The Pothole

Morning.

Morning.

Hope you don't mind baking soda flavour.

(applying paste to brush) Ah, baking soda. Annoying little product. 'I can do this. I can do that.' Why doesn't this stuff just shut up?

I'm gonna grab you a towel.

Ooh-ooh

So?

So? She used the toothbrush!

You said you grabbed it outta there real fast, right?

Yeah.

So I'm sure whatever germs it landed on were knocked out, and by the time the rest of them realised what was going on, you had already grabbed it out.

How many years of med school did you have?

Was she mad?

You didn't tell her.

Jenna's like me. She's very... (searches for word)

Finicky? Prissy? Fastidious?

I'll take fastidious.

What is that?

Ahh, Steinbrenner gave 'em to us, in honour of Phil Rizzuto being inducted into the Hall of Fame.

Holy cow!

They don't actually have to squeeze his head to get him to say 'holy cow', do they?

Just the last few innings of a double-header.

Hey. Look at this. I'm in the passing lane of the Arthur Berkhardt expressway, going seventy and (makes impact sound - pckergh!) Dragged this thing for five exits.

Why didn't you pull over?

Well I was draughting behind a semi. I didn't wanna lose him. The infrastructure, Jerry, it's crumbling.

Holy cow!

Well, look at that. A talking Nixon.

China Panda.

Yeah, I'd like to place an order.

Ah yes, what you like?

This Supreme Flounder, it says first time served in America. Is that true?

What number?

Forty-seven.

Yeah, first time. What else?

Uh, that's it.

Address?

Seventy-eight, West Eighty-sixth Street. Apartment three E.

That's southside. Sorry, we don't deliver below Eighty-sixth.

I'm not below.

Yes you are. Street itself is boundary.

Your guy can't cross to my side?

If we deliver to you, then what? Eighty-fifth Street, Wall Street, Mexico, Eighty-fourth Street.

Alright, fine. I'll just cross and meet him.

Sorry, food only for those who live within boundary. (slams down phone)

(picks up phone) China Panda.

(using silly voice) Uh, yeah yeah. I'd like to place an order.

Ah, what you like?

Well, I'm a poppa.

Bring it on. Nothing's throwing me at this point.

(handing Jerry a cigar) Well, as of today I am a proud parent of a one-mile stretch of the Arthur Berkhardt Expressway.

Oh, that adopt-a-highway thing.

Yeah, I'm part of the solution now Jerry. Yeah, I went down there and I checked it out this morning. Here, take a look. Mile one-fourteen.

Aw, looks just like you.

Aw, I'm beaming Jerry.

So what d'you have to do? Pay to keep it clean?

They try to push you into using their cleaning crew, with all their so-called maintenance equipment.

That old scam.

Yeah, well that's why I'm doing it all myself. This parenting isn't about delegating responsibility, it's about being there.

At the side of the road, with a pile of garbage.

Quality time.

Keys. I can't find my keys.

You lost Phil Rizzuto's head?!

Have you seen 'em?

No.

Dammit!

C'mon, retrace your steps. What d'you do today?

I got up, I was supposed to go to work, I came here instead.

Right.

Well, they're not here. You'll have to dig up your spare set.

I don't have a spare set. All my keys say 'do not duplicate'.

So?

So you can't duplicate 'em.

Sure you can. (to Jerry) Such a sweet kid.

Oh. Oh, hi. China Panda?

(suspicious) Why you waiting on the street and not in your apartment?

I... thought that I would meet you halfway.

You really live here?

Oh yeah. (handing over money) There you go, keep the change. Bye now. I'll see you.

(at the boy's back) This isn't fair. This is address discrimination!

Well, I cleaned out their whole dental hygiene shelf.

So the plan is to secretly sterilise her mouth?

By the time I'm through with her mouth, she'll be able to eat off it. Is it safe to drink bleach if you dilute it?

No, stings the throat. Anyway, so I was coming along here, and I felt like a piece of cake, you know? But then I thought, it's morning, I should really have a muffin. I like those chocolate chip ones. Then I figured, well, they're really both cake. So I, uh, I sat on that bench for a little while, twenty minutes or an hour, and then I figured, check and see what you were up to. (a thought occurs to him) Wait a minute, wait a minute. The broad jump! The broad jump over the pothole on Eighty-sixth Street!

Now I remember, as I jumped over the hole I heard a, like a jingling sound.

You didn't look down?

I was trying to stick the landing. (indistinct) ...was right around here.

No! No!!

Holy, Holy Cow!

Poor son of a bitch.

It's a hundred thousand revolutions a second. It's the most powerful one they make.

It's like I'm holding a blender.

The engine's made by McDonnell-Douglas.

Oh no, you keep going. It shuts off automatically.

(restarting and reapplying the brush) Really, it does?

(unheard by Jenna) When the battery runs out.

(shouting to Jerry) I was really happy with my old toothbrush.

No, trust me, that one was doing more harm than good. Don't forget to use the Plax too.

That stuff tastes like bleach!

I don't know anything about that.

Mmm. My mouth feels so clean.

That's the idea.

You know, maybe we better not. I, I think I'm getting a little cold. I don't wanna give you any of my germs.

Aww. Okay. Thanks, I guess.

You still couldn't kiss her?

She has a taint. I can't see it, but I know it's there.

Oh, so now you're finding fault on a sub-atomic level.

Maybe if I could shrink myself down, like in Fantastic Voyage, and get inside a microscopic submarine, I could be sure. Although if there was something there, it might be pretty scary. Course, I would have that laser.

Jer, do you see where this is going?

Being really clean and happy?

Jerry, you have tendencies. They're always annoying, but they were just tendencies. But now, if you can't kiss this girl, I'm afraid we're talking disorder.

Disorder?

And from disorder, you're a quirk or two away from full-on dementia.

(thoughtful) Hmm, that could hurt me. (pointing out of window) Hey, there it is.

Shall we stop and say hi?

Nah, we've seen it.

Yeah.

(shouting after car) Hey Jerry! Yeah, I'll see you back at the house!

Mile one-fourteen, clean as a whistle.

Yeah?

Hi. I'm your neighbour, uh, fr... from across the street. And uh, (coughs nervously) I was wondering, if it wouldn't be too much trouble, if I could use your apartment to order some food?

Wha? What d'you want?

You see, there's this certain flounder and they won't deliver it to my side of the street.

Wh, when is that?

No, I just need them to deliver it here and I have to be kinda inside is all.

Who are you with?

No, actually I'm... I'm just kind of hungry.

Who let you in?

Well, the lock was broken. You just have to jiggle it, actually. But, I just need like a half an hour to an hour.

What's with the signs?

Hey, you should see the Berkhardt, Jerry. My mile is spotless. I mean the big stuff was easy. Cinderblocks, air-conditioners, shopping carts (makes sound - fzup!), I just rolled 'em into the woods.

Yeah, that stuff's all natural anyway.

(holding up a sign) Speed limit, one hundred and sixty-five miles per hour. See? They slipped a one in there. (laughing) Those kids with the spray paint, God love 'em.

Hey. So, keys?

No keys. And I been calling the city all day. Course there's not really a number to call if you wanna make a pothole.

I guess they leave that up to the general population.

I tell you this. If the real Phil Rizzuto was down there, this wouldn't be happening!

Hard to say.

Hey, you need some roadwork done? 'Cos I met some maintenance guys today on the highway, they could probably help you out.

Really?

Oh yeah, yeah. I borrowed some cones from them when I was sweeping my car-pool lane.

Yeah?

It's Jenna.

If you guys wouldn't mind, I would like to ward off dementia.

You think you could hook me up with these guys?

Oh yeah, yeah. Give me a ring tomorrow. I'm gonna be at emergency callbox seven-eight-four.

Seven-eight-four.

Hey.

Hi.

How you feeling?

Good. My cold's gone, and I've been looking forwards to kissing you, which I'm ready to do now, if you are ready.

What?!

Nothing. I just, I uh, I bruised my lip. I was drinking a Celray, and I brought it up too fast and I banged it into my lip, (lower voice and hurriedly) and then I knocked your toothbrush into the toilet and I wasn't able to tell you before you could use it.

What?

I'm sorry.

When were you gonna tell me this?!

Obviously never.

I need the yield sign.

Kramer, I'm kind of in the middle of something. Would you get these signs out of here, please?

You could've introduced me.

I wouldn't know where to start.

(knocking) Hey, Jenna. Hey!

There. Now something of yours has been in the toilet.

What?! Wha... what'd you put in there?

Gotta run.

Oh, man!

(into phone) Hello, Jenna, did you dunk the spatula? Was it the spatula? Hello? Dammit!

She won't even give you a hint?

No. Could be anything. The whole apartment's a biohazard.

You know what I bet it is? (points) Your remote.

Yes, that is a definite possibility.

(walking to the couch) Or, could be your walkman there.

Are you just screwing with me?

Yeah, I am.

Hey ah.

Hey, how's life on the road?

Oh, I'm making a difference Jerry.

I don't doubt it.

You should see the smiles on the drivers' faces. I mean, you gotta look quick, but they're there.

What's this?

Well, you know, those annoying little bumps on the lane-lines? (makes noise - bum, bum, bum, bum, bump)

Isn't that some kind of safety thing?

Well, I had to pull 'em up if I'm gonna widen the lanes.

What the hell are you talking about?

Ah, you know how in planes they got first class? More leg room, better ride? Well, I'm bringing that concept to mile one-fourteen.

How are you gonna widen the lanes?

Well you black out lane-lines one and three, and a four-lane highway becomes a two-lane comfort cruise. (to Jerry) So, you got any black paint?

(sarcasm) Yeah, in my toolshed, next to the riding mower.

(into phone) Yuh, I'd like an order of supreme flounder, number forty-seven. Yeah, apartment one-Q.

One-Q? Whose apartment is that?

That's the janitor closet, across the street.

You're pretending to live in a janitor's closet, just to get this flounder?

It's better than eating it alone in the restaurant, like some loser.

That stuff is unbelievable. I'd eat it out of a dumpster.

(heading to door) How do you know about it? You're not in the delivery zone.

Well, Newman uses his mail truck to run fish for China Panda on the weekends.

Well, mine's coming in ten, so... see you boys.

Now, where's that tool shed of yours?

Hi. Sorry, I didn't hear you. I was in the shower.

I'll see you.

You Costanza?

Yeah. Thanks for, thanks for coming by fellas. Eh, got a set of keys, buried in the pothole.

What're the keys doing in there?

Just need to uh, to dig 'em up.

You put 'em in there?

Nah, nah, it's uh, it's a long story. Just uh, try to get it up.

Bad place to put your keys.

Yeah, I know that. (clears throat) Could you start, working?

Difficult job. You want those keys, we're gonna have to dig this up.

(penny drops) Oh, uh, wait a minute, wait a minute. (snorts) Is this about money?

Yeah. (snorts) It's about money.

'Scuse me, what are you doing in there?

Uhm, nothing. I was just uhm... I wasn't in there.

You were hanging around in there, lazing on the job. When you shoulda been downstairs in the basement, cleaning out those old carpets and scrap wood.

Right, because... I'm the janitor. (picks teeth with fingernail)

Don't get smart with me.

(meek) Yes ma'am.

Hey, and if you're heading north on the Arthur Berkhardt, whoah Nelly, for some reason four lanes are converging into two, instantaneously right at mile-marker one-fourteen. I don't know what that is, but the A-B's a parking lot out there. Somebody screwed up on that one.

Oh it's you.

Is the flounder here yet?

No, it's not here yet. You want the tour?

(gesturing) There's this.

Nice. French doors'd really open this place up. Oh, but you have a slop-bucket.

(gleeful) The fish!

Ah, what're you doing here?

Hey.

Hey.

Oh, I was uh, I was waiting downstairs for the jackhammer, thought I'd drop by.

Kramer's guys?

Yeah. I got 'em down to fifty bucks. I just have to do all the jackhammering myself.

Oh that's nice, kind of a hard-labour fantasy camp.

Ow!

Uh, man!

Huh, yeah. (looks round) Oh, sweet setup. Elaine, d'you have any paint thinner? I need like uh, forty gallons.

I'm plumb out.

Oh man, if I don't get that black paint off the City's gonna go ape. I don't wanna lose my baby!

Janitor?

(to the guys) Uh, Mrs Allister. (louder) Yeah, uh, just coming Mrs Allister. (to guys) Okay, I've gotta get out.

Here, can you move, you gotta move from the door.

Hi, I uhm... What can I do for you?

I told you yesterday to haul that trash outta the basement.

Yeah, I am so sorry.

Some of the children have been playing near it and putting it in their mouths.

Well, a lot of it is vegetable...

Get that stuff outta there today, or you'll be outta here. Understand?

(meekly) Yes ma'am.

...stop pushing. (to Elaine) Kramer spilled ammonia.

I don't feel like eating.

(holding up a set of heavy chains) I'm gonna borrow this, huh?

(to Mrs Allister) Janitor's meeting.

So Jerry, why'd you call me?

Well, I thought it's about time we put aside all this silliness. I know now you didn't put anything in my toilet bowl. (pause) Did you?

Yes, I did.

Well, whatever. So, how've you been?

Good.

Good. (pause) Steak knife?

Just eating away at you isn't it?

Nah.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi. Jerry, can I borrow your car?

For what?

I have to haul some dirty garbage to the dump.

Dirt? That's alright, (for Jenna's benefit) because there's nothing wrong with dirt.

Well, actually it's pretty grimy.

Grime, grease, filth, funk, ooze. Whatever it is, you take that stuff and put it right on my leather upholstery.

Well, I don't know who you are, but thanks for the car.

Sure. Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

There, you see? I just leant her my car, and she's gonna fill it with all sorts of... (he cracks) Alright! You win! That car was my last germ-free sanctuary. I slept there last night! Now, for the love of God, please, what is it? What is it?!

Toilet brush.

Toilet brush, oh (he pulls a 'Damn, shoulda guessed!' face). Alright, I can replace that.

You wanna order dinner?

Yeah. Let's uh, go to your place. Because I, threw out all my dishes.

That's true.

Mm.

But, I'll tell you this much. I am never going to let some silly hygienic mishap get in the way of, what could be, a meaningful, long-lasting relationship.

Do you hear something?

I don't know what that could be.

Holy cow!

Anyway, I'm a new man, and I'm looking towards the future. Clean, dirty, whatever.

Holy cow! Have a nice life.

Hey, look at this. Wide lanes. This is so luxurious. Woo, yeah.

Bugger!

(sings) You're once. Twice. Three times a lady.

What the hell was that?

Double bugger!

(sings) Yes, you're once. Twice. Three times...

Aaah! Aaagh! Aah-aah. Oh, oh the humanity! Aaagh!

Hey buddy. What're you doing out here?

Man, did you see that fireball? Woo-hoo-hoo, hoo-hoo.

Hey, I gotta skedaddle. You wanna lift?

Newman! Newman!!

Well, I'll meet you at the coffee shop.