The Secretary

Well I am actually going to have a secretary and I get to do the interview.

That's incredible. Six months ago you were taking messages for your mother.

Yeah, and now someone's going to be taking messages for me.

From your mother.

So this ah, woman you plan on hiring, is she going to be in the "Spokes model" category?

Sure. I could go the tomato route. But eh, I've given this a lot of thought Jerry. All that frustration. I'll never get any work done. So I'm doing a complete 360. I'm going for total efficiency and ability.

That's a 180, George.

Whatever.

Hi Willie.

Hey Jerry.

I got this stuff and ah my mother's fur coat for storage.

What are you doing with it?

Ah, she keeps it in my apartment for when she comes up from Florida.

Hi.

Hi.

Hey Jerry, you know my wife "Donna".

Yeah, that's why I said "hi".

Hey, nice jacket. (looking over the jacket)

Thanks. It's Hounds-Tooth.

Whoa, this is a beauty. Great cut. It's probably very flattering.

Oh yes, it really accentuates my bust line.

Well, I type about 90 words a minute. I'm completely well-versed in all IBM and Macintosh programs.

(looking over her resume) Well Miss Coggins you're ah, obviously qualified for the job. You've all the necessary skills and experience. But you're extremely attractive. you're gorgeous. I'm looking at you, I can't even remember my name. So ah, I'm afraid this is not going to work out (he crumples her resume into a ball) Thanks for coming in.

You're luscious. You're ravishing. I would give up red meat just to get a glimpse of you in a bra. I'm terribly sorry. (both George and the attractive female applicant stand up as George reaches across the desk and shakes her hand for coming in)

As you can see my references are impeccable. I think I'd be a real asset here. My only concern is, I do take care of my mother. So will there be any late nights?

I can't imagine.

Ok, So Barney's is having this huge sale. I try this dress on -- (holds the garment bag out towards Jerry) -- Stunning. Stunning. I couldn't take my eyes off myself.

Yeah.

OK, so then I put it on at home. It looks like I'm carrying twins.

So you're saying, Store -- Hotsy-Totsy, Home-- Hotsy-Notsy.

Yeah exactly. Anyway I've got to go over there and return it.

I thought we were going to the movies?

All right I'll try it on again. You tell me what you think. (she turns and goes into the bedroom to change clothes)

Hey hey.

Hey George

Hey Elaine. (George hangs up his raincoat next to the door) I'm telling you Jerry, having a secretary is incredible. (George claps hands) I don't know why I didn't have one before.

Because you didn't have a job?

Perhaps. (hehe) I walk in, everything is organized -- messages, appointments. And I can't tell you how proud I am of myself for going with Ade.

A lesser man would have crumbled. They would have gone for the "dish" and the sure fire sexual-harassment suit.

It's a little ...

All Right! (throws arms down) You answered it right there.

You got no waist in that thing.

You arms look like something hanging in a kosher deli.

I said, All Right.

Well wha'd you buy it for?

Why did I buy it, because in the mirror, at Barney's, I looked fabulous. This woman was just walking by said I looked like Demi (the "i" sounds like an "e") Moore in Indecent Proposal.

How fast was she walking?

Demi (the "i" sounds like an "e")? I thought it was Demi?

No. I think it's Demi. (the "i" sounds like an "e")

Really? I never heard of a semi (the "i" sounds like an "e") tractor-trailer. (Jerry nods in agreement)

Wait a minute (claps hands) Wait a minute. I know what's going on here. Skinny Mirrors! (she pushes George and Jerry in their respective chests, with her arms extended -- one arm for each of them -- they recoil with surprise)

What?

Skinny Mirrors! Barney's has Skinny Mirrors, they make you look, like, 10 pounds lighter.

Oh, you're crazy.

Am I? (hands on hips) Do you think I would have bought this dress if I looked like this at Barney's?

(to Jerry, as Jerry nods in agreement) You know I think she might have something there.

Whoa. What are you all dressed up for?

Oh I'm returning this dress to Barney's.

Good idea.

Do it tomorrow. Well go to the movies.

Yeah yeah, ok.

Hey look, if you're going there, maybe you could pick me up some of this super hydrating, it's a total-protection moisturizer with Uva.

Moisturizer? That's girls stuff.

No no, look. I'll tell you what -- they're having a sale right.

yeah.

I'll meetcha down there, well have lunch.

Well we could ...

Well, we'll get to know each other. We never get to spend any time together. Oh sure we have our little group here, but ... (he looks and gestures out towards George and Jerry, as Elaine walks back into the bedroom to change out of the dress -- Kramer scratches his head in sort of disbelief)

And then assuming the strike is resolved, on April 14th, we, ah, play the Angels. So let's clear a floor at the Anaheim Hotel.

Anaheim Hotel. (George picks up a container of chinese food from the credenza) You may want to reconsider. I believe they only have room service until 10 P.M. and then it's only finger foods.

Ade, you're a wonder. (he he -- george laughs)

OK, now I projected some of those figures for you regarding the switch to Canola oil for the stadium popcorn and surprisingly it will only come to 1/2 a cent more per bag, so it is definitely doable.

Ade, I have to tell you, I, I have never met anybody so ... efficient.

Well thank you, I'm flattered.

I mean you're just, you're just a marvel of organization.

Well I'm just, hm, doing my job.

It's like I'm thinking of something, and you're (snaps fingers) one step ahead of me.

What can I say? I'm ... I'm good at what I do. (smiling and quietly laughing proudly)

(coyly, he looks down and runs his finger along the top of the chair back in front of him) Do you, uh ... do you know what I'm ... thinking about now?

(thinking about the question, she stops writing) Yes, I think I do. (she turns her head slowly and looks directly at him)

Is it, uh, doable?

It's definitely doable.

Well, that was the worst.

I can't believe they made the Wife the killer. (putting on gloves) Gimme a break.

(waiting in line for tickets, he overhears Elaine) Hey, give us a break. We haven't seen it yet. Thanks a lot big mouth!

(waiting in line, closer to the box office) Yeah! (in agreement with the other guy)

You got a pen?

Yeah, I think I do.

And I need something to write on.

Well, all I got is my dry-cleaning stub.

I gust met Uma Therman. She's giving me her telephone number. Uma Jerry, Uma.

Uma Therman? Really?

Yeah.

How'd you manage that.

Yeah well I don't have any time to talk now. (he rushes back into the theater)

He's got the Kavorca. (looking towards the theater door, Jerry notices one of the movie goers) Hey, isn't that Willie, my dry-cleaner?

Where?

He just went in. You know, I think he was wearing my Hounds-Tooth jacket.

What would he be doing wearing your jacket?

It looked just like the jacket I brought in to be dry-cleaned. He complimented me on it.

Are you sure?

I got it. Uma, Uma, Uma. (looking at the ticket)

You are amazing.

Yeah, all right. Taxi's on me. (he walks off camera)

Ah no no no no no. A better way to reach the bra would be to undo the jacket, then go around the back of the shirt.

Ade you are incredible

Oh ...oh ...oh ... Here, I want to show you something. Hand me that pillow.

What? Oh, My God!

Mr. CO STAN ZA!

Ade, ahh, ahh, ah ... I'm giving you a raise!

So you're having sex and then all of a sudden, you just blurt out "I'm giving you a raise."

Yeah.

Just a quick sidebar here -- are you in anyway authorized to give raises?

Not that I'm aware of, no.

So you're so grateful to have sex, that you'll just shout out anything that comes into your head.

I didn't think ahead.

Well maybe she'll just think it was bawdy talk.

I didn't say any other bawdy things.

Maybe you could have sex with her again and then take it back.

All right, you know you're not any help at all here. I don't know what even the point is of talking to you anymore.

All right, all right. I'm sorry.

Yeah, well, I guess the only thing I can do is go into George Steinbrenner's office and tell him he has to give her a raise.

How long has she been there?

3 days.

It's almost a week.

Oh, My god.

What?

It's a movie stub from the 9:30 show. George, I think Willie the dry-cleaner has been wearing my clothes.

These mirrors are skinny mirrors. This is false ... reflecting. And I think, that the department of ... you know, whatever, would be very interested to know what's going on here.

Well, we're more than happy to exchange it for something else.

OK fine. (smiling) I did like that little Calvin Klein number right by the elevator. You know the little ... (motions in the direction of the elevator)

I'll bring it to your dressing room.

Ok thanks so much. (the Barney's sales associate turns and walks away. Elaine turns to Kramer as he admires himself in the mirror) What are you all dressed up for?

Well Elaine, when you're shopping on Madison Avenue, you don't want to skip on the, swank.

I like your little bag.

Huh, oh hey, look at this. (he pulls a little tube out of the bag) It's the super hydrating, triple-action moisturizer, hmm.

Huh.

Wait till that Uma smells this Uva.

Hey Kramer.

Hey Bania, what's happening? (Kramer, looking into the mirror, is putting moisturizer under his eyes)

I'm looking for a new suit. I can't find anything I like. That's a nice suit. (admiring Kramer's suit)

Well, thank you.

Did you get that here?

No, this is vintage. They don't make this stuff anymore.

You're telling me.

I sure am.

It's hard for me to find pants that --

(interrupting Bania) That don't make you look high-waisted.

Yes

Me too.

What size are you?

Uh, 42.

42, That's what I am now. I've been working out, I'm huge. How'd you like to sell it?

make me an offer.

100 Bucks

Surely you jest. (walks away from Bania)

175

Look at the stitching (takes the jacket off to show Bania) This is old world craftsmanship.

300 dollars.

Sold. Follow me into the dressing room.

You throw the shirt in?

Bania, you're killing me.

Hey that's the women's dressing room.

There's nothing in there that I haven't seen before.

(Opens the door, looks in and then knocks 5 times) Mr. Steinbrenner, (waves) can I talk to you for a second?

Yes yes George. Can you talk to me for a second? Of course you can -- I'm a very accessible man. I just wanted to say you're doing great work on that Canola oil stuff.

Well, you know, to be honest sir -- my, my new secretary Ade, came up with that one.

Ade, Ade, I like that name George.

She supports her whole family. (walking slowly into the room)

Is that a fact George?

Yes, In fact, her mother is in the hospital right now. It's some kind of a Diverticulitis. (he continues walking slowly towards Steinbrenner's desk)

I had a bout of that myself one time -- knocked me right on my ass.

She can't even afford to go out to lunch. She's been eating in a high school cafeterias She pretends to be a teacher. It's pathetic.

What's that cost her, like, two and a quarter? ($2.25)

You know what I was just thinking -- she could really use a raise.

You know, she'd be better off making a sandwich at home and bringing it in. (picks up the telephone hand set) Hello, ah, George will you excuse me.

Psst. Hey.

Kramer, what are you doing here?

Listen, I need you to get me some clothes.

What?

Yeah, I just sold my suit to Bania for a cool three-hundred.

So go buy a new one.

What, at this place? It would destroy my whole profit margin.

So.

Listen do me a favor -- just call Jerry, tell him to bring me some clothes.

Ouhhh (Kramer disappears back behind his wall as Elaine opens the dressing room door)

Hello, Willie.

Hey, Jerry. You dropping off?

No, but ah, seen any good movies lately?

You came by to ask that?

Yeah. Specifically 9:30 shows. Seen any good 9:30 shows at the Paragon, Willie?

What are you gettin at?

I saw you the other night stepping out with my Hounds-Tooth jacket.

Jerry that's a breach of the dry-cleaner's code.

You need a code to tell you not to wear peoples' clothes

I wasn't wearing your jacket. Jerry you're imagining things. (he makes the circular motion next to his ears - the international symbol for "insane")

Yeahhh, am I imagining this? (he whips out the movie stub and holds it up to Willie) Found this little cutie in the pocket. (throws the stub on the counter)

Jerry.

Yeah, Yeah. Well, now that we understand each other -- I'll be taking my business elsewhere. And I want my mother's fur coat back too.

Jerry, come on.

Now.

Now? (Willie looks off with his eyes to his left -- he is thinking about his wife Donna)

Yeah. I want that coat. (Jerry opens his wallet, looking for the dry-cleaning ticket)

Well ... ahh. (apprehensively)

Where's that ticket? Oh, Kramer.

Wait, you, you mean to tell me you don't have a ticket for the coat?

No, not on me.

Well, I, I need to see that ticket.

Why? I've got my cleaning before without a ticket.

Yeah, but this is different. Those fur storage warehouses are huge. You can't, get anything without a number.

All right, I'll be back.

Yeah it looks good here, but what does that mean?

So, uh, do you want it?

I don't know, I have to think about it. (the sales associate walks away) I need a nonpartisan mirror.

I can't thank you enough, Mr. Costanza. I'm so grateful

Yes, well, I sat down with Mr. Steinbrenner. I told him you have been doing great work. I said that you deserved a raise, and if you didn't get it, that I, was leaving. (motions with both arms in a circular motion to his right)

It was just so generous.

Oh, well, don't worry about it -- he's got plenty of money. (spins his chair away from her)

Oh I know, but Twenty Five Thousand.

(spins his chair back to face her) So you got a $25,000 a year raise.

Yes, I tell you, Mr. Steinbrenner...

You're making more than I am.

I am?

What are you doing? You're making more than I am. A secretary cannot make more than her boss.

Well apparently they can.

Oh, this is insanity. I'm not this hippie. (meaning her hips are not that large)

Hey, what do you think of this?

(with disbelief): You'll never pull it off.

Hey, what's going on in there?

(to the Barney's sales associate) Excuse me, could you tell me where I could find, like, women's moisturizer lotions?

This woman has been in there for over an hour.

Excuse me Miss., Is everything ok in there?

[Yeah] (through the door)

Kramer?

Oh, Jerry, you got my clothes?

What clothes?

Didn't Elaine call you?

No.

Well what are you doing here?

What am I doing here? You're in the women's dressing room. I need that ticket stub back so I can get my mother's fur coat out.

Oh, the stub, yeah. I left it in my, my pants

Where are your pants?

Well, I sold them to Bania.

What? You sold your pants to Bania. Let me in.

Why'd you sell your pants to Bania?

ouhhh -- I had Uma Therman's number written on that stub. I lost Uma's number.

Where are your clothes?

I told you I sold them to Bania.

You mean what you were wearing?

Yeah.

How'd you expect to get out of here?

Well, I didn't think ahead.

This isn't going to work for me ... so if you could show me something else.

No.

No?

No, because you're taking that one.

I am?

Yes. Because you wore it out of the store.

Ha! That's preposterous.

I suppose that salt stain came from all the snow in the store.

Shall I wrap it or will you wear it out?

No. You can wrap it. (Dejected. Elaine puts her head down and her hand to her forehead as she walks into the dressing room area) Kramer, are you still in there?

[Elaine]

Jerry?

Elaine, where's Kramer?

Bania?

Kramer.

I'm going out. (he comes out of the dressing room, while Kramer remains inside)

Jerry.

Bania.

Kramer, I want my money back for this suit. You're nancy-boy cream leaked all over the pockets -- Suits ruined.

Well you're not getting any money back. (Kramer opens the door) Jerry, come back in here.

(to Bania) Excuse me. (he goes back in the dressing room)

Uma's number is on that ticket.

Never mind Uma, I need that ticket to get my mother's fur coat back. Why don't you just give him the money for the suit?

I'm not going to give him $300 now for a suit with moisturizer cream all over it.

I got an idea.

What?

I can't believe I'm gonna do this. (Jerry opens the door and exits the dressing room. He walks over to Bania)

Bania can I talk to you for a second? How's everything going?

Pretty good.

Yeah, well, see the thing of it is, I'm in a bit of an awkward position here. Because, uhh, I don't want to get in between you two guys but ... I need a dry-cleaning ticket that's in the pocket of those pants.

Well all you gotta do is tell Kramer to give me my money back, and you'll get your ticket.

Yeah, yeah all right, well uh ... tell you what I will do Bania -- you give me the ticket, and uh, I will take you out for a nice dinner.

Can we go back to Mendy's?

You want to go to Mendy's, I'll take you to Mendy's.

Twice? I wanna go twice.

all right let's be reasonable, Bania. I'm taking you out for a nice dinner. All I want is a little ticket in that pocket. I think it's a pretty good deal.

Two Mendy's.

. . . All right (gritting teeth) Just give me the ticket.

Here you go.

Ohh ... (takes the ticket and heads for the dressing room)

But Mr. Steinbrenner, how can I be expected to perform my job properly, knowing that my uh, subordinate is making more money than I am? With all due respect sir, it's outta whack.

Uh huh, I understand what you're saying George and I know what it's like to be financially strapped. When I was a young man in Cleveland I use to hitchhike to work. One time I got picked up by a bakery truck. You think that stuff smells good? Try being cooped up in the back of one of those babies.

I couldn't look at a donut for the next two years. Well not that I was ever one for the sweets.

Sure I like a cup cake every now and then, like everybody else. You know I like it when they have a little cream on the inside, it's a surprise. That's good, plus the chocolate ones are good too. Sometimes I just can't even make up my mind. A lot of times I'll mix the two together, make a vanilla fudge.

Let me in, it's me. (Kramer opens the door, Jerry goes in the dressing room) Here. You don't know what this is costing me. (hands Kramer the ticket)

(closes the door) All right, nice work. (he looks at the ticket, flips it over, and then over again) Where's Uma's number? The moisturizer smudged out the phone number.

(Takes the ticket back and looks at it, flips it over) The dry-cleaning numbers are gone too.

(grabs the ticket back and holds it up to the light) It must have been the botanical extracts.

(grabs the ticket back) Give me that.

Hey Bania, the dinners off. The ticket's no good. The numbers are all smudged out. (holds out the ticket and hands it to Bania)

(looking at the ticket then quickly looks up at Jerry) You trying to get out of Mendy's? you can't do that.

The ticket is worthless.

You promised me.

Hey, Isn't that my mother's fur coat?

No it's not. (the coat)

It is! (Jerry walks forcefully into the dressing room and closes the door) Give me that back.

No, what are you talking about.

Are you out of your mind? Don't you ... take your hands ...

You can't have that coat, it's not yours.

What do you think the dry-cleaner's is your own personal closet!

Donna, do you think you can get the salt stain out of this?

Let me see. (Looking at the stain) Piece of cake. Bring it

(Tilts her head down, looking over her glasses in amazement of

Mmm. This soup is great.

Yeah, it's very good. (reluctantly)

I told you Mendy's had the best pea soup. The best Jerry, the best. Are you enjoying it?

Yeah. I'm having a wonderful time. (it's obvious he isn't)

Wait till you try the swordfish. You know Jerry, I was thinking. For our next meal, do you think we should come here ... or should we go someplace else? You know it has it's pros and cons. On the one hand, here, you're guaranteed a great meal. On the other hand --

(Interrupting Bania) Yeah, yeah I know. This would be good, but it would be the same. But if we go some place else, it would be different, but it might not be as good. It's a gamble. I get it.

Yeah. Well, let's hurry up and eat I gotta get out of here. I'm meeting a woman for a drink.

Oh, and who might that be?

Some woman named Uma. I got her number off of that ticket before it was smudged. Hope she's good-looking. (crosses his fingers in the air)

If you are a waitress and you ever see me in a restaurant, I'm telling you right now, I don't want to hear about the specials. I don't want to know about the specials. I'm sick of the specials. I hate the specials. My feeling is, if the specials were so special, they'd be on the menu. You know what's special about them? They don't know if anybody likes them. They always have these overly creative descriptions of the specials too, you know. The veil is lightly slapped, and then sequestered in a one-bedroom suite with a white wine intravenous.