck up.")
JERRY'S APARTMENT THE NEXT DAY. JERRY'S PACKING TO GO TO ATLANTIC CITY. KRAMER ENTERS.
Kramer
Hey.
Jerry
Well, if it isn't Mr. Blackwell.
Kramer
Oh, come on.
Jerry
And that waist cincher, that was the topper!
Kramer
Oh, you're poo-pooing!
Jerry
Yes, I poo-poo.
Kramer
Well, let me tell you something. I'm taking this kid to the top. To the top, Jerry! We're going for the crown, and you can't stop her!
Jerry
I don't want to stop her!
Kramer
You can't stop her, Jerry! Oh, I've seen 'em come and go, but this kid has got something! (Turns to leave.)
Jerry
Yeah, so do you. (George enters with a newspaper.)
George
Well, did you see it?
Jerry
See what?
George
The uniforms! Did you see how they played? Listen to these comments! (reads from the paper) "Wade Boggs: 'What a fabric! Finally we can breathe.' Luis Palonia: 'Cotton is king.' Paul O'Neill: 'I never dreamed anything could be so soft and fluffy.' "
Jerry
Boy, they really do sound comfortable.
George (noticing Jerry's Suitcase)
Hey, where ya goin'?
Jerry
I'm working in Atlantic City.
George
Really!
Jerry
Yeah. Hey, you're not working this weekend, why don't you come down?
George
Atlantic City? (thinks) Yes! Yes! I will go to Atlantic City. I'm in. I'm down.
Jerry
You know what, maybe Elaine wants to go too, lemme call her. (Picks up the phone.) She's at Mr. Pitt's, I think I got the number...
ELAINE AT MR. PITT'S. HE'S TRYING ON THE SOCKS SHE'S BROUGHT HIM.
Elaine
So, what do you think?
Pitt (pulling Up The Socks)
No.
Elaine
You don't like them?
Pitt
No, I don't like them.
Scene 9
Scene 9
70 lines
Elaine
What's wrong?
Pitt
They're too tight.
Elaine
Too tight?
Pitt
There's no elastic, you need to pull too much (pulls them up more).
Elaine (examining The Socks)
I think they look good!
Pitt
They're cutting off the circulation.
Elaine
Alright, well, I'll just take them back. (The phone rings.)
Pitt
Hello?
Jerry
Hi, Mr. Pitt! Is Elaine there?
Pitt (hands The Phone To Elaine)
It's for you.
Elaine
Sorry. Hello?
Jerry
Hey Elaine, it's me.
Elaine
Jerry?
Jerry
We're going to Atlantic City.
Elaine
Really? When?
Jerry
Today, right now! Are you in?
Elaine
One second, hang on. (To Mr. Pitt) Excuse me, Mr. Pitt? Would it be alright if I got you the socks tomorrow?
Pitt
Tomorrow?
Elaine
Yes.
Pitt
But I was hoping for my new socks today!
Elaine
Well, it's just one more day.
Pitt
I'm sorry. I must have them today.
Elaine (to Jerry)
I can't go.
Jerry
Why not?
Elaine
Because I have to return the socks and get different ones.
Pitt
Elaine!
Elaine
I gotta go. (Hangs up.)
KRAMER AND KAREN AT THE HOTEL IN ATLANTIC CITY. KAREN IS REHEARSING HER STAGE-WALKING WITH KRAMER. SHE DOES IT ONCE, BUT KRAMER ISN'T SATISFIED.
Kramer
No. Alright, watch me now. (Karen sits on the bed. Kramer walks across the room like a Miss America contestant with a big smile on his face.) Turn, back, head up, shoulders back...posture. You see? Posture.
Karen
Yes, I see. O.K.
Kramer
Let's try a few more questions, alright? (Karen stands up.) If you were Miss America, and the U.S. was on the brink of a nuclear war, and the only way the conflict could be averted was if you agreed to sleep with the enemy's leader, what would you do?
Karen
Kramer, are these questions really that important...?
Kramer
Yes, they're important! If you stumble, if you hesitate, you can kiss the crown goodbye. Now if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times - poise counts! It's just as important as the others. Swimsuit! Evening wear! Talent! POISE!
JERRY IN HE AND GEORGE'S HOTEL ROOM ON THE FLOOR ABOVE KAREN'S. GEORGE ENTERS.
George
Hey.
Jerry
Hey.
George
How was the show?
Jerry
Good. How was the roulette?
George
I won fifty bucks! Boy, this is great. Too bad Elaine's not here.
Jerry
Yeah, all she had to do was buy Mr. Pitt a pair of socks!
ELAINE AT MR. PITT'S. THERE ARE PAIRS OF SOCKS EVERYWHERE. PITT HAS ON THE LATEST PAIR.
Pitt
It's good, but...
Elaine
But what??
Pitt
Ultimately I don't think they'll stay up.
Elaine (pulling Up Pitt's Socks)
No, no! They'll stay up!
Pitt
For a while, yes, but not in the long run.
Elaine
But that's why I got you the tighter ones! (Holds them up.)
Pitt
Oh, forget about those! (Takes the socks from Elaine and throws them on the floor.) Why do you keep mentioning those?
Elaine
What do you want!?
Pitt
I want a decent sock that's comfortable, that will stay on my foot!!
(Elaine curls up into a fetal position.)
ATLANTIC CITY, THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. JERRY AND GEORGE ARE TRYING TO SLEEP, BUT A FLOCK OF BIRDS OUTSIDE IS KEEPING THEM AWAKE.
Jerry
What the hell is that?
George
I don't know, it sounds like pigeons or something!
Jerry (getting Out Of Bed)
Well, I can't sleep with that noise.
George
Me either. Is there anything you can do to shut them up?
Jerry
Wait a second. (Grabs the icebucket off the counter.) This'll scare 'em off. (Dumps the bucket of water over the balcony. We hear a loud squawking noise and the flapping of wings, then the noise is gone. Jerry gets back into bed.) Well, good night, Ollie.
George
Good night, Stan.
KAREN'S HOTEL ROOM THE NEXT MORNING. UPSET, SHE LETS KRAMER IN.
Kramer
What is it?
Karen
My doves! They're dead! I trained those birds for eight years! How am I supposed to do my magic act now?
Kramer
How did this happen?
Karen
They like it outside, so I kept them in a cage on the terrace...then I found them dead in a pool of water!
Kramer (goes Out On The Terrace To Look, And Slips In The Water)
Well, how did this happen?
Karen
It must have been an accident.
Kramer
Accident? This was no accident. These doves were murdered.
JERRY WATCHING TV IN HIS ROOM. THERE'S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR; JERRY LETS KRAMER IN.
Kramer
Well, that's it! She's out of the pageant!
Jerry
What? Why? What happened?
Kramer
Her birds are dead.
Scene 10
Scene 10
30 lines
Jerry
Birds?
Kramer
Yeah, birds. She's got these trained doves, she does this magic act, that was her talent for the pageant. You know what I think, Jerry? I think somebody murdered those doves. Somebody wanted her out of that contest bad. Somebody who was just eaten up with jealousy. Somebody who just couldn't stand to have the spotlight taken off of them! (Kramer turns around and notices the empty icebucket on the edge of Jerry's balcony.)
Jerry
What are you looking at? (Kramer goes out onto the terrace and looks down.) Oh, that! We had to leave that outside, last night, because the water was making the room too cold.
Kramer (comes Back Inside With His Finger Pointed At Jerry)
You killed them, didn't you?
Jerry
No, you don't understand - it's not what you think! It was an accident!
Kramer
Well, don't think you've won, because you haven't! This kid is a fighter! And if you think I'm gonna let a couple of dead birds get in our way, you're crazy!
Jerry
Kramer, you gotta explain to her what happened...! (Kramer exits.)
George (comes Out Of The Bathroom Brushing His Teeth)
What was that all about?
Jerry
Oh, it was just Kramer...apparently I killed Miss Rhode Island's doves with a bucket of water last night.
George
Oh. (Goes back into the bathroom.)
THE NIGHT OF THE MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. KRAMER AND KAREN ARE BACKSTAGE. REGIS PHILBIN IS ABOUT TO INTRODUCE MISS RHODE ISLAND IN THE TALENT COMPETITION.
Karen
O.K., this is it!
Kramer
How ya feelin'?
Karen
I'm a little nervous!
Kramer
There's nothing to be nervous about.
Karen
But I've never sung before in my life!
Philbin
And now, let's welcome Karen Ann Hanson, Miss Rhode Island!
(Karen walks out on stage and starts singing, badly. Cut to Jerry and George watching the pageant on TV at the hotel.)
Jerry
I heard those doves were really incredible.
George
That's a shame. (Karen is shown singing off-key on the television.)
Jerry
It's like watching an animal get tortured.
George
Hey, hey! Yankee game! (Changes the channel.)
Jerry
Oh, great! Alright. (We hear the announcers calling the game.)
Announcer #1
And the Yankees take the field!
Announcer #2
What is with the Yankees? They look like they're having trouble running, they can't move!
Announcer #1
It's their uniforms, they're too tight, they've shrunk! They're running like penguins! Forget this game!
Announcer #2
Oh my God, Mattingly just split his pants!
Jerry
That's a shame.
KAREN ON-STAGE AT THE PAGEANT, STILL SINGING HORRIBLY. KRAMER IS SHOWN IN THE WINGS, STILL TRYING TO COACH HER.
Kramer
Poise. Poise!
Scene 11
Closing Monologue
1 lines
The Miss America pageant seems like a really tough contest. You know, you gotta come out there in the bathing suit, in the dress shoes...they got that "sanitized for your protection" toilet seat-thing hangin' off them, you know...plus, they gotta wear all the other outfits. I don't know why, the bathing suit is the contest. You win the bathing suit, you win. What is the formal wear? Everybody looks good in formal wear; it's dark, it covers everything - that's why we have weddings in it. I mean, if we had weddings in bathing suits, a lot of ceremonies wouldn't be able to get past "If anyone sees any reason why these two people should not be joined together..." About eighty hands go up...
