The Doorman

You remember a few years ago in New York, we had the doorman strike? They have a union, in the fancy buildings, and they went out on strike. Now you would think, if any group of people would not wanna demonstrate what life would be like without them, it would be doormen. (as belligerent doorman) "Let's see how they do without us!" There's no doorman, people open the door, they walk in, it's... you know. Who's gonna walk out next? The guys who clean your windshield at the traffic light, with the dirty rag? (as window washer) "We demand shorter yellows, and longer reds!"

(Jerry comes in from the street and walks toward the elevators. A doorman, stood reading a newspaper on a counter, objects. There's an undertone to the doorman's voice - unfriendly, contemptuous, even an edge of menace.)

(The doorman wanders back to his newspaper. Jerry shrugs and pushes the button for one of the elevators. There's a pause as he waits for it to arrive. The doorman stands holding his paper, staring at Jerry, with the unfriendly smile on his face. Jerry throws a smile of his own back. The elevator is still not moving. Jerry tries to break the uncomfortable silence.)

(Jerry turns away and looks at the indicator, hoping that the elevator will come and rescue him.)

(George and Kramer walk along together.)

(Kramer has noticed a 'Sightseeing Tour' bus on the street, with a German flag painted on the door. It gives him an idea. Kramer steps in front of George and brings them to a halt.)

(Kramer pushes his hand deep into a pocket and raises his arm, giving the impression that he has a gun concealed beneath his coat.)

(On the tourist bus, the occupants attention is attracted. They look out the window at the 'mugging'. George has his hands up, and Kramer is feeling through George's pockets with his free hand.)

(The tourist are looking out of the bus. Shocked, they knock on the glass. Kramer grabs George by the collar of his jacket and is shaking him violently.)

Kramer walks away. The tourists stare, horrified at what they've witnessed.

(Elaine admits Jerry to the apartment.)

(Elaine collects her bag, in readiness to leave.)

(Jerry and Elaine sit on the couch to wait. They simultaneously look at their watches.)

(George and Kramer wear their jackets, ready to leave. Frank is in a shirt, mixing a bowl (of kasha?) as they talk.)

(George and Kramer stand together, by George's computer. Frank unfastens his shirt and opens it. Kramer and George turn and see Frank's torso exposed as the shirt comes off. Kramer's eyebrows go up in surprise. George looks horrified, and puts his hand to his mouth like he's going to vomit.)

(Elaine still sits on the couch. Jerry is standing at the window, holding the curtain open and looking down at the street.)

(The phone on Mr. Pitt's desk rings. Jerry is nearer, so he moves to answer it.)

(Elaine looks exasperated.)

(Mr. Pitt sits in a comfortable chair in Scotland.)

(Jerry is peering out of the window again.)

(Jerry picks up a paper sack of empty bottles from the floor by the desk.)

(Jerry gives an irritated glance upwards and goes to leave.)

(Jerry emerges from the elevator (without the bottles). There is a new doorman on duty, who gives Jerry a friendly nod and smile and holds the door open for him. Jerry nods and smiles back, and leaves.)

(Elaine is kneeling with the phone. She has Mr. Pitt's mail spread out on the floor in front of her and is going through it for Mr. Pitt's benefit.)

(Jerry walks down the street. He passes a doorway, where stands a familiar figure. The doorman still has the attitude problem.)

(Jerry walks away.)

(George and Kramer sit one side of a booth, facing Jerry. George is wearing a purple shirt. Kramer's eating a sandwich heartily. George looks as if he might never want to eat again.)

(George nods, Jerry has a confused expression. Kramer keeps on eating. Jerry thinks for a moment, George can't even look anyone in the eye.)

(Jerry pulls a face at the thought.)

(George snaps his finger and points, in agreement with Jerry. He continues to look deeply worried.)

(Kramer leaves. A buxom blonde woman in a purple shirt is making her way to the door, as she passes the booth she notices George.)

(The woman smiles and leaves. Elaine enters Monk's and comes over to Jerry. She's not happy about something.)

(Elaine looks over at George, wondering what he's doing. George is holding the neck of his shirt open, and is peering down the inside of the garment at his chest. As Elaine and Jerry watch, George jiggles his upper body, to see if there's any movement.)

(George ends his experiment, and rises to leave. He digs in his wallet to pay the cheque.)

(Jerry enters from the street, only to find the unpleasant doorman standing inside the lobby. The doorman's demeanour hasn't improved.)

(The doorman swaps places with Jerry, putting Jerry beside the counter.)

(The doorman goes out the door. Jerry takes off the hat, which he's not thrilled about wearing, and leans on the counter. The doors of an elevator open, and a young woman pushing a baby buggy emerges and heads for the exit. After a second, Jerry realises his job. He puts on the hat and opens the door to allow the woman to leave. AS he opens the door, a man enters and strolls past Jerry into the elevator vacated by the woman.)

(The man takes no notice of Jerry, the doors close. The street door opens and another, older guy, enters. Jerry moves and challenges him.)

(Jerry steps aside and motions for the guy to carry on into the building, but he looks resentful about it.)

(George is riding the bus. As the vehicle travels along the street, it rattles, shakes and shudders like all poorly maintained public transport. George is strap-hanging, and he gets a worried look as he feels there might be some movement on his chest. He puts his hands on his chest, then notices another guy on the buss looking at him. Self-consciously, George pulls his coat tight shut, and crosses his arms firmly.)

(Jerry is standing behind the counter, reading the doorman's newspaper. A FedEx delivery guy enters with a package, lays it on the counter and scans a barcode on it with a little device he takes from his pocket. Jerry watches, disinterested. There is a brief pause, as the FedEx guy waits for something.)

(Jerry takes the FedEx guy's pen and signs for the package, then goes back to the newspaper.)

(Jerry gives the guy a hostile look, much as the doorman might.)

(The FedEx guy leaves, looking a touch unhappy at Jerry's attitude. Jerry puts the paper down, and goes to have a look through the door. There's no sign of the doorman, so Jerry tosses the hat onto the counter, dismissing it with a wave of the hand as he moves to the elevator.)

(Frank opens the door, to reveal Kramer, carrying a large portable record player.)

(Kramer dumps the record player on the chair. Frank goes to the couch, not moving very easily.)

(Kramer brings out a garment constructed of canvas and elasticated fabric.)

(Kramer holds the garment up to his own chest.)

(Estelle is driving a preoccupied-looking George.)

(George is miles away.)

(Elaine and Jerry ride down.)

(The bell rings as they reach the lobby, and the doors open.)

(Elaine and Jerry emerge into the lobby to find four or five tenants standing around, and a uniformed cop taking notes.)

(Jerry and Elaine look shocked.)

(Elaine and Jerry depart the scene of the crime in some haste.)

(Frank's cha-cha record is playing loudly on the record player. Frank and Kramer are half-dancing to the music, as Frank tries on the bro. Kramer stands behind Frank, making adjustments to the garment. The door opens and George and Estelle enter. They see the dancing twosome, and the undergarment, and look stunned.)

(George is frozen, staring. Kramer carries on dancing, behind a relatively unfazed Frank.)

(The lighting, with moonlight coming through the blinds, and Elaine's red dress, give a very noirish look to the scene.)

(Elaine give Jerry a look like he's an idiot.)

(Frank has his shirt back on, over the bro.)

(Frank walks a few paces.)

(Kramer and Frank share an elaborate and forceful handshake.)

(George enters, unhappy. He tosses his keys aside.)

(George looks down at the floor for a few seconds.)

(The unpleasant doorman is being grilled by a severe looking Mrs. Payton.)

(Behind Mrs. Payton, Elaine enters from the street and strolls to the elevator.)

(Elaine turns as she hears this, and Mrs. Payton goes to talk to her. Elaine looks a tad worried at first but, of course, she has a plan.)

(The doorman peers over at the conversing)

(Meanwhile, the doorman has discovered something behind the counter. He brings out the FedEx package Jerry signed for and carried it toward Mrs. Payton.)

(Mrs. Payton and the doorman both look at Elaine. Elaine looks sick, as she's caught out.)

(The doorman walks silently away with the package and a quiet smile of triumph.)

(The doorman stands behind his counter, smiling at Elaine's discomfiture.)

(Jerry and a downcast George sit one side of a booth, with an animated Elaine facing them.)

(Jerry stares off, as he imagines...)

(In the lobby of Mr. Pitt's building, a bunch of doormen stand around the unpleasant doorman, laughing at his tale.)

(The doormen whoop it up again)

(Jerry has an expression of pure hatred for all doormen.)

(Jerry snaps back to the here and now.)

(A thought occurs to George.)

(Sid Farkus sits behind his desk, in front of which sit Kramer and Frank. Kramer is holding his invention as they pitch it to Farkus.)

(Kramer puts the bro on the desk.)

(Kramer shakes his head at the very thought of Banlon.)

(Farkus gives a questioning look to Kramer.)

(The three of them chuckle at the thought.)

(They share a manly laugh.)

(The laughter continues for a moment.)

(Farkus offers his hand. Kramer shakes, and then takes his prototype and moves toward the door. Frank then shakes Farkus' hand.)

(Kramer hovers behind Frank, waiting to leave.)

(Kramer tries to calm Frank down.)

(Frank storms out in a rage. Kramer gives Farkus an 'I'll calm him down' look and follows Frank out the door.)

(Frank and Kramer have just arrived, to find George packing a suitcase.)

(George waves at Kramer to shut the hell up.)

(George bites his lip and shakes his head.)

(George flashes Kramer an aggrieved look. There is a knock at the door.)

(George races over and opens the door.)

(As Estelle speaks, Frank goes into the bedroom and brings out the record player.)

(George is helping Frank on with his coat, a happy smile beaming from his face.)

(Kramer opens the door.)

(George drapes the coat across Frank's shoulders.)

(George has picked up Frank's three suitcases, and is all ready to help carry them out to the car.)

(Frank sits down in a chair. George's face drops.)

(George drops the cases in disappointment.)

(The German sightseeing bus comes to a halt at the kerb. Kramer comes around the corner, carrying the record player in his arms. An elderly woman, one of the witnesses to the 'mugging' of George, recognises Kramer as he passes. She climbs out of the bus and points after Kramer.)

(Kramer looks back at the sound and sees the woman coming after him. He turns back and continues walking. The other German tourists get off the bus and join the woman as she follows Kramer.)

(Kramer looks worried and continues to carry his record player, pushing past bystanders as the tourists close on him.)

(Kramer dives into a doorway, but the doors are locked, so he's trapped by the tourists, who block his escape.)

(Horst spots the straps of the bro hanging from Kramer's pocket.)

(Kramer puts down the record player and brings out the bro. He holds it up against his body, to illustrate his words.)

(One of the tourists nudges another, portlier, tourist on the shoulder at Kramer's explanation.)

(The portlier German reaches for Kramer's bro. The tourists are all looking much more jovial.)

(The tourists laugh uproariously, with Kramer joining in, and the portly German holding the bro up to himself.)

(Jerry and Elaine have just dropped off the couch into the lobby. Mrs. Payton regards it critically. The doorman stands in the background as the delivery men leave.)

(Elaine and Mrs. Payton walk away together. An elevator arrives, and a familiar character steps out and is noticed by Jerry.)

(Poppie holds his hands out, indicating someone of Elaine's height. Jerry nods, remembering and in sympathy.)

(Elaine comes back over to Jerry and the couch. Poppie spots her approach, and is not happy.)

(Poppie, aggravated, moves toward the couch.)

(Poppie sinks onto the couch, despite the pleas, and horrified expressions, of Jerry and Elaine.)

(George sits up in bed reading a magazine. Frank enters, carrying a small bowl. George puts his magazine to one side, as Frank carefully climbs into bed whilst keeping hold of the bowl. George takes off his glasses, as Frank settles back. Picking up a spoon from the bowl Frank is about to eat, when a thought occurs. Carefully, Frank reaches over with the spoon, to offer George a taste.)

(George looks disdainfully at the spoonful. A few morsels have fallen onto the bedclothes, George picks them up and puts them back into Frank's bowl.)

(Wearily, George puts his glasses on the bedside table, and switches off his bedside lamp, bringing darkness to the room. George shuffles down beneath the bedclothes, to get comfortable, just as Frank switches on his bedside lamp. Exasperated, George lifts his pillow and places it over his own face, as Frank continues to eat his kasha.)