Full screenplay script transcript for Seinfeld S06E19: The Doodle
20 Scenes380 Lines
Scene 1
Opening Scene
55 lines
Jerry
You know, these pest-control companies... they call themselves exterminators, but they can't really do it.
The best they can do is get the bugs to go to somebody else's house. They just relocate them. You know what I mean? They're bug realtors is what they are. "I think you'll be happy here. There's a lot of crumbs, not much light. They usually sleep through the night, so you'll have your run of the place most of the timе."
Nobody Really Cares About Killing Insects. Evеn Animal-rights People Don't Care. You Could Probably Walk Into An Animal-rights Organization Meeting And Hear A Speech Like
"The only way to stop the cruelty of the scientific testing on animals--(Jerry slaps his neck as though he just swatted a bug.)--Ah, got him--is to boycott these companies."
JERRY, GEORGE, PAULA, and SHELLY at PAPPARDELLA RESTAURANT
George
Anyway, it's funny. Paula and I actually met because of Elaine.
Paula
Elaine is in my drawing class at the New School.
George
And I went there one day to see...
Jerry
The nude model.
George
....if Elaine wanted to go get some coffee.
Jerry
You know, I once went out with a nude model. Never let me see her naked. Hundreds of people see her naked every week except me. Needless to say, it was quite vexing.
George laughs.
George
Are you through?
Jerry
Yeah.
Shelly takes a pecan out of her mouth and places it on a dish with other pecans on it
George
So anyway, I started to compliment Elaine on her sketches, and it turns out they're Paula's.
Jerry eats one of the pecans
Paula
George, I just like to doodle.
George drops his napkin
George
Oh, dropped my napkin. (George bends over) Jerry.
Jerry
What?
George
What are you doing?
Jerry
What?
George
She had those nuts in her mouth. She just spit them out!
Jerry spits out the pecan.
George
Ugh!
Jerry
Ugh! You... You ate these? You--You sucked on these and then put them on the plate?
Shelly
Well, I didn't know you were gonna eat them.
Jerry
Still.
Shelly
I'm sorry you find me so repulsive.
Jerry
No, no, I don't. I mean, don't be silly.
Shelly
Yeah.
Jerry
It's just...
Shelly
Well, if you'll excuse me, I think I'll just go to the ladies' room.
Paula
I'll join you.
Shelly and Paula get out of their seats and leave
Jerry
Oh, man, did you see that? I ate discarded food.
George
Well, I've done that.
Jerry
Yeah, but with you it's intentional.
George
Haven't you kissed her?
Jerry
But this is different. This is like, you know, semi-digested foodstuff. You know, the next stop is the stomach, and you can take it from there.
George
Oh, excuse me one second. (George looks at his reflection in the waiter's metallic coffee carafe) Yeah, that's it.
Jerry
Yeah, that's gonna make a big difference.
George
Hey, this is dating. You can't leave anything to chance.
Jerry
You think Shelly's upset that I made a big deal about the pecan?
George
(clears throat) Yeah.
Jerry
Thanks.
George
No problem.
Shelly
Well, Jerry, I guess we should get going.
Jerry
Oh, boy.
George
Well, it was very nice meeting you, Shelly. And, Jerry, be careful, there's a lot of nuts out there.
Jerry points at George.
George
Alrighty, do you have everything?
Paula
Can you grab my purse?
George
Yeah.
George picks up Paula's napkin and stares at it.
Scene 2
Monk's Cafe
39 lines
George puts the napkin on the table.
Jerry
Yeah, so?
George
Don't you see what this is?
Jerry
Yeah, it's a doodle.
George
Yeah. A doodle of me. Look at the size of the nose, the ears. All my features are distorted!
Jerry
Oh, it's an affectionate caricature.
George holds up the doodle
George
I'm grotesque. I look like a troll.
Jerry
It's just a drawing.
George
Don't you see what this says? How could you possibly like somebody if you think they look like this?
Elaine enters the cafe.
George
Hello!
George storms away.
Elaine
What is with him?
Jerry
Usual.
Elaine
So you know what? My friend Judy recommended me for a job at Viking Press.
Jerry
Hey, good for you.
Elaine
Yeah, but get this: Viking has a deal with the Plaza Hotel. They've got a two-bedroom suite there for out-of-town clients, so guess what I did?
Jerry
Oh, come on. You told them you were from out of town just to stay in the hotel?
Elaine
I know! I know, Jerry, but it's the Plaza. I've never stayed there. It'll be like a little vacation.
Jerry
Well, be sure to catch a Broadway show while you're in town.
Elaine laughs
Elaine
Oh, listen, I used your parents' address in Florida.
Jerry
Oh. They're coming into town tomorrow, by the way.
Elaine
Hey, what's this?
Jerry
Don't ask.
Elaine
What, is it a drawing of Mr. Magoo?
Jerry
No, it's George.
Elaine
(laughs) It is!
George
Are you enjoying yourself?
Elaine
I'm sorry.
George
You see? You see? Listen, when is your next drawing class?
Elaine
Tomorrow.
George
Alright, I want you to do me a favor.
Elaine
What?
George
I want you to find out if she likes me.
Elaine
Find out if she likes you? What, are you in high school? George, come on. Can't you just, like, talk to her yourself?
George
But then she's gonna know that I like her more than she likes me.
Jerry
You know, my parents are coming, and I've gotta clean up. So if you and Potsie are done scheming...
Scene 3
Jerry's Apartment
36 lines
Jerry sits on the couch and scratches his ankle. Kramer enters, holding a peach.
Kramer
Well, they're in.
Jerry
What's in?
Kramer
The Mackinaw peaches, Jerry. The Mackinaw peaches!
Jerry
Oh. Right, the ones from Oregon that are only ripe for two weeks a year?
Kramer
Yeah, that's right. Yeah, yeah, I split a case with Newman. I wait all year for this. (Kramer takes a bite out of the peach) Oh, this is fantastic. Mmm, makes your taste buds come alive. It's like having a circus in your mouth. Take a taste.
Jerry
No, I don't want to.
Kramer
Come on, just take a taste.
Jerry
No, I don't want it.
Kramer
Come on, just take a taste.
Jerry
I don't want it! I don't want it!
Kramer
Aah, you don't want it!
Jerry
I am not gonna taste your peach. I ate someone's pecan last night. I'm not gonna eat your peach.
Kramer
Jerry, this is a miracle of nature that exists for a brief period. It's like the aurora borealis.
Kramer takes another bite out of the peach. Jerry scratches his ankle.
Jerry
Holy cow, what is this?
Kramer
What?
Jerry
I think I got flea bites.
Kramer
Flea bites?
Jerry
Yeah. Look at this, my ankle's all bitten up.
Kramer
You got a dog?
Jerry
No.
Kramer
Well, that is strange.
Jerry
How can I have fleas?
Kramer
Don't sweat it, buddy. I used to have fleas.
Jerry
What did you do about them?
Kramer
What do you mean?
Morty enters the apartment
Morty
Hey, Jerry!
Jerry
Hey!
Morty
How you doing? Kramer!
Helen enters.
Helen
Hi, Jerry. What's wrong?
Jerry
Nothing.
Helen
Jerry, I'm your mother. Now, what is it?
Jerry
Mom, Dad... I have fleas.
Scene 4
The New School
10 lines
Elaine
Hey, Paula, I hear you've been going out with George Costanza.
Paula
How did you know?
Elaine
Everybody knows. You know, George told me he thinks you're totally cute and everything.
Paula
He said that?
Elaine
Do you like George?
Paula
Yeah. He's cool.
Elaine
No, I mean, do you like him or do you "like him" like him?
Paula
"Like" like. Looks aren't that important to me, you know?
Teacher
Ms. Benes, are you chewing gum?
Elaine nods. The teacher holds out a trash can. Elaine spits her gum out.
Scene 5
Jerry's Apartment
54 lines
Exterminator
Yep. They're in your bedroom too, Mr. Seinfeld. You got a full-blown outbreak of fleas on your hands.
Jerry
I don't get it. How did this happen? I don't have a dog.
Exterminator
I don't explain them, Mr. Seinfeld. I just exterminate them.
Jerry
I don't understand this.
Exterminator
I'm gonna have to seal the place up for 48 hours and fog it. That's the only way to get rid of them.
Jerry
Nobody can be in here for 48 hours? I got my parents in town.
Exterminator
Well, unless you wanna kill them, they can't stay in here. This stuff is pretty toxic. I'll go get my stuff. It's in the truck.
Jerry
Okay.
The exterminator exits the apartment. Elaine enters.
Exterminator
How you doing?
Elaine
Hi.
Jerry
Bug guy.
Elaine
Why do you have a bug guy?
Jerry
I have fleas.
Elaine
Ugh! Fleas? How did you get fleas?
Jerry
I don't know. But everyone's gotta clear the apartment for two days. I don't know what I'm gonna do with my parents. They'll never let me pay for a hotel. And if they go someplace on their own, it'll be some awful dump. Wait a second, have you checked into the Plaza yet?
Elaine
No Oh, no.
Jerry
Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.
Elaine
Oh, no, no, no.
Jerry
My parents, my parents.
Elaine
No, no, no Okay! Good.
The buzzer rings.
Jerry
Yeah.
George
Yeah.
Jerry
Come up.
Elaine
Well, what about you? Where are you gonna stay?
Jerry
I don't know, I'm gonna ask Shelly, but she still might be upset about the masticated pecan incident.
Elaine
Hey, I found out from Paula, she likes George.
Elaine
I bet he'll be relieved.
Jerry
Yeah, when he's dead, he'll be relieved. Oh, by the way, Viking Press sent a FedEx for you to my parents. They brought it with them.
Elaine
Yeah, that's just some stuff about the company.
George enters the apartment
George
Hey, did you talk to Paula?
Elaine
Yeah.
George
So, what did she say?
Elaine
She likes you.
George
She said she liked me? You're kidding! She said that?
Elaine
Yep.
George
Those were her exact words, "I like George"?
Elaine
(nods) Yep.
George
(laughs) How do you like that? Jerry, how do you like that? You see, I get myself into a tizzy, I'm all worked up, and for what?
Elaine
For nothing. In fact, she said looks weren't even that important to her.
George
You see... What?
Elaine
Uh-oh.
Jerry shakes his head.
George
She said...? She said looks aren't that important to her?
Elaine
Let me rephrase that. She -
George
She thinks I'm ugly. I knew it.
Jerry
Well, see, the thing of it is, you know, there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don't know they're ugly because nobody actually tells them.
George
So, what's your point?
Jerry
I don't know.
Elaine
Okay. The point, George, is she likes you.
George
Oh, so what? I'd rather she hate me and thought I was good-looking. Then at least I could get somebody else. What is this? Why am I itching?
Jerry
That would be the fleas.
Scene 6
The Plaza Hotel
9 lines
Jerry
Hey.
Morty
Hey, how do you like this?
Helen
Oh, my God. Morty, let's go. This is too nice.
Morty
Hey, this is the kind of room Sinatra stays in. Hey, look, macadamia nuts.
Helen
Macadamia nuts?
Morty
Yeah, you know what these cost? They're like 80 cents a nut.
Helen
Jerry, Are you sure this is all right?
Jerry
Yeah, it's all taken care of.
Morty
Hey, they got a phone in the john here!
Scene 7
Outside Elaine's Apartment
17 lines
Elaine
Judy?
Judy
Hey.
Elaine
Hi. Thank you so much for recommending me to Viking Press.
Judy
It is my pleasure. Just make sure you give that manuscript a good read.
Elaine
Manuscript?
Judy
Yeah, I'm sure they FedExed you a manuscript. They want to see you can read an unpublished work and give insightful criticism.
Elaine
Oh.
Judy
Read it twice if you have to. This is a big step in your career.
Elaine
Yeah, I gotta go.
Judy
Hey, what about lunch?
Elaine
I gotta go.
Elaine runs away.
Elaine
Thank God I found you.
Jerry
Oh, hey.
Elaine
Do you still have that FedEx?
Yeah, I got it. It's in the apartment, but we can't go in there. It's being fumigated.
Elaine
No, I'll take my chances. Come on, come on.
Scene 8
Jerry's Apartment
49 lines
A Sign On Jerry's Door Reads
"FUMIGATION. DO NOT ENTER>"
Jerry
You see?
Elaine
Jerry, I need that FedEx right now.
Jerry
I told you to take it.
Elaine
I didn't know that it was a manuscript that I had to read.
Jerry
Well, you can't go in there. It's like a gas chamber in there.
Kramer comes out of Jerry's apartment.
Kramer
Hey, buddy. I left a Mackinaw peach in your refrigerator.
Jerry
Kramer, they're fumigating. There's toxic gas in there.
Kramer
Toxic gas?
Jerry
Oh, you'll be fine. You were there, what, a couple minutes?
Kramer
An hour and a half! I was reading a manuscript. I just couldn't put it down.
Elaine
My manuscript?
Jerry
How do you feel?
Kramer
Well, now that you mention it, a little woozy.
Elaine
Kramer, you've gotta go back in and grab my manuscript.
Kramer
I'm not going back in there.
Elaine
All right, well then where is it?
Kramer
Well, I left it on the coffee table or something.
Jerry
What are you doing?
Elaine
I'm going in.
Jerry
Didn't you see the sign on the door?
Kramer
I thought it was so your parents wouldn't walk in while you were with a girl.
Elaine signs the cross, holds her breath, and runs into the apartment. She searches the coffee table and Jerry's desk. She rummages through newspapers on the dining table. She runs out.
Elaine
It's not on any table, Kramer. Where is it?
Kramer
Well, I don't know. I was in the bathroom, the kitchen.
Elaine
Okay, bathroom, kitchen.
Jerry
Could you get me a soda?
Kramer
Jerry, I had some milk. I made a sandwich. I gotta get out of the building.
Kramer leaves. Elaine searches the kitchen. She looks on top of the fridge and under the couch cushions. She holds her hand over her mouth and runs out.
Elaine
I couldn't find it anywhere. How did you get fleas anyway?
Jerry
I don't know. Who could have been in my apartment?
Elaine
I looked everywhere, even under the couch! But all I could find were these stupid Chunky wrappers. I couldn't--
Jerry
Wait a second, wait a second. Wait a second. Did you say Chunky wrappers?
Elaine
Yeah.
Jerry
Let me see those.
Elaine hands him the wrapper. Jerry smells it.
Jerry
Oh, I know the chunky that left these Chunkys. Newman! I've got him!
Jerry knocks on Newman's door
Jerry
Newman! Open the door, Newman! I know you're in there!
Newman
Hello, Jerry. What a pleasant surprise.
Jerry
There's nothing pleasant about it, now let's just cut the crap. You gave me fleas. I know it, and you know it.
Newman
Fleas? (laughs) That's preposterous. How could I give you fleas? Now, if you don't mind...
Jerry
Oh, but I do. There's probably fleas crawling all over your little snack bar.
Newman scratches his chest behind Jerry's back. As Jerry turns around, Newman abruptly stops scratching.
Newman
So you have fleas. Maybe you keep your house in a state of disrepair. Maybe you live in squalor.
Jerry
You know, Newman, the thing about fleas is that they irritate the skin. And they start to itch. Oh, maybe you can hold out five seconds or 10. Maybe 15 or 20.
But after a while, no matter how much willpower a person may have, it won't matter because they're crawling, crawling on your skin. Up your legs, up your spine, up your back.
Newman
All right, I've got them! I'm rife with fleas!
Scene 9
The Plaza
8 lines
Morty
Oh, that feels good. Hey, this guy charges $100 an hour but I'm telling you, he's worth every penny. Oh!
Helen
I'm next.
Morty
Hey, Leo, get this. I'm watching four movies at once. Pay-per-view.
Leo
I love these nuts.
Nana
This champagne's gone flat.
Nana tosses a glass over her shoulder.
Helen
Nana.
Nana
(laughs) Let the chambermaid clean it up.
Scene 10
On a Sidewalk
16 lines
George
Hello.
Paula
What's the matter?
George
Well, I spoke to Elaine
Paula
Hey, look, no shave.
George
No. Why should that make any difference to you?
Paula
It doesn't.
George
Of course not. You don't care what I look like.
Paula
That's right, I don't.
George untucks his shirt
George
I suppose I could just pull this out and walk around like this and you wouldn't care.
Paula
Not a whit.
George
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm? I suppose we could go to Lincoln Center and I could wear sneakers and jeans, and that would be fine too.
Paula
You could wear sweatpants.
George
I could?
Paula
You could drape yourself in velvet for all I care.
George
Velvet?
Scene 11
Monk's Cafe
22 lines
Elaine
Did you read the whole thing?
Kramer
Oh, yeah.
Elaine
Yeah? So, what's it about?
Kramer
Well, it's a story about love, deception, greed, lust and unbridled enthusiasm.
Elaine
Unbridled enthusiasm?
Kramer
Well, that's what led to Billy Mumphrey's downfall.
Elaine
Oh, boy.
Kramer
You see, Elaine, Billy was a simple country boy. you might say, a cockeyed optimist who got himself mixed up in the high-stakes game of world diplomacy and international intrigue.
Elaine
Oh, my God.
A waitress arrives, bringing food.
Kramer
Well, here we go.
Elaine
Could I have a Scotch on the rocks?
Kramer reaches for a French fry from Elaine's plate.
Kramer
May I?
Elaine
Yeah, go ahead.
Kramer
All right. (Kramer eats the French fry.) What is this?
He seasons the fries with salt and eats another fry.
Elaine
What? What are you...?
Kramer
I can't taste this.
Elaine
What are you talking about?
Kramer
Well, this food, it has no taste. (He takes a bite out of the hamburger.) Nothing. I'm getting nothing! It must be the toxic gas from the fumigation.
Kramer stands up and leaves.
Scene 12
Shelly's Apartment
10 lines
Jerry
Thanks for letting me stay here.
Shelly
Well, I don't keep pecans in the house so I didn't think there would be a problem.
Jerry
Oh, damn.
Shelly
What's the matter?
Jerry
I forgot my toothbrush.
Shelly
Oh, no problem. You can use mine.
Jerry
Yours? You know what? I think I'll brush later.
Shelly
Brush now.
Jerry
Sure.
Jerry looks in the mirror and, with great hesitation, holds the toothbrush up to his mouth.
Scene 13
On a Sidewalk
8 lines
Kramer
Newman? Newman, let me have a bite of your Mackinaw.
Newman
What for? You got your own.
Kramer
Oh, come on, come on, I need to taste it. (Newman gives him the peach) Yeah.
Kramer takes a bite out of the peach
Kramer
Nothing. I can't even taste a Mackinaw.
Newman
Well, that's a shame.
Kramer
Wait all year, and I can't taste them.
Newman
You can't taste them, why waste them? Why not give them all to me?
Scene 14
In Mr. Mandel's Office.
7 lines
Elaine
It's a story about love, deception, greed, lust, and... unbridled enthusiasm.
Mr. Mandel
Unbridled enthusiasm?
Elaine
Yeah, yeah. That's right. That's what led to Billy Mumphrey's downfall.
Mr. Mandel
Hmm. Interesting take. So, you believe that had he not been so enthusiastic, he could have averted disaster.
Elaine
Yes. Yes, that's right. You see... You see, Billy Mumphrey was a simple country boy. Some might say, a cockeyed optimist who got caught up in the dirty game of world diplomacy and international intrigue.
Mr. Mandel
So, it was more a question of attitude than politics.
Elaine
Yes. Yes, Mr. Mandel.
Scene 15
The Plaza
2 lines
Morty
Hey, Under Siege is on again. Who's up for it?
Leo
No more nuts. (groans)
Scene 16
Monk's Cafe
12 lines
George walks into the cafe wearing a black tracksuit
Jerry
Oh, my God. What the hell is this? Don't tell me. Velvet?
George
It's the real deal.
Jerry
She's seen you in this thing?
George
That's right. We just had sex. You know, Jerry, I've been searching for someone a long time. Well, the search is over.
Jerry
And now, the search for the right psychiatrist begins.
George
So, what's with the suitcase?
Jerry
She threw me out.
George
Why?
Jerry
I wouldn't use her toothbrush.
George
So where you staying?
Jerry
Well, I guess I'm stuck with the Velvet Fog.
Scene 17
In Mandel's Office
4 lines
Mr. Mandel
Three hours of massage time, twelve in-room movies including several adult features, five shoeshines, and $400 worth of snacks. Not to mention the damage to the room.
Elaine
Mr. Mandel, you don't understand. My friend had fleas. I ran into the gas. It could have killed me. My other friend couldn't taste his peaches. They're only good for two weeks.
Mr. Mandel
I think you've read one too many Billy Mumphrey stories. Good day, Ms. Benes.
Elaine
Okay, good day.
Scene 18
Monk's Cafe
6 lines
George walks into the cafe while finishing a peach.
Paula
Hi, George.
George
Hi. This is fantastic. (George puts the pit on a plate.) You ever had a Mackinaw peach?
Paula
Oh, yeah, I love those.
George
Well, too bad. It's all done.
Paula puts the pit in her mouth. George stares. His jaw drops. He gags and covers his mouth with his napkin.
Scene 19
On a Sidewalk, Near a Mailbox
11 lines
A man ties his dog Beauford to a tree. Kramer licks his envelope several times.
Kramer
Yes. Yes, it's back! I can taste again. What's the date?
Man
Uh, fifteenth.
Kramer
Fifteenth! Yes! Last day for the Mackinaws. I can still make it. Wait, Newman! Newman, wait!
Newman
Sorry. Last one. But if you want to suck the pit... (laughs)
Kramer
Look, Beauford. It's the mailman.
Beauford barks.
Kramer
You remember the mailman, don't you?
Newman
Kramer! Kramer, don't!
Kramer unties the dog's leash. The dog chases Newman.
Kramer
Get him!
Scene 20
The Plaza Hotel Room
5 lines
Elaine knocks on the door and enters.
Elaine
Hello? Is anybody here?
Elaine looks around and sees that the room is extremely untidy. Uncle Leo struts out in a robe.
