Full screenplay script transcript for Seinfeld S06E05: The Couch
13 Scenes347 Lines
Scene 1
Opening Scene
65 lines
The love seat, that's a nice little item, there...I guess some guy thought, 'Well, if we can't get them to sit closer to us, why not just shorten the furniture?' My other favorite furniture brand is the La-Z-Boy. This is very flattering to the prospective customer, isn't it? Why don't we just call it the 'half-conscious deadbeat with no job, home all day, eating Cheetos and watching TV' recliner? I mean, it goes back so far, that thing...I mean, it's like, 'Go to bed already! It's over! You're wiped!'
JERRY AND GEORGE IN A FURNITURE STORE. JERRY IS SHOPPING FOR A NEW COUCH.
Jerry
So, she got you to join a book club?
George
I got a feeling I'm gonna be much smarter than you pretty soon.
Jerry
Well, I think that statement alone reflects your burgeoning intelligence. (Sits on a couch.) Hey, what about this one?
George
Nah, I don't like that one.
Jerry
So, what's your first book?
George
"Breakfast At Tiffany's." 90 pages. (Waves a hand like it's nothing.)
Jerry
It's kinda old, isn't it?
George
They wanted to read a Truman Capote book.
Jerry (standing)
Oh, sure...Truman Capote.
George
He's a great writer.
Jerry
Oh, yeah.
George
Did you ever read anything by him?
Jerry
No. You?
George
Nah.
Jerry (sees A White Couch By The Wall)
Oh, what about this one? Look at this, this is it! This is what I'm looking for. (Sits on the couch.) Oh, yeah!
JERRY AND ELAINE IN JERRY'S APARTMENT. THE MOVING GUYS ARE DELIVERING JERRY'S NEW COUCH.
Elaine
Hey, what's going on?
Jerry
New couch, baby!
Elaine
New couch? Why?
Jerry
I love this couch. You know what the best part about it is? It doesn't fold out, so no one can sleep over.
(Elaine laughs. Carl and another furniture mover come in, and they pick up Jerry's old couch.)
Elaine (to Carl, Flirtatiously)
Hello.
Carl
Hello.
Elaine
Oh, let me get the door for you. (They carry the couch out the door.) Ooh, be careful!
Jerry
Wait till you see it, it's perfect. The guy told me it's one of a kind, they stopped making it.
Elaine
What are you doing with your old couch?
Jerry
Nothing, the moving guys are taking it. Why, you want it?
Elaine
Yeah, I'll take it.
Jerry
Well, I'm sure that they can deliver it to your apartment.
Elaine
Yes, they can. (Kramer enters.)
Kramer
Hey! Couch is comin.'
Jerry
It's here!
Kramer
Alright! Yeah. You know, I'm excited about this, Jerry. In a way, I feel like I'm getting a new couch.
Jerry (nonplussed)
Yeah. So do I.
Kramer
Ooh! Remember Poppie?
Jerry
Oh, you mean from Poppie's Restaurant?
Kramer
Yeah, yeah. Anyway, uh...we're going into business together. Remember that idea I had a few years ago about the pizza place where you make your own pizza?
Jerry
Yeah.
Elaine
What was that again?
Kramer
It's a pizza place where you make your own pie! We give you the dough, the sauce, the cheese...you pound it, slap it, you flip it up into the air...you put your toppings on and you slide it into the oven! Sounds good, huh?
Elaine (in A Southern Accent)
Ooh, I can't wait to get me a fella and make mah own pie!
Jerry
What made you resurrect that old idea?
Kramer
Well, I happened to be eating at Poppie's when I told him the "old" idea, and his eyes - waaaaaah! - just lit up. You know, he wants to back it.
Elaine
I heard Poppie's was good, let's go.
Jerry
I'm not goin' there. Didn't he get busted by the Board of Health?
Kramer
That was in the past, Jerry. As it happens, New York Magazine just judged his kitchen to be one of the cleanest in the city. They got a duck there, you think you died and went to heaven.
Elaine
Ooh! I love duck. C'mon, c'mon!
Kramer
Yeah, but you gotta order it two days in advance. (To Jerry) You know, I'm gonna call him, I'm gonna order the duck for you.
Jerry
Oh, Kramer, I -
(Kramer turns around and runs smack into Jerry's new couch being brought in by Carl and the other moving guy, and hits the floor. They place the couch in the same spot as the old one.)
Jerry
Right there, guys. That's perfect. Ah? Whatta ya think, Lainie?
Elaine
Well, I don't know. I'll have to sit on it.
Jerry
Oh no, I don't want anyone sitting on it.
Carl (hands Jerry An Invoice)
Sign here.
Elaine (to Carl)
Excuse me, I was wondering if would it be possible if you could deliver the old couch to my apartment? It's not very far.
Carl
Sure.
Elaine
'Kay. You, uh...you got room in the truck for me?
Carl
Yeah, I think we can squeeze you in.
Elaine
Oh, goody. Okay, well uh...(to Jerry and Kramer)...I'll see you chumps later. (Elaine and Carl exit.)
Kramer
Did you offer those guys a drink?
Jerry
Uh, no. Should I have?
Kramer
What kind of a person are you?
Jerry
I don't know.
Scene 2
George at Home, Preparing to Read "breakfast at Tiffany's."
1 lines
George
Okay. "Breakfast At Tiffany's." (Begins to read, but gradually his attention is drawn to the TV Guide on the end table. George realizes there's a show on he wants to see by looking at his watch, and doesn't start the book.)
Scene 3
Jerry and Elaine at Poppie's Restaurant.
24 lines
Elaine
So, he puts the couch down, and just as he's about to leave he says, "Do you date moving men?"
Jerry
Ah ha...
Elaine
You wanna know what I said?
Jerry
I can't wait.
Elaine
"I do now."
Jerry
Clever.
Elaine
Is that something?
Jerry
Yes.
Elaine
Is that something?
Jerry
You're something. So anyway, when they were in my house before, I didn't offer them anything to drink.
Elaine
Well, they're real men, Jerry. They get sweaty.
Jerry
So, anyone sweaty comes into your house has to be offered a drink?
Elaine
Yes.
Jerry
Well, would you apologize for me? (Elaine nods. Poppie comes out of the kitchen.)
Poppie
Hello! Jerry, so good to see you again! (Puts his hand out.)
Jerry (clearly Creeped Out By Having To Shake Poppie's Hand)
Hello, Poppie. This is Elaine.
Elaine
Nice to meet you, Poppie.
Poppie
Let me show you to your table. (Leads Jerry and Elaine to the table.) Your duck is cooking as we speak. It is so succulent...so succulent!
Jerry
Well, Kramer told us all about your business venture together.
Poppie
Your friend and I are going to make a lot of money. Of course, I already have a lot of money. Poppie does very well...very well.
Elaine
Well, your mother must be very proud of you.
Poppie
My mother...was taken from my house by the Communists in the middle of the night when I was ten years old. She was sent to a slave labor camp, where she labored for twelve years. Finally, they released her and she was on a boat to America to re-unite with us...but she was served some bad fish, and she died...on the high seas.
Jerry
So, what's good tonight?
GEORGE AT HOME. HIS TELEVISION PROGRAM FINISHES, AND HE TURNS OFF THE TV. HE STRETCHES, THEN GOES BACK TO READING - NOT "BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY'S" HOWEVER, BUT AN ISSUE OF CRACKED MAGAZINE.
Scene 4
Jerry and Elaine at Poppie's.
29 lines
Elaine
Boy, I'm really looking forward to this duck. I've never had food ordered in advance before.
Jerry
Ah, I could've stayed home and ordered a pizza from Paccino's.
Elaine
Paccino's? Oh no. You should never order pizza from Paccino's.
Jerry
Why not?
Elaine
Because, the owner contributes a lot of money to those fanatical, anti-abortion groups.
Jerry
So, you won't eat the pizza?
Elaine
No way.
Jerry
Really.
Elaine
Yeah.
Jerry
Well, what if Poppie felt the same way?
Elaine
Well, I guess I wouldn't eat here, then.
Jerry
Really!
Elaine
Yeah. That's right.
Jerry
Well, perhaps we should inquire. Poppie! Oh, Poppie. Could I have a word? (Poppie comes over.)
Poppie
Yes, Jerry. I just checked your duck...it is more succulent than even I had hoped.
Jerry
Poppie, I was just curious...where do you stand on the abortion issue?
Poppie
When my mother was abducted by the Communists, she was with child...
Jerry
Oh, boy.
Poppie
...but the Communists, they put an end to that! So, on this issue there is no debate! And no intelligent person can think differently.
Elaine (offended)
Well...Poppie. I think differently.
Poppie
And what gives you the right to do that?
Elaine (standing Up)
The Supreme Court gives me the right to do that! Let's go Jerry, c'mon.
Woman At Next Table (to Her Date)
I heard that. Let's go, Henry.
Henry
But we just got here...
Woman At Another Table
I'm with you, Poppie!
Woman At Yet Another Table (to Her Date)
Let's go!
Elaine (to Poppie)
And I am not coming back!
Poppie
You're not welcome!
Jerry
Well, I'm certainly glad I brought it up. (Gets up and leaves.)
Scene 5
Jerry and George in a Booth at the Coffee Shop.
27 lines
Jerry
Well, you should have seen it. It was quite a scene over there.
George
I'm sorry I missed it.
Jerry
Oh, you really missed something. And I have to say...it was pretty much all my fault. (Jerry smiles. George laughs.) So, how's the book coming? (George's laughs taper off...) I say, how's the book comin'?
George
Oh...pretty good.
Jerry
So, what's it about?
George
Well, it's about Holly Go-Lightly.
Jerry
Holly Go-Lightly.
George
Yeah, she's quite a character.
Jerry
Yes, you haven't read a page, have you?
George
No.
Jerry
Big surprise.
George
I couldn't. You know, if it's not about sports, I find it very hard to concentrate.
Jerry
You're not very bright, are you?
George
No, I'm not. I would like to be, but I'm not. What am I gonna do? The book club meets in a few days.
Jerry
Why don't you rent the movie?
George
'Why don't I rent the movie.' See, this is when I like you. Alright, now I'm relieved. (Kramer enters and comes over to the booth.)
Kramer (scanning A Menu)
So...how was the dinner last night?
Jerry
Oh...well...
Kramer
Did you enjoy the duck? (Elaine comes back from the bathroom.) Oh, Elaine! I was just asking how dinner went last night.
Elaine (sitting Down)
Oh...well...
Kramer
Alright, what did you do to Poppie?
Elaine
Nothing.
Kramer
Well, he's in the hospital. And the cook says you put him there.
Elaine
What's wrong with him?
Kramer
I don't know! I'm gonna go and visit him later. (angrily) It would be nice if you got him something. (Punches the the table to accentuate this, and leaves.)
Jerry
We should get him something.
Elaine
Yeah. You're right.
Scene 6
Elaine and Carl Sitting in Carl's Moving Van After a Date.
15 lines
Elaine
Do you know that I have been using the same bottle of shampoo for a year? And I shampoo every day. (Carl smiles.) So, what do you think of my conversation?
Carl
Not much! (They both laugh.) I, uh, would have invited you up, but I don't have any furniture.
Elaine
You don't have any furniture?
Carl
No, I hate furniture. I can't look at it. (They laugh again.)
Elaine
Well, I can understand that. Pretty good date, huh?
Carl
Yeah! No heavy lifting. (Elaine and Carl look into each others eyes, then kiss.)
KRAMER VISITING POPPIE AT THE HOSPITAL. THERE SITTING ON A BENCH OUTSIDE.
Kramer
Anyway, Jerry and Elaine felt very badly about what happened to you, and they wanted you to have this.
Poppie (opening The Gift Basket)
What's this? A bottle of wine and a five-alarm chili? They're trying to kill Poppie?!
Kramer
Why, what...?
Poppie
Don't they know I have a gastro-intestinal disorder? If I would have any of this, I would die. Then Poppie's no good to anyone! This is a sick, sick joke on Poppie. How could you be friends with those two?
Kramer
Well, we're not very close.
Poppie
They owe me for those ducks. They were flown in from Newfoundland.
Kramer
Oh, they got good ducks there, huh?
Poppie
Oh, very good ducks.
Scene 7
Elaine Shows Up at Jerry's Apartment. Jerry Opens the Door.
14 lines
Elaine
I'm in looove!
Jerry
Whoa!
Elaine
This is it, Jerry! This is it! He is such an incredible person! He's real, he's honest, he's unpretentious...oh, I'm really lucky!
Jerry
Did you tell him I was sorry I didn't offer him the drink?
Elaine
No, I forgot. And, the best part is, he doesn't play games. You know? There are no games! (Sits down on the couch.)
Jerry
No games? What is the point of dating without games? How do you know if you're winning or losing?
Elaine (putting On Lipstick)
Well, all I know is, he doesn't like games and he doesn't play games, you know? He has too much character and integrity.
Jerry
Ah ha. And what is his stand on abortion?
Elaine (looks At Jerry And Smears Lipstick Across Her Face)
What?
Jerry
What is his stand...on abortion?
Elaine
Well, I'm sure he's pro-choice.
Jerry
How do you know?
Elaine
Because he, well...he's just so good-looking.
Jerry
Well, you should probably ask, because if he's gonna be coming over with those Paccino's pizzas...could be trouble.
Scene 8
George at a Video Store Counter.
14 lines
George
I'd like to rent Breakfast At Tiffany's.
Clerk (checking The Computer)
Uh, this is out. Someone has it.
George
Out? Oh no, I've been to four other places, you're the only ones that have had it.
Clerk
Well, I could put it on reserve for you, if you'd like.
George
Maybe we could call them and ask them to return it.
Clerk
Oh, sorry. We can't do that.
George
Well, maybe they're done with it. I could go pick it up.
Clerk
I don't think so. It doesn't work that way.
(The clerk goes to help another customer, and leaves George unattended. George waits until the clerk's back is turned, then has a good look at the information on his computer monitor.)
GEORGE AT THE ADDRESS OF THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE RENTED BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY'S. HE'S BUZZED THEIR APARTMENT ON THE INTERCOM.
Voice On Intercom
Yes?
George
Uh, excuse me, are you Joe Temple?
Intercom
Yes.
George
Uh, yes, uh...you don't know me, my name is George Costanza...did you happen to rent Breakfast At Tiffany's?
Scene 9
Jerry Laying on His New Couch. Kramer Enters.
32 lines
Kramer
Hey.
Jerry
Hey, what's happenin.'
Kramer
Well, you know, Poppie's over at my place. Tonight's the big night. I'm gonna make the first test pizza at the restaurant.
Jerry
You got a regular 'Manhattan Project' going on over there.
Kramer
Yeah. Anyway, he's about to leave, he wants the duck money. (Poppie enters.)
Jerry
Okay. Hi, Poppie.
Poppie
Hello.
Jerry
I'm sorry about the gift, I didn't know about your condition.
Poppie
That's fine. If you just give me my duck money, I'll be on my way.
Jerry
Okay. I'll get it. (Goes into the bedroom.)
Kramer
Why don't you sit down, Poppie? You're still recuperating. (Poppie moves to the sofa and sits down, and exhales a loud sigh of relief.) What, are you tired, Poppie?
Poppie
No.
Kramer
Hey, Poppie...you really think people wanna make their own pizza?
Poppie
Kramer, did I ever tell you about my mother? My mother -
Jerry (comes Out Of The Bedroom With Poppie's Money)
Here you go. (Poppie stands up and takes the money.) Anyway, I'm sorry again about the...(notices a large, wet stain on his couch)...the...the...
Poppie
The what? (Looks at Kramer, and exits.)
Jerry
...the...the...
Kramer (to Poppie)
So long. I'll see you tonight.
Jerry (frantic)
Kramer, Kramer, what is this?!
Kramer
What is what?
Jerry
This puddle on my sofa!
Kramer
What puddle?
Jerry (points)
That puddle! (Kramer sees the puddle and does a double-take.)
Kramer
I don't know.
Jerry (looking At The Puddle With Kramer)
Is it...? Could it...? Could he have...? IT IS! (Grabs Kramer.) Poppie peed on my sofa!!
Kramer
Are you sure?
Jerry
Well, what is it then?! My new sofa! Poppie peed on my new sofa!
Kramer
I'm sure it'll come out.
Jerry
I don't care if it comes out, I can't sit on that anymore!
Kramer
Ah, you're making too much of it.
Jerry (sarcastic)
Yeah, you're right. It's just a natural human function...happens to be on my sofa, instead of in the toilet, where it would normally be.
Kramer
Right!
Scene 10
George at Joe Temple's Door.
6 lines
George
Well, anyway, the book club meets tomorrow, Mr. Temple.
Joe
Well, I was going to watch it with my daughter. She likes Audrey Hepburn very much.
George
She was a delicate flower.
Joe
Why didn't you just read the book?
George
Well, as I say, the pink-eye made my vision...quite blurry... (Joe's daughter comes to the door.)
Joe
Remy, this is George. Would you mind if he watched Breakfast At Tiffany's with us? (George smiles at Remy. Remy looks at Joe doubtfully.)
Scene 11
Elaine Climbs Into the Cab of Carl's Moving Van.
46 lines
Carl
Hi.
Elaine
Hi. (They kiss.)
Carl
I missed you.
Elaine
Oh, I missed you!
Carl
I don't remember the last time I felt this way.
Elaine
Me, either!
Carl
I think about you all the time.
Elaine
You do?
Carl
Do you think about me?
Elaine
Oh yeah, all the time, all the time...although, recently I've been thinking about this friend of mine.
Carl
What friend?
Elaine
Oh, just this woman...she got impregnated by her troglodytic half-brother, and decided to have an abortion. (Waits in suspense for what Carl's response will be.)
Carl
You know, someday...we're going to get enough people in the Supreme Court to change that law.
(Elaine breaks down in tears.)
GEORGE SITTING ON JOE'S COUCH, ABOUT TO WATCH BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY'S WITH JOE AND REMY.
George
So, anything to uh, nosh?
Joe
What did you want?
George
Popcorn?
Remy
Popcorn? Where do you think you are?
George
Well, a lot of people keep popcorn in the house.
Remy
Well, we don't.
George
You might want to try it...makes the movie more enjoyable, that's all.
Joe (passes George A Bowl)
Here's some nuts.
George
Oh! Nuts! Excellent! You know what I love? How there's two nuts named after people. Hazel...and filbert.
Remy (to Joe)
Can we watch the movie now, Daddy? (Joe presses play on the remote.)
George
Hey, let's turn off the lights, get some real 'movie atmosphere.'
Joe
The lights are fine. (George shrugs, and the movie begins.)
KRAMER AND POPPIE IN THE KITCHEN OF THE RESTAURANT, MAKING THE FIRST 'TEST PIZZA.'
Kramer (in A Chef's Hat And Apron)
See, anybody can do this. (Tosses pizza dough into the air.)
Poppie
Use your wrist! It's all in the wrist. (Kramer tosses the dough way up there.) Not too high!
Kramer (puts The Dough On The Counter)
Alright, put a little sauce on here... (speaks some unintelligible words in an Italian accent while spreading the sauce around.) Some cheese...
Poppie
Not too much!
Kramer
And...cucumbers! (Grabs a large handful and puts them on the pizza.)
Poppie
Wait a second...what is that?
Kramer
It's cucumbers.
Poppie
No, no. You can't put cucumbers on a pizza.
Kramer
Well, why not? I like cucumbers.
Poppie
That's not a pizza. It'll taste terrible.
Kramer
But that's the idea, you make your own pie.
Poppie
Yes, but we cannot give the people the right to choose any topping they want! Now on this issue there can be no debate!
Kramer
What gives you the right to tell me how I would make my pie?
Poppie
Because it's a pizza!
Kramer
It's not a pizza until it comes out of the oven!
Poppie
It's a pizza the moment you put your fists in the dough!
Kramer
No, it isn't!
Poppie
Yes, it is!
Scene 12
George, Joe and Remy Watching the Movie. Joe's Wife Enters.
58 lines
Joe's Wife
I'm home.
Joe
Hey, honey.
Remy
Hi, Mom.
Joe's Wife
Hi, baby. (To George.) Hello. Breakfast At Tiffany's?
Joe
Yeah.
Joe's Wife
Well, I just came back from Angela's, it's not looking very good for Duncan.
Joe
Aw, that's too bad.
Joe's Wife
Yeah, the doctor thinks it's just a matter of time -
George (clears His Throat, Annoyed That The Movie's Being Interrupted)
Joe...could you...
Joe's Wife
Poor guy, I hate to see him suffer like this...
George
You know, I'm sorry, I...I hate to be one of those people, but we're right in the middle of this thing...I can't hear.
Joe's Wife
Who are you?
Joe
This is George Costanza.
George (irritated)
This is very hard to follow with all the talking.
Joe
I'll pause it, okay? (Pauses the tape with the remote.)
George
Any more grape juice? (Gets up and goes to the kitchen. Remy moves to the end of the couch where George was sitting.)
Joe's Wife
Who is this guy?
Remy
He's in some book club.
Joe's Wife
And what's he doing here?
Remy
Cheating on his test. (George returns from the kitchen with a glass of grape juice.)
George
So, we watching the movie, or are we still talking? (Joe's wife shakes her head and goes into the other room. George gestures to Remy to move.) Okay, c'mon. Let's go.
Remy
What?
George
C'mon, you took my seat.
Remy
It's not your seat.
George
I was sitting there, c'mon.
Remy
You didn't save it.
George
I had the arm! Joe...
Joe
What's the difference?
George
Well, I was very comfortable! I've got my nuts here...
Remy
It's my couch.
George
Alright, c'mon, scooch over. (Tries to squeeze into the corner seat of the couch and struggles with Remy. He spills his glass of grape juice all over the couch in the process.)
Remy
Look! Look what you did! You got grape juice all over our couch, you've ruined our couch! (Joe slowly walks toward George with his hands on his hips.)
George
Joe...
JERRY AND ELAINE IN JERRY'S APARTMENT THE NEXT DAY, LOOKING AT THE "POPPIE-STAIN" ON JERRY'S SOFA.
Elaine
Oh my god.
Jerry
You see?!
Elaine
So, you're gonna get a new couch?
Jerry
Well, I guess I have no choice.
Elaine
Do you want your old couch back?
Jerry
I was hoping you'd offer. (The intercom buzzes, Jerry answers it.) Yeah?
Intercom
It's the movers.
Jerry
'Kay. (Buzzes them in.)
Elaine
Who's that?
Jerry
Your boyfriend, he's taking it out.
Elaine
No, no, he's not my boyfriend.
Jerry
Why?
Elaine
Take a guess.
Jerry
Oh, really. (Carl and another moving guy come in and pick up the couch.)
Elaine
Hi.
Carl
Hi.
Jerry
Hey Carl, I also need you to go to Elaine's and bring my old couch back.
Carl
Today?
Jerry
Could you?
Carl
Sure.
Elaine (to Jerry)
What are you doing with this couch?
Jerry
George is taking it.
Elaine
Did you tell him it was peed on?
Jerry
He said he doesn't care, he'll just turn the cushion over.
Scene 13
Elaine and Carl in Elaine's Kitchen.
16 lines
Carl
I'm sorry you feel that way, Elaine.
Elaine
Yeah, me too.
Carl
It's just too bad.
Elaine
Yeah. It is.
Carl
Well, I better get this couch back to Jerry's.
Elaine
Can I offer you anything to drink?
Carl (off-camera)
Yeah, sure.
Elaine (looking In The Fridge)
All I've got is grape juice.
Carl
Throw it!
(Elaine heaves the grape juice bottle over-hand at Carl, and we hear the sound of breaking glass.)
Carl
The couch!
GEORGE SITTING IN WITH THE BOOK CLUB AROUND A BACK BOOTH AT MONK'S.
Marie (describing Holly Go-lightly In "breakfast At Tiffany's")
She didn't want the constraints of any relationship, that's why she got rid of the cat. The most important thing in Holly's life was her independence.
George
Well, not really. After all, she did get together with George Peppard. I mean, Fred.
