The Beard

Look at you. Why don't you use a fork? You're no good with the sticks.

I know. I need a lesson.

You stink. You know you stink. What is this?

Oh. My ballet tickets.

Oh. Your ballet tickets.

Hey, have you ever been to the ballet?

No, but I've seen people on tiptoes.

You know, I'm going as a beard.

A beard?

Yeah. This friend of a friend knows this banker guy, he's, I don't know, 30 years, unbelievably gorgeous, of course he's gay.

Yes.

So anyway his boss has a box at the Met and he invited us to see Swan Lake, which is fine, but he's afraid that his boss can't handle his orientation, so I'm going along as his date.

Why are you doing this?

Swan Lake, at the Met.

Oh, Chinese food. I knew I smelled something.

Hey, is George still wearing that toupee?

Yeah.

Doesn't he know how ridiculous he looks in that thing?

I think he looks fantastic.

Oh, come on.

No, I never realized what an attractive man he is.

Hey, people, people, people, people, people. Not bad, huh? Excuse me.

You look ridiculous in that thing.

Is that so? Or could it be that you're just a *little* bit worried that you may have missed the boat?

Well I think they might have sutured that thing to your brain.

Ha ha ha ha, oh all right, go ahead, deride, deride if you must. But let me tell you something, with my personality and this set of hair, you know what I am now? I am in the game. I no longer defer to the coifed. I'm a player.

You know I just thought of something. I know this gorgeous woman, she called me up this morning, she's moving into the city, and she asked me if I know of anyone she could meet. Now you can go out with her.

Well what about me?

No I think he's got you beat buddy.

So she's gorgeous.

Oh yeah, last time I saw her she was, five years ago.

Well have you got a picture?

No.

Well, I have to see her.

Hey, I know what we can do. I've got a friend who works over at the police station. He's a composite artist.

Really?

Yeah, yeah, maybe I can get him to draw a picture of her for you.

Oh I would love that. You think he'd really do it?

Yeah, yeah. I think he will.

It sounds like an excellent idea.

Hey Jerry, you want this, cause I'm going to give it to a homeless person.

Well I'm very excited about this. I've always wanted to see how those sketch artists do it.

Here you go brother. Some food for you.

Thank you. You're a good man. Bless you.

Now are you going to be here in an hour?

Where am I going?

Oh that's good, that's good. Make the eyes, uh, what's that nut?

Almond?

Almond. Yeah. Make the lips fuller. Poutier.

Pouty? I like that.

You can't go wrong with pouty.

I'm excited about the pouty.

All right I think that about does it.

All right George, come on, take a look.

Oh yeah, you were right. She's gorgeous.

Hey, Lou, who's that woman over there?

Oh, that's Sergeant Tierney. Nice officer. You want to meet her?

Well this worked out okay. So are you going to see the police woman?

Yeah, I think I will. I like the idea of having the law on my side.

Hey, man. Enjoy the food?

Yes I did. Where did the Chinese learn to cook like that?

Oh, listen, I'll take that Tupperware now.

I don't think so.

Woah, woah, that's mine.

You gave it to me.

No, no, I didn't say you could keep it. You see I don't give away tupperware.

You should have said something.

I didn't think I had to. Look with a piece of Tupperware you just assume.

I've really got to thank you for this.

Well by now, you think people would be a little more open minded.

Really. Would you excuse me? I have to run to the bathroom.

So, um, you and Robert.

Yes indeed.

I'm surprised.

Really. Why?

No reason.

Well believe me this didn't happen overnight. Robert's not exactly a *one* *woman* *man*, if you know what I mean. No sirree Bob. Sure, I mean in a lot of ways, he's a typical guy, he likes his sports, but he counters that side with the side you see here tonight at the ballet, or the pleasure he gets in watching Ms. Liza Minelli belt out a few choice numbers. It's those two halves of his personality that just come together to make him the very special guy that he is.

Oh, hi honey.

Oh it was such a great night.

And did they suspect anything?

No, I was a fantastic beard. I held hands, I called him honey.

And we discover yet another talent. Posing as a girlfriend for homosexuals.

Oh it was such a great night. Oh.

You said that already.

Oh I did?

Yeah.

Oh.

Oh no. Don't tell me. You like him?

He's incredible.

Yeah, but?

Yeah, I know.

So?

What?

Not conversion. You're thinking conversion?

Well it did occur to me.

You think you can get him to just change teams? He's not going to suddenly switch sides. Forget about it.

Why? Is it irrevocable?

Because when you join that team it's not a whim. He likes his team. He's set with that team.

We've got a good team.

Yeah, we do. We do have a good team.

Why can't he play for us?

They're only comfortable with *their* equipment.

We just got along *so* great.

Of course you did. Everyone gets along great when there's no possibility of sex.

No, no, no, I sensed something. I did sense something. I perceived a possibility Jerry.

You realize you're venturing into uncharted waters.

I realize that.

Are you that desperate?

Yes I am.

So are you going to bring your gun?... All right, then it's settled. First date, no weapons... All right I'll see you then... Okay, bye.

What are you looking for?

Tupperware.

Sorry. I don't have any tupperware.

I knew this was going to happen. I just made a delicious casserole, but now it won't keep because I have no Tupperware.

What about a plastic bag?

You must be kidding.

What is the difference?

The patented burp, Jerry. It locks in freshness.

So I spoke a little to your little friend Denise last night.

Oh yeah, you talked to her.

Yeah for two hours. She's nuts about you.

Yeah well we go way back.

Why didn't anything happen between you two?

Who's to say it didn't?

So did you describe yourself to her over the phone?

Yes I did.

What did you say to her?

What do you think I said?

I don't know.

I told her the truth.

As you see it?

Yes, as I see it.

Did you tell her about, uh, your little hat there?

What hat?

You know, you're little hair hat there.

No.

Don't you think she could tell?

No, no, no she can't tell. It's a perfect match. Beautiful job.

Are you kidding? I could spot that bird's nest two blocks away.

You only think that because you know me.

Have you noticed people staring at your head?

I noticed people staring at my head because they like what they see.

Well I think you should either take it off or tell her about it.

No he's not going to take it off. If he was going to go over there bald, I never would have introduced him.

Look, I guarantee she won't know.

Yeah that's it. All right, I'm going to go down to the precinct. I'm going to have lunch with Lou.

Oh, I'll split a cab with you.

Hey I'm really sorry about the other day. Really sorry.

Hey that's my coffee!

Hi Sarge.

Hi, I'm sorry I'm late. Some of our lineup decoys didn't show. Hey any of you guys want to be in the lineup? Make a quick 50 bucks?

Sure. I will.

Perfect. Just go over there with officer Lampert.

All of you, turn to the left.

The left.

Now turn to the right.

(thinking to himself) Oh my god, there she is. That's the face, just like the picture.

George?

Yeah. Hi. It's great to meet you.

Likewise. Have you been waiting long?

No, no. I just got here. A few minutes ago.

Good, good.

Well why don't you take off your hat and stay awhile.

What's that?

A polygraph. It's what you civilians call a lie detector test.

Oh. Let me ask you, when someone is lying, is it true that their pants are actually on fire?

If I could tell you the famous faces that have been up here. A certain cast member of Melrose Place.

Really.

Have you ever seen the show?

No.

You can admit it Jerry. It's okay.

I admit it. I don't watch it.

Hey Lou, maybe we should put him on the poly.

The poly?

Yeah. I think you've seen it.

Melrose Place?

Yes. Melrose Place.

I just didn't know you watched that.

Well I do.

I mean every time I mention it you never say anything or join in the conversation.

Well maybe I was a little embarrassed.

You mean this whole time we could have been discussing Sydney and Michael and Jane...

And Billy and Jake and Allison, yes we could have discussed it.

Why? Why were you so embarrassed?

The point is I'm going to be taking this lie detector test and that needle's going to be going wild.

That is *so* stupid. Why don't you just confess?

It's too stupid to confess. Look at what I'm confessing to.

So what are you going to do?

I don't know. Maybe I can beat the machine.

Oh, who do you think you are? Castanza?

Hey you know what? I have access to one of the most deceitful, duplicitous, deceptive minds of our time. Who better to advise me?

Oh god this tastes terrible.

Did you shake it up?

No.

You gotta shake it up.

No. I'm sick of shaking. You've got to shake everything.

Yeah, that's a real nuisance. This is killing me.

So, I'm going out tonight with Robert and the boss and his wife.

So tonight are you going to make the move?

Yeah, I think I might.

Hey there he is. So what happened? Could she detect it?

That's an interesting question.

How so?

How so? I'll tell you how so. She's bald!

What do you mean bald?

What do you think I mean bald? Bald. Bald bald.

She's bald?

She's bald.

Oh come on.

Oh come on? No come on. She took off her hat and there she was (waving his hand over his head) hello. It was like I was looking at myself in the mirror.

Well maybe she got a haircut or something.

Let me tell you something. No one walks into a beauty parlor and says "Give me the Larry Fine."

Women go bald?

Yeah, I've heard of that. I mean they usually wear a wig.

Hey.

Hey.

You fixed me up with a bald woman.

Bald?

Yeah, that's right.

Do you see the irony here? You're rejecting somebody because they're bald.

So?

(puts her hands up to her mouth) You're bald!

No I'm not. I *was* bald.

Elaine.

No, no, no Elaine.

(shouting) I don't like this thing. And here's what I'm doing with it.

Nooooo.

Hahaha, why'd you start that fight with me?

Well I figured that's what couples do.

You almost convinced me we were a couple.

Well it was easy. Really.

Well good night, I'll call you tomorrow.

Oh, uh, wait a second. Would you like to come, upstairs?

Upstairs?

Yeah. Upstairs?

Elaine...

I was hoping you know, that you might be interested in... changing teams?

Changing teams?

Have you ever thought about it?

But I'm a starting shortstop.

Robert, we need a shortstop. *Real bad*.

I tell you, when she threw that toupee out the window, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I feel like my old self again. Totally inadequate, completely insecure, paranoid, neurotic, it's a pleasure.

Good to have you back.

And you know what else I've decided to do? I'm going to keep seeing the bald woman.

She's as good as anybody else.

Her scalp was clean. She had a nice skull. There just wasn't a lot of hair on it.

Yeah you've had like a religious awakening. You're like a bald-again.

Going to need a little more coffee here.

So George, how do I beat this lie detector?

I'm sorry, Jerry I can't help you.

Come on, you've got the gift. You're the only one that can help me.

Jerry, I can't. It's like saying to Pavorotti, "Teach me to sing like you."

All right, well I've got to go take this test. I can't believe I'm doing this.

Jerry, just remember. It's not a lie... if you believe it.

Hey, I did it.

What?

I turned him. He defected.

Get out! (pushes Elaine) How? How did you do that?

Because I'm a *woman*. (swiveling her hips) Ba-ba-ba-boom-chicka-boom-chicka-boom-boom- boom.

Elaine, do you know what you've done? You've give hope to every woman who's ever said "Too bad he's gay".

Well it's a lesson for the kids out there. Anything's possible. Jeromy, I have *hit* the jackpot. The perfect man. Nothing but sex and shopping.

What's your name?

Jerry Seinfeld.

What is your address?

129 West 81st street.

Did Kimberly steal Jo's baby?

I don't know.

Did Billy sleep with Allison's best friend?

I don't know.

Did Jane's finance kidnap Sydney and take her to Las Vegas? And if so, did she enjoy it?

I don't know.

Did Jane sleep with Michael again?

(He hesitates) Yes! That stupid idiot. He left her for Kimberly, he slept with her sister. He tricked her into giving him half her business, and then she goes ahead and sleeps with him again. I mean she's crazy. How could she do something like that? Oh that Jane, she makes me so mad.

He went back? What do you mean he went back?

He went back.

I don't understand it. You were having such a great time, the sex, the shopping.

Well here's the thing. Being a woman, I only really have access to the, uh... equipment, what, thirty, forty-five minutes a week. And that's on a good week. How can I be expected to have the same expertise as people who *own* this equipment, and have access to it twenty-four hours a day, their entire lives.

You can't. That's why they lose very few players.

Yeah, I guess I never really stood a chance.

Well there's always a place for you, on our team.

Yeah. (teary-eyed) Thanks. Is Melrose Place on?

Yeah. It's coming on in a few minutes.

Okay.

Hey. Don't worry it hasn't started.

Hey George, I am *really* proud of you. I really do admire what you've done.

Do you? That makes me so happy. Elaine's proud of me Jerry.

What is the matter?

I got rejected by a bald woman. A bald woman rejected me. Heh, you like that one? A woman with no prospects and no *hair*, told me that I wasn't her type. Apparently *baldy* likes a slimmer guy.

Well I'll tell you what I think. I think she saw you with that piece off and was devastated. You blew it boy. You really blew it. And you had to ruin it for him. Didn't you?

I didn't ruin anything. He looked like an idiot. He did, and it made him act like a jerk.

All right, shut up, shut up, Melrose Place is coming on.

Oh that Michael, I hate him, he's just so smug.

Hey, how you doing Stu? Eddie, my man. You again? Boy, you're a slippery one. You'd better straighten up and fly right buddy boy.

I've got an eyewitness to that jewelry store break-in. Come here. Do you recognize anybody in the lineup?

That's the guy officer. The guy there in the middle. The tall guy with the, with the high hair. I'd recognize him anywhere.

Hey you, you with the high hair, step forward.

Me?