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S06E03

The Pledge Drive

Full screenplay script and 476-line transcript across 8 scenes for Seinfeld S06E03: The Pledge Drive. Key settings: Opening Scene, First scene..

8 Scenes476 Lines

Scene 1:Opening Scene

9 lines
There's something very insincere about these greeting cards we send back and
forth to each other all the time. They're like these little one-dollar folded
paper emotional prostitutes, isn't it? "I don't know what my feelings are, so
I'll just pay some total stranger a buck to make up this little Hallmark hooker
to do the job for me. So I can go, 'Yeah, I didn't write this, but whatever
they wrote, I think the same thing.'" Wouldn't it be better if we just had one
card that covered every occasion for everybody in one shot? Just "Happy
birthday, merry Christmas, happy anniversary, congratulations, it's a Boy and
our deepest sympathies. Signed, the whole office"

Scene 2:First scene.

70 lines
Elaine and Jerry and in Jerry's apartment.
Elaine
She was hitting on you? My friend Noreen?
Jerry
Your friend, Noreen.
Elaine
Are you sure you're not just flattering yourself?
Jerry
If I was flattering myself, I think I'd come up with someone a little less annoying than Noreen.
Elaine
I cannot believe that she was hitting on you.
Jerry
If you don't believe me, ask her.
Elaine
I will. Besides, she's got a boyfriend, Jerry, you know him. Dan. Remember, we went to that party at his house?
Jerry
Oh, right. The guy who talks with a really high voice.
Elaine
Yeah.
Kramer enters.
Kramer
Jerry, did you get my Fortune magazine in your mail?
Jerry
Check the pile.
Kramer (leafing Through Jerry's Mail)
Oh, who sent you a card?
Jerry
I don't know.
Kramer
Open it, it's from Hallmark.
Jerry
Oh.
Kramer (to Elaine)
Hello, my love.
Elaine
Hello, darling.
Jerry
Isn't that cute, a 'thank you' card from Kristin.
Kramer
Let me see.
Elaine
Who's Kristin?
Jerry
She works for PBS, I met her when I agreed to do that pledge drive.
Kramer
Did you ask her about me?
Jerry
Yeah, in fact she said that you could be one of those people that sits
in the back and answers the phone.
Kramer
Giddy-up! Alright! So now, how does that work? Now, what, I get a percentage of every pledge I bring in, right?
Jerry
No, it's not aluminum siding, it's volunteer work. All the money goes to the station.
Kramer
Okay, yeah, alright, that sounds good, but I still get a tote bag though, right?
Jerry
Yeah, and one of those foam beer can holders.
Kramer leaves, satisfied.
Elaine (dialing The Phone)
You know what I'm doing? I'm calling Noreen.
Jerry
Oh, go ahead.
Elaine
You sure you don't mind?
Jerry
Like she's really going to admit she was flirting with me.
Elaine finishes dialing, the phone rings and a high pitched voice answers.
High Pitched Voice
Hello?
Elaine
Hi, it's Elaine. Listen, I was just talking to Jerry.
High Pitched Voice
Jerry?
Elaine
Jerry Seinfeld.
High Pitched Voice
Oh, I like Jerry a lot.
Elaine
You mean like like?
High Pitched Voice
What are you talking about?
Elaine
Noreen, were you hitting on him?
Cut to the other end of the conversation, there's a bald man on the telephone.
High Pitched Voice
Noreen's not here, this is Dan.
Elaine
Ooh.
Dan
You say that Noreen was hitting on Jerry Seinfeld?
Elaine (hanging Up)
Uh, I'll call you back later.
Elaine
Uh oh.
Jerry
So was I right? She likes me, right?
New scene.
Elaine is sharpening pencils for Mr. Pitt. The phone is ringing.
Mr. Pitt (answering)
Hello? (to Elaine) It's for you. Must you keep giving
my number out?
Elaine
Oh, I'm sorry Mr. Pitt. Hello?
High Pitched Voice
Elaine? What is going on? Why did you tell Dan I was
hitting on Jerry Seinfeld?
Elaine
Is this Noreen?
High Pitched Voice (noreen)
What would ever possess you to make up a story
like that.
Elaine
Well, listen, Jerry mentioned it, and, I don't know--
Dan (taking The Phone From Noreen)
I think I deserve an explanation.
Elaine
Noreen, are you crying?
Dan
No, this is Dan!
Elaine
Oh, hi Dan.
Mr. Pitt
Elaine? Work?
Elaine
Tell Noreen I'll just call her back later.
Mr. Pitt
Who was crying?
Elaine
No one. I'm sorry Mr. Putt, that won't happen again.

Scene 3:Scene 3

70 lines
Mr. Pitt (unwrapping a candy bar, placing it on a plate and cutting it with
Knife And Fork)
I'm sure it won't, but someone was crying and I want to know
who it was.
Well, it's a long story, okay? But my stupid friend Jerry told my other friend
Noreen that she was-- (noticing Mr. Pitt eating the candy bar with knife and
fork and becoming distracted) You know, hitting on him and so I called her to
see what was, uh, going on and I accidentally got her boyfriend, who is this,
you know--
New scene.
Jerry and Kristin, the PBS rep, are in Jerry's apartment. Jerry is reading from
a sheet of paper.
Jerry
I'm Jerry Seinfeld, I tell jokes for a living, but there's no joking
about the financial crisis at PBS. Show us you care. Call in your pledge now.
Kristin
Jerry, I am so grateful that you're doing this.
Jerry
Oh, I know you are.
Kristin
You got the card I sent?
Jerry
I did.
Kristin
So where is it?
Jerry
What?
Kristin
The card. Is this it in the trash?
Jerry
No?
Kristin
This is my card, you threw it away.
Jerry
Well--
Kristin
I put a lot of thought into this card.
Jerry
You signed your name and you addressed the envelope, it's not like you
painted the picture and wrote the poem.
Kristin
Fine. I gotta get back to the office.
Jerry
Why, because I threw the card out? How long was I supposed to save it?
Kristin
You have no sentimentality.
Jerry
I have sentimentality, really, I'm sentimental. Here, look. Here's
some cards I've saved, these are birthday cards from my grandmother, see, I'm
not a bad guy.
Kristin
Oh, so you save her cards but not mine! Oh great!
Jerry (as Kristin Is Storming Out)
Well, but, you see, I saved something!
See? I can save. I'll see you at the pledge drive, ok?
Kramer enters as Kristin leaves.
Kramer
New cards, huh?
Jerry
No, they're old cards from my grandmother.
Kramer
Oh. Well, I'll tell you, a nice greeting card can really lift a
person's spirits.
Jerry
Yeah.
Kramer (opening A Card)
Oh, a check.
Jerry
Yeah, she puts ten dollars in every card for my birthday, that's why I
save them.
Kramer
There's a check in all these? Why don't you cash them?
Jerry
I don't know, it's ten dollars.
Kramer
But you got a whole pile here. 1987?
Jerry
Oh so what.
Kramer
Jerry, your grandmother gave you this gift. She wants you to spend the
money, to have the fun that she can't have. Oh, this is tantamount to a slap in
the face.
Jerry
Oh, get out of here.
Kramer
Jerry, a gift not enjoyed is like a flower that doesn't blossom.
Jerry
Alright, alright, I'll cash the checks.
Kramer
Yeah.
New scene.
Jerry and George are at the coffee shop.
Jerry
It was a 'thank you' card from Kristin because I'm doing the PBS drive.
I mean, how long am I supposed to keep it?
George
The rule is a minimum of two days.
Jerry
You making that up or do you know what you're talking about?
George
I'm making it up.
Jerry
I mean really, what's the point of saving it? I could see if I had a
mantel.
George
Oh, well, a mantel's a whole different story.
Jerry
Absolutely.
George
If my parents had a mantel, I might be a completely different person.
Jerry
So anyway, she's kind of upset about it so I need you to do me a favor.
George
Let's have it.
Jerry
Well, I'm doing the PBS show, so during the show they're gonna be

Scene 4:Scene 4

70 lines
running the Ken Burns baseball thing. So I thought if I could get a baseball
player to come on the show with me...
George
You want me to ask one of the Yankees.
Jerry
Could you?
George
Alright. I'll run it by a few people.
Jerry
Alright, Do your thing, where you lie to everyone.
Elaine (entering And Sitting Down)
I should never have made that phone call.
Jerry
Hey, did you ever get to talk to Noreen?
Elaine
Yes, she's very upset.
Jerry
So was I right about the flirting? Was it true?
Elaine
I don't know, I never asked. She was yelling--
George
Who was flirting with you?
Jerry
Remember when we were in the bookstore, that woman came up to us?
George
She wasn't flirting with you.
Jerry
Oh, sure she was; Asked me where the 'humor' section was? Humor? Come
on.
Elaine
Jerry, her brother just had a book of political cartoons published.
Elaine and George laugh derisively.
Jerry
Alright, so maybe she wasn't flirting with me. So what?
Elaine
So, yeah, that's funny. Hey, you wanna hear something weird? Mr. Pitt
eats his Snickers bars with a knife and fork.
George
Really?
Elaine
Yeah.
Jerry
Why does he do that?
George
He probably doesn't want to get chocolate on his fingers. That's the
way these society types eat their candy bars.
Jerry
Oh, you know.
George
What, you think I eat all my meals with you? (To waitress) Excuse me,
sweetheart? I think you may have overcharged us. What is this?
Waitress
That's the extra toast. Get it?
George
Got it. (the waitress walks away) Did you just see what happened
here?
Elaine
What?
George
Did you see the way she pointed at the check? She gave me the finger.
Jerry
That's how waitress types express derision. They don't want to get
their mouths dirty.
New scene.
George is in a meeting at work.
George
So, what do you think?
Mr. Morgan
A PBS fundraiser? I'm not gonna waste any of the players' time
with that, besides the team already does so much promotion for channel eleven.
George
Channel eleven? Forgive me for trying to class up this place, for
trying to have the Yankees reach another strata of society that might not watch
channel eleven.
George begins eating a candy bar with knife and fork.
Mr. Morgan
Uh, what the hell are you doing?
George
I am eating my dessert. How do you eat it, with your hands?
Mr. Morgan
You know, maybe George has something here about PBS.
New scene.
Jerry and Kramer are at an ATM.
Jerry
Okay, sixty bucks from Nana.
Kramer
Huh? Yeah.
New scene.
Nana is home knitting, the phone rings.
Nana
Hello?
Voice
Hello, this is Chemical Bank. Just wanted you to know that your
checking account is overdrawn.
Nana
Chemical Bank? I haven't used that account in months.
Voice
Well, someone's been cashing the checks and you're overdrawn.
Oh dear. I'll be down there first thing in the morning.
Voice (unheard By Nana As She Hangs Up The Phone)
Wait, we can do this over the
phone.
Fade to the next morning, the alarm clock goes off, it's 5:30, Nana turns off
the alarm, fully dressed, gathers her coat and purse, sighs, and heads for the
door.
New scene.
George, Jerry and Kramer are at the coffee shop.
Jerry
You got Danny Tartabull?!
George
You wanted a Yankee, I got you a Yankee.
Jerry
Boy, you really came through. Kristin's gonna be thrilled.

Scene 5:Scene 5

70 lines
George
Hey, the Bull owes me one, I helped him with his swing.
Kramer
So you're bringing Danny Tartabull to the fundraiser tonight.
George
Absolutely. Pending approval of the script.
Jerry
Excuse me?
George
Jerry, I'm Yankee management.
Kramer
Yeah, I'd like to see the script too.
Jerry
You're just answering phones!
Kramer
It would put me at ease.
George
Hey, when you order from the waitress, get her to point to the menu. I
want to see what finger she uses.
Jerry
Uh, say, I wanted a side order of fruit but I didn't see it on the men
Waitress
Oh, you're getting it (pointing to menu with index finger), it comes
with your breakfast special.
Jerry
Right you are.
George
I didn't get the special, but I'd also like the fresh fruit too.
Waitress (scratching Cheek With Middle Finger)
I'll check.
George (after Waitress Walks Away)
I don't believe it, she did it again!
Jerry
Oh, she had an itch.
George
She had an itch. She could have used any one of those fingers. That
finger was meant for me.
Kramer (laughing)
Yeah, she knew what she was doing.
Jerry
By the way, lunch is on me. I just cashed my Nana's birthday checks.
New scene.
Nana is standing on a deserted street in front of an abandoned building,
checking for an address. A street tough approaches from behind.
Street Tough
Looking for something, lady?
Nana
Isn't the Chemical Bank on this block?
Street Tough
The bank? It burned. It's gone!
Nana
Oh dear.
Street Tough
Now what you wanna do is go down to forty-ninth street, that's
the main customer service branch. Ask for Mr. Fleming. He'll help you.
New scene.
Jerry is in his apartment, the phone rings.
Jerry (answering)
Hello?
Uncle Leo
Jerry? Hello.
Jerry
Uncle Leo!
Listen, I don't want to alarm you, but your nana is missing.
Kramer enters.
Jerry
Nana's missing?
Uncle Leo
I came to pick her up for a doctor's appointment, she wasn't here.
I called the doctor, nobody knows where she is. She hasn't left the apartment
in twenty-five years!
Jerry
I've been thinking about her, I just cashed some of her checks.
Kramer
Yeah, that's right. You did.
Uncle Leo
What kind of checks?
Jerry
I think Chemical Bank.
Kramer
Oh, they were Chemical.
Uncle Leo
Chemical?! She hasn't used that account since her branch closed.
What are you doing cashing her checks anyway?
Jerry
Well, Kramer thought it would make her happy. (To Kramer) I never
should have cashed those checks!
Kramer
Hey, I didn't twist your arm.
Uncle Leo
Your grandmother's on a very fixed income. What, are you broke?
Jerry
Just call me if you hear anything. (hangs up and faces Kramer) Well?
I cashed the checks, the checks bounced and now my Nana's missing!
Kramer
Well, don't look at me.
Jerry
It's your fault!
Kramer
My fault? Your Nana is missing because she's been passing those bum
checks all over town and she finally pissed off the wrong people.
New scene.
Mr. Morgan is sitting at an outdoor cafe, eating a candy bar with a knife and
fork. Noreen walks by and takes notice. Cut to Noreen and Elaine seated at the
counter at Monk's.
Noreen
So anyway, it's caused a lot of problems. Dan thinks I'm interested in
Jerry, he won't let up.
Elaine
I'm really sorry, but you can see why I'd make a mistake like that.
Noreen
No, why?
Elaine
Well, you know, because he's a high talker.
Noreen
He does raise his voice occasionally, but that's normal.
Elaine
No. No, no, no, not a loud talker, a high talker.

Scene 6:Scene 6

70 lines
Noreen
Really?
Elaine
You don't think his voice sounds a lot like yours?
Noreen
I never noticed that.
Elaine
Well, it's no big deal, you know, it's just that he can sound like a
woman, you know?
Noreen
Great. I'm going out with a man who sounds like a woman.
Elaine
Well, he looks like a man.
Noreen
Yeah.
Elaine
He's bald. I know that's a guy thing.
Noreen
I guess.
Elaine
I know he belches a lot.
Noreen
Well, that's something. So, Jerry thought I was flirting with him.
Elaine
Yeah.
Noreen (cutting Into A Cookie With A Knife And Fork)
Hm. He's kind of a
baritone, isn't he?
Elaine
What are you doing?
Noreen
I'm eating this cookie.
Elaine
No, no, no, but why are you using a knife and a fork? Did you just
think of that?
Noreen
No, I've seen people do it. I like it.
New scene.
George is driving Danny Tartabull to the pledge drive.
Danny Tartabull
This isn't gonna take long, is it?
George
Oh no, in and out, I made sure of that. And you'll be happy to know I
perused the script and it's met with my approval.
Danny Tartabull
I'm sure it's fine.
George (swerving)
Hey! Watch it! Did you see that guy? He just gave me the
finger!
Danny Tartabull
You sure?
George
Oh yeah! Middle finger, straight up, at me! At us!
Danny Tartabull
What are you doing?
George
I'm following him.
New scene.
Nana is at the bank.
Banker
I'm sorry, the account had insufficient funds. We had to return the
checks made out to a Mr. Jerry Seinfeld.
Nana
Oh dear, that's my grandson. May I call him now and explain?
Banker
Oh, certainly.
New scene.
Elaine and Jerry are at Jerry's apartment.
Elaine
And now I think she might really be interested in you. And Dan is
obsessed, he keeps leaving these annoying messages on my machine.
The phone rings.
Jerry
Would you?
Elaine (answering)
Hello?
Nana
Hello, I need to speak to Jerry.
Elaine (thinking It's Dan)
Oh, it's you. We were just talking about you.
Listen, Jerry doesn't want to talk to you. Nobody wants to talk to you, so why
don't you just drop dead?
Elaine (hanging Up)
Heh?
Kramer enters.
Kramer
Any word from Nana?
Jerry
No.
Elaine
Nana?
Jerry
Yeah, my grandma's missing.
Elaine
Missing?
Jerry
Yeah. I think it might have something to do with those checks.
Elaine
Um, what does Nana sound like?
Jerry
Like a grandmother, why?
Elaine
Well...
Jerry
Oh, you hung up on my Nana?!
Elaine
I don't know, maybe.
Jerry
You told Nana to drop dead?!
Elaine
It's possible.
Jerry
Yes, it is!
Kramer
Alright, alright. Look, Jerry, we gotta get down to PBS, PDQ.
Jerry
Alright.
New scene.
George is still driving, he's all worked up.
George
No one gives us the finger! We're Yankees!

Scene 7:Scene 7

70 lines
Danny Tartabull
Want this last donut?
George
No, you can have it.
Danny Tartabull begins eating the donut with a knife and fork. George takes
notice.
New scene.
Jerry and Kramer are at PBS.
Kramer
Jerry, where are all the tote bags?
Jerry
I don't know.
Kramer
Well, I'm not leaving the premises without tote bags. I was promised
tote bags and tote bags I shall have.
Kristin
Jerry, this man wants to see you.
Jerry
Leo?
Uncle Leo
Hello.
Jerry
Uncle Leo! What are you doing here?
Uncle Leo
I wanted to tell you that your grandmother is fine.
Jerry
Oh.
Uncle Leo
She's had quite a day but she's gonna watch you tonight on the TV.
Kristin
Jerry, I'm dying to meet Danny Tartabull. Where is he?
Jerry
He'll be here any second.
Kristin
You know you guys are both on in five minutes.
Jerry
Yeah, yeah.
Kristin (leaving)
Okay.
Uncle Leo
Why didn't you tell me you were a little short? Here. If anybody
asks you where you got it, you don't know.
Jerry
No, that's ok, I really don't need any money.
Uncle Leo
What are you talking about?
Jerry
Please-
Uncle Leo
I want-
Jerry
It's not necessary.
Uncle Leo
Jerry, would you please take it.
Jerry
I can't, I can't take it.
Uncle Leo
I want you to have it!
Jerry
Uncle Leo, I don't want to have it!
Uncle Leo
Jerry, take the money!
Jerry
I don't want it!!
There's a knock at the door.
High Pitched Voice
Jerry, open up. We need to talk.
Kramer
Who's that?
Jerry
You know what? It sounds like the friend of Elaine's that was hitting
on me in the book store.
Kramer
Jerry, I'll take care of it.
Kramer walks out and sees Dan.
Dan
Is Jerry in there?
Kramer
Well, he can't be disturbed now.
Dan
Well this situation is driving me crazy. He's all I think about. I can't
get him out of my mind.
Kramer
I'm sorry. I mean, I know what it's like to be in love. Ties you up
in knots. And Jerry is a very sexy man.
Dan
What?
Kramer
Look, I'm not judging you. In fact, we here at PBS, we have many
programs celebrating your lifestyle. Armistead Maupin's Tales of the City,
Gender Bending and Swinging in San Francisco. Before Stonewall about those dark
ages when you couldn't come out of the closet, lest you be persecuted because of
your, you know.
Dan
No, I don't.
Kristin (running Up)
Are you Danny Tartabull?
Dan
No, I'm not.
New scene.
George is parked at a gas station, he steps out of the car and slams the door.
George
I'll take care of this, Danny.
George approaches the man he's been following, who's now pumping gas.
George
Excuse me.
Man
What's the problem?
George
I believe you cut me off, and then made an obscene gesture.
Man
I did? Where?
George
Outside of Manhattan, about an hour ago.
Man
Wow! Is that Danny Tartabull?
George
That's right, of the New York Yankees.
Man
I'd like to shake his hand but I can't.
The man holds up his arm, it's in a cast with his middle finger sticking

Scene 8:Scene 8

47 lines
straight up.
New scene.
Jerry is doing his bit for PBS.
Jerry
I'm Jerry Seinfeld, I tell jokes for a living, but there's no joking
about the financial crisis here at PBS. Our lines are open, so please call the
number you see on your screen.
Cut to Nana, watching the pledge drive. She picks up the phone and dials.
Cut back to Jerry,
Jerry
This is the only time this year we'll be asking for donations. You've
been enjoying Ken Burns' Baseball-
Cut to Kramer sitting at the phone bank, his phone rings.
Kramer (answering)
PBS pledge drive.
Nana
Hello, I'd like to speak with Jerry.
Kramer
Oh, you again. Buddy, look, forget about Jerry. It's not gonna
happen.
Nana
This is his grandmother.
Kramer
Oh, uh, Nana. Hello.
Nana
Tell Jerry I'm sorry, I'm going to have to write him some new checks.
Kramer
As long as you've got your checkbook out, how about forking a little
over to PBS? You watch the station, don't you? You don't want to be a
freeloader.
Cut back to Jerry.
Jerry
-programs like Ken Burns' Baseball. And if Danny Tartabull were here,
I'm sure he'd say, 'That's correct, Jerry.'
Kramer rises in the background.
Kramer
Jerry? I have an announcement. Your grandmother is on the line.
Jerry
My Nana?
Kramer
And as we speak, she's generously writing PBS a check for fifteen
hundred dollars!
Everybody applauds as Uncle Leo comes out from sidestage.
Uncle Leo
She can't do that, she's on a very fixed income! Stop the show!!
New scene.
Jerry and Elaine are at the coffee shop.
Jerry
I got another card from Kristin. Not quite as chipper as the first one.
Elaine
Wow. Isn't this little bunny giving you the-
Jerry
Yes, he is.
Elaine
You should show this to Georgie.
Yeah.
Waitress (at The Next Table)
Here's your knife and fork.
Jerry
Look, she's cutting up an Almond Joy.
Elaine
I just don't get it.
Jerry
You know, I saw someone on the street eating M&Ms with a spoon.
Elaine
What is wrong with everybody?
Jerry (surveying The Restaurant)
Look, they're doing it. They're all doing
it!
Elaine (standing Up)
What is wrong with all you people?! Have you all gone
mad?!!

Seinfeld Season 6 Scripts

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All Seinfeld Seasons (167 Episodes)
S06E01
The Chaperone
S06E02
The Big Salad
S06E03
The Pledge Drive
S06E04
The Chinese Woman
S06E05
The Couch
S06E06
The Gymnast
S06E07
The Soup
S06E08
The Mom & Pop Store
S06E09
The Secretary
S06E10
The Race
S06E11
The Switch
S06E12
The Label Maker
S06E13
The Scofflaw
S06E15
The Beard
S06E16
The Kiss Hello
S06E17
The Doorman
S06E18
The Jimmy
S06E19
The Doodle
S06E20
The Fusilli Jerry
S06E21
The Diplomat’s Club
S06E22
The Face Painter
S06E23
The Understudy