The Chicken Roaster

Dollar Eighty-Nine. Why is this a dollar eighty-nine? Why is there no haggling in this country?

I guess we like to think we've progressed beyond a knife fight for a citrus drink.

Not me. Everything should be negotiable. (he picks up a container of fruit)

Restaurants too?

Absolutely. You're telling me there's no room to move on pasta. All starches are a scam.

Yea especially Ziti, with that big hole.

Ahh, Excuse me, how much is this?

Dollar nineteen.

I'll give you a quarter.

Get the hell out of here.

Tell him forty and no fork.

Thirty.

That's it you leave and never come back!

How about we leave and, come back in a week?

Deal! (turns and walks into the market)

Alright see? We got something there.

Awe check it out.

Wow. Kenny Rogers Roasters. Finally open. Hey, look at the size of that neon chicken on the roof.

Rogers can't sell chicken around here, we got chicken places on every block.

He is the gambler.

Well, (rubs hands) I gotta meet Newman at the pet store. Helping him pick out a turtle.

Try and stay calm.

Yea, yea.

Hey Jerry.

Seth! Wow what has it been like five years?

At least.

You wanna grab lunch?

Ah, I'm actually headed back to the office.

Seth, it's me. What's more important than catching up with an old college buddy?

Well I am, supposed to be in this meeting.

Blow it off. Remember Poli Sci? How many of those did we go to?

Alright, alright.

Hey whatever happened to Moochie?

He's dead.

Is that right?

You know I still don't know how you can call lunch with me a business expense.

What do you think of the catalog?

It stinks.

There, we just talked business.

We do have the down comforter and the cookware you liked.

Oh great, put it all on the Peterman account with the other stuff.

You know what else we have that you might like?

I'll take it.

Hey, you like?

I think it looks very nice on you.

Really? (feeling flattered)

Hmm.

Elaine, huh... Peterman account?

Why not? (To the Sales Woman) And some hair for my little friend here.

So how's your stand up career?

Good, as a matter of fact. I almost had my own show in Japan.

Do you speak Japanese?

No

So you would have done it in Japan, but in English.

I don't know. So what's this job of yours?

Big investment firm.

Mmmm.

We just got the Citibank account. In fact today was our first big meeting with them.

The, the meeting you blew off?

Yea.

Wasn't that kind of important?

Yea.

...and I brought I whole new set of cookware, and a Waterpik.

You use a Waterpik?

Sure. Waterpik, floss, Plax, brush, Listerine.

So you go in the bathroom at eleven your in bed by what, two?

Well, at the latest. Oh hang on a second, I gotta another call.

Hello?

Good day Ms. Benes. It's Roger Ipswitch.

Oh hey! How things doing in accounting?

Ms. Benes, I notice you've been charging quite a bit of merchandise on the Peterman account.

Well, I am the President.

Yes, and we're all very impressed. Never the less, the expense account is for business purposes only.

Well, well isn't the president allowed to do anything that they want?

No. I'll be in your office first thing tomorrow. Good day. (hangs up the phone)

Good day.

Hello. Anybody?

Hey.

Hey. Why didn't cha get the big one?

This hat just bottles in the heat, I -I don't even need a coat! It's unbelievable!

I don't believe it.

Ah, and I got a date with the sales woman. She's got a little Marisa Tomei thing going on.

Ahh, too bad you got a little, George Costanza thing going on.

I'm going out with her tomorrow, she said she had some errands to run.

That's a date?

What's the difference? You know the way I work. I'm like a commercial jingle. First it's a little irritating, then you hear it a few times, you're hummin' it in the shower, by the third date it's (sings) "By Mennen!".

How do you make sure your gonna get to the third date?

If there's any doubt, I do a leave-behind. Keys, gloves, scarf -- I go back to her place to pick it up...(pop sound) date number two.

That is so old. Why don't you show up at her door in a wood horse?

(sings theme) "By Mennen." What the?...

What's going on in there?

What?

That light!

Oh the red. Yeah, It's the chicken roaster sign. You know, it's right across from my window.

Can't you shut the shades?

They are shut. Oh by the way, your friend Seth, he stopped by.

Oh yeah? What'd he have to say?

Yeah, he was fired.

Well, as you can see the comforter I expensed is actually the Aristotle goose down tunic. (laughs, modeling the comforter) What do you think?

(sarcastically) Another bulls eye.

Hmm. Well Mr. Ipswitch since everyone of my expenses was obviously for a legitimate business purpose.

I just need to see the sable hat you purchased yesterday.

The hat? Why do you need to see the hat?

It costs eight-thousand dollars.

What?

Ohh. (trying to control the Waterpik and shut it off.)

Seth, if you knew the meeting was so important why did you go the lunch with me?

We're old college buddies.

I only knew you through Moochie.

Hey Jerry don't worry about it all right. The important thing is, is we got to catch up. Mind if I ah, grab the want ads?

Um, actually I haven't read Tank McNamara yet. (takes the paper back)

How's life on the red planet? (shuts door)

It's killing me, I can't eat, I can't sleep. All I can see is that giant red sun in the shape of a chicken. (gets some cereal from the cupboard and pours it in a big bowl)

Well, did you go down to the Kenny Rogers and complain?

Ah, they gave me the heave ho. You know, I don't think that Kenny Rogers has any idea what's going on down there.

What are you doing?

Getting some cereal

That, that's tomato juice.

That looked like milk to me! Jerry, my rods and cones are all screwed up! Alright, that's it. I gotta move in with you, Jerry.

I don't know Kramer, ahh, my concern is that ....

..living together after a while we... we might start to get on each others nerves a little.

Alright listen to me, I got a great idea. Now, you're a heavy sleeper, right? Why don't we just switch apartments?

Or I could sleep in the park? You could knock these walls down, make it an eight room luxury suite.

(taking Jerry's suggestion seriously) Jerry these are load bearing walls, they're not gonna come down!

Yeah, that's no good.

I may have to drive that place out of business.

How you gonna do that?

Like we did in the sixties, takin' in to the streets.

Thanks George, but I got it from here.

Oh no I'm in already come on.

So eh, you eh, wanna get together tomorrow?

No, I'm gonna be pretty busy.

What about this weekend?

I'm gonna be busy for a while.

OK, ah.. (George throws his keys on the table) see ya!

Hey, you forgot your keys.

Oh, those, those aren't my keys.

Well they're not mine.

Oh. Ha. They are my keys, how weird. (laughs)

Goodbye George.

Yea bye.

George, Bye! (picks up phone) Hello? You are not going to believe the date I just had.

(sings) Co-stan-za. (like "By Mennen")

What do you mean you don't have the hat?

I left it at Heather's. Are these alive? (pounding on glass display)

No dead! George, I need that Russian hat back!

Alright, alright, I'll call Heather, you'll get your hat back, I will get a second date. Ha ha ha. Now watch the magic.

Dial 9- MERLIN.

Hello?

(clears throat) Heather Hi, it's George Costanza.

Oy!

Ah, listen ah, I don't mean to bother you but ah, silly me, I- I think I may have left my hat in your apartment. So ah, I thought I'd just come by later and pick it up.

You didn't' leave a hat here.

I- I'm pretty sure I left it eh, behind the cushion of the chair ... accidentally.

No hat. George I gotta go.

Ah, a, You know what, maybe I'll just come ... umm, y'ummm (stammering)

Seth?

Jerry Hi! What do you think?

I think your taking the trash out for this chicken place, but that couldn't be.

Yeah, I'm the new manager

But your were an executive, this is fast food.

Not fast food, good food quickly. Hey, next time lunch'll be on me, huh Jer.

Hey, stay away from the chicken. Bad, bad chicken, mess you up.

That's not going to be good for business.

That's not going to be good for anybody.

Jerry I'm so glad we switched apartments. It was a perfect solution.

Look Kramer, i-i-if I'm gonna live over there, y-y-you gotta take some of this stuff out. I mean this thing is really freaking me out (holds up a ventriloquist dummy). I feel like it's gonna come to life in the middle of the night and kill me.

What, Mr. Marbles? He's harmless.

And one other thing, I don't want Newman using my...

Oh no.

Nice place you got here Kramer ...

Yeah.

... a man can really get some thinking done. (sits on couch, next to Kramer.)

Well don't get too comfortable. As soon as Seth gets a real job you two are gong back in that chicken supernova.

What is that Rogers' Chicken? Oh, get that outta here.

I don't know. The man makes a pretty strong bird.

Well, I'm boycotting it.

(eating) hm.

What is that, hickory?

Yea, it's the wood that makes it good.

Really?

Uh-Huh.

Oh stop it. (he slaps Newman's shoulder) What's the matter with you.

Mmmmm.

Can I help you?

Hi, yeah, I'm Elaine Benes, we met at Barney's...

Oh.

... I'm a friend of George Costanza's. (while she is talking, she is dragging George in by pulling his ear)

Hi.

Ah, (releases George's ear) whether you're aware of it or not George had this pathetic little plan to, leave something behind so he could weasel a second date.

Really?

I know, he- he has a real confidence problem.

Well not really...

George...

Ah... (quietly)

... Anyway I know you told him you didn't have the hat because you didn't want to see him again. And, more sympathetic I could not be. But, I really do need to have the hat back.

Look, I don't know what to tell you, but there's no hat here. I mean, maybe the maid took it, I had people over, but...

Well that makes sense.

Well then you wouldn't mind if we took a second look around?

Be my guest.

Good to see you again.

She's bluffing...

Uhhh...

... She's got it stashed away in there somewhere.

This is an absolute disaster.

Oh I don't know. Check this out.

You stole her clock?

Well done. (pats George on the shoulder)

Yep, this is one for our side!

(Thinking) What is that creaking? It's like I'm in the hold of a ship. Gotta relax.

(startled - eyes wide open) Hello, is somebody there? (scurrying sound) Mr.- Mr. Marbles?

So I told Ipswitch I'd have the hat by this afternoon. What am I gonna do?

You should sleep with him.

Hey buddy. I'm on no sleep, no sleep!. You don't know what it's like in there, all night long things are creaking and cracking. And that red light is burning my brain!

You look a little stressed.

Oh I'm stressed! (makes like Kramer, outstretching his arm. Jerry heads for the freezer for some ice cream.)

So Kramer what am I supposed to do? If I don't have that fur hat by four o'clock they're gonna take me down like Nixon.

You know my friend Bob Sacamano?

I thought he was Kramer's friend.

Well, he called last night about 3 a.m. and we got to talking, he sells Russian hats down at battery park, forty bucks.

Forty bucks? Are they Sable?

No, but the difference is negligible.

Oh yea, I like this idea. (sounding very much like Jerry)

Alright, lets give it a shot, lets go.

Giddee up!

It's getting cold, it's getting cold.

That was a close one.

Well, why do we have to keep this from Jerry?

Because if Jerry finds out that I'm hooked on Rogers' chicken, I'm back there with the red menace.

Ms. Benes, the hat you charged to the company was Sable, this is Nutria.

w-w- Well, that's a -ah, it's kind of Sable.

No, it's a kind of rat.

That's a rat hat?

And a poorly made one, even by rat hat standards. I have no choice but to recommend your prompt termination to the board of directors. Nothing short of the approval of Peterman himself will save you this time.

But, but, he's in the Burmese jungle.

And quite mad too from what I hear.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Can I fire you?

No.

So Heather called?

Yeah, but get this, the message said 'call me if you have the time'. Heh heh if I have the time, you get it?

No, but this is all very exciting. (sounding very much like jerry)

She knows that I have her clock. I know that she has my hat. I think she's getting ready to make an exchange.

Well there is the possibility that you've gone right out of your mind.

I've looked at that, seems unlikely.

I'd look again. So ah, how come you didn't call Jerry about all this?

Jerry, I can't talk to Jerry anymore. Ever since he moved into that apartment he's too much ... like you.

Hmm. That's a shame.

Seth, you're the manager, can't you turn off that sign?

Jerry I lied. I'm just an assistant manager.

(On loud speaker) Number sixty seven, family feast.

Number 67, right here, right here!

Hello Newman.

Hello Jerry.

And don't forget your steamed broccoli.

Hold it. Broccoli? Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep fried in chocolate sauce.

I love.. broccoli, it's, good for you.

Really? Then maybe you'd like to have a piece?

Gladly. (starts munching on the broccoli, then spits it out)

Vile weed!

It's Kramer isn't it? I knew it! The greasy door knob the constant licking of the fingers, he's hooked to the chicken isn't he?

Yes, Yes, now please. Someone, honey mustard.

Newman, what took you... ah hey, hey

Expecting Newman? That's funny because I just happened upon him down at the Kenny Rogers Roasters.

Oh, shh, Kenny Rogers? Whew, boy, I hate that place.

He was buying quite a load of chicken, almost for two people ...

Oh

... as long as one of them is not him.

(laughs) Oh hey, you know Elaine, ah she stopped by...

Uh-ha.

... Yeah dropped off that Bob Sacamano hat. Oh she's ah, upset at him, oh yes siree. Yeah well thanks for stopping by.

I sure do miss my apartment. Maybe I'll switch back.

Oh, you don't want to think about that, no sir. Otherwise, I'd have no choice but to put that banner back up and eh, he-he-hwow, run that Rogers right out of town.

I don't think you will. As a matter of fact I'll save you the trouble. I'll do it myself.

Yeah, yeah go ahead yeah, put the banner up doesn't matter to me.

All right. (opens door - Red light floods hallway - a buzzing sound emanates.)

No Jerry! I - I need that chicken, I gotta have that chicken. Now you leave those roasters alone. Kenny never hurt anybody.

You got a little problem.

Oh I got a big problem Jerry!

Here, kneel here.

What?

Kneel.

Kneel?

Elaine.

Mr. Peterman.

Jaba! Bagama ma Jaba. Olymala Hungui. (The boy runs out of the room)

You speak Burmese?

No Elaine, that was gibberish.

Ah.

So did you have any trouble finding the place?

No, you're the only, white poet warlord in the neighborhood. (laughs)

Are you an assassin?

I - I work for your mail order catalog.

You're an errand girl, sent by grocery clerks, to collect a bill.

Well actually um, I do have a bill here. If you could just sign, this expense form, I think I could still make the last fan boat out of here.

I'd be happy to Elaine (he starts reading the form as she hands him a pen)... but I will have to see this hat.

Right... (nodding)

So how do you want to do this?

Alright George, I'll be honest. The first time we went out, I found you very irritating. But after seeing you a couple of times, you sorta got stuck in my head, (sings) Ca-stan-za! (like "By Mennen") (laughs)

So you - you really don't have my hat?

What?

Uh, le - let's go do, something.

What's in the bag?

Oh that's eh, that's a sandwich.

...ah (picks up the bag) Damn salami.

(grabs the bag) My clock, you stole it!

That damn delicatessen that - that is last time they screw up one of my orders.

Hey Seth. Man it is coming down hard out there.

Oh, gross. That's not gonna be good for business.

That's not gonna be good for anybody.

(his mouth is very full) Kenny? ... Kenny?

(quietly and staring across the street) Kenny .... Kenny ....... Kenny

Home at last. Ahhhh. (light turns off)

Is someone there?

Mr. Marbles?

This the Urban Sombrero, I put it on the last catalog cover.

The horror ... the horror.