The Pledge Drive

She was hitting on you? My friend Noreen?

Your friend, Noreen.

Are you sure you're not just flattering yourself?

If I was flattering myself, I think I'd come up with someone a little less annoying than Noreen.

I cannot believe that she was hitting on you.

If you don't believe me, ask her.

I will. Besides, she's got a boyfriend, Jerry, you know him. Dan. Remember, we went to that party at his house?

Oh, right. The guy who talks with a really high voice.

Yeah.

Jerry, did you get my Fortune magazine in your mail?

Check the pile.

Oh, who sent you a card?

I don't know.

Open it, it's from Hallmark.

Oh.

Hello, my love.

Hello, darling.

Isn't that cute, a 'thank you' card from Kristin.

Let me see.

Who's Kristin?

She works for PBS, I met her when I agreed to do that pledge drive.

Did you ask her about me?

Yeah, in fact she said that you could be one of those people that sits

Giddy-up! Alright! So now, how does that work? Now, what, I get a percentage of every pledge I bring in, right?

No, it's not aluminum siding, it's volunteer work. All the money goes to the station.

Okay, yeah, alright, that sounds good, but I still get a tote bag though, right?

Yeah, and one of those foam beer can holders.

You know what I'm doing? I'm calling Noreen.

Oh, go ahead.

You sure you don't mind?

Like she's really going to admit she was flirting with me.

Hello?

Hi, it's Elaine. Listen, I was just talking to Jerry.

Jerry?

Jerry Seinfeld.

Oh, I like Jerry a lot.

You mean like like?

What are you talking about?

Noreen, were you hitting on him?

Noreen's not here, this is Dan.

Ooh.

You say that Noreen was hitting on Jerry Seinfeld?

Uh, I'll call you back later.

Uh oh.

So was I right? She likes me, right?

Hello? (to Elaine) It's for you. Must you keep giving

Oh, I'm sorry Mr. Pitt. Hello?

Elaine? What is going on? Why did you tell Dan I was

Is this Noreen?

What would ever possess you to make up a story

Well, listen, Jerry mentioned it, and, I don't know--

I think I deserve an explanation.

Noreen, are you crying?

No, this is Dan!

Oh, hi Dan.

Elaine? Work?

Tell Noreen I'll just call her back later.

Who was crying?

No one. I'm sorry Mr. Putt, that won't happen again.

I'm sure it won't, but someone was crying and I want to know

I'm Jerry Seinfeld, I tell jokes for a living, but there's no joking

Jerry, I am so grateful that you're doing this.

Oh, I know you are.

You got the card I sent?

I did.

So where is it?

What?

The card. Is this it in the trash?

No?

This is my card, you threw it away.

Well--

I put a lot of thought into this card.

You signed your name and you addressed the envelope, it's not like you

Fine. I gotta get back to the office.

Why, because I threw the card out? How long was I supposed to save it?

You have no sentimentality.

I have sentimentality, really, I'm sentimental. Here, look. Here's

Oh, so you save her cards but not mine! Oh great!

Well, but, you see, I saved something!

New cards, huh?

No, they're old cards from my grandmother.

Oh. Well, I'll tell you, a nice greeting card can really lift a

Yeah.

Oh, a check.

Yeah, she puts ten dollars in every card for my birthday, that's why I

There's a check in all these? Why don't you cash them?

I don't know, it's ten dollars.

But you got a whole pile here. 1987?

Oh so what.

Jerry, your grandmother gave you this gift. She wants you to spend the

Oh, get out of here.

Jerry, a gift not enjoyed is like a flower that doesn't blossom.

Alright, alright, I'll cash the checks.

Yeah.

It was a 'thank you' card from Kristin because I'm doing the PBS drive.

The rule is a minimum of two days.

You making that up or do you know what you're talking about?

I'm making it up.

I mean really, what's the point of saving it? I could see if I had a

Oh, well, a mantel's a whole different story.

Absolutely.

If my parents had a mantel, I might be a completely different person.

So anyway, she's kind of upset about it so I need you to do me a favor.

Let's have it.

Well, I'm doing the PBS show, so during the show they're gonna be

You want me to ask one of the Yankees.

Could you?

Alright. I'll run it by a few people.

Alright, Do your thing, where you lie to everyone.

I should never have made that phone call.

Hey, did you ever get to talk to Noreen?

Yes, she's very upset.

So was I right about the flirting? Was it true?

I don't know, I never asked. She was yelling--

Who was flirting with you?

Remember when we were in the bookstore, that woman came up to us?

She wasn't flirting with you.

Oh, sure she was; Asked me where the 'humor' section was? Humor? Come

Jerry, her brother just had a book of political cartoons published.

Alright, so maybe she wasn't flirting with me. So what?

So, yeah, that's funny. Hey, you wanna hear something weird? Mr. Pitt

Really?

Yeah.

Why does he do that?

He probably doesn't want to get chocolate on his fingers. That's the

Oh, you know.

What, you think I eat all my meals with you? (To waitress) Excuse me,

That's the extra toast. Get it?

Got it. (the waitress walks away) Did you just see what happened

What?

Did you see the way she pointed at the check? She gave me the finger.

That's how waitress types express derision. They don't want to get

So, what do you think?

A PBS fundraiser? I'm not gonna waste any of the players' time

Channel eleven? Forgive me for trying to class up this place, for

Uh, what the hell are you doing?

I am eating my dessert. How do you eat it, with your hands?

You know, maybe George has something here about PBS.

Okay, sixty bucks from Nana.

Huh? Yeah.

Hello?

Hello, this is Chemical Bank. Just wanted you to know that your

Chemical Bank? I haven't used that account in months.

Well, someone's been cashing the checks and you're overdrawn.

Wait, we can do this over the

You got Danny Tartabull?!

You wanted a Yankee, I got you a Yankee.

Boy, you really came through. Kristin's gonna be thrilled.

Hey, the Bull owes me one, I helped him with his swing.

So you're bringing Danny Tartabull to the fundraiser tonight.

Absolutely. Pending approval of the script.

Excuse me?

Jerry, I'm Yankee management.

Yeah, I'd like to see the script too.

You're just answering phones!

It would put me at ease.

Hey, when you order from the waitress, get her to point to the menu. I

Uh, say, I wanted a side order of fruit but I didn't see it on the men

Oh, you're getting it (pointing to menu with index finger), it comes

Right you are.

I didn't get the special, but I'd also like the fresh fruit too.

I'll check.

I don't believe it, she did it again!

Oh, she had an itch.

She had an itch. She could have used any one of those fingers. That

Yeah, she knew what she was doing.

By the way, lunch is on me. I just cashed my Nana's birthday checks.

Looking for something, lady?

Isn't the Chemical Bank on this block?

The bank? It burned. It's gone!

Oh dear.

Now what you wanna do is go down to forty-ninth street, that's

Hello?

Jerry? Hello.

Uncle Leo!

Nana's missing?

I came to pick her up for a doctor's appointment, she wasn't here.

I've been thinking about her, I just cashed some of her checks.

Yeah, that's right. You did.

What kind of checks?

I think Chemical Bank.

Oh, they were Chemical.

Chemical?! She hasn't used that account since her branch closed.

Well, Kramer thought it would make her happy. (To Kramer) I never

Hey, I didn't twist your arm.

Your grandmother's on a very fixed income. What, are you broke?

Just call me if you hear anything. (hangs up and faces Kramer) Well?

Well, don't look at me.

It's your fault!

My fault? Your Nana is missing because she's been passing those bum

So anyway, it's caused a lot of problems. Dan thinks I'm interested in

I'm really sorry, but you can see why I'd make a mistake like that.

No, why?

Well, you know, because he's a high talker.

He does raise his voice occasionally, but that's normal.

No. No, no, no, not a loud talker, a high talker.

Really?

You don't think his voice sounds a lot like yours?

I never noticed that.

Well, it's no big deal, you know, it's just that he can sound like a

Great. I'm going out with a man who sounds like a woman.

Well, he looks like a man.

Yeah.

He's bald. I know that's a guy thing.

I guess.

I know he belches a lot.

Well, that's something. So, Jerry thought I was flirting with him.

Yeah.

Hm. He's kind of a

What are you doing?

I'm eating this cookie.

No, no, no, but why are you using a knife and a fork? Did you just

No, I've seen people do it. I like it.

This isn't gonna take long, is it?

Oh no, in and out, I made sure of that. And you'll be happy to know I

I'm sure it's fine.

Hey! Watch it! Did you see that guy? He just gave me the

You sure?

Oh yeah! Middle finger, straight up, at me! At us!

What are you doing?

I'm following him.

I'm sorry, the account had insufficient funds. We had to return the

Oh dear, that's my grandson. May I call him now and explain?

Oh, certainly.

And now I think she might really be interested in you. And Dan is

Would you?

Hello?

Hello, I need to speak to Jerry.

Oh, it's you. We were just talking about you.

Heh?

Any word from Nana?

No.

Nana?

Yeah, my grandma's missing.

Missing?

Yeah. I think it might have something to do with those checks.

Um, what does Nana sound like?

Like a grandmother, why?

Well...

Oh, you hung up on my Nana?!

I don't know, maybe.

You told Nana to drop dead?!

It's possible.

Yes, it is!

Alright, alright. Look, Jerry, we gotta get down to PBS, PDQ.

Alright.

No one gives us the finger! We're Yankees!

Want this last donut?

No, you can have it.

Jerry, where are all the tote bags?

I don't know.

Well, I'm not leaving the premises without tote bags. I was promised

Jerry, this man wants to see you.

Leo?

Hello.

Uncle Leo! What are you doing here?

I wanted to tell you that your grandmother is fine.

Oh.

She's had quite a day but she's gonna watch you tonight on the TV.

Jerry, I'm dying to meet Danny Tartabull. Where is he?

He'll be here any second.

You know you guys are both on in five minutes.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Why didn't you tell me you were a little short? Here. If anybody

No, that's ok, I really don't need any money.

What are you talking about?

Please-

I want-

It's not necessary.

Jerry, would you please take it.

I can't, I can't take it.

I want you to have it!

Uncle Leo, I don't want to have it!

Jerry, take the money!

I don't want it!!

Jerry, open up. We need to talk.

Who's that?

You know what? It sounds like the friend of Elaine's that was hitting

Jerry, I'll take care of it.

Is Jerry in there?

Well, he can't be disturbed now.

Well this situation is driving me crazy. He's all I think about. I can't

I'm sorry. I mean, I know what it's like to be in love. Ties you up

What?

Look, I'm not judging you. In fact, we here at PBS, we have many

No, I don't.

Are you Danny Tartabull?

No, I'm not.

I'll take care of this, Danny.

Excuse me.

What's the problem?

I believe you cut me off, and then made an obscene gesture.

I did? Where?

Outside of Manhattan, about an hour ago.

Wow! Is that Danny Tartabull?

That's right, of the New York Yankees.

I'd like to shake his hand but I can't.

I'm Jerry Seinfeld, I tell jokes for a living, but there's no joking

This is the only time this year we'll be asking for donations. You've

PBS pledge drive.

Hello, I'd like to speak with Jerry.

Oh, you again. Buddy, look, forget about Jerry. It's not gonna

This is his grandmother.

Oh, uh, Nana. Hello.

Tell Jerry I'm sorry, I'm going to have to write him some new checks.

As long as you've got your checkbook out, how about forking a little

-programs like Ken Burns' Baseball. And if Danny Tartabull were here,

Jerry? I have an announcement. Your grandmother is on the line.

My Nana?

And as we speak, she's generously writing PBS a check for fifteen

She can't do that, she's on a very fixed income! Stop the show!!

I got another card from Kristin. Not quite as chipper as the first one.

Wow. Isn't this little bunny giving you the-

Yes, he is.

You should show this to Georgie.

Here's your knife and fork.

Look, she's cutting up an Almond Joy.

I just don't get it.

You know, I saw someone on the street eating M&Ms with a spoon.

What is wrong with everybody?

Look, they're doing it. They're all doing

What is wrong with all you people?! Have you all gone