Full screenplay script transcript for Seinfeld S06E02: The Big Salad
16 Scenes309 Lines
Scene 1
Opening Scene
1 lines
Its fascinating. When you go into a stationery store that they're manufacturing millions of pens; constantly we're all buying them. I must have bought six thousand Bics in my life. I've used up maybe two of them. Where are the rest of them? When you move the refrigerator there's a couple back there but it doesn't account for it. Where are all the pens? That's why it's so embarrassing if you don't have one. You got a pen? Can I borrow a pen? We always have to whisper because it's so humiliating. I don't have a pen. They're making millions of them every week! I know; where are they?
Scene 2
Stationery Store
17 lines
Stationer
May I help you?
Elaine
Yeah, uh, I'm looking for a Rollamech 1000 mechanical pencil.
Stationer
Oh, I know the Rollamech 1000.
Elaine
No, I'm sure you do.
Stationer
They're pretty expensive.
Elaine
Well, it's for my boss.
Stationer
What do you do?
Ex
Whatever.
Stationer
Well, we don't have any in stock right now but I would be happy to order it for you. Just give me your phone number and when it comes in I'll give you a call. You're name is?
Elaine
Elaine.
Stationer
Elaine, . . . and your last name?
Elaine
It's just Elaine, like Cher. Ha ha ha
Stationer
And your number?
Elaine
Uh, aw, KL5-239O.
Stationer
Okay. Thanks a lot. You'll be hearing from me.
Elaine
Okay, (to Jerry) Move along. . .
Jerry
Why did you give him MY number?
Scene 3
On the Street
32 lines
Elaine
I think he's got ideas.
Jerry
I wonder if any woman ever said that about Einstein?
Jerry
Call me when the pencil comes in Okay?
(On the street)
Elaine
Just call me when the new pen comes in, okay?
Jerry
Why does Mr. Pitt prefer a pencil to a pen anyway? Hey. Look who's here.
George
Hey, hey.
Elaine
Hey hey
Julie
Hi Jerry.
Jerry
Hi Julie.
George
Elaine, Julie.
Elaine
Hi.
Julie
Hi.
Julie
Oh, hi. Elaine's my middle name.
Elaine
Oh, mine's "Ike".
George
Hey, wanna get some lunch?
Jerry
Just had a big bowl of Kix.
George
Ah, well, that's very mature. What about you?
Elaine
Ah, no.
Julie
Please come, Elaine.
Elaine
No, no. How about if you bring me back something?
George
Sure, all right, what do you want?
Elaine
Um, hum, I don't know.. . . A big salad?
George
What big salad? I'm going to the coffee shop.
Elaine
They have big salads.
George
I've never seen a big salad.
Elaine
They have a big salad.
George
Is that what I ask for? The BIG salad?
Elaine
It's okay, you don't…
George
No, no, Hey I'll get it. What's in the BIG salad?
Jerry
Big lettuce, big carrots, tomatoes like volleyballs.
George
(???), we'll see you in a little while.
Scene 4
Jerry's Apartment
28 lines
Elaine
Maybe I should just get married.
Jerry
Dating is really starting to get embarrassing isn't it?
Elaine
I know. You know, whenever I'm on a date I feel people can tell.
Jerry
People on dates shouldn't even be allowed out in public.
Elaine
You can say that again.
Jerry
It's embarrassing for them. It's painful for us to watch. I'm going out with someone later, I'm not even taking her out of the house.
Elaine
Good for you.
Jerry
I don't need a bunch of people staring at us.
Elaine
Right on baby. (???)
(Noise from hall)
Jerry
What was that?
(Kramer enters with his golf clubs)
Kramer
That Gendason, what a jerk. I'm never playing golf with him again.
Elaine
Who Gendason?
Kramer
Steve Gendason.
Elaine
Why is that name familiar?
Hx
He used to be a baseball player.
Elaine
Oh, how did you end up playing golf with him?
Kramer
Well, I met him on the course a couple of years ago. Yeah. Played with him a lot. But today was it! We're on the fifteenth hole, ya, he's beating me by a couple of strokes. Then, he's about to hit his second shot, when, he picks up the ball and CLEANS it.
Elaine
So what?
Kramer
Umph, sorry! But the rules clearly state that you cannot clean the ball unless it's on the green. The rules are very clear about that.
Jerry
Certainly are.
Kramer
Ya, so I penalized him a stroke.
Jx; Ah, so what happened?
Kramer
He LOST IT! We almost came to blows. We were face to face like a manager and an umpire like this . . kara a pukka ba ya ka ba . . .
Jerry
All right. You're in MY face.
Elaine
I still don't see what the big deal is.
Kramer
A rule is a rule. And let's face it. Without rules there's chaos.
Scene 5
At Monks.
12 lines
Julie
I like Anna Quindlen's column and Safire. Don't you like Safire?
George
Oh, Safire. Uh ha
Julie
Although at times can be rather pedantic.
George
He can be pedantic. He can be pedantic.
Julie
And Bob Herbert's great. He's the Daily News.
George
Yes. Yes. You know what's interesting. The quarterback for the Atlanta Falcons is Bobby Hebert. No "r" which I find fascinating. You know it's Herbert h-e-r-b-e-r-t, Hebert h-e-b-e-r-t. "Hebert" it's a fun name to pronounce. Try and say it Hebert. Take a shot. All right. (check arrives) All right. I
got it.
Julie
No, no. I'd like to take you out.
George
No, Julie, Julie, don't insult me. You know, what difference does it make who pays for lunch. It's totally meaningless.
Julie
Okay, thanks, George.
Wx
Here's your big salad to go.
Julie
Oh, thank you.
Scene 6
Jerry's Apartment
43 lines
Jerry
(on phone) Hello. No she's not here. Okay, fine, whatever. I'll tell her. Okay. Goodbye. The stationery store guy called to say he ORDERED your pencil.
Elaine
I told ya'. He has ideas.
Jerry
He doesn't even care if a man answers.
Elaine
Or you.
(George and Julie enter)
George
Hey, hey.
Elaine
Hey.
Julie
Sorry e're late.
Elaine
No problem.
Julie
Here's your big salad.
Elaine
Thank you, Julie.
Julie
Oh, you're very welcome. So, I guess I better get going. Gotta meet mother a t the Guggenheim. Sure you don't want to go?
George
No, you go Guggenheim. I'm not much of a Guggenheim.
Julie
Sure, George.
George
Ya, you go.
Julie
Okay, I'll see you later. Goodbye.
Jerry
Bye bye
(Julie exits)
George
Did you see what just happened?
Jerry
Well, that all depends. . .
George
Did you happen to notice that Julie handed the big salad to Elaine?
Jerry
Yeah, so?
George
Well, she didn't BUY the big salad. I bought the big salad.
Jerry
Is that a fact?
George
Yes it is. She just took credit for my salad. That's not right.
Jerry
No it isn't.
George
I mean I'm the one who bought it.
Jerry
Yes you did.
George
You think she should have said something?
Jerry
She could have.
George
Oh, I know.
Jerry
Imagine, her taking credit for your big salad.
George
You know you buy a big salad for somebody it would be nice if they knew it.
Jerry
Obviously.
(Kramer rushes in)
Kramer
Turn on the TV.
Jerry
What?
Kramer
I'm puttin it on…
Tv
. . . the district attorney's office and the police department have not answered any questions as yet. To repeat in case you're just joining us. Former baseball start Steve Genderson, has been taken to Police headquarters for questioning the murder of Bobby Pinkus the owner of Royal Dry Cleaners at 2759 Amsterdam Avenue. According to Pinkus' wife, Gendeson had been involved in a dispute with the cleaner about a stain on a pair of gray Sans-A-Belt slacks. We also have a report that earlier in the day a groundskeeper at Vancourtland's Golf Course saw an irate Gendeson leaving the clubhouse in a huff. Whether there is a possible connection between the two is something we'll just have to wait.
Kramer
Jerry . . .
Jerry
Well, it has nothing to do with you.
Kramer
Yeah, but maybe he was so mad from the penalty stroke that he murdered the dry cleaner.
Jerry
Well, generally speaking you don't need any extra incentive to murder a dry cleaner. I wouldn't worry about that.
Scene 7
In a Cab.
14 lines
Elaine
I like Julie. She's very personable.
George
Yeah, she's very lovely.
Elaine
That's great George.
George
So did you enjoy your lunch?
Elaine
Yeah, A big salad. Very good. Actually it was too big. Ha ha ha Wht?
George
oh, . . .because she handed you the bag. I could have handed you the bag. She happened to pick it up at the restaurant even though, . . .
Elaine
Even though what?
George
. . . naw, it's just you thanked HER, and and oh, . . . what's the difference?
Elaine
What? What are you trying to say, George?
George
It's just that I was the one who actually paid for the big salad. She just happened to hand it to you. But it's no big deal.
Elaine
You want the money for the big salad, George?
George
No, no,
Elaine
What is the problem?
George
There is no problem. . . just a small miscommunication. Whereby you thanked her instead of the person actually responsible for purchasing the big salad.
Scene 8
Jerry's Apartment
38 lines
Jerry
And Kramer thinks a penalty stroke may have driven him to it.
Margaret
Well, they haven't even arrested him yet. Come on, let's go out.
Jerry
Ah, no , I don't think so.
Margaret
Why not?
Jerry
We don't need a bunch of people staring at us.
Margaret
Who is staring?
Jerry
Oh, they're staring. They know we're on a date. They're making fun. Come on. It's embarrassing.
(Phone rings)
Jerry
Hello. No she's not here. Yes I will tell her. No I don't know what time she might be coming back. Look I gotta' go. Goodbye. . . . That, that's a long story.
(Newman enters)
Jerry
Hello Newman.
Margaret
Hello Jerry, I was wondering if you knew where Kramer was.
Jerry
No, no I don't. Why?
Margaret
You know, Genderson. This is something big.
Jerry
I suppose.
Margaret
What did Kramer say?
Jerry
I don't know. Nothing.?
Margaret
Come on Jerry. You know something TELL ME! TELL ME!, Oh, chocolates . . . Margaret?
Margaret
Hello.
Jerry
You two know each other?
Newman
You might say that.
Margaret
We used to go out.
Newman
Well, tootle loo. And nice seeing you again Margaret, goodbye Jerry. Have fun. Hehe
Jerry
. . . YOU went out with . . . Newman?
Margaret
Just a few times.
Jerry
Why?
Margaret
I liked him.
Jerry
You liked, Newman?
Margaret
Look I'm a little uncomfortable talking about this okay?
Jerry
No, I'm sorry. I'm just a little curious. I mean why did you stop seeing him.
Margaret
He ended it.
Jerry
. . . HE ended it?
Margaret
YES!! Yes! It was a couple of years ago. Why does it matter?
Jerry
No, no of course not.
(Kramer enters)
Kramer
Jerry, Jerry they found a tee.
Jerry
What tee?
Kramer
A golf tee. In the dry cleaner.
Scene 9
At Monks.
25 lines
Jerry
Newman! She went out with Newman!
Elaine
It must be a mistake.
Jerry
No. It isn't and the most distressing part of it is, not that she went out with him but that HE stopped seeing her. Do you understand? He, Newman; Newman stopped seeing her. Newman never stopped seeing anybody. Newman will see whoever is willing to see him. Not so much why she did see him as disturbing as that is. But why, did HE, Newman, stop seeing her?
Elaine
Perhaps there's more to him than meets the eye.
Jerry
No, there's less.
Elaine
It's possible.
Jerry
No it isn't. I've looked into his eyes. He's pure evil.
Elaine
He's an enigma, a mystery wrapped in a riddle.
Jerry
Yeah, he's a mystery wrapped in a Twinkie.
Wx
Would you like some more coffee?
Jerry
No,, but thank you.
Jerry
Oh, by the way, your stationery store guy called and he's got your pencil.
Elaine
Ugh! You are kidding me.
Jerry
No, he left the store early, made a special trip to the distributor and got it.
Elaine
I bought mine yesterday on 14th Street.
Jerry
Well, what did you do that for? You ordered it.
Elaine
To please Mr. Pitt.
Jerry
Well, you better go down there and tell this guy. He's very excited.
Elaine
Uh, great!
Jerry
Hi Julie.
Jerry
Hi.
Elaine
Hi Julie.
Jerry
Hi, how are you, Elaine? I'm meeting George here.
Elaine
Oh, well then I better get going otherwise George will make me buy him lunch to make up for that big salad he bought me yesterday.
Jerry
How do you know THAT?
Scene 10
Newmans's Apartment
22 lines
(Knock knock)
Newman
Who is it?
Jerry
It's Jerry.
Newman
You've come at a bad time now. Could you come back later?
Jerry
Come on Newman. OPEN THE DOOR!
Newman
Hellooo Jerry. What a rare treat. What brings you down to the east wing?
Jerry
Okay, pudgy, lets stop playing games. What happened with margaret?
Newman
There's no need to get excited. Can't we discuss this like gentlemen?
Jerry
No, we can't. My skin is crawling just being inside your little rat's nest. Now, what happened?
Newman
Do you really want to know what happened? I'll tell you what Happened. She wasn't my type.
Jerry
Noit your type?
Newman
Not really.
Jerry
Well, how come?
Newman
Ah, she just didn't do it for me.
Jerry
What, what is wrong with her?
Newman
Well, h ha ha- if you're happy with her, that's all that matters.
Jerry
You don't think she's attractive?
Newman
No. I need a really pretty face. But, Hey, that's me.
Jerry
Okay, Newman, thanks a lot.
Newman
Care for some lemonade?
Jerry
No, thank you.
Newman
Drop bye anytime, Jerry. Hah, ha ha
Scene 11
Jerry's Apartment
20 lines
Kramer
Listen to this, "If a player cleans his ball during the play of a hole accept on the putting green he shall incur a penalty of one stroke. " That's a rule, Jerry.
Jerry
But it's just a friendly game. Why do you have to be such a stickler?
Kramer
Because that's the way I weas raised. You know when I was growing up I had to be in bed every night by nine o'clock. And if I wasn't, well I don't have to tell you what happened.
Jerry
What are you so worried about this for?
Kramer
You know he talked about Pinkus on the course?
Jerry
He did?
Kramer
Oh yeah, he said he brought a pair of pants into Pinkus' and they came back stained with some kind of dry cleaning fluid. And Pinkus denied responsibility. You see he was very upset with Pinkus.
Jerry
So it had nothing to do with you.
Kramer
Yeah, but maybe I pushed him over the edge.
Jerry
No, I don't think so.
Kramer
Poor Pinkus, poor little Pinkus.
Jerry
Hey, let me ask you a question. You met margaret. Doo you think Margaret's good looking? Um, she's a natural beauty. Oh, no makeup. I like that.
Jerry
Yeah, and the curls. You like the curls?
Kramer
Oh, I love curls.
Jerry
Yeah,, me too.
Kramer
All right, I'll see you later.
Jerry
Where you going?
Kramer
Genderson's.
Jerry
You're going to see Genderson?
Kramer
It's weighing on my conscience.
Scene 12
At Monks
15 lines
George
You know, I think I could have played with dolls if their were dolls in the house. It seems like fun to me. It doesn't seem like a gender thing. I think I would like to play with dolls. What's so terrible?
Julie
Ha. So, George, I was talking to Elaine before.
George
A ha! We're just friends.
Julie
Yes, well anyway, she said something that was kind of intriguing.
George
Oh, share.
Julie
Well, when I came over to the table she mentioned something about how she better hurry up and leave or you'd make her buy lunch to make up for the one you bought yesterday.
George
Ha, ha ha uh, I'm not following that.
Julie
Well, my question is, How could Elaine be under the impression that you bought the big salad, when I was the one who handed it to her?
George
Well, she probably just assumed.
Julie
Um, did she?
George
. . .uh, . . . wait a second. Are you suggesting that I went out of my way to tell Elaine that even though you handed her the big salad, that it came from me?
Julie
That's what I'm suggesting.
George
. . . WELL IT WAS A BIG SALAD. AND WHAT I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW IS, HOW DOES A PERSON WHO HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE BIG SALAD CLAIM RESPONSIBILITY FOR THAT SALAD AND ACCEPT THE THANK YOU UNDER FALSE PRETENSES - AH - AH?
Julie
George, all I did was hand someone a bag.
(Julie leaves)
Scene 13
Stationary Store
9 lines
Elaine
It's just that my boss is very demanding and he needed the pencil right away.
Stationer
Well,, why did you tell me to order it if you knew you were going to get one someplace else?
Elaine
No, no no I didn't know. I, I'm sorry.
Stationer
I went all the way down to the warehouse. It took me three hours. I had a big fight with the foreman.
Elaine
Really? A fight with the foreman?
Stationer
Yes.
Elaine
Well, again, I'm just awfully sorry.
Stationer
Yeah? Well, then how about going out with me tonight?
Elaine
Okay.
Scene 14
In Margaret's Car
12 lines
Margaret
I mean they found a tee and he played golf that day. Nobody walks into a dry cleaner's with a tee. The circumstantial evidence is overwhelming.
Jerry
You had how many dates with him? Three?
Margaret
Around three. I don't know.
Jerry
And . .
Margaret
I told you. He stopped calling me. I moved on. I'm not hung up on him. What are you looking at?
Jerry
What? I'm not looking. Nothing.
Jerry
Why are you looking at my face?
Jerry
Where am I going to look?
Margaret
Kiss me.
Jerry
. . . I can't.
(Throws Jerry out onto sidewalk and drives off)
Jerry
Newman!
Scene 15
Jerry's Apartment
20 lines
Jerry
All I could think of was when I was looking at her face was; Newman found this unacceptable.
Elaine
Well, ,I'm going out with the stationery store guy.
Jerry
You're going out with the stationery store guy?
Elaine
I felt so guilty about the pencil I couldn't say no.
(George enters, upset)
Elaine
Well, well, well, I'm not treating you to lunch ANYMORE! You had to tell Julie that I made a special point of telling you that I bought you the big salad. Didn't ya'.
Elaine
Uh, uh.
George
You know, if it was a regular salad I wouldn't have said anything. But you had to have the BIG SALAD.
(Phone rings)
Jerry
Hello, what? You're kidding. I'm turning it on. Oh, my god. Get out of here. (hangs up) Hey listen to this. They issued a warrant for Genderson's arrest. He escaped and the police spotted him on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Tv
As you can see white Bronco. The police have cleared the highway traffic in front of him but they are keeping their distance and don't want the situation to escalate. And we have gotten an identification on the driver of the vehicle. His name is; Kramer, one of Genderson's golfing buddies.
Police
9-1-1 What are you reporting
Kramer
Yeah, this is Kramer. I got Genderson in the car. He wants to see his fish. I'm taking him to see his fish. So tell the police to back off.
Police
Okay, sir, and what's your name?
Kramer
My name is Kramer. You know who I am dammit!
Genderson
I told you not to take the turnpike.
Kramer
I thought we would blend in.
Genderson
If we took the palisades this never have happened.
Kramer
we would have had all that bridge traffic.
Genderson
Ah, just drive.
Scene 16
Closing Monologue
1 lines
Jail doesn't really seem like that great of revenge. Wouldn't years of subtle psychological mind games be a lot more satisfying? Constantly calling him, hanging up when he answers the phone. Sending pizzas and taxis to their house all night long. After a while he would go, "I wish that guy would kill me already, I can't take it anymore." And how come when the police catch some really bad criminal or something they put him in the handcuffs, they hit him with the baton, they put the choke hold on him, then they're always careful they don't want him to hurt his head when they're putting him in the back of the patrol car. "Watch your head, watch your head. Don't hit that metal edge there. . . . That REALLY hurts"
